Valuable Jokes
66 valuable jokes and hilarious valuable puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about valuable that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Valuable Short Jokes
Short valuable jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The valuable humour may include short priceless jokes also.
- Whenever I go out, I always wear a stethoscope. That way, in the event of a medical emergency, I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
- So I started seeing a therapist to help with my kleptomania I've already taken something valuable from each session
- How did the editor fix the writer's article about appreciation for a certain valuable mineral?
- A couple of police officers taught me a valuable lesson about grocery stores. Apparently, employees aren't supposed to have free thyme.
- Did you hear the founders of New York City were Jewish..... Who else can buy the most valuable land in the world for 26 seashells.
- I was just asked to give my credit card details. I said, "It's rectangular, blue and not very valuable."
- What's the difference between snooker and society? In snooker, black is the most valuable colour.
- There's been a series of break-ins throughout the neighborhood and suspects are said to be caucasion. Police recommend hiding all your valuables in your spice cabinet.
- Reverse pick-up line "Girl, you're like a truffle..."
"Hard to find and very valuable?", the girl asks with a smile.
"No, only pigs dig you." - I'm opening a store that only sells vaults for storing valuable items and high fidelity audio equipment It's called Safe and Sound.
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Valuable One Liners
Which valuable one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with valuable? I can suggest the ones about precious and profitable.
- Mama, is this safe to eat? No honey... it's for storing our valuables.
- How do you protect your valuables from an accordionist? Hide them in an old folk song.
- How do make a Kia twice as valuable? Fill up the tank
- I was asked why I put my valuables in a Monopoly board game box. Better safe than SORRY!
- College taught me a valuable lesson. I'm still paying for it.
- How do you make previous valuable. You replace v with c.
- What is the most valuable kind of sheep? A ewe.
- What makes cows and horses so valuable? They have a lot of moo/neigh.
- Time is at once the most valuable and most perishable of all our possessions.
- Where does Dracula keep his valuables? In a blood bank.
- What is the most valuable ship? Friendship!
- What is more valuable than Van Gogh in the museum? Monet in the bank.
- Snooker is like s**.... The pink is more valuable than the brown.
- Men are like toys They are only valuable when they are in the box.
Valuable Lesson Jokes
Here is a list of funny valuable lesson jokes and even better valuable lesson puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I taught my son a valuable life lesson today about not letting people take advantage of you. It cost him £50.
- jenga teaches children a valuable life lesson. That if you work hard and spend a lot of time on something, some idiot will come along and ruin it all for you.
- My scout leader taught me a very valuable lesson... ... "If you lick your fingers and wet it a little, it will slide right in". Threading needles has never been this easy!
- When I have kids I'm going to teach them valuable lessons like don't do drugs ...Sell them!
Happy Valuable Jokes for a Lighthearted Night with Friends
What funny jokes about valuable you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean helpful jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make valuable pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The sales chief, the HR chief, and the boss are on their way to lunch around the corner.
They detour through an alley and stumble on a beat up but valuable looking brass container.
The sales chief picks it up and starts cleaning it with his handkerchief.
Suddenly, a genie emerges out of a curtain of purple smoke.
The genie is grateful to be set free and offers them each a wish.
The HR chief is wide-eyed and ecstatic.
She says, "I want to be living on a beautiful beach in Jamaica with a sailboat and enough money to make me happy for the rest of my life."
p**...! She disappears.
The sales chief says, "Wow! I want to be happily married to a wealthy supermodel with penthouses in New York, Paris, and Hong Kong."
Presto, he vanishes.
"And how about you?" asks the Genie, looking at the boss.
The boss scowls and says, "I want both those idiots back in the office by 2 PM."
Moral: Always let your boss speak first.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... kid
A barber was doing his business and a kid walked in his shop.
The barber told his customer:
- See that kid, he's the stupidest kid I've ever know. Here I'll prove it to you.
The barber yells at kid to come to him so his customer can watch.
The barber pulls out a 2 euro coin and a 5 euro bill and asks the kid:
- Hey kid, what do u choose?
The kid takes the 2 euro coin and leaves. The barber:
- See, I told u. He chooses 2 euro coin every time.
The customer walks out and sees the kid around the corner eating ice-cream.
He approaches the kid and asks:
- Do u not know the difference between a 2 euro coin and a 5 euro bill. Which one is more valuable?
The kid replies:
- I know the difference, but the moment I choose the 5 euro bill, the game is over.
Jesus knows you're here
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shines his flashlight around the house looking for valuables when a voice in the dark says "Jesus knows you're here." Freaked out, he turns his flashlight off and freezes, but hears nothing more so shakes his head and continues. As he is disconnecting cables from the TV, he hears very clearly "Jesus is watching you." Startled, he shines his light around frantically looking for the source of the voice. In the corner of the room he spots a Parrot. "Did you say that?" he asks. "Yes," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you." The burglar laughs a bit, "warn me huh? Who in the world are you!" "Moses." The bird replies. With a now humorous tone, the burglar asks "What kind of person would name a bird Moses?" The bird replies "the same kind of people who would name a rottweiler Jesus."
A burglar breaks into a house...
He starts searching the house for valuables and comes across some jewelery, which he begins to stuff into his bag. Just then a menacing voice echoes through the house moaning "Jesus is watching you". The burglar looks around, sees no one and decides his imagination is just playing tricks on him. As the burglar continues his search he finds some electronics, but before he can stuff them in his bag he hears the voice again moaning "Jesus is watching you". This time the burglar takes a good look around the room he's in and realizes that there is a bird cage with a parrot in it. He walks up to the parrot and asks, "Did you say that?". The parrot stares at him for a second and replies "yes". The burglar realizes that the parrot is somewhat intelligent so he asks "What's your name?". The parrot squawks "Moses".
