venom Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious venom puns

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror...

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

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Boy scout: Sir, I found a snake, is it poisonous?

Me: No little one, this snake isn't poisonous at all

*Snake bites boy and boy immediately starts to spasm and foam at the mouth, leaving the other kids watching, horrified*

Me: However, this snake is venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time lads

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Two soldiers are walking through the desert...

And a scorpion crawls up on one of the Tim's leg and stings him right in the dick. Johnny calls the base and asks to talk with the medic. He tells him what happened to Tim and asks what the best course of action would be. Since the base is far away, the medic tells Johnny that he has to suck the venom out of the wound before it spreads. Tim asks: "What did the medic say?"
Johnny says: "He says you're gonna fucking die"

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Boy Scout: Sir, the lads and I found a snake. Is it poisonous?

Me: No, this snake is not poisonous at all.

* one of them picks up the snake, which bites him. He begins to spasm and foam at the mouth.*

Me: However, this snake is very venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time.

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No, that snake's not poisonous at all.

A boy scout says to his scout leader, Sir, is this snake poisonous?
The scout leader says, No, that snake's not poisonous at all.

So the boy picks up the snake which bites him, and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror.

The scout leader says, But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys.

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what the doctor says....

Bubba and Jimbob are in the swamp fishing when they scare a snake which bites Bubba on the tip of his penis.

Jimbob quickly calls his dr to see what to do. The dr tells Jimbob to lance the bite and suck out the venom. he goes back to Bubba with a worried look on his face...

Bubba asks him "quick... what did the doc say ?"

Jimbob looks him in the eye, and as a single tear escapes he says "doc says you're gonna die!"

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Two friends are hiking through the woods..

When a snake jumps up and bites one of the men on the penis.

Thinking quickly, the other man calls the doctor to explain the situation.

The doctor tells the man "Well the first thing you need to do is suck the venom out, or your friend will surely die."

The man thanks the doctor, hangs up, and looks to his friend.

"What'd the doctor say?" the bitten man asks, breathing heavily.

Looking his helpless friend in the eyes he replied "They said you're gonna die."

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So a soldier is bitten in his penis by a poisonous snake.

He is with just one comrade, far from any help. The comrade calls for instructions. The Lieutenant in Headquarters tells him that there is only one hope. He has to suck the wound for as long as needed till most venom is out. That should work and save his comrade. He hangs up and his wounded comrade looks at him expectant and asks "And?. What did he say?". He shakes his head and answers:

"Sorry, but the Lieutenant says, that you are going to die."

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A man gets bitten by a poisonous snake..

A man and his friend is walking in the desert when suddenly his friend is bit by a poisonous snake directly in the penis. The man says to his friend, "Don't worry I'll run into town and get help, I'll be right back!"


The man gets into town and finds the local doctor and asks "My friend was just bit by a poisonous snake, what do I do to save his life?!"


The doctor says, "Well you have to suck the venom out as quick as possible"


The man thanks the doctor and quickly rushes back to his friend.


His friend asks, "What did the doctor say!?"


The man said to his friend "You're going to die"

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My friend playing golf gets bit by a snake on his genitalia

I ran up to the clubhouse;
"My buddy got bitten by a venomous snake, how do I save him"

"You gotta suck out the venom, and quickly"
So I ran back to my friend,

"What'd he say? What'd he say?"

"You're gonna die..."

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What do you get when you remove the venom from a snake?

A belt.

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A boy scout points to a snake and asks his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?"

The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all."

So the boy picks up the snake which bites him, and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror.

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

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Son: Sir is this snake poisonous

Father: No son, this snake isn't poisonous at all.

*Snake bites boy and boy immediately starts to spasm and foam at the mouth, leaving the other children watching, horrified*

Father: However, this snake is venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time kids

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Ken and Josh, two good friends, are hiking up a mountain

Ken needs to take a piss, so he goes over to do his business. A snake slithers over and bites him on his manhood. Ken screams in pain and Josh runs down to the base camp to tell the medic. The medic explains that this type of snake has deadly venom and the only way Ken will survive is if Josh sucks the venom out. Josh runs back up to where Ken is writhing in pain. "What did the medic say?" Ken asks. Josh replies, "He says you're gonna die."

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Do you want to watch the movie "Venom", about Spider-Man's archenemy, before it hits theaters? Easy!

You just have to navigate the dark web...

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3 guys are camping in the desert, and one gets bit by a rattlesnake on the dick.

The other two friends run down to the next campsite where they saw some hippies earlier.
"You're gonna have to suck the venom out." A hippie tells them.
"Okay, we know what we have to do." One pal replies.
The two friends run back to their pal with the snakebite.
"What did they say!?" Snakebite screams.
"They said you're gonna die, dude."

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A group of guys are out camping

when one of the guys goes into the woods to take a pee. Out of nowhere a snake jumps up and bites him right on the penis!! So he yells to his friend "Quick! Run into town and ask the doctor what we should do!!!"

So his friend runs to town, and the doctor says "you have to peel back the skin around the bite, and suck the venom out". So he runs back to the campsite

the guy with the bite asks "What did the doctor say???"

"The doctor said you're gunna die mothafucka"

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All this talk about the new Venom trailer as got me thinking

Where is the Venom house?

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What do scorpions do in a race?

They venom.

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The Spitting Cobra's venom can make you go blind. What Swedish snake can help you see more clearly?

The Vindshield Viper!

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What is it called when Venom snake gets spotted doing something bad?

Getting caught red handed!

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What do you call a vegan who got bit by a snake and won't take the antidote?

*die hard with a venom*

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What kind of food does venom not eat

Eddie broccoli

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Removing a snake's venom is called "milking" the snake. So: How exactly do you milk snakes?

With a very low stool. (Hat tip to Roger Moore)

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What are the most funny Venom jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Venom? Well, here are the best Venom dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Venom pick up lines to share with friends.

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