village Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious village puns

A hero comes to a village...

The villagers all looks very upset, so the hero ask what happen. "There is a huge dragon living in the mountain. Every week, it will come down and eat one of our virgin girls" the villager reply. The hero then promise to help. Two weeks later, the dragon starved to death.

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With the Zika virus and how much hooking up happens in the Olympic Village..

The Special Olympics are gonna be awesome in 12 to 14 years.

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An Elderly Couple

An elderly couple Pauline & Frank were recently attending a church service at their retirement village.

About halfway through the service, Pauline took a pen and paper out of her purse, and wrote a note and handed it to Frank.

The note said:" I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

Frank scribbled back: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

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A 100 year old Japanese man is being interviewed for a newspaper piece about extreme old age

and the reporter asks "do you think there's any merit to the stereotype that people from this village live a lot longer than others?"

The old man thinks for a second and says "you know, I'm not sure. Let me go ask my dad". And the reporter, stunned, stammers "y-your dad? Where is he right now??" and the old man says "I think he's out fishing with my grandpa".

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Two blondes meet on a village road.

One of the blondes was carrying a large gunny bag over her shoulder.
'Hey there,' hailed second blonde, 'what is in the bag?'
'Chickens,' came the reply.
'If I guess how many, can I have one?'
'You can have both of them.'
'OK.. five?' Said the second blonde.

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The blacksmith hires an apprentice

He instructed the boy, When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil. When I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer.

The apprentice did exactly as he was told, and now he's the new village blacksmith

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Catholic priest joke

A priest kept chickens at his village. One evening, one of them went missing. At the church mass prayer gathering the priest asked:

-Who has a cock?

All the men got up

-No, I mean who has seen a cock?

All the men and women got up

-No, no, who has seen a cock that is not theirs?

All the women got up

-Oh, for heavens sake, who has seen my cock

All the nuns got up

The boys choir, also, slowly got up

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So there was a tribal chief who decided he needed the biggest hut in the village...

so he gathered the grass he needed and built the only two story hut in the village. He placed his throne on the second story and held audiences there. One night while he slept the throne fell through the floor and crushed his head. The moral of this story is that people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

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The wisest men in the village could not figure out where the sun went at night.

So they stayed up all night discussing it.
And then it dawned on them.
 
(I'll see myself out.)

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I killed a kid while stationed in Afghanistan

So me and my buddies asked a village elder if we could buy a kid as a joke. We didn't think he'd actually sell. $200. So we bring him back to our patrol base then realize...we can't keep this fucking kid. What will we do with him? So we decided we had to get rid of him. Cut his throat, drained all his blood, then butchered him like he was a deer. Threw him on the grill and ate him.
Goat meat isn't bad. Kinda chewy.

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A man and his son on a hill top, look out over the village

A man and his son on a hill top, look out over the village.

"You see our village son? I built about half the houses in that village. But do they call me John the home builder? No"

"You see our village's dock? I built about half those boats. But do they call me John the boat builder? No, no they don't"

"But you fuck 1 goat..."

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A man visits a village

A man visits a village and approaches the town clerk "Have any great men been born in your joke of a town?"


And the clerk responded "well no you foolish man. Only babies have been born in my town."

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The village blacksmith hired an enthusiastic new apprentice

His new apprentice was willing to work long, hard hours.

One day he instructed the boy, When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil. When I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer.

The apprentice did exactly as he was told, and now he's the new village blacksmith.

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I heard about this little village in Africa where everybody is dying of thirst...

So I sent them a "Get Well Soon" card.

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Kill the Dragon

An evil and powerful dragon lives near a village.
It eats a virgin from the village every week.
No one can defeat it.

One day a hero comes and attempts to kill the dragon.
He finds that the dragon is too power to be defeated.
He decides to kill the dragon with intelligence.

Several months later, the dragon is starved to death.

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Two friends are hiking up a trail.

Two friends are hiking up a trail in a remote area of the woods, we will call them Bob and Frank. Out of nowhere a snake leaps and bites Bob square on his penis. Panicking, Frank tells Bob that there was a village nearby and someone HAS to know what to do.

Frank finds the local medicine man who says that this snake IS deadly but if you grab the area and suck out the venom the victim will live.
Armed with this knowledge, Frank runs back to Bob.

"Bob! Bob!" Frank struggles to catch his breath. "I've got good news and bad news."

"Frank I could use some good news right now."

"I know how to get the venom out!"

"Oh man that's great! What's the bad news?"

"You're gonna die."

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A dictator takes over a village...

He says, "Everyone who is not in a relationship, you are free to go. As for everyone else, stay here." The people do what he says.

The dictator continues, "All the men, get in a line and get naked, all of the women, get a blindfold." The townspeople follow procedure.

The dictator then says "All women, you will go down the line and find your significant other. You will do this by giving a blowjob to him."

The first woman goes down the line. "Not mine, not mine, not mine, found him!" They both leave.

The second woman goes down the line. "Not mine, not mine, not mine, not mine, not mine, found him!" They both leave.

The third woman goes down the line. "Not mine, not mine, not mine, not from this village, not mine..."

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So the church is losing money...

...and the friars decide that they need a new income source. To do this, they set up a flower stand, and do a pretty good business selling flowers in the small village. Unfortunately, there is another floral store that is losing business because of the friars. So, they go talk to the friars, telling them to stop selling flowers, because they are losing money. The friars say "no way man, free country, free enterprise."

The owners of the other floral shop decide to get real about these religious flower sellers, so they hire a hitman to go take them out. The hitman, named Hugh, shows up to the friars' store. Hugh, now, he's about 7'1', and 240 pounds of pure muscle. "Hey," he says, "you guys ought to stop sellin flowers." The petrified friars agree that maybe the floral business isn't such a good idea after all, and promptly shut it down.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

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A Farmer in Cornwall see's a bloke drinking from his stream

He shouts, "Wozzon! Ee den wanna be drinkin dat, t'is fulla horse piss an cow shit".

The bloke says "I'm from london and just purchased a property in the village can you speak bit slower please".


The Farmer replies "If - you -use - two - hands - you - won't - spill - any"!!!!!

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The Longest Memory in the World

One day, a young man takes a trip out West and comes across a little Native American village. He decides, what the heck, he'll stop and look around. One of the Native women, seeing that he's not from around, tells the man he should visit the Chief, who she says has the longest and best memory in the world. So the man decides to go visit the Chief and asks: "So I hear you have the greatest memory in the world." The Chief answers "I do. I can remember every single detail of my entire life." The man figures he should test this, and asks the Chief "What did you have for breakfast on April the 27th, 1959?" After stopping to think for a second, the chief answers "two eggs." Satisfied, the man says goodbye to the Chief and eventually leaves the village.
Twenty years later, the man takes another trip out West and comes across the same village. He's amazed when he notices the Chief, still alive after all these years. The man, stops and says hello, so he raises his hand and says, "How" and the Chief replies "fried."

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Condom origins

Did you know the condom was invented in a small village in wales in the 12th century. They thought it would be a good idea to use the lower intestine of a sheep to stop their wives becoming pregnant.

Of course, in the 1350's, the English improved on the idea. They took the lower intestine out of the sheep before they used it.

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3 blonde girls is at the side of a river

And they're trying to get to the village on the other side

1 blond girl ask god to make her smart,so god turn her into a brunette and she swims across the river

the other girl ask god to make her smarter than the girl that just swam,so god make her into a redhead and she built a raft and paddle across

The last girl ask god to make her smarter than the other two girls,so god make her a man and he uses the bridge

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Sunday in church after St. Patrick's Day

It was a sunday after St. Patrick's day in the church of a small village in the west of Ireland. Obviously all the people were more or less hungover, which infuriated the pastor of the village.


"It's a disgrace how we celebrate our most important saint by indulging in binge drinking and other improper activities. If I could have all the wine in the world, I would throw it in the river!"


There was a wave of murmur among the churchgoers.


"If I could have all the beer in the world, I would throw it in the river as well!"

The people put their heads down in guilt, thinking about what they had done.

"If I could have all the SPIRITS in the world, I would throw them in the river with the beer and the wine!"

Now the church was completely silent.

After a short while, the musical conductor of the church spoke up, "Now let us sing hymn number 369, *'Shall We Gather at the River?'*"

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I heard this story from the ambassador of Ireland in Finland.

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A young tribal boy asks the village chief:

How did Howling Moon receive her name?

*Ah,* answers the chief. As her mother went into labor there was a lone wolf howling into the moon!

The boy ponders and asks, What about Jumping Brook? How was he named?

Oh yes, answered the Chief. On the morning of his birth we watched a herd of young deer jumping over the brook.

Say, the chief continues, what makes you so curious, young little Two Goats Fucking?

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My Pi Day joke

There was a village that had four competing pie shops, each inhabiting their own corner of the town. One of these shops was named "The Circle".

The Circle wanted to gain an edge on the other shops, they wanted to stand out. They realized they could transport more pies in their boxes if they made the pies square instead of circular, so they would stack better. The only place in the village to have these oddly-shaped pies is at The Circle.

So, for the area of The Circle, the pie are squared.

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Getting lost in the woods

A crew from a television channel wanted to interview the world's oldest living person for their next show. After weeks of searching they learn about a man in a remote Russian village who is 120 years old. So then they go to the village and start interviewing the old man. They ask him "Can you tell us a funny story that has happened to you?" and the old man says "There was a woman who went missing in the woods a long time ago. So we assembled a party and went to search for the woman bringing along couple of boxes of vodka. We finally find the woman after couple of days. We drink the vodka, all of us fucked the woman and we came back to the village." A little disturbed, the interviewer asks the old man "Can you tell us a different story that has happened to you?" and the man says "Of course, there was a cow that went missing a long time ago. We assembled a party and went to search for the cow with couple of boxes of vodka. We find the cow, drink the vodka, fuck the cow and we came back to the village." Totally disgusted, the interviewer then asks "What was the worst story that has happened to you?", thinking that the old man might say something actually funny and appropriate. Then the old man says "I once got lost in the woods a couple of years ago..."

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Stone and birds...

There was a native American once named 'One Stone' because he was born with
one testicle. He hated his name. He proclaimed if anyone ever called him that again, he would take their life.

One day a young woman named 'Bluebird' forgot and called him '1 stone'. He made love to her until she died from exhaustion.

Years passed an no one called him that again. Until one day 'Yellowbird' returned to the village and let it slip. He made love to her for 5 days and she would not die.

He was perplexed.

When he went to his chief to inquire, the chief replied "Don't be silly. Everyone knows you can't kill two birds with one stone"

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An American decides to go to Russia to get himself a bear trophy...

He arrives in a small village and meets his guide.

The guide explains, "Okay. Ve valk five mile. I go in cave vake bear. She angry. I run, you run, she no eat. I run, you no run, she eat you. Okay?"

The American agrees, grabs his rifle and follows the guide out to the cave. As promised, the guide walks and wakes the bear, and this she-bear is *pissed*.

Immediately the guide and the hunter begin running to the village. The bear is hot on their heels.

About a mile into the run the American feels the years of McDonalds start to kick in. He turns around, and puts a bullet right through the bear's head. Immediately she drops.

Turning to the guide with a smug grin he says, "No why the fuck didn't we do that in the first place?"

Sighing, the guide slowly turns around and replies, "Now you drag bear four mile."

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Two explorers are taken prisoner by cannibals.

The cannibals take the explorers to their village where they are immediately thrown into a big pot of water. A fire is lit beneath them, and immediately the water gets warm. One of the explorers starts laughing hysterically, to which the other explorer exclaims, "What the hell is so funny? We're about to be eaten!" The first explorer calmly replies, "Yeah, well I just pissed in their soup!"

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A father is sitting with his son on a hilltop looking over the village...

The father says: "Son there's something I want you to understand... you see that house we live in?"

The son responded: "yes, dad"

Dad: "I built that house with my bare hands. Do they call me Bob the house builder?" Son says no.

Father says "look at that wall around the village. I built that wall with my bare hands. Do they call me Bob the wall builder?" Son said no.

"Dad where are you going with this?"

"I fuck ONE goat"

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"your happiest memory..."

