Vampire Jokes
149 vampire jokes and hilarious vampire puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about vampire that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Do you love vampire jokes? Check out this hilarious article for the best vampire jokes about vampire diaries, vampire halloween, vampire bat, vampire blood, vampire kid, vampire diaries damon, vampire garlic, zombies, and stakeholders. Get ready to laugh and stake your claim with these funny jokes!
Quick Jump To
- Short Vampire Jokes
- Vampire One Liners
- Vampire Blood Jokes
- Vampire Bat Jokes
- Vampire Coffin Jokes
- Vampire Halloween Jokes
- More Vampire Jokes
Funniest Vampire Short Jokes
Short vampire jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The vampire humour may include short werewolf jokes also.
- I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself... my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"
- I was confused why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa. Then I remembered that vampires are killed by holy water.
They bless the rain down in Africa. - My girlfriend asked me who my favorite vampire is. I replied, "The one from Sesame Street."
She said, "He doesn't count."
"Oh I assure you, he does." - Wife: "Who's the new Batman?" | Me: "Robert Pattinson" Wife: "So vampires do turn into bats."
(I have no idea if she heard this elsewhere, but I def laughed at breakfast.) - I always wondered why you hear stories of vampires in Europe but never Africa. Then I remembered vampires are killed by holy water, and they bless the rain down in Africa
- A friend asked me who my favourite vampire was. "That puppet from Sesame Street", I replied.
They told me he didn't count.
I said, "I beg to differ...". - Human drinks a Vampire's blood. Out of curiosity, the Vampire asks what it tastes like. "It's irony."
- To kill a French vampire, you have to drive a baguette through it's heart. Sounds easy, but the process is painstaking.
- I was recently asked who my favourite vampire was. I said, the muppet from Sesame Street. They told me, He doesn't count!
I replied, I assure you, he does. - Robert Pattinson is an awful vampire It took him 11 years to figure out how to turn into a bat
Share These Vampire Jokes With Friends
Vampire One Liners
Which vampire one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with vampire? I can suggest the ones about zombie and monster.
- A man was drinking the blood of a vampire... He said, "Hm, irony"
- What do you call a vampire out on a date? A neck romancer
- What did the two lesbian vampires say to each other? Same time next month?
- I bought 75% of shares in a vampire hunting business. I'm the main stakeholder.
- Why don't vampires use autocorrect? Because they love Type Os
- Why did the vampire pull out? He needed permission to come inside.
- What is a vampire's favourite thing to do? Crack open a boy with the cold ones.
- Did you know vampires aren't real? Unless you Count dracula.
- I think my friend is a vampire I stabbed him in the heart with a wooden stake and he died
- What did one lesbian vampire say to another? Same time next month?
- People still think there are vampires in Romania. But I haven't seen one since 1645.
- A vampires favorite ship Is a blood vessel.
- What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? See you next month!
- I killed a vampire last Halloween ...or a kid. Either way, the wooden stake worked.
- How often does the vampire go down on his wife? Periodically
Vampire Blood Jokes
Here is a list of funny vampire blood jokes and even better vampire blood puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What kind of boat do vampires like? Blood vessels
- A vampire walks into a blood bar with a big smile on his face.... The bartender looks at him confused and the vampire says, "Always B positive!"
- There was a vampire who drank his own blood He said it tasted irony.
- What do vampire hummingbirds eat? Your blood sugar!
My wife won't laugh at this :( - What does a vampire drink while on a diet? Blood Light®.
- What do you call a vampire whose car breaks down 3 miles from a blood bank? A cab.
- It's okay if a vampire drinks his homies' blood. But only if he says "No Hemo" after.
- What kind of cheap beer do vampires drink? Blood Light
- What were the names of the two rival vampire gangs? The bloods and the crypts
- I'm working on a book about vampire gangs. I'm titling it the Bloods and the Crypts.
