Vampire Blood Jokes
97 vampire blood jokes and hilarious vampire blood puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about vampire blood that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Vampire Blood Short Jokes
Short vampire blood jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The vampire blood humour may include short vampire jokes also.
- Human drinks a vampire's blood. Out of curiosity, the Vampire asks what it tastes like. "It's irony."
- A vampire walks into a blood bar with a big smile on his face.... The bartender looks at him confused and the vampire says, "Always B positive!"
- Yesterday I accidentally sent a n**... picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamp.
- If a vampire drinks blood from someone in a coma Is that considered getting his vegetables?
- Why did the vampire feel tired after dinner? All the blood had rushed to his stomach.
- A vampire calls his doctor, "Someting is very, very wrong." When I pee, there is no blood!
- So I was drinking this vampire's blood the other day It was irony.
- What do you call a vampire whose car breaks down three miles from a blood bank? A cab
Cred: Spongebob, my role model - What's a vampires favorite fruit? A blood orange
- Why do female vampires have an advantage over male vampires? Because they get free supply of blood once a month.
Share These Vampire Blood Jokes With Friends
Vampire Blood One Liners
Which vampire blood one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with vampire blood? I can suggest the ones about vampire bat and vampire coffin.
- A man was drinking the blood of a vampire... He said, "Hm, irony"
- A vampires favorite ship Is a blood vessel.
- What kind of boat do vampires like? Blood vessels
- There was a vampire who drank his own blood He said it tasted irony.
- What do vampire hummingbirds eat? Your blood sugar!
My wife won't laugh at this :( - What does a vampire drink while on a diet? Blood Light®.
- What do you call a vampire whose car breaks down 3 miles from a blood bank? A cab.
- It's okay if a vampire drinks his homies' blood. But only if he says "No Hemo" after.
- What kind of cheap beer do vampires drink? Blood Light
- What were the names of the two rival vampire gangs? The bloods and the crypts
- I'm working on a book about vampire gangs. I'm titling it the Bloods and the Crypts.
- What do you feed a vegan vampire? A blood orange!
- Why didn't the vampire bite Taylor Swift? Because she had bad blood
- What does a vegan vampire eat? Blood orange
- What does a vampire on a diet drink? Blood Lite
Thanks Jim Butcher...
Vampire Blood Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about vampire blood you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean vamp jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make vampire blood pranks.
Three vampires walk into a bar...
Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a shot of blood. The second one orders blood on the rocks. The third vampire says "I'll have a cup of hot water".
The bartender looks at him strangely and asks "How come you're not having blood like your friends?"
The vampire then pulls out a t**... and says "I'm having tea."
I don't know why women have a fascination with Twilight.
The reason being, vampires and women are entirely different. One is a blood s**... monster that preys on the helpless and the other are vampires.
A Vampire walks into a bar...
A vampire walks into a bar and takes a seat at the bar. When the bartender asks what he'll have to drink the vampire replies, "a glass of hot water." The bartender a bit confused asks, "I thought you vampires drank blood?" The vampire proceeds to pull out a used t**... and replies, "I'm having tea."
My dad's favourite joke - Harry the vampire bat
So one day Harry the vampire bat gets back to his cave, with his entire face absolutely covered with blood. All the other bats are incredulous, demanding where Harry found all the blood. Harry agrees to show them. So they all follow Harry out of the cave, over the river, and through some fields, until they get to a field with a single tree in the middle of it. All the bats are impatient, saying 'Harry is the blood here? Where is it, man? Harry replied 'You see that tree there? I didn't.'
A Vampire walks into a bar…
He walks up to the bar and asks for a shot of blood. He drink it, pays for it and leaves. A second vampire walks in, orders a shot of blood, drinks it, pays for it and leaves.
Third vampire walks in and asks for a mug of hot water. The bartender, perplexed, asks, "why didn't you order a shot of blood like the other vampires?" The vampire pulls out a used t**... and replies, "tea-time!"
