van Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious van puns

"So is that a gun in your trousers or are you just happy to see me?"

"Both ,now get in the van"


What did Mike Tyson say to Vincent van Gogh??

You gonna eat that?


A coworker told me I was a pedophile and said I probably had a van that said "Free Candy" on the side.

I told him that would be pointless. My target demographic can't read yet.


Kids these days are so stupid

They actually believe I've got chocolate in my van


A nun was out for a walk...

...when a black van pulls up beside her. A man jumps out and drags her into the van were he proceeds to rape her. When he's done he stands up beside her and asks:
- So what are you gonna tell your sisters when you get back?
- I will tell them the truth. That a horrible man attacked me and raped me twice.
- Twice? the man asks.
- Yes. the nun replies. If your not in a rush of course?


What type of fuel do painters prefer?

Whatever makes the van gogh..

-id like to mention, for what its worth, that this is an original joke (as stupid as it is), which i thought of independently. I was and am proud of it. If anyone finds it somewhere else please burst my bubble.


Little Johnny is walking through a park...

When a man in a van pulls up to him and says "Hey kid, I'll give you a piece of candy if you come in my van"

Little Johnny looks at him and says "Shit man, give me the whole bag of candy, and I'll come in your mouth"


Is that a gun in your pocket or are you happy to see me?

Both! Now get in the fucking van.


Breaking news just in. A cement mixer has collided with a prison van on the highway,

Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals


Kids today are way too expensive. Now days they want iPads and PlayStations.

They used to just get in the van if you offered them candy.


Offensive (possible repost but I made it up myself)

A pedophile drives up to his friend in a van and says "I'll trade you two fives for a ten".


Two foot fetishists are sitting in the back of a police van.

One turns to the other says:

"I think we got off on the wrong foot."


Why did Van Gogh become a painter?

Because he didn't have an ear for music.


A strange van pulls up to a 12 year old boy walking down the street...

The man in the van holds out a bag of candy and says, "hey kid, if I give you a piece of candy will you come in my van?"

To that the kid replies, "I'll come in your mouth if you give me the whole bag."


Art Thief

An art thief pulls off an incredible heist at the Louvre. He loads a bunch of priceless paintings in the back of his van and drives off.

He is about to make the perfect getaway when his van suddenly stops. The authorities nab him, and one of them asks "what happened to the van?"

The thief replies:

"I did not have the Monet

to buy Degas

to make the Van Gogh"


A creepy van pulls up to playground.

A sleazy, balding man exits and eyes the playground. He spots Little Billy playing in the sandbox. The man approaches Billy and says "Hey little boy I'll give you a whole bag of candy if you come inside my van"
Little Billy looked up and replied "Shit mister for a bag of candy I'll come in your mouth!".


This guy wants to be an actor

Even though he is quite talented, his weird name is getting on his way.

No talent hunter will give him a chance. He is very proud of his name and is not willing to change any of it: Penis Wagon Lesbian.

He will not use a stage name either.

Years go by without him getting any role. Finally he meets a talent hunter who is willing to meet him half way. Keep his name, just in a different form.

The first movie of Dick Van Dyke was a success.


Art Thief

A mastermind thief infiltrates The Louvre and steals several paintings. He loads them all into his van and drives off. A few blocks away, his van breaks down. When the police arrive on the scene, one of the officers asks the mastermind how something like this could happen if he was so smart. The mastermind replies with "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."


Sylvester Stallone, Jean Claude Van Damme, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are all making a movie about classical composers.

Sylvester Stallone said, "I'll be mozart."
Jean Claude Van Damme said, "I'll be Beethoven."
Schwarzenegger said, "I'll be bach."



Jean Claude Van Dam, Steven Segal, and Arnold Schwarzenagger all decide to go out trick-or-treating as musical composers for Halloween. They go into a costume store and look for masks. Jean Claude sees a costume that he likes and says, "I think I'll go as Beethoven." Steven Segal sees a costume that grabs his attention and says, "I'll be Mozart." Arnold had a tough time finding a costume that he liked, but he eventually found one that appeased his interest. He picks up a costume and said, "I'll be Bach."


A prison van crashed into a cement mixer this morning...

Police are currently on the lookout for half a dozen hardened criminals.


Two men with Alzheimer's are sat in a park...

... when they hear an ice-cream van pull up nearby. Bob turns to Bill and asks 'do you want an ice-cream Bill?'
Bob says 'yes please, but don't forget the chocolate sauce.'

Bob says 'I won't forget, don't worry. Anything else?'

Bill says 'in that case, I'll have some chopped nuts on it too. Don't forget now.'

Bob says 'I won't, don't worry. Chocolate sauce and chopped nuts, coming right up' and

Bob wanders off in the direction of the ice-cream van.

After 40 minutes, Bob finally turns up with two hot-dogs. Bill says 'you fool Bob! I knew you'd forget! I wanted mustard on mine!'


A woman walks into an ice cream parlour

A woman walks into an ice cream parlour and askes for a scoop of chocolate ice cream.

"Im sorry, ma'am, but we're out of chocolate ice cream"

"Ok. Then I guess I'll have a pint of chocolate ice cream."

"Sorry. But we dont have any more chocolate ice cream."

"Alright. Then can I have a quart of chocolate ice cream?"

"Ma'am. How do you spell the "van" in "vanilla?""


"And how do you spell the "straw" in "strawberry?""


"And how do you spell the "fuck" in "chocolate?""

"...There is no fuck in chocolate."

"That's what I've been trying to tell you this entire time."


Gorilla in my tree!

A guy goes outside to mow the lawn and sees a gorilla up in his tree. He calls animal control, they say the gorilla is from the zoo and they will send an expert over right away.

The expert shows up in a van, opens up the van and removes a coil of rope, a net, a pointy stick, a pet carrier with a dog in it, and a shotgun. The homeowner looks at these tools and says "How is this going to work?"

The expert says "I'm going to use the rope to climb up the tree. I poke the gorilla with the stick, the gorilla falls out of the tree, the dog run over and hold the gorilla by biting him on the balls, then you throw the net over the gorilla until I can get down and put him in the van."

The guy says "OK, but what's the shotgun for?"

The expert says "If the gorilla knocks *me* out of the tree, *you shoot that fucking dog!*"


An Art Thief is Sitting in His Driveway...

He didn't have any Monet, to buy Degas, to make his Van Gogh.


I have no problem getting women into the sack...

... it's getting the sack into the back of my van that's the problem.


A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof

So he looks up the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he"ll be there in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a huge, ferocious looking dog.

"What are you going to do?", the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put up this ladder against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with the bat. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to grab the gorilla's testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will be subdued enough for me to lock him in the cage in the back of the van.", says the gorilla remover and hands him the shotgun.

"What's the shotgun for?", asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog."


The penguin joke (my favorite joke)

One day a Cop pulls a van over and when he walks up to the window he sees ten penguins in the back.

The cop asks the man "are those your penguins?"

The man Says "yes, they are my pets."

The cop replies to the man "You need to take them to the zoo right now."

So the man agrees and drives off. The next day the cop pulls over the same van and he walks up to the window and sees the ten pengins all wearing sunglasses.

The cop says to the man "I thought i told you to take those penguins to the zoo."

The man says "I did, today we are going to the beach!"


A guy in a van pulls up next to a Rolls-Royce

at a red light and asks, "Hey, is your car Bluetooth enabled?" The Rolls owner nods.

"So is mine. Got Wi-Fi?" The Rolls owner nods again. "Me too. What about a double bed?"

"No. Do you?" asks the Rolls guy.
"Yep." The light changes and the van takes off. Jealous, the Rolls guy heads to a Pimp My Rolls customising shop and gets a double bed installed, then drives around until he finds the van parked on the side of the road. He raps on the window.

"Guess what? I got a double bed put in my car, too."

The van owner peers out. "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?"


A young man wants to be an actor...

...and is visiting an agent. The agent asked him all sorts of questions about what types of movies he wants to play in, his experience, and where he was from and at the end said "You sounds quite promising, I can arrange some auditions and keep you informed about whats available. What is your name?" and the young man responds "Penis van Lesbian."

At first the agent thinks he is joking, but the man is serious. The agent tells him "I think you'll need to change your name or use a stage name, no one will hire you with a name like Penis van Lesbian." Mr. Lesbian is quite perturbed and says he'll think about it.

The next day, he comes back. He tells the agent that he decided to change his name so that he could act, even though he liked his name and was quite attached to it. The producer asks him what his new name is, and he responds.

"Dick van Dyke"


A man awakens to find a gorilla in his tree...

So he looks in the phone book and finds the Gorilla Removal Service.

After waiting some time, a van pulls up. The removal technician climbs out carrying a stick, a shotgun and a Chihuahua.

He tells his client, "Okay how this works is I climb into the tree with the gorilla, poke him with this stick and when he jumps down the Chihuahua is trained to grab him by the penis and carry him into my truck."

The man immediately responds, "Okay, so what is the shotgun for?"

Tech, "Shoot the Chihuahua if I fall from the tree before the gorilla."


A bear climbs up a tree in a man's backyard and won't get down so he calls animal control...

An animal control van pulls up and a man steps out with a pitbull by his side. He comes up to the owner, hands him a semi-automatic rifle and says: "Here is the plan, I climb up the tree and start shaking it, when the bear falls out, my pitbull Fluffy here will bite him by the balls and drag him back to my van. Got it?". The owner, startled, says: "OK sure, but what the hell is the gun for?". The man replies: "In case I fall off the tree first, you better empty the fucking clip on Fluffy!"


Man goes into ice cream shop...

Man goes into ice cream shop and asks for a chocolate ice cream cone. The clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, we are all out of chocolate, but we have strawberry, vanilla, and 29 other flavors." The man says, "ok, how about a chocolate sundae?" The clerk replies, "um, I'm sorry sir, but we are all out of chocolate, but we have strawberry, vanilla, and 29 other flavors." The man then says, "ok just give me a chocolate milkshake."

The clerk, exasperated says, "Look man, can you spell?"
Man: "uh, sure, I'm a school teacher."
Clerk: "OK, spell STRAW in strawberry"
Man: "s.t.r.a.w."
Clerk: "OK, spell VAN in vanilla"
Man: "v.a.n."
Clerk: "Now spell FUCK in chocolate"
Man: "but...there's no fuck in chocolate"
Clerk: "That's what I've been trying to tell you!!"


I went to one of those colleges where you can make up your own degree...

I ended up with a major in paedophilia and a minor in the back of my van.


What did the artist say to get his vehicle moving

Van Gogh


What are the most funny Van jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Van? Well, here are the best Van dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Van pick up lines to share with friends.

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