Veteran Jokes
109 veteran jokes and hilarious veteran puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about veteran that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article is filled with veteran jokes from all time periods from WWII to present day. From dark and sarcastic to light-hearted and amusing, these jokes touch on various aspects of the veteran experience from platoons to NAM. Read on to get a chuckle and gain a greater understanding of the veteran life.
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Funniest Veteran Short Jokes
Short veteran jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The veteran humour may include short senior citizen jokes also.
- My dad says we shouldn't reward people with trophies for participation, because it's like a reward for losing. So I took his vietnam Veteran hat
- What do you call a soldier that's survived mustard gas and pepper spray? A seasoned veteran
- A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. What type of veteran is he? A seasoned veteran.
- Peter Mayhew will be reprising his role as Chewbacca in the next star wars movie! They said they wanted to cast the role to a veteran rather than a wookiee.
- Several of Hitlers Generals disappeared after the war, and became animal doctors. Because they were Veteran Aryans.
- Just been talking to an old guy, ex-soldier. He explained to me he had been exposed to mustard gas and pepper spray, it was nice chatting to a seasoned veteran.
- I once knew a soldier who suffered through both mustard gas and pepper spray. He was a seasoned veteran.
- Placing three armed veterans in each school will stop school shootings The shooter will see people with three arms and freak out.
- A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, And then Pepper Spray by the police, He's now a seasoned veteran. First time on this sub reddit so don't have a lot of experience
- What do you call a soldier who has been mustard gassed and pepper sprayed? A seasoned veteran.. I'm so sorry
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Veteran One Liners
Which veteran one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with veteran? I can suggest the ones about veterinarian and senior.
- I knew a guy who survived mustard gas and pepper spray He is now a seasoned veteran
- Did you hear about the soldier that got pepper sprayed? He's a seasoned veteran now.
- What do you call an Army Commander who is covered in pepper? A seasoned veteran
- My dad is a rugged ex-Marine with a salt-and-pepper beard... He's a seasoned veteran.
- What if 85% of Homeless veterans are 2LTs lost on a land navigation course?
- The military man survived mustard gas and pepper spray He's a seasoned veteran
- A Gingerbread Man Veteran …lost his legs in 'Nom
- What do you call a war hero covered in salt and pepper? A seasoned veteran.
- What do you call a salty ex-marine? A seasoned veteran.
- A guy survived pepper spray and mustard gas Now, he's a seasoned veteran
- How do cannibals prefer veterans? Seasoned.
- Person who fought in WWII hit with pepper spray... Now he is a seasoned veteran.
- (homemade) what did the frog do to the paper? Veteran dad here, no applause required.
- Why wouldn't the dog attend the Veterans Day Parade? There were too many vets.
- What do you call a 17 year old who has been mining his whole life? A Veteran Minor.
Old Veteran Jokes
Here is a list of funny old veteran jokes and even better old veteran puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What did the old war veteran say at Thanksgiving dinner? "'Nam 'nam 'nam 'nam."
- My dad, a vietnam veteran, told me that there's one thing that always sticks with kids and adults no matter how old they are. n**...
Military Veteran Jokes
Here is a list of funny military veteran jokes and even better military veteran puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I asked my veteran friend what the first ranking is in the military, but I couldn't get a straight answer. He just kept telling me it's private.
- I saw a veteran begging in the street which made me very upset But then I remembered I wasn't required to give the military quarters.
- After years in the Military After years in the Military, the soldier survived mustard gas and pepper spray and was proud to finally be able to call himself a seasoned veteran.
- Did you know there is a Hungry Hippo that was a US Military Veteran? Yeah! He fought in VietNOM-NOM-NOM-NOM-NOM
- What do you call a retired military member who has been showered in salt and pepper? A seasoned veteran.
- What do you call an ex-military white supremacist? A veteran-a**...
- I asked a blonde haired, blue eyed soldier what he wanted to do after the military... He said he just wants to get back home.
He wants to be a veteran a**....
Share Hilarious Veteran Jokes and Enjoy Unforgettable Laughter
What funny jokes about veteran you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean soldier jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make veteran pranks.
Did you hear about the man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray?
They say that he's a seasoned veteran.
Talking to women
A newlywed man was talking with an old war veteran about what to excpect in his upcoming marriage. After talking about several different topics the veteran turns to the newlywed and says the most complicated thing that you will come across in marriage is communication. Puzzled the newlywed askes why that is so. The veteran explains by saying that talking to a woman is a lot like walking in a minefield. You hope its clear but you never know when you are going to set her off.
On the day of Michael Jackson's death
The two paramedics arrive at Neverland Ranch to find Michael unconscious and not breathing.
The rookie says to the veteran "What should we try first?"
