vegas Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious vegas stories

What are the best Vegas puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Vegas? Well here is a complete list of Vegas to have fun with:

A woman is packing up and leaving her husband...

and tells him she's moving to Las Vegas. The husband asks, "Why Las Vegas?"

She says from what she understands, she can get $100 for every blowjob she gives. Upon telling her husband this he starts packing as well. The wife asks, "Where are you going?"

The husband says, "I'm going to Las Vegas too! I want to see how you can live off $200 a year!"

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A man comes home from work to see his wife packing her things.....

"What are you doing?", the man asks.
"I'm leaving you", the woman replies. "I just found out that I can make fifty dollars in Las Vegas for what I've been doing for you for free".
The man stands in silence for a moment and then leaves the room.
The wife, puzzled, follows him to the other room to find him packing his things.
"What are you doing?", the wife asks.
The man answers, "I'm coming with you. I gotta see how you're going to live off fifty dollars a month".

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A man comes home to find his wife packing...

He says "Hunny, what are you doing"

"I'm leaving you and going to Vegas!"

"Why?"

"I heard you can make $400 a blow job out there!"

The husband starts packing and his wife asks, "What are you doing?"

"I'm coming with you! I want to see how you live on $800 a year!"

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Going to Vegas

A man comes home from work to find his wife packing her things. "What are you doing?" he asks.
His wife replies, "I'm leaving you and moving to Las Vegas. I hear that men will pay me $500 to do to them what I do to you for free."
The man says nothing, walks over to the closet, grabs his suitcase and begins packing his things.
"What do you think you're doing?" his wife asks.
The man replies, "I'm going to Vegas. I want to see how you're going to live off of $500 a year."

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A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room...

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

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A man walks into his bedroom

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He says, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free!"

Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies... "I'm going to Vegas too. I want to see you live on $800 a year!"

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Why did the Dalai Lama visit Las Vegas?

Tibet

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a piece of what?

After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly, but where ah come from in Albama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."

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A mid 30's guy is grocery shopping, and a 20 something blonde catches his eye.

She looks very familiar, but he can't remember where he met her. When they moved closer, she said to him, "Hi - I think you're the father of one of my children."

The guy freaks out. He says, "I've only cheated on my wife 3 times - in Vegas 5 years ago, in Orlando 4 years ago, and in Seattle 3 years ago. You look familiar, but I just can't remember. Who are you?"

She says, "I'm your son's Sunday school teacher."

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I just spent two weeks in Vegas looking for my wife's killer...

but no one would do it.

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Guys Trip to Vegas

My wife asked me after our guys trip to Vegas if I had thought of her while I was there. Apparently, "only to keep from coming too soon" was not a very good answer.

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I bought a second hand deck of cards from a casino in Las Vegas, but after 4 weeks they hadn't arrived.

When I asked for an update, they said they were still dealing with my order.

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A man hears a ghostly voice

telling him to sell his house an all his possessions and take the money to Vegas. He complies and when he gets there the voice says, "go to the roulette table and put all your money on red." So he does and it lands on black. "Damn," says the ghostly voice.

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A blonde woman near the entry of a Las Vegas casino...

A blonde woman is standing near the entry way of a Las Vegas casino at a Coke machine. She puts in a dollar, hits the button, gets a Coke…puts in a dollar, hits the button, gets a Coke…puts in a dollar, hits the button, gets a Coke. A man interrupts and says, Excuse me maam, can I get in there and get a Coke? to which she responds, no, excuse ME asshole, can't you see I'm winning?!?!

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A girl gets fired from her job with a Vegas outcall massage service

Seems she rubbed too many guys the wrong way.

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How do you win a small fortune in Las Vegas?

By spending a large fortune.

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Voice from above

There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice from above. The voice says, ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.''

He ignores the voice. Later in the day, he hears the voice again. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.''

Again, he ignores the voice. Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and move to Las Vegas.''

He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, ''Go to Caesar's Palace.''

He goes to Caesar's Palace and the voice says, ''Make your way to the roulette tables.''

He goes to the roulette tables and the voice says, ''Put all your money on red 23.''

He puts all his money on red 23. The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up black 17.

The voice says, ''Damn!"

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Early, but here's one for the Holidays.

The Annual Chess-Lovers Convention was in full swing. This year, the highly-anticipated event was hosted by the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. Expert players and avid enthusiasts gathered from all around the world for the occasion.

