The Best 82 Valentines Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Valentines jokes. There are some valentines february jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these valentines valentine kid puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Valentines Jokes and Puns
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day? Hog and kisses!
What did the boy bird say to the girl bird on Valentine's Day? Let me call you Tweet heart!
What would you call a woman who goes out with You? Desperate!
I require three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.
What do you call a very small valentine? A valentiny.
I didn't know angels could fly so low.
What's the best part about Valentine's Day? The day after when all the chocolate goes on sale.
For Valentines Day I have been contemplating my current and past relationships.
I organized the data and plotted it using an Ex-Axis and a Why-Axis.
I'm not doing anything cheesy for my girlfriend on valentines day...
She's lactose intolerant.
A Valentines Poem
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Whitney Houston is dead
and iiiiiiieeeeiiiii will always love yoooouooooou
You can explore valentines xmas reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean valentines sim dad jokes. There are also valentines puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Just got 15 Valentines cards! It's left me completely breathless...
The security guard in Clintons Cards gave me quite a chase
If I worked in a restaurant....
on Valentines Day I'd put a fake engagement ring in every girl's drink.
A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day
A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day. She is placing her items on the belt: a TV dinner, a soap opera digest, 3 bottles of wine, and 3 chocolate bars.
The clerk looks and her and says "I hate Valentines Day...what about you, you must be single right?"
"Yeah" she responds, "how did you know? Was it the stuff I'm buying?"
"Nah, you're ugly"
Something on Valentines Day I just don't get...
Laid.
It's still Valentines day for another hour..
Roses are red
Violets are blue
No, they are violet
FTFY
{Need joke help} Valentines/BBQ puns
Sorry if this is the wrong place to post!
I got my SO some fancy BBQ sauces for valentines day and want to replace the labels with funny or valentine's themed names. Id love it if you could help me think of some!
Oscar Pistorius misunderstood his girlfriend...
when she said: "for Valentines day, can you take me out?"
This Valentines Day, I want to really surprise my wife.
So I'm gonna introduce her to my girlfriend.
Someone with a girl friend should write this in their Valentines Day card
I was going to buy you a car, but I knew you'd be disappointed if I didn't give you the D.
Funny Valentines Day Card
What did one tower say to the other on 9/11?
I'm falling for you..
Happy valentines day
A boyfriend says to his girlfriend, "Baby, you're kind of like Charles Barkley..."
"...You've been on the team for so long and you're still not getting a ring! Happy Valentines day!"
For a moment, i had a different opinion on 'Chinese girls'
This Valentines day, I asked a Chinese girl for her number.
She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free Sex tonight!"
I said, "Wow!"
Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
Being single in valentines day its not painful
If yo dont have a partner in valentines day, then dont be sad..
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Not every people have Aids On Aids Day grin emoticon
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Being single in valentines day its not painful, BuT
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Not Having Mom In Mothers Day, its Really Painful
Happy Valentines!
A little early I know, but l suffer from premature congratulation
girl answer when boy ask about valentines
Boy: Do you have a date for Valentine's Day?
Girl: Yes, February 14th.
How do you kiss a girl on valentines day?
You use tulips.
Nothing is too good for my girlfriend on Valentines day...
I tried to get her nothing, but she was too good for that.
Why do skunks celebrate valentines day?
Because they are very scentimental.
Where did I take my pet Cow on Valentines Day?
To the Moooovies
I just had a breakup for being honest
GF: You know to day is Valentines Day right?
ME: mmm...yeah, so?
GF: Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous.
ME: Well, that explains why they've received flowers doesn't it?
I just got over 15 Valentines cards! It left me breathless...
The security guard at the Hallmark store gave quite a chase.
Roses are red, violets are blue. If he's busy on Valentines Day...
...the side chick is you.
This valentines day be sure not to buy flowers from any Monks.
Because only you can prevent florist friars!
Need a joke for valentines card
Valentines is tomorrow and i just wondering anyone could tell me a jokes so i can write on it to my gf
Thank you!!
For the valentines spirit
Roses are red violets are blue I am pregnant but it is not from you
My wife said she wanted to feel special this Valentines Day.
So I bought her a helmet and some crayons.
If any of you are sad about being alone on valentines day, just remember...
that nobody loves you on any other day of the year, and valentine's day shouldn't be any different.
Valentines Day Flowers
Blonde #1: Oh how I hate when he brings me flowers. All night I'll be on my back with my legs in the air.
Blonde #2: Don't you own a vase?
Me and girlfriend don't usually do anything for valentines day, thought I'd surprise her so I booked a table for us, she was so excited when I told her
Never realised she liked snooker so much.
Ill be spending this Valentines day like Han.
Solo.
My girlfriend told me that on valentines day she wants to get treated like a princess
So I got her assassinated in a French underpass.
What did Barack Obama write inside his Valentines card?
"I'm glad I've got you Michelle; I didn't want to be Obamaself"
For Valentines Day my friend got a set of bracelets, a chauffeured ride around town, free meal and place to spend the night and still complained.
probably because he was arrested.
I want to create a VR girl/boyfriend simulator for those alone on Valentines Day...
I shall call it, E-Bae
what's the worst thing you could get your special someone on valentines day?
a divorce
An amazing coincidence happens every year in India
14th Feb Valentines day.
9 months later,
14th Nov Children's day.
Told my wife that I am taking her to "The Amazing Escape Room" for Valentines day....
...I hope she likes The Best Western!
I have a date for Valentines
February the 14th
I'm going to spend Valentines day with my ex
Box one 😭
Some people call today Valentines day..
I call today arm day...then again...same thing I guess.
Valentines Night Surprise.
My Wife was all exited when I told her that I had booked a table for Two for Valentines Night, I just hopes she likes Snooker.
My wife just called me and said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous!"
I repied, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."
If the Swan symbolizes happiness, what bird symbolizes true love?
The Swallow.
I bought my girlfriend a pink vibrator for valentines day.
She told me as long as she has me she won't need it. I told her "actually that's what I'm here to talk about"
My favorite restaurant
I went to my favorite restaurant on valentines day and it was full. There was no place to sit and the wait was over an hour.
I took out my phone, placed it to my ear, and said loudly, "Hey, get over here! She's here with someone else!"
Three couples got up and quickly left.
Palm Sunday
For Dads ... Fathers Day,
For mothers ... Mothers Day,
For Lovers ... Valentines Day
For Wankers there is Palm Sunday
My deaf girlfriend gave me a valentines card..
It said "will you be mime?"
I made sure I got my wife exactly what she asked for this valentines day.
Hopefully she'll bake something nice with the assortment of flours I bought her.
Remember proper protection this valentines day
Ensure your safeword is at least 8 characters long and has a fair mix of uppercase, lowercase and digits
For those without a date for Valentines Day...
I have one for you!
It's February 14th.
You're welcome! Enjoy it!
i want to buy my girlfriend a present within 200$ on valentines day any suggestions?
i also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 200$
My milk expires next thursday
That means my milk has a date on Valentines Day, and I still don't.
Valentines special! $500.00
We arrest you in front of your wife and release you on Sunday.
It includes fishing license, poles, boat fees, tent, beers and all necessities for the whole weekend.
We come in full police uniforms and blue lights.
19 minutes until Valentines
If I kill myself right now, I'll get flowers later.
I used to open so many cards on Valentines Day.
Eventually the post office fired me for it.
Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife's face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.
For the past 20 years, I've had a Valentines card from a secret admirer. I was sad I didn't get one this year!
First my gran dies, now this!
Valentines day is here....
But i have nothing to be happy about ... things are so bad even my fantasies wanna be just friends.
"My brother was telling me he received a Valentines day card today"
"Awe, he must've been thrilled. "
"No, not really, it was from his cell mate. "
I have been married 38 years but have never been very romantic, so this Valentines night I am going to change, I have booked a table for two for me and the missus.
Just hope she likes snooker.
A brunette gets a bouquet of flowers for valentines day.
The other office women are admiring the flowers as they are delivered to her.
She then smirks and says to the crowd of women gathered around "I guess this means I will be spending the night with my legs in the air."
The blonde then says "Don't you have a vase?"
I received a bunch of flowers for valentines day, with the heads cut off
I think I was being stalked
I have a joke about Valentines
Most of you wont get it.
"Do you have a date for Valentines Day?"
I said, "Yep!! It's February 14th."
Today I got 150 Valentines cards, I was totally shocked and breathless
The security guard at Hallmark gave quite a chase!
Had me a Barack Obama valentines day.
Obama self.
Valentines Day is on Monday
Funerals usually take place on Saturday and Sunday. After the burial the flowers will still be fresh. What you do with this information is up to you.
Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.
It's February 14th.
My favorite St. Valentines joke
A mother heard her daughter crying in her room, so she went in to see what was the matter.
"What's the matter, dear?"
"Oh, Mom, it's Valentine's Day and nobody loves me!"
The mother thought for a moment and said "Oh, cheer up dear, this isn't the only day nobody loves you!"
My Cake Day joke: I finally got a girlfriend for Valentines Day!!!
Her name is Rejection.
Bought my wife a new belt and bag for Valentines day,
The vacuum works just fine now.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the valentines valentine chemistry jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working valentines valentine days piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.