vein Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious vein puns

Lenin in Warsaw

A Soviet filmmaker makes a film called Lenin in Warsaw. Everybody shows up for the premiere. The film opens—on Lenin's wife, Krupskaya, naked, having mad sex with another man. And then another. And another. And so on. The film continues in the same vein for ninety minutes.

Finally, the lights come up and the director takes questions from the audience.

First question: Very interesting movie, comrade, but—where was Lenin?

The director answers: In Warsaw.

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I spent a year writing a romance novel where two blood cells meet and fall in love. It never got published.

It was all in vein.

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Two red blood cells met and fell in love

but alas, it was in vein.

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There's this new drug named Jesus

I've heard of a lot of people injecting it but I've started taking it orally.

I'd never take the lords name in vein

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A lot of people are injecting this new drug called "Jesus", but I've started taking it orally...

...because I'd never take the Lord's name in vein.

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Why was the nun hooked up to an IV of holy water?

She was taking god's name in vein.

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I've heard addicts claim that heroin became their "God" but...

...they're always taking his name in vein.

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So this woman had a baby boy...

...but she was in no condition to keep him, so she decided to abandon him to the church. However, the priest was in the hospital at the moment, so the woman went after him and, seeing him in the hospital bed, unconscious and with IV's sticking out of his every vein, she decided to leave the baby at his feet.

The priest wakes up and after he discovers the baby, he calls for the doctors. "What's with this baby here, doc?". "Well, you see, when we were operating on you we found him there, so we got him out."
"This must be a miracle from God!" cried out the priest. "I must keep him!"

Years pass and the priest finds himself on the death bed. With his last breath he calls for his son.
"Son, I am not your father..."
"I knew it all along" said the son. "It doesn't matter, you raised me, you fed me, you cared for me as if for your own!"

"No, you don't get it. I'm not your father. I'm your mother. Your father's the bell-ringer."

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The church are upset about a new type of Heroin, called "Jesus"

They hate it when people take the Lord's name in vein.

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There's a new type of Heroin on the market that's called "Jesus Christ"

Finally a way for people to feel good after taking the lord's name in vein

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There was once a doctor who tried to prove that mainly blood was kept in bones,

But alas it twas in vein.

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There's a new drug on the street called God, but I'll never use it.

I'd never take the Lord's name in vein.

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A man goes to the doctor for a follow-up on his Deep Vein Thrombosis

Doctor: "So I prescribed you blood thinners last month, have you been taking them?"

Man: "No. I have a great reason why not though"

Doctor: "Aaah! The clot thickens!"

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A useless blood vessel is found dead

It died in vein

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There's this Pimp and he's got 3 hos

This joke doesn't work when written, because there's elements of physical comedy involved. My intent is to teach you the joke and hope you use it well. Without further ado, here's the joke

There's this pimp and he's got 3 hos. He says to the first ho "Where's the 100 dollars you owe me" She says "I only owe you 50" *slap* "BITCH, don't correct me.

He says to the second ho "Where's the 200 dollars you owe me" She says "I only owe you 100" *slap* "BITCH, don't correct me.

He says to the first ho "Where's the 300 dollars you owe me" She says "I only owe you 200" *slap* "BITCH, don't correct me.

He says to the fourth ho "Where's the 400 dollars you owe me" She says "I only owe you 300" *slap* "BITCH, don't correct me.

He says to the fifth ho "Where's the 500 dollars you owe me" She says "I only owe you 400" *slap* "BITCH, don't correct me....

Keep going in this vein until someone interrupts you to say "wait, you said he only had 3 hos" at which point you slap them and say "BITCH, don't correct me.

Yes I have gotten my ass kicked for telling this joke, but it was way worth it.

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A joke that has been circulating around for a while...

Two blood cells fell in love, but it was all in vein.

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I want to invent an intravenous drug.

I will name it Lord's Name, and people will be taking the Lord's Name in vein.

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What did the doctor say about the organ donor which died from a clotted artery?

"at least his death wasn't in vein"

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In the vein of today's Star Wars announcement, a topical joke

In a deleted scene from Return of the Jedi, Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader are fighting a duel to the death when suddenly Darth says to Luke: "Not only am I your Father, but I also know what you're getting for Christmas!"

Taken aback by the change of subject and suspecting a trap, Luke replies cautiously: "How could you possibly know what I'm getting for Christmas?"

Darth Vader: "Because I've felt your presents..."

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Jazz is in my blood

You could say I've got deep vein trombonses.

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To combat drug addiction, Christians are now rebranding herion as "Jesus"

One should never take the Lord's name in vein.

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A guy died from arteries clogging.

The doctors' efforts were in vein.

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Why should white blood cells never discuss God?

Because they would be using the lord's name in vein

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I tried quitting heroin.

But all my efforts were in vein.

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Does anyone know a good phlebotomy joke?

I've been trying to come up with one, but my efforts have been in vein.

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What did the vein say to the pessimistic blood clot?

Ay, be positive.

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Why are scientists that develop vaccinations sad?

Because all their work is in vein

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Statistically...

9 out of 10 injections are in vein.

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Never fall in love with a heroine junky.

They got a lot of love, but it's all in vein.

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We lost a brave soldier today, died from a fatal wound to the aorta...

But he did not die in vein.

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I just donated blood to the Red Cross.

But I'm afraid my donation will be in vein.

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The junkie tried but couldn't quit

All of his efforts were in vein

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Never Fall in love with a Heroin addict because even though they have a lot of love to give.

It's all in Vein

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I tried taking heroin the other night, but it didn't work

My efforts were in vein.

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What's the toughest commandment for IV drug users to follow?

Don't take God's name in vein.

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What are the most funny Vein jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Vein? Well, here are the best Vein dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Vein pick up lines to share with friends.

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