Village Jokes
111 village jokes and hilarious village puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about village that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Bring home the laughs with these hilarious village jokes! From the village idiot to the neighborhood tribesmen, these jokes bring mirth to any retirement village. Get your parishioners to join in on the fun with these village comedy classics. Enjoy a good chuckle with these timeless village ke jokes.
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Funniest Village Short Jokes
Short village jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The village humour may include short small town jokes also.
- With the Zika virus and how much hooking up happens in the Olympic Village.. The Special Olympics are gonna be awesome in 12 to 14 years.
- The wisest men in the village could not figure out where the sun went at night. So they stayed up all night discussing it.
And then it dawned on them.
(I'll see myself out.) - I heard about this little village in Africa where everybody is dying of thirst... So I sent them a "Get Well Soon" card.
- On my way to climb Mt. Everest, I came upon a local villager who said he had a rooster that laid eggs. "How is that possible?" I asked.
"Himalayan rooster," he replied. - Why did the blind villager fall into the watering hole? because they couldn't see that well
^^^_yes_i_know^^^ - World hunger is getting ridiculous There's more fruit in my shampoo than an African village
- A village idiot walks into a library He goes to the librarian and says, "Ma'am, I'm looking for a book by Shakespeare."
The librarian says, "Sure, hon. Which one?"
The idiot says, "William". - Village Competition Tomorrow our village is having it's annual Innuendo competition
I might enter my friend's sister. - Just want to tell that guy I met the other day, who is trying to find a source of water for his village I wish you well
- My friend in Africa was complaining about the lack of drinking water in his village. So I sent him a Get Well Soon card.
Share These Village Jokes With Friends
Village One Liners
Which village one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with village? I can suggest the ones about farmhouse and town.
- What is the fastest animal in the world? A chicken in a Somalian village
- My town is so small... the Village Idiot doubles as the mayor.
- My grandad said there's gangs at his retirement village The blood clots and the cripples
- In our Village We don't have a Town Drunk. We all take turns.
- It might take a village to raise a child... but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
- Did you hear about the village that moved away overnight? It was unsettling.
- The village people asked all the wrong questions I mean... Why not MCA?
- Our village has a lady lumberjack Every time I see her I get wood
- I made a villager in my game out of bread It's a naan-player character
- My brother told me to stop quoting The Village People I said 'Young man.'
- What is a printer's favorite Village People song? YMCK
- What does vikings call english villages? Chopping centers.
- What do you call a knight in a village full of cannibals? Canned food.
- They say it takes a whole village to raise a child That must be a really fat kid
- I used to love The Village People until they came at me with torches.
-Gay Frankenstein
Village Idiot Jokes
Here is a list of funny village idiot jokes and even better village idiot puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My poor town Was attacked years ago by a terrible fire breathing dragon. Only one person made it out alive, unfortunately it was the village idiot...
- The village idiot died of hypothermia at the movie drive-in theater. He had gone to see the film "CLOSED FOR WINTER"
- You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
- He is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
- What do you call a village run by the village idiot? USA
- The origin of vegetarian Comes from the village idiot who couldn't hunt, fish or cook.
Gather Around for Heartwarming Village Jokes and Uplifting Humor
What funny jokes about village you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean countryside jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make village pranks.
The World's Shortest Fairy Tale
Once upon a time a young man asked the fairest lady in the village to marry him. She looked him up and down and said "No."
He lived happily ever after.
The Longest Memory in the World
One day, a young man takes a trip out West and comes across a little Native American village. He decides, what the heck, he'll stop and look around. One of the Native women, seeing that he's not from around, tells the man he should visit the Chief, who she says has the longest and best memory in the world. So the man decides to go visit the Chief and asks: "So I hear you have the greatest memory in the world." The Chief answers "I do. I can remember every single detail of my entire life." The man figures he should test this, and asks the Chief "What did you have for breakfast on April the 27th, 1959?" After stopping to think for a second, the chief answers "two eggs." Satisfied, the man says goodbye to the Chief and eventually leaves the village.
