Victim Jokes

Following is our collection of Victim funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include dirty puns, clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best Victim jokes

My mate David was a victim of ID theft

Now we just call him Dav

I just fell victim to a dad joke

Dad: What do you get when you cross a tuna, a piano, and glue.

Me: I don't know?

Dad: You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna.

Me: What about the glue?

Dad: I knew you would get stuck on that part.

Coffee is the silent victim in our house...

It gets mugged every day.

A doctor was treating a victim of a beating.

Doctor: How did this happen?

Patient: I was banging my neighbor over her kitchen table when we hear the front door open.
She said "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every day.

Great Mystery

Newsboy : "Great mystery! Fifty victims! Paper, mister ?"

Passerby : "Here boy, I'll take one" (After reading a moment) "Say, boy, there's nothing of the kind in this paper. Where is it ?"

Newsboy : "That's the mystery, sir. You're the fifty first victim".

09:51 Arrive at the crime scene.

09:51 Find murder victim.

09:51 Cordon off the area.

09:51 Start searching for murder weapon.

09:51 Realise watch has stopped.

David was a victim of ID theft

He's now known as Dav.

A young burn victim gets new eyelids made from his foreskin!

Doctors say he will be a little cockeyed.

If life was like middle school

Judge: In all my years on the bench, I have never seen a more despicable criminal. You robbed, assaulted, and tortured the victim simply for the thrill of it. Do you have anything to say before I sentence you?

Criminal: Nope

Judge: I hereby sentence you to forty years in a maximum security prison. I also sentence the victim to forty years in prison.

Victim: Wait- what? That doesn't make any sense! *He* attacked *me*!

Judge: I don't care who started it.

My friend Sid was a victim of ID theft.

Now he is known as S.

My friend has died after his trophy cabinet fell on him.

He was a victim of his own success.

There is a man drowning 100 feet from shore and is crying for help.......

A Democrat shows up and throws him 200 feet of rope. The excess rope weighs the victim down and he drowns.

A Republican shows up and throws out 50 feet of rope and demands that the victim take some responsibility for himself and swim to the rope. He can't and drowns.

A libertarian shows up and shrugs it isn't my problem and just goes away; the victim drowns.

A bunch of Tea Party types show up. One throws the victim a heavy rock; the victim drowns and all of the tea partiers cheer.

A Green Party member shows up. He yells at the victim for polluting the water. The victim drowns.

A doctor, a priest and a model are driving.

So the three of them are driving on a country road, when they hit a bunny. They stop and get out, overwhelmed with sympathy for their fluffy victim, it lies motionless on the road


The doctor draws on all his skills to try and get the bunny up again, but to no avail. The priest kneels down and gives the bunny his last rites and blesses it. They are about to bury it when the model stops them.


She takes a can of hairspray and sprays the bunny all over. It gets up and hops away as the priest and the doctor stand speechless. Ten yards down the road the bunny turns around and waves at the tree companions. Twenty yards away, it turns around and waves again. This goes on until the bunny disappears into the high grass beside the road.


"What on earth is in that spray can?", asks the doctor.


"I don't know ..." replies the model, "... but it certainly works as advertised" And she hands the doctor the can.


The can reads: "instantly revives your hair, adds a permanent wave"

A pickpocket is a victim of a motorcycle hit-and-run.

A police officer comes to his aid.

"Do you remember his license plate?" he asks.

"No" says the pickpocket weakly, "but here's his wallet."

Holmes and Watson were investigating a murder at an archaeological dig-site

Holmes picks up several of the rocks and pebbles surrounding the murder victim. After a while, Holmes turns to his companion and says "I've cracked the case. The suspect was clearly murdered with a blow to the head by a rock, which then crumbled and scattered into pieces."

"How on Earth can you tell?" exclaims Watson.

"It's sedimentary, my dear Watson."

Did you hear about the shark attack victim that lost her left arm and left leg?

No? Well, she is all right now.