Three vampires walk into a bar.
The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."
The second one says, "I'll have one, too."
The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."
The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"
Two vampires are sitting in a bar...
and the barkeep comes up and asks, "what can I get for you guys?"
The first vampire says, "I'll just have a glass of blood"
The second vampire says, "I'll have a glass of hot water"
The first vampire is rather confused and says to the second vampire, "hot water? This place has the best blood in town!"
The second vampire pulls out a used t**... and says, "I'm having tea"
Three vampires walk into a bar...
...and sit down.
The bartender comes over and ask them what they want to drink.
1st vampire: "Give me a shot of blood."
2nd vampire: "I want a double shot."
3rd vampire: "All I want is a cup of hot water."
The bartender goes and gets the drinks and comes back. He hands them the drinks, but looks kind of confused. The bartender asked the 3rd vampire, "Why didn't you order any blood?"
The vampire pulls out a t**... and replies "I'm making tea."
A Vampire died and was in the process of being reincarnated...
They asked him, "What would you like to have in your next lifetime?"
"Drinking blood is good but I don't like hunting, ideally I'd like to have a easy supply of fresh blood."
"Alright."
"I also like turning into a bat and flying, so let me retain wings.", he said.
"Noted."
"One last thing, my dark complexion seems to scare people too much, can I turn into something white?"
"Sure thing."
**p**...**
He became a m**... pad.
What do vampire fruit bats eat?
Blood oranges.
Vampires love tea...
A vampire goes into a pub and asks for boiling water. The barman says "I thought you only drink blood?"
The vampire pulls out a used t**... and says, "I'm making tea"!
I'm a vampire that only feeds only on v**... blood...
I'm 100% self-sufficient.
A vampire walks into a bar
This vampire walks into a bar. Says ooOOOooOOOooo boogity boogity. Bar tender says "Alright, well what'll you have?" Vampire sits down and says can I get a big glass of hot water?" Bartender goes, gets a giant cup of boiling water and says "Here. I thought you guys needed blood or something like that though, why hot water?" Vampire reaches into his coat pocket, pulls out this giant t**... and says "I'm making tea."
What drink did the vampire order at the bar?
A blood-light
Two Vampires wal into a bar.
Two vampires walk into a bar. They both sit at a table and wait for employee to come. Once the employee comes one of the vampires asks for a glass of blood, while the other asks for hot water.
When the employee delivers the orders to the table he couldn't avoid to ask:
- Why would a vampire drink hot water?
The vampire, slowly goes into his pocket and brings out a used t**... and says:
- I prefer tea sir...
**
Three apprentice vampire bats
Three apprentice vampire bats are taken out to a farm and told to get as much blood as they can find by their teacher. 15 minutes go by and the first vampire bay returns with a little bit of blood on his teeth.
'Where did you get that blood' asked the teacher.
'Do you see that chicken? That's where I got it.' the bat replied.
Shortly after the second vampire bat returns with blood dripping from his snout.
Where did you get that blood' asked the teacher.
'Do you see that chicken? Do you see that cow beyond the chicken? That's where I got it.' the second bat replied.
Some time later the third bat returns with his whole face caked in blood.
Where did you get that blood!' asked the teacher.
'Do you see that chicken? Do you see that cow beyond the chicken? Do you see that wall beyond the cow? I didn't.'
Three vampires walk into a bar...
The first vampire walks up to the bar and the bar man asks what he can get him.
Vampire 1 responds "A nice warm cup of blood"
Bartender says "coming right up"
Vampire 2 pipes up and says "make mine cold!"
After the bartender hands the second vampire his drink he turns to the third vampire.
The bartender asks " let me guess, you want a cup of blood as well?"
Vampire 3 sits down and says "actually may I get a glass of hot water?"
Bartender is in shock and asks "hot water? But why?"
