van Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious van puns

The penguin joke (my favorite joke)


One day a Cop pulls a van over and when he walks up to the window he sees ten penguins in the back.

The cop asks the man "are those your penguins?"

The man Says "yes, they are my pets."

The cop replies to the man "You need to take them to the zoo right now."

So the man agrees and drives off. The next day the cop pulls over the same van and he walks up to the window and sees the ten pengins all wearing sunglasses.

The cop says to the man "I thought i told you to take those penguins to the zoo."

The man says "I did, today we are going to the beach!"

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Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo...

We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds...

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"So is that a gun in your trousers or are you just happy to see me?"

"Both ,now get in the van"

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What did Mike Tyson say to Vincent van Gogh??

You gonna eat that?

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A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof

So he looks up the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he"ll be there in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a huge, ferocious looking dog.

"What are you going to do?", the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put up this ladder against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with the bat. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to grab the gorilla's testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will be subdued enough for me to lock him in the cage in the back of the van.", says the gorilla remover and hands him the shotgun.

"What's the shotgun for?", asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog."

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A coworker told me I was a pedophile and said I probably had a van that said "Free Candy" on the side.

I told him that would be pointless. My target demographic can't read yet.

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The art of joke writing

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.'

I had no Monet

To buy Degas

To make the Van Gogh.

I had De Gaulle to post this because I figured I had nothing Toulouse .

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Kids these days are so stupid

They actually believe I've got chocolate in my van

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Gorilla in my tree!

A guy goes outside to mow the lawn and sees a gorilla up in his tree. He calls animal control, they say the gorilla is from the zoo and they will send an expert over right away.

The expert shows up in a van, opens up the van and removes a coil of rope, a net, a pointy stick, a pet carrier with a dog in it, and a shotgun. The homeowner looks at these tools and says "How is this going to work?"

The expert says "I'm going to use the rope to climb up the tree. I poke the gorilla with the stick, the gorilla falls out of the tree, the dog run over and hold the gorilla by biting him on the balls, then you throw the net over the gorilla until I can get down and put him in the van."

The guy says "OK, but what's the shotgun for?"

The expert says "If the gorilla knocks *me* out of the tree, *you shoot that fucking dog!*"

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If you ask Vanilla Ice's mother about his childhood...

she'll tell you that he was a nice, nice baby.

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A guy in a van pulls up next to a Rolls-Royce

at a red light and asks, "Hey, is your car Bluetooth enabled?" The Rolls owner nods.

"So is mine. Got Wi-Fi?" The Rolls owner nods again. "Me too. What about a double bed?"

"No. Do you?" asks the Rolls guy.
"Yep." The light changes and the van takes off. Jealous, the Rolls guy heads to a Pimp My Rolls customising shop and gets a double bed installed, then drives around until he finds the van parked on the side of the road. He raps on the window.

"Guess what? I got a double bed put in my car, too."

The van owner peers out. "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?"

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A nun was out for a walk...

...when a black van pulls up beside her. A man jumps out and drags her into the van were he proceeds to rape her. When he's done he stands up beside her and asks:
- So what are you gonna tell your sisters when you get back?
- I will tell them the truth. That a horrible man attacked me and raped me twice.
- Twice? the man asks.
- Yes. the nun replies. If your not in a rush of course?

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What type of fuel do painters prefer?

Whatever makes the van gogh..


-id like to mention, for what its worth, that this is an original joke (as stupid as it is), which i thought of independently. I was and am proud of it. If anyone finds it somewhere else please burst my bubble.

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When Vanna White dies...

Do you think her family will receive a lot of touching letters?

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"So is that a gun in your trousers or you are just happy to see me ?"

"Both , now get in the van ."

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Penis Van Lesbian

Back in the 50's, a man walked into a Hollywood agent's office. He told the agent that he wanted to be a big star and that he wanted the agent to represent him. The agent asked the man's name, to which he proudly replied, "Penis Van Lesbian."
Taken aback, the agent said, "If you want to be a big star, you will have to change your name."
The man, somewhat offended, told the agent, "The Van Lesbian name goes back centuries and I am very proud of my name! I will never change my name! Ever!"
"Then I won't be able to represent you." Said the agent.
"Then good day to you, sir!" The man yelled as he stormed out of the office.

Five years later, the agent received a letter along with a check for $50,000, written out to him. He wondered if it was sent to him by mistake until he read the letter.

The letter said,

Dear Sir,
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood and you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van Lesbian.
After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice..

Sincerely,

Dick Van Dyke

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Little Johnny is walking through a park...

When a man in a van pulls up to him and says "Hey kid, I'll give you a piece of candy if you come in my van"

Little Johnny looks at him and says "Shit man, give me the whole bag of candy, and I'll come in your mouth"

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Is that a gun in your pocket or are you happy to see me?

Both! Now get in the fucking van.

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Breaking news just in. A cement mixer has collided with a prison van on the highway,

Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals

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Kids today are way too expensive. Now days they want iPads and PlayStations.

They used to just get in the van if you offered them candy.

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A young man wants to be an actor...

...and is visiting an agent. The agent asked him all sorts of questions about what types of movies he wants to play in, his experience, and where he was from and at the end said "You sounds quite promising, I can arrange some auditions and keep you informed about whats available. What is your name?" and the young man responds "Penis van Lesbian."

At first the agent thinks he is joking, but the man is serious. The agent tells him "I think you'll need to change your name or use a stage name, no one will hire you with a name like Penis van Lesbian." Mr. Lesbian is quite perturbed and says he'll think about it.

The next day, he comes back. He tells the agent that he decided to change his name so that he could act, even though he liked his name and was quite attached to it. The producer asks him what his new name is, and he responds.

"Dick van Dyke"

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Offensive (possible repost but I made it up myself)

A pedophile drives up to his friend in a van and says "I'll trade you two fives for a ten".

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Two foot fetishists are sitting in the back of a police van.

One turns to the other says:

"I think we got off on the wrong foot."

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"Someone is coming!"

A young man moved out of his parents house and in to a apartment. While moving the last stuff from the van the neighbours door opens and a middle-aged and very attractive woman, dressed in a robe steps out.

"Oh hi, are you moving in here? How nice, I thought I'd welcome you."

The young man, inexperience with the opposite gender and still a virgin, nervously stutters.

"Tha... thank you."

Then the robe slips open and the woman is completely naked underneath. The young man can hardly believe his eyes. All of the sudden she grabs his hands, says, "Quick, someone is coming" and drags him in the her apartment and slams the door behind them.

She looks and him and smiles, the robe still wide open. "Do you like what you see?"

The young man nods.

She opens the robe further and ask, "What do you like the most about me?"

He clears his throat, and says, "Your ears."

"What?" she says. "My Ears? I have big firm breast, a slim waist, a nice ass and long legs - and you think my best feature is my ears?!"

"Well, remember out there in the hallway, when you said someone was coming?" the young man says.

"Yes?" she says.

"That was me."

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Why did Van Gogh become a painter?

Because he didn't have an ear for music.

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Bear Removal Service

A man in northern Minnesota woke up one morning to find a bear on his roof. He looked in the Yellow Pages, and sure enough, there was an ad for "Up North Bear Removers." He called the number listed and the bear remover said he'd be over within an hour.

The bear remover arrived, and got out of his van. He had a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12 gauge shotgun, and a mean looking, heavily scarred old pit bull.

"What are you going to do.?" the homeowner asked.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go
up there, and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles, and
not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the
cage in the back of the van."

He then handed the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun
for?" the homeowner asked.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, you shoot the dog."

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The Welder's Mask

A kids walking along the street and he sees a welders mask.
So the kids excited and he picks it up and puts it on. He plays with the eye visor, flipping it up and down.

Just then a guy in a van comes along and says "hey kid, you want a ride?"

The kid thinks why not so he gets in the van. As they're driving the guy says to the kid "hey kid, do you know what masturbation is?"

The kid says no.

The guy says "hey kid, do you know what dry humping is?"

The kid says no.

The guy then says "hey kid do you know what a blow job is?"

The kid finally looks at the guy and says "hey mister, I gotta tell you, I'm not really a welder".

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Two men with Alzheimer's are sat in a park...

... when they hear an ice-cream van pull up nearby. Bob turns to Bill and asks 'do you want an ice-cream Bill?'
Bob says 'yes please, but don't forget the chocolate sauce.'

Bob says 'I won't forget, don't worry. Anything else?'

Bill says 'in that case, I'll have some chopped nuts on it too. Don't forget now.'

Bob says 'I won't, don't worry. Chocolate sauce and chopped nuts, coming right up' and

Bob wanders off in the direction of the ice-cream van.

After 40 minutes, Bob finally turns up with two hot-dogs. Bill says 'you fool Bob! I knew you'd forget! I wanted mustard on mine!'

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A strange van pulls up to a 12 year old boy walking down the street...

The man in the van holds out a bag of candy and says, "hey kid, if I give you a piece of candy will you come in my van?"

To that the kid replies, "I'll come in your mouth if you give me the whole bag."

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Art Thief

An art thief pulls off an incredible heist at the Louvre. He loads a bunch of priceless paintings in the back of his van and drives off.

He is about to make the perfect getaway when his van suddenly stops. The authorities nab him, and one of them asks "what happened to the van?"

The thief replies:

"I did not have the Monet

to buy Degas

to make the Van Gogh"

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I vandalized an art major's car today.

Removing pizza delivery signs is surprisingly easy.

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A creepy van pulls up to playground.

A sleazy, balding man exits and eyes the playground. He spots Little Billy playing in the sandbox. The man approaches Billy and says "Hey little boy I'll give you a whole bag of candy if you come inside my van"
Little Billy looked up and replied "Shit mister for a bag of candy I'll come in your mouth!".

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A Lady Walks Into an Ice Cream Shop...

And asks for some chocolate ice cream. The clerk tells her that they are currently out of chocolate ice cream, so she walks out.

An hour later, the same lady comes back and asks for a gallon of chocolate ice cream. Once again, the clerk tells her that they are fresh out of chocolate ice cream.

Another hour later, the lady comes in and requests just one scoop of chocolate ice cream. The clerk says:

"Lady, can you spell "van" like in "vanilla"?"

"V-A-N"

"Good. Now can you spell "straw" like in "strawberry"?"

"S-T-R-A-W"

"Perfect. Now, can you spell "fuck" like in "chocolate"?"

The lady thinks about it for a second, and looks confused. She then replies "There is no fuck in chocolate"

"That's EXACTLY what I'm trying to tell you!!!"

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This guy wants to be an actor

Even though he is quite talented, his weird name is getting on his way.

No talent hunter will give him a chance. He is very proud of his name and is not willing to change any of it: Penis Wagon Lesbian.

He will not use a stage name either.

Years go by without him getting any role. Finally he meets a talent hunter who is willing to meet him half way. Keep his name, just in a different form.

The first movie of Dick Van Dyke was a success.

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Art Thief

A mastermind thief infiltrates The Louvre and steals several paintings. He loads them all into his van and drives off. A few blocks away, his van breaks down. When the police arrive on the scene, one of the officers asks the mastermind how something like this could happen if he was so smart. The mastermind replies with "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

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Sylvester Stallone, Jean Claude Van Damme, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are all making a movie about classical composers.

Sylvester Stallone said, "I'll be mozart."
Jean Claude Van Damme said, "I'll be Beethoven."
Schwarzenegger said, "I'll be bach."

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A man walks into an art museum...

...saunters past a guard and rips a painting off the wall with his bare hands. The guards attempt to stop him as he runs out of the museum, but he is too quick and acrobatic and evades all of their efforts. Just out the museum doors, he hops into the back of a white van that begins speeding away with impressive acceleration; he holds the painting tauntingly out of the back of the van to mock the guards who tried to stop him, standing aghast on the museum steps. A passerby comments to his friend, "wow, look at that van go!"

"No, you idiot," his friend says, "that's a Rembrandt."

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THE GOVINATOR

Jean Claude Van Dam, Steven Segal, and Arnold Schwarzenagger all decide to go out trick-or-treating as musical composers for Halloween. They go into a costume store and look for masks. Jean Claude sees a costume that he likes and says, "I think I'll go as Beethoven." Steven Segal sees a costume that grabs his attention and says, "I'll be Mozart." Arnold had a tough time finding a costume that he liked, but he eventually found one that appeased his interest. He picks up a costume and said, "I'll be Bach."

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A prison van crashed into a cement mixer this morning...

Police are currently on the lookout for half a dozen hardened criminals.

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A woman walks into an ice cream parlour

A woman walks into an ice cream parlour and askes for a scoop of chocolate ice cream.

"Im sorry, ma'am, but we're out of chocolate ice cream"

"Ok. Then I guess I'll have a pint of chocolate ice cream."

"Sorry. But we dont have any more chocolate ice cream."

"Alright. Then can I have a quart of chocolate ice cream?"

"Ma'am. How do you spell the "van" in "vanilla?""

"V-A-N"

"And how do you spell the "straw" in "strawberry?""

"S-T-R-A-W"

"And how do you spell the "fuck" in "chocolate?""

"...There is no fuck in chocolate."

"That's what I've been trying to tell you this entire time."

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What did Mike Tyson say to Vincent Van Gogh?

You gonna eat that?

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An Art Thief is Sitting in His Driveway...

He didn't have any Monet, to buy Degas, to make his Van Gogh.

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I have no problem getting women into the sack...

... it's getting the sack into the back of my van that's the problem.

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A man awakens to find a gorilla in his tree...

So he looks in the phone book and finds the Gorilla Removal Service.

After waiting some time, a van pulls up. The removal technician climbs out carrying a stick, a shotgun and a Chihuahua.

He tells his client, "Okay how this works is I climb into the tree with the gorilla, poke him with this stick and when he jumps down the Chihuahua is trained to grab him by the penis and carry him into my truck."

The man immediately responds, "Okay, so what is the shotgun for?"

Tech, "Shoot the Chihuahua if I fall from the tree before the gorilla."

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A bear climbs up a tree in a man's backyard and won't get down so he calls animal control...

An animal control van pulls up and a man steps out with a pitbull by his side. He comes up to the owner, hands him a semi-automatic rifle and says: "Here is the plan, I climb up the tree and start shaking it, when the bear falls out, my pitbull Fluffy here will bite him by the balls and drag him back to my van. Got it?". The owner, startled, says: "OK sure, but what the hell is the gun for?". The man replies: "In case I fall off the tree first, you better empty the fucking clip on Fluffy!"

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Man goes into ice cream shop...

Man goes into ice cream shop and asks for a chocolate ice cream cone. The clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, we are all out of chocolate, but we have strawberry, vanilla, and 29 other flavors." The man says, "ok, how about a chocolate sundae?" The clerk replies, "um, I'm sorry sir, but we are all out of chocolate, but we have strawberry, vanilla, and 29 other flavors." The man then says, "ok just give me a chocolate milkshake."

The clerk, exasperated says, "Look man, can you spell?"
Man: "uh, sure, I'm a school teacher."
Clerk: "OK, spell STRAW in strawberry"
Man: "s.t.r.a.w."
Clerk: "OK, spell VAN in vanilla"
Man: "v.a.n."
Clerk: "Now spell FUCK in chocolate"
Man: "but...there's no fuck in chocolate"
Clerk: "That's what I've been trying to tell you!!"

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I went to one of those colleges where you can make up your own degree...

I ended up with a major in paedophilia and a minor in the back of my van.

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What did the artist say to get his vehicle moving

Van Gogh

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A guy asks for a gallon of chocolate ice cream

The clerk says, sorry we don't have any chocolate, we have vanilla and strawberry

Guy says ok just give me a 1/2 gallon of chocolate

Clerk says again, we have no chocolate, we have vanilla and strawberry

Guy says ok just give me a pint of chocolate then

Now the clerk says ok mister do me a favor, spell the van in vanilla

Guy V-A-N, why?

Clerk that's good, now spell the straw in strawberry

Guy S-T-R-A-W, I don't get it?

Clerk doing great, now spell the fuck in chocolate

Guy um, there is no fuck in chocolate

Clerk that's what I've been saying, THERE IS NO FUCKING CHOCOLATE!!

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As a chemist, i'm not very good at the guitar...

...anyway, here's van der Waal

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An art museum robber is caught when he tries to get away....

A reporter asks him what went wrong with the robbery. He answers " I didn't have the Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

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A pedophile parks his van next to a playground

He opens the door and calls out to a little boy. As the boy approaches peddy eddy proclaims "I'll give you a piece of candy if you come in my van." the little boy asses him for a moment then replies, "I'll cum in your face for the whole bag."

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Do you know why Van Gogh got into painting

Be cause he didn't have an ear for music.

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Have you been drinking sir?

"Been drinking tonight sir?" The policeman asked.

"I had one earlier, but that was all," I replied.

"I think you've had a few more than that sir. Would you step out of the van please."

"Why?" I asked.

"Because the Postman Pat ride isn't really designed for adults and there's children waiting for their go."

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I bought a CD of ice cream van music.

Now I drive with the stereo on full blast, watching the disappointment on all the little kids faces..

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My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.

When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.ο»Ώ

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Why do I call my van the Pussy Destroyer?

Because cats explode when I run over them

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A boy just saved Donald Trump's life.

And Trump says he can have anything he wants.

The boy asks for a wheelchair ramp for his family's van, and unlimited access to handicapped parking.

Trump asks the boy if this is for his mom or his dad.

The boy says that it's for him.

"But kid, you're not in a wheelchair." says Trump.

"I will be when my dad finds out what I've done."

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Why did the thieves get caught after robbing the Louvre?

Cause they didn't have the Monet to get Degas to make the van Gogh.

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Stop me if you heard the old joke about the art thief who got busted...

Because he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

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A man calls Animal Control to get a crazed gorilla off his roof.

A van pulls up and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat and a gun. He hands the man the gun.

"OK, here's what we do. I'm going to go up onto your roof and threaten the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down. When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in the balls until he's incapacitated."

"Great," says the man, "but what's the gun for?"

"If I fall down instead of the gorilla, shoot the dog."

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The zookeeper and the penguins

A zookeeper drives to the airport to pick up a group of penguins that are coming to live at the zoo. Midway through the drive back, though, the van breaks down. The zookeeper calls AAA, who says that they'll be out to help in a couple of hours.

After a few minutes, a man passing in his car stops to ask if he can help.

"Actually, yes!" says the zookeeper. "I'm going to be stuck here for a few hours while I wait for help. If you could take these penguins to the zoo for me, I'd be so grateful."

The man agrees, and the two of them bundle the penguins into his car.

"Thank you so much!" says the zookeeper, and hands the man a $20 for his trouble. The man drives off, and the zookeeper sits down to wait. Two hours later, he's surprised to see the man return, still with all the penguins in the car.

"What happened?" he asks. "I thought you were going to take them to the zoo!"

"I did!" says the man. "And they had a terrific time. But now they want to go to the movies, and I need some more money."

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When Vanna White dies...

I hope her family will receive a lot of touching letters.

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Thank God for whoever invented pole vaults

Otherwise we'd all have to keep our poles in safety deposit boxes.

.

.


I've searched all over the internet to see if this joke has been mentioned and haven't found anything like it. My grandma told me it a few years before she died so it's a joke I cherish and thought I'd share. She said it was a Dick Van Dyke joke, but have been unable to find anything like it.

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Bear Remover

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

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What did Mike Tyson say to Vincent Van Gogh?

You gonna eat that?

Courtesy of my 9 year old son.

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Before I started working out, I used to have a hard time picking up chicks.

Now I can toss them in the back of the van no problem.

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Paedophile in a van...

A paedophile in a van creeps up to a 7 y/o boy walking home from school, the creepy man yells out "hey little buddy, ill give you this whole bag of candy if you come in my van !" As he holds up said candy. The little boy then replies "Mister, for a whole bag of candy ill cum on your face"

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A man opens up a ice cream shop....

But he only has two flavors since he just opened. Strawberry and vanilla. His first customer walks in and orders chocalate. The seller says I'm sorry sir I only have strawberry and vanilla. The man says well ok ill have chocalate. The seller once again says I don't have chocolate. This goes on for awhile until the seller goes sir can you please spell straw as in strawberry. The man spells it. Now can you spell van as in vanilla. The man spells it. Now can you please spell fuck as in choclate. But there's no fuck in choclate. The seller goes that's what I've been trying to tell you!

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A little boy was riding his bike

... and he find a box of old welders gear. He grabs the gloves and the welders mask and starts riding his bike back home. About half way home, his bike gets a flat so he starts walking along the side of the road.

Pretty soon, a guy pulls up next to him in a van and offers to take him home. The little kid says 'thanks Mister!' and gets in the back of the van with his bike.

After a couple of blocks, the man asks the kid, "Hey kid, do you know what coitus is?" The kid looks at him with confusion, and shrugs.
"Hey kid, do you know what fellatio is?"
The kid shrugs again, shaking his head. "Nope."
The man waits for a minute or two, and then asks
"Hey kid, do you know what sodomy is?"

Finally the kid pulls off the mask and says, 'Sorry Mister, I'm not actually a welder.'

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A penguin takes his car to a mechanic because there is a funny noise coming from under the hood.

Leave it with me, says the mechanic. Come back in 20 minutes.
So, off goes the penguin. It's a pretty hot day and he's a cool weather kind of guy so on spotting an
ice cream van he goes and buys himself a 99. Now, penguins aren't very good at eating ice creamsβ€”
the lack of opposable thumbs makes it tricky. So by the time the penguin has finished his 99, he is
completely covered in ice cream. It is all over his beak and all over his flippers. Feeling a little
sticky, he goes back to the garage.
Oh, hello, says the mechanic, wiping his hands on a cloth.
Hello, replies the penguin. Was it anything serious?
Not really, but it looks like you've blown a seal.
Oh no, no, no! says the penguin, wiping his mouth. It's just ice cream.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I just saw a man pick up a screaming child and take her to his van.

Man, kids are getting carried away these days.

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A bass player runs into a bar...

where the guitar player and the singer are busy setting up. Breathless, he says "We've got a big problem! I locked my keys in the van!" "Whatever, man" says the singer, "We've got a gig to do, we'll worry about it later." "No, you don't understand" said the bassist, "the drummer is trapped inside!"

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A man goes to Hollywood to become a star

He records a demo reel of his best work and brings it to an agent. The agent says "this is some of the best stuff I have ever seen! Stand up, TV, plays, movies, LPs.... you have the talent to do it all! You're gonna be a star!" "I was hoping you would say that!" said the man excitedly". "There's just one problem" said the agent. "Oh no.... what is it?" "You're name. Hollywood is going to hate it." "I understand. I'll do what I have to do." "OK," says the agent. "Instead of Penis Van Lesbian let's use Dick Van Dyke!"


RIP Jerry. You will be missed!

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I tried to come up with a new name for vanishing cream...

But it just resulted in DissapOintment.

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What do chemists say when they wanna play a song at guitar?

"Anyway, here's van der Waal."

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"Is that a gun in your pants, or are you happy to see me?"

Both, now get in the van.

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What do you call an art thief's getaway car?

A van go.

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A magician accidentally turned his wife into a couch and his two kids into armchairs.

He started to panic and thought to himself, "What on earth have I done?"

He began to ponder, "How am I going to bring back my beloved family?" So, he thought for a while and decided a good idea was to take them to a hospital and see if the surgeon could operate and bring them back. He loaded them into his van and off he rushed to the local hospital.

He walked up and down the hospital hall and after some serious surgery, he asks the doctor, "Doc, how are they?"

The doctor replied, "Comfortable!"

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So today I smashed my van in to the side of this blonde lasses car...

It was totally my fault, the car was a write off and the girl was very shook up, you could tell she was in shock so I told her I had a few cans of beer in the back of my van if she wanted them to get over the shock ..... She accepted, drunk a few then asked me if I was having one, I told her I'd wait until the police had been.

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Hey baby, is that a gun in my pocket?

Get in the van.

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What's the hardest thing about being an audiophile?

Convincing the sound to get into your van.

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A lesbian trucker named Spike

hauled dildos by night down the pike
when asked by the fuzz
what it is that she does
she replies "I'm a fake-dick van dyke"

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I saw a van covered in dirt...

I saw a van that was covered in dirt & someone had written "I wish my wife was as dirty as this van".

I wrote "she is-when you're at work!"

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Roses are red. Violets are blue.

I have a knife. Get in the van.

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Vincent Van Gogh is having a pint…

His mate Gauguin walks in to the bar and says,
Hi Vinny, fancy a beer?
Vincent says,
No thanks , I've got one 'ere… .

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A gypsy girl is about to get married.....

Her mum says,"Emerald,you do realise that when you get married, your husband will want to stick his most prized posession in to where you piss?"

The daughter replies,"Shut up Ma, how the fuck is he gonna fit his Transit van in the sink?

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Ice cream van man found dead on the floor of his ice cream van, covered in sprinkles and raspberry sauce

Police are not treating the death as suspicious.

They believe he topped himself.

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Ludwig van Beethoven

A music scholar was touring through a graveyard in Vienna when he heard music coming out of a grave. On inspection, he found the headstone as Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. The music was the Ninth Symphony being played backwards. He soon rang up a friend who came in time to hear the Seventh Symphony being played backwards. They hurried to call an expert who hurried to them to hear the Fifth Symphony playing backwards. All the more weird was the fact that symphonies were being played in the reverse order in which they were composed. When the caretaker of the graveyard heard this, the only comment he made was, "What's the wonder! He's just decomposing!"

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How I would kidnap pedophiles.

Have a white van advertisting free kids.

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A motorcycle, a van, and a car bet against each other to see who would best whom in an endurance race.

The rules were set, and each vehicle was to drive 200 laps around a quarter mile track. Each vehicle agreed to this and the race began. After 10 laps, the motorcycle was in the lead against the car and the van by a large margin. Around 50 laps, he had started to loose ground against the car, and was only ahead of the van. 150 laps into the race, the motorcycle pulls into the pit stop and declares that he is quitting the race. When asked why, his only response was, "It's because I'm just two tired."

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Some idiot broke into our van last night and stole our limbo stick

How low can you go.

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What did the art thief's say when they jumped in the getaway vehicle after a heist?

Van Gogh

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What did the artist say when his car got stolen?

Where did my Van Gogh?

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What do you get when you cross Van Gogh with George Thorogood?

One bourbon
One scotch
And one ear

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A vandal smashed a hole in the strip club wall.

The police are looking into it.

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A prison van and a cement truck collided

Several hardened criminals escaped

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Two wrongs don't make a right...

...For example, your parents.

(Saw this spray painted on the back of a van. No idea if it's from something)

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What do you call a lesbian that is driving a windstar full of dildos?

Dick Van Dyke

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Van Gogh was never good at following directions.

Everything that he was told simply went in one ear and out the- oh wait a minute...

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The Police and the Penguins

A State Police officer is driving on the highway, doing his usual route, when he spots a suspicious van up ahead. When he approaches it, he notices that the driver has twenty penguins in his van!

The officer pulls over the man, and asks, "where are you coming from with all those penguins?!"

The man responds, "from the zoo."

The officer says, "alright, take them back to the zoo right now!" The man, puzzled, drives the penguins back to the zoo, and the officer follows to make sure he brought them back.

The next day, the officer is doing his usual routine when he sees the same van again... full of penguins, and they're all wearing sunglasses!

He pulls over the man again, and asks, "okay, what's the big idea? I told you to take them back to the zoo yesterday!"

The man responds, "well, yeah. We went to the zoo yesterday, and today we're going to the beach."

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I have found the perfect crime. I'm going to steal a news van...

They won't be able to report it.

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Purebred Police Dog

A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper which read: "Purebred police dog $25."

Thinking that to be a great bargain, she called and ordered the dog to be delivered.

The next day a van arrived at her home and delivered the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen. In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad.

"How dare you call that mangy mutt a purebred police dog?" she yelled.

"Don't let his looks deceive you, ma'am," the man replied, "He works undercover."

