Vehicles Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

With the rise of self-driving vehicles...

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too

Microsoft is working on software for self-driving vehicles.

I can't wait until my car suddenly stops in the middle of the highway and reboots to install updates.

With the rise of self driving vehicles,

we shall soon hear a country song about a guy's truck leaving him too.

Now that vehicles are driving themselves...

It won't be long until a country singer writes a song about their truck leaving them too.

I bought my wife a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday.

A friend of mine said, I thought she wanted one of those pretty 4-wheel drive vehicles?


She did, I replied, But where in the world was I going to find a fake jeep!

Why do Ford vehicles have heated rear bumpers?

To keep your hands warm when you're pushing it

A man buys his wife a beautiful diamond ring for xmas.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"

Polish immigrant

A newly-arrived Polish immigrant goes to the Department of Motor Vehicles to apply for a driver's license.

He has to take an eye test. The clerk shows him a card with the letters:

C Z W I X N O S T A C Z

"Can you read this?" the clerk asks.

Read it?" the Pole replies, "I know the guy."

My local park doesn't allow wheeled vehicles inside.

Today a group of people are protesting this rule by driving a huge cart through the park. At first I didn't like the idea but I changed my mind and jumped on the banned wagon.

A trucker and a blonde.

A trucker is driving down a busy highway when he is abruptly cut off by a blonde woman in her car. Tired and grumpy from driving all day, he quickly pulls along side of the woman's car and forces her to stop on the shoulder of the highway. The trucker and the woman get out of their vehicles. The trucker takes a rock and draws a circle around the blonde.

"Don't you dare set foot outside this circle," the trucker orders.

He walks over to the blondes car and keys the side of it. When he returns, the woman is standing in her circle giggling. This angers the trucker even more. He proceeds to grab a bat out of his semi and smash the mirrors off the woman's car. When the trucker returns to the woman, she is still standing in her circle laughing. Enraged, the trucker takes a gas tank out of his semi, douses the woman's car in gas, and sets it on fire. The woman bursts into hysteria.

"I just totaled your car!! What is so funny?!" The trucker shouts.

The blonde replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

Who is calling?

The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational.

Paddy answered, "We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in."

There was a stony silence for a second or two.

''Do you know who you are speaking to?''

''No,'' said Paddy.

''It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel you so insubordinately referred to.''

''Well, do you know who you are talking to?'' asked paddy

''No,'' roared the colonel.

''Well thank goodness for that,'' said paddy and hung up the phone.

Unfair Christmas

Two brothers open up their Christmas gifts. One got many gifts. Xbox One, PS4, tons of games, Legos, remote control vehicles, and much more. The other one got a used tennis ball. One brother says to the other "Look at all the gifts I got, and you got a shitty tennis ball. HAHA" the other replies "At least I don't have cancer."

We should make all vehicles be driven by Stormtroopers

They never hit anything so there would be no accidents.

I was driving the other day

I was driving the other day when I saw this beautiful woman standing on the side of the road. I slowed down a little bit to get a better look at her when the guy behind me rear ended me.

As soon as we both got out of our vehicles, I noticed he was a midget. As he was walking over to me I could tell he was mad. He approached me and yelled, "I'm not happy!"

I replied, "Well, which one are you?"

I like my vehicles just like my violence

Domestic

Dead crows

There were many dead crows on highways in the Rocky Mountains this year. Ornithologists suspected it was due to vehicles hitting the crows.

This was surprising because crows have adapted to feeding on carcasses by having two birds watching from the trees while two birds feed. If there is a vehicle coming, two crows will shout out so the other birds can fly away.

After analyzing the car chips left on the crows, it was found that 80% of crows killed by trucks and only 20% were killed by cars.

Turns out crows are really good at yelling "caw caw caw" and not good at yelling "truck truck truck".

Sentry

A new soldier was posted guard at the gate to the American Base in Afghanistan. His orders were clear: All vehicles had to stop to show ID unless it had a special placard on the dashboard inside the windshield.

A black SUV came up with a general seated in the back. The car did not immediately stop, intending to drive through the gate area.

The sentry yelled at the drive to stop, almost getting run over as he jumped in front of the car.

The driver, a corporal, said, "I've got General Wheeler in the back."

"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. Since you don't have a sign on your dashboard, I have to see some ID."

The general said, "Drive on!"

The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without showing ID."

The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"

I'm a slut for MILFs with vehicles.

Guess I'm a car ma whore.

BMW tried to make an amphibious vehicle...

Mercedes and BMW started selling amphibious vehicles. Soon, however, BMW was forced to stop selling them, as their customer's kept getting the Benz.

A duck was standing by the roadside waiting for a break in traffic so it could cross.

It watched the vehicles zooming past, seemingly uncaring of its plight. Just when the mayhem started to lull a chicken walked up and said "Don't do it, mate. You'll never hear the end of it"

The president visits a military base

He asks a solider stationed there what vehicles he's looking at. The Solider replies "Tanks Obama"

If you ever feel like your ideas aren't worthwhile...

remember that somebody at BMW once proposed that blinkers should be installed in their vehicles.

Boston's dead crows

On interstate I-95 running from Boston to New Hampshire they had a problem with crows being hit by vehicles. They were being killed by the hundreds. They hired a professor from MIT to figure out why so many crows were being hit. He discovered that when crows land to feed, they leave one crow in the tree to watch for danger. They found out that the Boston crows could say caw caw but they couldn't say truck truck .

So I saw a study online...

Apparently a bunch of crows have been dying lately. One ornithologist linked their deaths to vehicles, whether it's them running into the vehicle, or the crows not moving out of the way.

An ornithologist for one university actually took it further, he wanted to know whether the majority of deaths were caused by trucks or by cars. The research showed that about 95% of the deaths were caused by trucks and 5% were by cars.

The study showed that most drivers in cars were actually able to avoid the crows, while trucks had trouble doing so. This is because crows at the last second were able to yell out "Cah Cah" but no crow could yell out "Truck"

Which country will be the first to change to all electric vehicles?

Madagascar

Dark as charcoal

A mother goes to the kindergarten to pick up her daughter.

She arrives to a nightmarish scene, the whole place is crawling with fireman, emergency vehicles and panicked parents, the kindergarten caught on fire, smoke everywhere.

She runs around frantically calling for her daughter: "Amber! has anyone seen my Amber!?!"
She tries to run inside the smouldering ruins of the kindergarten, but a fireman stops her, and says: "Sorry ma'm, but there's only Ashleys in there."

What sound do Nintedo police vehicles make?

Wii U Wii U Wii U

A new study has found that 98% of vehicular collisions with crows in Boston involve trucks and other large vehicles

Apparently they can all yell cah, cah, but not bus, bus.

What does an Irishman say when you give him two heavily armoured vehicles for Christmas?

Tanks

What sound does Nintendo's security vehicles make?

Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U

Why are automatic vehicles difficult to drive?

Because they don't come with a manual

Two Slugs Go To the Races

Two slugs attend an automobile derby at which all of the drivers are snails. The two arrive in the middle of the race, and they quickly realize that while other races may have their cars numbered, this derby labels the vehicles with letters from A to Z. They're surprised by this, but quickly find that it makes identifying the cars much easier.

As they find their seats, they hear the growling of an engine off in the distance. Both turn to look just in time to see one of the snail motorists go whipping past them, far ahead of the competition. One slug turns to the other and says, "Look at that S car go!"

A bus full of journalists is on its way to Mar-a-Lago.

The bus veers off the road and overturns. Emergency vehicles rush to the scene, only to find Trump with a shovel in his hand, and Stephen Miller on a bulldozer.

A paramedic asks " What happened to all the passengers ? "

Trump says " They were all dead, so we buried them ! "

Stunned, the paramedic says " Do you mean everybody died ? "

Trump replies " Some of them claimed they weren't dead, but you know how the press lies ! "

Uber dressed up some of their vehicles as Star Wars Stormtroopers in Manhattan...

I wouldn't mind riding one of those. They won't hit anything.

They've got internet for vehicles in Hong Kong too...

They call it Wong Kar-Wai fi.

What do you call a law enforcement agency that refuses to buy it's own vehicles?

The Pro-lease department

Bank heists are the lowest among the countries with the highest inflation.

Thieves don't have enough capacity in the vehicles to load enough cash.

I once spoke to an extractor fan.

He said to me, "I used to like farming vehicles, but now I'm not so fond of them."

I was doing the dishes and i realized..

If we could cover our Military vehicles in dried egg yolk we would be unstoppable.

I had my truck seviced at the dealer.

While I was waiting, the service manager offered to give me a hummer. I had to explain to her that I couldn't drive two vehicles at once.

For most of human history, our vehicles had an automatic stopping system to take us home and ensure we didn't crash when we were drunk or sleeping.

Then we got rid of the horse.

Thankfully no one was hurt

A man and a woman get in a terrible car wreck.

Both of their vehicles were completely destroyed, but fortunately, no one was hurt.

Thankful, the woman says to the man in a flirting tone,

"We're both okay, we should celebrate."

So the woman gets a bottle of wine out of the trunk of the smashed car, and hands it to the man with a smile.

The man almost forgetting about the accident takes a really big drink, and hands the bottle to the woman.

The woman closes the bottle and put it away.

The man asks,

"Aren't you going to take a drink?"

And the woman replies,

"No, I'll celebrate after the cops leave."

Vehicles in Heaven

Three men go up to heaven at the same time. As they approach the Pearly Gates they have are greeted by a man at a podium in front of the gates. "Greetings" says the man "Before you go into heaven, you will be assigned a vehicle". The men think this is strange but they agree, "The quality of the vehicle you will be given is in accordance with how good you were on earth" The first man steps forward and he is addressed by the man behind the desk. "How many times did you cheat on you wife while you were alive?" "Once" says the man. "I am giving you this older sedan" says the man behind the desk as he pulls out the car keys. The man drives away and the next man comes up and the process begins again. "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" "Twice" "Ok then we'll be giving you this beat up sedan" The next man comes up and again: The man answers that he had no affairs and was fully faithful to his wife. "Excellent" says the man behind the desk, as he pulls out the keys to a very nice new car. Three months pass and the three men all pull up next to each other at an intersection in heaven, and the man in the nice car is crying hysterically. One of the men looks at him and asks whats wrong. "I just saw my wife" says the man between sobs "and the bitch was riding a scooter"

What are the funniest vehicles jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Vehicles? Well, here are the best Vehicles puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Vehicles pick up lines to share with friends.

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