vine Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious vine puns

I tried uploading my sex tape to PornHub.

They told me to try Vine.


PornHub removed my sex tape

They told me to try Vine


I thought about making a sex tape the other day...

...until I realized it would just be a Vine.


Today I had dinner with my boss and his wife

It was a complete disaster. The wife asked me "how many potatoes would you like?" and I said "I'll just have one". She said "it's alright, you dont have to be polite", and I said "alright then, I'll just have one you stupid cow".

^^^thanks ^^^to ^^^Tim ^^^Vine


You're so bad in bed that...

Your sex tape would be a vine.


Top 10 Jokes from The Edinburgh Fringe

1. Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."

2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. "

3. Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."

4. Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."

5. Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don't know Y."

6. Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."
7. George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."

8. Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"

9. Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad."

10. Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances."


I went on one of those once in a lifetime holidays last week...

I won't be doing that again.

joke by Tim Vine


I told my girlfriend to make a sextape together.

She agreed. It became a vine


Famous Last Words

List your favorite ones. The one I liked the most when I was growing up:

Tarzan: "Who greased the vine?"


My girlfriend refused to make a porno with me..

saying there are enough vine stars already


Some of the top jokes from this years Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

*I've decided to sell my hoover... well, it was just collecting dust. -Tim Vine

*I've written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into my set. -Masai Graham

*Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief. -Mark watson

*I Wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn't let me. -Ria Lina


I asked my gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits.

He said 'how flexible are you?'

I said 'I can't make Wednesdays.'

(Thanks, Tim Vine)


Some Tim Vine jokes...

"I tell you what makes my blood boil..... Crematoriums."

"People with guns who say give me your money... you gotta hand it to them."

"So I went to my local department store and said I cant decide whether to buy this bed or not. He said do you want to sleep on it? I said of course I do."

"I refuse to work in the subway. Its beneath me."

"I met this girl called Ena. Everytime I see her I say Hi Ena and she laughs her head off."

"I cant remember my homing pigeon's name but am sure it will come back to me."

"Did you know the best selling DVD this year is Poltergeist? Its flying off the shelves."

"So i was reading this book about the history of glue.... I couldn't put it down."


Remember Vine? It's ok if you don't

It lasted about six seconds


My girlfriend said to me "as a young boy, was your mother very strict with you" and I said "let's make one thing absolutely clear..."

"My mother was never a young boy."

Tim Vine


I'm really upset that Vine is getting shut down, because I won't be able to use the phrase, "do it for the Vine" anymore...

"Do it or I'll fucking kill you" just doesn't have the same ring to it.


Vine is shutting down

I might actually make more in a year than a vine star does in a week.


Donald Trump, Logan Paul and Hitler are having a discussion.

Hitler: Which one of us do you guys think is the most hated?

Logan: I've ruined vine and YouTube and made an ass out of not only myself but my fans as well!

Trump: I've trolled an entire nation to get to this place and now only half of America loves me!

Hitler: Alright why not I make a visit to the real world and take a vote?

After counting the ballots, Hitler returns, What's up with the Zucc thing?


So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley

She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

- Tim Vine, King of the one liners.


My girlfriend and I decided to make a sex tape.

But I came too quickly so we made a Vine.

(Saw something similar in a meme so I can't take the credit)


Crime in lifts. Its wrong on so many levels

-Tim vine


If Hitler made a YouTube video, what would it be called?

Vine Comp.


Why were Helen Keller's hands purple...

... because she heard it through the grape vine.


I saw a street performer playing Dancing Queen on a Didgeridoo yesterday...

And I thought, that's ABBAriginal.

(Credit to Tim Vine)


Why are the youtubers who came from vine, much funnier on vine?

Because you only had to see them for six seconds.


Ajit Pai walks out of a bar..

With no drinks. He ordered a lesser known brand of vine.


So I said to this bloke "I'm gonna open a shop in Saudi Arabia"

He said "*Dubai?*", and I said, "*yep, and sell*".

-*Tim Vine*


At home, I have a small bird carved out of oak.

Be good if I had a punchline, wooden Tit?

(Stolen from Tim Vine)


How Tarzan's famous yell was invented.

Tarzan was swing through the jungle one day when he spotted Jane.
He hollered, "Jane! Grab vine!"
And he swung down to swoop her up.


A green grape is on a vine next to a purple grape

A green grape is on a vine next to a purple grape. It looks over, gasps, and says "BREATHE!"


A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train.

When it happened, he was chuffed to bits! (Tim Vine)


Funny Videos, Vine, Vines, Daily Vines, Best Vines, Funny Vines, Everyday Vines --> Watch here!




Vine signs a deal with Usian Bolt. All his races can now be seen for free exclusively on Vine.


My dad said cant you see your meme and vine references are ruining this family!

So I said I can't see I'm legally blind.


What are the most funny Vine jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Vine? Well, here are the best Vine dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Vine pick up lines to share with friends.

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