Vegas Jokes

A mid 30's guy is grocery shopping, and a 20 something blonde catches his eye.

She looks very familiar, but he can't remember where he met her. When they moved closer, she said to him, "Hi - I think you're the father of one of my children."
The guy freaks out. He says, "I've only cheated on my wife 3 times - in Vegas 5 years ago, in Orlando 4 years ago, and in Seattle 3 years ago. You look familiar, but I just can't remember. Who are you?"
She says, "I'm your son's Sunday school teacher."

Three men on a deserted island find a genie.

The genie will grant the men three wishes, so they decide to take a wish each. The first man wishes to be home with his family and his wish is granted. The second man wishes to be in Vegas with many beautiful women and his wish is granted. The third man says "I'm getting kind of lonely, I wish those guys were here with me again."

What does Tupak Shakur have in common with Lethal Weapon 4?

Both were shot in Vegas

The next World Cup is going to be held in Nevada

FIFA Las Vegas

Redd Foxx Classics (not too dirty)

- "What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom? A pickpocket snatches watches."
- "I've realized the importance of black. If you want to know how important black is, go to Las Vegas and get some white chips and get some black chips. You could have 70 lbs of white chips and can't get out of town. You get 2 lbs of black chips, you can go to Madrid."
- "We were poor. If I wasn't a boy, I wouldn't have had nothing to play with."

The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit are discussing where to holiday...

The Holy Spirit, predictably, suggests Las Vegas, but God says he feels like a change this year.
God suggests Jerusalem, but Jesus vetoes - not after last time...
Jesus suggests The Vatican City. "Sounds good to me." says God. " Yeah I'd like that," says the Holy Spirit, "I've never been."

A s**... bomber goes to Las Vegas to try his luck at the slot machines....

....he hit the jackpot, and now he's all over the place.

Going to Vegas

A man comes home from work to find his wife packing her things. "What are you doing?" he asks.
His wife replies, "I'm leaving you and moving to Las Vegas. I hear that men will pay me $500 to do to them what I do to you for free."
The man says nothing, walks over to the closet, grabs his suitcase and begins packing his things.
"What do you think you're doing?" his wife asks.
The man replies, "I'm going to Vegas. I want to see how you're going to live off of $500 a year."

Vegas are okay with eating brain-dead animals.

"It's okay, this sausage was a vegetable."

If there's ever a zombie outbreak, it should happen in Las Vegas

Because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas...

hopefully with the exclusion of my money.

If there's ever a zombie apocalypse, I really hope it starts in Vegas

Because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

Why did the watermelon and the honeydew decide to cancel their spontaneous wedding in Las Vegas?

They realized with a family like theirs, they really Cantaloupe.

So a man walks into a bar in Las Vegas

He orders ten consecutive shots, and drinks them all within 45 seconds. The bartender says, "What's with the rush?" and the man replies, "You'd drink this fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" and the man replies quickly, "45 cents."

What does Las Vegas have in common with Scotland?

Not a lot, but in both you can pay for s**... with chips.

I can't trust my heart or my brain to tell me who the next President will be

But I can trust my Vegas b**... and will be talking to him in October

I once had an altercation with a dealer in Vegas.

He really had a chip on his shoulder.

My Vietnamese roommate is moving to Vegas (giving me a place to c**... in Vegas), and leaving behind a full bedroom set for free...

This is a real Nguyen-Nguyen situation for me.

Gambling in Vegas

My friend came back from Las Vegas once. He told me the slot machines are easy to win big at. He went to town in a $20,000 Nissan, left in a $360,000 Porsche.
I thought "nice, I'm going to get in on that." So I left for Vegas in my $30,000 Toyota. Came back in a $800,000 vehicle.
A Greyhound bus.

You hear the one about the kid in Las Vegas?

He asks his dad, "Pop, why can't I go out in the street and play football and baseball like the other kids?" And his father says, "Keep dealing."

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, what happens in Japan stays in Japan

Until she turns 18, that is.

A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags and asks her where she's going.

"To Las Vegas. I found out there are men who will pay me $400 to do what I do to you for free."
The man started packing his bags. "Where are you going?" she asked.
"I'm going to Las Vegas with you. I want to see how you'll live on $800 a year."

Did you hear about the two tornados in Las Vegas?

They decided to elope after a whirlwind romance!

Glasgow has a lot in common with Las Vegas.

I mean, for one in both places you can pay for s**... with chips.

Did you hear about the guy that got arrested in Vegas for helping people learn to gamble?

He was charged with aiding a betting.

Two s**... cows

What do you call two s**... cows in Las Vegas?
High steaks.

A physicist was in Las Vegas

Tour guide: Las Vegas is also known as Sin City.
Physicist: Do you know what Den City is though?
Tour guide: No, I don't know.
Physicist: Mass over volume.
I'll see myself out.

Vegas Disappointment

I came back from Vegas and my buddy asked me how it was. I said, "You know those places with the signs that say 'All n**... inside'?" He nodded. I said, "Apparently, that's only if you work there."

So a man and a woman are having a fight

A Man and a woman are having a fight. Woman marches up to their room and starts to pack her bags. "Where are you going?" he asks.
"I'm moving to Vegas. i hear i can make $400 doing what i do for you for free" the Man starts to pack his bags too. "I'm coming with you. I've got to see how you're going to survive in Vegas on $800 a year.

A man is sitting at a bar in Las Vegas, crying.

The Bartender notices him and asks him what's wrong.
The man answers:''I lost over 50 grand this weekend betting on sports. I Went 0-8 in Baseball, 0-13 in Basketball, 0-6 In Football and 0-9 in Soccer."
The bartender, in disbelief, tries to soothe the man:"Have you ever tried betting on Hockey?"
The man quickly responds:"Of course not. I don't know anything about hockey!"

STILL THE KING

I think the best analogy for where we are right now is that America is Elvis Presley -- the most beautiful, talented, rebellious nation in the history of Earth. And now, you're in your Vegas years. You've squeezed yourself into a white jumpsuit, you're wheezing your way through 'Love Me Tender' and you might be about to pass away bloated on the toilet. But you're still the King.

A teacher says to a boy: "Answer one question i'm gonna give you and you can go home."

Boy :"Ok."
Teacher:"What state is Las Vegas located in?"
Boy:"That state"
Teacher:"What state exactly?"
Boy:"Woah, that's already the second question."

They say the Vegas shooter was a white guy...

I was betting on black

Your last spring break?

Three students are sitting in an apartment.
One of them asks: "Where did you spend your last spring break?"
Another replies: "I was in Monaco, partying with the biggest hotties in the world.".
The first one then tells him: "I was gambling in Las Vegas, and I won over 5 million bucks.".
The third student then replies: "And I was in the same s**... as both of you, but I didn't smoke that stuff!".

How do you know your in Las Vegas

When the s**... club has a splash zone

Two Melons Fall In Love

The guy says, I love you so much, my sweet little honey dew. I don't want to wait. Let's run away to Vegas together.
The girl replies, No, baby. I cantaloupe.

Why do teachers from Las Vegas focus so much on Trigonometry?

Because it's sin city.

Just got back from Vegas.

You know those places they have there with the signs: ALL n**... INSIDE ?
Just a tip. Turns out that's only if you work there.

Bob turns to John who is about to board a plane to Las Vegas and hands him $500 saying "play with this for me and do what you can for me."

John returns and says "good news, you got laid."

Good Thing The Vegas Rule Still Applies At The Hotel Room Across From The Lovely Middle School

Sin City was a nickname given to Las Vegas because of all of its shenanigans, but do you know about Den City?

It's the degree of compactness of a substance.

Las Vegas is now home to a 550 foot tall ferris wheel

Also drawing thousands to Las Vegas: w**...

Q: Where does a gambler refuel his car?

A: At Las Ve-gas.

I spent $500 on a h**... in Vegas once.

My brother said he needed the money.

What did the nun say at confession after being caught in Vegas.....

Forgive me father I have spinned.

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.

I went to this cool new restaurant in Vegas, the server woman came out n**... with the menu painted all over her body.

She asked if I was ready to order, I said I know what I want, but I just can't put my finger on it.

[OC] A sketchy looking guy asks a stripper if she'll join him on a spiritual quest in the Las Vegas desert.

She knows she would be dumb to accept the invitation, but she asks her manager for advice first just in case. His response is simple:
"There are no s**... quest shuns; only s**... dancers."

What interview should you avoid asking Clark Kent to give?

2:30 AM: A woman accused of robbing a large bank in San Francisco
6:00 PM: A man accused of scamming high rollers in Las Vegas
9:00 PM: A man accused of shooting two rival gang members in Los Angeles
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The last one: Keep him away from the Crip tonight

In Vegas, a blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin.

Out pops a Coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins.
She returns and starts feeding the machine madly, and of course the machine keeps popping out the drinks.
Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go.
The blonde spins around and shouts in her face: "Can't you see I'm winning?"

After 10 Years man come to home and find his wife

A man comes home to find his wife of 10 years packing her bags. "Where are you going?" demands the surprised husband. "To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 cash to do what I do for you for free!" The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing his bags. "What do you think you are doing?" she screamed. "I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $2,000 a year!"