Vampire 3 takes a used t**... out of his coat pocket and responds
"I'm having tea"
Two vampire bats are hanging from the ceiling of their cave...
... and one of them says he's hungry, so he flies off to find some food. Within a minute, he's back, blood all round his mouth, looking like he's had a really good meal.
The other bat is amazed, and says, "Where did you find so much blood so fast?"
So the first bat says, "Come with me, I'll show you." And he leads his friend to the mouth of the cave.
"See that big rock there?" He asks.
The other bat nods.
"I didn't."
Two vampires...
Two vampires are sitting on a bench. On a given moment, one of them says "I gotta go! Time to get some blood!"
Only 30 seconds later he's back with blood hanging all over his lips and teeth so his friend asks "That was fast! What'd you do?"
"Well, do you see that lamppost over there?"
"Yes...?"
"I didn't!"
You see that wall?
A group of vampire bats are hanging out in a cave. All the food in the area is gone and they are the brink of starving to death. One of the bats decides leave to look for food out of desperation. He comes back 30 minutes later and has blood on his face. The other bats are very curious and ask him repeatedly where he got the blood from. Each time, he tries to ignore them and says he doesn't want to talk about it. After 30 minutes of questioning, he breaks down and tells the others to follow him. He flies them to a huge mountainous wall 15 minutes away, and stops. He looks at the others and says,
'You see that wall?'
And they all exciteldy repeat, 'Yea yea, we see it!'
He says again, 'Do you really see that wall?'
They all say again in anticipation, 'Yea yea we see it!'
'Well I didn't!'
Count Dracula walks into a bar...
and asks the bar man for a cup of boiling water. The bar man quickly returns with the water as requested, and puts it on the bar in front of Dracula. Curious, the bar man says to Dracula "Forgive me, but I thought you vampires only drank blood, what do you want the hot water for?" Dracula takes a used t**... from his cloak pocket. "For making tea, of course" replies Dracula.
Three vampires walk into a vampire bar.
The first vampire orders a cup of hot blood. The second vampire orders a cup of cold blood. The third vampire orders a cup of hot water. The first vampire asks the third "Why don't you drink blood? You're a vampire, man." The third vampire takes a used t**... from his pocket and answers: "I like mine bagged."
Three vampires are sitting on the graveyard wall.
Three vampires are sitting on the graveyard wall.
The first says that he is really hungry and flys into the night. After half an hour he returns and his mouth is full of blood. The other two ask him: "where did you get that?" He answers: "Do you see that little light across the hill? It was a little family at a camping trip. Delicious!"
The second vampire starts in the air and returns 15minutes later, the whole face covered with blood. The others ask jealousy: "Where have you been?" Smiling he answers: "You guys see that group of lights down there? It was a wedding with over 20guests. I don't have to eat for a week!"
Finally the third vampire starts into the dark sky, and returns about five minutes later. His whole body, top to bottom is covered in blood.
Exited the other two ask:"Man where did you go?!"
"Do you see that tree right there?"
"Yes"
"Well, I didn't"
Three vampires walk into a bar...
The first two order a pint of blood each, the third asks for a jug of boiling water, confused the barman asks "why?". The vampire pulls out a used t**... and says "I'm making tea"
A British vampire walks inside a bar...
The bartender offers him a glass of fresh blood but he refused. Instead, the vampire just asked for a cup of warm water. The bartender asked him why to which the vampire replied, "Well, I found some used tampons earlier. I'm just going to make some tea."
A vampire walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a mug of hot water.
The bartender looks confused and asks 'Don't you drink blood?'
The vampire holds up a used t**... and says. 'I'm making tea.'
Two vampires meet in the street
One have the face full of blood and was l**... the corner of the mouth, so the other one said:
-Wow, what a feast! where do you find it?
-Well... do you see that tower behind the church?
-yes
-I didn't
3 vampires walk into a bar...
A vampire walks into a bar and orders a shot of hot blood.
15 minutes later, a second vampire walks in and does the same.
