Vase Jokes

They told me I would never be good at poetry because I am dyslexic, but I proved them all wrong:

So far I have made three j**... and a vase.

Two girls walking down the street when...

one sees her husband coming out of a floral shop with a bouquet of flowers. She says "Oh shoot, he's buying me flowers. I'll have to lay on my back for two days with my feet in the air. Her friend says "Would'nt it be easier to just buy a vase?

An insurance agent was talking to a prospective client at her home.

When she noticed a beautiful vase. She asked her client, "do you keep anything in it?"
"My husband's ashes", the client replied.
"I am so sorry", apologized the agent, "I did not know he was deceased."
"He isn't - he's just too lazy to hunt for an ashtray."

A blond and a brunette are sitting on a porch...

The brunette looks out and sees her husband approaching with flowers. The brunette says: "Oh look, flowers, looks like I'll be having my legs spread open all weekend long..." The blonde replies: "Why? Don't you have a vase?"

My favorite joke from The Sopranos

A man comes home with a bouquet of flowers for his wife. "What? Do you expect me to spread my legs for you now?" says the wife. The husband replies, "honey, I love you, but i think a vase will work just fine."
Credit to Uncle Jun.

You know what they say about vasectomies...

There's a vas deferens between the good ones and the bad ones.
Thought of this yesterday, probobally done before but whatever

p**... rings his new girlfriend's door

p**... rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.
She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.
She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says p**..., 'You must have a vase somewhere!'

A vasectomy can make a vas deferens in your life

Man gets his wife roses for Valentine's Day

Wife says "I guess I have to open my legs now". Man says "Why? Don't we have a vase"?

After my vasectomy I thought I couldn't get my wife pregenant

Apparently it just changes the color of the baby

Had a vasectomy, was told it would stop my ability to have kids...

Apparently it just makes them change colors.

A Polish woman is visiting her friend

A Polish woman is visiting her friend. They are sitting talking at the kitchen table when her friend looks out the window and sees her husband carrying a bouquet of flowers. She turns to her Polish friend and says "great, now I'm going to have my legs up in the air all night"
Her friend replies "hmm usually I just use a vase"

I had a vasectomy today, and my wife keeps asking how I feel...

I've had to tell her over and over that it's not that bad, and that I don't notice much of a vas deferens.

So, I brought my girlfriend some flowers today...

she looked at me, sighed and said, "I guess I'll have to spread my legs now."
so I asked her, "why, don't you have a vase?"
hahahahaha
just kidding...
I don't have a girlfriend

A blonde and her friend were standing on the street talking..

The blonde's friend sees her boyfriend coming out of a flower shop with a big bunch of flowers and says, "Oh yeah, I suppose he expects me to spend the whole night on my back with my legs in the air now!"
The blonde says, "Why, do you not own a vase?"

A man brings home flowers to his wife

A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She's so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them.
Her husband confused looks down and goes "What's that for?"
His wife replies "For the flowers of course"
He thinks for a moment and asks "Don't we have a vase?"

Vasectomy misunderstanding

She told me I mis heard the doctor, Apparently it doesn't stop your wife getting pregnant, just affects the colour of the baby.

Flowers

A man walks in to the house with a dozen roses, walks up to his wife and hands them to her. The wife says "Oh, now I guess you expect me to lay on my back with my legs spread." The husband replies, " What, you don't have a vase?"

The Valentine's Day Blonde

A woman receives a huge bouquet of flowers from her boyfriend at the office and is clearly upset about it. Her co-workers ask what's wrong.
She replies, very annoyed: "This is just great. Now I guess I'll have to spend the whole evening on my back, with my legs in the air!"
The blonde says, "That's awful! Don't you have a vase?"

What do vasectomies and breathalyzers have in common?

The goal is to blow a zero.

So I got a vasectomy...

Turns out it just changes the colour of the baby.

I had a vasectomy. Did you know that it actually doesn't prevent your wife from getting pregnant it just changes the color of the baby.

Or at least that's what my mailman said.

I had vasectomy so my wife wouldn't get pregnant...

