The Best 79 Vampires Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Vampires jokes. There are some vampires lycanthrope jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these vampires stakeholder puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Vampires Jokes and Puns

I don't know why women have a fascination with Twilight.

The reason being, vampires and women are entirely different. One is a blood sucking monster that preys on the helpless and the other are vampires.

A Vampire walks into a bar...

A vampire walks into a bar and takes a seat at the bar. When the bartender asks what he'll have to drink the vampire replies, "a glass of hot water." The bartender a bit confused asks, "I thought you vampires drank blood?" The vampire proceeds to pull out a used tampon and replies, "I'm having tea."

What's the best time of this month for vampires?

It depends on the girl

Three vampires walk into a bar.

The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."

The second one says, "I'll have one, too."

The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."

The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"

jokes about vampires

Two vampires are sitting in a bar...

and the barkeep comes up and asks, "what can I get for you guys?"

The first vampire says, "I'll just have a glass of blood"

The second vampire says, "I'll have a glass of hot water"

The first vampire is rather confused and says to the second vampire, "hot water? This place has the best blood in town!"

The second vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I'm having tea"


Three vampires walk into a bar...

...and sit down.
The bartender comes over and ask them what they want to drink.
1st vampire: "Give me a shot of blood."
2nd vampire: "I want a double shot."
3rd vampire: "All I want is a cup of hot water."
The bartender goes and gets the drinks and comes back. He hands them the drinks, but looks kind of confused. The bartender asked the 3rd vampire, "Why didn't you order any blood?"
The vampire pulls out a tampon and replies "I'm making tea."

So to celebrate the Halloween season...

... I was going to go to a 200 year old building that was apparently set up with shriveled up old corpses, dangerous bandits, bloodsucking vampires, hellbent soulless demons, and the like. But it turns out the Capitol Building is closed for tours until a budget resolution is reached.

Vampires joke, So to celebrate the Halloween season...

Two Vampires wal into a bar.

Two vampires walk into a bar. They both sit at a table and wait for employee to come. Once the employee comes one of the vampires asks for a glass of blood, while the other asks for hot water.
When the employee delivers the orders to the table he couldn't avoid to ask:
- Why would a vampire drink hot water?
The vampire, slowly goes into his pocket and brings out a used tampon and says:
- I prefer tea sir...

**

What would Abraham Lincoln say if he found out there was a movie about him slaying vampires?

What's a movie?

What is a vampires least favorite food?

Steak!

...I'll see myself out now.

What did the two lesbian vampires say to each other?

Same time next month?

You can explore vampires fang reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean vampires clots dad jokes. There are also vampires puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


I think there are nine vampires coming to my dinner party.

Oh, wait... I forgot to Count Dracula.

Three vampires walk into a bar...

The first vampire walks up to the bar and the bar man asks what he can get him.

Vampire 1 responds "A nice warm cup of blood"

Bartender says "coming right up"

Vampire 2 pipes up and says "make mine cold!"

After the bartender hands the second vampire his drink he turns to the third vampire.

The bartender asks " let me guess, you want a cup of blood as well?"

Vampire 3 sits down and says "actually may I get a glass of hot water?"

Bartender is in shock and asks "hot water? But why?"

Vampire 3 takes a used tampon out of his coat pocket and responds

"I'm having tea"

Count Dracula walks into a bar...

and asks the bar man for a cup of boiling water. The bar man quickly returns with the water as requested, and puts it on the bar in front of Dracula. Curious, the bar man says to Dracula "Forgive me, but I thought you vampires only drank blood, what do you want the hot water for?" Dracula takes a used tampon from his cloak pocket. "For making tea, of course" replies Dracula.

Why is it difficult to punish vampires?

They can't reflect on what they've done.

Three vampires are sitting on the graveyard wall.

Three vampires are sitting on the graveyard wall.

The first says that he is really hungry and flys into the night. After half an hour he returns and his mouth is full of blood. The other two ask him: "where did you get that?" He answers: "Do you see that little light across the hill? It was a little family at a camping trip. Delicious!"Β 

The second vampire starts in the air and returns 15minutes later, the whole face covered with blood. The others ask jealousy: "Where have you been?" Smiling he answers: "You guys see that group of lights down there? It was a wedding with over 20guests. I don't have to eat for a week!"

Finally the third vampire starts into the dark sky, and returns about five minutes later. His whole body, top to bottom is covered in blood.

Exited the other two ask:"Man where did you go?!"Β 

"Do you see that tree right there?"

"Yes"

"Well, I didn't"

Vampires joke, Three vampires are sitting on the graveyard wall.

Three vampires walk into a bar...

The first two order a pint of blood each, the third asks for a jug of boiling water, confused the barman asks "why?". The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea"

Because telescopes work using mirrors...

We'll never know if there are any space vampires.

what room zombies and vampires can't enter?

the living room.


i found out how to kill vegetarian vampires

a steak to the heart

3 vampires walk into a bar...

A vampire walks into a bar and orders a shot of hot blood.
15 minutes later, a second vampire walks in and does the same.
Not soon after, a third vampire walks in and orders a hot cup of water.
"Why the cup of water?" the other two asked.
He then pulled out a used tampon and said, "I'm making tea."

What would happen if you were to cross two snowmen with three vampires?

You would get severe frostbite.

Why do tampons have strings?

So vampires don't burn their fingers while making tea.

How many vampires showed up to the garlic eating competition?

I don't know, it was countless

How many vampires does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It depends if you Count Dracula.

Snowman puns to celebrate the snowstorm in my area

What do vampires get when they bite snowmen?
"Frostbite"

What is a snowman's favorite cereal?
"Snowflakes"

Why didn't the snowman answer the question?
"He didn't snow the answer"

What does a snowman like to ride?
"An icicle"

How can you tell a snowman is angry at you?
"You get the cold shoulder... or an icy stare"

Vampires joke, Snowman puns to celebrate the snowstorm in my area

What kind of boat do vampires like?

Blood vessels

RIP to all the vampires

who got fooled by the solar eclipse.

Two vampires walk into a bar

Two vampires sit down at a bar. The first vampire orders a glass of blood but the second one just asks for a cup of hot water.

The first vampire is surprised by this and remarks "Just water? Are you feeling alright?"

The second vampire waves him off and pulls a dripping tampon from his coat pocket "Yes yes I'm just in the mood for some tea!"


Why do vampires never think about the past?

Because they never reflect.

How do Vampires like their steak?

Any way is fine other than through their chest

Why don't vampires feel bad about the evil things they do?

They're incapable of reflection

(I'll see myself out)

I was trying to remember all the vampires I know.

But I forgot to Count Dracula.

A vampire walks into a bar...

The bartender nervously says "what do you want to drink?"

The vampire says "hot water please"

The bartender hands him the hot water saying "I thought vampires drank blood?"

The vampire pulls a used tampon out of his pocket and puts it into the water "I'm having tea."


Why Don't vampires like gambling?

They get nervous when the stakes are raised.

What do humans and vampires have in common?

Both die when you stick a wooden stake in their hearts

Where are LGBTQ vampires from?

TRANSylvania

Since Vampires are supposedly hurt by holy water, I always wondered why priests don't just say a prayer over every storm cloud, kill the vampires from above. Then I realized why so many Vampires are from Europe...

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

Hello! Do you have a minute to talk about Dracula?

"Hello! Do you have a minute to talk about Dracula?"
"No- wait, Dracula?"
"Yes!"
"You're vampires?"
"Yes. We have pamphlets."
"Vampires have missionaries?"
"Where else would new vampires come from?"
"I assumed you bit people."
"There are many hurtful stereotypes. May we come in?"

Why are there no vampires in africa?

Because they blessed the rains down in africa.

If vampires are hurt by holy water, why don't priests just bless a storm cloud to kill vampires everywhere? But then I remembered why so many vampires are from Europe...

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa.

I've set up a company to rid people of vampires.

I'm the main stakeholder.

Vampire missionaries

"Hello, do you have a minute to talk about Dracula?"

No. Wait..."Dracula" Dracula?

"Yes!"

So you're vampires?

"Yes. We have pamphlets"

Vampires have missionaries now?

"How else would we get new vampire members?"

But don't you just like, bite people?

"That's a hurtful stereotype sir. **May we come in?**"

What do redneck vampires drink?

Blood Light

Why are vampires so impulsive?

Because they never reflect on anything.

Did you know vampires aren't real?

Unless you Count Dracula.

