Vegetable Jokes
190 vegetable jokes and hilarious vegetable puns to laugh out loud. Read food jokes about vegetable that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This is a collection of funny jokes about vegetables. If you like to laugh at jokes about fruits and vegetables, then this is the article for you!
Quick Jump To
- Short Vegetable Jokes
- Vegetable One Liners
- Vegetable And Fruit Jokes
- Fruit Vegetable Jokes
- Fruit And Vegetable Jokes
- Vegetable Garden Jokes
- Vegetable Soup Jokes
- More Vegetable Jokes
Funniest Vegetable Short Jokes
Short vegetable jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The vegetable humour may include short vegetarian jokes also.
- My kid and I wrote this together: Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants? Because he took a leek!
(Please don't kick us out, just lettuce leave) - If you were a fruit, you would be a Fineapple. If you were a vegetable.... I would visit you every day in the hospital.
- I had a gay friend in high school... ...who fell into a coma. We called him Tomato: he was a fruit and a vegetable.
- People that don't eat meat are called vegetarians, but what are people that don't eat vegetables? constipated
- I told my gay friend I could turn fruits into vegetables... He said "prove it."
So I pushed him off the balcony. - What do you get when you mix a broccoli and a melon? The saddest vegetable known to man: a melonccoli.
- BREAKING: North korean leader in a vegetative state following surgery. They've begun calling him Kim Jong Un-Responsive
- Did you know that the state vegetable and official state pastime of Alabama are the same thing? Pumpkin
- What do hospitals and refrigerators have in common? If you pull the plug, the vegetables start to decompose.
- Someone told me that it's impossible to make a pun about vegetables. I said that's not nececelery true.
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Vegetable One Liners
Which vegetable one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with vegetable? I can suggest the ones about veggie and eggplant.
- What vegetable do you need when you get a flat tire? A-spare-I-guess.
- Name a vegetable that's kind of cool. Radish
- What do you call a woman who pleasures herself with a vegetable? Mrs Hawking.
- What does a vegetable get in bowling? A-spare-I-guess
- Why'd the gardener get banned from the hospital? He kept watering the vegetables.
- What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden? A seizure salad.
- What do scientists and vegetables have in common? Stephen Hawking
- What do you call an emo vegetable? A despair-agus
- What's the most hated vegetable in the world? Kim Jong un
- Which vegetable tells us how old a taxi is? Cabbage.
- What's Michelle Obama's favourite vegetable Barackoli
- What do you call a crippled kid locked in a hot car? Steamed Vegetable.
- What's the best thing about being a cannibal in a coma ward? Fresh vegetables.
- A vegetable walks into a bar... Just kidding, he'll never walk again.
- Why was the vegetable store robber embarrassed? He got caught taking a leek
Vegetable And Fruit Jokes
Here is a list of funny vegetable and fruit jokes and even better vegetable and fruit puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why won't cannibalistic children eat homosexuals and cripples? Because kids don't like to eat fruits and vegetables.
- Why do you never see gay men in wheelchairs? Because you can't be a fruit and a vegetable at the same time.
- I'm starting to think my crippled neighbor is gay. I am not sure if I should call him a fruit or a vegetable
- What do you call a gay person in a coma? A tomato.
Because they are both a fruit and a vegetable. - Mike Pence doesn't believe in science But he wants to use electricity to turn fruits into vegetables
- What's the difference between a fruit and a vegetable? One likes men and the other is disabled.
EDIT 2: I apologise if this offends some people. In 2017, you cannot be too careful. - A vegan said to me : people who sell meat are disgusting I replied with : people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer
- Age old debate. People these days always talk about how disgusting butchers and people who sell meat are, however I've found that people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.
- How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? you lobotomize it.
- What do a tomato and a gay quadriplegic have in common? They are both fruits that are kind of like vegetables.
Fruit Vegetable Jokes
Here is a list of funny fruit vegetable jokes and even better fruit vegetable puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My fruit and vegetable business recently went into liquidation We now sell smoothies
- What's the difference between a fruit and a vegetable in the South? A vegetable can get married
- I hate when people say tomatoes are fruits and not vegetables. If a gay dude in a wheelchair can be both, why can't a tomato.