The afternoon of the first day, a heated debate broke out in the main atrium of the hotel. Two very experienced players started pompously arguing over whose opening strategies were better. As the argument progressed, more people joined in to voice their opinions. The atrium erupted in quite a disruption! Security guards intervened to break it up at the Hotel Manager's direction. He demanded the lot be forcibly removed from the hotel!

"Mr. Manager," one of the security guards spoke up. "You don't think that's overreacting a bit? It was just an argument. No one was hurt or anything."

"I don't care!" the manager declared. "I can't stand Chess Nuts Boasting in an Open Foyer!"

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What is the difference between a circus side show and a Las Vegas floor show?

One has a cunning array of stunts, the other has a stunning array of cunts.

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Three men on a deserted island find a genie.

The genie will grant the men three wishes, so they decide to take a wish each. The first man wishes to be home with his family and his wish is granted. The second man wishes to be in Vegas with many beautiful women and his wish is granted. The third man says "I'm getting kind of lonely, I wish those guys were here with me again."

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Awkward silence

Scenario: Jack is standing on Las Vegas strip asking all the passing by girls, you know for what.

Jack: 50 dollars.

Everyone ignoring. And suddenly...

Girl: How about 500?

Jack: 500? Sure.

Went to hotel and had amazing sex. And after sex...

Jack: Wow that was great. So how would you like to pay?

Awkward silence!!!

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There's this shopkeeper named John...

His business is doing beautifully. One day, a heavenly voice calls out to him, "John, sell your shop."

He says, "What?"

"John. Sell your shop."

John, not going to question a heavenly voice calling out to him, does so for several hundred thousand dollars. Then, "John, go to Vegas."

John has no idea what this is leading to but goes to a casino in Vegas anyway. "Go to a Blackjack table." Ok. He goes to the nearest Blackjack table. "Put all of the shop's money on this next hand." John, confident in the voice, puts down all of his money in this next hand.

John is dealt a 19 with the dealer showing a 6. It looks good for John. Then, "Take a hit, John."

"But-"

"Take a hit, John."

John hits. An ace turns up. 20. John's going to win. "Take another hit."

John gets really nervous. "Take another hit." John takes the hit. He can't even bare to watch. The card comes down. He opens his eyes. 21.

The voice exclaims,"Un-fucking-believable!"

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Why did the Dalai Lama go to Las Vegas?

Tibet

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Redd Foxx Classics (not too dirty)

- "What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom? A pickpocket snatches watches."

- "I've realized the importance of black. If you want to know how important black is, go to Las Vegas and get some white chips and get some black chips. You could have 70 lbs of white chips and can't get out of town. You get 2 lbs of black chips, you can go to Madrid."

- "We were poor. If I wasn't a boy, I wouldn't have had nothing to play with."

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Las Vegas Floor Show

What is the difference between a circus side show and a Las Vegas floor show?


One has a cunning array of stunts the other has a stunning array of cunts.

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The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit are discussing where to holiday...

The Holy Spirit, predictably, suggests Las Vegas, but God says he feels like a change this year.

God suggests Jerusalem, but Jesus vetoes - not after last time...

Jesus suggests The Vatican City. "Sounds good to me." says God. " Yeah I'd like that," says the Holy Spirit, "I've never been."

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Hung like a baby....

There was a man and a woman who fell in love and decided to get hitched in Vegas. Before they walked into the chapel, the woman turns to the man and says: " Before we go through with this there is something you should know about me, I am flat chested"

The man responds: " Oh baby don't you worry about that. That does not make me love you any less. You are perfect the way you are"

The man continues: " While were on this subject there is something you should know about me, I'm hung like a baby"

The woman responds: "Oh honey, don'y you worry about that, you are still by fay perfect!"

The couple marry and move on to their honeymoon suite. The woman takes off her shirt, she is as flat as a washboard. The man takes off his pants. When the woman looked at him she fainted. A couple of minutes later the woman comes to. She asked the man: "You said you were hung like a baby!?"

The man replies: "I am, 8 pounds, 21 inches."

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A Las Vegas joke

Criss Angel

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What does Tupak Shakur have in common with Lethal Weapon 4?

Both were shot in Vegas

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A suicide bomber goes to Las Vegas to try his luck at the slot machines....

....he hit the jackpot, and now he's all over the place.

