violence Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious violence puns

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

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After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bombing and violence."

OK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?

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Trump is blaming Sanders for the violence at his rally...

because you can't truly be Hitler until you blame a jew for all your problems.

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After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bombing and violence."

OK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?

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Confucius Say

It is only when a mosquito lands on your testicles that you realize there is always a way to solve a problem without violence.

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If a Muslim beats his wife,

would it be domestic violence or child abuse?

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Call me a racist if you want, but the other side of the border is a sea of violence, corruption, and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a twenty-foot pole.

I'm so fucking glad I live in Canada.

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There was a fight between a blind man, a deaf man, and a mute man

I just have to ask, how long until we end this senseless violence?

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My Dad Is A Magician

He can turn alcohol into domestic violence... But his disappearing act is even better.

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If a married couple in the city get in a fight, it's called domestic violence.

In the country it's called sibling rivalry.

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I like my beer how I like my violence

Domestic.

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I like my beer like I like my violence.

Domestic.

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(OC) What do you call Helen Keller punching someone?

Senseless violence.

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It is only when you see a mosquito land on your balls...

that you realize there's always a way to solve problems without using violence.

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I like my beer the way I like my violence.

Domestic.

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A German, an American, and a Russian are arguing who can feed a spoonful of mustard to a cat more easily...

The German just grabs the cat and forces the spoon with mustard into its mouth. The other two protest: "This is violence!"

The American hides the mustard between two slices of sausage. The other two protest: "This is deception!"

The Russian spreads the mustard under the cat's tail. The cat starts furiously licking it off, meowing loudly. "See - he does it voluntarily and with songs!"

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I resent the idea that the Irish are all violent drunks.

We're perfectly capable of violence when sober, thank you very much.

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i never make jokes about domestic violence

they really hit close to home

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For my next trick

I'll turn a 12 pack of beer into domestic violence.

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I like my beer like I like my violence

Domestic.

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It is only when a mosquito lands on your testicles, that you realise...

...there is always a way to solve problems, without using violence.

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Did you hear about the food fight at the Chinese buffet?

It was wanton violence.

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Jokes about domestic violence aren't funny.

They hit a little too close to home.

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Did you hear about the redneck magician?

He turns a 12 pack of beer into domestic violence.

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Violence is never the answer

Violence is the question

The answer is yes

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Golfer hits his wife

A cop was investigating a domestic violence call where a woman said that her husband beat her with a golf club. The cop held up a bloody club and asked the husband, "How many times did you hit her?"

The husband replied, "Seven or eight, but put me down for a four."

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David Cameron has said the UK's mission in Afghanistan is 'accomplished'...

David Cameron has said the UK's mission in Afghanistan is 'accomplished'.

We're leaving that country in a state of poverty and despair, where half the population can't read and daily life is blighted by the ever-present threat of needless violence.

Yes, we've brought the British way of life to them all right.

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"Y'know with all the civil unrest, political corruption, class divides, drug smuggling, gang wars, police brutality, gun violence, and poor education maybe building a wall to protect us from our southern neighbors isn't such a bad idea"

\- Canada

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I like my beer the way I like my violence...

Domestic

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A little girl in charlottesville cries after the violence she's seen, I try to comfort her: "There there...

it's alt right"

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Apparently mime on mime violence is a real problem, you just don't hear about it.

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Gandhi once got into a food fight...

It was naan violence.

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If Russia is the Motherland and Germany is the Fatherland...

Does that mean the world wars were two cases of domestic violence?

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If a muslim hits his wife...

Is it considered domestic violence or child abuse?

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Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve noble gasses here". He doesn't react, because living a society that systematically discriminates against noble gasses has taught him that getting angry will only bring violence upon him. He totally writes an angry tumblr post about it later that evening though.

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I like my beer like I like my violence.

Domestic.

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I like my violence like I like my beer

Domestic

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I like my beer the way I like my violence.

Domestic

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A boy who couldn't hear, smell, taste or feel punched me in the head yesterday.

I told him "there was no need for senseless violence"

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A group of chronic masturbators have recently started an organization to protect women from domestic violence.

Their slogan is "We only beat ourselves."

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Most domestic violence jokes aren't funny,

They really are hit or Mrs.

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Crime And Violence

When I think about it, we are the ones to blame for all the crime and violence we have today, after all, we removed all the phone booths and now Superman has nowhere to get changed.

