Violent Jokes
103 violent jokes and hilarious violent puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about violent that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Violent Short Jokes
Short violent jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The violent humour may include short violence jokes also.
- My boyfriend keeps talking about overthrowing capitalism in a violent revolution Could this be a red flag?
- Helen Keller once described a cheese grater as... "The most violent book I have ever read"
- Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year, when in reality, people kill way more people per year... ...so that's just being hippocritical...
- What did ray charles say when they handed him a cheese grater? This is the most violent thing I've ever read.
- Did you hear about stevie wonder getting a cheese grater for his birthday? He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
- Harry was blind... ... His friends bought him a silver-coated nutmeg grater for his birthday. When they asked how he liked it, he said it was the most violent story he'd ever read.
- What did the blind man say when he was handed a cheese grater? Wow! That's the most violent thing I've read in a while!
- I'm still a bit shaken up. I was involved in a violent mugging this morning. On the plus side I did make $43 and I think the watch looks really good on me.
- I was injured in a violent mugging this afternoon. On the plus side, I did make $23 and I think this old lady's watch looks really good on me.
- Hilary Clinton goes to a psychic. The soothsayer tells her, "Your husband will die a horrible violent death." Hilary asks, "Will I be acquitted?"
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Violent One Liners
Which violent one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with violent? I can suggest the ones about evil and revolution.
- Why is Kim Jong-un so violent? Because he doesn't have a Seoul.
- What does violent diarrhoea and a bar fight have in common? Blood on your stool
- How did the dyslexic cop subdue the violent male suspect ? He used his NUTS gun.
- Shooting video games don't make people violent The lag does
- What's a violent and sexist book club called? ISIS.
- How can you tell the ocean was mad? It was violently waving
- What do you call violent mermaids? Mercenaries
- Most people think Ares was evil and violent... ...really, he was just myth-understood.
- A group of amputees have escaped after a violent bank robbery, one armed and dangerous.
- Roses Are Red... Roses are red,
Voilets are violet,
This misconseption
Makes me violent - What's The Violent Femmes favorite kind of bagel? EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING!
- What do you call a wild and violent rabbit? Rabid.
- What's the least violent thing Thanos ever did? [SPOILERS] He squished a spider!
- How do you spot the violent kids at the circus? They go straight for the juggler.
- What do violent recovering alcoholics and Wii remotes have in common? AA battery
Violent Crime Jokes
Here is a list of funny violent crime jokes and even better violent crime puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Smart criminals Dumb criminals commit violent crimes that don't pay too well.
Smart criminals commit white collar crimes.
Really smart criminals become politicians. - Why were there so many violent crime's in the Joinery and Woodcraft Store? The place is choke full of mallets.
- What do you call a dog that's violent and involved in crime? A ruffian
Charming Humor Violent Jokes with Loads of Fun
What funny jokes about violent you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean vicious jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make violent pranks.
Science Joke
A physicist, biologist and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time.
The physicist saw the violent ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked out into the waves. He was pulled under and never returned.
The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked out to the ocean. He too, never returned.
The chemist waited for a long time and afterwards, wrote in his journal, "Physicist and Biologist both soluble."
There was a horse who was a genius at arithmetic...
...which it learned with no difficulty. Algebra was a breeze, and it could even prove theorems in Euclidean geometry. However, when someone tried to teach it analytic geometry, it would rear back on its hind legs, kick ferociously, neigh loudly, and make violent head motions in resistance.
The moral of this story is that you can't put Descartes before the horse.
I was tired of the fascist dictator who ran the Bird Imitators Society..
So I took control with a violent coup.
Movies are too violent
A lot of Critics have been saying that movies now days are way too violent.
To test this theory I took a nine year old boy to go see Gladiator, and he cried the whole movie.
Now it may be because he didn't know who I was.
Gladiator is too violent for kids
A lot of people have told me that gladiator is too violent for kids. I took a 9 year old boy to watch it anyways, and he cried the whole movie.
Now it may be because he didn't know who I was.
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If Muslims have taught French satirists one thing...
it's not to say that "Islam is violent."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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I just got fired from the grocery store for being too violent...
