Vamp Jokes
132 vamp jokes and hilarious vamp puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about vamp that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Cheeky Vamp Jokes to Experience Good Cheer & Frivolity
What is a good vamp joke to make people laugh? Check out this list of funny stories that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth.
Three vampires walk into a bar...
Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a shot of blood. The second one orders blood on the rocks. The third vampire says "I'll have a cup of hot water".
The bartender looks at him strangely and asks "How come you're not having blood like your friends?"
The vampire then pulls out a t**... and says "I'm having tea."
A Vampire walks into a bar...
A vampire walks into a bar and takes a seat at the bar. When the bartender asks what he'll have to drink the vampire replies, "a glass of hot water." The bartender a bit confused asks, "I thought you vampires drank blood?" The vampire proceeds to pull out a used t**... and replies, "I'm having tea."
A Vampire walks into a bar....
And orders a cup of hot water from the bartender. Upon hearing this request the bartender asks "Why just water?" To which the Vampire, pulls out a used t**... and replies "I'm making tea."
A Vampire walks into a bar…
He walks up to the bar and asks for a shot of blood. He drink it, pays for it and leaves. A second vampire walks in, orders a shot of blood, drinks it, pays for it and leaves.
Third vampire walks in and asks for a mug of hot water. The bartender, perplexed, asks, "why didn't you order a shot of blood like the other vampires?" The vampire pulls out a used t**... and replies, "tea-time!"
Three vampires walk into a bar.
The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."
The second one says, "I'll have one, too."
The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."
The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"
Two vampires are sitting in a bar...
and the barkeep comes up and asks, "what can I get for you guys?"
The first vampire says, "I'll just have a glass of blood"
The second vampire says, "I'll have a glass of hot water"
The first vampire is rather confused and says to the second vampire, "hot water? This place has the best blood in town!"
The second vampire pulls out a used t**... and says, "I'm having tea"
Three vampires walk into a bar...
...and sit down.
The bartender comes over and ask them what they want to drink.
1st vampire: "Give me a shot of blood."
2nd vampire: "I want a double shot."
3rd vampire: "All I want is a cup of hot water."
The bartender goes and gets the drinks and comes back. He hands them the drinks, but looks kind of confused. The bartender asked the 3rd vampire, "Why didn't you order any blood?"
The vampire pulls out a t**... and replies "I'm making tea."
A Vampire died and was in the process of being reincarnated...
They asked him, "What would you like to have in your next lifetime?"
"Drinking blood is good but I don't like hunting, ideally I'd like to have a easy supply of fresh blood."
"Alright."
"I also like turning into a bat and flying, so let me retain wings.", he said.
"Noted."
"One last thing, my dark complexion seems to scare people too much, can I turn into something white?"
"Sure thing."
**p**...**
He became a m**... pad.
How can you tell vampirism is a disease?
On account of the coffin.
Vampires love tea...
A vampire goes into a pub and asks for boiling water. The barman says "I thought you only drink blood?"
The vampire pulls out a used t**... and says, "I'm making tea"!
I'm a vampire that only feeds only on v**... blood...
I'm 100% self-sufficient.
There was a vampire who drank his own blood
He said it tasted irony.
A vampire walks into a bar
This vampire walks into a bar. Says ooOOOooOOOooo boogity boogity. Bar tender says "Alright, well what'll you have?" Vampire sits down and says can I get a big glass of hot water?" Bartender goes, gets a giant cup of boiling water and says "Here. I thought you guys needed blood or something like that though, why hot water?" Vampire reaches into his coat pocket, pulls out this giant t**... and says "I'm making tea."
why don't vampires go to frat parties?
they're afraid of natural light
Two Vampires wal into a bar.
Two vampires walk into a bar. They both sit at a table and wait for employee to come. Once the employee comes one of the vampires asks for a glass of blood, while the other asks for hot water.
When the employee delivers the orders to the table he couldn't avoid to ask:
- Why would a vampire drink hot water?
The vampire, slowly goes into his pocket and brings out a used t**... and says:
- I prefer tea sir...
**
What is a vampires least favorite food?
Steak!
...I'll see myself out now.
Why didn't the vampire purchase the expensive suit?
He just couldn't ever see himself wearing it.
I think there are nine vampires coming to my dinner party.
Oh, wait... I forgot to Count dracula.
How often does the vampire go down on his wife?
Periodically
What did the vampire say to his girlfriend at school?
See you next period!
Three vampires walk into a bar...
The first vampire walks up to the bar and the bar man asks what he can get him.
Vampire 1 responds "A nice warm cup of blood"
Bartender says "coming right up"
Vampire 2 pipes up and says "make mine cold!"
After the bartender hands the second vampire his drink he turns to the third vampire.
The bartender asks " let me guess, you want a cup of blood as well?"
Vampire 3 sits down and says "actually may I get a glass of hot water?"
Bartender is in shock and asks "hot water? But why?"
Vampire 3 takes a used t**... out of his coat pocket and responds
"I'm having tea"
Two vampire bats are hanging from the ceiling of their cave...
... and one of them says he's hungry, so he flies off to find some food. Within a minute, he's back, blood all round his mouth, looking like he's had a really good meal.
The other bat is amazed, and says, "Where did you find so much blood so fast?"
So the first bat says, "Come with me, I'll show you." And he leads his friend to the mouth of the cave.
"See that big rock there?" He asks.
The other bat nods.
"I didn't."
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Vamp One Liners
Which vamp one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with vamp? I can suggest the ones about vulture and voodoo.
- They say dracula has turned over a new leaf He's been re-vamped
- What do you call a vampire getting a makeover? Re-vamping.