TV crew is shooting a reality series in a rural and mountainous area and they decide to interview this older man, John, who had lived there all his life. They ask him all sorts of questions, when finally the reporter says: "John, please explain to our viewers at home what your happiest memory is, as a man who has lived in this remote village all his life..."

- John: well, this one time Ed's donkey got lost in the woods, a group of us went up and searched for it. When we found it, we were so happy that we all had sex with the donkey.

- reporter, turning red: what? cut! cut! cut! John, we cannot air something like that! Do you not have another happy memory?


- John: well, this one time Waldo's wife got lost in the woods, a group of us went up and searched for her. When we found her, we were so happy that we all had sex with her.


- reporter, stupefied: cut! cut! cut! For Christ's sake John... you will get me fired. Never mind your happy memories... Why do you not tell us your saddest memory instead?

- John: well, this one time, I got lost in the woods...

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Profound (And Deep) Jokes

A manager at Goldman Sachs has this to tell.

Once upon a time in a village, a man announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for Rs 10. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at Rs 10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.

He further announced that he would now buy at Rs 20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to Rs 25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at Rs 50!

However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers, "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at Rs 35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell it to him for Rs 50."

The villagers squeezed up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

Welcome to 'Goldman Sachs'!

**Continued in the Comments**

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Three women were returning to their Hungarian Village

When they spotted a man, obviously very inebriated, walking ahead of them. As they watched, he stumbled and fell face down in a puddle. When they walked up to him, one woman turned him over to see if she could recognize him. However, his face was covered with mud and she could not tell. So she unzipped his pants. She remarked, "Well he's nto my husband." The second woman peered over the first woman's shoulder and agreed saying "he's definitely not your husband." Then the third woman bent over to look and exclaimed, " he's not even from the village!"

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Zeh Spring.

A French farmer is walking through a field when he sees a couple having sex under a tree. He smiles to himself and says "Ah, zeh spring, zeh flowers, l'amour, it's so beautiful". Then he looks closer and sees she is so pallid, and she's not moving, and then he realizes the awful truth -she is dead. So he thinks "zhat is disgusting" and runs down to the village to get help.

He runs into the bar and says "I was up in Martin's field and I saw a couple making love under a tree". The whole bar in unison sways "Ah, zeh spring, zeh flowers, l'amour, it's so beautiful". The farmer says, "I thought that too, but the woman, she is dead!" The bar says "that is disgusting, we must get the doctor!".

So they run to the doctor. "Doctor, there is a couple in Martins field having sex under a tree!", and the doctor starts "Ah the Spring.." - "No, no, doctor, we already said that - the woman, she is dead!" The doctor says "sacre bleu!" and runs up to check it out.

Half hour later he saunters in the bar and they ask "so doctor, this couple in Martin's field?" and the doctor says "Ah, zeh spring, zeh flowers, l'amour, it's so beautiful". The bar says "but the woman?" and the doctor says "but the woman what?" and the bar says "but the woman, she is dead."

The doctor says "Ah no, she is not dead, she is English".

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There's a family living in a village

So there's a family of four living in a village. The couple are old and poor, their two young sons are unemployed, and they are all dependent on a buffalo for their living.

One morning, the woman wakes up to find the buffalo dead. Distressed, she shoots herself and dies. Next to wake up is her husband. Seeing that both the buffalo and the wife dead, and realizing his sons are no help, he is overcome with grief and decides to kill himself.

As he picks up the gun, a fairy appears. She says "I'm touched at your condition, and I can make your wife and buffalo come back to life. But I have needs. You'll have to fuck me 5 times right now for me to grant your wish." The old man tries, but is too tired after 2 times and gives up. The fairy disappears, and the man kills himself.

Next to wake up is the elder son. He too is overcome with grief and decides to kill himself. Again, the fairy appears and offers him the same deal. He gives up after four times, and failing, kills himself.

The youngest son is the last one to awake. Seeing his family dead, he decides to kill himself, the fairy appears again and offers him the same deal. The boy thinks for a while, and says, "Okay, but don't die on me like that stupid buffalo."

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What are the most funny Village jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Village? Well, here are the best Village dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Village pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes