The Best 74 Vegas Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Vegas jokes. There are some vegas roulette jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these vegas las vegas puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Vegas Jokes and Puns
So there's a little guy sitting at a bar....(heard this years ago, hope it isn't a repost)
...when a much larger, muscular guy walks in who seems to have a chip on his shoulder. The big guy sits down next to the little guy and orders a beer, after a bit the big guy jumps up and completely out of nowhere punches the little guy, knocking him to the floor. "That's boxing, from Las Vegas."
The little guy picks himself up off the floor, dusts himself off, gets back on his stool and just quietly goes back to his drink. The big guy also sits back down, but after a few minutes he gets back up and kicks the little guy who slides all the way to the end of the bar. "That's karate, from Japan."
Again, the little fellow just quietly gets up, goes back to his seat, and resumes drinking. A few more minutes go by and the big fella gets up a third time, grabs the little dude, and throws him right into the door of the bar. "That's kung fu, from China."
This time, however, the little guy gets up and just walks out. After some time he walks back in, right up behind the big guy, and cracks him over the head, laying him unconscious in the floor. The little guy looks at the bartender and says "You tell that sonofabitch when he wakes up that that was crowbar, from Sears and Roebuck."
A mid 30's guy is grocery shopping, and a 20 something blonde catches his eye.
She looks very familiar, but he can't remember where he met her. When they moved closer, she said to him, "Hi - I think you're the father of one of my children."
The guy freaks out. He says, "I've only cheated on my wife 3 times - in Vegas 5 years ago, in Orlando 4 years ago, and in Seattle 3 years ago. You look familiar, but I just can't remember. Who are you?"
She says, "I'm your son's Sunday school teacher."
A girl gets fired from her job with a Vegas outcall massage service
Seems she rubbed too many guys the wrong way.
How do you win a small fortune in Las Vegas?
By spending a large fortune.
Why did the Dalai Lama go to Las Vegas?
Tibet
Why did the Dalai Lama visit Las Vegas?
Tibet
Three men on a deserted island find a genie.
The genie will grant the men three wishes, so they decide to take a wish each. The first man wishes to be home with his family and his wish is granted. The second man wishes to be in Vegas with many beautiful women and his wish is granted. The third man says "I'm getting kind of lonely, I wish those guys were here with me again."
Guys Trip to Vegas
My wife asked me after our guys trip to Vegas if I had thought of her while I was there. Apparently, "only to keep from coming too soon" was not a very good answer.
I just spent two weeks in Vegas looking for my wife's killer...
but no one would do it.
Redd Foxx Classics (not too dirty)
- "What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom? A pickpocket snatches watches."
- "I've realized the importance of black. If you want to know how important black is, go to Las Vegas and get some white chips and get some black chips. You could have 70 lbs of white chips and can't get out of town. You get 2 lbs of black chips, you can go to Madrid."
- "We were poor. If I wasn't a boy, I wouldn't have had nothing to play with."
The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit are discussing where to holiday...
The Holy Spirit, predictably, suggests Las Vegas, but God says he feels like a change this year.
God suggests Jerusalem, but Jesus vetoes - not after last time...
Jesus suggests The Vatican City. "Sounds good to me." says God. " Yeah I'd like that," says the Holy Spirit, "I've never been."
You can explore vegas destinations reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean vegas cantaloupe dad jokes. There are also vegas puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Awkward silence
Scenario: Jack is standing on Las Vegas strip asking all the passing by girls, you know for what.
Jack: 50 dollars.
Everyone ignoring. And suddenly...
Girl: How about 500?
Jack: 500? Sure.
Went to hotel and had amazing sex. And after sex...
Jack: Wow that was great. So how would you like to pay?
Awkward silence!!!
Going to Vegas
A man comes home from work to find his wife packing her things. "What are you doing?" he asks.
His wife replies, "I'm leaving you and moving to Las Vegas. I hear that men will pay me $500 to do to them what I do to you for free."
The man says nothing, walks over to the closet, grabs his suitcase and begins packing his things.
"What do you think you're doing?" his wife asks.
The man replies, "I'm going to Vegas. I want to see how you're going to live off of $500 a year."
I bought a second hand deck of cards from a casino in Las Vegas, but after 4 weeks they hadn't arrived.
When I asked for an update, they said they were still dealing with my order.
A man comes home to find his wife packing...
He says "Hunny, what are you doing"
"I'm leaving you and going to Vegas!"
"Why?"
"I heard you can make $400 a blow job out there!"
The husband starts packing and his wife asks, "What are you doing?"
"I'm coming with you! I want to see how you live on $800 a year!"
Pacquiao wanted the fight to take place in the Philippines, but Mayweather insisted on Las Vegas.
I guess he likes his venues just like he likes his violence...Domestic.
What's the similarities between Las Vegas and Manchester?
You can pay for the prostitutes using chips
If there's ever a zombie apocalypse, I really hope it starts in Vegas
Because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.