...all I did was put out a sign that said, "take lettuce from top of pile or heads will roll!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
For my cakeday, a joke for you Connecticut state residents out there.
What's the difference between Bridgeport, CT, and Gotham City?
One's a post-industrial urban hellhole ridden with violent crime, corruption, and murderous psychopaths, and the other's Gotham City!
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You know pornstar are really violent people...
Everything always comes to blows.
Rihanna just started dating Chris Brown
He struck her as a violent person
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What do you call a violent white man?
Officer
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Captain Ahab is like G.W. Bush
They're both violent men that have a revenge fantasy against a cheap source of oil.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Dad: Why did the Grammar teacher slap you today?
Dad: Why did the Grammar teacher slap you today?
Son: I just wanted to clear my doubt. I asked her a valid question for which she had no answer, so she took out her frustration by being violent.
Dad : What was the question?
Son: I asked her why 'bra' is singular when it covers two things & p**...' plural when it covers only one
In England violent sports fans are called hooligans. What are they called in America?
Americans.
A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps you if you lie.
Dad: Son, where were you at school hours?
Son: At school.
The robot slaps the son
Son: Okay I was watching KungFu Panda!
The robot slaps his son again.
Son: Okay I was watching violent movies!
Dad: What?! When I was your age I never watched those kinds of movies!
The robot slaps the dad.
Mom: Haha, after all, he is your son.
The robot slaps the mom...
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
People are always saying Americans are fat, violent, and above all else, s**...
But every time I see one of those statistics maps about how terrible we are, there's this little country on the northwest border of Canada that's just as bad as we are.
I went for a job interview
I went for a job interview last Tuesday and was asked to describe myself in three words.
"Violent when disappointed," I replied.
I hope to get the appointment letter on Monday.
I've dated a succession of girls with the same name. The latest is certainly the most sweary and violent.
I guess it's because she's Pegi 18
(for the euros)
I was involved in quite a violent mugging the other day.
On the plus side I made a few bucks.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Last night I ate 3 large spicy curry rolls while watching Westworld.
These violent delights have violent ends.
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If ever I commit m**..., I'm doing it with Indian flatbread.
Naan violent crimes get shorter sentences in respect for their counterparts.
A sad day indeed
About a week ago I was walking my dog Fido through the park and a mentally disabled kid ran up to us. Immediately upon reaching my dog he started petting him. My dog is not a violent dog by any means but he was spooked and bit the kid. After this incident he ended up getting put down. It saddens me deeply but at least Fido is ok.
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I'll never forget the Christmas Eve my father went to jail.
It didn't take long before he got violent, abusive, screaming and thrashing around, smearing f**... on the walls...
I'll never play Monopoly with him again.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Tea is an Evil Substance
Tea is an evil substance, more dangerous than beer.
I discovered this last night, when I drank 14 beer till 3AM at the pub while my wife was just drinking tea at home. You should have seen how angry and violent when I got home. I was peaceful, silent and headed to bed as she shouted at me all night and even in the morning. Please Ladies, don't drink tea!
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Roses are red, violets are violet
Start getting it right, or I'm getting violent.
Robert asks a televangelist to pray for his hearing
After five minutes of violent shaking and trying to push the man backwards, the televangelist inquires Robert on the state of his hearing, to which he replies "I don't know, my hearing isn't until Tuesday at the courthouse."
As a young boy I always wanted to join a violent gang
Just got accepted into police training, who says dreams don't come true.
I don't get why they make Green Arrow so violent.
It's like they want to ruin Oliver favorite superheroes
Actually, violent video games don't create violent children, study says
Thanks to Doctor Xavier B. Juan for the results
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Photographers are violent people.
First they frame you, then they shoot you, and then they hang you on a wall.
A hospital patient became violent when told he needed to have all his toes amputated.
It turns out he was lack-toes intolerant.
No mixing utensils are allowed near the courthouse as the month-long case against the violent baker continues.
It's a whisk-free 30 day trial.
Me as a kid: My mom won't let me play this game because it's too violent.
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My wife is a violent ardent feminist. When I heard a new misogynist rap song play I wanted to post about it to facebook.
But she beat me to it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Drinking tea is bad for you.
Tea is more dangerous than beer. You should avoid it, and just say NO.
I discovered this last night. I had drunk 14 beers, until 3:00 am at the pub, while my wife was sitting at home, drinking tea.
You should have seen how angry and violent she was when I got home.
I was peaceful, silent, and heading to bead as she shouted at me... All Night Long. Even into the next morning!
Please, ladies.... If you can't handle your tea, then just don't drink it!
A Greek guy walks into a tavern and sees two sea monsters arguing
"What's up with them?" he asks.
"Oh, that's scylla and charybdis."
"Are they usually this angry?"
"Yeah, but they're not violent. Just don't get between them."
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
People blame video games for kids shooting up schools
If video games are so violent, then what's h**...'s favorite game?
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My friend was a violent serial killer...
Ended up getting caught some time back and sentenced to death by electric chair.
Fast-forward to day of execution.
Guard straps him in.
Guard: "Any last requests?"
Friend: "Remind me of buzzfeed clickbait articles 1 last time"
Guard: "The electric current is going to be started now, what happens next will shock you"
Violent Video Games are alot like Landscaping..
a whole lot of mowing through stuff with a few patches here and there
I had to show a knife to my mentally unstable friend who was being violent
Sad it came to this point
If video games make kids violent
Why do priests always win their wrestling fights with them?
Why was Gandhi a pacifist?
He was naan violent
Video games have never made me feel violent,
but they have made me respect plumbers and hedgehogs.
Violent video games won't change our behaviour.
If people were influenced by video games, then the majority of Fakebook users would be farmers right now.
What do you call the violent guy whose family was slaughtered, yet he still spits out word jokes constantly?
The punissuer.
If video games make children more violent...
why do they keep losing fistfights against me?
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Everyone needs to forget China's negligence and address the real cause of covid 19
Violent video games
The police were called to a NASCAR event when belligerent fans became violent after being asked to remove the Confederate flags they had brought to the event.
Authorities believe it to be race-related.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Doc, my husband was just admitted to the hospital with violent b**... spasms. Do you know where he is?
Doctor: ICU baby, shaking that a**....
Costco worker asked if I wanna box for my groceries
No bro, I'm just trying to pay for them, everyone's so violent these days.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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I'll open fire on anyone who says video games make children violent!
wait....
Reasons to Avoid Water
* Can be extracte from rocket fuel
* Is the main ingredient in pestisides
* 100% of violent criminals have consumed water in the hours leading up to their crimes
* Is the #1 cause of drowning
* Excess consumption will cause sweating, urination and possibly death
* 100% of people exposed to water will die
A man has a wonderful Horse
It's a marvellous Horse, good looking and everything. But it also occasionally gets very dangerous and vicious.
Causes tons of trouble, breaks things, violent etc.
So he goes to the vet and asks what can I do with this horse
The vet says that's a very easy problem and I am glad to help you
The man says ok, so what should I do
The Vet says the next time your horse is behaving well, sell it
Albert Einstein once said: "Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
He was probably talking about the 18th Amendment.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Two brothers are fighting…
… in front of their mother and it starts to turn violent. The mother tries to intervene and stop the fight. The younger brother who is taking the brunt of the hits gets frustrated that he couldn't get as many punches his brother landed says, Step aside b**... . The elder brother hearing this gets angry and kicks him and says, How dare you call Mom a b**..., you son of a b**...!!
A dispute between two vegans at green grocers shop turned violent when one of them started throwing a leaf vegetable with somewhat jagged leaves at the other! The second vegan responded by picking them up and hurling them back!
It was either kale or be kaled.
What's the difference between a new AAA and a violent offender?
One's a battery with charge and the other's charged with battery
*I came up with this myself but in case someone beat me to this one, not meant to be a repost*
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What do you call a scientist who investigates early h**... sapien societies but excuses their violent behaviour toward Neanderthals and other sub-species of archaic humans?
An anthro-apologist.