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Going To The Movies

I told my wife I wanted to watch a movie about a billionaire playboy with a penchant for darkness, inflicting violence and dressing up in masks.

She got excited and asked, "Are we really go to see *50 Shades*?"

I laughed and told her I was talking about *The Lego Batman Movie*.

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I like my beer how I like my violence..

Domestic

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My gay friend was complaining to me

My gay friend was complaining to me about all the hatred and violence straight people cause the gay community. I asked him if any gay people hate and beat up straight people. He said "No, gay people aren't fucking assholes."
I said "Well...."

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Domestic violence jokes are in bad taste.

They hit too close to home.

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I like my beer how I like my violence.

Domestic.

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An EMT was called to a scene in the ghetto

This is actually a true story.

My friend who was an EMT working in South Los Angeles was called to a Domestic Violence scene in Compton. Upon arriving on the scene, a man was sitting on the front porch holding the back of his head where blood was spilling out.

"Are you okay? What happened here?"

"I was tryin' to get some stank on my hang low and the bitch hit me over the head with a smoothie!!"

"Whoa! Calm down! I can't understand you sir. What exactly happened??"

"I told you. I was tryin' to get some stank on my hang low and the bitch hit me with a smoothie."

"What does that mean? Stank on my hang low?"

"Yeah man. My dick sucked."

"Okay. But the hell is a smoothie?"

"A smoothie. You know, that thing that makes your clothes flat."

My friend couldn't help but bust out laughing.

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I like my beer like I like my violence;

Domestic.

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Only when a mosquito lands on your balls do you realize

That violence is not always the option

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Did you hear about..

Did you hear about the indian man who was charged with domestic violence, he hit his wife on the head every night at 7 on the dot

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I like my beer the way I like my violence...

domestic.

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I like my beer like i like my violence..

Domestic

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We are really concerned with what's going on South of the Border with all the drugs gun violence and now this new Dictatorship

I am Canadian

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The other day I started watching Game of Thrones

I told my friend about it. Told him all about the violence, murder, decapitation, gore, sex, gay sex, midget sex, prostitution, rape, paedophilia, incest and inbreeding... And he was like: "Oh so you're still on the first episode then?"

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I like my beer the same way I like my violence.

Domestic.

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Why is there no gang violence on the space station?

Because it is a zero G environment.

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I'm sat at my desk repeating "I'm gonna stick my pen in your eye, I'm gonna stick my pen in your eye." I'm saying it quietly, though.

I don't want my colleagues to find out I have a pen chant for violence.

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WHEN WIFE SINGING

When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.

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Family violence

A 6 year old kid was at the center of a NYC Courtroom earlier this month when he challenged a court ruling over who should have Custody over him. When it was discovered that his parents beat him, he was given custody over to his grandparents. A problem arises when the boy says that his grandparents also beat him. Custody is then suggested to he given to his aunt, with the same problem: the boy was beaten by his aunt. After realizing that violence was a problem within his family, the judge let the boy propose who should have custody of him. After talking to welfare officials the Judge granted custody of the boy to the New York Giants. Who the boy firmly believed couldn't beat anyone.

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All these what?

Whenever a Jamaican women talks about "all these terrible shootings"

I'm never sure if they mean gun violence, or footwear accessories.

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What is the difference between a hyper-active gamer and someone with a predilection of violence towards sheep?

One's a button masher, and the other is a mutton basher.

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I just came from a domestic violence awareness concert...

...headlined by the Black Eyed Peas

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I like my beer how i like my violence

Domestic

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I've had a good couple of days,

I've just got back from winning the World Domestic Violence Championship.

I knocked my daughter out in the semis and beat my wife in the final.

Yesterday I entered the world blindfolded wanking championship.
I have no idea where I came though.

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I hate violence ...

Makes me wanna beat the fuck out of someone...

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Genie

So one day this old man came across a magic lamp, he rubbed it and out came a genie. He said to the old man, "you have released me from this prison, and for that I will grant you one wish." The old man pulled out a map with a bunch of regions circled on it. "My country has been at war for years and these circled areas are filled with violence, please bring peace to the places on this map." The genie took a look at the map and told the old man, "Gee, this is a pretty big map, I don't know if I am able to grant this to you. Is there a second wish a bit smaller that you might have?" The old man thought for a moment and replied, "Well it has been so long since my wife has given me a blowjob, all I want is for her to give me an amazing blowjob one last time." The genie looked at him and said,"Let me take a look at that map again"

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Mime on mime violence is rampant.

