View Jokes

What are some View jokes?

Why do french tanks have rear view mirrors?

To see the battlefield

Today I was asked how I view lesbian relationships

Apparently "in HD" wasn't the right answer

A feminist once asked me, "What's your view on lesbians?"

I said "1080p"

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are watching a street performer.

The performer suddenly realizes that these men have a poor view so he gets on a small platform. "Can you all see me now?" He asks them.
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sí"
"Ja"

Masturbating while looking in a mirror isn't wrong.

Unless it's a rear view mirror, and you're driving a school bus

So, my lesbian friend asked how I view lesbian relationships.

In Hd was not the correct answer.

If I had a $ for every post I've seen today about Net Neutrality...

I'd have enough money to view a post next year about Net Neutrality.

What do alcoholics and chemists have in common?

They both view alcohol as a solution.



I'll see my self out......

I was viewing a house being sold by a native american

i asked him if it came with running water,

He said 'no, get your own wife'

I just got fired from my job as a bingo caller...

Apparently, "A meal for two with a hairy view" is *not* an appropriate way of calling out number 69...

Newton, Einstein and Pascal are playing hide and seek

While Einstein is counting down from 100, Pascal runs and hides. Newton stands in pain view, and carefully measures out a meter square, then stands in it.

When Einstein turns around, he exclaims "Newton you're supposed to hide so I can't find you" . Newton replies "you found a Newton over a square meter, you found a Pascal"

My very conservative coworker told me about the first time he had sex...

[to view this body of this joke, please upgrade to the Tier II telecom package]

...and I'll never think of jesus the same way again.

What do a G-string and a barbed wire fence have in common?

They both run along the property line without distracting from the view.

Street Performance

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sí."
"Ja."

Overcome with the beauty of the Earth from space, the astronaut removed his helmet

The view was breathtaking

Someone asked me how we usually view lesbians in this country.

Apparently, "usually in HD" wasn't the answer he was looking for.

A feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships. She slapped me when I answered

I guess "In HD" is the wrong answer

What are your views on abortion?

I'm undecided.
On one hand, I like killing babies, on the other, I don't like giving women a choice.

A Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer juggle.

The juggler notices the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands on a large wooden box and calls out can you see me now?

Yes

Oui

Si

Ja

The rear view mirror fell out of my car a couple of months ago and I have never replaced it.

Haven't looked back since.

Today I was asked how I view lesbian relationships.

Apparently "4K ultra high definition" was not the right answer.

Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?

So that they can watch the battle.

An accordion player walks into a bar,

orders a drink and chats up the bartender and the regulars for an hour.

Suddenly, he realizes that not only has he left his instrument in his back seat of his car in full view of passers-by, but he hasn't even locked his doors.

He quickly excuses himself from his conversation and rushes outside and up the block to his vehicle to take care of business, but it was too late.

Sure enough, someone had thrown another accordion in his back seat.

A woman asked me how I view lesbianism the other day...

Apparently "in HD" was not an acceptable answer.

Why did Dave Grohl buy such a tall house?

He wanted to make sure he was getting the best, the best, the best, the best-a view.

I called my girlfriend's mini skirt a fence

Protects the property but doesn't spoil the view

What do G-Strings and barbed wire have in common?

They both protect the property without disrupting the view.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all standing...

They're watching a street performer do some juggling. The juggler then sees that the 4 men have a bad view so he stands up on a big wooden box and says "can you see me now?" The 4 men respond:
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Si"
"Ja"

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, the fire dwindling nearby, Holmes said: "Watson, look up and tell me what you see".

Watson said "I see a fantastic panorama of countless of stars".

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it suggests to me that if there are billions of other galaxies that have roughly similar stellar population densities as represented by my view, that, potentially, trillions of planets may be associated with such a galactic and, therefore, stellar population. Allowing for similar chemical distribution throughout the cosmos it may be reasonably implied that life-and possibly intelligent life-may well fill the universe.

Also, being a believer, theologically, it tells me that the vastness of space may be yet another suggestion of the greatness of God and that we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, the blackness of the sky and the crispness of the stellar images tells me that there is low humidity and stable air and therefore we are most likely to enjoy a beautiful day tomorrow.

Why? - What does it tell you, Mr. Holmes?"

Holmes: "Someone stole our tent".

The perk of being a test tube baby...

...is you get a womb with a view.

Total Eclipse Today

I tried using a colander to view the eclipse.

I think I've strained my eyes.

An ugly man walks into a bar and a beautiful woman approaches him...

... the woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?" and the man is stunned. He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees. They both get into his car and drive really far. He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city. Within seconds they start taking off their clothes. After 15 minutes of vigorous sex they finally finish. They both put their clothes on and they both just sit there awkwardly. The woman speaks up and says "I'm a prostitute and its going to be 100 dollars for my service." The man is stunned and saddened that she didn't really like him. He gives her the money and they both sit there awkwardly. The woman tells him that she is ready to leave and the man replies "I'm a taxi driver and its going to be 150 dollars for the ride here and back."

When asked how I view lesbian relationships

In High Definition apparently is not an appropriate answer.