Vampire Bat Jokes
Here is a list of funny vampire bat jokes and even better vampire bat puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Robert Pattinson is the worst vampire ever. Took him 15 years to figure out how to turn himself into a bat
- Did you hear Stephen Miller's wife tested positive for COVID? It turns out swallowing vampire is as dangerous as eating bat.
- Why did the vampire have to get glasses? Because he was blind as a bat!
(My 4 year old sister came up with this one yesterday) - Robert Pattinson is the worst vampire ever. It took him 12 years to transform into a bat.
- Have you heard about the vampire turned poet? He went from _bat_ ... to __verse__!
- What do Vampires learn at school? Alpha-bat
- How do you give a vampire a concussion? Hit it with a bat
- What do vampire fruit bats eat? Blood oranges.
- Why did the vampire need mouthwash? Because he had bat breath.
- What do you call a gay vampire? A fruit bat.
Vampire Coffin Jokes
Here is a list of funny vampire coffin jokes and even better vampire coffin puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How did one vampire give COVID to the other one? By coffin on him!
Happy Halloween :) - How do you know if a vampire has COVID? He's coffin
- How do you know a vampire is sick? He coffin
- How can you tell vampirism is a disease? On account of the coffin.
- How did one vampire give COVID to the other? By coffin on him!
- How can you tell if a vampire has a horrible cold? by his deep loud coffin! ☺
- How did the vampire know he was sick? He was coffin
- How to you tell if a vampire is sick? By how much he is coffin
- Why do people think Vampires have Coronavirus? Because they're always coffin.
- Why was the vampire quarantined? Because he was coffin
Vampire Halloween Jokes
Here is a list of funny vampire halloween jokes and even better vampire halloween puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A Halloween Limerick A lady vampire named Mable
Had a period that was awfully stable.
So once a full moon
She took out her spoon
And drank herself under the table. - It was a tough Halloween this year.. I staked 5 vampires, beheaded 3 zombies and exorcised 8 ghosts.
Then the wife came out screaming something about
"No, no you give them candy!!!" - There were so many vampires at my Halloween party I lost Count. ]
- Q: What did the full moon vampire say to the other full moon vampire?
A: See you next month! - What is a vampires favourite type of ship? A blood vessel.
- Halloween can be tricky and dangerous night for you vampire slayers so try to stake safe tonight, everyone!
- What do you do when fifty vampires show up at your house? Hope it's Halloween
- Why wasn't the vampire working? He was on his coffin break.
- Q: How do vampires get around on Halloween?
A: On blood vessels.
Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Vampire Jokes and Friends
What funny jokes about vampire you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean twilight jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make vampire pranks.
A Vampire walks into a bar...
A vampire walks into a bar and takes a seat at the bar. When the bartender asks what he'll have to drink the vampire replies, "a glass of hot water." The bartender a bit confused asks, "I thought you vampires drank blood?" The vampire proceeds to pull out a used t**... and replies, "I'm having tea."
My dad's favourite joke - Harry the vampire bat
So one day Harry the vampire bat gets back to his cave, with his entire face absolutely covered with blood. All the other bats are incredulous, demanding where Harry found all the blood. Harry agrees to show them. So they all follow Harry out of the cave, over the river, and through some fields, until they get to a field with a single tree in the middle of it. All the bats are impatient, saying 'Harry is the blood here? Where is it, man? Harry replied 'You see that tree there? I didn't.'
What do you call a gullible vampire?
A s**...
Three vampires walk into a bar.
The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."
The second one says, "I'll have one, too."
The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."
The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"
Two vampires are sitting in a bar...
and the barkeep comes up and asks, "what can I get for you guys?"
The first vampire says, "I'll just have a glass of blood"
The second vampire says, "I'll have a glass of hot water"
The first vampire is rather confused and says to the second vampire, "hot water? This place has the best blood in town!"