Since vampires are hurt by holy water, I always wondered why Priests don't bless storm clouds and kill them from above. Then I realized why most vampires live in Europe

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

Vampires aren't even a real thing.

Unless you Count Dracula

Why do vampires make terrible businessmen?

>!They can't deal with stakeholders!<

I was wondering why there were so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa, and than I realized Vampires are killed by Holy water...

They blessed the rains down in Africa.

This is an old joke but my husband told me to never tell it again!

3 vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a Bloody Mary. The second orders a Bloody Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks a Bloody Mary?

The vampire shakes his head. Hot water for me

Hot water?

I found a tampon out back and want to make tea

Why are there so many vampires in Europe and not in Africa?

Vampires are killed with holy water and they bless the rains down in Africa.

I was wondering why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe but not in África. Then i realised vampires are killed by holy water.

They bless the rains down in Africa .

Credits to u/Josh1804

I was confused why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa.

Then I remembered that vampires are killed by holy water.

They bless the rains down in Africa.

What do Covid and Vampires have in common?

The coughin'

Why don't vampires use autocorrect?

Because they love Type Os

Why do vampires never create new businesses?

They're afraid of the stakeholders

(A joke I just made up)

What kind of cheap beer do vampires drink?

Blood Light

Why are vampires so obsessed with necks?

Because they were raised by a neck romancer.

Three vampires walk into a bar

They all take a seat and the bartender comes up to serve them.

'I'll have a glass of blood', the first vampire says. The bartender hands it to him and looks over to the next vampire.

'I'll have a glass of blood too', the second vampire says. The bartender does the same before walking up to the third.

'I'll have a cup of boiling water please', the third vampire requests. The bartender looks at him, puzzled.

'Not having a glass of blood like your friends?', the bartender asks.

'Not today.' the final vampire said, taking out a used tampon from his pocket. 'I'm making tea.'

Why do vampires dress in Victorian clothes?

Because they love period sex.

I don't know why girls are obsessed with vampires

They suck.

Where do college age vampires shop?

Forever 21

Most vampires suck at maths

unless you Count Dracula

People still think there are vampires in Romania.

But I haven't seen one since 1645.

I once killed six zombies and nine vampires

I still wonder why they were carrying bags of candy....

Why should you always bet against vampires?

Vampires flee as soon as you raise the stake.

Why are there so few Irish vampires?

They can't stand Gaelic.

Why don't vampires suck on the British?

Because they taste like bloody hell

It was a tough Halloween this year..

I staked 5 vampires, beheaded 3 zombies and exorcised 8 ghosts.

Then the wife came out screaming something about
"No, no you give them candy!!!"

A vampire walks into a grocery shop and asks for a bread.

The clerk looks at him and asks: 'Aren't you a vampire?'
The vampire says: 'Yes, I am.'
To that the clerk responds: 'Oh, then I have much better stuff for you than bread. I have bloody sausages, nice fresh liver, duck blood, pork blood - whatever you want!'
The vampire replies: 'No, thank you, I want just the bread.'
The clerk asks: 'OK, but tell me - why the bread? I never imagined vampires like bread so much.'
The vampire looks at him, leans closer and says: "There is a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.'

baby you are like a full moon on a cloudless night

you should be able to kill vampires but you don't i just can't understand why

A vampires favorite ship

Is a blood vessel.

Wife: "Who's the new Batman?" | Me: "Robert Pattinson"

Wife: "So vampires do turn into bats."


(I have no idea if she heard this elsewhere, but I def laughed at breakfast.)

Why are there no vampires in Africa?

Because they bless the rains down in Africa!

Vampires suck your blood to get vitamin D, because they can not be out in the sun.

Have you ever thought about that?

No, because all you think about is yourself.

Why are vampires very bad Product Managers?

Because they refuse to meet with stake holders

Vampires live in europe

Because someone blessed the rains down in Africa

I can do anything better than you

Three Vampires trying to outdo one another. The first went away, come back with blood trickling out the side of his mouth. "I killed the whole family. The 2nd one went and comeback with even more blood. I killed the whole town. 3rd one goes away. Comes back, his whole body is saturated with blood. Wow look at you.
He goes, "You see those bunch of trees down there".
They goΒ "Yes".
He goes "Well I fucken didn't".

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the vampires transylvania jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working vampires blood piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes