Veteran Jokes
102 veteran jokes and hilarious veteran puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about veteran that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article is filled with veteran jokes from all time periods from WWII to present day. From dark and sarcastic to light-hearted and amusing, these jokes touch on various aspects of the veteran experience from platoons to NAM. Read on to get a chuckle and gain a greater understanding of the veteran life.
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Funniest Veteran Short Jokes
Short veteran jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The veteran humour may include short senior citizen jokes also.
- My dad says we shouldn't reward people with trophies for participation, because it's like a reward for losing. So I took his vietnam Veteran hat
- What do you call a soldier that's survived mustard gas and pepper spray? A seasoned veteran
- Peter Mayhew will be reprising his role as Chewbacca in the next star wars movie! They said they wanted to cast the role to a veteran rather than a wookiee.
- Several of Hitlers Generals disappeared after the war, and became animal doctors. Because they were Veteran Aryans.
- Just been talking to an old guy, ex-soldier. He explained to me he had been exposed to mustard gas and pepper spray, it was nice chatting to a seasoned veteran.
- Placing three armed veterans in each school will stop school shootings The shooter will see people with three arms and freak out.
- I asked my veteran friend what the first ranking is in the military, but I couldn't get a straight answer. He just kept telling me it's private.
- Why did the Romans pay their soldiers in salt? So they would end up with seasoned veterans.
- I saw a veteran begging in the street which made me very upset But then I remembered I wasn't required to give the military quarters.
- Did you hear about the retired soldier that got mustard gassed and pepper sprayed by the police? He's now a seasoned veteran.
Not sure if this is a repost, one of my friends told me this
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Veteran One Liners
Which veteran one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with veteran? I can suggest the ones about veterinarian and senior.
- My dad is a rugged ex-Marine with a salt-and-pepper beard... He's a seasoned veteran.
- What if 85% of Homeless veterans are 2LTs lost on a land navigation course?
- A Gingerbread Man Veteran …lost his legs in 'Nom
- How do cannibals prefer veterans? Seasoned.
- (homemade) what did the frog do to the paper? Veteran dad here, no applause required.
- Why wouldn't the dog attend the Veterans Day Parade? There were too many vets.
- What do you call a 17 year old who has been mining his whole life? A Veteran Minor.
- Did you hear about a soldier who had his body painted? He's now a decorated veteran.
- What did the veteran IRS agent say to the rookie? Fined everything ok today?
- What does a veterinarian eat for dinner? Veterans
- Who took care of German army dogs after the war? Veteran Aryans
- Where do all the world war 1 veterans hang out? In the Trench Club
- I can't wait till next years veterans day: for the ones that didn't get captured....
- Why don't veterans like Chevy? Because they're "like Iraq"
- What is the Department of Veterans Affairs in China called? VAChina.
Old Veteran Jokes
Here is a list of funny old veteran jokes and even better old veteran puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What did the old war veteran say at Thanksgiving dinner? "'Nam 'nam 'nam 'nam."
Military Veteran Jokes
Here is a list of funny military veteran jokes and even better military veteran puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you know there is a Hungry Hippo that was a US Military Veteran? Yeah! He fought in VietNOM-NOM-NOM-NOM-NOM
Share Hilarious Veteran Jokes and Enjoy Unforgettable Laughter
What funny jokes about veteran you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean soldier jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make veteran pranks.
Talking to women
A newlywed man was talking with an old war veteran about what to excpect in his upcoming marriage. After talking about several different topics the veteran turns to the newlywed and says the most complicated thing that you will come across in marriage is communication. Puzzled the newlywed askes why that is so. The veteran explains by saying that talking to a woman is a lot like walking in a minefield. You hope its clear but you never know when you are going to set her off.
On the day of Michael Jackson's death
The two paramedics arrive at Neverland Ranch to find Michael unconscious and not breathing.
The rookie says to the veteran "What should we try first?"
"I reckon the roller coaster."
A man walks into a bar and orders two beers...
He then explained to the bartender "one of these beers is for me, and the other for my buddy that saved my live during the war who lives across the ocean." The bartender, honored by the veteran, gladly provides the beers and the man drinks them both.
