Laughter Victim Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity
What does a shark victim see before their end?
Fin.
I'm a victim of child a**...
Some kid in the park called me ugly
What was the victim of the car c**... wearing?
A Casualty
(Casual-Tee, as in Tee-Shirt)
100% Guraneed Originality
You can know for sure I made it up because of how corny it is...
A young burn victim gets new eyelids made from his f**...!
Doctors say he will be a little cockeyed.
A person runs into a police-station and shouts "Help - I've been graped!"
The desk-officer asked "Don't you mean r**...?"
The victim cried "No! there was a bunch of them!"
What do you call a burn victim in a wheelchair?
Hot wheels.
What did the vampire lizard say to his next victim?
Iguana s**... your blood!
How many Tumblr women does it take to change a light bulb?
I WILL NOT BE A VICTIM!
What did the victims of a month-delayed April Fool's prank feel?
Dismay.
If life was like middle school
Judge: In all my years on the bench, I have never seen a more despicable criminal. You robbed, assaulted, and tortured the victim simply for the thrill of it. Do you have anything to say before I sentence you?
Criminal: Nope
Judge: I hereby sentence you to forty years in a maximum security prison. I also sentence the victim to forty years in prison.
Victim: Wait- what? That doesn't make any sense! *He* attacked *me*!
Judge: I don't care who started it.
My friend Sid was a victim of ID theft.
Now he is known as S.
You can explore victim martyr reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean victim police dad jokes. There are also victim puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
'The victim was beaten with a porcelain angel figurine, suspect confirmed to be an Irishman'
'I guess you could say he was Knick-Knack p**... Whacked.'
I said some stubtly racist stuff to a magpie
She was a victim of my crow aggressions.
A man got arrested for assaulting someone with a defibrillator.
The victim said that he was gonna press charges.
Some day I have a victim mentality
But it's not my fault
A fight breaks out at a wedding....
A fight breaks out at a wedding. A man pulls out a gun and shoots his Grandad, Brother, and Uncle but there is only one victim. How is this possible?
The wedding was held in Alabama
"I am the young brother, let me through"
A man rushed to a gathering at an accident scene. Unable to see the victim because of the crowd the man said,"I am the young brother, let me through" The crowd looked at the man & paved the way silently.At the centre lay a donkey which had been hit by a car.
People tell me soup is better with flavor cubes.
But I don't put a lot of stock in that.
Because of it, though, I was the victim of a lot of boullion.
Did you heard about the cardiac arrest victim?
He was shocked when he survived
Why did the raisin go to the police?
Because, he was a grape victim.
When I found out the m**... dismembered the victim,
It really tore me into pieces.
My girlfriend was asked to step aside and frisked at the airport for resembling a Friends character.
I think she was a victim of Rachel profiling.
Coffee is the silent victim in our house...
It gets mugged every day.
A kidnapper and his victim are walking into a dark forest together
Kidnapper says "I don't know what your crying for I'm the one who has to walk back on my own"
My mate David was a victim of ID theft
Now we just call him Dav
My maid was a victim of ID theft...
Now she's my ma.
Great Mystery
Newsboy : "Great mystery! Fifty victims! Paper, mister ?"
Passerby : "Here boy, I'll take one" (After reading a moment) "Say, boy, there's nothing of the kind in this paper. Where is it ?"
Newsboy : "That's the mystery, sir. You're the fifty first victim".
Tom Cruise was carrying amphetamine when he was mugged.
When the ambulance arrived the paramedic examined Tom Cruise and determined he was winded by a swift knee to the solar plexus.
The police officer wrote in his file: "The victim, Tom Cruise, got kneed for speed."
Awesome Reporting of the Accident
A car was involved in an accident. As expected a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story, could not get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim. The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
A mugger pulls a knife and shouts "Your money or your life!"
The victim just shurgs, keeps walking and calls over his shoulder "I'm a postdoc, I don't have either."
Victim gets beat up, laptop stolen
But that's not the whole story so if you see "charged with battery" don't buy it!
Did you guys hear about the serial killer who's using smaller and smaller socks to strangle each new victim?
Be careful, they say he's still at large.
Two cops contacts with h**... via radio:
- Send in a team ... - What is situation? - The m**..., the victim is a man, 38 years old, his mother struck him with a knife several times for entering on the wet, just cleaned floor. - Did you arrest her? - No, the floor still wet.
How did the roman cannibal feel about his victim?
He was glad he ate her.
