Vegas Jokes

What are some Vegas jokes?

Kevin Spacey is trying to get a new position in Vegas,...

Blackjack Dealer

Because they hit on anything under 17.

Do you know what Sin City is?

Person 1: Do you know what Sin City is?


Person 2: Las Vegas


Person 1: Do you know what the Windy City is?


Person 2: Chicago


Person 1: Do you know what Den City is?


Person 2: ...


Person 1: Mass over volume

A man comes home to find his wife packing...

He says "Hunny, what are you doing"

"I'm leaving you and going to Vegas!"

"Why?"

"I heard you can make $400 a blow job out there!"

The husband starts packing and his wife asks, "What are you doing?"

"I'm coming with you! I want to see how you live on $800 a year!"

Going to Vegas

A man comes home from work to find his wife packing her things. "What are you doing?" he asks.
His wife replies, "I'm leaving you and moving to Las Vegas. I hear that men will pay me $500 to do to them what I do to you for free."
The man says nothing, walks over to the closet, grabs his suitcase and begins packing his things.
"What do you think you're doing?" his wife asks.
The man replies, "I'm going to Vegas. I want to see how you're going to live off of $500 a year."

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.

Working holiday

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.

"Where are you going?" he asks.

"I'm going to Las Vegas. I can earn $200 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do for you for free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.

"Where are you going?" the wife asks.

"I'm coming with you. I want to see how you can live on $200 a year."

A physicist was in Las Vegas

Tour guide: Las Vegas is also known as Sin City.

Physicist: Do you know what Den City is though?

Tour guide: No, I don't know.

Physicist: Mass over volume.

I'll see myself out.

Why did the Dalai Lama visit Las Vegas?

Tibet

How do you leave Vegas with 1 million?

Come with 2 million

So there's a little guy sitting at a bar....(heard this years ago, hope it isn't a repost)

...when a much larger, muscular guy walks in who seems to have a chip on his shoulder. The big guy sits down next to the little guy and orders a beer, after a bit the big guy jumps up and completely out of nowhere punches the little guy, knocking him to the floor. "That's boxing, from Las Vegas."

The little guy picks himself up off the floor, dusts himself off, gets back on his stool and just quietly goes back to his drink. The big guy also sits back down, but after a few minutes he gets back up and kicks the little guy who slides all the way to the end of the bar. "That's karate, from Japan."

Again, the little fellow just quietly gets up, goes back to his seat, and resumes drinking. A few more minutes go by and the big fella gets up a third time, grabs the little dude, and throws him right into the door of the bar. "That's kung fu, from China."

This time, however, the little guy gets up and just walks out. After some time he walks back in, right up behind the big guy, and cracks him over the head, laying him unconscious in the floor. The little guy looks at the bartender and says "You tell that sonofabitch when he wakes up that that was crowbar, from Sears and Roebuck."

A mid 30's guy is grocery shopping, and a 20 something blonde catches his eye.

She looks very familiar, but he can't remember where he met her. When they moved closer, she said to him, "Hi - I think you're the father of one of my children."

The guy freaks out. He says, "I've only cheated on my wife 3 times - in Vegas 5 years ago, in Orlando 4 years ago, and in Seattle 3 years ago. You look familiar, but I just can't remember. Who are you?"

She says, "I'm your son's Sunday school teacher."

Go to Las Vegas

There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.''
He ignores the voice. Later in the day, he hears the voice again. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.''
Again, he ignores the voice. Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and move to Las Vegas.''
He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, ''Go to Caesar's Palace.''
He goes to Caesar's Palace and the voice says, ''Make your way to the roulette tables.''
He goes to the roulette tables and the voice says, ''Put all your money on red 23.''
He puts all his money on red 23. The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up black 17.
The voice says, ''Fuck!''

I just spent two weeks in Vegas looking for my wife's killer...

but no one would do it.

The Pope visits Las Vegas

The Pope was making a widely publicised and controversial visit to Las Vegas. His publicity advisors warned him that the trip would be fraught with risks, but the holy man insisted that the gambling capital of the world was exactly the kind of place that the church should be trying to spread its message. After a long flight, the Pope stepped off the plane to find himself face to face with a horde of television cameras and newspaper journalists. One eager young news hound thrust a microphone at the Pope and asked, "Pope, what is your opinion of the large numbers of brothels in this city?" Mindful of the warnings he'd received from his advisors, he thought carefully for a second and replied tactfully, "Are there any brothels in this city?" The next day he was distraught to see the newspaper's headline which read "Pope's first question: 'Are there any brothels in this city?'"

