vatican Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious vatican puns

If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the Vatican

We'll take the aliens, you get the predators

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After weeks of speculation that the new pope would be black...

...alter boys at the Vatican are letting out a collective sigh of relief

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A higgs boson particle walks into the Vatican

The Pope says, "you call yourself the God particle! Your blasphemy is not welcome here, get out!"

The higgs boson particle says "but you can't have mass without me."

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2 nuns take a shortcut

2 nuns are riding bicycles through the Vatican and they decide to take a shortcut down a cobblestone street. The first nun says to the second, "I've never come this way before." The second nun replies to the first, "Nor have I. It must be the cobblestones."

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Why did vatican invite Bernie not Hillary?

They couldn't afford it.

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Two priests are on a plane

So two priests are flying with a planeload of Sunday school kids to the Vatican to meet the Pope. Halfway across the Atlantic the pilot tells them that the plane is going to crash and that there are only two parachutes.

One priest turns to the other and says, grab the chutes and we'll jump!

What about the children? Replies the other priest.

Fuck the children! Yells the older priest.

The younger one says, do you think we have time?

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Nescafe and the Pope

Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the Papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers,
"Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to
donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from
'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily
coffee."

The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the
Lord. It must not be changed."

"Well," said the Nescafe man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For
this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million."

"My son, it is impossible, for the prayer is the word of the Lord and
it must not be changed."

The Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your
adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer.... We will
donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great
Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give
us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.'
Please consider it."

And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.
"There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news.The good
news is that the Church will come into $500 million.'"

"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.

"We're losing the Wonder-Bread account."

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Two drunk guys

knock on the door of the local Nunnery.

Mother Superior comes out and one asks "Mother Superior, do you have any nuns that are midgets?"

She thinks and says "I know of no midget Nuns in the entire country."

The guy then says "Can we call the Vatican and ask if there are ANY midget nuns anywhere?"

Mother Superior agrees and they do.

The Vatican spokesman confirms - there are no midget nuns anywhere in the world.

The guy looks at his friend and says "See?! I told you that you were fucking a penguin..."

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The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican...

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican

and because they are the seven dwarfs,

they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope,

'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency,

but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question,

thinks for a moment and answers,

'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome ...'

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares,

silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship,

are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'

The Pope, puzzled now,

again thinks for a moment and then answers,

'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe ...

'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.



Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them

with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope!

Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'

The Pope, really confused by the questions says,

'I'm sorry, my son,

there are no dwarf nuns

anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap,

rolling and laughing, pounding the floor,

tears rolling down their cheeks,

as they begin chanting......



'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'
'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'

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A UFO landed in the Vatican and the friendly Aliens where greeted by the pope

Pope: What a great honour having the first sign of foreign life in the Univers visiting my humble home. Now, let me tell you about our saviour and king in heaven, Jesus Christ, who saved us all and currently we await his return to us.

Alien Leader: Jesus Christ you say? Long hair, beard, always in white clothes and is in his mid-thirties? Sure we know this guy.. great guy! Whenever he visits us he cure our sick, turn some water into wine (great laugh!), show us his walking-on-water-trick and then we throw a great party and serve him pancakes. He pops up every 2 years or so. Anyway, what did you guys do?

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Vatican to elevate pope Francis to sainthood-report

Reports are emerging from the vatican that the current pope will be recommended for sainthood due to his compassion for his fellow man. When asked about the holy father's reaction, a vatican official said, 'In keeping with modern times, the pontiff would like to be the patron saint of email, St.Francis of a cc'

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The Pope is walking through the streets of Vatican City...

... and he sees two beggars holding up cans for money. One of them is holding up a Christian cross, and the other a Star of David. The Pope sees that the one with the cross is, of course, getting much more money than the one with the Star of David, with some people only giving money to the Christian to spite the Jew. The Pope decides he has to intervene.

So he taps the Jew gently on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me. I noticed that you didn't have anything in your tin and I wanted to point out that in Vatican City, begging for money with a Star of David isn't a very good method of getting any, especially with a man with a cross next to you. Perhaps you should try a different city?"

The Jewish man laughs out loud, shocking the Pope. He turns to the Christian and exclaims, "Hey Abraham! Look who's trying to teach the Goldberg brothers marketing!"

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A wealthy man goes to Rome...

...in one of his finest suits the hope that when he visits the Vatican, he can be granted an audience with the Holy Father. During one of the Papal processions, he manages to make his way to the front of the barrier as the Pontiff walks past them. Instead, the Pope completely blanks the man, and stops several metres after him and stoops down to talk to an old and ragged-looking homeless person. The wealthy man is insanely jealous, and later finds the homeless person that the Pope had talked to and offers him his own fine suit as well as €2000, in exchange for the hobo's rags, to which the man greatly obliges.

The next day, the man positions himself in his "new" hobo clothing in roughly the same spot the original man was in the previous day. And sure enough, as the Pope came down the procession, he stopped by the homeless man, bent down and whispered in his ear:

"I thought I told you to fuck off yesterday"

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Dopey asks the pope

The seven dwarfs go to the vatican and the pope gives them an audience. "Any questions?' Asks the Pope. After being nudged by the others, Dopey reluctantly raises his hands.

"Yes, Dopey?" the pope asks kindly

"Your holiness, are there any nuns in Alaska?"

"Of course there are"

Dopey says thanks, but the other dwarves keep gauding him to ask another question.

"Your holiness," says Dopey, "are there any black nuns in Alaska?"

"Er, I can't say for sure," says the pope, "But I can't see why not..."

The other dwarves carry on nudging Dopey so Dopey raises his
hand once more, "Your holiness, are there any black midget nuns in Alaska?"

The pope a little exasperated at this point, says, "You know what Dopey? I don't think there are any black midget nuns in Alaska."

The other six dwarks fall about laughing screeching: "Dopey fucked a penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin!!".

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Two beggars are sitting in the Vatican...

There were two beggars sitting next to each other on the street in Vatican city, one had a large cross around his neck, the other had the star of David.It was a lovely day, the sun was shinning, there were thousands of people walking past the two beggars, but everyone was giving the man with the cross around his neck money, while the man with the star of David got nothing. One morning a high priest walked by the beggars and said the the beggar with the star of David " my friend, you are in Vatican city, all these people that pass you by will give to the man with the cross, they will never give money to a man with a star of David, in fact they will give to the man with the cross just to spite you... The beggar with the star of David, turned the the beggar with the cross and said " hey, Moshe, this schmuck is trying to teach the Cohen brothers about marketing"

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My Pope joke effort

Tried to buy some of the second hand stuff the Pope's selling on Vatican eBay but the payment service is down. Fucking Papal.

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A Priest and the Pope

A priest is in the vatican bathroom taking a piss at the urinals when the Pope walks in and stands next to him. The bishop just happens to look down and notice that the Pope is wearing what looks like a nicotine patch on his penis. He say to the Pope "I don't mean to be rude your holiness but I believe that those are supposed to go on your arms." The Pope smiles and says "No, it's working just fine, I'm down to three butts a day."

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How do you transfer money in the Vatican?

You use Papal.

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The Pope has declared that by 2018, the Vatican will stop selling cigarettes.

Thus he confirms that God hates fags.

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A Jewish cook went to the Vatican and insisted on seeing the Pope.

After a long wait the Pope granted him an audience and asked the cook what could he do for him.

The Jew said that he was a cook, before him his father was a cook, his grandfather was a cook, his great grandfather was a cook, and that he comes from a family of cooks that goes back to over 2000 years....

The Pope congratulated him and asked him again, what could he do for him?

The Jew said: "Well, the bill for the last supper has still not been paid.... "

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The Pope falls seriously ill and all the
cardinals are very worried.

They get the best doctors in Vatican City but nothing
helps. Eventually one of the cardinals says: There is only one doctor left that we haven't tried, he is the best in all Italy.

So the cardinals order him to summon the doctor to examine the Pope. The doctor comes to the council of cardinals and says:
I have good news and bad news, the Holy Father has cancer of the testicles, but the good news is he can be cured, all he needs
to do is take this drug and have sex with a woman.

The cardinals recoil in shock. Obviously this treatment is impossible because he is the Holy Father and therefore must remain celibate. Unfortunately, there is no other way, so one of the cardinals approaches the Pope and explains the situation. Holy Father, you have a terrible cancer and will die unless you have sex with a woman.

The Pope ponders this for a moment, then declares, Ok, I'll do it, but on three conditions.

Okay, says the cardinal. What are the conditions?

One, the woman must be blind, so she will never know who she made love with.

Okay, your Holiness, what next?

Two, the woman must be dumb, so if she ever realizes who she made love to, she will not be able to tell.

Certainly, your Holiness. And the third condition?

She has to have big tits.

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The Pope's Coffee - From my grandfather

Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the pope at the Vatican .


After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, "Your Eminence, we have an offer for you.


Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.'"


The pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed."


"Well," says the Nescafe man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million."


"My son, it is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord, and it must not be changed."


The Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer... We will donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.' Please consider it."


And he leaves.


The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.


"There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news. The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million."


"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.


"We're losing the Wonderbread account."

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Two nuns were riding their bikes...

Two nuns were riding their bikes through Rome headed to the Vatican. One nun said to the other, "You know, sister, I don't think I've ever come this way before." The other nun said, "It's the cobblestones."

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An elderly priest was found in the Vatican library weeping inconsolably...

He had ancient manuscripts spread out in front of him. Some curators walked up to him and said "What is the matter, Father?"

Between sobs, he replied: "Some bastard dropped the 'R'. It was supposed to say CELEBRATE!"

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Two nuns are riding their bicycles to the Vatican

First nun shouts to the other "I've never come this way before!"
The second nun replies "don't worry it's just the cobblestones."

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A young couple couldn't get pregnant.

A young couple couldn't get pregnant. They tried everything so the wife could conceive including going to the fertility doctor, but nothing worked. Finally, at church one Sunday they asked their priest for advice. The priest told them to go to the Vatican and light a candle. Several years later, the priest decides to pay the couple a visit. He rings the doorbell, and is met by an army of little runts. He asks one of the older boys,

"Where's Mommy?"

"She's at a maternity ward. I'm gonna have a sister" says the boy

"What about Daddy?" asks the priest

"He went to the Vatican to blow out some damn candle."

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Kind of a visual joke, but hopefully it'll work. (some language)

Jesse Jackson and Obama heard there was a new pope and wanted to go meet him and introduce themselves. so they got on air force one and flew all the way to the Vatican. When they got there they saw that the line to see the pope was miles long. but they decided to stay and wait it out because they had traveled so far already. After about an hour of slowly making their way closer to the pope Jesse turns to Obama and says "man Obama I'm really hungry." Obama, not wanting to lose his spot in line, convinced him to stay and continue to wait it out. three more hours pass and Jesse can't take it anymore, he had to eat. So he plucks a pigeon out of the air and builds a small fire to cook it. The pope sees the smoke and immediately comes down the line to see where its coming from. He walks up to Jesse Jackson and makes the sign of the cross (points up, down, left, and right), says a few words and leaves. Obama, not able to hear exactly what the pope said to Jesse, is excited for him "wow Jesse, you just got blessed by the pope, that's awesome. What exactly did he tell you?" Jesse replies "he said (pointing up) 'leave my damn pigeons alone, (pointing down) put the fucking fire out, (pointing left) get this nigger, (pointing right) and get out of here.'"

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Batman was arrested today in the Vatican

He was released on Christian Bale

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The Seven Dwarfs visit the Vatican to have an audience with the Pope.

The audience is going really well but Dopey keeps pulling on Doc's sleeve. Doc says, "Okay, okay I'll ask him!" He turns to the Pope and says,
"Your eminence, Dopey would like to know if there are any nuns who are dwarfs?"
Well the Pope thinks about it, and he consults with his arch bishop, and after a couple quick phone calls and whispered conversations, the Pope turns and says, "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid there are no nuns who are dwarfs anywhere in Rome."
At this Grumpy smacks Dopey upside the head and says, "See? I told you that you fucked a penguin!"
This joke is in honor of World Penguin Day and my girlfriend's dad who told me this joke and died later that week. I swear to God these were the last words he ever spoke to me. A fantastic, funny amazing human being.

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The Vatican has dispelled rumors that the Pope is resigning because he's a pedophile.

They claim he just got a little behind at work.

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What's the difference between a proclamation from the Vatican and a mail-order husband from ebay?

One's a papal mandate and the other's a paypal man-date.

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I heard the Vatican was making a movie. The name?

Pope Fiction

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The priest's bad habit

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicorette patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis".

The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day".

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I'm taking a dump in the Vatican toilets.

I guess that counts as a holy shit.

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The seven dwarves went to the Vatican...

...and when the pope answered the door, Dopey stepped forward:

"Your Excellency," he said. "I wonder if you could tell me if there are any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

"No Dopey, there aren't," the Pope replied.

Behind Dopey, the six dwarves started to titter.

"Well, are there any dwarf nuns in Italy?" Dopey persisted.

"No, none in Italy," the Pope answered a little more sternly.

A few of the dwarves now began to laugh more openly.

"Well, are there any dwarf nuns in Europe?"

This time the Pope was much more firm.
"Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."

By this point, all the dwarves were laughing aloud and rolling around the ground.

"Pope," Dopey demanded. "Are there any dwarf nuns in the whole world?"

"No Dopey," the Pope snapped. "There are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.

Whereupon the six dwarves started jumping up and down chanting, " Dopey fucked a penguin! Dopey fucked a penguin!"

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What are the most funny Vatican jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Vatican? Well, here are the best Vatican dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Vatican pick up lines to share with friends.

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