"I reckon the roller coaster."
A Russian World War II veteran
Is telling his grandchildren:
"So the Germans surrounded us, captured us, and told us, "You choose: either we b**...-f**... you, or we shoot you..."
"And what happened, grandpa?"
"The cursed n**... shot me to death."
Dough Boy
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.
He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.
The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and one in the oven.
The f**... was at 3:50 for 20 minutes.
An RAF vet is giving a talk about the war...
An RAF veteran is giving a talk to a class of school children, and was trying to explain what a typical mission would be like.
"So there I was, escorting the b**... to their target, when out of the blue we were attacked by a bunch of Fokkers. There were about 20 of these Fokkers. One took out my buddy, but I managed to shoot the Fokker down. Then one was on my tail and I coukdn't shake the Fokker, but my pal took care of him. Then I took out two more of the Fokkers..."
The teacher interupts "Children I should explain, the Fokker was a type of figher airplane used by the German Air Force to stop the RAF b**... and their escorts."
"Yes, but these Fokkers were Messerschmitts!"
An old veteran is sitting in a bar
A p**... looking for work approaches him. "Say old man, when was the last time you had s**...?"
The man responds "That must have been around 1958"
"1958?" exclaims the p**... "that's a mighty long time you haven't slept with a woman!"
"Is it?" replies the man, and looks at his watch "it's hardly 2045 right now!"
Falklands veteran
A British officer spotted a busker in the London Underground with a sign that read: "VETERAN SOLDIER OF THE FALKLANDS WAR." The officer thought, "Poor chap, I was there and it was awful!" Feeling sorry for a fellow veteran, he took £20 out of his wallet and gave it to the busker. The officer was then greeted with a hearty: "Gracias, Señor!"
Being a man of many flavors.
I survived mustard gas and pepper spray, yesterday I was honored a seasoned veteran.
Who took care of German army dogs after the war?
Veteran Aryans
A week before Memorial Day, kids bring pictures of veteran family members to school for show and tell.
First up was Mary. "My daddy served in Afghanistan. He was a paratrooper."
"A paratrooper?" Asked the teacher, who was awed.
"Yes, please look closer -- you can see his jump badge."
Second was Joe. "My granny served in Vietnam. She was a doctor."
"A doctor?" Asked the teacher, who was moved.
"Yeah, see? That's a stethoscope hanging around her neck."
Third was little Johnny, "This is my great grandpa. He was an electrician."
"An electrician?" Asked the teacher, who was perplexed.
"Yeah, here. You can see the two lightning bolts on his helmet"
I just read that a veteran policeman has been suspended from his job...
after being caught m**... and smoking w**... in his office.
No name was given but he was a high w**... officer.
In light of Germany's discovery of ISIS using mustard gas:
What do you call a soldier who's survived mustard gas and pepper spray?
A seasoned veteran.
A Bitter Army Veteran storms into a classroom and shouts "If it weren't for me you'd all be speaking German!"
"That's right" replies the German teacher.
Who does h**... call when his dog is sick?
A Veteran a**...
My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II...
Since my grandfather had served during the war, I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, "Did you ever kill anyone?"
He got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, "Probably. I was the cook."
Why did h**...'s SS soldiers love animals?
They were all veteran aryans
A soldier was assaulted with pepper spray and mustard gas.
He returned home a seasoned veteran.
What did the blonde haired, blue eyed soldier become when he left the army?
A veteran a**....
Anyone else hate their war veteran grandads at the dinner table?
I'm trying to eat dinner here grandad I don't care how many Jews you've killed!!!
Why do WWII n**... like pets so much?
Because they're veteran Aryans.
Did you hear about the retired soldier that got mustard gassed and pepper sprayed by the police?
He's now a seasoned veteran.
Not sure if this is a repost, one of my friends told me this
There was a father and son..
The father is a war veteran. He also has a prosthetic leg. One day, his son asks..
"Dad, did you ever get shot in the army?"
The father responds, "No, I got shot in the leggy"
What do pet doctors and n**...'s that are still alive have in common?
They're both Veteran Arians.
I asked my veteran grandfather what's the most disrespectful question that you can ask a vet?
Why didn't you become a real doctor?
Why are retired n**... so good with animals?
They're veteran Aryans.
The Deadliest Job in WW2
My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served in the Philippines during the war, I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, Did you ever kill anyone?
Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, Probably. I was the cook.
When I joined the army to fight the cannibals, I was a fresh recruit.
But by the end I was a seasoned veteran
What does an American ww2 veteran say when you ask him if he wants some tea?
Sherman tanks!
What did the veteran IRS agent say to the rookie?
Fined everything ok today?
My dad was a veteran from both ww1 and WW2
He even managed to kill h**....
