vatican Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious vatican stories

What are the best vatican puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Vatican? Well here is a complete list of the top vatican jokes:

If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the Vatican

We'll take the aliens, you get the predators


After weeks of speculation that the new pope would be black...

...alter boys at the Vatican are letting out a collective sigh of relief


A higgs boson particle walks into the Vatican

The Pope says, "you call yourself the God particle! Your blasphemy is not welcome here, get out!"

The higgs boson particle says "but you can't have mass without me."


2 nuns take a shortcut

2 nuns are riding bicycles through the Vatican and they decide to take a shortcut down a cobblestone street. The first nun says to the second, "I've never come this way before." The second nun replies to the first, "Nor have I. It must be the cobblestones."


My Pope joke effort

Tried to buy some of the second hand stuff the Pope's selling on Vatican eBay but the payment service is down. Fucking Papal.


A Priest and the Pope

A priest is in the vatican bathroom taking a piss at the urinals when the Pope walks in and stands next to him. The bishop just happens to look down and notice that the Pope is wearing what looks like a nicotine patch on his penis. He say to the Pope "I don't mean to be rude your holiness but I believe that those are supposed to go on your arms." The Pope smiles and says "No, it's working just fine, I'm down to three butts a day."


The Vatican has dispelled rumors that the Pope is resigning because he's a pedophile.

They claim he just got a little behind at work.


I heard the Vatican was making a movie. The name?

Pope Fiction


I'm taking a dump in the Vatican toilets.

I guess that counts as a holy shit.


The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican...

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican

and because they are the seven dwarfs,

they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope,

'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency,

but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question,

thinks for a moment and answers,

'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome ...'

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares,

silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship,

are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'

The Pope, puzzled now,

again thinks for a moment and then answers,

'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe ...

'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them

with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope!

Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'

The Pope, really confused by the questions says,

'I'm sorry, my son,

there are no dwarf nuns

anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap,

rolling and laughing, pounding the floor,

tears rolling down their cheeks,

as they begin chanting......

'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'
'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'


St. Peter

There was a catholic church in Mexico that wasn't doing to well. The Priest wrote a letter to the vatican saying that they needed help to get there attendance up. The vatican responded saying "Send one of your nuns to pick up a relic of our religion."

The very next day the priest sent a nun to pick up the relic. When the nun got to the vatican they gave her a small chest with the beard of St. Peter.
On her way back curiosity got the best of the nun and she oped the chest to see what the beard looked like. Right as she opened a gust of wind emptied the contents of the chest. The nun thinking to herself she quickly reacted and shaved her privates closed the box and hoped the priest wouldn't open the chest.

She was greeted by an excited Priest. "What did we get ?', he asks.

She replies " the beard of St.Peter".

He opens the chest and says "let's check if its real". The priest takes a huge sniff from the chest and exclames " Ahh these are definitely St.Peters beard because he was a fisherman !"


The Pope falls seriously ill and all the
cardinals are very worried.

They get the best doctors in Vatican City but nothing
helps. Eventually one of the cardinals says: There is only one doctor left that we haven't tried, he is the best in all Italy.

So the cardinals order him to summon the doctor to examine the Pope. The doctor comes to the council of cardinals and says:
I have good news and bad news, the Holy Father has cancer of the testicles, but the good news is he can be cured, all he needs
to do is take this drug and have sex with a woman.

The cardinals recoil in shock. Obviously this treatment is impossible because he is the Holy Father and therefore must remain celibate. Unfortunately, there is no other way, so one of the cardinals approaches the Pope and explains the situation. Holy Father, you have a terrible cancer and will die unless you have sex with a woman.

The Pope ponders this for a moment, then declares, Ok, I'll do it, but on three conditions.

Okay, says the cardinal. What are the conditions?

One, the woman must be blind, so she will never know who she made love with.

Okay, your Holiness, what next?

Two, the woman must be dumb, so if she ever realizes who she made love to, she will not be able to tell.

Certainly, your Holiness. And the third condition?

She has to have big tits.


Nescafe and the Pope

Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the Papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers,
"Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to
donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from
'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily

The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the
Lord. It must not be changed."

"Well," said the Nescafe man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For
this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million."

"My son, it is impossible, for the prayer is the word of the Lord and
it must not be changed."

The Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your
adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer.... We will
donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great
Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give
us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.'
Please consider it."

And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.
"There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news.The good
news is that the Church will come into $500 million.'"

"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.

"We're losing the Wonder-Bread account."


Kind of a visual joke, but hopefully it'll work. (some language)

Jesse Jackson and Obama heard there was a new pope and wanted to go meet him and introduce themselves. so they got on air force one and flew all the way to the Vatican. When they got there they saw that the line to see the pope was miles long. but they decided to stay and wait it out because they had traveled so far already. After about an hour of slowly making their way closer to the pope Jesse turns to Obama and says "man Obama I'm really hungry." Obama, not wanting to lose his spot in line, convinced him to stay and continue to wait it out. three more hours pass and Jesse can't take it anymore, he had to eat. So he plucks a pigeon out of the air and builds a small fire to cook it. The pope sees the smoke and immediately comes down the line to see where its coming from. He walks up to Jesse Jackson and makes the sign of the cross (points up, down, left, and right), says a few words and leaves. Obama, not able to hear exactly what the pope said to Jesse, is excited for him "wow Jesse, you just got blessed by the pope, that's awesome. What exactly did he tell you?" Jesse replies "he said (pointing up) 'leave my damn pigeons alone, (pointing down) put the fucking fire out, (pointing left) get this nigger, (pointing right) and get out of here.'"


Why isn't The Vatican competing in EUFA 2012?

Because all of their young boys were busy.


The new Pope

So now that the new Pope is Argentinian they may say that they own Vatican City because they had a temporary residance there. It's not like it has happend before.


The Vatican got a huge internet bill this month...

Apparently it's because of all the PDF files.


A wealthy man goes to Rome... one of his finest suits the hope that when he visits the Vatican, he can be granted an audience with the Holy Father. During one of the Papal processions, he manages to make his way to the front of the barrier as the Pontiff walks past them. Instead, the Pope completely blanks the man, and stops several metres after him and stoops down to talk to an old and ragged-looking homeless person. The wealthy man is insanely jealous, and later finds the homeless person that the Pope had talked to and offers him his own fine suit as well as €2000, in exchange for the hobo's rags, to which the man greatly obliges.

The next day, the man positions himself in his "new" hobo clothing in roughly the same spot the original man was in the previous day. And sure enough, as the Pope came down the procession, he stopped by the homeless man, bent down and whispered in his ear:

"I thought I told you to fuck off yesterday"



You've red some of the best vatican jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 18 puns about vatican. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty vatican gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

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