valuable Jokes

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Whenever I go out, I always wear a stethoscope.

That way, in the event of a medical emergency, I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.


A Painter and a Gallery Owner

Painter: How are my paintings selling?

Gallery Owner: Well, there is some good news and some bad news. A man came in the other day and asked me if you were a painter whose work would become more valuable after your death. When I told him I thought you were, he bought everything you had in the gallery.

Painter: Wow! That's terrific! What's the bad news?

Gallery Owner: He was your doctor


I wear a stethoscope, so that in the case of a medical emergency,

I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.


I always wear my Stethoscope around my neck

So in an emergency, it teaches people a valuable lesson about assumption


A company hire an efficiency expert as a consultant.

To everyone's surprise, the presentation was very interesting. For once many felt like this was a valuable use of time! as the presenter finished up, he said, "I hope you have found use in my presentation today, but I would warn you, be careful about using these techniques at home. The other night I was watching as my wife did the dinner dishes, and noticed some inefficiency in her technique. Wanting to be helpful, I advised her of several small improvements that could add up to maximum efficiency."
One of the attendees raised their hand,"Did it work? Did the dishwashing become more efficient?"
"Oh yes," the consultant replied,"before my advice, my wife took 18 minutes to finish the dishes, now I do it in 12."


So I started seeing a therapist to help with my kleptomania

I've already taken something valuable from each session


German spies

During the war, two German spies were sent to London to gather valuable intel. To immerse themselves in the local culture they walk into a local pub and walk up to the bar. The first German says to the barman in an impeccable English accent
"May I have two Martinis please?"
"Dry?" asked the barman.
The German replied, holding up two fingers.
"Nein! Zwei!"


I've started wearing a stethoscope around my neck...

So, if there's a medical emergency I get to teach people a valuable lesson about making assumptions based on someone's appearance.



A famous art collector is walking through Greenwich Village when he notices a mangy old cat lapping milk from a saucer in front of a store. And the collector does a double take when he sees the saucer. He knows it's very old and very valuable.

So he saunters casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

But the store owner says to him, 'I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.'

And the collector says, 'Please. I need a hungry old tomcat around the house to catch mice. I'll give you ten dollars for him.'

And the owner says, 'Sold,' and takes the ten dollars.

Then the collector says, 'Listen, I was wondering if, for the ten dollars, you might include that old saucer. The cat seems to be used to it. It'll save me a dish.'
And the owner says, 'Sorry, buddy. That's my lucky saucer. So far this week, I've sold sixty-eight cats!'


A Mexican and a Doctor both build a house.

The houses are exactly the same and stand right next to each other.

After they are done the Mexican tells the doctor: "My house is much more valuable than your house", to which the Doctor replies: "Why should your house be more valuable? They are exactly the same."


"Isn't that obvious? My house is next to a doctors house, while yours is next to a Mexicans house"


Jesus is watching you...

A man broke into a house one night, his goal was to take something small and valuable.

While he was searching through the stuff he heard a small voice "Jesus is watching you."

He stopped for a moment and said to himself "This must be a voice from my old sunday school."

So he continued searching, about 5 minutes later he heard the voice again "Jesus is watching you."

He turned his flashlight to the direction and he saw a parrot.

He said to the parrot "What is your name?" The parrot replied "Moses"

The robber then said "What kind of silly people would name there parrot Moses?"

The parrot looked up and said **"The same people who named the pitbull jesus!"**



These two men liked to dig up graves and collect the items deceased were burried with. They mostly dug up famous people, and took items like jewelry and other valuable items.

One day they decided to go to a graveyard in london. Their they found Mozarts grave. They spent hours digging up the grave, and when the finaly got to the coffin and opened it there was a man sitting their erasing things in this large book. So the graverobbers asked him, "Uhhh, What are you doing?"

He then replied, "De-composing."


The Art Collector [Clean]

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store. He does a double take.

He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The store owner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale."

The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you 20 dollars for that cat."

And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."

The owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."


Why are sperm in sperm banks more valuable than blood in blood banks?

The sperm is hand-made.


How do make a Kia twice as valuable?

Fill up the tank


So a man finds a dirty lamp on the ground...

and he starts to clean it, because he thinks it may be valuable! After a while of rubbing it a genie comes out, and says "Hey! I'm a genie and normally i'd grant you 3 wishes but today i'm really tired, so I can only grant you one."

