violence Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious violence puns

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

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After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bombing and violence."

OK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?

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Trump is blaming Sanders for the violence at his rally...

because you can't truly be Hitler until you blame a jew for all your problems.

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After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bombing and violence."

OK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?

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Confucius Say

It is only when a mosquito lands on your testicles that you realize there is always a way to solve a problem without violence.

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If a Muslim beats his wife,

would it be domestic violence or child abuse?

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Call me a racist if you want, but the other side of the border is a sea of violence, corruption, and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a twenty-foot pole.

I'm so fucking glad I live in Canada.

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There was a fight between a blind man, a deaf man, and a mute man

I just have to ask, how long until we end this senseless violence?

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My Dad Is A Magician

He can turn alcohol into domestic violence... But his disappearing act is even better.

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If a married couple in the city get in a fight, it's called domestic violence.

In the country it's called sibling rivalry.

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I like my beer how I like my violence

Domestic.

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(OC) What do you call Helen Keller punching someone?

Senseless violence.

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It is only when you see a mosquito land on your balls...

that you realize there's always a way to solve problems without using violence.

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A German, an American, and a Russian are arguing who can feed a spoonful of mustard to a cat more easily...

The German just grabs the cat and forces the spoon with mustard into its mouth. The other two protest: "This is violence!"

The American hides the mustard between two slices of sausage. The other two protest: "This is deception!"

The Russian spreads the mustard under the cat's tail. The cat starts furiously licking it off, meowing loudly. "See - he does it voluntarily and with songs!"

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I resent the idea that the Irish are all violent drunks.

We're perfectly capable of violence when sober, thank you very much.

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For my next trick

I'll turn a 12 pack of beer into domestic violence.

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It is only when a mosquito lands on your testicles, that you realise...

...there is always a way to solve problems, without using violence.

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Did you hear about the food fight at the Chinese buffet?

It was wanton violence.

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Did you hear about the redneck magician?

He turns a 12 pack of beer into domestic violence.

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Golfer hits his wife

A cop was investigating a domestic violence call where a woman said that her husband beat her with a golf club. The cop held up a bloody club and asked the husband, "How many times did you hit her?"

The husband replied, "Seven or eight, but put me down for a four."

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David Cameron has said the UK's mission in Afghanistan is 'accomplished'...

David Cameron has said the UK's mission in Afghanistan is 'accomplished'.

We're leaving that country in a state of poverty and despair, where half the population can't read and daily life is blighted by the ever-present threat of needless violence.

Yes, we've brought the British way of life to them all right.

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"Y'know with all the civil unrest, political corruption, class divides, drug smuggling, gang wars, police brutality, gun violence, and poor education maybe building a wall to protect us from our southern neighbors isn't such a bad idea"

\- Canada

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A little girl in charlottesville cries after the violence she's seen, I try to comfort her: "There there...

it's alt right"

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Apparently mime on mime violence is a real problem, you just don't hear about it.

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Gandhi once got into a food fight...

It was naan violence.

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If Russia is the Motherland and Germany is the Fatherland...

Does that mean the world wars were two cases of domestic violence?

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If a muslim hits his wife...

Is it considered domestic violence or child abuse?

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Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve noble gasses here". He doesn't react, because living a society that systematically discriminates against noble gasses has taught him that getting angry will only bring violence upon him. He totally writes an angry tumblr post about it later that evening though.

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A boy who couldn't hear, smell, taste or feel punched me in the head yesterday.

I told him "there was no need for senseless violence"

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A group of chronic masturbators have recently started an organization to protect women from domestic violence.

Their slogan is "We only beat ourselves."

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Crime And Violence

When I think about it, we are the ones to blame for all the crime and violence we have today, after all, we removed all the phone booths and now Superman has nowhere to get changed.

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Going To The Movies

I told my wife I wanted to watch a movie about a billionaire playboy with a penchant for darkness, inflicting violence and dressing up in masks.

She got excited and asked, "Are we really go to see *50 Shades*?"

I laughed and told her I was talking about *The Lego Batman Movie*.

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My gay friend was complaining to me

My gay friend was complaining to me about all the hatred and violence straight people cause the gay community. I asked him if any gay people hate and beat up straight people. He said "No, gay people aren't fucking assholes."
I said "Well...."

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An EMT was called to a scene in the ghetto

This is actually a true story.

My friend who was an EMT working in South Los Angeles was called to a Domestic Violence scene in Compton. Upon arriving on the scene, a man was sitting on the front porch holding the back of his head where blood was spilling out.

"Are you okay? What happened here?"

"I was tryin' to get some stank on my hang low and the bitch hit me over the head with a smoothie!!"

"Whoa! Calm down! I can't understand you sir. What exactly happened??"

"I told you. I was tryin' to get some stank on my hang low and the bitch hit me with a smoothie."

"What does that mean? Stank on my hang low?"

"Yeah man. My dick sucked."

"Okay. But the hell is a smoothie?"

"A smoothie. You know, that thing that makes your clothes flat."

My friend couldn't help but bust out laughing.

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Did you hear about..

Did you hear about the indian man who was charged with domestic violence, he hit his wife on the head every night at 7 on the dot

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What are the most funny Violence jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Violence? Well, here are the best Violence dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Violence pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes