Vending Jokes
86 vending jokes and hilarious vending puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about vending that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This hilarious article offers up jokes related to vending machines! You'll find jokes designed to make young people in custody laugh, as well as a few presents to give away. Find the best jokes to brighten up any vending machine situation.
Funniest Vending Short Jokes
Short vending jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The vending humour may include short cafeteria jokes also.
- Vending machines kill more people than sharks. I've never even seen a shark use a vending machine.
- Vending machines kill more people every year than sharks Obviously, how's a vending machine going to kill a shark?
- What do Monica Lewinsky and a vending machine have in common? Both say Please insert Bill.
- U.S. vending machines to begin displaying calorie information to encourage smarter snack choices. Machines' reflective glass surface not doing the trick.
- A latino goes to a vending machine He gets a soda for 75c. He puts in 65c. The machine says "dime", so he whispers quiero una pepsi porfavor
- Pregnant lady's food stuck in vending machine Her: My food is stuck in the vending machine, can you help? I'm pregnant and I need to eat!
Me: You sure do! - I tried to buy something from a perfume vending machine, but it was broken. It just had a sign on it that said "Out of Odor".
- Vending machines are so homophobic Like, I'm sorry my dollar bill wasn't straight enough for you.
- Falling vending machines kill more people per year than sharks. I've never even seen a shark near a vending machine.
- Someone misprogrammed the vending machine at work It says "Ice Could" instead of "Ice Cold". My first thought was, "Should it, though?"
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Vending One Liners
Which vending one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with vending? I can suggest the ones about advertising and merchandise.
- I wish our Congress was made up of vending machines So they would accept change
- My favorite machine at the gym? The vending machine.
- A vending machine fell on me today Luckily it only had soft drinks
- What's black and steals your change? Vending machines.
- Why did the soda can quit its job at the vending machine? It was soda pressing.
- Why did the football coach break into the vending machine? To get his quarterback.
- What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine? I want my quarterback!
- Change is inevitable... Except from a vending machine.
- What's the best machine at the gym? The vending machine.
- My Kit-Kat bar got stuck in the vending machine at work... ...gimme a break...
- A French joke Q: Comment s'appelle un chien qui vend des médicaments?
A: Un pharmachien - Did you hear about the guy that the vending machine fell onto? Hes sodapressed.
- I tried to buy some purfume from a vending machine, But it was out of odour
- Tomorrow is a big day for me at work. They are refilling the snack vending machine.
- How is Monica Lewinsky like a vending machine? They both say, "Insert Bill here"
Vending Machine Jokes
Here is a list of funny vending machine jokes and even better vending machine puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- At the gym ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine *
Right over there. - Did you know sharks kill more people than vending machines? I don't think a shark has ever killed a vending machine.
- Whats the dofference between congress and a vending machine One accepts change but doesn't give dollars, one accepts dollars but doesn't give change
- Why do tennis players love vending machines? Because they don't have to wait to for their food to be served.
- Whats the difference between a Jew and a vending machine? What's the difference between a Jew and a vending machine?
Vending machines give you your change back. - Why are most rappers afraid of vending machines? Because eminem's in there
(Sorry, it works better when it's spoken) - What's the difference between a feminist and a vending machine? A vending machine can make money and produce change.
- I saw a guy struggling with the frozen vending machine trying to get some ice cream. Really paralleled my attempts to reach my ex-girlfriend's heart.
- What do Battleship, vending machines, explosives, and a cross-eyed seeing two people have in common? C4
- What did the detective conclude at the end of the vending machine vandalism case? It was out of Sprite.

Hilarious Vending Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about vending you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean vendor jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make vending pranks.
He raised a pretty good question, actually.
A man and his soon-to-be ex wife were fighting in court over the custody of their young girl. Asked by the judge to present an argument in his favor, the man says: "Well, your Honour, if you slide a coin into a vending machine and a snack comes out, is the snack yours, or the machine's?"
Mr. Holmes gets into a car accident...
He arrives at the emergency room but there's a fair wait. So he get's some tea from the vending machine and it's quite good. Once his time comes he's brought in and admitted to a room. He's then brought a meal from the kitchen and soon calls in the nurse.
"Nurse, I can't drink this horrid tea!" he says.
"Well what do you want from me?" she asks.
"MORE E.R. TEA!!"
Flower Salesman Arrested
Local Chinese man Chen Yu stopped a Catholic monk from selling flowers tonight in Downton Dallas. The monk was detained for not having a vending license. The monk will be fined $300 and Yu has been awarded for his efforts. At the end of the day, only Yu can prevent Florist Friars.
a couple is going through a divorce
The mom makes a big fuss, saying she absolutely HAS to keep the son. The dad asks "Why?"
"Because I gave birth to him!"
The man thinks for a while and finally says "If I put money into a soda vending machine, is the soda mine or the machine's?"
A vending machine...
A vending machine that doesn't take coins...
Makes no cents.
[One Liner] You can't blame vending machines for killing more people than sharks...
Imagine if people were pushing YOUR b**... all the time.
Why is a NFL Draft better than a vending machine?
You get a Quarterback.
Why are parents concerned about school vending machines?
Kids may be exposed to packages of nutty orange crackers.
A really sad man committed s**... by crushing himself with a vending machine
He was soda pressed.
What did the football player say to the broken vending machine?
Give me my quarter back.
A divorced couple standing in court over a child custody, the mother makes her claim and says: "I had him in my w**... for 9 months, so he is mine"
The judge turns to the father and asks: "and what is your claim?"
The man, smiling, says calmly: "Your honour, when I put a coin in the vending machine, the coke that comes out is mine or the machine's?"
During a custody battle...
A mother and father are sitting with a judge during a custody battle
Mom: Sir, I went through hours of pain and suffering to bring my daughter into this world. I should have full custody.
Judge: Do you have anything to say in your defense?
Father: When you put money into a vending machine and a Coke comes out, who does the coke belong to. You or the vending machine?
I was at the swimming centre with my son. I said, "Use your legs, come on. Keep k**.... Your arms are doing all the work."
His chocolate bar got stuck in the vending machine.
What's the graffiti on the side of the c**... vending machine say?
"Worst bubblegum I've ever tasted, but oh what bubbles!"
s**... WITH A p**...
Bragging to me you had s**... with a p**... is like bragging that you got some chips from a vending machine.
A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child...
The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"
The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"
A Mexican man puts two quarters and a nickel into a vending machine to buy a soda
but the price is 65 cents. Instead of dispensing the soda the machine it reads "DIME" so the man leans in and says Quiero una Coca
A Hispanic man goes to a vending machine...
A Hispanic man goes to a vending machine and puts in 40 cents. The machine displays "DIME" on the screen. The man gets close to the machine and whispers, "Yo quiero Pepsi"
A man and his ex-wife are negotiating child custody
The judge first asks the ex-wife to give him a reason why she should get the child.
**"Your honour, naturally, since I had to go through excruciating pain to bring this child into the world, I should get to keep the child."**
The judge is almost convinced but has to see the man's side first. The judge asks the man why he should receive custody of the child. The man thinks long and hard. Finally, he speaks up:
**"Your honour, if you went to a vending machine and put in a dollar and got a Coke, whose drink is it?"**
a blonde at a vending machine
A blonde comes to a vending machine, then she inserts a coin inside. She pushes a button and the vending machine releases a drink. The blonde puts the drink at the top of the vending machine, inserts a coin again, presses the button again and places another drink at the top. After this happens several times another person says to the blonde:
"Madam, there are several other people waiting for a drink."
The blonde replies: "Shhh! Can't you see I am WINNING now?"
I wanted to buy a drink from a vending machine, but there was a guy in front of me.
I tried to wait my turn patiently, but he just kept buying soda. I stood there for a while just watching him put in some money and take his drink, over and over until he had a whole bag of soda cans. He showed no signs of stopping, so I asked him, "Why do you keep doing that? Are you ever going to give anyone else a turn?"
He smirked and replied, "You're just jealous because I've won every time!"
With $1 you can buy one candy bar from a vending machine...
But with $2 you can buy a brick and get everything, from every vending machine!
Women are like vending machines...
... give them a little money, push the right b**..., and you'll get whatever you want.
Did you fall from a vending machine?
Cause it looks like you accept quarters.
I found a security flaw in vending machines that lets me get free products. If I report it will I get a Bounty?
In court, a woman asks for custody of her daughter.
Woman claims that she gone through pain by giving birth to her daughter to bring her to this world therefore she should obtain the custody.
Then the judge asks the man for an argument why he should obtain the custody of his daughter.
The man said: "Judge, if you insert a coin into a vending machine and get a bottle of Coke, to whom does the bottle belongs?
Vending machines or yours?
A guy walks up to a musician...
"You ok?" He asks?
"Yeah." The musician responds, "Just thirsty."
"There's a vending machine with some water over there if you need it."
"Yeah I tried it... It only accepts ones."
The musician opens a suitcase next to him, revealing a saxophone.
"I only got a tenor on me."
In a libertarian society, would there be vending machines selling h**... on the sidewalk right outside of elementary schools?
Of course not! For starters, there wouldn't be any sidewalks.