The second vampire pulls out a used t**... and says, "I'm having tea"
A Vampire died and was in the process of being reincarnated...
They asked him, "What would you like to have in your next lifetime?"
"Drinking blood is good but I don't like hunting, ideally I'd like to have a easy supply of fresh blood."
"Alright."
"I also like turning into a bat and flying, so let me retain wings.", he said.
"Noted."
"One last thing, my dark complexion seems to scare people too much, can I turn into something white?"
"Sure thing."
**p**...**
He became a m**... pad.
What is a vampires least favorite food?
Steak!
...I'll see myself out now.
I think there are nine vampires coming to my dinner party.
Oh, wait... I forgot to Count Dracula.
Three apprentice vampire bats
Three apprentice vampire bats are taken out to a farm and told to get as much blood as they can find by their teacher. 15 minutes go by and the first vampire bay returns with a little bit of blood on his teeth.
'Where did you get that blood' asked the teacher.
'Do you see that chicken? That's where I got it.' the bat replied.
Shortly after the second vampire bat returns with blood dripping from his snout.
Where did you get that blood' asked the teacher.
'Do you see that chicken? Do you see that cow beyond the chicken? That's where I got it.' the second bat replied.
Some time later the third bat returns with his whole face caked in blood.
Where did you get that blood!' asked the teacher.
'Do you see that chicken? Do you see that cow beyond the chicken? Do you see that wall beyond the cow? I didn't.'
2 nuns are driving down a dark road..
.. when suddenly a vampire jumps out in front of the car, and forces them to stop.
He climbs onto the car and starts looking hungrily at them.
"What should we do?" - asks one nun
"Show him your cross!" - replies the other.
so the nun shouts : "Get off my f**king car!!"
Would a charming vampire be a neck-romancer?
Three vampires walk into a bar...
The first vampire walks up to the bar and the bar man asks what he can get him.
Vampire 1 responds "A nice warm cup of blood"
Bartender says "coming right up"
Vampire 2 pipes up and says "make mine cold!"
After the bartender hands the second vampire his drink he turns to the third vampire.
The bartender asks " let me guess, you want a cup of blood as well?"
Vampire 3 sits down and says "actually may I get a glass of hot water?"
Bartender is in shock and asks "hot water? But why?"
Vampire 3 takes a used t**... out of his coat pocket and responds
"I'm having tea"
Two vampire bats are hanging from the ceiling of their cave...
... and one of them says he's hungry, so he flies off to find some food. Within a minute, he's back, blood all round his mouth, looking like he's had a really good meal.
The other bat is amazed, and says, "Where did you find so much blood so fast?"
So the first bat says, "Come with me, I'll show you." And he leads his friend to the mouth of the cave.
"See that big rock there?" He asks.
The other bat nods.
"I didn't."
You see that wall?
A group of vampire bats are hanging out in a cave. All the food in the area is gone and they are the brink of starving to death. One of the bats decides leave to look for food out of desperation. He comes back 30 minutes later and has blood on his face. The other bats are very curious and ask him repeatedly where he got the blood from. Each time, he tries to ignore them and says he doesn't want to talk about it. After 30 minutes of questioning, he breaks down and tells the others to follow him. He flies them to a huge mountainous wall 15 minutes away, and stops. He looks at the others and says,
'You see that wall?'
And they all exciteldy repeat, 'Yea yea, we see it!'
He says again, 'Do you really see that wall?'
They all say again in anticipation, 'Yea yea we see it!'
'Well I didn't!'
Three vampires are sitting on the graveyard wall.
Three vampires are sitting on the graveyard wall.
The first says that he is really hungry and flys into the night. After half an hour he returns and his mouth is full of blood. The other two ask him: "where did you get that?" He answers: "Do you see that little light across the hill? It was a little family at a camping trip. Delicious!"
