vietnam Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious vietnam puns

My dad, a vietnam veteran, told me that there's one thing that always sticks with kids and adults no matter how old they are.

Napalm

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How many Vietnam Vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

YOU DON'T KNOW! YOU WEREN'T THERE!

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Studying engineering in school is like World War 2.

The objective is clear, there's an obvious enemy, and everyone is fighting for the same cause.

Interviewing to get an engineering job is like Vietnam. Everybody tells you a different objective, you're not properly equipped for the environment, and the Asians are always one step ahead.

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How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a light bulb?

YOU DON'T KNOW!!! YOU WEREN'T THERE!!!!

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"Name one person that could beat Captain America"

Captain Vietnam

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How many Vietnam Veterans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

YOU DON'T KNOW, MAN, BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T THERE..!!!

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How many Vietnam veterans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

YOU WOULDN'T KNOW SON YOU WEREN'T THERE!!

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Vietnam

Two men are approaching each other on the sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969." The other points behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."

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Who can beat Captain America?

Captain Vietnam.

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During the Vietnam war, if you reported one communist...

You would win one thousand dollars.
If you reported 2 communists, you would win 2 thousands dollars.
If you reported 3 communists, you would go to jail because you knew too many communists.

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Vietnam veteran comes back from a tour of duty...

only to find out he has some kind of exotic STD. his dick burns when he pisses and has lumps and bumps on it that are red, green, blue and purple. He goes to the V.A. hospital and the doctor says he's never seen anything like it, but he's pretty sure he's going to have to amputate.

"Fuck that" the vet says, "I'm going to a real doctor".

The next doctor doesn't have any better news for him and also recommends amputation. Being so attached to his member, he thinks about it and comes up with an idea. "Since I got this funky crotch rot from those Asian hookers I was fucking, maybe an Asian doctor can help me.

After the Asian doctor examines him he come to a conclusion; "No Mr. Smith, we no have to amputate".

"Really? That's great news Doc, thank you!"

"Yeah, three maybe four day, it fall off by self."

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A week before Memorial Day, kids bring pictures of veteran family members to school for show and tell.

First up was Mary. "My daddy served in Afghanistan. He was a paratrooper."

"A paratrooper?" Asked the teacher, who was awed.

"Yes, please look closer -- you can see his jump badge."

Second was Joe. "My granny served in Vietnam. She was a doctor."

"A doctor?" Asked the teacher, who was moved.

"Yeah, see? That's a stethoscope hanging around her neck."

Third was little Johnny, "This is my great grandpa. He was an electrician."

"An electrician?" Asked the teacher, who was perplexed.

"Yeah, here. You can see the two lightning bolts on his helmet"

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A Vietnamese couple met on Match.com and it turns out they complement each other perfectly

You might say it's a Nguyen-Nguyen situation

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Why is six afraid of seven?

Six hasn't been the same since he came back from Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he sees Charlie hiding in the darkness, dead bodies hanging in the canopy, and remembers the smell of blood and gunpowder.

When he sees seven, he is reminded of those days.

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Dragging your feet.



Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.

As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969.

The other points his thumb behind him and says, Dog shit, 20 feet back.

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My Vietnamese friends just got married. They have the same common last name, so neither of them needed to change anything.

You could say it's a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.

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My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took the Purple Heart that he got in Vietnam.

He was so mad he threw his prosthetic leg at me.

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Why do most Vietnamese people seem like male prostitutes?

Because they pay for everything with their Dongs

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What do you call a Vietnam war hero with a new apartment?

New tenant Dan

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Have you read the news?

I was reading the news the other day and came across a story from Vietnam. There were two gentlemen working in a rice paddy when one became enraged at the other and bludgeoned him to death with a small ceramic figurine. Reports indicate that this is the first ever case of knick-knack paddy whack.

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A Teacher Assigns a Project to her Students...