Three spinsters went on safari...

and they came upon a huge gorilla. The gorilla grabs one of the women and runs off into the jungle. The other two patiently track the gorilla for three days, until they come to his lair. Ethel, the victim, is horribly bruised and scratched, without a stitch of clothing. Wilma and Blanche quickly cover her with a blanket and make their way to a hospital.
After a week, Ethel is still crying and carrying on. Wilma says "Ethel, you've just *got* to pull yourself together! It's not healthy!"
"What can I say" sobbed Ethel. "He never calls, he never writes!"

How did they determine that the shark attack victim had dandruff?

...because all that washed up on the beach was his head and shoulders.

Witness in a trial

In a trial, a doctor who had performed the autopsy on the victim was called up to the stand by the prosecuting lawyer. After the doctor swears not to lie, he takes his seat getting ready to answer the lawyer's questions.

**Lawyer:** "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

**Doctor:** "No."

**Lawyer:** "Did you check for blood pressure?"

**Doctor:** "No."

**Lawyer:** "Did you check for breathing?"

**Doctor:** "No."

**Lawyer:** "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"

**Doctor:** "No."

**Lawyer:** "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"

**Doctor:** "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."

**Lawyer:** "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"

**Witness:** "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

There was a murder last night...

The victim had been brutally mutilated, missing the entire right side of his body.

When the police finally arrived at the scene, they were only able to find what was left of him.

(didn't think this was enough to constitute a NSFW tag, if so oops)

Govt. Statistics show that 35% of all school kids fall victim to online bullying and this can only mean 1 thing

65% of my emails aren't going out

Hi, my name is Dav

I am a victim of id theft.

In a jungle, there are two cannibals eating a man

They ate their victim, one starting at the head and the other starting at the feet.

After a while, the cannibal who had started at the feet asked his friend, "How are you doing?"

"I'm having a ball!" came the reply.

"Slow down, you're eating too fast!"

Why did the cannibal separate the meat, blood, and skin of his victim?

So he could eat, drink, and be Mary.

I'm a victim of child abuse

Some kid in the park called me ugly

All the victims were deaf, dumb or blind...

...these are senseless killings.

Yoda stands in the doorway, surveying the crime scene.

The victim is lying face down on the floor in a pool of his own blood. Huge chunks have been taken out of him, and clear teeth marks are visible around the open wounds. Against a nearby wall lies the suspected killer. Mouth full of blood (likely not his own) and back broken in such a way that he can't have lasted long.


Yoda's partner, Luke, looks around in disgust.

"What do you think? Open and shut case of murder suicide?"


Yoda stares grimly, nods, but says nothing.


Yoda walks into the room, and walks around the corpse on the floor.


"So should I just go ahead and tell Nine's family?" Luke says.


Yoda looks at Luke with a glimmer in his eye. "Eaten alive, this man was. Disfigured, he is. Nine, he looks like. But Nine, this man is not. Six, Seven eight."

Big Chief

There once was a great Native Village Chief, named Akimbe, living in the peacefulness America had to offer. One day, he fell victim to an awful stomach ache, so he decided to consult the village Medicine Man.

"Big Chief no fart!" Said the Chief.

"Take this herbal remedy" said the Medicine Man. "It will clear you of your problems".

The next day, the Chief returned to the Medicine Man, frustrated saying: "Big Chief no fart!"

The Medicine Man doubled the dosage and sent the Chief on his way.

The next day, the Chief returns to the medicine man, furious. "BIG CHIEF NO FART!"

Afraid, the Medicine man gives the Chief the most potent remedy he has, hoping to clear him for good.

The next day, the Chief's wife pays a visit to the Medicine Man:

"Big fart, no Chief!"

Two cops contacts with homicide via radio:

- Send in a team ... - What is situation? - The murder, the victim is a man, 38 years old, his mother struck him with a knife several times for entering on the wet, just cleaned floor. - Did you arrest her? - No, the floor still wet.

My maid was a victim of ID theft...

Now she's my ma.

Coma victim...

A man wakes up after being in a coma for 20 years. Immediately he calls his bank to see how his savings have grown with interest over the last two decades and is told he has $144,833,411, 19 in his account.