Twenty years later, the man takes another trip out West and comes across the same village. He's amazed when he notices the Chief, still alive after all these years. The man, stops and says hello, so he raises his hand and says, "How" and the Chief replies "fried."
A black knight moves into a new village with only white people...
...after a year, a white girl in the village gives birth to a black child. A shepherd goes up to the knight and says: "I think you had s**... with that girl, since you're the only black person in this entire village." The knight responds: "Well, sometimes weird things just happen, like your single white sheep among your heard of black sheep." The shepherd says: "Hey! You say nothing bout the sheep, I say nothing bout the baby."
Two guys in a village
Two guys in a village are hanging out and one says: Man, I tried the other hole with my wife last night. It was really tight, but awesome. Have you tried it?
His friend says: Oh man, we don't use that hole anymore, she kept getting pregnant.
Kill the Dragon
An evil and powerful dragon lives near a village.
It eats a v**... from the village every week.
No one can defeat it.
One day a hero comes and attempts to kill the dragon.
He finds that the dragon is too power to be defeated.
He decides to kill the dragon with intelligence.
Several months later, the dragon is starved to death.
My pi day joke
There was a village that had four competing pie shops, each inhabiting their own corner of the town. One of these shops was named "The Circle".
The Circle wanted to gain an edge on the other shops, they wanted to stand out. They realized they could transport more pies in their boxes if they made the pies square instead of circular, so they would stack better. The only place in the village to have these oddly-shaped pies is at The Circle.
So, for the area of The Circle, the pie are squared.
It takes a village to raise a child...
...it takes a child with a flamethrower to raze a village.
So the church is losing money...
...and the friars decide that they need a new income source. To do this, they set up a flower stand, and do a pretty good business selling flowers in the small village. Unfortunately, there is another floral store that is losing business because of the friars. So, they go talk to the friars, telling them to stop selling flowers, because they are losing money. The friars say "no way man, free country, free enterprise."
The owners of the other floral shop decide to get real about these religious flower sellers, so they hire a hitman to go take them out. The hitman, named Hugh, shows up to the friars' store. Hugh, now, he's about 7'1', and 240 pounds of pure muscle. "Hey," he says, "you guys ought to stop sellin flowers." The petrified friars agree that maybe the floral business isn't such a good idea after all, and promptly shut it down.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
An Elderly Couple
An elderly couple Pauline & Frank were recently attending a church service at their retirement village.
About halfway through the service, Pauline took a pen and paper out of her purse, and wrote a note and handed it to Frank.
The note said:" I just let out a silent f**..., what do you think I should do?"
Frank scribbled back: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
In honor of Leif Erikson Day...
Leif Erikson returned to his village after many years sailing the ocean and discovering new lands. When he arrived home, he noticed his name was no longer in the town records. Puzzled, he visited the census-taker to inquire about the error.
"I've been a dedicated member of this community for many years. Why am I not on the town list?" he asked.
"I'm sorry about the mistake, Mr. Erikson," replied the clerk, "I must've taken Leif off my census!"
2 little kids, Billy and Tom, are goofing around in a cannibal village. Billys mum sticks her head out and yells...
"Billy, stop playing with your food!"
An old man...
An old man, living alone in a hut in the mountains walked down to the village one day. He went to the doctor.
- I want to be castrated
- No? Surely you don't want to do that?
- Yes, I do! Please castrate me!
And so they did.
When he later walked back up to his hut he met another man, also living alone in a hut in the mountains. The other man said:
- Hi there! I'm going to the doctor. I'm going to be vaccinated.
- Vaccinated! That was the word!
I visited a small village where they had a cat for a king and a dog for a queen...
...they were reigning cats and dogs.
The nice thing of living in a small village is that when you don't know what you're doing
someone else does.
Sunday in church after St. Patrick's Day
It was a sunday after St. Patrick's day in the church of a small village in the west of Ireland. Obviously all the people were more or less hungover, which infuriated the pastor of the village.
"It's a disgrace how we celebrate our most important saint by indulging in binge drinking and other improper activities. If I could have all the wine in the world, I would throw it in the river!"
There was a wave of murmur among the churchgoers.