The assignment was to think of a story in your life that has a good moral, then share that story with the class. On the day everyone had to present their story, everyone went but Mike.
"Mike," the teacher asked "What's your story?"
So, Mike stood up and went to the front of the class to begin. "Well, my daddy was a Fighter pilot in the Vietnam war. He was afraid of hights, so always drank 10 beers before missions. One day, he was shot down behind enemy lines. When he crashed, he exited his plane without harm. But, to his surprise, he was surrounded my 10 Vietnamese troops. He pulled out his pistol and shot 8. He then ran out of ammo. So, he pulled out his pocket knife and killed the last 2. He was eventually found and rescued after 5 days alone."
The teacher, amazed, asked "Well, Mike, what was the moral?"
Mike straightened up and proudly said to the class, "Don't fuck with daddy when he's drunk!"

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Which superhero can beat Captain America?

Captain Vietnam

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Which country has the cheapest prostitutes?

Vietnam. Because over there you need 20840 dongs to make a dollar.

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A new doctor goes to work for a year in Cambodia, where people still get maimed from landmines left over from the Vietnam War era

In his very first day in the hospital, the doctor sees a young girl in the post-operation area. She is crying, and in a panic, she says to him, "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

He looks down at the young girl, and in his best bedside manner, tells her, "That's because the doctors had to amputate your arms."

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This Vietnamese couple I knew got married...

Luckily for them they shared the same last name so it wasn't a big hassle for either of them. It was a Nguyแป…n-Nguyแป…n situation.

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My granddad went to Vietnam and singlehandedly fought and injured 30 North Vietnamese.

Next year, we are vacationing somewhere else.

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My Vietnamese neighbor brought me some pho

A Vietnamese woman recently moved in next door. I guess she wanted to make friends so she brought me a bowl of pho. She didn't say anything and smiled, so I assumed she didn't speak English.

That night, I devoured the Vietnamese delicacy but quickly realized it gave me a cold, as I was coughing my heart out.

The next day, she comes back to collect the bowl. She says English, Bowl please. I thought this was broken English so I tried to speak back and tell her how I caught a cold from the pho. I said pho cough . I wonder why she hates me so much.

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Why was six afraid of seven?

Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. He can seldom close his eyes without opening them again at fear of Charlies lurking in the jungle trees. Not that you could ever see the bastards, mind you. They were swift, and they knew their way around the jungle like nothing else. He remembers the looks on the boys' faces as he walked into that village and... oh, Jesus. The memories seldom left him, either. Sometimes he'd reminisce - even hear - Tex's southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn's cigarettes like nothing else. He always kept a pack of Lucky's with him. The boys are gone, now. He knows that; it's just that he forgets, sometimes. And, every now and then, the way that seven looks at him with avid concern in his eyes... it makes him think. Sets him on edge. Makes him feel like he's back there... in the jungle.

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Have you ever visited the area between Thailand and Vietnam?

Don't bother. It's pretty Laos-y.

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My Vietnamese roommate is moving to Vegas (giving me a place to crash in Vegas), and leaving behind a full bedroom set for free...

This is a real Nguyen-Nguyen situation for me.

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A teacher instructs her fifth-grade class to ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end.

The next day the kids come in and share their stories. "My daddy told me about my uncle Dave," says one boy. "He was a pilot in Vietnam and had to bail out over enemy territory with nothing but a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a knife. He drank the whiskey during the drop, then landed in the middle of 20 Charlies. He shot 15, stabbed three, and killed the last two with his bare hands."
"What is the moral of this horrible story?" yelps the mortified teacher.
"Stay away from Uncle Dave when he's drinking."

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How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a light bulb?

You don't know! You weren't there, man!

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Did you hear about the Vietnam veteran who became a sewage worker?

He's seen some shit.

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Lick That!

Tommy, Johnny and Harry were standing around bullshitting about how tough their fathers were.

"My dad went 12 rounds with Mike Tyson. Lick that!" said young Harry.

"Well, my dad did two tours of Vietnam and killed 19 men... so lick that!" Tommy said.

"That's nothing!" declared little Johnny. "My dad hasn't wiped his ass in 10 years... so lick that!"

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How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a light bulb?

YOU DON'T FUCKING KNOW, YOU WASN'T THERE!

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What are the most funny Vietnam jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Vietnam? Well, here are the best Vietnam dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Vietnam pick up lines to share with friends.

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