The Best 82 Vampire Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Vampire jokes. There are some vampire lycanthrope jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these vampire lycanthropy puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Vampire Jokes and Puns

A Vampire walks into a bar...

A vampire walks into a bar and takes a seat at the bar. When the bartender asks what he'll have to drink the vampire replies, "a glass of hot water." The bartender a bit confused asks, "I thought you vampires drank blood?" The vampire proceeds to pull out a used tampon and replies, "I'm having tea."

My dad's favourite joke - Harry the vampire bat

So one day Harry the vampire bat gets back to his cave, with his entire face absolutely covered with blood. All the other bats are incredulous, demanding where Harry found all the blood. Harry agrees to show them. So they all follow Harry out of the cave, over the river, and through some fields, until they get to a field with a single tree in the middle of it. All the bats are impatient, saying 'Harry is the blood here? Where is it, man? Harry replied 'You see that tree there? I didn't.'

What do you call a gullible vampire?

A sucker

Vampire joke, What do you call a gullible vampire?

Three vampires walk into a bar.

The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."

The second one says, "I'll have one, too."

The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."

The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"

A Vampire died and was in the process of being reincarnated...

They asked him, "What would you like to have in your next lifetime?"

"Drinking blood is good but I don't like hunting, ideally I'd like to have a easy supply of fresh blood."
"Alright."

"I also like turning into a bat and flying, so let me retain wings.", he said.
"Noted."

"One last thing, my dark complexion seems to scare people too much, can I turn into something white?"
"Sure thing."

**Poof**

He became a maxi pad.


A Halloween Limerick

A lady vampire named Mable

Had a period that was awfully stable.

So once a full moon

She took out her spoon

And drank herself under the table.

I killed a vampire last Halloween

...or a kid. Either way, the wooden stake worked.

Vampire joke, I killed a vampire last Halloween

What is a vampires least favorite food?

Steak!

...I'll see myself out now.

I think there are nine vampires coming to my dinner party.

Oh, wait... I forgot to Count Dracula.

Three apprentice vampire bats

Three apprentice vampire bats are taken out to a farm and told to get as much blood as they can find by their teacher. 15 minutes go by and the first vampire bay returns with a little bit of blood on his teeth.
'Where did you get that blood' asked the teacher.
'Do you see that chicken? That's where I got it.' the bat replied.

Shortly after the second vampire bat returns with blood dripping from his snout.
Where did you get that blood' asked the teacher.
'Do you see that chicken? Do you see that cow beyond the chicken? That's where I got it.' the second bat replied.

Some time later the third bat returns with his whole face caked in blood.
Where did you get that blood!' asked the teacher.
'Do you see that chicken? Do you see that cow beyond the chicken? Do you see that wall beyond the cow? I didn't.'

2 nuns are driving down a dark road..

.. when suddenly a vampire jumps out in front of the car, and forces them to stop.

He climbs onto the car and starts looking hungrily at them.

"What should we do?" - asks one nun
"Show him your cross!" - replies the other.
so the nun shouts : "Get off my f**king car!!"

You can explore vampire vant reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean vampire bloodsucking dad jokes. There are also vampire puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


How often does the vampire go down on his wife?

Periodically

Would a charming vampire be a neck-romancer?

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?

See you next month!

Three vampires walk into a bar...

The first vampire walks up to the bar and the bar man asks what he can get him.

Vampire 1 responds "A nice warm cup of blood"

Bartender says "coming right up"

Vampire 2 pipes up and says "make mine cold!"

After the bartender hands the second vampire his drink he turns to the third vampire.

The bartender asks " let me guess, you want a cup of blood as well?"

Vampire 3 sits down and says "actually may I get a glass of hot water?"

Bartender is in shock and asks "hot water? But why?"

Vampire 3 takes a used tampon out of his coat pocket and responds

"I'm having tea"

Two vampire bats are hanging from the ceiling of their cave...

... and one of them says he's hungry, so he flies off to find some food. Within a minute, he's back, blood all round his mouth, looking like he's had a really good meal.

The other bat is amazed, and says, "Where did you find so much blood so fast?"

So the first bat says, "Come with me, I'll show you." And he leads his friend to the mouth of the cave.

"See that big rock there?" He asks.

The other bat nods.

"I didn't."

Vampire joke, Two vampire bats are hanging from the ceiling of their cave...

*NSFW* A vampire walks in to a bar.

He asks the bartender for a glass of hot water. The bartender brings over the glass of hot water and with a puzzled look asks "don't vampires drink blood?" "Yes" the vampire responds as he pulls a used tampon out of his coat and puts it in the glass "but today I just feel like having tea."

You see that wall?

A group of vampire bats are hanging out in a cave. All the food in the area is gone and they are the brink of starving to death. One of the bats decides leave to look for food out of desperation. He comes back 30 minutes later and has blood on his face. The other bats are very curious and ask him repeatedly where he got the blood from. Each time, he tries to ignore them and says he doesn't want to talk about it. After 30 minutes of questioning, he breaks down and tells the others to follow him. He flies them to a huge mountainous wall 15 minutes away, and stops. He looks at the others and says,

'You see that wall?'

And they all exciteldy repeat, 'Yea yea, we see it!'

He says again, 'Do you really see that wall?'

They all say again in anticipation, 'Yea yea we see it!'

'Well I didn't!'

Three vampires are sitting on the graveyard wall.

Three vampires are sitting on the graveyard wall.

The first says that he is really hungry and flys into the night. After half an hour he returns and his mouth is full of blood. The other two ask him: "where did you get that?" He answers: "Do you see that little light across the hill? It was a little family at a camping trip. Delicious!" 

The second vampire starts in the air and returns 15minutes later, the whole face covered with blood. The others ask jealousy: "Where have you been?" Smiling he answers: "You guys see that group of lights down there? It was a wedding with over 20guests. I don't have to eat for a week!"

Finally the third vampire starts into the dark sky, and returns about five minutes later. His whole body, top to bottom is covered in blood.

Exited the other two ask:"Man where did you go?!" 

"Do you see that tree right there?"

"Yes"

"Well, I didn't"


Why did the vampire pull out?

He needed permission to come inside.

There's only one vampire on Sesame Street...

At least, only one that counts.

A vampire masturbating into a mirror.

You didn't see that coming.

Human drinks a Vampire's blood. Out of curiosity, the Vampire asks what it tastes like.

"It's irony."

3 vampires walk into a bar...

A vampire walks into a bar and orders a shot of hot blood.
15 minutes later, a second vampire walks in and does the same.
Not soon after, a third vampire walks in and orders a hot cup of water.
"Why the cup of water?" the other two asked.
He then pulled out a used tampon and said, "I'm making tea."

A vampire walks into a bar..

He approaches the barman. The barman asks, "what will it be?" The vampire asks for a mug of hot water. The barman confused asks "don't you folk drink blood?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea"

I think my friend is a vampire

I stabbed him in the heart with a wooden stake and he died

How many vampires showed up to the garlic eating competition?

I don't know, it was countless

What did the Vampire say to the Teacher?

See you next period.

(Heard this 20 years ago, hope it's not overly recycled)

A man was drinking the blood of a vampire...

He said, "Hm, irony"

A vampire walks into a blood bar with a big smile on his face....

The bartender looks at him confused and the vampire says, "Always B positive!"

It's Friday, And I'm A Vampire.

Can't Wait To Have A Boy With The Cold Ones

I recently bought 51% of a vampire hunting company.

I'm now the main stake holder.

Two vampires walk into a bar

Two vampires sit down at a bar. The first vampire orders a glass of blood but the second one just asks for a cup of hot water.

The first vampire is surprised by this and remarks "Just water? Are you feeling alright?"

The second vampire waves him off and pulls a dripping tampon from his coat pocket "Yes yes I'm just in the mood for some tea!"

How do Vampires like their steak?

Any way is fine other than through their chest

Why don't vampires feel bad about the evil things they do?

They're incapable of reflection

(I'll see myself out)

I recently signed on as a partner at this vampire hunting firm.

I'm a stakeholder now.

A vampire walks into a bar...

The bartender nervously says "what do you want to drink?"

The vampire says "hot water please"

The bartender hands him the hot water saying "I thought vampires drank blood?"

The vampire pulls a used tampon out of his pocket and puts it into the water "I'm having tea."

Why Don't vampires like gambling?

They get nervous when the stakes are raised.

Why can't a vampire accidentally get you pregnant?

They have to ask you before they come inside!

Since Vampires are supposedly hurt by holy water, I always wondered why priests don't just say a prayer over every storm cloud, kill the vampires from above. Then I realized why so many Vampires are from Europe...

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

A Vampire walks into a bank and pulls a gun out

Hands up, this is a robbery! He declares, as he starts forcing the teller to fill a sack with cash.

One of the customers, cracking slightly under the pressure asks; Hey, shouldn't you be robbing a blood bank?

The vampire turns to them and grins.
No, see, I'm cursed. He explains.

Cursed?

Yep, I can only feed on smartasses, and there's always at least one when I pull this stunt.

Why are there no vampires in africa?

Because they blessed the rains down in africa.

If vampires are hurt by holy water, why don't priests just bless a storm cloud to kill vampires everywhere? But then I remembered why so many vampires are from Europe...

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa.

Vampire missionaries

"Hello, do you have a minute to talk about Dracula?"

No. Wait..."Dracula" Dracula?

"Yes!"

So you're vampires?

"Yes. We have pamphlets"

Vampires have missionaries now?

"How else would we get new vampire members?"

But don't you just like, bite people?

"That's a hurtful stereotype sir. **May we come in?**"

Did you know vampires aren't real?

Unless you Count Dracula.

