violence Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious violence stories

What are the best Violence puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Violence? Well here is a complete list of Violence dad jokes:

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

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After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bombing and violence."

OK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?

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Trump is blaming Sanders for the violence at his rally...

because you can't truly be Hitler until you blame a jew for all your problems.

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After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bombing and violence."

OK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?

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Confucius Say

It is only when a mosquito lands on your testicles that you realize there is always a way to solve a problem without violence.

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(OC) What do you call Helen Keller punching someone?

Senseless violence.

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A German, an American, and a Russian are arguing who can feed a spoonful of mustard to a cat more easily...

The German just grabs the cat and forces the spoon with mustard into its mouth. The other two protest: "This is violence!"

The American hides the mustard between two slices of sausage. The other two protest: "This is deception!"

The Russian spreads the mustard under the cat's tail. The cat starts furiously licking it off, meowing loudly. "See - he does it voluntarily and with songs!"

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Golfer hits his wife

A cop was investigating a domestic violence call where a woman said that her husband beat her with a golf club. The cop held up a bloody club and asked the husband, "How many times did you hit her?"

The husband replied, "Seven or eight, but put me down for a four."

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David Cameron has said the UK's mission in Afghanistan is 'accomplished'...

David Cameron has said the UK's mission in Afghanistan is 'accomplished'.

We're leaving that country in a state of poverty and despair, where half the population can't read and daily life is blighted by the ever-present threat of needless violence.

Yes, we've brought the British way of life to them all right.

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Apparently mime on mime violence is a real problem, you just don't hear about it.

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Gandhi once got into a food fight...

It was naan violence.

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Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve noble gasses here". He doesn't react, because living a society that systematically discriminates against noble gasses has taught him that getting angry will only bring violence upon him. He totally writes an angry tumblr post about it later that evening though.

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I like my beer like I like my violence.

Domestic.

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I like my beer how I like my violence.

Domestic.

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An EMT was called to a scene in the ghetto

This is actually a true story.

My friend who was an EMT working in South Los Angeles was called to a Domestic Violence scene in Compton. Upon arriving on the scene, a man was sitting on the front porch holding the back of his head where blood was spilling out.

"Are you okay? What happened here?"

"I was tryin' to get some stank on my hang low and the bitch hit me over the head with a smoothie!!"

"Whoa! Calm down! I can't understand you sir. What exactly happened??"

"I told you. I was tryin' to get some stank on my hang low and the bitch hit me with a smoothie."

"What does that mean? Stank on my hang low?"

"Yeah man. My dick sucked."

"Okay. But the hell is a smoothie?"

"A smoothie. You know, that thing that makes your clothes flat."

My friend couldn't help but bust out laughing.

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I like my beer the way I like my violence...

domestic.

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Did you hear about..

Did you hear about the indian man who was charged with domestic violence, he hit his wife on the head every night at 7 on the dot

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The other day I started watching Game of Thrones

I told my friend about it. Told him all about the violence, murder, decapitation, gore, sex, gay sex, midget sex, prostitution, rape, paedophilia, incest and inbreeding... And he was like: "Oh so you're still on the first episode then?"

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Why is there no gang violence on the space station?

Because it is a zero G environment.

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I just came from a domestic violence awareness concert...

...headlined by the Black Eyed Peas

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I like my beer how i like my violence

Domestic

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Mexico is now the world's fattest nation, is plagued by gun violence, and has a big problem with illegal immigrants crossing their southern border...

I guess they became Americans after all.

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I like my beer, like I like my violence

Domestic

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Chinese Philosophy.

The Great Lao-Tzu said:

"It is only when you see a mosquito
landing on your testicles that you realize

there is always a way to
​
solve problems without using violence.

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Helping your neighbour South African Style

Hello, is this the South African Police?
Eish-Yes. What you want?
I'm calling to report my neighbour, Hendrik van der Merwe! He is hiding dagga (Cannabis) inside his firewood.
Eeeh-Yes…Thank you for your co-operasheen and informasheen in combating crime and violence, in our society suh
The next day, the Police descends on Hendrik's house. They search the braai lapa (BBQ area) where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they chop open every piece of wood, but find no dagga (Cannabis) . They shout and swear at Hendrik and leave.
The phone rings at Hendrik's house.
Hey, Hendrik! Did the Police come?
Ja! (Yes!)
Did they chop your firewood for the braai (BBQ) tonight?
Ja… (Yes...)
Happy birthday my friend!

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I like my beer the same way I like my violence...

Domestic.

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My Australian friend hit a sheep in his car the other day...

...I told him it doesn't matter where it happens, domestic violence is not okay.

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I like my beer like I like my violence...

BYpJTj5X

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What do you call it when Gandhi starts a food fight?

Naan violence

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ISIS and I have something in common...

We both get head through the use of violence and terror...

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I can't believe all of this violence and rioting is happening...

... all because Craig Ferguson is leaving his show.

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We like our beer as we like our violence

Domestic

-Bill burr

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What do you call an indian food fight?

Naan violence.

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I like my beer how I like my violence...

Domestic

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A clothier opened a business in Utah

He is selling exploding clip-on ties to mormons. I asked how is business?
He said prophets are blowing up.

Source:
This is a corruption of a joke from sexypandalord. Most mormons are fine upstanding people and i do not advocate violence against them. Except for Bill.

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The Detroit Lions have been given guns to subvert increasing violence in the area...

...local zookeepers fear the worst.

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did you see that Hope Solo got her domestic violence charges dropped....

there was a huge gap in the evidence

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Domestic Violence 1/10

10/10 with Ray Rice

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What's the leading cause of violence in America?

Volkswagen Beetles.

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I'm getting worried

I'm getting worried about the amount of violence in modern society. I went to a pet shop and asked the man behind the counter "Do you have fat balls? He punched me on the nose.

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I like my violence like I like my beer...

Domestic.

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George Michael is recording a song with all the proceeds going to end sectarian violence in the Middle East.

It's call "I Want Your Sects".

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I'm out of my girlfriend's league.

Apparently the East Coast Mixed Badminton League eject you for domestic violence.

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Clark Griswold .gif request?

I'm looking for/requesting a gif of Clark Griswold's stand up. Its from a part where he is talking about domestic violence, and i specifically want the part where he is pretending to slam a drawer on his wife's head, saying "its gonna fucking rust!" Subtitles and that clip in a gif, gold to whoever provides!

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My wife and I were having a bad fight when I looked down on the counter and saw a coffee mug that read 'domestic violence ends with me'...

So I hit her with that.

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George Michael is recording a song to help promote the end of sectarian violence in the Middle East.

It's called "I Want Your Sects."

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Star Wars History Vol. 1

What was the significance of Mace Windu killing Jango Fett?


It was the first documented case of black on black violence...

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I'm appalled by the amount of sex, violence and profanity on TV.

It's too fucking low.

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I like my beer like i like my violence.

Domestic..

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So I started watching Game of Thrones...

... and I was telling my friend about it. How there's violence, murder, decapitation, gore, sex, gay sex, midget sex, prostitution, rape, paedophilia, incest and inbreeding...
And he was like: "So you're still on the first episode then?"

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best violence jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about violence. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty violence gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these violence jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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