"If I could have all the beer in the world, I would throw it in the river as well!"
The people put their heads down in guilt, thinking about what they had done.
"If I could have all the SPIRITS in the world, I would throw them in the river with the beer and the wine!"
Now the church was completely silent.
After a short while, the musical conductor of the church spoke up, "Now let us sing hymn number 369, *'Shall We Gather at the River?'*"
---
I heard this story from the ambassador of Ireland in Finland.
A man is very worried about the future...
Anxious with fright, he visits the village soothsayer and asks him what the future holds.
''Hold your hand out for me.''
The man does as requested and the soothsayer looks at the hand, the shapes and patterns intriguing him. A bit cautiously he says ''Your mother in law will die very soon.''
''I know that already! Just tell me if the police will able to catch me or not!''
(I was watching an Afghan comedy show and this joke came up! :)
I Once Tried to Break the World Record for Most Records Broken
Suffice to say, the employees at Village Music World were not happy with me.
Everybody in the village agreed that I did an excellent job of sewing their mouths shut.
After I left, they were humming my praises.
I was planning on taking my little girls to the start of summer village fair today, but its raining, windy and cold so we decided not to go.
May weather won.
An old Viking teaching young ones
Once we land and enter a vilage, look for a church. If there is a church there is nothing left to pillage in the village, so just go directly to the church.
2 village idiots are walking...
...in the woods in December. They spend long hours there, seemingly looking at the trees. As time goes by, they argue more and more. Finally, at sunset, one tells the other:
"Look, I don't care if the next one doesn't have any decorations, we're taking it for Christmas!"
c**... origins
Did you know the c**... was invented in a small village in wales in the 12th century. They thought it would be a good idea to use the lower intestine of a sheep to stop their wives becoming pregnant.
Of course, in the 1350's, the English improved on the idea. They took the lower intestine out of the sheep before they used it.
Finnish reindeer
An American tourist arrived at a reindeer farm in Finnish Lapland. He asked the farm owner "I've heard that the reindeer and human vaginas are identical. Is this true?" The farm owner looked at the tourist for a while and answered: "You have to ask my neighbor. He is the only man in the village who has had s**... with a woman."
A man visits a village
A man visits a village and approaches the town clerk "Have any great men been born in your joke of a town?"
And the clerk responded "well no you foolish man. Only babies have been born in my town."
A hero comes to a village...
The villagers all looks very upset, so the hero ask what happen. "There is a huge dragon living in the mountain. Every week, it will come down and eat one of our v**... girls" the villager reply. The hero then promise to help. Two weeks later, the dragon starved to death.
An albino child in an African tribe...
This puts the tribe's chief in a fury and immediatly summons the white m**... that was sent by the Church in his village.
Chief: "Explain the white kid, white man!"
Priest: "Well, you see, a white child amongst your black tribe is... like the black lamb that was recently born in your herd of white sheep, they..."
Chief, interrupting: "If... if you keep quiet about the black lamb, I'll keep quiet about the child."
3 blonde girls is at the side of a river
And they're trying to get to the village on the other side
1 blond girl ask god to make her smart,so god turn her into a brunette and she swims across the river
the other girl ask god to make her smarter than the girl that just swam,so god make her into a redhead and she built a raft and paddle across
The last girl ask god to make her smarter than the other two girls,so god make her a man and he uses the bridge
A small village soup chef tried to make a bit of extra money on the side, selling boullion cubes laced with m**......
It was the laughing stock of the whole town.
There's a rumour going around my village that my wife gave the local builder a b**...
There's a rumour going around my village that my wife gave the local builder a b**... after he completed some work for us. Well that's a load of b**.... The only person home that day was our cross dressing son.
A village of mathematical functions is slumbering
when suddenly the alarm bells ring:
a rogue differential operator has been sighted.
Fearing for their life, the functions run away or try to hide, but a brave function stands its ground and confronts the aggressor: I am e to the x, you cannot do anything to me! Go away!
The differential operator calmly replies: but I am d over dt, and proceeds to s**... the poor exponential.
Two blondes meet on a village road.
One of the blondes was carrying a large gunny bag over her shoulder.
'Hey there,' hailed second blonde, 'what is in the bag?'
'Chickens,' came the reply.
'If I guess how many, can I have one?'
'You can have both of them.'
'OK.. five?' Said the second blonde.
The blacksmith hires an apprentice
He instructed the boy, When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil. When I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer.
The apprentice did exactly as he was told, and now he's the new village blacksmith
I was really excited one year when I got the contract to install the cordons around the Olympic Village.
but my wife keeps telling me I should stop telling people that I used to be an Olympic fencer.
So there was a tribal chief who decided he needed the biggest hut in the village...
so he gathered the grass he needed and built the only two story hut in the village. He placed his throne on the second story and held audiences there. One night while he slept the throne fell through the floor and crushed his head. The moral of this story is that people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
A 100 year old Japanese man is being interviewed for a newspaper piece about extreme old age
and the reporter asks "do you think there's any merit to the stereotype that people from this village live a lot longer than others?"
The old man thinks for a second and says "you know, I'm not sure. Let me go ask my dad". And the reporter, stunned, stammers "y-your dad? Where is he right now??" and the old man says "I think he's out fishing with my grandpa".
Got my water bill today - £400. Then I saw an advert for Oxfam stating they can supply a whole village with water for £5 a month.
Think I'll be changing my supplier.
The village blacksmith hired an enthusiastic new apprentice
His new apprentice was willing to work long, hard hours.
One day he instructed the boy, When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil. When I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer.
The apprentice did exactly as he was told, and now he's the new village blacksmith.
Instruction
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad: When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil, and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he's the village blacksmith.
Spy
A spy is getting instructions for his mission: You will parachute in a field behind the enemy lines. By the field there is a shack by a road. Behind the shack there is bicycle. Ride the bicycle 10 miles north and you will be in a village where you will meet your contact at the local tavern. He will give further information.
That evening the spy is dropped from the airplane. The parachute doesn't open. The spy complains: I bet there is no bicycle either .
A politicians promise
A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were.
We have 2 basic needs sir, replied the villager.
Firstly, we have a hospital, but there's no doctor.
On hearing this, politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem.
Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in this village.
A politician visited a village in India..
A politician visited an Indian village and asked what their needs were.
We have 2 basic needs sir, replied the villager.
Firstly, we have a hospital, but there's no doctor.
On hearing this, the politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem.
Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in the village.
A ship discovers a lost island in the South Pacific
To their surprise, the ship's company find the remains of a shipwreck there, a couple of decades old, and a single survivor, a Welsh mariner who has busied himself building an exact replica of a Welsh village, complete with a town hall, a pub, a rugby pitch, and two chapels.
"...Two chapels?" asks the ship's captain, and the castaway's face darkens as he nods in the direction of one of the chapels: "That's the one I don't go to."
I once went to climb Mount Everest...
... came across a local village farmer who said he had a rooster that could lay eggs.
I said, How is that possible?
He said, Himalayan Rooster
P.S I told that joke to a farm girl today and to all the other ag folk who clapped it made my day. Even if there's only two of you with enough cell service to have read it and laughed.
My sick friend wrote to me about water scarcity in his village.
I sent him a get well soon card.
Maybe it takes a village to raise a child...
I know it takes a vineyard to home school them.
The village blacksmith found an apprentice willing to work long and hard.
The blacksmith told the boy, "When I take the shoes out of the fire, I'll lay them on the anvil, and when I nod my head, hit it with the hammer." The apprentice did as he was told.
Now he's the village blacksmith.
Politicians these days.
A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.
We have two big needs, said the village headman. First, we have a hospital but no doctor.
The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?
We have no cellphone reception at all in our village.
3 Bats are competing who can drink more blood.
The first bat goes away and comes back after some time looking pretty b**.... "You see that village over there?" " yes" "well i drank all blood there". Than secont bat goes away and comes back after more time looking bloodier than the first one "You see that town over there?" "Yes" "well i drank all the blood there". The third bat now goes a way and gets back after just a minute looking bloodier than bought of the other bats. "So where did you go"
"You see that lamp over there?"
"Yes"
"Well i didn't see it"
Private, do you see that village?
Yes sir!
I don't want to see it!
Yes sir!
\*Proceeds to throw tarp over commander\*
Villager 1: Flee for your lives! The mad scientist in the castle turned a tiny lizard into a monster that's destroying everything in its path!
Villager 2: Meh, why bother. We're doomed from the gecko.
A POLITICIAN visited a village and asked what their needs were
We have 2 basic needs, sir, replied the villager.
Firstly, we have a hospital, but there's not the doctor.
On hearing this, the politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem.
Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in this village.
There was a fire at my local model village today
Eye witness reports claim that flames could be seen from up to 3 feet away
Mary had the only bull in the village.
John decides it's time to take his cow to a bull, and so he went to Mary. As they were both watching the two animals do their thing, John looks at Mary and winks, saying "Mary, would you let me do what your bull is doing?", and she replies "Well John, it's your cow..."
"I'll do whatever I can for my constituents"
A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.
"We have two big needs," said the village headman. "First, we have a hospital but no doctor."
The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while, and then said, "I have it sorted out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?"
"We have no cellphone reception at all in our village."
Pedro reaches the doctor's clinic
Pedro reaches the doctor's clinic looking very despondent.
Doc: What're you here for?
Pedro: The vasectomy camp.
Dr: Oh ok. How many kids do you have?
Pedro: None. I am not even married !!
Dr (shocked): Then why do you want a vasectomy?
Pedro: Every man in the village got it done over the last few years. Now whenever their wives conceive, they come and beat me up !!!
Jack and Jill went up a hill to fetch a pail of water...
...however if you sponsor Jack and Jill for just $2 a month, we can build a well with clean water right in their village.
Did you know that most of the Viking raiders were children?
Because it takes a child to raze a village.
An 88-year old man came to the hospital and said to the doctor, Doctor, my 18 year old wife is pregnant with my child.
The doctor paused and said, There was a master bear shooter in a village. He never missed a shot.
But one day he was in a hurry, and took his umbrella instead of his rifle by mistake.
When he encountered a bear, he still didn't realize his mistake and pointed the umbrella and shot the bear.
The bear lay dead with a bullet in his heart!
The old man said, That's s**...! The bullet must have been shot by another person.
That's exactly right, said the doctor.
Long ago in a far away land,
A hero comes upon a village. The villagers all look very upset, so the hero asks what happened.
"There is a huge dragon living in the mountain. Every week, it comes down and eats one of our v**... girls" one of the villagers replies.
The hero then promises to help with their predicament and gets to work.
In three weeks' time, the dragon starved to death.
A couple of hikers were tramping through the countryside and had lost their way…..
so by the time they arrived at the "George and Dragon", the village pub where they'd arranged to stay the night, the doors were locked and the owners had gone to bed. They knocked timidly on the front door.
A head appeared …at an upstairs window and shouted, "Go away. Don't you know what time it is? We're closed," and the the window slammed shut.
Undeterred, the hikers knocked again.
"What is it now?" demanded the head.
"Could we speak to George this time please?" asked on the the hikers.
A guy married a girl who lived in a village, near his town.
As her dad was a landlord and wanted someone to look after the assets, the guy moved into their house. After roaming around in the village in search of something entertaining, he came across a bunch of middle aged guys. He asked them, "Why isn't there anything for entertainment in this village ?". One of them replied in a frustrated voice, "We had one thing for entertainment and you married it".
a small village is home to three witches.
One witch puts up a sign in front of her house reading "Here lives the most powerful witch in the world!" A second witch sees the sign and puts up her own, reading "Here lives the most powerful witch in the universe!" The third witch sees both signs and puts up her own sign reading "Here lives the most powerful witch in the village".
I haven't seen this one here.
Some monks came down to a small village in need of carpentry. They offered to replace all the wooden pillars and support beams in all the buildings by themselves. When the villagers asked why they were being so generous, the head monk simply replied
"Isn't it obvious? We're reposting for karma."