Holmes and Watson were investigating a m**... at an archaeological dig-site
Holmes picks up several of the rocks and pebbles surrounding the m**... victim. After a while, Holmes turns to his companion and says "I've cracked the case. The suspect was clearly murdered with a blow to the head by a rock, which then crumbled and scattered into pieces."
"How on Earth can you tell?" exclaims Watson.
"It's sedimentary, my dear Watson."
I am a victim of cyber bullying
Every day my bank emails me to notify me that my account is under the required threshold. I do not need reminders that I am poor.
Why did the cannibal separate the meat, blood, and skin of his victim?
So he could eat, drink, and be Mary.
I was told if I wanted to plan a m**..., I needed to take everything one step at a time...
So I pushed my victim down the stairs.
Of all the victims of Harvey....
....I think I feel the most sorry, for the children who had been praying for a swimming pool.
I just fell victim to a dad joke
Dad: What do you get when you cross a tuna, a piano, and glue.
Me: I don't know?
Dad: You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna.
Me: What about the glue?
Dad: I knew you would get stuck on that part.
Getting away with m**... is easy
What's the victim going to do?
Call the police?
David was a victim of ID theft
He's now known as Dav.
Comic: Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?
Victim: No. I have not heard about the new corduroy pillows.
Comic: Really? I find that very surprising because they are making headlines everywhere!
What's the integral of 1/(cabin)
A natural log cabin.
Wait, I forgot the C
It's a flood victim house
Michael J Fox is the next hollywood star accused of s**... assault.
His victim said "his hands were everywhere"
I know it might be a little late for Moore victim jokes
But really, they never get old.
My friend david was a victim of ID theft.
Now he's just Dav.
A pickpocket is a victim of a motorcycle hit-and-run.
A police officer comes to his aid.
"Do you remember his license plate?" he asks.
"No" says the pickpocket weakly, "but here's his wallet."
A r**... victim went to see a Psychotherapist. She left the building running and screaming before her session.
The sign on the door said;
Psycho
the
r**...
A doctor was treating a victim of a beating.
Doctor: How did this happen?
Patient: I was b**... my neighbor over her kitchen table when we hear the front door open.
She said "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every day.
Where did the vegetarian cannibal get caught eating his last victim?
The long term care ward
All the victims were deaf, dumb or blind...
...these are senseless killings.
What do you call a Mexican Carjacking Victim?
CarLoss.
1 in 20 people have been a victim of crime.
Which means 19 out of 20 people are criminals.
09:51 Arrive at the crime scene.
09:51 Find m**... victim.
09:51 Cordon off the area.
09:51 Start searching for m**... weapon.
09:51 Realise watch has stopped.
What did the homicidal inventor say to his last victim?
Time to DIY
Hi, my name is Dav
I am a victim of id theft.
Prince Phillip has finally apologised to the c**... victim saying he's deeply sorry...
Only took him 21 years
I work as a mortician, and recently had a case of an unidentified m**... victim who was killed in a bakery
I had to mark him down as a Jon dough.in the file.
Coffee is the most silent victim ever.
It gets mugged every day.
Govt. Statistics show that 35% of all school kids fall victim to online bullying and this can only mean 1 thing
65% of my emails aren't going out
How did they determine that the shark attack victim had dandruff?
...because all that washed up on the beach was his head and shoulders.
Did you hear about the shark attack victim that lost her left arm and left leg?
No? Well, she is all right now.
In a jungle, there are two cannibals eating a man
They ate their victim, one starting at the head and the other starting at the feet.
After a while, the cannibal who had started at the feet asked his friend, "How are you doing?"
"I'm having a ball!" came the reply.
"Slow down, you're eating too fast!"
Victim (after burglary): They stole everything from my house but the soap and towels.
Cop: Those dirty crooks.
Serial killer words of wisdom?
Never criticize a victim until you've walked a mile in their skin...
A lumberjack was being cross-examined during a m**... trial.
The defense lawyer, trying to discredit the lumberjack as a witness, asked him:
"Is it true you were working at night? How can you be sure that it was a pine tree that fell on the victim?"
The lumberjack replied confidently: "I know what I saw."
My friend has died after his trophy cabinet fell on him.
He was a victim of his own success.
The drowning man
A conservative and a liberal are walking along the beach when they see a man drowning a hundred feet off shore.
The conservative throws him a 50-foot rope and shouts to the victim "You provide the other fifty feet." The liberal throws the man a 200-foot rope ... and lets go of both ends.
my first day as a mugger [points gun]: gimme all your money!