So a man walks into a bar in Las Vegas

He orders ten consecutive shots, and drinks them all within 45 seconds. The bartender says, "What's with the rush?" and the man replies, "You'd drink this fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" and the man replies quickly, "45 cents."

A man comes home from work to see his wife packing her things.....

"What are you doing?", the man asks.
"I'm leaving you", the woman replies. "I just found out that I can make fifty dollars in Las Vegas for what I've been doing for you for free".
The man stands in silence for a moment and then leaves the room.
The wife, puzzled, follows him to the other room to find him packing his things.
"What are you doing?", the wife asks.
The man answers, "I'm coming with you. I gotta see how you're going to live off fifty dollars a month".

Guys Trip to Vegas

My wife asked me after our guys trip to Vegas if I had thought of her while I was there. Apparently, "only to keep from coming too soon" was not a very good answer.

I bought a second hand deck of cards from a casino in Las Vegas, but after 4 weeks they hadn't arrived.

When I asked for an update, they said they were still dealing with my order.

A New Yorker, a Nebraskan, a Georgian, and a Floridian were driving to Vegas...

After a few hours in the car, the Nebraskan suddenly rolls down his window, opens his bag, and starts chucking corn out the window.

"What are you doing that for?", the others exclaim.

"Back in Nebraska, everywhere I look I see corn. I'm going on vacation and I don't want to see any corn for a couple weeks."

The Georgian replies, "you know what? You're right; I'm sick of seeing peaches all over Georgia. I don't know why I brought them with me." He opens his window and dumps his bag of peaches out.

The Floridian, feeling inspired, opens the door and kicks the New Yorker out.

A man is walking down the Vegas strip...

...and he is approached by guy in a threadbare suit, who says, "Please, mister, I really need your help. My wife, she needs an operation, and I was just told today, if she doesn't get it, she's going to die! My dear wife, the love of my life, might die! Please, anything you can give me would help. Anything at all."

The man says "C'mon, man, look around you. How do I know you're not going to take anything I give you and gamble with it?"

The panhandler says, "Oh, I ***got*** gambling money."

Original joke. Hey! I tried.

I got this friend, he and I can't agree on anything. It's a constant battle.
We go on a trip together every year and this year, after much debate, we decided to take a trip to Las Vegas.
So, we're enjoying our first night in Vegas, we're both a little drunk and my buddy says, "Hey, let's get a hooker." I'm pretty drunk too, so I agree.
We go to a brothel and of course it takes us forever to agree on a girl, but we finally do. A nice young girl named Paige.
So, we go to the room, we all get undressed and start going at it. My buddy and I are both pounding away, I finally catch his eye and I say, "Hey! I'm glad to see we're finally on the same Paige!"

If there's ever a zombie apocalypse, I really hope it starts in Vegas

Because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

"Do you know what sin city is?"

"Yeah, that's Las Vegas"

"But do you know what Den City is"

"No"

"Mass over volume"

Gambling in Vegas

My friend came back from Las Vegas once. He told me the slot machines are easy to win big at. He went to town in a $20,000 Nissan, left in a $360,000 Porsche.

I thought "nice, I'm going to get in on that." So I left for Vegas in my $30,000 Toyota. Came back in a $800,000 vehicle.

A Greyhound bus.

A newly ordained priest is sent to Las Vegas, to be the leader of a small congregation in a seedy area.

That evening, he is walking down the street outside the church, when he is approached by a prostitute, who says to him, "Hey father, you want a blow job? Only 50 bucks." He gets embarrased because he doesn't know what she's talking about, but given how she's dressed, he declines.

The next day he meets the senior nun in the church, and asks her, "Sister, what's a blow job?"

She replies, "50 bucks, same as on the Strip."

taxi cab

A businessman takes a vacation in Vegas. He has a horrible run of luck, and spends his life savings and maxes out his credit cards. All he has left is his airline ticket home.

Getting into a taxi, he explains his plight to the cabbie. He offers to leave his drivers license or anything else until he can mail the fare to the taxi driver.

"You ain't got ten bucks for the cab fare to the airport? Get out of my cab!" yelled the taxi driver.

The man walks to the airport, flies home, and for the next year, he works very hard, and builds back his fortune. He goes back to Vegas, and this time he wins big.

Feeling good about himself, he steps out of his hotel to leave for the airport. At the end of a long line of taxis, he sees the cab driver who refused to help him last year in his hour of need.

He immediately figures out a way to get even with this guy.

He gets into the first taxi and asks what the fare to the airport is. "Ten dollars." says the driver. He then asks how much for a blow job. "What? Get out of my cab."

He proceeds down the line of taxis repeating the process and getting the same results.

He finally gets into the cab with his old friend, and asks him how much to get to the airport. "Ten bucks," says the driver. "Good." he says to the driver.

And as they cruise past all the other drivers in their cabs, he gives them all a smile and a thumbs up.

My Vietnamese roommate is moving to Vegas (giving me a place to crash in Vegas), and leaving behind a full bedroom set for free...

This is a real Nguyen-Nguyen situation for me.

The Stanley Cup final will feature a morally bankrupt city, that is built on corruption, greed, and deceit...

Against Las Vegas.

A girl gets fired from her job with a Vegas outcall massage service

Seems she rubbed too many guys the wrong way.

Glasgow has a lot in common with Las Vegas.

I mean, for one in both places you can pay for sex with chips.

As soon as they had finished making love, Susie jumped up from the bed and started packing her suitcase

"What on earth are you doing?" asked her puzzled husband.

"In Las Vegas I could get two hundred dollars for what I just gave you for free," she pointed out, "so I'm moving to Las Vegas."

This was enough to provoke her husband to jump up and begin packing *his* bags.

"What are you up to?" asked Susie in surprise.

"I'm following you to Las Vegas," he replied. "I've *got* to see you live off six hundred dollars a year."

Voice from above

There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice from above. The voice says, ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.''

He ignores the voice. Later in the day, he hears the voice again. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.''

Again, he ignores the voice. Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and move to Las Vegas.''

He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, ''Go to Caesar's Palace.''

He goes to Caesar's Palace and the voice says, ''Make your way to the roulette tables.''

He goes to the roulette tables and the voice says, ''Put all your money on red 23.''

He puts all his money on red 23. The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up black 17.

The voice says, ''Damn!"

How do you win a small fortune in Las Vegas?

By spending a large fortune.

What's the similarities between Las Vegas and Manchester?

You can pay for the prostitutes using chips

I went to this cool new restaurant in Vegas, the server woman came out nude with the menu painted all over her body.

She asked if I was ready to order, I said I know what I want, but I just can't put my finger on it.

Pacquiao wanted the fight to take place in the Philippines, but Mayweather insisted on Las Vegas.

I guess he likes his venues just like he likes his violence...Domestic.

I drove to Vegas in a $25,000 Chevy and came home in a $250,000 vehicle

A greyhound bus.

Early, but here's one for the Holidays.

The Annual Chess-Lovers Convention was in full swing. This year, the highly-anticipated event was hosted by the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. Expert players and avid enthusiasts gathered from all around the world for the occasion.

The afternoon of the first day, a heated debate broke out in the main atrium of the hotel. Two very experienced players started pompously arguing over whose opening strategies were better. As the argument progressed, more people joined in to voice their opinions. The atrium erupted in quite a disruption! Security guards intervened to break it up at the Hotel Manager's direction. He demanded the lot be forcibly removed from the hotel!

"Mr. Manager," one of the security guards spoke up. "You don't think that's overreacting a bit? It was just an argument. No one was hurt or anything."

"I don't care!" the manager declared. "I can't stand Chess Nuts Boasting in an Open Foyer!"

Two stoned cows

What do you call two stoned cows in Las Vegas?

High steaks.

Two Melons Fall In Love

The guy says, I love you so much, my sweet little honey dew. I don't want to wait. Let's run away to Vegas together.

The girl replies, No, baby. I cantaloupe.

Three men on a deserted island find a genie.

The genie will grant the men three wishes, so they decide to take a wish each. The first man wishes to be home with his family and his wish is granted. The second man wishes to be in Vegas with many beautiful women and his wish is granted. The third man says "I'm getting kind of lonely, I wish those guys were here with me again."

A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags and asks her where she's going.

"To Las Vegas. I found out there are men who will pay me $400 to do what I do to you for free."

The man started packing his bags. "Where are you going?" she asked.