Not soon after, a third vampire walks in and orders a hot cup of water.
"Why the cup of water?" the other two asked.
He then pulled out a used t**... and said, "I'm making tea."
I once knew a vampire who refused to drink blood
He would satisfy his cravings with fake blood, which his body rejected and he ended up dying from it.
I asked him on his death bed how the fake blood tasted and he said "a little irony"
How many blood hungry vampires does it take to dress a wound?
The answer's irrelevant as they all s**... at it anyway.
Vampires at the bar
Rich Vampire: I want a fresh blood from a healthy human!
Ordinary Vampire: Ordinary blood please!
Poor Vampire: Excuse me! Can you give me a hot water? I'll make tea instead. (pulls out t**...)
A vampire walks into a bar...
A vampire walks into a bar.
The bartender nervously asks, "What can i get you?"
"Just a cup of hot water" the Vampire asks.
"I thought you guy's only drank blood...?" the bartender nervously replies.
As he pulls out a bloodied t**..., the Vamp says "I prefer tea!"
A vampire walks into a bar and asks for for a cup of boiling water
The bartender says to the vampire dont vampiers drink blood? the vampire pulls out a used t**... and say yes im making tea!
A vampire walks into a bar..
He approaches the barman. The barman asks, "what will it be?" The vampire asks for a mug of hot water. The barman confused asks "don't you folk drink blood?" The vampire pulls out a used t**... and says "I'm making tea"
Three vampires walk into a bar.
The first asks for a pint of blood.
The second asks for blood on the rocks.
The third asks for hot water and as the bartender is about to ask why the vampire pulls out a used t**... and says "I'm just gonna have a tea."
A man s**... the blood of a vampire and he said..
Hmm, irony.
[Nsfw] This girl from Compton had the weirdest IG page. Turns out she was a real life Vampire!
She s**... all the bloods
Three vampires walk into a bar.
First vampire asks the bartender for a shot of blood, the bartender gives him the shot, he drinks it and leaves.
The second vampire also asks the bartender for a shot of blood, he drinks it and leaves.
The third vampires asks the bartender for a glass of water. The bartender looks puzzled and says, _"a glass of water?"_ The vampires pulls out a used t**... and says, _"tea time."_
Two vampires walk into a bar
Two vampires sit down at a bar. The first vampire orders a glass of blood but the second one just asks for a cup of hot water.
The first vampire is surprised by this and remarks "Just water? Are you feeling alright?"
The second vampire waves him off and pulls a dripping t**... from his coat pocket "Yes yes I'm just in the mood for some tea!"
A Vampire met a genie
"I'll give you three wishes, no more, no less" Said the Genie to the Vampire.
"I want to have wings. It's weird to be able to fly without wings." Said the Vampire.
"It shall be done, what about the second wish?"
"I want virgins! Lots of virgins!"
"It shall be done, and the last?"
"I want blood! Lots of blood!"
"Abracadabra hocus pocus" The genie casted the spell.
****p**...****
.
.
.
.
.
And the Vampire turned into a sanitary pad.
A vampire walks into a bar...
The bartender nervously says "what do you want to drink?"
The vampire says "hot water please"
The bartender hands him the hot water saying "I thought vampires drank blood?"
The vampire pulls a used t**... out of his pocket and puts it into the water "I'm having tea."
Another three vampires go into a bar and sit at a table.
The waitress comes over and asks what they want to drink. The first asks for a glass of O-positive. The second asks for a glass of B-negative. The third says, "I'm on a diet, so I'll just have a glass of plasma."
The waitress turns to the bartender and says, "Eddie! Two bloods and a blood light!"
(Edited) What's a vampire's favorite beer?
Blood-weiser
Three vampires enter a dim bar in Kent.
The barmaid asks "What'll you have gentlemen?"