**victim:** please, I have kids.
**me:** nah— I'd rather have the money.
ID theft is no joke.
My friend Sid was victim if it. He had to change his name to S.
Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub
Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad. Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well. Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, What a terrible pity…one of the girls must be dying.
Q: How many managers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. At least 4, plus a victim. One to hire the victim to screw it in for them, a second to supervise the victim, a third to start nit-picking about the way the bulb is being s**..., and a fourth to screw the victim by firing him. They take the credit though none of them actually touched the light bulb.
The nurse
A man walks into a bar, ends up getting into a horrible bar fight and is lying on the floor injured. "Don't worry," says the bartender, a Red Cross nurse is in the building and is coming to help you.' "Oh no," groans the victim, "couldn't I have a blonde, cheerful one?"
What did Dracula say to his victim?
I am vlad to have you.
Criminal suspect identification.
Police detective: 'What can you remember about your mugger?'
Victim: 'He was slim built, with dark hair and wore a cap.'
Police detective: 'Anything else you remember?'
Victim: 'He had a moustache, about 6 foot 2.'
Police detective: That's one h**... of a moustache
8:45 PM, Arrive at the crime scene
- 8:45 PM, Assess victim. Cause of death: strangulation, victim's phone and wallet are missing
- 8:45 PM, Gather evidence. No visible fingerprints, rope used to strangle the victim was found in a nearby trashcan
- 8:45 PM, Question witnesses. One witness states the m**... was driving away in a blue Ford Mondeo
- 8:45 PM, Realise watch is broken. Amazon estimates a 2-3 day wait for a new watch
My keyboard is a victim
It has been O-pressed
I suffer from crippling narcissism.
I'm a victim of it.
You all need to stop saying Jussie Smollett is not an actual victim.
His acting school clearly failed him.
Did you hear about the person who had no pronouns?
They were a victim of gender identity theft.
Mayonnaise
In 1912, the Titanic sank and everyone still talks about it to this day.
But only weeks after the incident, another ship fell victim to the harsh ocean. This was a large cargo ship that contains various products that were supposed to be delivered to Mexico, among them were sugar, coffee beans, but the bulk of the shipment comprised of mayonnaise. You see, Mexicans love mayonnaise. That's why when it happened on a sad day in May 5th, the whole mexican wept for the fallen sailors and the delicious products they were supposed to enjoy.
Since then, the day of mourning came to be: >!Sinko De Mayo!<
A serial killer goes on a killing spree
He then skins all the faces off his victim and puts them in giant scrapbook.
The scrapbook is then tied to a post which he erects on his front lawn. It is quite a gruesome sight to behold.
Naturally the police find him pretty easily.
When he gets to court though his case is thrown out by the judge.
When asked why he let a serial killer go, the judge replies: "If we arrested everyone for bad facebook posts, half the country would be in jail!".
(OC) A Killer Dies, And Meets His Victim In The Afterlife...
The killer stares awkwardly at the victim, the victim stares back. Unsure what to do, the killer finally says, "Well... This feels pretty tense."
The victim replies, "Oh, we're past tense."
Studies say most stabbings are committed by someone close to the victim.
Within arm's length, to be specific.
The most victimless crime is m**...
There is a victim less when your done
The perpetrator killed the victim by keeping him in a temperature chamber set to 1C
The sentence was first degree m**....
Cross-examination of a coroner
"Did you check the victim's pulse?"
"No, I did not."
"Did you check if the victim's breathing had stopped?"
"No, I did not."
"Did you check for any signs of brainwave activity?"
"No, I did not."
"Then how do you even know the victim is dead?"
"Well, his brain is in a jar on my desk right now, but for all I know he might be out practicing law somewhere."
What is the Reverse Excorcism?
It is when the d**... banishes the priest out of the non-minor victim.
Cannibal chief: What's your job?
Victim (already in cooking p**...): I'm a news editor.
Cannibal chief: Good news, you'll soon be editor-in-chief.
A stranger attacked me with 1 triple A energizer and sodium chloride.
I guess you could say I'm a victim of a salt and battery
Trial
A man charged with assault and battery insisted at his trial that he had just pushed his victim "a little bit". When he was pressured by the prosecutor to illustrate just how hard, the defendant approached the lawyer, slapped him in the face, grabbed him firmly by the lapels and flung him over the table.
He then faced judge and jury and calmly declared, "I would say it was about one-tenth that hard."