So after a while of thinking, the man says "Alright, I've always loved Hawaii. I want a bridge that goes from my backyard to there."

The genie snorts. "That's probably the dumbest wish I've ever heard! Make a different one."

So after another long while of thinking, the man says "I want to be able to know what any woman is thinking."

The genie then replies "So do you want this bridge to be invisible from other people or....


How did the editor fix the writer's article about appreciation for a certain valuable mineral?


A millionaire enters the town of Klon.

Upon arriving he notices a particularly popular homosexual bar specifically for women. Seeing a potentially valuable investment, he enters and speaks to the owner.

"How much to own this place?" He asks.

The owner responds: "not for sale, I've got customers waiting."

The millionaire, not wanting to miss an investment, grabs the owners arm as he turns to go and says "wait, I'll do anything to own this place!"

The owner turns back to him slowly and says... "What would you do for a Klon Dyke-bar?"


Discount Air Rides

Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking, 'What trip?'


Why is the sperm of a bachelor more valuable than the sperm of a married man?

It's usually hand made.


Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day

Teach a man to fish and you are fucking retarded for loosing a valuable customer


Did you hear the founders of New York City were Jewish.....

Who else can buy the most valuable land in the world for 26 seashells.


A couple of police officers taught me a valuable lesson about grocery stores.

Apparently, employees aren't supposed to have free thyme.


Snooker is like sex.

The pink is more valuable than the brown.


College taught me a valuable lesson.

I'm still paying for it.


I was just asked to give my credit card details.

I said, "It's rectangular, blue and not very valuable."


A man tries to rob a record store...

... by stealing many valuable vinyls. However, a sharp-eyed-shopper caught him in the act. He shouted out, "Hey! This guy's trying to shoplift!" to the rest of the store. The thief tried to run away, but the shopper grabbed a record and threw it at the man, knocking him over. Several other shoppers noticed, and joined in on the act, ransacking the *Hard Rock* section for vinyls to throw at the thief, beating and bruising him all over with their throws.

Eventually, the mob ran out of vinyls to throw from the *Hard Rock* section. So, they went over the neighboring section, *Folk Rock*, and grabbed even more records to throw at the thief. However, to their astonishment, the records had no effect. The discs bounced off the man like he was invulnerable to them. Astounded, the sharp-eyed shopper asked, "How are you not getting hurt?"

The thief replied, "Styx and the Stones may break my bones, but Byrds will never hurt me."


What did the deer say when he left the gay bar?

I can't believe I blew fifty bucks back there!

I'll offer an alternative also as they are both stupid.

What did the giraffe say when he walked into the bar?
The high balls are on me.

Commence the booing, hissing and downvoting! Comments of 'lame' or 'gay' are also very welcome and offer highly valuable feedback.


What's the difference between snooker and society?

In snooker, black is the most valuable colour.


The two most valuable lessons I've learned in life:

1) never reveal everything you know.


Felons would be a really valuable voting base...

After all, we know they have conviction.


A starship engineer trades half their ship's cargo...

For a sub light engine. The captain finds out and is angry:
"Why did you trade valuable cargo for something 1/10th the value?"
The engineer replies: "Sorry captain, it was an impulse buy"


A painter asked: How am I selling?

Gallery Owner: Well there's good news and bad news. A man came in and asked me if you were a painter whose work would become more valuable after your death. When I told him I thought you were, he brought everything you had in the gallery.

Painter: Wow! That's terrific! What's the bad news?

Gallery Owner: He was your doctor


A man walks into a bar ...

with a pig under his arm. The bartender looks at the pig, notices a wooden leg and asks 'Why has this pig got a wooden leg ?'
The man replies 'Ah that's a tale. We had a fire in our house last week. This pig came upstairs and woke up our entire family. We all escaped the blaze thanks to this pig'.
The bartender was impressed. ' Did the pig lose a leg in the fire?'
'Oh no' said the man 'An animal this valuable ? You don't eat them all at once'


My parenrs were very principled people...

When I was young, they caught me smoking one Newport. They proceeded to force me to smoke the whole pack, just to teach me a valuable lesson..

..about brand loyalty.

_ credits to Anthony Jeselnik


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