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Valuable Jokes

69 valuable jokes and hilarious valuable puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about valuable that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Valuable Short Jokes

Short valuable jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The valuable humour may include short priceless jokes also.

  1. Whenever I go out, I always wear a stethoscope. That way, in the event of a medical emergency, I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
  2. I always wear my Stethoscope around my neck So in an emergency, it teaches people a valuable lesson about assumption
  3. So I started seeing a therapist to help with my kleptomania I've already taken something valuable from each session
  4. I've started wearing a stethoscope around my neck... So, if there's a medical emergency I get to teach people a valuable lesson about making assumptions based on someone's appearance.
  5. How did the editor fix the writer's article about appreciation for a certain valuable mineral?
  6. Street gangs of southern LA have started decapitating each other and using the body parts to trade for goods... The most valuable of which is the Crip toe currency.
  7. A couple of police officers taught me a valuable lesson about grocery stores. Apparently, employees aren't supposed to have free thyme.
  8. Did you hear the founders of New York City were Jewish..... Who else can buy the most valuable land in the world for 26 seashells.
  9. I was just asked to give my credit card details. I said, "It's rectangular, blue and not very valuable."
  10. What's the difference between snooker and society? In snooker, black is the most valuable colour.

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Valuable One Liners

Which valuable one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with valuable? I can suggest the ones about precious and profitable.

  1. Mama, is this safe to eat? No honey... it's for storing our valuables.
  2. How do you protect your valuables from an accordionist? Hide them in an old folk song.
  3. How do make a Kia twice as valuable? Fill up the tank
  4. I was asked why I put my valuables in a Monopoly board game box. Better safe than SORRY!
  5. College taught me a valuable lesson. I'm still paying for it.
  6. The two most valuable lessons I've learned in life: 1) never reveal everything you know.
  7. Felons would be a really valuable voting base... After all, we know they have conviction.
  8. Why is Ireland so valuable? Because it's capital is always Dublin!
  9. How do you make previous valuable. You replace v with c.
  10. What is the most valuable kind of sheep? A ewe.
  11. What makes cows and horses so valuable? They have a lot of moo/neigh.
  12. What fish is the most valuable? A goldfish.
  13. Time is at once the most valuable and most perishable of all our possessions.
  14. Where does Dracula keep his valuables? In a blood bank.
  15. Men are like toys They are only valuable when they are in the box.

Valuable Lesson Jokes

Here is a list of funny valuable lesson jokes and even better valuable lesson puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I taught my son a valuable life lesson today about not letting people take advantage of you. It cost him £50.
  • jenga teaches children a valuable life lesson. That if you work hard and spend a lot of time on something, some idiot will come along and ruin it all for you.
  • My scout leader taught me a very valuable lesson... ... "If you lick your fingers and wet it a little, it will slide right in". Threading needles has never been this easy!
  • When I have kids I'm going to teach them valuable lessons like don't do drugs ...Sell them!
  • You know something? Minecraft taught me a valuable life lesson...
    Never spend your diamonds on a h**...
  • Minecraft taught us all a valuable lesson Never spend diamonds on a h**...
Valuable joke, Minecraft taught us all a valuable lesson

Happy Valuable Jokes for a Lighthearted Night with Friends

What funny jokes about valuable you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean worthless jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make valuable pranks.

s**... kid

A barber was doing his business and a kid walked in his shop.
The barber told his customer:
- See that kid, he's the stupidest kid I've ever know. Here I'll prove it to you.
The barber yells at kid to come to him so his customer can watch.
The barber pulls out a 2 euro coin and a 5 euro bill and asks the kid:
- Hey kid, what do u choose?
The kid takes the 2 euro coin and leaves. The barber:
- See, I told u. He chooses 2 euro coin every time.
The customer walks out and sees the kid around the corner eating ice-cream.
He approaches the kid and asks:
- Do u not know the difference between a 2 euro coin and a 5 euro bill. Which one is more valuable?
The kid replies:
- I know the difference, but the moment I choose the 5 euro bill, the game is over.

