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Vet Jokes

121 vet jokes and hilarious vet puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about vet that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Bring some comic relief to your next vet visit with these funny vet jokes. Perfect for a pet-owning family, these jokes range from equine vet humor to Halloween vet puns to cat vet jokes. Whether you're visiting the pet shop, taking your pet to check up, or celebrating a veteran, you'll be sure to bring a smile to your veterinarian's face with one of these jokes.

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Funniest Vet Short Jokes

Short vet jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The vet humour may include short veteran jokes also.

  1. How many vietnam Vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb? YOU DON'T KNOW! YOU WEREN'T THERE!
  2. My parrot was just diagnosed with an STD. Vet says he has Chirpees. He said there's no need for concern, because it's a Canarial disease, and it's tweetable.
  3. So, Schrödinger walks into a vet with his cat. The nurse takes the cat, goes into the room, and comes out 10 minutes later. "Sir, we have good news and bad news."
  4. I saw a car with a bumper sticker saying "I am a vet, therefore I can drive like an animal." Suddenly, I realized how many proctologists there are on the roads.
  5. The vet told me "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to put your dog down." "Oh God!" I said. "WHY?!"
    "Because my arms are getting tired."
  6. I took my goldfish to the vet. He's having seizures.
    The vet responded, He looks fine to me.
    Sure, I said, but wait until I get him out of the bowl.
  7. I took my dog to the vet The vet picked up the dog and examined him and said "I'm sorry, I've got to put him down".
    "Why, what's wrong with him?"
    "He's too heavy"
  8. Not quite what she was expecting... Guy: I work with animals every day!
    Girl: That's so sweet! Are you a vet or a pet shop own-
    Guy: I'm a butcher.
  9. A man takes his dog to the vet to be examined... The vet picks the dog up, looks it over, and then says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
    The man asks why.
    "He's heavy."
  10. The vet determined that my horse constantly imagines himself to be homeless. He has been declared mentally unstable.

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Vet One Liners

Which vet one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with vet? I can suggest the ones about checkup and cat.

  1. Schrodinger took his cat to the vet. The vet said, I have good news and bad news.
  2. First day as a vet Me: What seems to be the problem
    Cat: Meow
    Me: Yes, but where?
  3. My dog ate a whole bag of scrabble tiles. I took him to the vet. No word yet.
  4. What do you call a vet that can only work on one animal? A doctor
  5. I drove my daughter's hamster to the vet this morning. I'm getting rather good at golf
  6. Why did the vet turn away the injured sea animal? Do not accept if seal is broken.
  7. A cat walks into the vet and says, "Meow." The vet says, "Okay but where?"
  8. My dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. I left him at the vets. No word yet.
  9. What did the dog get at the vet? [FIXED]
  10. What kind of weapon does a seasoned vet use? A salt rifle.
  11. What did the dog say to the vet that just castrated him? No hard feelings.
  12. A zookeeper couldn't get his snakes to breed The vet said he had a reptile dysfunction
  13. What do you call a retired Marine in a Chevy sports car? A Corps vet in a Corvette.
  14. Why did the bodybuilder go to the vet? Because his pythons were sick
  15. What does a menopausal Vietnam vet suffer from? Hot flashbacks

Cat Vet Jokes

Here is a list of funny cat vet jokes and even better cat vet puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A Yorkshireman takes his cat to the vets He says: I've come to talk wi' thee about me cat.
    The vet replies: is it a tom?
    The Yorkshireman says: no, I've brought him here wi' me.
  • The vet said she will put the dog down. "But why?!" exclaimed the owner.
    "Because he's heavy." explained the dogtor.
    -taken from a cat calendar.
  • I was told by the vet that i had to put my cat down... So i went home to it and said "You're fat and lazy."
  • What did the vet say when Schrodinger went to pick up his cat? "I have good news and bad news..."
  • If it walks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck... ...You should probably take your cat to see the vet.
  • Took my cat to the vet the other day, he had an upset stomach. The vet asked me whats wrong with the cat,
    I told him he isnt "feline" very good.
    (Im sorry im advance)
  • As a bootleg vet, I get asked to turn cats into dogs it's a ruff job.
  • What do you call the tech. at the vets who has to give injections to cats? Claude.
  • My kitten kept trying to mount the neighbor's kitten So I took him to the vet to get cat-strated
  • What did the cat say to the vet? Me-Ow......
Vet joke, What did the cat say to the vet?