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Vegas are okay with eating brain-dead animals.

"It's okay, this sausage was a vegetable."

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The next World Cup is going to be held in Nevada

FIFA Las Vegas

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Getting into University

With the deadline approaching, the President of a Las Vegas University goes to see the new Dean of Admissions. He finds her at table with many large stacks of applications. Exasperated, she tells him that they have far too many outstanding candidates for the remaining few slots. After a moment's reflection, the President reaches into his jacket pocket, pulls out a pair of dice and tosses them on the table. Coming up 3 and 1, the President puts a paper weight on the fourth stack and then sweeps all others off the table into the trash. He explains, "We don't admit unlucky students."

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Fake out your friends! I Got Married in Vegas! jk | Happily never after!

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Mayweather vs. Pacquio

May the weather be good in Vegas and you have Pack-your-bag know-how.

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3 guys stranded on an island

, they find a magic Lamp.. the first guy makes a wish .. I wish I was off this island and be with my wife and children..POOF Hes at home with wife and kids ..2nd guy wishes he was in vegas with a bunch of women and lots of money POOF he's in Vegas .. 3rd Guy Grabs the lamp Dam I miss My friends... POOF

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Chill white dude from Vegas showing some love lol

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18 Daughters Joke

Three men went Las Vegas and after a losing their money at the blackjack tables, the best friends decided to stay off the strip in a not so lavish hotel and the guy that owned it had 18 daughters so the first man went up to they're father and said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" the father said "no but you can sleep with the pigs." the second man went to the father and said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" the father said " no but you can sleep with the cows." the third man said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" the father said "yes." so in the morning the three men and the father had a conversation over breakfast the first man said "I slept like a pig" the second man said "I slept like a cow" the third man said "I felt like a golfer" the father asked why? he said cause I got my balls in 18 holes

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A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.
"How much for a hand-job?"
"$5,000" she replies.
"$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way."
"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a restaurant. "You see this restaurant? I own this restaurant because men pay me $5,000 for hand jobs."
He ponders for a moment. "Damn, they must be pretty good then. Alright." He brings her back to his hotel room. Gets the hand job, and as advertised; it is the best hand job he has ever had. After he finishes, he realizes how perfect she is and asks. "Okay, that was awesome. How much for a blow job?"
"$15,000" she replies.
"$15,000?!? You are out of your mind. No way!" He shouts
"Come to the window." They walk to the window and she begins to point. "You see those three casinos? I own those casinos because men pay me $15,000 for blow jobs."
"Fine, how can i say no?"
Once again, it is the best blow job of his life. He is writhing in ecstasy after finishing, and practically in love with this woman. "Okay, I am gonna regret this. How much for the pussy?"
"Come to the window." He follows her to the window, ready for anything. "Do you see all of Las Vegas?" She asks.
"No way! You own all of Las Vegas?!" He exclaims, astounded.
"No.." she looks down. " But I would if I had a pussy..."

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A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.

"How much for a hand-job?"

"5,000$" she replies.

"5,000$?? You must be nuts, no way."

"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a restaurant. "You see this restaurant? I own this restaurant because men pay me 5,000$ for hand jobs."

He ponders for a moment. "Damn, they must be pretty good then. Alright." He brings her back to his hotel room. Gets the hand job, and as advertised; it is the best hand job he has ever had. After he finishes, he realizes how perfect she is and asks. "Okay, that was awesome. How much for a blow job?"

"15,000$" she replies.

"15,000$?!? You are out of your mind. No way!" He shouts

"Come to the window." They walk to the window and she begins to point. "You see those three casinos? I own those casinos because men pay me 15,000$ for blow jobs."

"Fine, how can i say no?"

Once again, it is the best blow job of his life. He is writhing in ecstasy after finishing, and practically in love with this woman. "Okay, I am gonna regret this. How much for the pussy?"

"Come to the window." He follows her to the window, ready for anything. "Do you see all of Las Vegas?" She asks.

"No way! You own all of Las Vegas?!" He exclaims, astounded.

"No.." she looks down. " But I would if I had a pussy..."

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A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas.

Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"
A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?"
He walks away. Moments later, he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table.
Maybe, she won!
Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
The croupier replies, "I don't know, buddy.... She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble And he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.
He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver.
So, he gets in the first cab.
"How much is it to the airport?" He asks.
The driver says, "$15"
"Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?"
The cab driver says, "Get the fuck out of my cab."
So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to airport?"
"$15"
"Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?"
And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab.
He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip.
He asks, "hey how much to the airport?"
Driver responds, "$15"
The guy hands him $15 and says "great let's go"
And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.