Jesus knows you're here

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shines his flashlight around the house looking for valuables when a voice in the dark says "Jesus knows you're here." Freaked out, he turns his flashlight off and freezes, but hears nothing more so shakes his head and continues. As he is disconnecting cables from the TV, he hears very clearly "Jesus is watching you." Startled, he shines his light around frantically looking for the source of the voice. In the corner of the room he spots a Parrot. "Did you say that?" he asks. "Yes," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you." The burglar laughs a bit, "warn me huh? Who in the world are you!" "Moses." The bird replies. With a now humorous tone, the burglar asks "What kind of person would name a bird Moses?" The bird replies "the same kind of people who would name a rottweiler Jesus."

A Painter and a Gallery Owner

painter: How are my paintings selling?
Gallery Owner: Well, there is some good news and some bad news. A man came in the other day and asked me if you were a painter whose work would become more valuable after your death. When I told him I thought you were, he bought everything you had in the gallery.
Painter: Wow! That's terrific! What's the bad news?
Gallery Owner: He was your doctor

A burglar breaks into a house...

He starts searching the house for valuables and comes across some jewelery, which he begins to stuff into his bag. Just then a menacing voice echoes through the house moaning "Jesus is watching you". The burglar looks around, sees no one and decides his imagination is just playing tricks on him. As the burglar continues his search he finds some electronics, but before he can stuff them in his bag he hears the voice again moaning "Jesus is watching you". This time the burglar takes a good look around the room he's in and realizes that there is a bird cage with a parrot in it. He walks up to the parrot and asks, "Did you say that?". The parrot stares at him for a second and replies "yes". The burglar realizes that the parrot is somewhat intelligent so he asks "What's your name?". The parrot squawks "Moses".
"What kinda guy names his parrot Moses?"
"The same kinda guy who names his vicious rottweiler Jesus"

German spies

During the war, two German spies were sent to London to gather valuable intel. To immerse themselves in the local culture they walk into a local pub and walk up to the bar. The first German says to the barman in an impeccable English accent
"May I have two Martinis please?"
"Dry?" asked the barman.
The German replied, holding up two fingers.
"Nein! Zwei!"

F***ING !

1) F***ing once a week is good for your health, but it is harmful if done everyday
2) F***ing relaxes your mind & body
3) F***ing refreshes you
4) After F***ing don't eat too much go for more liquids
5)Try F***ing in bed cause it can save your valuable energy
6) F***ing can reduce your cholesterol level
So remember FASTING is good for your health.
GOD BLESS YOUR DIRTY MIND :

So, A Man Breaks Into a House...

He begins looking for valuables and such when he hears a voice.
"Jesus is watching you."
The man looks around for the source of the voice. It speaks again.
"Jesus is watching you."
After a few moments, the man finds a parrot in a cage.
"Jesus is watching you." It says.
The man smirked. "Hey there, little guy. What's your name?"
"Moses."
"What kind of people name their parrot Moses?"
"The same kind of people who name their rottweiler Jesus."

Snooker is like s**....

The pink is more valuable than the brown.

A company hire an efficiency expert as a consultant.

To everyone's surprise, the presentation was very interesting. For once many felt like this was a valuable use of time! as the presenter finished up, he said, "I hope you have found use in my presentation today, but I would warn you, be careful about using these techniques at home. The other night I was watching as my wife did the dinner dishes, and noticed some inefficiency in her technique. Wanting to be helpful, I advised her of several small improvements that could add up to maximum efficiency."
One of the attendees raised their hand,"Did it work? Did the dishwashing become more efficient?"
"Oh yes," the consultant replied,"before my advice, my wife took 18 minutes to finish the dishes, now I do it in 12."

A Mexican and a Doctor both build a house.

The houses are exactly the same and stand right next to each other.
After they are done the Mexican tells the doctor: "My house is much more valuable than your house", to which the Doctor replies: "Why should your house be more valuable? They are exactly the same."
 
"Isn't that obvious? My house is next to a doctors house, while yours is next to a Mexicans house"

Reverse pick-up line

"Girl, you're like a truffle..."
"Hard to find and very valuable?", the girl asks with a smile.
"No, only pigs dig you."