"I'm going to Las Vegas with you. I want to see how you'll live on $800 a year."

Everyone knows that Las Vegas is Sin City. But do you know what is Den City?

p = m/V


mass/volume

A couple from Alabama get married...

They go off to Las Vegas for their honeymoon. Once they get settled in their hotel room, they start getting ready for their big night.

The guy comes out of the shower and starts walking towards her on the bed. She says, "This is my first time so be gentle". He get all kinds of angry, gets dressed, packs his stuff, and leaves.

About three weeks later, he's still at home and won't call his new wife. His dad gives him space, but eventually asks him what's wrong.

The guy says, "well Dad, she was a virgin".

His dad replies, "That's alright son. If she ain't good enough for her family, she ain't good enough for ours".

A man is sitting at a bar in Las Vegas, crying.

The Bartender notices him and asks him what's wrong.

The man answers:''I lost over 50 grand this weekend betting on sports. I Went 0-8 in Baseball, 0-13 in Basketball, 0-6 In Football and 0-9 in Soccer."

The bartender, in disbelief, tries to soothe the man:"Have you ever tried betting on Hockey?"

The man quickly responds:"Of course not. I don't know anything about hockey!"

Why don't casinos in Las Vegas hire girls from California?

Because they, like, can't even deal.

A family of cockroaches has been traveling up and down the Vegas strip for several months.

Their time was spent visiting the many hotels and resorts that Vegas has to offer.

They only stayed at each hotel for a few weeks before moving on, because they didnt want to attract the attention of exterminators. However, by the third month of this nomadic lifestyle, the parent roaches started disagreeing on what their next move was.

Mother cockroach- well honey, I really do think we should keep moving! traveling this much isn't good for the kids! how do you think they feel, having to switch roach schools every few weeks?!

papa roach- this is my last resort

A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas.

Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"
A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?"
He walks away. Moments later, he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table.
Maybe, she won!
Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
The croupier replies, "I don't know, buddy.... She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!

So a man and a woman are having a fight

A Man and a woman are having a fight. Woman marches up to their room and starts to pack her bags. "Where are you going?" he asks.
"I'm moving to Vegas. i hear i can make $400 doing what i do for you for free" the Man starts to pack his bags too. "I'm coming with you. I've got to see how you're going to survive in Vegas on $800 a year.

Your last spring break?

Three students are sitting in an apartment.

One of them asks: "Where did you spend your last spring break?"

Another replies: "I was in Monaco, partying with the biggest hotties in the world.".

The first one then tells him: "I was gambling in Las Vegas, and I won over 5 million bucks.".

The third student then replies: "And I was in the same shithole as both of you, but I didn't smoke that stuff!".

A teacher says to a boy: "Answer one question i'm gonna give you and you can go home."

Boy :"Ok."
Teacher:"What state is Las Vegas located in?"
Boy:"That state"
Teacher:"What state exactly?"
Boy:"Woah, that's already the second question."

Awkward silence

Scenario: Jack is standing on Las Vegas strip asking all the passing by girls, you know for what.

Jack: 50 dollars.

Everyone ignoring. And suddenly...

Girl: How about 500?

Jack: 500? Sure.

Went to hotel and had amazing sex. And after sex...

Jack: Wow that was great. So how would you like to pay?

Awkward silence!!!

What does Las Vegas have in common with Scotland?

Not a lot, but in both you can pay for sex with chips.

There's this shopkeeper named John...

His business is doing beautifully. One day, a heavenly voice calls out to him, "John, sell your shop."

He says, "What?"

"John. Sell your shop."

John, not going to question a heavenly voice calling out to him, does so for several hundred thousand dollars. Then, "John, go to Vegas."

John has no idea what this is leading to but goes to a casino in Vegas anyway. "Go to a Blackjack table." Ok. He goes to the nearest Blackjack table. "Put all of the shop's money on this next hand." John, confident in the voice, puts down all of his money in this next hand.

John is dealt a 19 with the dealer showing a 6. It looks good for John. Then, "Take a hit, John."

"But-"

"Take a hit, John."

John hits. An ace turns up. 20. John's going to win. "Take another hit."

John gets really nervous. "Take another hit." John takes the hit. He can't even bare to watch. The card comes down. He opens his eyes. 21.

The voice exclaims,"Un-fucking-believable!"

My friend is addicted to visiting Vegas and watching craps in a casino for hours.

Then one day, security dragged him out of the bathroom

STILL THE KING

I think the best analogy for where we are right now is that America is Elvis Presley -- the most beautiful, talented, rebellious nation in the history of Earth. And now, you're in your Vegas years. You've squeezed yourself into a white jumpsuit, you're wheezing your way through 'Love Me Tender' and you might be about to pass away bloated on the toilet. But you're still the King.

I can't trust my heart or my brain to tell me who the next President will be

But I can trust my Vegas bookie and will be talking to him in October

So two farmers were talking . . .

and Jed says to Zeb, "So, what are yeh going to do fer yer vacation this year?"

"Wall," says Zeb, "I figger I'll try somethin' different this year."

"What d'yeh mean different?"

"Wall, remember three years ago when I went to Disneyworld? My wife Earline got pregnant."

"Yep, I remember," says Jed.

"And then the next year I went to Vegas. And Earline got pregnant again."

"Yep."

"And then last year I went to New Orleans. And dang if Earline didn't get pregnant again!"

"Yep," says Jed. "So what're y'all gonna do different this year?"

Zeb says, "This year I'm takin' Earline with me!"

Two friends go to Vegas

But lost their wallets, between them they now only have $8.00.

The first friend says give me the money, I have a great idea

He goes into Walgreens and comes out with a bag

Second friend grabs it and looks inside and sees a box of tampons. He says that's great, you waste our last $8.00 on a box of tampons? What are we going to do now?

First friend says you got it all wrong! We're going to have a great time, look says right here on the box, we can go skydiving, horseback riding, skiing,rock climbing, we can do anything with these things!

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, what happens in Japan stays in Japan

Until she turns 18, that is.

Redd Foxx Classics (not too dirty)

- "What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom? A pickpocket snatches watches."

- "I've realized the importance of black. If you want to know how important black is, go to Las Vegas and get some white chips and get some black chips. You could have 70 lbs of white chips and can't get out of town. You get 2 lbs of black chips, you can go to Madrid."

- "We were poor. If I wasn't a boy, I wouldn't have had nothing to play with."

Why did the Dalai Lama go to Las Vegas?

Tibet

Vegas Disappointment

I came back from Vegas and my buddy asked me how it was. I said, "You know those places with the signs that say 'All nude inside'?" He nodded. I said, "Apparently, that's only if you work there."

Hung like a baby....

There was a man and a woman who fell in love and decided to get hitched in Vegas. Before they walked into the chapel, the woman turns to the man and says: " Before we go through with this there is something you should know about me, I am flat chested"

The man responds: " Oh baby don't you worry about that. That does not make me love you any less. You are perfect the way you are"

The man continues: " While were on this subject there is something you should know about me, I'm hung like a baby"

The woman responds: "Oh honey, don'y you worry about that, you are still by fay perfect!"

The couple marry and move on to their honeymoon suite. The woman takes off her shirt, she is as flat as a washboard. The man takes off his pants. When the woman looked at him she fainted. A couple of minutes later the woman comes to. She asked the man: "You said you were hung like a baby!?"

The man replies: "I am, 8 pounds, 21 inches."

The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit are discussing where to holiday...

The Holy Spirit, predictably, suggests Las Vegas, but God says he feels like a change this year.

God suggests Jerusalem, but Jesus vetoes - not after last time...

Jesus suggests The Vatican City. "Sounds good to me." says God. " Yeah I'd like that," says the Holy Spirit, "I've never been."

The Raiders are moving to Las Vegas

Most Oakland fans won't even be able to go to games now due to parole stipulations...

Me : Heard of Sin City?

GF : Las Vegas, right?

Me : Yeap, hw about Den City?

GF : What?

Me : Mass / Volume

They say the Vegas shooter was a white guy...

I was betting on black

I once had an altercation with a dealer in Vegas.

He really had a chip on his shoulder.

I got kicked out of a hallmark store in vegas

I was counting cards

Why are slot machines bad luck?

Because you can't gamble with your life in Las Vegas.

It's happening in Las Vegas and it's happening after the queen of England has taken a dump.

It's a Royal straight flush.

Just got back from Vegas.

You know those places they have there with the signs: ALL NUDE INSIDE ?

Just a tip. Turns out that's only if you work there.

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas...

hopefully with the exclusion of my money.

How to make Vegas jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Vegas to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Vegas? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Vegas pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes