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Van Jokes

174 van jokes and hilarious van puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about van that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Welcome to the joke-filled world of vans! From mini vans to ice cream vans, white vans to camper vans, transit vans, VW camper vans and burger vans, get ready for a laugh with all types of wheelers, minivans and Ludwigs! Enjoy these humorous van jokes with friends.

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Funniest Van Short Jokes

Short van jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The van humour may include short driver jokes also.

  1. My teacher told me to tuck my shirt in. I said, "Why?"
    "Because it *looks* like you've just had s**...," he said, zipping his trouser.
  2. I asked Vincent van gogh to get me 6 eggs from the store, he came back with three... Forgot he can only hear half of what I'm saying
  3. Breaking news just in. A cement mixer has collided with a prison van on the highway, Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals
  4. Kids today are way too expensive. Now days they want iPads and PlayStations. They used to just get in the van if you offered them candy.
  5. Two foot fetishists are sitting in the back of a police van. One turns to the other says:
    "I think we got off on the wrong foot."
  6. Why did the art thief's vehicle run out of gas? He had no Monet,
    to buy Degas
    to make the Van Gogh.
  7. A prison van crashed into a cement mixer this morning... Police are currently on the lookout for half a dozen hardened criminals.
  8. An Art Thief is Sitting in His Driveway... He didn't have any Monet, to buy Degas, to make his Van Gogh.
  9. I have no problem getting women into the sack... ... it's getting the sack into the back of my van that's the problem.
  10. What is a kidnapper's favorite type of shoe? White Vans
    (courtesy of my dark-humored step-kiddo)

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Van One Liners

Which van one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with van? I can suggest the ones about transit and ice cream van.

  1. What did mike tyson say to Vincent van Gogh?? You gonna eat that?
  2. my 12 year old just got me: what is a kidnappers favorite shoe? White vans.
  3. What are a kidnappers favorite type of shoes? White Vans.
  4. Why did the Mexican Army only bring 5000 soldiers to the Alamo? They only had 2 vans
  5. What kind of shoes do paedophiles wear? White vans
  6. Why did Van Gogh become a painter? Because he didn't have an ear for music.
  7. What pair of shoes do kidnappers love the most? White Vans
  8. What are a kidnapper's favorite shoes? White Vans
  9. What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off? Van Stay
  10. What kind of shoes do kidnappers wear? White Vans
  11. I prevented two girls from being abducted today. My van wouldn't start.
  12. What shoes do kidnappers wear?

    White Vans
  13. What did the artist say to get his vehicle moving Van Gogh
  14. As a chemist, i'm not very good at the guitar... ...anyway, here's van der Waal
  15. What did the communist say when his van stopped working I guess it's stalin

Van Gogh Jokes

Here is a list of funny van gogh jokes and even better van gogh puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • An art museum robber is caught when he tries to get away.... A reporter asks him what went wrong with the robbery. He answers " I didn't have the Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.
  • Do you know why Van Gogh got into painting Be cause he didn't have an ear for music.
  • Why did the art thief's van run out of gas as he drove away from the museum? Because he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.
  • Why did the thieves get caught after robbing the Louvre? Cause they didn't have the Monet to get Degas to make the van Gogh.
  • Stop me if you heard the old joke about the art thief who got busted... Because he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.
  • You wanna hear a Van Gogh joke? Alright... Ear goes.
  • Van Gogh masterpiece defaced by Just Stop Oil activists in London. A spokesman for the group said, 'We will not rest until all 19th century painters switch to acrylics or watercolours.'
  • Vincent Van Gogh is having a pint… His mate Gauguin walks in to the bar and says,
    Hi Vinny, fancy a beer?
    Vincent says,
    No thanks , I've got one 'ere… .
  • What do you get when you cross Van Gogh with George Thorogood? One bourbon
    One scotch
    And one ear
  • Van Gogh was never good at following directions. Everything that he was told simply went in one ear and out the- oh wait a minute...

White Van Jokes

Here is a list of funny white van jokes and even better white van puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Where did this concept of kidnappers using white vans come from? I mean, I just use my Prius, stop being so stereotypical, jeez.
  • what shoes do paedophiles wear? White vans
  • What's a creepers favorite kind of shoes? White vans
  • What's a kidnapper's favourite shoe? White Vans
  • You can always trust a man in a white van. That's what mom always said back before she went missing
  • What do skaters, kidnappers, and hipsters all have in common? They all have white vans
  • What are a pedophyles favorite shoes? White vans
  • What is Roy Moore's favorite brand of shoe?? White Vans
  • A man told me there was a Pikachu in the back of his white van. When I jumped in, it appeared that he was mistaken.
  • What kind of shoes does a peodophile wear? White vans

Ice Cream Van Jokes

Here is a list of funny ice cream van jokes and even better ice cream van puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I bought a CD of ice cream van music. Now I drive with the stereo on full blast, watching the disappointment on all the little kids faces..
  • Ice cream van man found dead on the floor of his ice cream van, covered in sprinkles and raspberry sauce Police are not treating the death as suspicious.
    They believe he topped himself.
  • Did you hear about the ice-cream vendor found dead in his van covered in strawberry sauce and chocolate sprinkles? Police say he topped himself.
  • In Scotland, they are so mean with money that every home has double glazing installed. So their kids can't hear the ice cream van
  • Whenever I asked for an ice cream from the van, my Mum would tell me that when they played music it meant that they'd run out This isn't a joke, I'm 30 yrs old now finding out otherwise.
  • Man found dead... in an ice cream van covered in sprinkles.
    Police think he topped himself.
  • The ice cream man was found dead inside his van. Covered in Hundreds & Thousands, Sprinkles, Chocolate drops and a Flake. Police believe he may of topped himself.
  • Unsettling sounds #23 Ice-cream van after dark
  • I worked in one of those creepy ice cream vans over memorial day weekend, and I must say, they really do work. I raked in the Benjamins. Also got a couple Jacobs and Timothys as well.
  • What does the ice-cream van man do to save his parking spot? Puts cones out.

Vincent Van Gogh Jokes

Here is a list of funny vincent van gogh jokes and even better vincent van gogh puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What did Vincent say when he lost his car in the parking lot? Where did my van gogh
  • What quality did Vincent Van Gogh have that would have made him a good counsellor? He had the quality of lending an ear.
  • Did you hear the one about Vincent's Van Gogh? Neither did he.
  • Van Gogh hands a wrapped up box to his girlfriend. "Vincent, please tell me this isn't another ear."
    "What?"
  • You know that fair maiden that Vincent van Gogh gave his ear to? I heard it was for the illustrious ghost, Mary the 1st of England.
  • What would Vincent Van Gogh be if he was a sheep? Lamb Gogh
  • Why did Vincent van Gogh cut off his ear? He was hungry.
  • Why does Vincent van Gogh always look forward to thenew year? Because everyone wishes him a new ear.
  • What killed Vincent van Gogh? He had a Sev Ear Infection.
  • Why did Vincent never learn to drive? He didn't know how to make the van Gogh..

Mini Van Jokes

Here is a list of funny mini van jokes and even better mini van puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What do midget skaters and couples with children have in common? Mini-Vans
  • What do babies wear when they go skateboarding? Mini-Vans
  • After s**... one night my wife said she wished she could get 3 more inches... So the next day I put a lift kit on her mini van.
  • Those stickers of families you see on the back of mini-vans are like menus.. For s**... predators.

Gather Around for Fun Van Jokes and Laughter with Friends

What funny jokes about van you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean white van jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make van pranks.

R.I.P. dad

My dad passed away yesterday (this is true). He was 87 and had a good innings. We've done the bulk of our grieving and all is good. My brother sent me this message this morning:
"I reckon dad has already told Eddie Van Halen to turn the volume down."
___________________

Kids these days are so s**...

They actually believe I've got chocolate in my van

A nun was out for a walk...

...when a black van pulls up beside her. A man jumps out and drags her into the van were he proceeds to r**... her. When he's done he stands up beside her and asks:
- So what are you gonna tell your sisters when you get back?
- I will tell them the truth. That a horrible man attacked me and r**... me twice.
- Twice? the man asks.
- Yes. the nun replies. If your not in a rush of course?

What type of fuel do painters prefer?

Whatever makes the van gogh..
-id like to mention, for what its worth, that this is an original joke (as s**... as it is), which i thought of independently. I was and am proud of it. If anyone finds it somewhere else please burst my bubble.

*Ouch!!* *Zut alors!!*

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
(...and you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to post this on raydeet.... Well, I figure I have nothing Toulouse. )

A strange van pulls up to a 12 year old boy walking down the street...

The man in the van holds out a bag of candy and says, "hey kid, if I give you a piece of candy will you come in my van?"
To that the kid replies, "I'll come in your mouth if you give me the whole bag."

Art Thief

An art thief pulls off an incredible heist at the Louvre. He loads a bunch of priceless paintings in the back of his van and drives off.
He is about to make the perfect getaway when his van suddenly stops. The authorities nab him, and one of them asks "what happened to the van?"
The thief replies:
"I did not have the Monet
to buy Degas
to make the Van Gogh"

A man is home and sees a gorilla hanging on his backyard tree.

So he naturally picks up the yellow pages and calls the gorilla Removal services. The professional arrives in less than ten minutes, and gets off his van with a pole, a ladder, a dog, a shotgun and handcuffs. He says "I see it's a male gorilla, so I'm taking the ladder up the tree and poke him with this pole. He's gonna fall, and my dog is trained to bite the crouch, so when the gorilla protects his groins, I handcuff him and bring him back to the wild. Hold this gun, please". The man asks "what do I do with it?", and the guy "If I fall from the tree, shoot the dog".

Art Thief

A mastermind thief infiltrates The Louvre and steals several paintings. He loads them all into his van and drives off. A few blocks away, his van breaks down. When the police arrive on the scene, one of the officers asks the mastermind how something like this could happen if he was so smart. The mastermind replies with "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

Sylvester Stallone, Jean Claude Van Damme, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are all making a movie about classical composers.

Sylvester Stallone said, "I'll be mozart."
Jean Claude Van Damme said, "I'll be Beethoven."
Schwarzenegger said, "I'll be bach."

Two men with Alzheimer's are sat in a park...

... when they hear an ice-cream van pull up nearby. Bob turns to Bill and asks 'do you want an ice-cream Bill?'
Bob says 'yes please, but don't forget the chocolate sauce.'
Bob says 'I won't forget, don't worry. Anything else?'
Bill says 'in that case, I'll have some chopped nuts on it too. Don't forget now.'
Bob says 'I won't, don't worry. Chocolate sauce and chopped nuts, coming right up' and
Bob wanders off in the direction of the ice-cream van.
After 40 minutes, Bob finally turns up with two hot-dogs. Bill says 'you fool Bob! I knew you'd forget! I wanted mustard on mine!'

THE GOVINATOR

Jean Claude Van Dam, Steven Segal, and Arnold Schwarzenagger all decide to go out trick-or-treating as musical composers for Halloween. They go into a costume store and look for masks. Jean Claude sees a costume that he likes and says, "I think I'll go as Beethoven." Steven Segal sees a costume that grabs his attention and says, "I'll be Mozart." Arnold had a tough time finding a costume that he liked, but he eventually found one that appeased his interest. He picks up a costume and said, "I'll be Bach."

I went to one of those colleges where you can make up your own degree...

I ended up with a major in paedophilia and a minor in the back of my van.

A joke from work

Four famous actors get together and decide to dress up as famous artists for Halloween.
Leonardo DiCaprio says he'll go as Da Vinci since they have the same first name.
Tom Cruise says he'll go as Van Gogh so they have two painters.
Bill Murray says he'll go as Beethoven since he likes his music.
Arnold Schwarzenegger just looks at them and says "I'll be Bach."

Have you been drinking sir?

"Been drinking tonight sir?" The policeman asked.
"I had one earlier, but that was all," I replied.
"I think you've had a few more than that sir. Would you step out of the van please."
"Why?" I asked.
"Because the Postman Pat ride isn't really designed for adults and there's children waiting for their go."

My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.

When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.

A boy just saved Donald Trump's life.

And Trump says he can have anything he wants.
The boy asks for a wheelchair ramp for his family's van, and unlimited access to handicapped parking.
Trump asks the boy if this is for his mom or his dad.
The boy says that it's for him.
"But kid, you're not in a wheelchair." says Trump.
"I will be when my dad finds out what I've done."

I was delivering a parcel. I walked up to the front door and knocked, before noticing a sign.

"If not in, leave with neighbours."
I tried one more time and nobody answered, so I walked to their neighbour's front door.
A young couple answered. I said, "Get in the van, I've been told to take you with me."

A cement mixer has collided with a prison van.

Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals.

A Joke from the Late Great Townes Van Zandt

A drunk is walking down the street and bumps into a cop.
The drunk says, Man, they stole my car.
The cop says, Well where was it?
The drunk says, Right on the end of this key.
The cop says, You better to go down to the precinct and they'll fill out all the proper paperwork, but before you do that you better zip up your pants.
The drunk looks down and says, Ah man, they got my girl too.

How do you stop a kidnapper from putting you in the back of a van?

Just call shotgun, now you've got the window seat.

A bass player runs into a bar...

where the guitar player and the singer are busy setting up. Breathless, he says "We've got a big problem! I locked my keys in the van!" "Whatever, man" says the singer, "We've got a gig to do, we'll worry about it later." "No, you don't understand" said the bassist, "the drummer is trapped inside!"

Before I started working out, I used to have a hard time picking up chicks.

Now I can toss them in the back of the van no problem.

What do you call vehicles falling from the sky?

Van Halen

Things are pretty bad right now

Van Diesel was forced to change his name to Van Electric due to increasing gas prices.

My friends vehicle was stolen...

Where did Vincent's Van Go?

Gas prices are getting out of hand

There was an attempted heist at the art museum. It seems the gang was Baroque and needed Monet. But they didn't buy enough of Degas to make the Van Gogh so they all got arrested.

I just saw a man pick up a screaming child and take her to his van.

Man, kids are getting carried away these days.

A cement truck smashed into a prison van...

Police are telling people to be on the lookout for 8 hardened criminals.

So today I smashed my van in to the side of this blonde lasses car...

It was totally my fault, the car was a write off and the girl was very shook up, you could tell she was in shock so I told her I had a few cans of beer in the back of my van if she wanted them to get over the shock ..... She accepted, drunk a few then asked me if I was having one, I told her I'd wait until the police had been.

Hey baby, is that a gun in my pocket?

Get in the van.

Stallone thought of creating an action movie about composers.

Stallone: I'll play Beethoven
Van Damme: I'll be Mozart
Schwarzenegger: Shut up! I'll not say it.

What did Picasso say when he entered the parking garage?

Where did my van go?
(courtesy of my teenage daughter)

A cement mixer collided with a prison van

Be sure to look out for 10 hardened criminals.

Vincent Van Gogh's Relatives

His Obnoxious brother: Please Gogh.
His Dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh.
His prune-loving brother: Gotta Gogh.
His Convenience-Store-Owner cousin: Stop'n'Gogh
His Constipated uncle: Can't Gogh
The Ballroom dancer aunt: Tan Gogh
His Nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh
His Fruit Loving cousin: Man Gogh
His sister who loves disco: Go Gogh
His bouncy little Nephew: Poe Gogh.

Composers

Stallone: 'I'm making a movie about composers, I'll be Beethoven'
Van Damme: 'I'll be Mozart'
Schwarzenegger: 'Stop it guys, I'm not saying it!'

What do chemists say when they wanna play a song at guitar?

"Anyway, here's van der Waal."

What do you call an art thief's getaway car?

A van go.

What's the hardest thing about being an audiophile?

Convincing the sound to get into your van.

A man was moving to another country and needed to find a new home for his 15 pet monkeys.

He saw a man driving down the road with a big van and so he shouted after him,
"I'll give you €50 to bring these monkeys to the zoo for me"
The man with the van agreed and left with the monkeys in his van.
A couple of hours go by and while he is on his way to the airport, he sees the man with the van again coming up the road with all 15 monkeys still in the back.
"I thought I gave you money to bring those monkeys to the zoo?"
"I did, we had some change from the €50 so I'm bringing them to the cinema now"

I saw a man drive through my city with a van full of herbs and spices

He was a thyme traveler

Roses are red. Violets are blue.

I have a knife. Get in the van.

I saw a van covered in dirt...

I saw a van that was covered in dirt & someone had written "I wish my wife was as dirty as this van".
I wrote "she is-when you're at work!"

A woman accidentally crashed her car into a van because she was using a v**... while driving. The hospital said she is in stable and extremely relaxed condition.

The driver of the van said he never saw her coming.

I wish the auto manufacturers would make up their minds.

I was behind a van that said Dodge on the back of it then a truck that was marked Ram. What do they want us to do? Avoid them or hit them?

Art thief.

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security, getting out and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:
"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

What did the artist say when his car got stolen?

Where did my Van Gogh?

What did the art thief's say when they jumped in the getaway vehicle after a heist?

Van Gogh

Some idiot broke into our van last night and stole our limbo stick

How low can you go.

Science joke

What song does a gas molecule sing when it is attracted to another gas molecule?
"Because maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all, you're my Van Der Waal"

A prison van and a cement truck collided

Several hardened criminals escaped

Two wrongs don't make a right...

...For example, your parents.
(Saw this spray painted on the back of a van. No idea if it's from something)

Why did the vampire set Van Helsing's house on fire?

He likes his stakes well done

Me and the wife just bought a new van

You Odyssey it

jokes about van