A starship engineer trades half their ship's cargo...

For a sub light engine. The captain finds out and is angry:
"Why did you trade valuable cargo for something 1/10th the value?"
The engineer replies: "Sorry captain, it was an impulse buy"

There's been a series of break-ins throughout the neighborhood and suspects are said to be caucasion.

Police recommend hiding all your valuables in your spice cabinet.

Discount Air Rides

Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking, 'What trip?'

My parenrs were very principled people...

When I was young, they caught me smoking one Newport. They proceeded to force me to smoke the whole pack, just to teach me a valuable lesson..
..about brand loyalty.
_ credits to Anthony Jeselnik

Why is the s**... of a bachelor more valuable than the s**... of a married man?

It's usually hand made.

There was a bay guard

He had this job for many years, but he retired at 45. He decided that he would try to make juice and sell it for extra cash.
He bought everything needed, and began. However, he could never make any juice. He learned a valuable lesson that day:
Bay guards can't be juicers.

A painter asked: How am I selling?

Gallery Owner: Well there's good news and bad news. A man came in and asked me if you were a painter whose work would become more valuable after your death. When I told him I thought you were, he brought everything you had in the gallery.
Painter: Wow! That's terrific! What's the bad news?
Gallery Owner: He was your doctor

A man walks into a bar ...

with a pig under his arm. The bartender looks at the pig, notices a wooden leg and asks 'Why has this pig got a wooden leg ?'
The man replies 'Ah that's a tale. We had a fire in our house last week. This pig came upstairs and woke up our entire family. We all escaped the blaze thanks to this pig'.
The bartender was impressed. ' Did the pig lose a leg in the fire?'
'Oh no' said the man 'An animal this valuable ? You don't eat them all at once'

Why are s**... in s**... banks more valuable than blood in blood banks?

The s**... is hand-made.

A mugger held a couple.

While pointing a gun and taking their valuables, he asked the them:
Mugger: What's your name?
Woman: My name is Donna.
Mugger: You have a name like my mother. I will not kill you then. And you? (Asking the other)
Man: My name is Dave, but my friends call me Anne.

I'm opening a store that only sells vaults for storing valuable items and high fidelity audio equipment

It's called Safe and Sound.

A robber breaks into a house to see a n**... couple at it......

He quickly ties them up at gunpoint and goes around the whole house collecting all the valuables, when the t**... man pleads "Please untie her and let her go, you can keep me t**... for as long as you want"
"Do u love you your wife that much? "
"No!" sighs the man "she's the neighbours wife........... it's nearly time for my wife to return from work!!"

All these kids breaking in to buildings and taking out the valuables make me sick.

I mean, I can't understand why Fortnite is so popular.

An art collector walks by a shop and sees a stray cat drinking from a dish that looks very valuable.

The art collector asks the shop keeper if he could buy the cat.
The shop keeper tells him he can have it for $10.
The art collector asks if he could get the dish as well because the cats already familiar with it.
The shop keeper tells him he can't have it because its his lucky dish.
The art collector asks why it is lucky.
The shop keeper tells him its lucky because he has sold twelve cats this week.

A robber decides to rob a house.

He comes in silently, doesn't turn on any lights, and starts to look for the valuables. In one room, he suddenly hears a voice say I can see you! And Jesus can see you too! The robber looks around frantically in the dark, when he hears the same voice, again say I can see you! And Jesus can see you too! The robber takes out his flashlight, and turns it on to see a parrot. He breathes a sigh of relief, and taunts by saying You're just a parrot. What are you going to do? The parrot responds I may be just a parrot, but Jesus is a Doberman.

The benefits of F***ing

1.F***ing once a week is good for your health, but it's harmful if done every day.
2. F***ing relaxes your mind and body.
3. F***ing refreshes you.
4. After F***ing, don't eat too much; go for more liquids.
5. Try F***ing in bed 'cause it can save you valuable energy.
6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol levels.
SO, REMEMBER ..
Fasting is good for your health

Valuable joke

jokes about valuable