But you just never hear about it.

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I like my beer like I like my violence...

...domestic

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Mexico is now the world's fattest nation, is plagued by gun violence, and has a big problem with illegal immigrants crossing their southern border...

I guess they became Americans after all.

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Met a redneck magician last night..

Told me he could turn a 12 pack into a case of domestic violence

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Watching TV is a nightmare nowadays. Violence, fighting, cursing, swearing.

And that's just to get the remote.

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Confucius say

when mosquito land on testicle, you learn to solve problem without violence

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I like my beer, like I like my violence

Domestic

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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Domestic violence.

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My dad had this great magic trick he'd show us every night

He'd turn a full bottle of jagermeister into domestic violence

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What's the best part of domestic violence jokes?

The punchline

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I like my violence how I like my beer.

Domestic

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Some guys beat me up with brass knuckles in broad daylight.

It was a pretty brazen act of violence.

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Helping your neighbour South African Style

Hello, is this the South African Police?
Eish-Yes. What you want?
I'm calling to report my neighbour, Hendrik van der Merwe! He is hiding dagga (Cannabis) inside his firewood.
Eeeh-Yes…Thank you for your co-operasheen and informasheen in combating crime and violence, in our society suh
The next day, the Police descends on Hendrik's house. They search the braai lapa (BBQ area) where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they chop open every piece of wood, but find no dagga (Cannabis) . They shout and swear at Hendrik and leave.
The phone rings at Hendrik's house.
Hey, Hendrik! Did the Police come?
Ja! (Yes!)
Did they chop your firewood for the braai (BBQ) tonight?
Ja… (Yes...)
Happy birthday my friend!

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Chinese Philosophy.

The Great Lao-Tzu said:

"It is only when you see a mosquito
landing on your testicles that you realize

there is always a way to
​
solve problems without using violence.

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There is nothing funny about watching domestic violence

Which is why it goes in the 'Action' folder instead of 'Comedy'

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During the first date with a girl I told her

Humor is the second efficient way to get laid.

What's the first one? She asked
.
Violence.

You're funny. She said

Wise choice.

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I like my beer the same way I like my violence...

Domestic.

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My Australian friend hit a sheep in his car the other day...

...I told him it doesn't matter where it happens, domestic violence is not okay.

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If all diplomatic issues could be solved with a board game like monopoly, we wouldn't see the current levels violence in the world.

No, they'd be *way* higher.

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Violence is the only option.

Unless a mosquito lands on your dick, then it's a hostage situation.

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I was at a nightclub with a popular friend.

He said, "Would you like to see the DJ's box?"

I said, "No, thanks. I don't condone violence."

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Only and only when

Only and only when a mosquito lands on your balls do you realize there are some problems that can be solved without violence :)

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When I look at my wife, I'm always reminded of my home in Ireland

Because she's incredibly beautiful, wonderfully friendly, deeply cultural and innovative, but up at the top she's a mass of complicated issues ready to tip over any second into bloody and terrifying violence.

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I like my violence like I like I beer...

... domestic

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I like my beer like I like my violence...

BYpJTj5X

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Why was Gandhi an advocate of naan violence?

Because Hindus hate beef

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Gamers say video games don't encourage violence.

Yet this new Star Wars Battlefront has got everyone wielding pitchforks.

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When my wife starts to sing

I have to go out in the yard and work in the garden so the neighbors don't think domestic violence is happening.

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Thanks to online schools...

Education is reducing gun violence!

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The Bible is a fascinating book

It's fascinating how a book with so much sex and violence can be so boring

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I like my beer like i like my violence..

Domestic.

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I like my beer like I like my violence...

Shotgunned in my mouth.

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In these troubling political times with gun violence peaking, human rights scandals on us soil, and ongoing corruption investigations, it's always important to find the silver lining in things...

International Relations with Russia have never been better!

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Did you hear about the assassin with no nose?

He retired. Couldn't handle the scentless violence.

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I like my beer like I like my violence...

Domestic

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Grand Theft Auto 6 just announced. Already criticized for displaying "excessive and gratuitous violence towards pedestrians".

Apparently your character is just a normal on-duty cop.

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What keyboard shortcut can be used to stop recent senseless violence from continuing?

CTRL-ALT-Right

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My dad is a magician...