- What did the fruit say to the vegetable? Lettuce be grape friends.
- Did you hear about the gay man who got into a car accident? Now he's both a fruit *and* a vegetable.
- In the vegetable and fruit aisle Me: Hi, are these carrots genetically modified?
Clerk: No, why do you ask?
Carrot: Yeah, why do you ask? - Why couldn't the vegetable marry the fruit? Because it was cantaloupe.
- How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? You break his neck.
- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like the occasional vegetable.
- Why can you never trust a fruit over a vegetable? because they're seedy.
Fruit And Vegetable Jokes
Here is a list of funny fruit and vegetable jokes and even better fruit and vegetable puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you hear about the paraplegic, gay tomato farmer? People weren't sure if they should call him a fruit or vegetable farmer.
- How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? A brick to the back of his head should do it.
- What turns a fruit into a vegetable? AIDS.
- Did you hear about the gay guy that fell into a coma? It's the first reported case of a fruit becoming a vegetable.
- What kind of fruit is also a vegetable? A gay guy in a coma!
- Did you hear about the gay guy who is in a coma? The nurses call him Tomato. He is a fruit and a vegetable.
- When a homosexual man becomes brain dead, is he a fruit or a vegetable?
- If a gay man gets into a debilitating car accident... is he a fruit or a vegetable?
- If a homosexual person goes into a coma are they a fruit or a vegetable?
- Where do they have the best fruits and vegetables? A 1950's psych ward
Vegetable Garden Jokes
Here is a list of funny vegetable garden jokes and even better vegetable garden puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My five year old just told me this one... Why did the snowman go to the vegetable garden?
So he could go pick his nose. - What do you call a ward full of coma patients A vegetable garden.
- What did the vegetables say at the garden party? Lettuce turnip the beet
- Came up with this one when I was 10: what do you get when you cross an elephant and a snail? I don't know either, but it sure won't be good for your vegetable garden.
- What do you call a graveyard full of disabled people A vegetable garden
- What's the difference between a bag that you take onto an airplane and the vegetables grown in Bilbo's garden? One is cabin baggage, the other is Baggin's cabbage.
- Grave diggers are like gardeners They plant vegetables
- What is it called when a person in a coma is surrounded by flowers? A vegetable garden
- What do you get when weeds start growing in a vegetable garden? Baked potatoes.
- Why was there a gardener on duty at Steven Hawking's burial? They needed help planting the vegetable.
Vegetable Soup Jokes
Here is a list of funny vegetable soup jokes and even better vegetable soup puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a quadriplegic in a therapy pool? Vegetable soup
- What do you get if you put 100 paralitycs in a hot tub? A vegetable soup
- Why don't Astronomers like vegetable soup? They prefer a meteor soup.
- I made a vegetable soup. Sadly he dropped it all over his wheelchair.
- What happens when you eat 4 jumbo cans of vegetable soup? You have a massive vowel movement.
- Yesterday I decided to make a soup of forgotten vegetables It turned out to be just hot water.
- What do you call a bunch of crippled people sitting in a hot tub? Vegetable Soup.
- How do you call disabled people in jacuzzi? Vegetable soup
- What do you call a center for disabled children that has flooded? Vegetable soup.
- What Do You Call A Pool Full of the Mentally-Handicap? Vegetable soup.
Laughter Vegetable Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity
What funny jokes about vegetable you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean vegan jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make vegetable pranks.
Vegans think butchers are g**...
But people who sell vegetables and fruits are grocer
A vegan said to me, "people who sell meat are g**...!"
I said, "people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."
A vegan said to me people who sell meat are disgusting.
I said people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and e**... vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
I got fired from my last job for arranging the vegetables into s**... position
Apparently that's "misconduct" for a special needs teacher.
A woman was forced to choose between two suitors to wed.
The first man was about 4 foot 5 tall and ran a very successful store that sold many fruits and vegetables.
The other man was disgusting. He was covered head to toe in boils and bedsores and smelled awful. He had not ever even seen a bath. He was pretty much the most foul human you could imagine.
Yet the woman wed the second man.
Because no matter how g**... you pictured him to be...
The first man was just a little grocer.
I got fired today, because my boss caught me m**... with a vegetable
Apparently nursing homes have strict rules about what you can do with patients.
My sister thought she was soo smart, she said the only vegetable/fruit that can make her cry is a onion
So I threw a coconut at her
How do you know the Japanese mass m**... was a chef?
He spent his day cutting up vegetables
A man is walking his pet carrot
As he's walking his pet carrot it gets hit by a car. After rushing to the ER the man paces the waiting room as the doctor comes out exhausted from surgery. Doctor, is my carrot alive are they ok? The doctors sighs. I have good news and bad news. The good news is your pet carrot is alive the man breathes a sigh of relief. What's the bad news doctor? The doctor looks him in the eyes and says Well I'm sorry but, your carrots gonna be a vegetable for the rest of its life.
I know it's dumb it was just of favorite of my grandfathers a long time ago and I thought I'd share it.
I saw a cannibal at the nursing home the other day, he was walking around making fun of all the residents. I realized then that I actually had something in common with him.
I too find vegetables to be tastier if I roast them first.
I finally, after 35 years, have made my own two line joke
What's a gooses's favorite vegetable?
Asparagoose.
My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the market, so I went and looked around and couldn't find any. I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and asked, These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?
The produce guy looked at me and said, No. You'll have to do that yourself.
Presidential
Jill and Joe Biden go to a steakhouse for dinner. Jill says, I will have the petite filet medium rare with a baked potato with sour cream and butter. The waiter asks, What about your vegetable? Jill replies, Oh, he will have the same.
what has four letters, is a vegetable if you take away the last, an o**... if you take away the first, and gives you a sense of pride and accomplishment if you take away both
pear
Scene at the supermarket...
Customer: Pardon me, but are these vegetables genetically modified?
Clerk: No, sir. Why do you ask?
Carrot: Yeah, why do you ask?
I got fired today for arranging the vegetables in a s**... suggestive way
Apparently that's "unacceptable behavior for a special needs teacher".
What does a shopping cart and a wheelchair have in common?
They both can be used to carry vegetables....
Jack was very fat and his wife was worried about him, so she made him see the doctor...
The doctor weighed him and said, "You must lose 30 kg. Eat only fruits and vegetables and jog 5 km a day for the next 100 days. Then give me a call and tell me how much you weigh."
Jack went home and did what the doctor told him. 100 days later, Jack called the doctor.
"Jack here. You will be happy to know that I have lost 30 kg."
"Excellent," said the doctor.
"There is just one problem," Jack said. "I am 500 km from home!"
.. my sister told me onions are the only vegetable that make you cry
...so I threw a pumpkin at her head. She soon changed her mind
What do a farm and hospital have in common?
Too many vegetables for one person to take care of.
What kind of table is good for your health?
A vegetable!
This joke was made by adorable 8-year-old niece!
It wasn't. It was made by a 27 year old. Me. It was made by me.
I wanted to start a line of men's shirts made solely out of vegetables.
But it doesn't seem that many guys are interested in Crop Tops.
A vegan buddhist...
...decides to jump off the roof of a meat factory as the ultimate form of protest believing that he will be reincarnated. He became a vegetable.
Two cannibals are sitting around a campfire.
One says to the other, "I hate my mother-in-law." The other says, "Then just eat the vegetables."
100 year old on local TV
"So what's your secret, Sir?"
"I once s**... a guy for $ 20"
"No - to your longevity!"
"Oh, fruits and vegetables"
My biology teacher asked me what was the ugliest vegetable IMO.
Apparently, Stephen Hawking was the wrong answer.
Why did the cannibal only eat coma patients?
The doctor said he needed more vegetables in his diet.
What does the cannibal do after eating his vegetables?
Goes to eBay to see what he can sell the wheelchairs for.
What is Michelle Obama's favorite vegetable?
Baraccoli
Today marks 5 weeks of isolation...
I'm walking 2 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour. Eating fresh vegetables and home cooked meals every day. The change has been fantastic! I feel great!
Zero alcohol, a healthy diet, gluten free, caffeine free, sugar free and a 1 hour home workout each day! Lost 20 lbs and gained muscle mass. I've even cut my screen time in half and am reading a book a week.
I have no idea who wrote this, but I am really proud of them so I decided to copy and paste.
What's Michelle's favourite vegetable?
Barackoli
(I'm sorry I'll leave now...)
I've begun investing heavily in beef, chicken and vegetable stocks.
One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn't live off of that celery.
Did you hear about the cannibal who visited the ICU ward?
His doctor told him to eat more vegetables.
What should you do before cooking the vegetables?
Remove the wheelchair
What do you call a spring equinox party with vegetables? A salad-bra-tion!
A vegan once said to me, "people who sell meat are g**...!"
So I replied: the people who sell vegetables are grocer
A guy starts his first day at a bakery...
The boss says, "We're a healthy, whole-food bakery, so we put vegetables in every type of bread that we make." He shows the new guy to the back room, where there are rows of file cabinets with pictures of vegetables on them.
"Here's where we keep the carrot dough," the boss says, opening a file drawer with a picture of a carrot on it. "And here's the zucchini dough."
"But what's this one with the picture of Kevin Spacey on it?" The new guy asks.
"Oh," the boss responds, "That's the pea dough file."
My parents told me "you are what you eat"
And thats why I don't eat vegetables.
Two carrots are walking together down the street,
One of them stepped onto the road and ended up getting run over by a car. The other carrot calls 911 and they take him to the hospital. After hours of waiting the doctor comes out
and says, "I have good news and bad news, the good news is your friend is going to make it, the bad news is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life"
Putin and Medvedev go into a restaurant
"What would you gentlemen like to have?" asks the waiter.
"I'll have the steak", says Putin.
"Excellent choice, sir. What about the accompanying vegetable?" asks the waiter.
"He'll also have the steak", says Putin.
A young vulture is tired of eating nothing but scavenged meat...
So he says to his father, "Dad, can't we eat something else for a change? I'd like to try some vegetables."
The father is outraged, claiming that vultures do not eat vegetables, that is not their way. But the young vulture doesn't give up. He asks again the next day, and the next, and the next. Eventually the father relents, and agrees on a compromise. The young vulture could eat some vegetables, but only if he finished his meat first.
The following day, the young vulture asks what they will be eating that evening. The father replies, "Carrion, my wayward son. There'll be peas when you are done."
Three women (redhead, blondie and an asian) have just escaped a prison, and the cops are looking for them...
The girls were running trough the city and went into one of those fruit/ vegetables' market to hide, and find 3 bag of potatoes big enough for them to hide inside.
After a while, one cop that is looking for them finds the bags, and realize that they're kind of weird... So he approaches and kicks the first potatoe's bag, with the asian girl inside...
The asian girl, quickly respond the kick with barking noises: ruff ruff
"Oh... These are just a few dogs!", says the cop.
He then approaches to the second potatoe's bag, with the redhead inside, and kicks it as well.
"Meow... Meow", the redhead answers.
"Oh... These are just a few cats!", says the cop.
Finally, he gets close to the third potatoe's bag, with the blondie inside, and kicks it too.
The voice inside the bags respond:
"Potatoes".
During the annual cavemen conference ...
Greg : so I kept rubbing this rock against another rock until it became very thin and now I can cut vegetables,meat using this . I call this "The Knife" .
Chief Gogo : wow , I thought no-one can beat Gorg's invention of using wheat flour and water to create a new food called "bread" but yours is a worthy contender
Greg " that's not it ,chief "
And then places a piece of bread on the stone and takes the knife in his hand
" What I'm about to do will blow your mind " .
What was the snowman doing in the vegetable patch?
Picking his nose.
What's the worst thing about eating vegetables?
Putting them back in the wheelchair when you're done.
What's the president's favorite vegetable?
Barack-oli
What do you call a vegetable that's only kinda cool?
Radish