"What kinda guy names his parrot Moses?"
"The same kinda guy who names his vicious rottweiler Jesus"
German spies
During the war, two German spies were sent to London to gather valuable intel. To immerse themselves in the local culture they walk into a local pub and walk up to the bar. The first German says to the barman in an impeccable English accent
"May I have two Martinis please?"
"Dry?" asked the barman.
The German replied, holding up two fingers.
"Nein! Zwei!"
Man spills highly valuable can of concentrated oxygen
"It was an oxidant!", he was heard to say later.
A company hire an efficiency expert as a consultant.
To everyone's surprise, the presentation was very interesting. For once many felt like this was a valuable use of time! as the presenter finished up, he said, "I hope you have found use in my presentation today, but I would warn you, be careful about using these techniques at home. The other night I was watching as my wife did the dinner dishes, and noticed some inefficiency in her technique. Wanting to be helpful, I advised her of several small improvements that could add up to maximum efficiency."
One of the attendees raised their hand,"Did it work? Did the dishwashing become more efficient?"
"Oh yes," the consultant replied,"before my advice, my wife took 18 minutes to finish the dishes, now I do it in 12."
A Mexican and a Doctor both build a house.
The houses are exactly the same and stand right next to each other.
After they are done the Mexican tells the doctor: "My house is much more valuable than your house", to which the Doctor replies: "Why should your house be more valuable? They are exactly the same."
"Isn't that obvious? My house is next to a doctors house, while yours is next to a Mexicans house"
Why is paper money more valuable than coins?
When you put it in your pocket you double it and when you take it out you find it in creases.
-
A starship engineer trades half their ship's cargo...
For a sub light engine. The captain finds out and is angry:
"Why did you trade valuable cargo for something 1/10th the value?"
The engineer replies: "Sorry captain, it was an impulse buy"
Discount Air Rides
Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking, 'What trip?'
My parenrs were very principled people...
When I was young, they caught me smoking one Newport. They proceeded to force me to smoke the whole pack, just to teach me a valuable lesson..
..about brand loyalty.
_ credits to Anthony Jeselnik
Trump winning the presidency isn't all that bad.
Zimbabwean currency will soon actually be valuable to the global market!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is the s**... of a bachelor more valuable than the s**... of a married man?
It's usually hand made.
There was a bay guard
He had this job for many years, but he retired at 45. He decided that he would try to make juice and sell it for extra cash.
He bought everything needed, and began. However, he could never make any juice. He learned a valuable lesson that day:
Bay guards can't be juicers.
A man walks into a bar ...
with a pig under his arm. The bartender looks at the pig, notices a wooden leg and asks 'Why has this pig got a wooden leg ?'
The man replies 'Ah that's a tale. We had a fire in our house last week. This pig came upstairs and woke up our entire family. We all escaped the blaze thanks to this pig'.
The bartender was impressed. ' Did the pig lose a leg in the fire?'
'Oh no' said the man 'An animal this valuable ? You don't eat them all at once'
A mugger held a couple.
While pointing a gun and taking their valuables, he asked the them:
Mugger: What's your name?
Woman: My name is Donna.
Mugger: You have a name like my mother. I will not kill you then. And you? (Asking the other)
Man: My name is Dave, but my friends call me Anne.
Why is KFC regarded as a valuable restaurant chain?
Their chicken has so much oil it's got the Arabs jealous.
How to describe something which looks like valuable but truly valnerable deeply inside?
china one.
I lost a really valuable item after a break-in the other night.
My balaclava was blown off in the wind.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A worker at the Taxidermy Department Store notices some damage to a couple of grizzly exhibits
The front right leg on each of the works has been removed.
The worker sprints to the front of the store to alert his manager of the vandalism. On his way, he spies a r**... carrying the missing appendages.
"SIR!" the worker shouts. "You have damaged valuable pieces of merchandise. Exit the store. IMMEDIATELY!"
"Why?" drawls the r**... innocently. "I have the right two bear arms!"
All these kids breaking in to buildings and taking out the valuables make me sick.
I mean, I can't understand why Fortnite is so popular.
An art collector walks by a shop and sees a stray cat drinking from a dish that looks very valuable.
The art collector asks the shop keeper if he could buy the cat.
The shop keeper tells him he can have it for $10.
The art collector asks if he could get the dish as well because the cats already familiar with it.
The shop keeper tells him he can't have it because its his lucky dish.
The art collector asks why it is lucky.
The shop keeper tells him its lucky because he has sold twelve cats this week.
A robber decides to rob a house.
He comes in silently, doesn't turn on any lights, and starts to look for the valuables. In one room, he suddenly hears a voice say I can see you! And Jesus can see you too! The robber looks around frantically in the dark, when he hears the same voice, again say I can see you! And Jesus can see you too! The robber takes out his flashlight, and turns it on to see a parrot. He breathes a sigh of relief, and taunts by saying You're just a parrot. What are you going to do? The parrot responds I may be just a parrot, but Jesus is a Doberman.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The benefits of F***ing
1.F***ing once a week is good for your health, but it's harmful if done every day.
2. F***ing relaxes your mind and body.
3. F***ing refreshes you.
4. After F***ing, don't eat too much; go for more liquids.
5. Try F***ing in bed 'cause it can save you valuable energy.
6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol levels.
SO, REMEMBER ..
Fasting is good for your health
