view Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious view stories

What are the best view puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about View? Well here is a complete list of the top view jokes:

If I had a $ for every post I've seen today about Net Neutrality...

I'd have enough money to view a post next year about Net Neutrality.

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Street Performance

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sí."
"Ja."

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Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?

So that they can watch the battle.

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Four Europeans and a Juggler

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.

The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"

"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sí."
"Ja."

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A nihilist's view on geometry:

Circles are pointless.

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Freud's response

Freud comes back from the dead, and asks the first person he sees if he knows who he is.

The man replies: "No, I do not."

Freud says: "why, I am the great Sigmund Freud. I am the father of modern psychology, I have made great advancements in studying the human psyche!"

Man replies: "but Freud, all of your 'advancements' have been wildly discredited, and many psychologists view you as a joke."

Freud's response: "those mother-fuckers"

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Four men are watching a street performer

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all standing watching a street performer juggle. The juggler notices that the four men have a poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you see me now?"

And they replied,
Yes.
Oui.
Sí.
Ja.

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Hey Guys! They brought back Angry Beavers! Isn't it great?

Its been renamed to The View, however...

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I got fired from my Bingo Caller Job...

Apparently "A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way you say 69.

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As a kid I used to get so excited to see the cockpit on the plane

As a kid I used to get so excited to see the cockpit on the plane. I would always sit on the isle seat and wait for the cockpit door to open. Sometime the flight attendant will get in the way and block your view, you know bend over in a sexy way sorting stuff or helping someone .so I say to her "HEY MOVE! I WANT TO SEE THE PLANES COCKPIT NOT YOURS"



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Why couldn't the man be bothered to look at the origami mountains?

*because it was pay-per view.*

"paper view"

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Job opening in a fast paced company

Do you want a corner office with a view?
Do you like being paid to travel in a $400,000 company paid vehicle?
Do you like to be in control of your job and steer it in the direction you want?
Do you want people to respect you, and get out of your way?

Bob did, so he became a bus driver in our company. You can be one too! Apply today!

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The Street Performer

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"

"Yes."

"Oui."

"Sí."

"Ja."

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A Man Gets Pulled Over

So a man is driving down the street when he approaches a large box of push tac's in the middle of the road and swerves to avoid it. He keeps driving but soon hears a siren and see's a police officer in his rear view mirror hailing him to pull over.
"Do you know why I pulled you over, Sir?"
"No Officer, why?"
"Tac's Evasion"

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GF: Are you seriously going to open the blinds naked?

ME: yes, I feel like if people put enough effort to look through hundreds of hotel windows, then they deserve to get a prize.

GF: oh! like "You sir just earned yourself a wiener view"

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I hate how the losers of every election maintain such a high view of themselves...

They're conceded

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Why did the French need rear view mirrors on there tanks?

So the could see the battlefield.

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I like bi-sexual people

They see things from both points of view. HEYOOOOO!

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3 guys go to a cliff

Three guys go to a cliff to see the view. When they get there a wise old magician sitting there. He then says "since you are the first people that have found me in 20 years I will let you turn into something of your choice. But first you have to run and jump off the cliff. The first guy goes and jumps off and shouts "I WANT TO BE AN EAGLE. He then flys away in his eagle body. The second guy goes and jumps off and shouts "I WANT TO BE A PARROT" he then flies away. Finally the last guy goes and right before he jumps he trips off the cliff. He then shouts "OH SHIT"

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This is why Gabriel Iglesias is the coolest comedian ever.

How many entertainers do you know that would direct their fans to view pirated material, simply out of love for their work?

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this is for my country

Four guys climb the highest observation point in the world. A white guy, black, jew, and german.

Theyr reach the very top and the german leans over the edge and is taken aback by the view.

Suddenly he shouts out "THIS IS FOR MY COUNTRY!" And leaps to his death.

Feeling a sudden urge of patriotism the jew leans over the edge and shouts "THIS IS FOR MY COUNTRY!!!" and leaps to his death.

Scared from witnesing two apparent suicides the black guy leans over the edge to check if the two had survived the fall.

"THIS IS FOR MY COUNTRY!!!' Shouts the white man and pushes the black guy over the edge and proceeds to walk back down.





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My first time trying on contacts was an eye opening experience...

...It made me view the world in a whole new way

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An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman...

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney, Australia.

"The view is fantastic, the beer excellent and the food exceptional," said the Scotsman, "but I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow, there's a little bar called McTavish's. The landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nothin'," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you'd like. Then, when you've had enough drink, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid - ALL on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims, but he swears every word is true.
"Well," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"
"Not myself personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister."

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So...Donald Trump was on The View today.

I kept rewinding it and watching it trying to spot Elizabeth Hasselbeck's boner.

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A Brand New Corvette

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mp
h, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

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Since you liked the first one...more Russian jokes. (Airplane Intercom Version)

"Good afternoon passengers. We are currently flying at 20000 feet. If you take a look out of the windows on the left-hand side you will get a good view of our left engine on fire. If you look out the right-hand side windows you will see our right wing has fallen off. Below the airplane you will soon see 5 parachutes. Our crew thanks you for flying Aeroflot. We wish you a pleasant journey to wherever your final destination may be."

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Bob walks into a bar in New York City...