The second vampire starts in the air and returns 15minutes later, the whole face covered with blood. The others ask jealousy: "Where have you been?" Smiling he answers: "You guys see that group of lights down there? It was a wedding with over 20guests. I don't have to eat for a week!"
Finally the third vampire starts into the dark sky, and returns about five minutes later. His whole body, top to bottom is covered in blood.
Exited the other two ask:"Man where did you go?!"
"Do you see that tree right there?"
"Yes"
"Well, I didn't"
There's only one vampire on Sesame Street...
At least, only one that counts.
A vampire m**... into a mirror.
You didn't see that coming.
3 vampires walk into a bar...
A vampire walks into a bar and orders a shot of hot blood.
15 minutes later, a second vampire walks in and does the same.
Not soon after, a third vampire walks in and orders a hot cup of water.
"Why the cup of water?" the other two asked.
He then pulled out a used t**... and said, "I'm making tea."
A vampire walks into a bar..
He approaches the barman. The barman asks, "what will it be?" The vampire asks for a mug of hot water. The barman confused asks "don't you folk drink blood?" The vampire pulls out a used t**... and says "I'm making tea"
How many vampires showed up to the garlic eating competition?
I don't know, it was countless
What did the Vampire say to the Teacher?
See you next period.
(Heard this 20 years ago, hope it's not overly recycled)
It's Friday, And I'm A Vampire.
Can't Wait To Have A Boy With The Cold Ones
I recently bought 51% of a vampire hunting company.
I'm now the main stake holder.
Two vampires walk into a bar
Two vampires sit down at a bar. The first vampire orders a glass of blood but the second one just asks for a cup of hot water.
The first vampire is surprised by this and remarks "Just water? Are you feeling alright?"
The second vampire waves him off and pulls a dripping t**... from his coat pocket "Yes yes I'm just in the mood for some tea!"
Why do vampires never think about the past?
Because they never reflect.
How do Vampires like their steak?
Any way is fine other than through their chest
Why don't vampires feel bad about the evil things they do?
They're incapable of reflection
(I'll see myself out)
I recently signed on as a partner at this vampire hunting firm.
I'm a stakeholder now.
A vampire walks into a bar...
The bartender nervously says "what do you want to drink?"
The vampire says "hot water please"
The bartender hands him the hot water saying "I thought vampires drank blood?"
The vampire pulls a used t**... out of his pocket and puts it into the water "I'm having tea."
Why Don't vampires like gambling?
They get nervous when the stakes are raised.
Why can't a vampire accidentally get you pregnant?
They have to ask you before they come inside!
Since Vampires are supposedly hurt by holy water, I always wondered why priests don't just say a prayer over every storm cloud, kill the vampires from above. Then I realized why so many Vampires are from Europe...
Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa
A Vampire walks into a bank and pulls a gun out
Hands up, this is a robbery! He declares, as he starts forcing the teller to fill a sack with cash.
One of the customers, cracking slightly under the pressure asks; Hey, shouldn't you be robbing a blood bank?
The vampire turns to them and grins.
No, see, I'm cursed. He explains.
Cursed?
Yep, I can only feed on smartasses, and there's always at least one when I pull this stunt.
Why are there no vampires in africa?
Because they blessed the rains down in africa.
If vampires are hurt by holy water, why don't priests just bless a storm cloud to kill vampires everywhere? But then I remembered why so many vampires are from Europe...
Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa.
Vampire missionaries
"Hello, do you have a minute to talk about Dracula?"
No. Wait..."Dracula" Dracula?
"Yes!"
So you're vampires?
"Yes. We have pamphlets"
Vampires have missionaries now?
"How else would we get new vampire members?"
But don't you just like, bite people?
"That's a hurtful stereotype sir. **May we come in?**"
Since vampires are hurt by holy water, I always wondered why Priests don't bless storm clouds and kill them from above. Then I realized why most vampires live in Europe
Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa
I'm afraid my wife might be a vampire.