A man walks the streets of London
He sees a begar with wooden leg and thinks: a criple, classic... But then he sees that he has a tag: Falkland veteran. The men remembers what was that about and tells himself: This man fought for me, when i was lying at home. So he gives the begar ten pounds.
And the begar answers: Gracias senor, gracias.
When I grow up I want to be a veterinarian then go into the army, and become a veteran so I can become...
A Vet Vet
A WWII veteran goes to a doctor's appointment
An old veteran sits down in the doctor's office for his check up. As usual, the doctor goes through the necessary questions.
"Okay," says the doc, "when's the last time you were s**... active?"
"1946," says the veteran.
"Oh. It's been a while, huh?"
The veteran shrugs and checks his watch. "Not really. It's only 2135."
A soldier was hit by mustard gas in war, and then pepper spray by a police officer.
He's now a seasoned veteran.
Foot Heads Arms Body
The army was deciding on how much weaponry should be provided to each unit and each soldier. For this, they set up a committee and the veteran General Samuel Foot was chosen to be the head of it.
The newspapers got wind of this and published it on the front page.
The headline was "Foot Heads Arms Body."
So, a young man was in demolitions training from a multi-campaign veteran. During drills he responded:
Okay, Boomer
The soldier who got assaulted by pepper spray and mustard gas in WW2...
... Is now a seasoned veteran.
My Grandfather survived Pepper spray and Mustard gas attacks in two wars..
..and came to us a seasoned Veteran.
Margaret Thatcher walks out of a restaurant and sees a man with a sign "Falklands veteran, please give generously".
She hands him a 20 pound bill, then He gives a big smile and says "Muchas Gracias Señora!".
What do you call it when a veteran nuts in a p**...?
Dishonorable discharge.
A Veterans Day Joke: If Donald Trump refuses to leave the White House...
They should just rename it Viet Nam and see how fast he leaves.
I'm getting one of the first covid shots
I got choosen to receive one of the first covid vaccines shots. Since I'm 78yo old Vietnam veteran. I said, "Can I get it in my left arm". They said sure. I said Well good, it got blown off in Vietnam in 68, can you bring me back my West Point ring while your over there.
Edit for grammar.
Did you hear about the soldier who was attacked with mustard gas and pepper spray?
He was a seasoned veteran
Why did the German soldier help the cat?
Because he was a veteran a**...
You hear about the soldier who survived both mustard gas and pepper spray?
He was a seasoned veteran.
How many veterans does it take to change a light bulb?
You don't know, man! *You weren't there!*
My Grandfather survived mustard gas and pepper spray attacks in the war.
We call him a seasoned veteran.
Here goes
A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He's now a seasoned veteran.
Did you hear about the soldier who snuck behind enemy lines disguised as a Christmas tree?
He was a decorated veteran.
Do you know what my uncle got for surviving the mustard gas and pepper spray attacks?
He got the seasoned veteran award.
What does "Secure the Building" mean to veterans?
If you're a veteran, I can tell what branch of the military you were in based on how you understand the phrase "secure the building."
If you were a Marine you think it means to hit the building with mortar and machine gun fire.
If you were in the Army you think it means to go from room to room clearing them of enemy combatants.
If you were in the Navy it means to turn out all the lights and lock the door.
If you were in the Air Force it means to take out a five year lease with an option to buy.
A woman noticed an old guy had his zipper down.
She pointed it out to him and he said "did ya see that tall soldier in there standing at full attention?"
She said, "No, but I saw an old veteran sitting on two duffle bags."
Jesus walks into a bar and says "who will buy me a beer" the guy with the 1 eye walks over and buys him a beer..Jesus raises his hand and touches the guys eye healing it instantly! he then asks for another beer..an old veteran paralyzed from the chest down rolls over to him and says
Ill buy your next beer Jesus..once again Jesus raises his hand to heal the veteran and the veteran screams
"NO JESUS DON'T!!!! IM ON THE DISABILITY BENEFIT!"
A disheveled man is busking on the side of the street in London with a sign that says Falklands War Veteran
A well-dressed man notices this and feels bad, having himself been a veteran of the British Army. He pities the busker and tells him, It must be a pity to serve your country and then come home to this. I served in the army, in fact, so I know what it's like. Maybe this will help you out. He then gives the man a rather large stack of cash.
The busker is overjoyed, and as the well-dressed man walks away, he tells him, ¡Muchas gracias, señor!
A new prisoner in the gulag is asked.....
"So how long are you in for?"
He replies, "Twenty years." The veteran prisoner is surprised: "Twenty?? What on earth could you have done?" The new man replies indignantly, "I did nothing, comrade! Honest!"
The veteran says, "But the sentence for doing nothing is only ten years."