So a man walks into a bar in Las Vegas
He orders ten consecutive shots, and drinks them all within 45 seconds. The bartender says, "What's with the rush?" and the man replies, "You'd drink this fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" and the man replies quickly, "45 cents."
What does Las Vegas have in common with Scotland?
Not a lot, but in both you can pay for sex with chips.
I can't trust my heart or my brain to tell me who the next President will be
But I can trust my Vegas bookie and will be talking to him in October
My Vietnamese roommate is moving to Vegas (giving me a place to crash in Vegas), and leaving behind a full bedroom set for free...
This is a real Nguyen-Nguyen situation for me.
Why don't casinos in Las Vegas hire girls from California?
Because they, like, can't even deal.
Gambling in Vegas
My friend came back from Las Vegas once. He told me the slot machines are easy to win big at. He went to town in a $20,000 Nissan, left in a $360,000 Porsche.
I thought "nice, I'm going to get in on that." So I left for Vegas in my $30,000 Toyota. Came back in a $800,000 vehicle.
A Greyhound bus.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, what happens in Japan stays in Japan
Until she turns 18, that is.
I drove to Vegas in a $25,000 Chevy and came home in a $250,000 vehicle
A greyhound bus.
A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags and asks her where she's going.
"To Las Vegas. I found out there are men who will pay me $400 to do what I do to you for free."
The man started packing his bags. "Where are you going?" she asked.
"I'm going to Las Vegas with you. I want to see how you'll live on $800 a year."
Working holiday
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.
"Where are you going?" he asks.
"I'm going to Las Vegas. I can earn $200 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do for you for free."
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.
"Where are you going?" the wife asks.
"I'm coming with you. I want to see how you can live on $200 a year."
Glasgow has a lot in common with Las Vegas.
I mean, for one in both places you can pay for sex with chips.
Two stoned cows
What do you call two stoned cows in Las Vegas?
High steaks.
I got kicked out of a hallmark store in vegas
I was counting cards
A physicist was in Las Vegas
Tour guide: Las Vegas is also known as Sin City.
Physicist: Do you know what Den City is though?
Tour guide: No, I don't know.
Physicist: Mass over volume.
I'll see myself out.
"Do you know what sin city is?"
"Yeah, that's Las Vegas"
"But do you know what Den City is"
"No"
"Mass over volume"
Do you know what Sin City is?
Person 1: Do you know what Sin City is?
Person 2: Las Vegas
Person 1: Do you know what the Windy City is?
Person 2: Chicago
Person 1: Do you know what Den City is?
Person 2: ...
Person 1: Mass over volume
Vegas Disappointment
I came back from Vegas and my buddy asked me how it was. I said, "You know those places with the signs that say 'All nude inside'?" He nodded. I said, "Apparently, that's only if you work there."
So a man and a woman are having a fight
A Man and a woman are having a fight. Woman marches up to their room and starts to pack her bags. "Where are you going?" he asks.
"I'm moving to Vegas. i hear i can make $400 doing what i do for you for free" the Man starts to pack his bags too. "I'm coming with you. I've got to see how you're going to survive in Vegas on $800 a year.
A man is sitting at a bar in Las Vegas, crying.
The Bartender notices him and asks him what's wrong.
The man answers:''I lost over 50 grand this weekend betting on sports. I Went 0-8 in Baseball, 0-13 in Basketball, 0-6 In Football and 0-9 in Soccer."
The bartender, in disbelief, tries to soothe the man:"Have you ever tried betting on Hockey?"
The man quickly responds:"Of course not. I don't know anything about hockey!"
STILL THE KING
I think the best analogy for where we are right now is that America is Elvis Presley -- the most beautiful, talented, rebellious nation in the history of Earth. And now, you're in your Vegas years. You've squeezed yourself into a white jumpsuit, you're wheezing your way through 'Love Me Tender' and you might be about to pass away bloated on the toilet. But you're still the King.
A teacher says to a boy: "Answer one question i'm gonna give you and you can go home."
Boy :"Ok."
Teacher:"What state is Las Vegas located in?"
Boy:"That state"
Teacher:"What state exactly?"
Boy:"Woah, that's already the second question."
Kevin Spacey is trying to get a new position in Vegas,...
Blackjack Dealer
Because they hit on anything under 17.
How do you leave Vegas with 1 million?
Come with 2 million
Your last spring break?
Three students are sitting in an apartment.
One of them asks: "Where did you spend your last spring break?"
Another replies: "I was in Monaco, partying with the biggest hotties in the world.".
The first one then tells him: "I was gambling in Las Vegas, and I won over 5 million bucks.".
The third student then replies: "And I was in the same shithole as both of you, but I didn't smoke that stuff!".
The Stanley Cup final will feature a morally bankrupt city, that is built on corruption, greed, and deceit...
Against Las Vegas.
Two Melons Fall In Love
The guy says, I love you so much, my sweet little honey dew. I don't want to wait. Let's run away to Vegas together.
The girl replies, No, baby. I cantaloupe.
Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?
Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.
I went to this cool new restaurant in Vegas, the server woman came out nude with the menu painted all over her body.
She asked if I was ready to order, I said I know what I want, but I just can't put my finger on it.
My friend is addicted to visiting Vegas and watching craps in a casino for hours.
Then one day, security dragged him out of the bathroom
Everyone knows that Las Vegas is Sin City. But do you know what is Den City?
p = m/V
mass/volume
This Just in: Casinos in Vegas are hoping to be open by Memorial Day. I'm really excited to get back to work!
Said, the Corona Virus.
[OC] A sketchy looking guy asks a stripper if she'll join him on a spiritual quest in the Las Vegas desert.
She knows she would be dumb to accept the invitation, but she asks her manager for advice first just in case. His response is simple:
"There are no stupid quest shuns; only stupid dancers."
what is the difference between Las Vegas and Wuhan?
what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
In Vegas, a blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin.
Out pops a Coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins.
She returns and starts feeding the machine madly, and of course the machine keeps popping out the drinks.
Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go.
The blonde spins around and shouts in her face: "Can't you see I'm winning?"
After 10 Years man come to home and find his wife
A man comes home to find his wife of 10 years packing her bags. "Where are you going?" demands the surprised husband. "To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 cash to do what I do for you for free!" The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing his bags. "What do you think you are doing?" she screamed. "I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $2,000 a year!"
What's the difference between a 3-ring circus and a Las Vegas chorus line?
One is an array of cunning stunts...
I wish Corona could have started in Las Vegas...
Because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas
Two blondes in Las Vegas were sitting on a bench talking at night ... and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away ... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Hellooooooo, can you see Florida?"
I wish the Coronavirus started in Las Vegas
because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.
Sin city we all know is Las Vegas, but do you know what Den city is?
Mass over volume.
What did the watermelon say when the honeydew asked it to run away to Vegas and get married?
Sorry I cantaloupe
I made this up eating a green watermelon
The teacher was asking her students what they wanted to be when they grow up.
When it came to Johnny he said, I want to be a billionaire and go to expensive clubs. I'll get me a bitch, and buy her a million-dollar apartment in Vegas, a Ferrari, a beach house in Miami, a jet to fly with, expensive jewelry and have sex with her 3 times a day.
The teacher was lost for words and didn't know what to do, so she just proceeded along and asked Marie what she wanted to be.
Marie replied: "I'd like to be Johnny's bitch!!"
The reason Nevada doesn't have any election results yet is
If you count in Vegas, you get kicked out
Did you know that Vegas has more Catholic Churches than casinos?
Not surprisingly, some Sunday worshipers give casino chips when the collection basket is passed. Since they get chips for many different casinos the churches have devised a system to handle the collections. The churches send all of their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then taken to the individual casinos to redeem for cash.
This is done by the chip monks.
I wish Covid-19 started in Las Vegas
Because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
Alexa, where's my dad?
Alexa-Your dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas.
Young Boy-Ha, got ya Alexa ! My Dad is sitting here right next to me.
Alexa-Your mothers husband is sitting here right next to you. Your Dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas.
Magic Show
During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled, "How'd you do that?" "I could tell you, sir," the magician answered, "But then I'd have to kill you."
After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then, just tell my wife!"
Five Hundred Bucks
A trucker who has been on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!" The madam is astonished. "But, sir, for that kind of money, you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."
Why was rudolf the reindeer so angry?
Because his wife went to Las Vegas and blew 50 bucks.
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.
Where the hell do you think you're going? he says.
I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free.
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.
Where do you think you going? the wife asks.
I'm coming with you…I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!
What kind of melon can't get married in Las Vegas?
Cantaloupe
...I'm sorry.
Slots
A woman is on vacation in Las Vegas, playing the slot machines. It's her first time in a casino, so she asks a casino employee, "How does this work?" The worker shows her how to insert a bill, how to hit the spin button, and to operate the machine's release handle. "And where does the money come out?" the woman asks.
The casino employee smiles, motions to the far wall, and says, "Usually at the ATM."
Got my wife during the game last night
Hit my wife with this yesterday during the game, paraphrasing:
Wife: so it's the Los Angeles Chargers now?
Me: yeah they moved the team a few years ago
Wife: but aren't the raiders Los Angeles?
Me: no it's Las Vegas
Wife: oh I got the Los and Las mixed up
Me: hmm I guess you're at a Los for words
She didn't like it as much as I did :D
First time in Vegas
I stayed for one night. Checked out in the morning, the bill was $250, and they had added resort fees, and I asked what the heck is that for?! She said the hotel had a pool and internet here and available for use. I said I didnt even use them! She said Well they were here and available and you could've used them.
So I just wrote out a check, but made it out for $50 and handed it to her. She said: Sir this check is for only $50.
I said That's right! I charged you $200 for sleeping with me.
But I didn't! she said.
I said: Well I was here and available, and you could have!
When in rome do what the romans do!
when in vegas do what the vegans do!
Old joke: I went to Vegas in a $20k car ...
and returned in a $200k Greyhound bus
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the vegas fallon jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working vegas casino piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.