She like to stay out all night, all of her guy friends invite her over before she can visit them and she always seems genuinely concerned when I try to stab her with a wooden stake.
A vampire m**... in front of a mirror
Bet you didn't see that coming.
Two nuns are driving through Transylvania when suddenly, out of nowhere, a vampire jumps on their windshield
The nuns panic and the one driving starts swerving the car to try knock him off, to no avail.
"Quick! Quick! Show him your cross! Show him your cross!", shouts the one nun.
The other nun looks at the vampire and shouts:
"Get the f\*\*k off the windshield!!"
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
See you the same time next month.
This is an old joke but my husband told me to never tell it again!
3 vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a b**... Mary. The second orders a b**... Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks a b**... Mary?
The vampire shakes his head. Hot water for me
Hot water?
I found a t**... out back and want to make tea
Why are there so many vampires in Europe and not in Africa?
Vampires are killed with holy water and they bless the rains down in Africa.
Someone asked me who my favorite vampire is in pop culture...
I said, "The one from Sesame Street."
They said, "He doesn't count!"
"I assure you," I said, "He does."
A French and British vampire walk into a bar
The French orders for a glass of champagne then mixes blood into it.
The British orders a cup of hot water, which makes the French surprised:
\- No tea?
\- Quite the contrary, my friend - The British replies - then pulls out a used t**... from his jacket
To kill a French vampire, you have to drive a baguette through its heart.
The process is painstaking.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy
**First night as a vampire hunter:** oh no
Why do vampires never create new businesses?
They're afraid of the stakeholders
(A joke I just made up)
Why are vampires so obsessed with necks?
Because they were raised by a neck romancer.
If a cup has had holy water in it, a vampire should never drink from it again.
There's too much risk of cross contamination.
How do you kill a vegan vampire?
Drive a steak through it's heart
Click here for a good old fashioned vampire joke.
Ha ha ha. You s**....
2 nuns are in a car at a stop light in Transylvania when a vampire blocks their car...
One nun says to the other Quick sister, show him your cross!
The other nun rolls down the window and yells Get the b**... h**... out of middle of the road a**...!
While discussing horror movies, my friend asked me who my favorite monster from film is.
Me: "Hmmm that's a tough one. I think I'd have to go with the vampire from Sesame Street."
Friend: "What!? He doesn't count."
Me: "Oh I assure you, he does."
i once found a vampire in my hotel so i stabbed it with a wooden stake, shined my flashlight at it and threw holy water at it. died instantly.
still don't know why it had a bucket of candy tho.
How does a vampire start a letter?
Tomb it may concern...
Somebody told me that I look like a vampire.
I looked in the mirror but I just don't see it.
A vampire decided to use his immortality to research the best career
He tried every type of job there was, from innovation to construction to civil service, and he landed on the job of mirror cleaner.
In his book on the subject, he said that the tai chi like motions of the arms were very relaxing, and the mirror will certainly get dirty again leading to job security.
"I'm as surprised as you are," wrote the vampire. "It was not a job I could see myself doing."
A vampire walks into a grocery shop and asks for a bread.
The clerk looks at him and asks: 'Aren't you a vampire?'
The vampire says: 'Yes, I am.'
To that the clerk responds: 'Oh, then I have much better stuff for you than bread. I have b**... sausages, nice fresh liver, duck blood, pork blood - whatever you want!'
The vampire replies: 'No, thank you, I want just the bread.'
The clerk asks: 'OK, but tell me - why the bread? I never imagined vampires like bread so much.'
The vampire looks at him, leans closer and says: "There is a huge car c**... at the intersection. I want to dip.'
Vampires s**... your blood to get vitamin D, because they can not be out in the sun.
Have you ever thought about that?
No, because all you think about is yourself.
How do you kill a French vampire?
You have to stab him/her with a baguette.
It sounds easy, but the process is painstaking.
Why are vampires very bad Product Managers?
Because they refuse to meet with stake holders
