Vendor Jokes
61 vendor jokes and hilarious vendor puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about vendor that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Vendor Short Jokes
Short vendor jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The vendor humour may include short merchant jokes also.
- Perfect on the spot SFW joke What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hotdog vendor?
Make me one with everything. - A guy with a whimpering faint voice orders an ice cream... Vendor asks: "Crushed nuts?"
Guy whimpers back: "No. Laryngitis." - Nineteen blondes go to the cinema... when the ticket vendor asked why there are so many of them they replied "the film said 18 or over".
- Quasi-modo walks up to an ice cream truck Quasi: Mr. Whippy with sprinkles please!
Vendor: Crushed nuts?
Quasi: No, bad back... - Old, but gold A woman goes to the market.
She says to the greengrocer: "I would like to purchase a cucumber"
The vendor answers: "Buy two, so you can eat one" - My crush: I like car chase action scenes. Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we're done here.
- What did the Buddha say to the hotdog vendor? "Make me one with everything."
Credits go to the Netflix show 'Maniac (S01E04)'. - Man goes to a burger stand and asks for an Oasis burger The vendor asks what an Oasis burger is. You get a roll with it.
- What did the government say to the contractor who thought they won the bid but complained when they found out otherwise? Did you just assume my vendor?
- The best perk of my job in Silicon valley is the always fully stocked fridge I just don't get why the vendor gave the food human names..oh well.
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Vendor One Liners
Which vendor one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with vendor? I can suggest the ones about dealer and seller.
- I got scammed by a market vendor in Cairo Egypt me
- Did you hear about the sketchy mushroom vendor? He has no Morels
- Crazy girls are like a street vendor's kebab Hot, jucy, and dangerous.
- What did the cheese vendor say to the robber? "Hey! That's nacho cheese!"
- Q: Why did was the Mexican fast food vendor arrested?
A: He was planning a tacover. - What do you call a food vendor at a baseball game played by priests? A confessions stand.
- Why doesn't the stone vendor value money? Because he takes it for granite.
- How do you know if a cocktail vendor is not worth their salt? There is no punch-line.
- What do you call a street vendor pastry chef going out of business? Custards last stand
- Went to the local meat vendor today I swear you never sausage a good deal
- Why did the hot dog vendor fail s**...-ed? He didn't know what condiment.
Vendor Jokes to Giggle and Enjoy A Night of Unforgettable Laughter
What funny jokes about vendor you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean provider jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make vendor pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
Buddhist Monk
So the buddhist pulls a gun out of his coat and the vendor says, "Whoa whoa whoa, what about inner peace?". The Buddhist responds "This is my inner piece".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A priest and a nun were visiting from Ireland to New York City one day...
And heard that in the US they eat dogs. The two decided that "when in Rome", so they took it upon themselves to find this cousine to sample. They were strolling through central park and heard someone yelling " dogs here, get yer dogs!" And found a hot dog cart vendor. They both ordered one each and sat down at a park bench to eat them. The nun unwrapped her dog first and took a look, then turned to the priest and asked, "which part of the dog did you get?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
X-ray Parrot
A street vendor claims that his pet parrot can tell the color of the p**... of the women walking by.
Three nuns come by and the parrot yells "yellow, white, green!"
The nuns are impressed.
The next day the parrot says "blue, orange, purple!!" and the nuns can't believe it.
The third day, they decide to throw a curve ball and not wear anything.
The parrot says "s**..., s**..., curly"
What did the Buddhist order from a hotdogs vendor? (and two other Buddhist jokes)
One with everything
What kind of vacuum cleaner did the Buddhist buy?
One with no attachments
What did the Buddhist eat for breakfast?
Omellete
[credit to my friend Geoff for first two]
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
God is a terrible vendor!
He created woman from a rib, but he never fixed the bugs or issued any updates!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
quick historical Russian joke from early 90's
Quick context - Soviet Union just collapsed and Moscow streets are full of desperate people trying to some money to survive. A dialogue between street meat vendor (V), and a potential customer (C):
***
C: Was this meat barking or meowing?
V: It was asking s**... questions.
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor...
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says "make me one with everything".
Sorry if this is a repost. Saw it on an IMDb movie discussion thread a while back, thought it was pretty good
What does the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."
The vendor makes him the hot dog and the Buddhist hands him a $20 bill. The vendor hands him his hot dog and then the Buddhist sits down at a nearby table to enjoy it. Soon after, to the Buddhist's dismay, he realizes the vendor hasn't been forthcoming with the rest of his money. He knows the hot dog couldn't have been $20, so the Buddhist approaches the vendor and says:
"Excuse me, where's my change?"
To which the vendor replies:
"Change comes only from within."
Two Scottish nuns
Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replied, "But if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it. "Two dogs, please," said one.
The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs'.
The mother superior was first to open hers, stared at it for a moment, then leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"
A buddhist goes to a hot dog stand and says...
"Make me one with everything."
When the guy hands him his hot dog, the monk pays and asks for his change.
The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."
Then the monk gets angry and pulls out his gun.
The vendor clamors "Whoa, whoa! What about inner peace?"
And the monk replies "this IS my inner piece."
Suddenly a bystander calls out. "I've called the cops! They'll be here any minute!"
The vendor, expecting the monk to flee the scene, is quite surprised to see that the monk makes no motion to leave, even as the sounds of police sirens fill the street.
"Aren't you going to run away?" he asks.
The monk shakes his head and replies, "Namaste."
A buddist monk recently became a street vendor
A passerby bought a $1 item from him and gave him a 50 dollar note.
The monk took the note and just sat down afte thanking him.
The guy got slightly angry when there was no change given and the monk answered
"change comes from within"
A man went to the movie..
A man went to the movie theater's ticket window a second time and said, "One more."
"For The Hobbit?" the ticket vendor asked.
"No," the man replied, "That's my girlfriend."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old woman walked into a s**... toy shop...
She wandered in the shop for a couple of minutes and finally she stopped and asked the vendor: How much is this one? He replied: Ma'am, that's a fire extinguisher.
Have you heard the one about the fruit vendor who traded to get a measurement device?
He gave a banana for a scale
Two nuns are out for a stroll...
... they happen by a produce stand with lots fresh-from-the-farm offerings.
The first nun says "Oh my, look at those cucumbers. They look great and they're huge!"
The second nun nods her head excitedly and asks: "How much are those cucumbers young man?"
"They're three for two dollars," he replies.
The nuns smile at the vendor, then at each other.
The first nun says "Well, I guess we'll have to *eat* one!"
Two men are walking through the desert
They've been walking for days and have run out of water. In the distance they see a small market place and run as fast as they can to the first stall. "Please" they beg "we've been walking through the desert for days, we need water."
The vendor replies "I'm sorry, all I have is custard, cake and jelly".
The men try the next stall, " We've been walking for days, do you have any water" the second vendor replies "I'm sorry, all I sell is custard, cake, and jelly".
Stall after stall, every vendor in the market tells them they have only custard, cake and jelly.
As the men leave the market one turns to the other and says " Well, that was a trifle bazaar."
A guy is hungry and is looking for something to eat.
He approaches a hot dog stand and asks, 'how much is a hot dog?'
'$3 for one and 3 for $10', replied the hotdog vendor
Surprised by this rate, he ponders a bit and says, 'In that case, I'll have one' and pays $3. Then he proceeds to order another one and pays $3 and then another one till he has three hot dogs and quips, 'You see, people like you will never succeed in any business. I just bought 3 hotdogs for $9'.
'Yeah, but... I just sold 3 hotdogs!'
What did the streetfood vendor say to the wholesaler,
when asked why the bread tasted old and dry?
"That's Naan of your business!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I just graded a social studies essay on capitalism
Dan, my brightest student, wrote a brilliant essay about how wages and labor are balanced to ensure that a vendor sells his product at a competitive price. I gave him A marks.
Emily wrote an essay that touched upon the fundamentals, but didn't really explain the concepts with the quality and depth I was looking for. I gave her B marks.
Sasha wrote an paper on why capitalism is a disgusting byproduct of greedy fascists who seek to control the population. Needless to say, I gave him Karl Marx.
Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they'd never seen before. Each bought one. The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."
"Why not?" "I took one bite and went blind for half a minute !!"
What do you call it when a kitchen appliance salesman gets into a minor vehicular accident?
A blender vendor in a fender bender
An alien walks into a human brain shop
Vendor: Welcome, unfortunately we are very limited on brains right now and there are only 2 available.
Alien: I'll take a look.
Vendor: Well, here's the brain of Albert Einstein. He was very intelligent and was the reason behind much of human science. This is priced at $2. Here is the brain of someone who has watched every single "Keeping up with the Kardashians" episodes ever. It's listed at $200.
Alien: Woah, you're trying to rip me off. Why is the brain of someone that dumb worth so much?
Vendor: Simple, because this brain hasn't been used before.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Pravda
In 1996, after Pravda ceased publication, a Russian man goes to a newspaper vendor.
Man: Give me a copy of Pravda, please.
Vendor: I'm sorry. Pravda has shut down. It's no longer available.
The man nods and leaves. A few minutes later he returns.
Man: I want to buy a copy of Pravda.
Vendor: I told you. It's no longer published.
Man goes away.
Ten minutes longer he returns and again asks for a copy of Pravda.
Vendor: Mister, are you hard of hearing or s**...? I told you twice that this newspaper has ceased publication! Now get lost!
Man: I'm neither s**... nor hard of hearing. The fact is, I'm so happy to hear that there's no Pravda now that I want to hear it again and again, and again!
There was a vendor in the area that sold delicious fruit smoothies.
One day the man disappeared.
So did the punchline.
A couple is buying popcorn at the concession stand in the cinema...
Vendor: Do you want your popcorn sweet or salty?
Guy looks lovingly at his girlfriend and says: I want my popcorn like my girlfriend
Vendor: Dude, we don't sell ugly popcorn
A policeman walks by a street vendor
Policeman: What are you selling?
Vendor: Apple seeds... $5 a pop!
Policeman: What???Why would anyone want to eat apple seed?
Vendor: They make you smarter!
Policeman: OK, give me one (swallows it)... wait a minute? For $5 I could have bought a pound of apples and got myself at least 20 seeds!
Vendor: See!!! You're smarter already!
Policeman: WOW, you're right... Give me two more, quick!
A guy was buying mangoes at a junction from a street vendor and while waiting for his change he saw an old woman and a little girl.
The little girl was walking a bit faster than the old woman which made the old woman shouting; " Degree wait for me". The guy was astonished after hearing such an unusual name. So to satisfy his curiosity he walked closer to the old woman and asked; "Mam, why do you call your granddaughter Degree?"
The old woman laughed and said; " I sent her mother to university for education and this is what she brought home."
Double punchline Buddhist joke.
A Buddhist monk is walking through New York and sees a hot dog cart, he walks up and the vendor asks him what he wants. The monk replies:
Make me one with everything.
The vendor obliges and after handing over the hot dog tells him his total is $3.50. The monk gets out $5 and hands it over, the vendor pockets the money and motions for the next customer; the Buddhist asks why he hasn't gotten any change.
Change must come from within. Replies the vendor.
Somebody may have posted these punchlines before but I doubt ever together, besides; that was zen, this is tao.
Train
Cassie was taking two of her grandsons on their very first train ride from Dayton, Ohio to Washington, DC. A vendor came down the corridor selling Pop Rocks, something neither had ever seen before. Cassie bought each one a bag. The first one eagerly tore open the bag and popped one into his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his brother and said: "I wouldn't eat that if I were you. " "Why not? " replied the curious brother "I took one bite and went blind for half a minute. "
A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says: "Make me one with everything."
After a brief chuckle, the vendor makes the hot dog and gives it to the monk, saying "That will be $4 please". After the monk hands over a $10 bill, he finds himself waiting uncomfortably while the vendor does nothing except stare back at him.
Awkwardly the monk asks "What about my change?" "Ah," replies the hot dog vendor, "Change must come from within."