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This is more of an analogy but still considered just as funny

I remember Las Vegas clearly

As clearly as the bras on their woman

Like it was absolutely nothing

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Best way to keep your money from the casinos in Las Vegas?

When you get off the plane, walk into the propellers!! its that easy...

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A man approaches a prostitute on the strip in Las Vegas....

The prostitute says," I give the best hand-jobs in Las Vegas, $1000.00."

Shaking his head the man begins to walk away, but the whore stops him. "If it's not the best you ever had I'll give you a full refund!"

They walk in an alley and appear two minutes later. The man says," That was the best, how much for a blowjob?"

"Meet me in my suite in the Rio tomorrow and I'll give you one"

"You have a suite in the Rio?" The man asks.

"Yea my permanent suite because I give the best blowjobs in Las Vagas!.....$5000.00"

The next night as the man pulls up his pants he asks,"if the blowjob is that good, how much for the pussy??"

The hooker walks to the window and points towards old Vegas.

"Don't tell me you own one of those casinos!!" Says the man.

"No, but if I had a pussy I would".......

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taxi cab

A businessman takes a vacation in Vegas. He has a horrible run of luck, and spends his life savings and maxes out his credit cards. All he has left is his airline ticket home.

Getting into a taxi, he explains his plight to the cabbie. He offers to leave his drivers license or anything else until he can mail the fare to the taxi driver.

"You ain't got ten bucks for the cab fare to the airport? Get out of my cab!" yelled the taxi driver.

The man walks to the airport, flies home, and for the next year, he works very hard, and builds back his fortune. He goes back to Vegas, and this time he wins big.

Feeling good about himself, he steps out of his hotel to leave for the airport. At the end of a long line of taxis, he sees the cab driver who refused to help him last year in his hour of need.

He immediately figures out a way to get even with this guy.

He gets into the first taxi and asks what the fare to the airport is. "Ten dollars." says the driver. He then asks how much for a blow job. "What? Get out of my cab."

He proceeds down the line of taxis repeating the process and getting the same results.

He finally gets into the cab with his old friend, and asks him how much to get to the airport. "Ten bucks," says the driver. "Good." he says to the driver.

And as they cruise past all the other drivers in their cabs, he gives them all a smile and a thumbs up.

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What does Tupac Shakur and Oceans 13 have in common?...

They were both shot in Vegas!

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Founding father fidelity

George Washington, Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin were very close friends. So close indeed, that they decided to move into the same house and have fun living in their new free country.

Once Washington had to go to Las Vegas on a business trip, but he had big suspicions that one of his best friends were cheating on him with his wife. So to test this, he secretly hid a couple razor blades in the folds of his wife's privates before leaving.

When he was back two days later, everyone in the home was having dinner and he saw a big bandage on Ben's crotch. He went to him and slapped him, saying, "Ben you double-crossing bastard!" and then he turned to Jefferson. He hugged him and said, "Jeff, did you see what Ben had done!"

Jeff murmured, "buh buh blah! buh buh blah blah!"

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As soon as they had finished making love, Susie jumped up from the bed and started packing her suitcase

"What on earth are you doing?" asked her puzzled husband.

"In Las Vegas I could get two hundred dollars for what I just gave you for free," she pointed out, "so I'm moving to Las Vegas."

This was enough to provoke her husband to jump up and begin packing *his* bags.

"What are you up to?" asked Susie in surprise.

"I'm following you to Las Vegas," he replied. "I've *got* to see you live off six hundred dollars a year."

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The 3rd grade teacher was asking her students what they wanted to be when they grow up. It was Johnny's turn…



Johnny: I wanna be a billionaire and go to expensive clubs. Find a bitch there, buy her a million dollar apartment in Vegas.
Get her a Ferrari. Buy her a beach house in Miami , a jet to fly with, get her expensive jewelry and have sex with her 3 times a day
.
The teacher was lost of words and didn't know what to do. She just proceeded along and asked Marie what she wanted to be.

Marie replied: "Without a doubt ma'am, I'd like to be Johnny's bitch!!"

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CONCLUSION

You've read some of the best vegas jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty vegas gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these vegas jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

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