But apparently all it does is change the color of your baby

I got a vasectomy

I was told it would keep her from getting pregnant, turns out all it does is change the color of the baby.

A guy ring's his new girlfriend's doorbell

She sees him holding a beautiful bouquet of roses and drags him in.
She lies on the couch, pulls her skirt up, and rips her knickers off and says "This is for the flowers!"
"Don't be silly" says her boyfriend, "you must have a vase somewhere!"

Vasectomy or no vasectomy,

Vas the deferens.
(I'll show myself out)

I had a vasectomy because I didn't want any more children.

Apparently a vasectomy doesn't stop you from having children, it only changes the colour of their skin.

I had a vasectomy because I didn't want to have kids.

But when I came back home, they were still there.

I had a vasectomy.

The doctors will tell you that you won't be able to have kids anymore. I'm here to tell you that it just changes the color of the kids. #stayinformed

A younger woman receives a dozen red roses. . .

A much older woman and a much younger woman are sitting on the front porch when all of a sudden the younger woman looked up and saw her husband coming towards her with a dozen red roses. Disgusted, she said to her friend, "Well it looks like I'll be up all night long with my legs up in the air." Confused, the elderly woman ask, "What's a matter? Ain't you got a vase?"

I got a vasectomy but my girlfriend still had a baby...

...apparently all a vasectomy does is change the colour of the baby.

I got a vasectomy two years ago.

Turns out is doesn't stop you from having kids, they just come out in different colours.

I got a vasectomy,

But apparently all it does is change the color of the baby.

Two women are having lunch on Valentine's Day

One says to the other "Do you and your husband have any romantic plans for tonight?"
The second scoffs "Oh, please. These days, he just buys me a half-dozen roses, and expects me to get on my back and spread my legs."
The first looks confused "Don't you have a vase you could put them in?"

A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street...

... when they see the brunette's boyfriend coming out of a florists with a huge bouquet of flowers.
"oh no", says the brunette, "now he'll want me on my back with my legs in the air".
"why?", asks the blonde. "Don't you have a vase?"

'Dad, why is my sister called Rose?'

'Because we broke a vase with a rose in it when we made her'
'Alright, thanks for telling, Dad.'
'No problem, c**....'

I got a vasectomy to stop having kids...

All it did was change their skin color.

"I don't think the vasectomy worked", said the r**... to his friend.

"Why, you get yo wife pregnant?" asked the friend.
"Yeah not only that, the baby came out all black."

After getting a vasectomy a guy complains to his buddy that they don't work since his wife still keeps getting pregnant.

The buddy says "mine didn't work either, it just made the babies come out black"

After I had my vasectomy, my friends asked me if anything had changed in the bedroom

I replied "there isn't a vas deferens"

Two blondes are having a coffee at the local cafe.

They see a flower delivery truck pull up in front of the apartment building across the street and the delivery guy goes inside. The first blonde remarks "You know, whenever my boyfriend gets me flowers, he expects me to keep my legs spread for a week."
The second blonde replies "Don't you have a vase?"

A man comes home from work with flowers in his hand.

His wife looks at him and says Oh, you show up with flowers and I just bet you expect me to spread my legs for you?
Oh, no dear. He says, A vase should work just fine.

I brought home a bouquet of roses for my wife

She looked at me in disbelief and asked "what did you do wrong"
"What? I just wanted to do something nice for you, buy you a gift, and this is how you act?" I respond
"Yea right, you think I don't know any better, now you want me to lay in bed n**... all week with my legs spread"
"Why" i asked, " you don't have a vase?"

A boy breaks an old vase at a rich uncle's house.

A boy breaks an old vase at a rich uncle's house. The uncle gets extremely angry and yells: Do you even know how old the vase was? It was from the 17th century! The boy sagged in relief: Oh, good that it wasn't new.

I got a vasectomy so I wouldn't have anymore children,

Turns out, vasectomy only changes the color of your child.

Man takes a bunch of flowers home

Man takes a bunch of flowers home for his wife.
She says ""I suppose I will have to spread my legs now".
He says "Why, haven't you got a vase"

I just got a Vasectomy...