He turns 3 beers into 5 hours of intra-family violence.

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"We like our beer the way we like our violence..."

"Domestic"

-Stolen from a part of a Bill Burr skit. It apparently upset some easily offended people when they saw it at a bar

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Was accused of animal abuse for using an electric collar

but bitch kept calling it "domestic violence"

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What do you call it when Gandhi starts a food fight?

Naan violence

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I like my beer like i like my violence...

Domestic.

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More men have been enrolling in domestic violence support groups than ever

If you can't beat em, join em

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Growing up, my mother didn't like tattletales,

but she was also against violence. In our house, snitches washed dishes.

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We like our beer as we like our violence

Domestic

-Bill burr

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This joke contains no nudity, no sexual acts, no alkohol drinking, no cheating, violence, bad language or anything provocative. It's so safe,

its a joke.

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I can't believe all of this violence and rioting is happening...

... all because Craig Ferguson is leaving his show.

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Cringe worthy joke

What do you call a Japanese woman who is the victim of domestic violence?

Bitch Tempura (She's lightly battered).

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What do you call alcohol-induced violence?

Brew-tality

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President Trump says he supports victims of domestic violence.

He still pays alimony to Ivana Trump.

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ISIS and I have something in common...

We both get head through the use of violence and terror...

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What happens when strength meets beauty?

Domestic violence

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How many wife- beaters does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one. So how come I gotta do everything around here?

(I don't actually condone domestic violence)

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When I was little my dad always did this one magic trick.

He turned a bottle of bourbon into domestic violence

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I hate jokes about domestic violence

They're too close to home

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I like my violence like I like my beer..

Domestic.

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What do you call violence in the kitchen?

Assault and pepper

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SNL Gold: Domestic Violence

A local county couple had an argument over a jar of salsa, which resulted in the girlfriend stabbing her boyfriend. But hey, you'd be mad too if he was jalpeno business.

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Violence is never the answer

It is the question... The answer is "Yes"

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Not all French departments saw violence during the first World War

But Somme did.

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I like my beer how I like my violence...

Domestic

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It wasn't until a mosquito landed on my balls...

... that I realized things can be solved without violence!

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What do you call an indian food fight?

Naan violence.

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If the wasp hadn't of stung me I wouldn't have killed it.

The lesson learned is that violence bee gets violence.

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Just finished my Sexual Violence Prevention and Awareness Training. It was very informative and I feel much safer.

Plus I totally raped the quiz at the end, 100%.

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There's a new movie about violence during the Ramadan

It's called the Fast and the Furious

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The Detroit Lions have been given guns to subvert increasing violence in the area...

...local zookeepers fear the worst.

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A clothier opened a business in Utah

He is selling exploding clip-on ties to mormons. I asked how is business?
He said prophets are blowing up.

Source:
This is a corruption of a joke from sexypandalord. Most mormons are fine upstanding people and i do not advocate violence against them. Except for Bill.

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What's the leading cause of violence in America?

Volkswagen Beetles.

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did you see that Hope Solo got her domestic violence charges dropped....

there was a huge gap in the evidence

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Domestic Violence 1/10

10/10 with Ray Rice

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There's a new activist movement that campaigns against violence and systemic racism toward people from Poland...

It's called "Matter Lives Polish."

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Say no to violence. When you are angry, count to 10 and when you are at 7,

punch that motherfucker.

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Stop making gun violence jokes...

They trigger me.

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What's that joke about Domestic Violence?

I forgot the Punchline.

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I like my steak like I like my violence

Domestic

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Sexual violence is a very serious issue in circuses

After all, there's no trapeze without rape

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Why did the blonde travel abroad with his boyfriend to beat him?

Cause at that point, it isn't domestic violence anymore.

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Why did the blonde travel abroad with her boyfriend to beat him?

Cause at that point, it isn't domestic violence anymore.

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Call me a racist if you must, but south of the border is nothing but a land of corruption, violence and stupidity that I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole

I'm extremely lucky to be from Canada

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October is domestic violence awareness month.

Time to go home and show her who's boss.

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In Australia 1 woman is murdered every week from domestic violence. The statistic they don't tell you..

Is how many had it coming

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If Germany was the Fatherland and the Soviet Union was the Motherland,

does that make WWII domestic violence?

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What are the best Violence puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Violence? Well, here are the best jokes about Violence to have fun with.

Joko Jokes