Comical Vet Jokes to Spread Joy and Laughter

What funny jokes about vet you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean ears jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make vet pranks.

Speaking of a big fat b**...!

A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet.
"My cat is very fat, she says.
"Alright," says the vet. "I will look at him."
The vet picks up the cat and examines its teeth. Then she looks at its eyes. Then into its ears.
Finally, she turns to the girl and says, I'm very sorry. I'm going to have to put your cat down."
"Oh no! Because he's so fat?"
"Yes, says the doctor. My arms are very tired."

A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet.

'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'.
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'.

My dad got fired for having s**... with one of his patients the other day.

Which is a shame because he was a really good vet.

My neighbor grew tired of being a taxidermist after 15 years, and went to veterinarian school.

His new business never got off the ground so he decided to operate both his taxidermy and vet business together to save money. His new slogan was: "No Matter What Happens - You Get Your Cat Back."

As he inserted the r**... thermometer [n**...]

As he inserted the r**... thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious e**...
"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.

Doctor, please help, my friend broke his leg.

Sorry, but I'm a vet, I specialize in horses.
Come on, please, it can't be that big of a difference?
Ok fine, just let me get my rifle from the car.

A family takes their sick dog to the vet.

The vet picks the dog up and studies him. Finally, the vet says "I'm really sorry but I'm gonna have to put him down."
"Why?", asks the shocked family. "What's wrong with him?"
"Nothing major", replied the vet. "He's just really heavy."

A man takes his dog to the vet...

The vet picks up the dog and looks at him. After a moment he turns to the man. "Sir," he says, "your dog is healthy but I'm afraid I'm going to have to put him down."
"Why?" the man demanded.
The vet replied, "Because he's heavy."

So a doctor has s**... with one of his patients...

And is feeling pretty down about it. On his left shoulder appears a devil. The devil consoles him saying "Hey man, don't even worry about it. Doctors have s**... with their patients all the time. You are definitely not the only one." Then on his right shoulder appears an angel who says "Come on man! You're a vet!!"

My cat is very fat

A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet. "My cat is very fat, she says. "Alright," says the vet. "I will look at him." The vet picks up the cat and examines its teeth. Then she looks at its eyes. Then into its ears. Finally, she turns to the girl and says, I'm very sorry. I'm going to have to put your cat down." "Oh no! Because he's so fat?" "Yes, says the doctor. My arms are very tired."

After seven years of medical training and hard work

my very good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion.
He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession.
What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

A German tourist jumped into a freezing river to save my dog.

After he climbed out, he said. "Here is ze dog, dry him off and keep him varm, he vill be fine."
I asked him, "Are you a vet?"

"Vet?" He said. "I'm b**... soaking."

A blond and a redhead are talking one afternoon.

Redhead - "So how was your weekend?"
Blond - "Not to good my cat got it's tail cut off by the lawn mower."
Redhead - "That's terrible! What did you do about it?"
Blond - "Well I got the cat and it's tail and took it to Walmart."
Redhead - "Why wouldnt you take the cat to the vet?"
Blond - "Well I heard that Walmart was the larger retailer in the country."
Credit goes to my mother for this one.

p**... the Irishman took his goldfish to the vet...

... and says to the vet,
"Doctor, my goldfish is very sick! I think he may have epilepsy."
The vet has a quick look at the fish, and after a few seconds he says, "Well, p**..., your fish looks fine."
p**... then replies, "Oh wait Doc, I haven't taken him out of the tank yet!"

SHAGGY: What did the vet say you have?

s**... DOO: Rabies.
SHAGGY: Zoinks. I didn't even know you could get pregnant.