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What did Vincent say when he lost his car in the parking lot?

Where did my van gogh

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Vincent Van Gogh's Relatives

His Obnoxious brother: Please Gogh.
His Dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh.
His prune-loving brother: Gotta Gogh.
His Convenience-Store-Owner cousin: Stop'n'Gogh
His Constipated uncle: Can't Gogh
The Ballroom dancer aunt: Tan Gogh
His Nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh
His Fruit Loving cousin: Man Gogh
His sister who loves disco: Go Gogh
His bouncy little Nephew: Poe Gogh.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

There is no chocolate.

So a guy walks into an ice cream shop, and asks for chocolate ice cream. The cashier says, "I'm sorry sir, but we don't have chocolate." So the guy says, "oh... Ok then well I'll have chocolate then." The cashier says "sir, I'm sorry, but we don't have chocolate!" The guy says, "ok fine, I'll just take chocolate." Then the cashier says, "sir, can you spell the straw in strawberry?" Guy says, "sure, s - t - r - a - w." The cashier says, "ok, can you spell the van in vanilla?" Once again the guy says "sure, v - a - n. That's easy." The cashier then says, "ok then, can you spell the fuck in chocolate?" The guy says, "there is no fuck in chocolate!" The cashier says, "exactly."





All credit goes to my uncle, who told me this joke.

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Stallone, Van Damme and Schwarzenegger decide to collaborate on a movie about classical composers.

"I'll be Beethoven" says Stallone.

Van Damne says "OK, I'll be Mozart".

Schwarzenegger says "I'll be Bach"

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Whenever I asked for an ice cream from the van, my Mum would tell me that when they played music it meant that they'd run out

This isn't a joke, I'm 30 yrs old now finding out otherwise.

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Which ear did Van Gogh cut off?

It doesn't matter. The other one was left.

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Man found dead...

in an ice cream van covered in sprinkles.

Police think he topped himself.

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Did you hear about the ice-cream vendor found dead in his van covered in strawberry sauce and chocolate sprinkles?

Police say he topped himself.

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I love Halloween...

It's the only time of the year that I can lure young children in with candy without using my van.

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What's Van Helsing's favorite kind of restaurant?

A stakehouse

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A thief tried to steal paintings from the Louvre...

A thief attempted to steal paintings from the Louvre in Paris, but was caught 2 blocks away when his van ran out of gas. All the thief could say for himself was: I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh. But I tried for it anyway because I had nothing Toulouse!

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I slept through a burglary once and it was a fatal mistake.

Next thing I knew I was being thrown in a police van.

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My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will. When I took them to be valued I was told they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius

Sadly, they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.

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An art thief gets caught after a heist, how so?

Many people saw his Van Gogh from the scene of the crime.

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A van full of nuns is driving through Romania

The nuns get to Transylvania and a vampire jumps onto their windshield. The nuns panic and one in the back yells to the driver Speed up! Speed up! So the driver hits the gas and no matter how fast they go the vampire holds on tight.

Hit the brakes! Hit the brakes! Another nun yells from the back seat, and the driver hit the breaks as hard as she can and the van skids to a stop, but the vampire is still there.

Show him your cross! Show him your cross! Comes a scream from the back. The driver rolls down her window and yells at the vampire get off my damn windshield!

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Chocolate Ice Cream

A guy walks into an ice cream store and ask for a pint of chocolate ice cream, the guy behind the counter says "were out of chocolate ice cream", he then ask for a quart of chocolate ice cream, the guy behind the counter says "were out of chocolate ice cream", he then ask for a gallon of chocolate ice cream, the guy behind the counter says were out of chocolate ice.... he says wait, let's make this easy, the guy behind the counter says" spell the van in vanilla, the guy replies "van", the he says "spell the straw in strawberry", the guys says "straw", then the says, "ok now spell the fuck in chocolate", the guys says there is no fuck in chocolate, the guy behinds the counter says "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU".

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There was a failed art theft today...

the robber reportedly was foiled because he didn't have enough Monet for Degas to make the Van Gogh.

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Two criminals are trying to get away from an art museum in their getaway van after stealing pieces from 3 artists.

One gets in and turns the key. The van won't start.
The other one turns and asks, "Why aren't we moving?"
"I have no Monet to buy the Gascan to make the Van Gogh."

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A moving van ran over my foot today...

Fucking Hertz!

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TIL the current Prime Minister of of Canada has a tattoo, and is in a cover band called the Van Cats, but...

...only the first part was Trudeau.