Every Tuesday for fifty years this man would come to the same bar and order the two drinks. However, one night the man comes in, looking sad. He tells the bartender "Only one beer tonight please."
The bartender and the regular customers are shocked and saddened. The bartender brings him his drink and says "I'm sorry about your friend".
The man replies "Oh, my buddy is fine, I just converted to Mormanism."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Russian World War II veteran
Is telling his grandchildren:
"So the Germans surrounded us, captured us, and told us, "You choose: either we b**...-f**... you, or we shoot you..."
"And what happened, grandpa?"
"The cursed n**... shot me to death."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dough Boy
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.
He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.
The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and one in the oven.
The f**... was at 3:50 for 20 minutes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An RAF vet is giving a talk about the war...
An RAF veteran is giving a talk to a class of school children, and was trying to explain what a typical mission would be like.
"So there I was, escorting the b**... to their target, when out of the blue we were attacked by a bunch of Fokkers. There were about 20 of these Fokkers. One took out my buddy, but I managed to shoot the Fokker down. Then one was on my tail and I coukdn't shake the Fokker, but my pal took care of him. Then I took out two more of the Fokkers..."
The teacher interupts "Children I should explain, the Fokker was a type of figher airplane used by the German Air Force to stop the RAF b**... and their escorts."
"Yes, but these Fokkers were Messerschmitts!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old veteran is sitting in a bar
A p**... looking for work approaches him. "Say old man, when was the last time you had s**...?"
The man responds "That must have been around 1958"
"1958?" exclaims the p**... "that's a mighty long time you haven't slept with a woman!"
"Is it?" replies the man, and looks at his watch "it's hardly 2045 right now!"
Falklands veteran
A British officer spotted a busker in the London Underground with a sign that read: "VETERAN SOLDIER OF THE FALKLANDS WAR." The officer thought, "Poor chap, I was there and it was awful!" Feeling sorry for a fellow veteran, he took £20 out of his wallet and gave it to the busker. The officer was then greeted with a hearty: "Gracias, Señor!"
Being a man of many flavors.
I survived mustard gas and pepper spray, yesterday I was honored a seasoned veteran.
Interview with WW2 RAF veteran
I(nterviewer): Welcome to the Show, we're here to interview WW2 RAF veteran Johnson about his experience. Tell me, was flying for the RAF difficult?
J(ohnson): Most certainly. I can remember this time I did a reconnaissance and suddenly there's a German fokker behind me, one fokker in front of me and two fokkers to my right!
I: For our viewers who don't know, Fokker was a Dutch aircraft manufacturer which the Germans confiscated.
J: That might be, but those fokkers where flying Heinkels!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two elderly Russian veterans go to travel in the jungles of Congo
Two elderly Russian veterans go to travel in the jungles of Congo. They roam the jungle, singing v**... songs and hunting their own food for weeks, when suddenly a huge lion jumps on one of them out of nowhere, crushing the elderly Russian to the ground, vigorously biting off most of his vital organs one after the other. The other elderly veteran looks at him worriedly. "Vladimir, comrade, is this painful?"
Vladimir looks up from the lion's t**... and replies:
"Only when I laugh"
I dumb joke my grandfather learned when he was a prisoner of war.
In a German prison camp, there isn't much to do. A new prisoner shows up, his name is Bill. One of the veteran prisoners, Jack, introduces himself to Bill. They talk, and eventually Jack asks what the prisoners do for fun.
Then a soldier yells, "15!"
Everyone is laughing hysterically.
Then another prisoner yells, "3!"
The laughter is deafening.
Bill asks Jack why these guys are laughing. Jack says that have been using the same jokes for so long that they save time by just assigning numbers to them.
Then a soldier yells, "7!"
Every other prisoner groans.
"Why didn't they laugh at that one?"
"Some people just can't phrase 'em right."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why doesn't the veteran have a blow-up s**... doll?
Because of the flashbacks.
what lives in a box and needs air?
a U.S veteran.
[AMA Request] WWII Veteran who went kamikaze
A week before Memorial Day, kids bring pictures of veteran family members to school for show and tell.
First up was Mary. "My daddy served in Afghanistan. He was a paratrooper."
"A paratrooper?" Asked the teacher, who was awed.
"Yes, please look closer -- you can see his jump badge."
Second was Joe. "My granny served in Vietnam. She was a doctor."
"A doctor?" Asked the teacher, who was moved.
"Yeah, see? That's a stethoscope hanging around her neck."
Third was little Johnny, "This is my great grandpa. He was an electrician."
"An electrician?" Asked the teacher, who was perplexed.
"Yeah, here. You can see the two lightning bolts on his helmet"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Bitter Army Veteran storms into a classroom and shouts "If it weren't for me you'd all be speaking German!"
"That's right" replies the German teacher.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Who does h**... call when his dog is sick?
A Veteran a**...
A Afghan war veteran took a class in woman studies.
Now both men on horses and men on cows triggers his
PTSD
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My dad, a vietnam veteran, told me that there's one thing that always sticks with kids and adults no matter how old they are.
n**...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did h**...'s SS soldiers love animals?
They were all veteran aryans
What did the Japanese WWII veteran say to the American WWII veteran when he got passed the salt?
Sank you.
A retired soldier was assaulted.
Records show that he was a seasoned veteran.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does a Vietnam veteran with a lazy eye have?
A 2000 yard stare.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Forgive me for this one
A German soldier who loves animals can't decide what to do after WWII. His friend says, Otto, it's easy to figure out. You're a Veteran a**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the blonde haired, blue eyed soldier become when he left the army?
A veteran a**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I asked a blonde haired, blue eyed soldier what he wanted to do after the military...
He said he just wants to get back home.
He wants to be a veteran a**....
What do you call a basketball playing WW2 war veteran
Dunk-Kirk
Killed In Action
Said the elderly globetrotting veteran when I asked what kind of rental car he was driving. He'd never heard of Kia...
I asked my veteran grandfather what's the most disrespectful question that you can ask a vet?
Why didn't you become a real doctor?
War:
As the regiment moved out, the crowd cheered. One soldier asked another, "Who are all those cheering people?"
The veteran answered, "They're the ones who aren't going."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What happened to the Gay, Dyslexic Veteran?
He had flashbacks to when he was in viet man
By firing one of its most veteran journalists, NBC is sending a clear message…
*'Where In the World Is Matt Lauer?'* is going to be a lot harder this year.
The Deadliest Job in WW2
My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served in the Philippines during the war, I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, Did you ever kill anyone?
Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, Probably. I was the cook.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When I joined the army to fight the cannibals, I was a fresh recruit.
But by the end I was a seasoned veteran
What does an American ww2 veteran say when you ask him if he wants some tea?
Sherman tanks!
What do you call a veteran pornstar?
train'd professional
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the white police officer say to the black t**... gay married bisexual autistic handicapped veteran?
We won't know until the internal investigation is completed.
What do you call a veteran who sleeps in a bathroom stall?
A loo-tenant.
What do you call someone with experience in spices
A seasoned veteran
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My dad was a veteran from both ww1 and WW2
He even managed to kill h**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My son is in the navy and can't even swim
I, a Air Force veteran, spat on him in disgust and flew away
A man walks the streets of London
He sees a begar with wooden leg and thinks: a criple, classic... But then he sees that he has a tag: Falkland veteran. The men remembers what was that about and tells himself: This man fought for me, when i was lying at home. So he gives the begar ten pounds.
And the begar answers: Gracias senor, gracias.
When I grow up I want to be a veterinarian then go into the army, and become a veteran so I can become...
A Vet Vet
Your fly is open!
An army secretary was trying to be discreet with her boss when she saw his fly was open so she said excuse me sir but your Barack's door is open. He replied oh it is? Well do you see a soldier standing at attention? She responded No sir. I see a disable veteran sitting on two duffle bags.
Duck duck...
When I was a kid, I had this conversation with a retired Vietnam veteran:
I saw his display of medals and asked about each. They all came with stories that left me wide-eyed and speechless.