A man sees his dog chew up and s**... a pencil

Concerned, he immediately phones the vet.
"Doctor, my dog just chewed up and swallowed my pencil! What should i do?"
"Hmm...that sounds serious. You better bring him to me. I'll see you within a half hour."
"Yes, doctor, but what should I do in the meantime?"
"Use a pen."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet...

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Okay,' says the vet. 'Let's have a look at him.' So he picks up the dog examines his eyes and checks his teeth. Finally he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' asks the man. 'No,' replies the vet. 'Because he's really, really heavy.'

After seven years of medical training and hard work, my very good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion and I think it's outrageous . He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession that he loves

What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

So a blonde girl takes her goldfish to the vet...

...and she says to the veterinarian, "Hey, I think my goldfish has epilepsy; it has these awful seizures!"
The veterinarian takes one look at the fish and replies, "Well, it looks alright to me."
The blonde replies angrily, "Well Jesus, let me get it out of the bowl first!"

Oh, you!

A man takes his beloved, but seemingly ill golden retriever to the vet when the owner hears the words that every pet owner dreads; "Sir, I'm afraid I'm going to have to put your dog down.". Distraught, the man breaks down and asks why, to which the vet replies "Because he's very heavy and my arms are getting tired."

An RAF vet is giving a talk about the war...

An RAF veteran is giving a talk to a class of school children, and was trying to explain what a typical mission would be like.
"So there I was, escorting the b**... to their target, when out of the blue we were attacked by a bunch of Fokkers. There were about 20 of these Fokkers. One took out my buddy, but I managed to shoot the Fokker down. Then one was on my tail and I coukdn't shake the Fokker, but my pal took care of him. Then I took out two more of the Fokkers..."
The teacher interupts "Children I should explain, the Fokker was a type of figher airplane used by the German Air Force to stop the RAF b**... and their escorts."
"Yes, but these Fokkers were Messerschmitts!"

Farmer tries to breed pigs

A farmer bought some breeding pigs, but after several weeks, not one was pregnant. He called the vet for help. "Why don't you try artificial insemination" said the vet.
The farmer didn't have an inkling of what artificial insemination was, but, not wanting to appear ignorant, he said, "Okay, Doc, but how will I know when the pigs are pregnant?"
"Easy. When they lie down and wallow in the mud." The farmer hung up and came to the conclusion that artificial insemination must mean that he has to impregnate those pigs himself.
So he loaded them onto his truck, drove them out into the woods, had s**... with each of them, brought them back to the farm, and then went to bed. The next morning he woke up and checked the pigs.
Since they were all still standing around, he concluded that his first attempt didn't take, so he loaded them into the truck again, drove them into the woods, had s**... with each of them, brought them back to the farm, and went to bed. The next morning he woke up and checked the pigs. They are still just standing around.
"Once more," he told himself, and loaded them onto the truck, drove them into the woods, had s**... with each of them, brought them back to the farm, and went to bed.
The next morning, he can't even lift himself off the bed. He asked his wife to see if the pigs are wallowing in the mud yet.
"Nope," she said. "They're all in the back of the truck and one of them is honking the horn!"

I saw a truck with a bumper sticker that said, I'm a vet so I drive like an animal…

I then realized how many proctologists there are on the road.

Well, I reckon you've been a pretty good horse, said the farmer….

You work hard and I ain't had to call the vet on you much. I only wish you pulled the plow a little faster."
"NO!" said the horse, "I said 'feedbag' not 'feedback'."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet…

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
Sick
"Can you have a look at him," he says,
"I think he's cross-eyed".
So the vet picks up the dog and examines him.
"I'm going to have to put him down," says the vet.
"Why, just because he's cross eyed?"
"No," says the vet, "because he's heavy!"

I decided to be n**... in front of my dog for the first time today. He didn't even notice.

I'm pretty sure the vet did, though.

Late Night Phone Call To The Vet

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbor`s male dog
while the neighbors were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds,
rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage,
as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet,
who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.
I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his e**...
and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked on me," he replied.

Dave was struggling with his parrot that was constantly using bad language, so he sought help from the vet.

Every time the bird swears," said the vet, "Put it in the freezer for 15 seconds.
Dave decided to follow the advice, and after trying it for the first time, found the parrot shivering and apologetic when he took it out of the freezer.
The bird said, "I'm sorry for all the bad language I've been using."
Dave was very surprised by the sudden transformation of his foul-mouthed bird.
Then the parrot said, By the way, what did the chicken do?

Bull

A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend, All that bull does is eat grass. Won't even look at a cow.
Take him to the vet, his friend suggested.
The next week, John is much happier. The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows! he told his pal. Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine!
What kind of pills were they? asked the friend.
I don't know, but they've got a peppermint taste.

A man takes his dog to a vet...

A man takes his dog to a vet because it has too much hair in its ears and is having trouble hearing. The vet suggests using nair hair removal cream to remove the large portion of hair from its ears.
So the man goes to a pharmacy and asks for some nair hair removal cream. Then at the counter, the pharmacist says, "ok if this is for your legs, don't wear any tight pants for a few days".
The man says, "its not for my legs".
The pharmacist then says, "ok if it's for your underarms, don't wear any tight shirts for a few days".
The man says, "its not for my underarms". The pharmacist then asks, "what is it for then?"
"It's for my schnauzer. "
Then don't ride your bike for a few days.

According to the vet, our dog is addicted to m**....

I hope it doesn't rub off on our children.

Woman can't get mating dogs apart

A woman had two dogs that she hadn't had fixed, but always kept them from mating. One night she wakes up at 2 AM to this terrible howling.
She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and is unable to separate them.
She called her vet ,who answered in a very grumpy voice.
After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his e**... and he will be able to withdraw.
Do you think that will work? she asked.
Just worked for me, he replied.

A doctor has s**... with a patient

A doctor has s**... with a patient. And the guilt is killing him, it goes against the ethics code every doctor swears by.
So one part of his brain tells him: "don't worry, you're not the first guy to sleep with a patient, and you definitely won't be the last. You're a bachelor too, it's fiiiine"
The other part of his brain says: "Bro, you're a vet"

A German lifesaver carries a dog that nearly drowned from the beach...

He plopped it down on the sand and did CPR, as the dog's owner watched nervously from aside.
The dog spat out water and stood up— the lifesaver saved it.
"Oh my goodness, thank you so much for saving my dog!" the owner said, "Are you a vet?"
"Vet? VET???" the German excalimed, "I'M LITERALLY SOAKING!"

Two dogs are at the vet talking.

Two dogs are at the vet talking.
Great Dane: So what are you here for?
Poodle: Well I've been wandering around the neighborhood too much lately looking for s**... so they're having me castrated, you?
Great Dane: My mistress does the housework n**..., she was bending over cleaning the vegetable draw in the fridge and I just couldn't help myself so I went for it.
Poodle: So you're here for castration too hey?
Great Dane: No, I'm here to get my claws trimmed.

I thought my dog looked a little cross-eyed...

I took my dog to the vet, as I noticed his eyes were strangely crossed. When I got to the office, I told the vet the problem with my dog. He picked up my dog and stared into his eyes for a while. Then he spoke up "I'm going to have to put your dog down." he said. "What? Just because he's cross-eyed?" I exclaimed. "No." the vet said "Because he's heavy!"

Doctors

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.
The doctor started to ask her the usual questions, about symptoms, when she interrupted him: Hey look, I'm a vet -- I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?
The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, and immediately wrote out a prescription handed it to her and said, There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down.

A little girl goes up to her mom and asks Why are you getting gray hair?

A little girl goes up to her mom and asks Why are you getting gray hair? The mother responds, well every time you do something that upsets me I vet a gray hair.
The girl thinks for a minute. Then says, wooow you must of really p**... off grandma.

A guy was at a bar

A guy was at the bar, staring into his beer. Thinking how could you do it. How could you sleep with one of your patients. He kept telling himself it doesn't matter. He finally told himself it doesn't matter your still the best vet in town.

Yesterday I saw a car with a boot sticker saying, I'm a vet, therefore I can drive like an animal.

It was at that moment that I suddenly realized just how many gynecologists there are on the roads.

Vets aren't doctors:

Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe I can help?
Mom: My son broke his leg!
Vet: Ok hang on. My rifle's in the truck.

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.

The doctor started asking her all the usual questions about her symptoms when she interrupted him, Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kinds of questions. I can tell what's wrong just by looking at them.
She smugly added "Why can't you?"
The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep.

Jim and Sarah were driving around the countryside

when they ran over a skunk. "We better take the skunk to the vet, Sarah. Just put the skunk between your legs to keep it warm." "But, Jim, what about the smell?" "Don't worry, the skunk will get used to it."

My parrots are stuck together...

Pet owner: Vet, vet, my parrots are stuck together!
Vet: I'm sorry, I don't understand - it's toucan fusing

I asked my veteran grandfather what's the most disrespectful question that you can ask a vet?

Why didn't you become a real doctor?

My grandfather was a World War 2 Vet

In a single day during the Battle of Britain he was responsible for the destruction of 8 German aircraft killing 32 German airmen.
Easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe had ever had.

A man has a wonderful Horse

It's a marvellous Horse, good looking and everything. But it also occasionally gets very dangerous and vicious.
Causes tons of trouble, breaks things, violent etc.
So he goes to the vet and asks what can I do with this horse
The vet says that's a very easy problem and I am glad to help you
The man says ok, so what should I do
The Vet says the next time your horse is behaving well, sell it

A parrot accidentally swallowed a viagara tablet and went berserk

He started h**... everything he could lay his wings on .
The owner called the vet who said that the overheating could damage his brain so asked him to put the parrot in a freezer.
The owner somehow caught the parrot and forced into the freezer and forced it shut.
After 10 mins, he slowly opened only to find the parrot sweating profusely.
The owner asked 'why are you sweating?'.
The parrot said ' Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?'

What's the worst part about accidentally using glue instead of l**...

Deciding whether to go to the hospital or the vet

I was concerned about my dogs weight so I took them to a vet

Turns out their just a little husky

I'm Devastated. After 7 years of medical training a good freind of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion.

He Slept with one of his patients. He was a really nice guy, and a Brillant Vet

A man took his dog to the vet thinking he was dead

The veterinarian placed the dog on a table and placed a cat upon the dog. The cat walked across the dog and veterinarian said, "yep, he is dead, that will $535." The man was outraged and asked "Why it is so much?", the vetanarian replied, "$35 for the office visit and $500 for the cat scan."

A dog wakes up at the vet

The dog asks "Where am I?" The vet answers "At the vet, you have just been neutered!"
The dog replies angrily "fight me!"
"you don't have the b**..."

Poor dog….

A man takes his rottweiler to the vet.
"Can you have a look at him he says,
I think he's cross-eyed"
So the vet picks up the dog
and examines him.
"I'm going to have to put him
down," says the vet.
"Why, just because he's cross eyed?"
"No, says the vet, "because he's heavy!"

My dog ate a string of Christmas lights.

The vet was able to remove them.
He said the dog was delighted.

Man runs over a skunk...

His wife yells at him to drive back to see if it's still alive...
So they drive back and truly, the skunk was still breathing, so the wife wants to take it to the vet. So she takes it to the car and asks her husband: "Where should I put it?"
The husband says: "I don't know... just hold it between your legs?"
Wife: "OK... but... what about the stench?"
Husband: "Oh, the stench?? Well, just cover it's snout..."

The good doctor

Dr. Jones was having mixed feeling after having i**... with a patient. One voice kept saying "follow your heart" another kept saying "remember, you're a vet"

A horse goes to the vet complaining about stomach pains.

After some tests, the vet confirms it's a parasite. He gives the horse a prescription and tells him to come back if the problem persists.
The horse looks at the prescription, and becomes visibly nervous. "A dewomer? Are you sure it's safe?"
"Positive," says the vet, "it's been tested on people."

Epilepsy

p**... goes to the vet with his goldfish. I think it's got epilepsy he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says It seems calm enough to me .
p**... says, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet.

Vet joke, Epilepsy

jokes about vet