Veterans Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Why did the Romans pay their soldiers in salt?

So they would end up with seasoned veterans.

Paratrooper initiation

After a fresh batch of paratroopers complete their first jump, some veterans take them out for a few rounds.

They're swapping stories and an old timer says: "Man, I remember the first time I jumped. Made the mistake of being the last one in line. Finally it's my turn, and I look down and freeze. The drill instructor leans in right behind me says, 'son, either you jump right now or I'm going to fuck you in the ass."

The veteran looks off wistfully and takes a pull off his beer.

A first-timer says, "Well, did you jump?"

"A little at first."

Three war veterans were getting compensations...

Three war veterans were getting compensations for their years in the service. This time the compensation system was quite untraditional: they were told that they should choose two points from their bodies, and the distance (in cm) between them would be multiplied with 100 and converted into dollars. A licensed doctored was asked to do the official measuring.

The first man says: "Measure me from head to toe!" The doctor does as he is told and the first veteran, who was 183 cm tall, receives $18,300 and walks away happily.

The second veteran lifts his hand high up in the air and says: "Measure me from the tip of my finger to my toes!" He leaves over $23,000 richer.

The last veteran says: "Measure me from the tip of my penis to my balls." The doctor laughs and asks if he's certain about this. Confidently, the man pulls down his pants.

"My God!" gasps the doctor. "Where are you testicles?"

"In Vietnam."

What if 85% of Homeless veterans are 2LTs lost on a land navigation course?

A new recruit is sent to an outpost in the Jungle.

A new recruit is sent out in the jungle to a small outpost, where there are only a few other soldiers there, all of them experienced veterans. After a few weeks, the soldier begins to feel a little unsatisfied with his sex life, so he goes to ask the sergeant what he can do about it. The sergeant says, "Well, every Sunday, we go out into the jungle, find a bunch of female gorillas and have sex with them."

The recruit is disgusted, and refuses to join the sergeant and the rest of the soldiers on Sunday.
After a few more weeks, the recruit decides to finally join the rest of the soldiers on their trip to the gorillas, just to try it out. When they get there, all of the soldiers rush back in forth in order to grab a gorilla, leaving the recruit with only one.
Suddenly, all of the soldiers start laughing at him. Not quite knowing why, the recruit yells,"Im not the only one having sex with a Gorilla!"
The sergeant responds, "No, you just got the ugly one".

Three war veterans were having a beer at a port

They all had other nationalities; one was British, one was American and there was a German. They were having a chat in at a bar just close to the harbour 5 years after the war.

The Brit was telling about how good their motorcycles were. *we could drive almost 100 miles on one tank!*, said the Brit full of enthusiasm.
*That's nothing*, said the American. *Our Jeeps could drive 200 miles on one tank!*
The German was laughing out loud. *Why are you laughing? Tell us about your warmachines if you think they were better*, said the American disdainful.
At the same time a big Nazi submarine rose from the waters at the port. The submarines hatch opened and the captain appeared from the submarine and screamed out loud: *HEIL HITLER, WO KANN ICH HIER TANKEN! (WHERE CAN I REFUEL HERE!)"

How do cannibals prefer veterans?


A customer tools me this joke today.

You experienced veterans may have heard it before but I haven't so it made me laugh.

He took out some change in his pocket and showed me some pennies, one at a time.

1 penny: "Smell anything?... You should, it's a cent."
2 pennies: "See any fruit?... It's a pair."
3 pennies: "See any snakes?... There are 3 copperheads."
4 pennies: "See any cars?... There are 4 Lincolns."
5 pennies: "See any pussy?... No, not for 5 cents you won't."

So the army is forced to cut the pensions of some of their veterans...

In order to repay the veterans for their service they bring in three veterans. They tell the three that they will be reimbursed in money, in that each one can choose two points of their body, and the distance between the two will be how much money they receive.
Anyway, the first man goes and says, "I'll have my outstretched wingspan measured."
His wingspan is 160cm, so he is given $160.
The second man chooses the top of his head and his feet.
His height is 175cm, so he is given $175.
The third man steps up and says, "I'll have the distance from my right palm to my right index finger."
The military people first are confused, but then the man taking the measurements looks at his hand.
"Where's your right index finger, soldier?"
The veteran smiles and says, "Back where I lost it, in Vietnam."

I wrote this joke

Veterans day Bowe Bergdahl walks into an Applebees in his uniform.

Eats a hearty dinner, and is satisfied with it. Afterwards, the waitress comes over and asks. "Dessert sir?"

Bergdahl replies: "Already did"

Two elderly Russian veterans go to travel in the jungles of Congo

Two elderly Russian veterans go to travel in the jungles of Congo. They roam the jungle, singing vodka songs and hunting their own food for weeks, when suddenly a huge lion jumps on one of them out of nowhere, crushing the elderly Russian to the ground, vigorously biting off most of his vital organs one after the other. The other elderly veteran looks at him worriedly. "Vladimir, comrade, is this painful?"
Vladimir looks up from the lion's throat and replies:
"Only when I laugh"

Why wouldn't the dog attend the Veterans Day Parade?

There were too many vets.

Why don't veterans like Chevy?

Because they're "like Iraq"

What does a veterinarian eat for dinner?


Where do all the world war 1 veterans hang out?

In the Trench Club

I can't wait till next years veterans day:

for the ones that didn't get captured....

What are the funniest veterans jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Veterans? Well, here are the best Veterans puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Veterans pick up lines to share with friends.


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