Vending Machine Jokes
84 vending machine jokes and hilarious vending machine puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about vending machine that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Vending Machine Short Jokes
Short vending machine jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The vending machine humour may include short vending jokes also.
- Vending machines kill more people than sharks. I've never even seen a shark use a vending machine.
- What do Monica Lewinsky and a vending machine have in common? Both say Please insert Bill.
- U.S. vending machines to begin displaying calorie information to encourage smarter snack choices. Machines' reflective glass surface not doing the trick.
- A latino goes to a vending machine He gets a soda for 75c. He puts in 65c. The machine says "dime", so he whispers quiero una pepsi porfavor
- Pregnant lady's food stuck in vending machine Her: My food is stuck in the vending machine, can you help? I'm pregnant and I need to eat!
Me: You sure do! - I tried to buy something from a perfume vending machine, but it was broken. It just had a sign on it that said "Out of Odor".
- Someone misprogrammed the vending machine at work It says "Ice Could" instead of "Ice Cold". My first thought was, "Should it, though?"
- At the gym ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine *
Right over there. - Did you know sharks kill more people than vending machines? I don't think a shark has ever killed a vending machine.
- Whats the dofference between congress and a vending machine One accepts change but doesn't give dollars, one accepts dollars but doesn't give change
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Vending Machine One Liners
Which vending machine one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with vending machine? I can suggest the ones about slot machine and sewing machine.
- I wish our Congress was made up of vending machines So they would accept change
- My favorite machine at the gym? The vending machine.
- A vending machine fell on me today Luckily it only had soft drinks
- What's black and steals your change? Vending machines.
- Why did the soda can quit its job at the vending machine? It was soda pressing.
- Why did the football coach break into the vending machine? To get his quarterback.
- Change is inevitable... Except from a vending machine.
- My Kit-Kat bar got stuck in the vending machine at work... ...gimme a break...
- Did you hear about the guy that the vending machine fell onto? Hes sodapressed.
- I tried to buy some purfume from a vending machine, But it was out of odour
- Tomorrow is a big day for me at work. They are refilling the snack vending machine.
- Why is a NFL Draft better than a vending machine? You get a Quarterback.
- Did you fall from a vending machine? Cause it looks like you accept quarters.
- Vending machines are like arseholes I got my arm stuck in one once.
- [Pick Up-Line] Did it hurt when you fell from a vending machine? Cus you a snack
![Vending Machine joke, [Pick Up-Line] Did it hurt when you fell from a vending machine?](/images/jokes/vending-machine-jokes-a-really-sad-man-committed-suicide-by-crushing-him.jpg "Vending Machine joke, [Pick Up-Line] Did it hurt when you fell from a vending machine?")
Hilarious Fun Vending Machine Jokes That Will Have You Rolling with Laughter
What funny jokes about vending machine you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean laundry machine jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make vending machine pranks.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had two Kit Kats fall out of a vending machine.
He raised a pretty good question, actually.
A man and his soon-to-be ex wife were fighting in court over the custody of their young girl. Asked by the judge to present an argument in his favor, the man says: "Well, your Honour, if you slide a coin into a vending machine and a snack comes out, is the snack yours, or the machine's?"
Custody Case
A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.
After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?" 😂
Mr. Holmes gets into a car accident...
He arrives at the emergency room but there's a fair wait. So he get's some tea from the vending machine and it's quite good. Once his time comes he's brought in and admitted to a room. He's then brought a meal from the kitchen and soon calls in the nurse.
"Nurse, I can't drink this horrid tea!" he says.
"Well what do you want from me?" she asks.
"MORE E.R. TEA!!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Nuns see a n**... man statue in the park!
So the man is about to have s**... with his lady, he's n**... and ready to go, when his lady says she has to have bubblegum. So he runs out b**...-n**... thru the park at night to the store, buys the gum, and is headed back thru the park when he sees three nuns coming. So he just stands on the side of the walkway like a statue, thinking the nuns will just walk on by. Well, the first nun walks up and says, "Look a vending machine!", and pulls on the handle. The man opens his left hand and she says, "I got gum!". The second nun pulls the handle, the man opens his right hand, and she says, "I got change!". The third nun pulls on the handle and says, "I GOT HANDCREAM!!!".
(this is an old joke I heard a long time ago, I don't know its origin or author, I just thought I would share.) ~Skip
Why are most rappers afraid of vending machines?
Because eminem's in there
(Sorry, it works better when it's spoken)
The custody battle
A Man and his wife are in court getting a divorce. The problem was who should get
custody of the child. The wife jumped up and said: "Your Honour!I carried the child for
nine months and brought the child into the world with pain and labour.She should be in my
custody". The judge turns to the husband and says:"What do you have to say in your defence?"
The man sat for a while contemplating. Then slowly rose. "Your Honour! If I put money in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, Whose Coke is it, the machine's or mine?" "You", My Lord, in whose favor will you rule? the man or the woman?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Vending machines are so homophobic
Like, I'm sorry my dollar bill wasn't straight enough for you.
I saw a guy struggling with the frozen vending machine trying to get some ice cream.
Really paralleled my attempts to reach my ex-girlfriend's heart.
The Greek Legal System
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Greece, but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"
A new vending machine opened up at isis headquarters today...
It was called the allahu snackbar.
A vending machine...
A vending machine that doesn't take coins...
Makes no cents.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
[One Liner] You can't blame vending machines for killing more people than sharks...
Imagine if people were pushing YOUR b**... all the time.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Whats the difference between a Jew and a vending machine?
What's the difference between a Jew and a vending machine?
Vending machines give you your change back.
Why are parents concerned about school vending machines?
Kids may be exposed to packages of nutty orange crackers.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A really sad man committed s**... by crushing himself with a vending machine
He was soda pressed.
What's the difference between a feminist and a vending machine?
A vending machine can make money and produce change.
Did you hear that the vending machine lifting bodybuilder's dog passed away?
It was Soda Pressing. :(
During a custody battle...
A mother and father are sitting with a judge during a custody battle
Mom: Sir, I went through hours of pain and suffering to bring my daughter into this world. I should have full custody.
Judge: Do you have anything to say in your defense?
Father: When you put money into a vending machine and a Coke comes out, who does the coke belong to. You or the vending machine?
Why don't vending machines accept pennies?
Because it only makes cents
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was at the swimming centre with my son. I said, "Use your legs, come on. Keep k**.... Your arms are doing all the work."
His chocolate bar got stuck in the vending machine.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the graffiti on the side of the c**... vending machine say?
"Worst bubblegum I've ever tasted, but oh what bubbles!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... WITH A p**...
Bragging to me you had s**... with a p**... is like bragging that you got some chips from a vending machine.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child...
The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"
The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"
Why can't the Toronto Raptors buy gatorades from the vending machine in their dressing room?
Because they always come up empty on the 4th quarter.
The Cleveland Browns gave me change for a vending machine and I still haven't repaid them...
They are really persistent about getting their quarterback
I've been going to the gym everyday, but not losing weight. I think the machine is not working well..
Apparently hitting 50 reps at the vending machine aint gonna help.
A Hispanic man goes to a vending machine...
A Hispanic man goes to a vending machine and puts in 40 cents. The machine displays "DIME" on the screen. The man gets close to the machine and whispers, "Yo quiero Pepsi"
What did the detective conclude at the end of the vending machine vandalism case?
It was out of Sprite.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man and his ex-wife are negotiating child custody
The judge first asks the ex-wife to give him a reason why she should get the child.
**"Your honour, naturally, since I had to go through excruciating pain to bring this child into the world, I should get to keep the child."**
The judge is almost convinced but has to see the man's side first. The judge asks the man why he should receive custody of the child. The man thinks long and hard. Finally, he speaks up:
**"Your honour, if you went to a vending machine and put in a dollar and got a Coke, whose drink is it?"**
I wanted to buy a drink from a vending machine, but there was a guy in front of me.
I tried to wait my turn patiently, but he just kept buying soda. I stood there for a while just watching him put in some money and take his drink, over and over until he had a whole bag of soda cans. He showed no signs of stopping, so I asked him, "Why do you keep doing that? Are you ever going to give anyone else a turn?"
He smirked and replied, "You're just jealous because I've won every time!"
With $1 you can buy one candy bar from a vending machine...
But with $2 you can buy a brick and get everything, from every vending machine!
I tried to stuff a football into the coin slot on the vending machine...
It just gave me my quarterback.
[Pickup Line] Is your dad a dollar bill? Is your mom a vending machine?
Cause you be lookin like a snack today!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Women are like vending machines...
... give them a little money, push the right b**..., and you'll get whatever you want.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Your mom is like a vending machine.
You have to pay her to give it up.
What do Battleship, vending machines, explosives, and a cross-eyed seeing two people have in common?
C4
What do vending machines, explosives and a cross-eyed seeing two people have in common?
C4, and there's a chance someone might get hurt.
I found a security flaw in vending machines that lets me get free products. If I report it will I get a Bounty?
Why do tennis players love vending machines?
Because they don't have to wait to for their food to be served.
An old Businessman and his young Model ex-wife
were fighting over the custody of their 3-year-old son.
The young mother protested that since she brought the kid into this world,
she had a natural right to the custody of him.
The judge asked the businessman to explain his side of the case.
After a long moment of silence, the old businessman rose from his chair and said,
"Judge, when I put money into a Vending Machine and a Snickers Bar comes out,
does it belong to me or the machine?"
A guy walks up to a musician...
"You ok?" He asks?
"Yeah." The musician responds, "Just thirsty."
"There's a vending machine with some water over there if you need it."
"Yeah I tried it... It only accepts ones."
The musician opens a suitcase next to him, revealing a saxophone.
"I only got a tenor on me."
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Greece; but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied:
"Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"
..... HE WON !!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In a libertarian society, would there be vending machines selling h**... on the sidewalk right outside of elementary schools?
Of course not! For starters, there wouldn't be any sidewalks.