Since vampires are hurt by holy water, I always wondered why Priests don't bless storm clouds and kill them from above. Then I realized why most vampires live in Europe

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

I'm afraid my wife might be a vampire.

She like to stay out all night, all of her guy friends invite her over before she can visit them and she always seems genuinely concerned when I try to stab her with a wooden stake.

A vampire masturbating in front of a mirror

Bet you didn't see that coming.

How do you know if a vampire has COVID?

He's coffin

Two nuns are driving through Transylvania when suddenly, out of nowhere, a vampire jumps on their windshield

The nuns panic and the one driving starts swerving the car to try knock him off, to no avail.

"Quick! Quick! Show him your cross! Show him your cross!", shouts the one nun.

The other nun looks at the vampire and shouts:

"Get the f\*\*k off the windshield!!"

This is an old joke but my husband told me to never tell it again!

3 vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a Bloody Mary. The second orders a Bloody Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks a Bloody Mary?

The vampire shakes his head. Hot water for me

Hot water?

I found a tampon out back and want to make tea

Why are there so many vampires in Europe and not in Africa?

Vampires are killed with holy water and they bless the rains down in Africa.

Robert Pattinson is an awful vampire

It took him 11 years to figure out how to turn into a bat

Someone asked me who my favorite vampire is in pop culture...

I said, "The one from Sesame Street."

They said, "He doesn't count!"

"I assure you," I said, "He does."

I was recently asked who my favourite vampire was. I said, the muppet from Sesame Street.

They told me, He doesn't count!

I replied, I assure you, he does.

A French and British vampire walk into a bar

The French orders for a glass of champagne then mixes blood into it.

The British orders a cup of hot water, which makes the French surprised:

\- No tea?

\- Quite the contrary, my friend - The British replies - then pulls out a used tampon from his jacket

To kill a French vampire, you have to drive a baguette through its heart.

The process is painstaking.

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy

**First night as a vampire hunter:** oh no

I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself...

my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"

Why don't vampires use autocorrect?

Because they love Type Os

To kill a French vampire, you have to drive a baguette through it's heart.

Sounds easy, but the process is painstaking.

Why do vampires never create new businesses?

They're afraid of the stakeholders

(A joke I just made up)

Why are vampires so obsessed with necks?

Because they were raised by a neck romancer.

If a cup has had holy water in it, a vampire should never drink from it again.

There's too much risk of cross contamination.

How do you kill a vegan vampire?

Drive a steak through it's heart

A friend asked me who my favourite vampire was.

"That puppet from Sesame Street", I replied.

They told me he didn't count.

I said, "I beg to differ...".

Click here for a good old fashioned vampire joke.

Ha ha ha. You sucker.

2 nuns are in a car at a stop light in Transylvania when a vampire blocks their car...

One nun says to the other Quick sister, show him your cross!

The other nun rolls down the window and yells Get the bloody hell out of middle of the road asshole!

While discussing horror movies, my friend asked me who my favorite monster from film is.

Me: "Hmmm that's a tough one. I think I'd have to go with the vampire from Sesame Street."

Friend: "What!? He doesn't count."

Me: "Oh I assure you, he does."

i once found a vampire in my hotel so i stabbed it with a wooden stake, shined my flashlight at it and threw holy water at it. died instantly.

still don't know why it had a bucket of candy tho.

Somebody told me that I look like a vampire.

I looked in the mirror but I just don't see it.

A vampire decided to use his immortality to research the best career

He tried every type of job there was, from innovation to construction to civil service, and he landed on the job of mirror cleaner.

In his book on the subject, he said that the tai chi like motions of the arms were very relaxing, and the mirror will certainly get dirty again leading to job security.

"I'm as surprised as you are," wrote the vampire. "It was not a job I could see myself doing."

A vampire walks into a grocery shop and asks for a bread.

The clerk looks at him and asks: 'Aren't you a vampire?'
The vampire says: 'Yes, I am.'
To that the clerk responds: 'Oh, then I have much better stuff for you than bread. I have bloody sausages, nice fresh liver, duck blood, pork blood - whatever you want!'
The vampire replies: 'No, thank you, I want just the bread.'
The clerk asks: 'OK, but tell me - why the bread? I never imagined vampires like bread so much.'
The vampire looks at him, leans closer and says: "There is a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.'

What do you call a vampire out on a date?

A neck romancer

What do you call an Irish vampire?

NosferO'Toole

Robert Pattinson is the worst vampire ever.

Took him 15 years to figure out how to turn himself into a bat

A vampires favorite ship

Is a blood vessel.

Which vampire is the tallest one?

Count Everest

I bought 75% of shares in a vampire hunting business.

I'm the main stakeholder.

Why are there no vampires in Africa?

Because they bless the rains down in Africa!

Vampires suck your blood to get vitamin D, because they can not be out in the sun.

Have you ever thought about that?

No, because all you think about is yourself.

The vampire hunters' association had a community outreach program

they had to appeal to stakeholders.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the vampire damon jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working vampire hemogoblin piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes