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Vicar Jokes

22 vicar jokes and hilarious vicar puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about vicar that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Laugh along with some of the funniest and rudest vicar jokes, featuring popular characters like the Vicar of Dibley. Learn some jokes to share at clerical gatherings or to diffuse a tense moment in the rectory. Clergy of all denominations, from Protestant pastors to Islamic imams, are featured in these jokes.

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Funniest Vicar Short Jokes

Short vicar jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The vicar humour may include short church pastor jokes also.

  1. A Higgs-boson particle goes into a church. The vicar says, "We don't want your sort in here!"
    The Higgs-boson particle says
    "But you can't have mass without me!"
  2. Vicar: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T man and wife V W X Y Z Groom: Why did you say that?
    Vicar: Because I now pronounce u 'man and wife'
  3. I went to a Halloween party where everyone was dressed like a sore thumb Not me, no, I stuck out like a vicar.
  4. Police stopped two Vicars in their car and said to them, we are looking for a couple of child molesters, the Vicars looked at each other and says to the Police Officer. OK we will do it.
  5. Deep from the vaults of St. Giles Came a scream that resounded for miles.
    Said the Vicar, Good Gracious!
    Has Father Ignatius
    Forgotten the Bishop has piles!? .
  6. How to be Insulting in Church: Always try to be half a line ahead of the vicar, and always be as loud as you dare in the responses.
  7. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
  8. A man runs into a pub all out of breath and asks at the first table: "Guys, who's got a b**... fat dog with a white collar?"
    Nobody raises their hand.
    "Oh, s**..., so I ran over the vicar."
  9. Many were present at the f**... today of the oldest and unfunniest comedian. In tribute, the vicar read out one of his jokes, and the congregation had two minutes silence.

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Vicar One Liners

Which vicar one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with vicar? I can suggest the ones about preacher and pastor.

  1. Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest. For I have synonymed.
  2. Forgive me father, vicar, padre, priest. For I have synonymed.
  3. What do you call a Vicar on a motorbike? Rev
  4. A priest, a vicar and a rabbi are having a discussion about miracles...
  5. When there is some wine leftover from communion, it doesn't get wasted... The vicar does.
  6. What sounds does a vicar's gun make? Pew! Pew!
  7. Why did the man with no ears become a vicar? He was feeling holy.
  8. How did the Chinese Vicar introduce herself? By singing "I'm Asian Grace."
  9. What's worse than genocide? The vicar's garden party
  10. My son was baptised Times New Roman... I think the vicar used the wrong font.

Vicar joke, My son was baptised Times New Roman...

Howlingly Hilarious Vicar Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy

What funny jokes about vicar you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean priest jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make vicar pranks.

Winston goes to church

Winston goes to church and the vicar says "What's wrong my son?"
Winston says "I want you to pray for my hearing".
The vicar puts his hands on Winston's ears and prays hard for ten minutes.
"So how is your hearing?" asks the vicar.
"I don't know", says Winston, "it isn't until next Wednesday".

A Canadian visits a small church while on holiday in Scotland.

The Canadian is intrigued by the intricately carved pulpit and, being something of a history buff, would like to know more about it so approaches the little old vicar.
"Excuse me sir, would you be so kind as to tell me what the pulpit is made of?"
"Aye. Wood."
"You would?"
"Nay yew, is oak."
"Oak? Eh?"
"Glad to have helped."

A small village's pastor's bicycle was stolen

And he was discussing what to do with the choir master.
"I know, I'll do a sermon on the ten commandments, and when I get to 'thou shalt not steal', I'll pause and look everybody in the eye to see who looks guilty".
After church, the choir master asked the vicar if he'd worked out who the thief was?
"Well, as it happened, when I got to 'thou shalt not commit adultery', I remembered where I'd left it"

Mr Sugarbrown's daughter?

A little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say,"I'm Janey Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,"Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?" With her mother standing just a few feet away, the little girl replied, "I thought I was, but Mommy says I'm not."

John is playing golf with the vicar

He misses a three foot putt, and says "d**..., missed the buggar."
The vicar warns him "keep talking like that and God will open up the heavens and strike you dead with lightning."
John then misses a two foot putt, and repeats "d**..., missed the buggar."
Sure enough, God opens the heavens and sends down a lightning bolt, but it strikes the vicar and he falls over dead.
"d**..., missed the buggar." God says.

The Vicar's Salary

At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to
a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation.
No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Glasgow, stands up and
proclaims:
'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every
year, and his wife with a Volkswagen mini-van to transport their
children!'
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if
the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary
and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school
education for all of his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
'If the Vicar stays, I will give him free s**....'
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you
to say that?'
Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking
his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fuck him'.

Vicar joke, The Vicar's Salary