The urologist gave me a cup and said I had to fill it in 60 days then bring it back for a s**... count. I guess the surgery doesn't make a vas deferens right away...

I bought a girl flowers and she thought I expected something in return...

She said "oh, so you just expect me to go in the bedroom and lie on the bed with me legs up?"
I said " you don't have a vase?"
-Tahir Bilgic

I just got a vasectomy

I feel like it's a big change, but I don't feel a vas deferens.

Her: You got a vasectomy without telling me! Are you serious?

Me: Yes, I'm not kidding you.

My teacher told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

But so far I've made three j**... and a vase and they're lovely.

I used to think that a vasectomy prevented you from having a kid

Turns out it just changes the color (:

I had a vasectomy so I won't have kids

But when I got home, they were still there.

Blonde and a Brunette

were talking, brunette says "sigh, my husband gave me flowers last night, and you know...... its legs up in the air".
Blonde says, " what? don't you have a vase?"

My vasectomy was supposed to change everything.

I haven't noticed a vas deferens after the procedure.

after a vasectomy, make sure to ice your nuts

it makes a vas deferens.

A brunette gets a bouquet of flowers for valentines day.

The other office women are admiring the flowers as they are delivered to her.
She then smirks and says to the crowd of women gathered around "I guess this means I will be spending the night with my legs in the air."
The blonde then says "Don't you have a vase?"

I got a vasectomy but my girlfriend still got pregnant...

I got a vasectomy but my girlfriend still got pregnant. Apparently, all a vasectomy does is change the colour of the baby.

p**... rings his new girlfriend's door bell

p**... rings his new girlfriend's door bell, holding a
big bunch of flowers.
She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.
She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips
her knickers off and says
'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says p**...,
'You must have a vase somewhere!'

They told me I wouldn't be any good at poetry because I was dyslexic

But so far I've made 3 j**... and a vase and they're lovely

Two women met in a cafe for their weekly chitchat

"My husband brought me 20 roses yesterday for our anniversay. Bet now he expects that I spread my legs for 2 weeks"
"Why that? Don't you have a vase?"

A man gets a bouquet of flowers for his wife.

The wife asks him Now I got to spread my legs? . He replies Why? Don't we have a vase?

I'm getting a vasectomy tomorrow

I'll tell my urologist she can start with either side because ultimately it doesn't make a vas deferens.

Flowers

On Valentine's Day I came home with a dozen roses for my wife. She looked at me and said so I guess you want me to spread my legs now?
I said, well, I kinda thought we'd put them in a vase.

I got a vasectomy but my gf still got pregnant.

Apparently, all a vasectomy does is change the color of the baby.

How do you say vaseline in German?

Wienerschleider.

A vasectomy doesn't stop you from fathering children

It appears that it just changes the color of the baby.

They said i couldn't be good at poetry because i'm dyslexic.

But so far I've made 3 j**... and a vase and they are lovely.

A mother asks her two sons who broke her favorite vase. She told them she won't get angry if they told the truth, yet one of them lied. The first son said he played soccer in the house but broke nothing. The second son said he only broke his own doll house. Who's lying?

The mother is, we all know she will stil get angry no matter what.

Two Gals were sitting at the corner talking ...

One saw her boyfriend coming up the street with a bunch of flowers.
"Oh great" she said. " Now I'll have to lay on my back with my legs spread all weekend."
Her friend replied "Why ? Don't you have a vase ?"

A man rubs a vase and out comes a genie

The genie says "You got 3 wishes, but the catch is, your wife gets double.

The man says, "I want a new car"

The genie grants the mans wish for a car and gives the wife two cars.

The man says, "I want a new house"

The genie grants the wish and gives the man a new house and gives the wife two houses.

The man now says, "For my final wish, I wish to be beaten half to death"

I got a vasectomy because I didn't want any kids.

When I got home, they were still there.

A man walks into a museum.

While wandering, he trips and breaks a vase.
He panicks and picks the pieces up.
But the curator appears and almost has a heart attack.
"What have you done! that vase was 2000 years old." He shrieks.
"Oh thank God." The man sighs in relief. " I thought it was brand new."