Whooo- Hoo! I'm a multi-millionaire!

He hobbles down the hallway giggling to himself at his good fortune. I'm gonna celebrate!

At the end of the hallway is a Coca-Cola Machine.

Ahhh! That'll taste good after all these years!

He fishes in his pocket and comes out with a dollar bill and inserts it. He can't wait!

Suddenly, a voice comes from the vending machine:

Please add an additional, $47, 499 dollars.

A lumberjack was being cross-examined during a murder trial.

The defense lawyer, trying to discredit the lumberjack as a witness, asked him:


"Is it true you were working at night?Β  How can you be sure that it was a pine tree that fell on the victim?"


The lumberjack replied confidently: "I know what I saw."

Getting away with murder is easy

What's the victim going to do?

Call the police?

Awesome Reporting of the Accident

A car was involved in an accident. As expected a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story, could not get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim. The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

I am a victim of cyber bullying

Every day my bank emails me to notify me that my account is under the required threshold. I do not need reminders that I am poor.

Did you guys hear about the serial killer who's using smaller and smaller socks to strangle each new victim?

Be careful, they say he's still at large.

What do you call a Mexican Carjacking Victim?

CarLoss.

A blonde, brunette, and a red head...

So a blonde, brunette,and a red head are each forced to kill their husbands and dispose of the corpse. They all kill their victim and have the responsibility of disposing of the body so they all throw the body in the trunks of their cars. Now, they each have to drive to the location where they can safely dispose of the body. The red head gets in her car and decides she'll drive in the left lane since that's the fast lane, so she can go fast, get to the location quickly, and dispose of the body. A cop pulls her over for going too fast, she gets a ticket but gets back on her way to get rid of the body, no problem. Brunette gets into her car decides she'll drive in the right lane since that's the lane with slower traffic, to not look suspicious. Cop pulls her over for driving too slow and impeding traffic, gives her a ticket but she continues on her way, no problem. Blonde gets into her car decides to drive in the HOV lane since she never sees anyone there it'll be a smooth ride to the location. Cop pulls her over for driving in the HOV lane with only person. Cop writes her a ticket for that, blonde reads the ticket and says "No, officer, I'm not the only person in the car I have my husband in the trunk.

Made it up myself not the best but I think it is OC

I was told if I wanted to plan a murder, I needed to take everything one step at a time...

So I pushed my victim down the stairs.

I said some stubtly racist stuff to a magpie

She was a victim of my crow aggressions.

A mugger pulls a knife and shouts "Your money or your life!"

The victim just shurgs, keeps walking and calls over his shoulder "I'm a postdoc, I don't have either."

Michael J Fox is the next hollywood star accused of sexual assault.

His victim said "his hands were everywhere"

My friend david was a victim of ID theft.

Now he's just Dav.

I know it might be a little late for Moore victim jokes

But really, they never get old.

What do you call a burn victim in a wheelchair?

Hot wheels.

Victim (after burglary): They stole everything from my house but the soap and towels.

Cop: Those dirty crooks.

"I am the young brother, let me through"

A man rushed to a gathering at an accident scene. Unable to see the victim because of the crowd the man said,"I am the young brother, let me through" The crowd looked at the man & paved the way silently.At the centre lay a donkey which had been hit by a car.

The drowning man

A conservative and a liberal are walking along the beach when they see a man drowning a hundred feet off shore.

The conservative throws him a 50-foot rope and shouts to the victim "You provide the other fifty feet." The liberal throws the man a 200-foot rope ... and lets go of both ends.

What did the victims of a month-delayed April Fool's prank feel?

Dismay.

How did the roman cannibal feel about his victim?

He was glad he ate her.

What was the victim of the car crash wearing?

A Casualty

(Casual-Tee, as in Tee-Shirt)


100% Guraneed Originality
You can know for sure I made it up because of how corny it is...

Coffee is the most silent victim ever.

It gets mugged every day.

What does a shark victim see before their end?

Fin.

A fight breaks out at a wedding....

A fight breaks out at a wedding. A man pulls out a gun and shoots his Grandad, Brother, and Uncle but there is only one victim. How is this possible?

The wedding was held in Alabama

I work as a mortician, and recently had a case of an unidentified murder victim who was killed in a bakery

I had to mark him down as a Jon dough.in the file.

A rape victim went to see a Psychotherapist. She left the building running and screaming before her session.

The sign on the door said;

Psycho

the

rapist

Some day I have a victim mentality

But it's not my fault

Victim gets beat up, laptop stolen

But that's not the whole story so if you see "charged with battery" don't buy it!

Why did the raisin go to the police?

Because, he was a grape victim.

People tell me soup is better with flavor cubes.

But I don't put a lot of stock in that.

Because of it, though, I was the victim of a lot of boullion.

My girlfriend was asked to step aside and frisked at the airport for resembling a Friends character.

I think she was a victim of Rachel profiling.

What's the integral of 1/(cabin)

A natural log cabin.

Wait, I forgot the C

It's a flood victim house

Where did the vegetarian cannibal get caught eating his last victim?

The long term care ward

1 in 20 people have been a victim of crime.

Which means 19 out of 20 people are criminals.

What did the homicidal inventor say to his last victim?

Time to DIY

'The victim was beaten with a porcelain angel figurine, suspect confirmed to be an Irishman'

'I guess you could say he was Knick-Knack Paddy Whacked.'

A man got arrested for assaulting someone with a defibrillator.

The victim said that he was gonna press charges.

Of all the victims of Harvey....

....I think I feel the most sorry, for the children who had been praying for a swimming pool.

Comic: Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?

Victim: No. I have not heard about the new corduroy pillows.
Comic: Really? I find that very surprising because they are making headlines everywhere!

How many Tumblr women does it take to change a light bulb?

I WILL NOT BE A VICTIM!

Prince Phillip has finally apologised to the crash victim saying he's deeply sorry...

Only took him 21 years

A person runs into a police-station and shouts "Help - I've been graped!"

The desk-officer asked "Don't you mean raped?"

The victim cried "No! there was a bunch of them!"

Tom Cruise was carrying amphetamine when he was mugged.

When the ambulance arrived the paramedic examined Tom Cruise and determined he was winded by a swift knee to the solar plexus.

The police officer wrote in his file: "The victim, Tom Cruise, got kneed for speed."

Serial killer words of wisdom?

Never criticize a victim until you've walked a mile in their skin...

What did the vampire lizard say to his next victim?

Iguana suck your blood!

[OC] Two peanuts were walking down the street

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.

The assailant, a third peanut not known to the victim or his friend, pleaded "not guilty" on grounds of insanity; however, after much deliberation, he was sentenced to five years for the assault, because he wasn't a nut at all.

A kidnapper and his victim are walking into a dark forest together

Kidnapper says "I don't know what your crying for I'm the one who has to walk back on my own"

Did you heard about the cardiac arrest victim?

He was shocked when he survived

When I found out the murderer dismembered the victim,

It really tore me into pieces.

Did you hear about the robber who wouldn't stop complaining about his victim

That's the problem with a petty theif

Looking at the victims body,

Looking at the victim's body, the cops concluded that they died from ingesting hydrofluoric acid, but it was a baseless accusation.

What do you call a victim of an urban oil spill?

A city slicker

How do you get an elephant across the freeway?

Take the "F" out of "free" and the "F" out "way".


...



*victim says "there's no F in way"*


(there's no effin' way)

A clown was killed today after his baggy suit caught on the wheels of a passing truck; Newspapers report he was simply a victim of circus pants.

What did the Chernobyl victim name his balls?

Bill, Kevin, Tom, and Steve

This just in! There was another victim found in the suicide forest...

Logan Paul's career

What do you call a frostbite victim who hates milk

Lack toes intolerant

My mate Sid was a victim of I.D theft.

He's just called S now.

Astrid was a victim of ID theft

Now she has to go get a new one.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes