Vegas Jokes
135 vegas jokes and hilarious vegas puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about vegas that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
These Vegas jokes will have you rolling on the floor! Check out these hilarious gags about Fallout New Vegas, Blackjack, and other famous Vegas destinations. Laugh out loud at these jokes and show your friends how devoted you are to Las Vegas culture!
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Funniest Vegas Short Jokes
Short vegas jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The vegas humour may include short blackjack jokes also.
- The reason Nevada doesn't have any election results yet is If you count in Vegas, you get kicked out
- Kevin Spacey is trying to get a new position in Vegas,... Blackjack Dealer
Because they hit on anything under 17. - I wish Corona could have started in Las Vegas... Because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas
- What is the difference between Wuhan, China and Las Vegas, Nevada? What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas
- People know I go to Las Vegas a lot and they always ask if I saw the white tigers at the Mirage. I say, Only if they were sitting at the Let It Ride table.
- Guys Trip to Vegas My wife asked me after our guys trip to Vegas if I had thought of her while I was there. Apparently, "only to keep from coming too soon" was not a very good answer.
- If there's ever a zombie apocalypse, I really hope it starts in Vegas Because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.
- The Stanley Cup final will feature a morally bankrupt city, that is built on corruption, greed, and deceit... Against Las Vegas.
- What's the similarities between Las Vegas and Manchester? You can pay for the prostitutes using chips
- Pacquiao wanted the fight to take place in the Philippines, but Mayweather insisted on Las Vegas. I guess he likes his venues just like he likes his violence...Domestic.
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Vegas One Liners
Which vegas one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with vegas? I can suggest the ones about roulette and cantaloupe.
- Sin city we all know is Las Vegas, but do you know what Den city is? Mass over volume.
- Why did the Dalai Lama visit Las Vegas? Tibet
- How do you leave Vegas with 1 million? Come with 2 million
- I just spent two weeks in Vegas looking for my wife's killer... but no one would do it.
- What kind of melon can't get married in Las Vegas? Cantaloupe
...I'm sorry. - How do you win a small fortune in Las Vegas? By spending a large fortune.
- Old joke: I went to Vegas in a $20k car ... and returned in a $200k greyhound bus
- I drove to Vegas in a $25,000 Chevy and came home in a $250,000 vehicle A greyhound bus.
- When in rome do what the romans do! when in vegas do what the vegans do!
- I got kicked out of a hallmark store in vegas I was counting cards
- Why are slot machines bad luck? Because you can't gamble with your life in Las Vegas.
- I once had an altercation with a dealer in Vegas. He really had a chip on his shoulder.
- Why do teachers from Las Vegas focus so much on Trigonometry? Because it's sin city.
- The Oakland Raiders are moving to Las Vegas I think that is quite a gamble.
- What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas... hopefully with the exclusion of my money.
Las Vegas Jokes
Here is a list of funny las vegas jokes and even better las vegas puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why was rudolf the reindeer so angry? Because his wife went to Las Vegas and blew 50 bucks.
- What's the difference between a 3-ring circus and a Las Vegas chorus line? One is an array of cunning stunts...
- It's happening in Las Vegas and it's happening after the queen of England has taken a dump. It's a Royal straight flush.
- Me : Heard of Sin City? GF : Las Vegas, right?
Me : Yeap, hw about Den City?
GF : What?
Me : Mass / Volume - The Raiders are moving to Las Vegas Most Oakland fans won't even be able to go to games now due to parole stipulations...
- Did you hear about the two tornados in Las Vegas? They decided to elope after a whirlwind romance!
- You hear the one about the kid in Las Vegas? He asks his dad, "Pop, why can't I go out in the street and play football and baseball like the other kids?" And his father says, "Keep dealing."
- Why did the watermelon and the honeydew decide to cancel their spontaneous wedding in Las Vegas? They realized with a family like theirs, they really Cantaloupe.
- Everyone is upset about the ufc moving the event from Las Vegas to Los Angeles I say it's their Los
- What is Santa's favorite Las Vegas attraction? Cirque du Sleigh
Vegas Casinos Jokes
Here is a list of funny vegas casinos jokes and even better vegas casinos puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My friend is addicted to visiting Vegas and watching craps in a casino for hours. Then one day, security dragged him out of the bathroom
- This Just in: Casinos in Vegas are hoping to be open by Memorial Day. I'm really excited to get back to work! Said, the Corona Virus.
Las Vegas Raiders Jokes
Here is a list of funny las vegas raiders jokes and even better las vegas raiders puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The Oakland Raiders are moving to Las Vegas. Thus making "went to a Raiders game" yet another thing people won't talk about when they get home from Vegas.
Unearthly Funniest Vegas Jokes to Tickle Your Sides
What funny jokes about vegas you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean las vegas jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make vegas pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A newly ordained priest is sent to Las Vegas, to be the leader of a small congregation in a seedy area.
That evening, he is walking down the street outside the church, when he is approached by a p**..., who says to him, "Hey father, you want a b**...? Only 50 bucks." He gets embarrased because he doesn't know what she's talking about, but given how she's dressed, he declines.
The next day he meets the senior nun in the church, and asks her, "Sister, what's a b**...?"
She replies, "50 bucks, same as on the s**...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So there's a little guy sitting at a bar....(heard this years ago, hope it isn't a repost)
...when a much larger, muscular guy walks in who seems to have a chip on his shoulder. The big guy sits down next to the little guy and orders a beer, after a bit the big guy jumps up and completely out of nowhere punches the little guy, knocking him to the floor. "That's boxing, from Las Vegas."
The little guy picks himself up off the floor, dusts himself off, gets back on his stool and just quietly goes back to his drink. The big guy also sits back down, but after a few minutes he gets back up and kicks the little guy who slides all the way to the end of the bar. "That's karate, from Japan."
Again, the little fellow just quietly gets up, goes back to his seat, and resumes drinking. A few more minutes go by and the big fella gets up a third time, grabs the little dude, and throws him right into the door of the bar. "That's kung fu, from China."
This time, however, the little guy gets up and just walks out. After some time he walks back in, right up behind the big guy, and cracks him over the head, laying him unconscious in the floor. The little guy looks at the bartender and says "You tell that s**... when he wakes up that that was crowbar, from Sears and Roebuck."
A mid 30's guy is grocery shopping, and a 20 something blonde catches his eye.
She looks very familiar, but he can't remember where he met her. When they moved closer, she said to him, "Hi - I think you're the father of one of my children."
The guy freaks out. He says, "I've only cheated on my wife 3 times - in Vegas 5 years ago, in Orlando 4 years ago, and in Seattle 3 years ago. You look familiar, but I just can't remember. Who are you?"
She says, "I'm your son's Sunday school teacher."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A girl gets fired from her job with a Vegas outcall massage service
Seems she rubbed too many guys the wrong way.
What does Tupac Shakur and Oceans 13 have in common?...
They were both shot in Vegas!
As soon as they had finished making love, Susie jumped up from the bed and started packing her suitcase
"What on earth are you doing?" asked her puzzled husband.
"In Las Vegas I could get two hundred dollars for what I just gave you for free," she pointed out, "so I'm moving to Las Vegas."
This was enough to provoke her husband to jump up and begin packing *his* bags.
"What are you up to?" asked Susie in surprise.
"I'm following you to Las Vegas," he replied. "I've *got* to see you live off six hundred dollars a year."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
taxi cab
A businessman takes a vacation in Vegas. He has a horrible run of luck, and spends his life savings and maxes out his credit cards. All he has left is his airline ticket home.
Getting into a taxi, he explains his plight to the cabbie. He offers to leave his drivers license or anything else until he can mail the fare to the taxi driver.
"You ain't got ten bucks for the cab fare to the airport? Get out of my cab!" yelled the taxi driver.
The man walks to the airport, flies home, and for the next year, he works very hard, and builds back his fortune. He goes back to Vegas, and this time he wins big.
Feeling good about himself, he steps out of his hotel to leave for the airport. At the end of a long line of taxis, he sees the cab driver who refused to help him last year in his hour of need.
He immediately figures out a way to get even with this guy.
He gets into the first taxi and asks what the fare to the airport is. "Ten dollars." says the driver. He then asks how much for a b**.... "What? Get out of my cab."
He proceeds down the line of taxis repeating the process and getting the same results.
He finally gets into the cab with his old friend, and asks him how much to get to the airport. "Ten bucks," says the driver. "Good." he says to the driver.
And as they cruise past all the other drivers in their cabs, he gives them all a smile and a thumbs up.
Early, but here's one for the Holidays.
The Annual Chess-Lovers Convention was in full swing. This year, the highly-anticipated event was hosted by the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. Expert players and avid enthusiasts gathered from all around the world for the occasion.
The afternoon of the first day, a heated debate broke out in the main atrium of the hotel. Two very experienced players started pompously arguing over whose opening strategies were better. As the argument progressed, more people joined in to voice their opinions. The atrium erupted in quite a disruption! Security guards intervened to break it up at the Hotel Manager's direction. He demanded the lot be forcibly removed from the hotel!
"Mr. Manager," one of the security guards spoke up. "You don't think that's overreacting a bit? It was just an argument. No one was hurt or anything."
"I don't care!" the manager declared. "I can't stand Chess Nuts Boasting in an Open Foyer!"
What does Tupak Shakur have in common with Lethal Weapon 4?
Both were shot in Vegas
The next World Cup is going to be held in Nevada
FIFA Las Vegas
Redd Foxx Classics (not too dirty)
- "What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom? A pickpocket snatches watches."
- "I've realized the importance of black. If you want to know how important black is, go to Las Vegas and get some white chips and get some black chips. You could have 70 lbs of white chips and can't get out of town. You get 2 lbs of black chips, you can go to Madrid."
- "We were poor. If I wasn't a boy, I wouldn't have had nothing to play with."
A man comes home from work to see his wife packing her things.....
"What are you doing?", the man asks.
"I'm leaving you", the woman replies. "I just found out that I can make fifty dollars in Las Vegas for what I've been doing for you for free".
The man stands in silence for a moment and then leaves the room.
The wife, puzzled, follows him to the other room to find him packing his things.
"What are you doing?", the wife asks.
The man answers, "I'm coming with you. I gotta see how you're going to live off fifty dollars a month".
The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit are discussing where to holiday...
The Holy Spirit, predictably, suggests Las Vegas, but God says he feels like a change this year.
God suggests Jerusalem, but Jesus vetoes - not after last time...
Jesus suggests The Vatican City. "Sounds good to me." says God. " Yeah I'd like that," says the Holy Spirit, "I've never been."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A s**... bomber goes to Las Vegas to try his luck at the slot machines....
....he hit the jackpot, and now he's all over the place.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Awkward silence
Scenario: Jack is standing on Las Vegas s**... asking all the passing by girls, you know for what.
Jack: 50 dollars.
Everyone ignoring. And suddenly...
Girl: How about 500?
Jack: 500? Sure.
Went to hotel and had amazing s**.... And after s**......
Jack: Wow that was great. So how would you like to pay?
Awkward silence!!!
Hung like a baby....
There was a man and a woman who fell in love and decided to get hitched in Vegas. Before they walked into the chapel, the woman turns to the man and says: " Before we go through with this there is something you should know about me, I am flat chested"
The man responds: " Oh baby don't you worry about that. That does not make me love you any less. You are perfect the way you are"
The man continues: " While were on this subject there is something you should know about me, I'm hung like a baby"
The woman responds: "Oh honey, don'y you worry about that, you are still by fay perfect!"
The couple marry and move on to their honeymoon suite. The woman takes off her shirt, she is as flat as a washboard. The man takes off his pants. When the woman looked at him she fainted. A couple of minutes later the woman comes to. She asked the man: "You said you were hung like a baby!?"
The man replies: "I am, 8 pounds, 21 inches."
Going to Vegas
A man comes home from work to find his wife packing her things. "What are you doing?" he asks.
His wife replies, "I'm leaving you and moving to Las Vegas. I hear that men will pay me $500 to do to them what I do to you for free."
The man says nothing, walks over to the closet, grabs his suitcase and begins packing his things.
"What do you think you're doing?" his wife asks.
The man replies, "I'm going to Vegas. I want to see how you're going to live off of $500 a year."
Fake out your friends! I Got Married in Vegas! jk | Happily never after!
A Native American man walks into a hotel in Las Vegas.
The receptionist asks, "Do you have a reservation?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Go to Las Vegas
There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.''
He ignores the voice. Later in the day, he hears the voice again. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.''
Again, he ignores the voice. Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and move to Las Vegas.''
He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, ''Go to Caesar's Palace.''
He goes to Caesar's Palace and the voice says, ''Make your way to the roulette tables.''
He goes to the roulette tables and the voice says, ''Put all your money on red 23.''
He puts all his money on red 23. The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up black 17.
The voice says, '**...!''
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas
Yeah? Tell it to my gonorrhea.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I can't trust my heart or my brain to tell me who the next President will be
But I can trust my Vegas b**... and will be talking to him in October
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My Vietnamese roommate is moving to Vegas (giving me a place to c**... in Vegas), and leaving behind a full bedroom set for free...
This is a real Nguyen-Nguyen situation for me.
Gambling in Vegas
My friend came back from Las Vegas once. He told me the slot machines are easy to win big at. He went to town in a $20,000 Nissan, left in a $360,000 Porsche.
I thought "nice, I'm going to get in on that." So I left for Vegas in my $30,000 Toyota. Came back in a $800,000 vehicle.
A Greyhound bus.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, what happens in Japan stays in Japan
Until she turns 18, that is.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Working holiday
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.
"Where are you going?" he asks.
"I'm going to Las Vegas. I can earn $200 for a b**... there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do for you for free."
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.
"Where are you going?" the wife asks.
"I'm coming with you. I want to see how you can live on $200 a year."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Glasgow has a lot in common with Las Vegas.
I mean, for one in both places you can pay for s**... with chips.
Did you hear about the guy that got arrested in Vegas for helping people learn to gamble?
He was charged with aiding a betting.
A physicist was in Las Vegas
Tour guide: Las Vegas is also known as Sin City.
Physicist: Do you know what Den City is though?
Tour guide: No, I don't know.
Physicist: Mass over volume.
I'll see myself out.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Vegas Disappointment
I came back from Vegas and my buddy asked me how it was. I said, "You know those places with the signs that say 'All n**... inside'?" He nodded. I said, "Apparently, that's only if you work there."
So a man and a woman are having a fight
A Man and a woman are having a fight. Woman marches up to their room and starts to pack her bags. "Where are you going?" he asks.
"I'm moving to Vegas. i hear i can make $400 doing what i do for you for free" the Man starts to pack his bags too. "I'm coming with you. I've got to see how you're going to survive in Vegas on $800 a year.
What is Scotty Pippen's favorite Vegas game?
Craps.
A man is sitting at a bar in Las Vegas, crying.
The Bartender notices him and asks him what's wrong.
The man answers:''I lost over 50 grand this weekend betting on sports. I Went 0-8 in Baseball, 0-13 in Basketball, 0-6 In Football and 0-9 in Soccer."
The bartender, in disbelief, tries to soothe the man:"Have you ever tried betting on Hockey?"
The man quickly responds:"Of course not. I don't know anything about hockey!"
STILL THE KING
I think the best analogy for where we are right now is that America is Elvis Presley -- the most beautiful, talented, rebellious nation in the history of Earth. And now, you're in your Vegas years. You've squeezed yourself into a white jumpsuit, you're wheezing your way through 'Love Me Tender' and you might be about to pass away bloated on the toilet. But you're still the King.
A teacher says to a boy: "Answer one question i'm gonna give you and you can go home."
Boy :"Ok."
Teacher:"What state is Las Vegas located in?"
Boy:"That state"
Teacher:"What state exactly?"
Boy:"Woah, that's already the second question."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
They say the Vegas shooter was a white guy...
I was betting on black
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A family of cockroaches has been traveling up and down the Vegas s**... for several months.
Their time was spent visiting the many hotels and resorts that Vegas has to offer.
They only stayed at each hotel for a few weeks before moving on, because they didnt want to attract the attention of exterminators. However, by the third month of this nomadic lifestyle, the parent roaches started disagreeing on what their next move was.
Mother cockroach- well honey, I really do think we should keep moving! traveling this much isn't good for the kids! how do you think they feel, having to switch roach schools every few weeks?!
papa roach- this is my last resort
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Your last spring break?
Three students are sitting in an apartment.
One of them asks: "Where did you spend your last spring break?"
Another replies: "I was in Monaco, partying with the biggest hotties in the world.".
The first one then tells him: "I was gambling in Las Vegas, and I won over 5 million bucks.".
The third student then replies: "And I was in the same s**... as both of you, but I didn't smoke that stuff!".
Why didn't the green watermelon go to Vegas to marry the brown watermelon?
...because it cantaloupe.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you know your in Las Vegas
When the s**... club has a splash zone
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
(OC) What is the difference between a Vegas Buffet, and a cheap h**...?
The buffet is the only place a casino recommends the all you can eat c**...
How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?
Give them a show in Vegas and introduce a white tiger.
They say "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas"
So why couldn't I leave my newborn at the reception?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Just got back from Vegas.
You know those places they have there with the signs: ALL n**... INSIDE ?
Just a tip. Turns out that's only if you work there.
What's the worst thing to eat before a quick vegas wedding?
Canteloupe (Can't elope)
Two friends go to Vegas
But lost their wallets, between them they now only have $8.00.
The first friend says give me the money, I have a great idea
He goes into Walgreens and comes out with a bag
Second friend grabs it and looks inside and sees a box of tampons. He says that's great, you waste our last $8.00 on a box of tampons? What are we going to do now?
First friend says you got it all wrong! We're going to have a great time, look says right here on the box, we can go skydiving, horseback riding, skiing,rock climbing, we can do anything with these things!
Bob turns to John who is about to board a plane to Las Vegas and hands him $500 saying "play with this for me and do what you can for me."
John returns and says "good news, you got laid."
Good Thing The Vegas Rule Still Applies At The Hotel Room Across From The Lovely Middle School
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Las Vegas is now home to a 550 foot tall ferris wheel
Also drawing thousands to Las Vegas: w**...
Q: Where does a gambler refuel his car?
A: At Las Ve-gas.
Vegas Baby
If a woman gives birth to a child in Vegas, does the child stay there?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I spent $500 on a h**... in Vegas once.
My brother said he needed the money.
[Original] I asked my dyslexic Hispanic friend the fastest way to Las Vegas, and he pointed in the right direction. "Gracias", I said.
"Ne vada"
What did the nun say at confession after being caught in Vegas.....
Forgive me father I have spinned.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Whats Santas favorite Vegas entertainment?
Them h**..., h**..., h**...
Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?
Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.