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Helping your neighbour South African Style

Hello, is this the South African Police?
Eish-Yes. What you want?
I'm calling to report my neighbour, Hendrik van der Merwe! He is hiding dagga (Cannabis) inside his firewood.
Eeeh-Yes…Thank you for your co-operasheen and informasheen in combating crime and violence, in our society suh
The next day, the Police descends on Hendrik's house. They search the braai lapa (BBQ area) where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they chop open every piece of wood, but find no dagga (Cannabis) . They shout and swear at Hendrik and leave.
The phone rings at Hendrik's house.
Hey, Hendrik! Did the Police come?
Ja! (Yes!)
Did they chop your firewood for the braai (BBQ) tonight?
Ja… (Yes...)
Happy birthday my friend!

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Whats your favorite pickup line?

Mine is: I'll give you candy if you get in the van

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Did you know Vans and Sperry's used to be one shoe company?

The company was called Vanes. There was some dissension among the employees, so they agreed to split into two companies. The first one became Vans, and the second one got the Spare 'E'.

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Theres Inhalin' and Exhalin', but theres Eddie's favorite...

...Van Halen

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Did you know that Vanilla Ice is now working as a computer literacy instructor?

He's at the community college teaching word to your mother.

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Just saw a man crying his eyes out driving an AA van

I think he's heading for a breakdown.

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How many disappointments can you fit into a van?

I don't know, I can't get them outside of the house.

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The ice cream man was found dead inside his van. Covered in Hundreds & Thousands, Sprinkles, Chocolate drops and a Flake.

Police believe he may of topped himself.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The passenger of a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed and almost went offroad.
The passenger said :"Sorry dude, I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much, I touched you gently".
The driver replied,"Well, it's not your fault.
I used to drive a funeral van".

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There's two guys in a bar.....

There's two guy's in a bar having a drink , his friend comes over and sits beside him and ask's him "do you want a little" , the guy says "yea sure" his friend says "well there's this lady out in the parking lot in a van and she's giving it up for five bucks", so the guy runs out there bangs on the side of the van and gets in, halfway through, a cop shows up shines the light in the van , the guy gets up and says to the officer " don't worry officer it's my wife!!!" and the officer "oh I'm sorry I didn't know" he says, the guy says " well I didn't know either until you shined the light".

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Why couldn't the artist get a driver's license?

He gave off a good Impression, but couldn't make a Van Gogh.

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How did the farmer move his cows?

In a mooving van!

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I'm a chemist and I can play the guitar

Anyway, here's Van der Waal

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Did you know I store paintings under the hood?

It makes my Van Gogh

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what do you call a lesbian in a ford windstar filled with penises?

dick van dyke

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Vanity License Plates

I saw a license plate recently that said "MBA MOM" on it.

I don't think that kind of license plate would work for me because all I have is an Associates Degree.

So mine would just say "ASS DAD".

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What did Van Gogh's mother say to him when he was sad?

Wipe away those ears.

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How can you tell if a van is constipated?

I can't pass anything.

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A man walks up to a cop...

A man walks up to a cop and he says, Officer, somebody stole my car.

The cop said Where did you see it last?

The man said, It was right here on the end of this key.

Cop says Alright well why don't we walk down to the station and we'll get all the proper forms filled out and try and find it

Well alright, says the man

Cop says Before we go, you might want to zip up your pants, sir.

Man looks down and says Aw they got my girl too..

-Townes Van Zandt

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The little boy just wants chocolate ice cream...

A little boy walks into an ice cream shop...

"I want chocolate ice cream!" the boy exclaimed.

"I'm sorry we don't have chocolate", the clerk sighs "but I have this delicious strawberry and vanilla!"

"No! I want chocolate!" the boy cried.

"Tell you what" ,the clerk adds "can you spell 'VAN' as in vanilla?"

"Yeah! V-A-N", the boy proudly says.

"What about 'STRAW' as in strawberry?"

"Yeah! S-T-R-A-W", the boys says as he is getting annoyed.

"Now, what about 'FUCK' is an chocolate???"

The boys screams, "There is no 'FUCK' in chocolate!!"

"That's what I'm trying to tell you, boy!!!!!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Vanna White's birthday is today...

Pretty soon she'll be getting to the age where she has trouble with her vowel movements.

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Van Gogh hands a wrapped up box to his girlfriend.

"Vincent, please tell me this isn't another ear."

"What?"

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I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway.

It was heading yeastbound.

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How many Gogh's do I know?

Only Van.

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Did you hear the one about Vincent's Van Gogh?

Neither did he.

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Van Gogh Family

Vincent Van Gogh had a really large family. Here's a listing of some of the lesser known relatives:

* The really obnoxious brother - Please Gogh
* The brother who ate prunes - Gotta Gogh
* His dizzy aunt - Verti Gogh
* An aunt who taught positive thinking - Wayto Gogh
* And his magician uncle - Wherediddy Gogh

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I asked my 3yo daughter if I should get a minivan...

She said, no, you should get a Daisy van.

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What are the best Van puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Van? Well, here are the best jokes about Van to have fun with.

Joko Jokes