...and sits down to order a drink. He notices everyone gathered around the window with view of the skyline. Bob gets up to see and notices the man at the top of the Empire State Building, about to jump. They all wait in anticipation for him to jump and he does. Right before he hits the ground he puts his feet together and the vent from the street pushes him back into the air and he lands safely. He then walks into the same bar. The men look at him in pure astonishment then Bob approaches him and says, "How the hell did you do that?!? You're perfectly fine!" the man then replies, "Right at the last second I put my feet together and the air vent at the bottom pushes me into air and lets me land safely. Try it." The man, so amazed, goes to the top of the building. Every man in the bar is watching including the bar tender. The man jumps and at the last second does what the man told him and hits the ground and is splattered on impact. Everyone in the bar is silent with disgust. The bartender then breaks the silences with, "You know, you're a real scumbag when you're drunk, Superman"

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"Have a good day, sir"



He got his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights
flashing and siren blaring.

He floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.
Today is Friday.

If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper

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Highly offensive, may not want to view if you can't take a joke!

Q: What's the difference between acne and a pedophile?

A: Acne doesn't come on your face until you're twelve.

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Penguin Needs Car Repairs

A penguin is driving along the highway when, suddenly his engine starts running rough and he sees smoke in his rear view mirror. He pulls off the highway and finds the nearest service station, and pulls up to the garage with the car shaking and sputtering. He tells the mechanic what happened, and the mechanic says "OK, give me 10 minutes to check it out."

Meanwhile, the penguin sees an ice cream shop across the street. Thinking this is a perfect time for a tasty treat, he heads over and gets himself an ice cream cone.

After he finishes, he walks back over to the garage, and asks the mechanic "So, did you find out what's wrong?"

The mechanic looks at the penguin and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin quickly wipes his face and says "Oh, no, that's just the ice cream."

(Not sure if this has been posted)

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A Mexican man sneaks across the border to watch his favorite football team play...

...and makes it all the way to the stadium. He doesn't have tickets so he finds a large pole to climb up on and jumps down into the top of the bleachers to get a bird-eye view of the game.

After the game was over and his buddies ask him how the game was back in Mexico he replies:

"I don't know why you all don't think Americans are nice. As soon as I sat down everyone turned around, looked at me, and started singing 'Jose, can you see?'"

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The duck hunter

Grandpa was a keen country sportsman and one day he decided to take his grandson shooting with him. Togged up in all his hunting gear, shotgun broken across his forearm, he proudly led little Jimmy down to the lake side. After waiting patiently for a while a lone duck came into view flying over the lake. "Now watch this Jimmy," says Grandpa. He takes careful aim and fires. The duck flies serenely on. "My boy," exclaims Grandpa, "you are witnessing a miracle. There flies a dead duck."

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What do you do when your wife is blocking view of the TV?

Go to the kitchen and shorten her chain.

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one day at the mental hospital ...

A guy is walking past a mental hospital when he hears some of the residents, on the grounds, chanting "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
There's a fence blocking his view so he has no idea why they are chanting "Thirteen!" and curiosity gets the better of him. He searches the fence and eventually finds a small hole at about head height.
As he puts his eye up to the hole, a stick jabs through it, poking him in the eye and leaving him staggering around in agony.
Through his pain he's dimly aware that the chanting has changed to "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

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The senior citizen and the Corvette.

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

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They say that when Diana died she was on the radio......

and the rear view mirror, and the heater vents, and the dashboard..........

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, the fire dwindling nearby, Holmes said: "Watson, look up and tell me what you see".

Watson said "I see a fantastic panorama of countless of stars".

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it suggests to me that if there are billions of other galaxies that have roughly similar stellar population densities as represented by my view, that, potentially, trillions of planets may be associated with such a galactic and, therefore, stellar population. Allowing for similar chemical distribution throughout the cosmos it may be reasonably implied that life-and possibly intelligent life-may well fill the universe.

Also, being a believer, theologically, it tells me that the vastness of space may be yet another suggestion of the greatness of God and that we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, the blackness of the sky and the crispness of the stellar images tells me that there is low humidity and stable air and therefore we are most likely to enjoy a beautiful day tomorrow.

Why? - What does it tell you, Mr. Holmes?"

Holmes: "Someone stole our tent".

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3 guys on a cliff

Three guys go to a cliff to see the view. When they get there a wise old magician sitting there. He then says "since you are the first people theat have found me in 20 years I will let you turn into something of your choice. But first you have to run ang jump off the cliff.
The first guy goes and jumps off and shouts "I WANT TO BE AN EAGLE. He then flys away in his eagle body.
The second guy goes and jumps off and shouts "I WANT TO BE A PARROT" he then flies away.
Finally the last guy goes and right before he jumps he trips off the cliff. He then shouts "OH SHIT"

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What does a woman's thong have in common with a barbed wire fence?

... they both protect the perimeter without obstructing the view.

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A Beautiful Day for a Parachute Jump

A man jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on his back. He pulls the rip cord and nothing happens.....pulls the reserve and nothing... as the earth rapidly approaches he decides that he might as well enjoy the view on the way down.

The wind is ripping past his face, he's dropping like a rock, and at 5000 feet, another man goes shooting up past him. In desperation, the man with the chute looks up and yells,
"Hey do you know anything about parachutes?!"

The guy flying up looks down and yells, "No!, do you know anything about gas ovens?!"

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best view jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 40 puns about view. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty view gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these view jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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