Flashing his best spooky grin, the first vampire says "I'll have a glass of blood" When she asks second vampire, he says,"Glass of blood please" She looks at the third vampire and he smirks and says, "I'll take a glass of plasma"
She shrugs and yells down the bar "Two bloods and a blood lite".
A Vampire walks into a bank and pulls a gun out
Hands up, this is a robbery! He declares, as he starts forcing the teller to fill a sack with cash.
One of the customers, cracking slightly under the pressure asks; Hey, shouldn't you be robbing a blood bank?
The vampire turns to them and grins.
No, see, I'm cursed. He explains.
Cursed?
Yep, I can only feed on smartasses, and there's always at least one when I pull this stunt.
GOD: "Hey, let's make Vampires REAL. . .!"
God: "They shall drink BLOOD!"
God: "They shall be responsible for the DEATHS of more humans in history than any other creature!"
God: ". . . And they can FLY!"
God: . . .But let's troll them so they can only make annoying high pitched whiny noises
God: . . .And are only 1/2" tall. At most.
\*Creates Mosquito\*
What do r**... vampires drink?
Blood Light
Here's a Gaelic joke translated...
3 vampires are in a restaurant: rich, middle class, and poor. They asked for a menu, and later on told the waiter that they're ready to order.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Rich Vampire: Fresh blood please.
Middle Class Vampire: Blood pudding please.
Poor Vampire: Erm.. just give me cup of hot water. I found a t**... on the way here...
I'll just have tea.
A vampire walks into a pub...
... and asks the barman for a cup of boiling water.
"I thought you lot only drank blood" says the barman.
The vampire reaches into his pocket and pulls out a used t**...;
"I'm making a cup of tea."
Why don't vampires s**... on chinese blood?
Because it tastes wong.
A French and British vampire walk into a bar
The French orders for a glass of champagne then mixes blood into it.
The British orders a cup of hot water, which makes the French surprised:
\- No tea?
\- Quite the contrary, my friend - The British replies - then pulls out a used t**... from his jacket
Three vampires walk into a bar
They all take a seat and the bartender comes up to serve them.
'I'll have a glass of blood', the first vampire says. The bartender hands it to him and looks over to the next vampire.
'I'll have a glass of blood too', the second vampire says. The bartender does the same before walking up to the third.
'I'll have a cup of boiling water please', the third vampire requests. The bartender looks at him, puzzled.
'Not having a glass of blood like your friends?', the bartender asks.
'Not today.' the final vampire said, taking out a used t**... from his pocket. 'I'm making tea.'
A vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water.
The bartender asks, I thought you guys only drank blood?
The vampire pulls out a used t**... and says, "Yes, I'm making tea".
A vampire walks into a grocery shop and asks for a bread.
The clerk looks at him and asks: 'Aren't you a vampire?'
The vampire says: 'Yes, I am.'
To that the clerk responds: 'Oh, then I have much better stuff for you than bread. I have b**... sausages, nice fresh liver, duck blood, pork blood - whatever you want!'
The vampire replies: 'No, thank you, I want just the bread.'
The clerk asks: 'OK, but tell me - why the bread? I never imagined vampires like bread so much.'
The vampire looks at him, leans closer and says: "There is a huge car c**... at the intersection. I want to dip.'
Vampires s**... your blood to get vitamin D, because they can not be out in the sun.
Have you ever thought about that?
No, because all you think about is yourself.
I can do anything better than you
Three Vampires trying to outdo one another. The first went away, come back with blood trickling out the side of his mouth. "I killed the whole family. The 2nd one went and comeback with even more blood. I killed the whole town. 3rd one goes away. Comes back, his whole body is saturated with blood. Wow look at you.
He goes, "You see those bunch of trees down there".
They go "Yes".
He goes "Well I f**... didn't".
Three vampires walk into a bar...
The bartender asked them what they want.
The first vampire says, "blood!"
The second vampire says, "blood!"
The third vampire says, "plasma!"
So the bartender says, "let me see if I got that: that's two bloods and a blood lite?"