All except the last one. I pointed and asked "what about the one that looks like a heart?".
He chuckled in a gruff voice as if to start a 'back in my day' story.
"I goosed" he said, shaking his head.
I was confused. What? "I don't get it" I replied.
"Everyone one else was busy ducking, but I goosed and got shot."
Why do people talk about stepping on legos and not toy soldiers?
It's rude to dishonor a veteran
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A WWII veteran goes to a doctor's appointment
An old veteran sits down in the doctor's office for his check up. As usual, the doctor goes through the necessary questions.
"Okay," says the doc, "when's the last time you were s**... active?"
"1946," says the veteran.
"Oh. It's been a while, huh?"
The veteran shrugs and checks his watch. "Not really. It's only 2135."
Foot Heads Arms Body
The army was deciding on how much weaponry should be provided to each unit and each soldier. For this, they set up a committee and the veteran General Samuel Foot was chosen to be the head of it.
The newspapers got wind of this and published it on the front page.
The headline was "Foot Heads Arms Body."
A veteran walks into the bar
A veteran called Robert walks into the bar and grabs a drink. The man to his right begins a conversation. After an hour and many drinks pass by, they find out that they were both veterans from Vietnam.
Robert: I was only a helicopter mechanic, but I have seen all the horrors of that war.
The other veteran: Oh, I still have nightmares of all the people that I've killed. It's horrible!
Robert: I totally understand you, I've killed 15 men.
The other veteran: Wait, but you were only a helicopter mechanic...
Robert: Never said I was a good one...
So, a young man was in demolitions training from a multi-campaign veteran. During drills he responded:
Okay, Boomer
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Many veterans experience PTSD from the loud bangs of fireworks around holidays like 4th of July and New Years. My advice to them is to use noise-cancelling headphones, Netflix, and pharmaceutical-grade w**....
Just like the children of Kabul.
My Grandfather survived Pepper spray and Mustard gas attacks in two wars..
..and came to us a seasoned Veteran.
Margaret Thatcher walks out of a restaurant and sees a man with a sign "Falklands veteran, please give generously".
She hands him a 20 pound bill, then He gives a big smile and says "Muchas Gracias Señora!".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call it when a veteran nuts in a p**...?
Dishonorable discharge.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Veterans Day Joke: If Donald Trump refuses to leave the White House...
They should just rename it Viet Nam and see how fast he leaves.
I'm getting one of the first covid shots
I got choosen to receive one of the first covid vaccines shots. Since I'm 78yo old Vietnam veteran. I said, "Can I get it in my left arm". They said sure. I said Well good, it got blown off in Vietnam in 68, can you bring me back my West Point ring while your over there.
Edit for grammar.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the German soldier help the cat?
Because he was a veteran a**...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many veterans does it take to change a light bulb?
You don't know, man! *You weren't there!*
Did you hear about the soldier who snuck behind enemy lines disguised as a Christmas tree?
He was a decorated veteran.
Do you know what my uncle got for surviving the mustard gas and pepper spray attacks?
He got the seasoned veteran award.
What does "Secure the Building" mean to veterans?
If you're a veteran, I can tell what branch of the military you were in based on how you understand the phrase "secure the building."
If you were a Marine you think it means to hit the building with mortar and machine gun fire.
If you were in the Army you think it means to go from room to room clearing them of enemy combatants.
If you were in the Navy it means to turn out all the lights and lock the door.
If you were in the Air Force it means to take out a five year lease with an option to buy.
A woman noticed an old guy had his zipper down.
She pointed it out to him and he said "did ya see that tall soldier in there standing at full attention?"
She said, "No, but I saw an old veteran sitting on two duffle bags."
Jesus walks into a bar and says "who will buy me a beer" the guy with the 1 eye walks over and buys him a beer..Jesus raises his hand and touches the guys eye healing it instantly! he then asks for another beer..an old veteran paralyzed from the chest down rolls over to him and says
Ill buy your next beer Jesus..once again Jesus raises his hand to heal the veteran and the veteran screams
"NO JESUS DON'T!!!! IM ON THE DISABILITY BENEFIT!"