My lesbian neighbors asked how I view lesbian relationships

In HD was not the right answer

The duck hunter

Grandpa was a keen country sportsman and one day he decided to take his grandson shooting with him. Togged up in all his hunting gear, shotgun broken across his forearm, he proudly led little Jimmy down to the lake side. After waiting patiently for a while a lone duck came into view flying over the lake. "Now watch this Jimmy," says Grandpa. He takes careful aim and fires. The duck flies serenely on. "My boy," exclaims Grandpa, "you are witnessing a miracle. There flies a dead duck."

My lesbian friend asked me how I view Lesbian Relationships

Apparently, in HD wasn't an appropriate answer.

A baby

A women is in the final stages of giving birth, and with one last push she hears the babies cries as the doctor holds it in his arms out of view. The doctor tells her there's a problem and rushes the baby out of the room. After 5 or 10 minutes the women is hysterical with worry for her child. The doctor eventually comes back and stands at the bottom of her bed an says

"Well, There's good new and bad news."

The women, now very worried asks for the bad news first

"Unfortunately, your baby is ginger."

Offended and somewhat relived the women begins a tirade of abuse aimed at the doctor, calling every name under the sun. After 30 seconds of abuse she remembers the good news, and promptly asks him for it.



"It's dead."

Relaxing location

While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. You'll have a beautiful view of the swan pond, he assured them.

Dad wasn't sold: Unless you're including a periscope with my casket, I don't know how I'm going to enjoy it.

Driving a brand new Bugatti

A senior citizen drove his brand new Bugatti to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror , he saw a police car behind him.
He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 170, ...

Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him .

The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said,
"Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes.
Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend.
If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before for why you were speeding.
I'll let U go."

The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :-

"Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!

The Cop left saying,
" Have a good Night , Sir"

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are watching a street artist perform.

The act is spectacular, but the four gentlemen are having a tough time getting a good view.

The performer, by some coincidence, notices this and stands up on a large wooden box to give them a better view. He then calls out to them "Can all of you see me now?"

They each reply:

"Yes"

"Oui"

"Si"

"Ja."

A feminist asked me how I view lesbians

In HD was apparently not the correct answer.

If World War One were a bar fight.

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit. Serbia points out that it can't afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria's trousers. Russia and Serbia look at Austria. Austria asks Serbia who it's looking at. Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone. Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so.

Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene. Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it? Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action. Britain and France ask Germany whether it's looking at Belgium. Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone.

Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium. France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other. Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it's on Britain's side, but stays there. Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria. Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do it. France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change.

Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting. America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a bar stool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself. By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany's fault . While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman...

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney, Australia.

"The view is fantastic, the beer excellent and the food exceptional," said the Scotsman, "but I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow, there's a little bar called McTavish's. The landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nothin'," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you'd like. Then, when you've had enough drink, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid - ALL on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims, but he swears every word is true.
"Well," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"
"Not myself personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister."

What is one thing that both Australians & Americans share the same view on?

1961

Two Scottish men go golfing on a Saturday morning...

As they are in the middle of their round, a funeral procession passes in full view of the two golfers. One of them stops everything, pulls his hat off, and holds it over his heart as he watches. He stands there, not touching his clubs until the very last car passes the course.

"Wow," says his friend. "That's the most touching thing I've ever seen."

"Well," says the first. "We *were* married for 40 years."



(Told to me by a Scottish golfer.)

What's the female equivalent of a circlejerk?

The View

I took a Scottish girl to the countryside.

"Hello view!" she said, looking out the window of our rented house.

I said, "I love you too..."

40 years ago today, Louise Brown became the first test tube baby...

She had a womb with a view.

Turning into stone

There were two boys taking a walk through the woods. They eventually cam upon a nice calm river. While they are enjoying the view they notice a woman standing in the nude, bathing. Immediately after seeing her one of the boys runs back through the woods. The other boy chased him and when he catches up he asks,"Why did you run away from the river?" The boy replies,"My mom said that if I stare at naked women I will turn into stone and I felt something getting hard!"

Engineers' view about a glass of water!

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

I was recently asked how I view lesibians.

Apparently in HD isn't the right answer.

Someone asked me how I view Lesbian relationships...

and apparently, "in HD" wasn't the correct answer.

this is for my country

Four guys climb the highest observation point in the world. A white guy, black, jew, and german.

Theyr reach the very top and the german leans over the edge and is taken aback by the view.

Suddenly he shouts out "THIS IS FOR MY COUNTRY!" And leaps to his death.

Feeling a sudden urge of patriotism the jew leans over the edge and shouts "THIS IS FOR MY COUNTRY!!!" and leaps to his death.

Scared from witnesing two apparent suicides the black guy leans over the edge to check if the two had survived the fall.

"THIS IS FOR MY COUNTRY!!!' Shouts the white man and pushes the black guy over the edge and proceeds to walk back down.





Hey Guys! They brought back Angry Beavers! Isn't it great?

Its been renamed to The View, however...

What's the atheist's view on God?

Nahweh.

You know you're drunk when you've got to swerve to avoid a pine tree in the middle of the road...

...only to realize it was the air freshener hanging from your rear view mirror.

How to make View jokes?

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