valentines Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious valentines puns

My wife just called me and said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous!"

I repied, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."

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If any of you are sad about being alone on valentines day, just remember...

that nobody loves you on any other day of the year, and valentine's day shouldn't be any different.

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My wife just called me.

She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous."

I said, "Well that's probably why they've received flowers then."

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My wife said she wanted to feel special this Valentines Day.

So I bought her a helmet and some crayons.

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For a moment, i had a different opinion on 'Chinese girls'

This Valentines day, I asked a Chinese girl for her number.
She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free Sex tonight!"
I said, "Wow!"
Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

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A Valentines Poem

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Whitney Houston is dead
and iiiiiiieeeeiiiii will always love yoooouooooou

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Something on Valentines Day I just don't get...

Laid.

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My wife called me on Valentine's Day

She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous."

I said, "Well that's probably why they've received flowers then."

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It's still Valentines day for another hour..

Roses are red
Violets are blue
No, they are violet
FTFY

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What did Barack Obama write inside his Valentines card?

"I'm glad I've got you Michelle; I didn't want to be Obamaself"

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Rich friend and a poor friend meet a day before Valentine's Day

Poor man asks - What did you buy for your wife for valentines?

Rich man - A Mercedes C class and a diamond necklace

Poor man - why a necklace ?

Rich man - so if she doesn't like the car she can return it and keep the necklace, what did you get for yours ?

Poor man - a pair of slippers and a dildo

Rich man - why a dildo?

Poor man - so if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.

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I bought my girlfriend a pink vibrator for valentines day.

She told me as long as she has me she won't need it. I told her "actually that's what I'm here to talk about"

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(My only Valentines day related joke) If the Swan symbolizes happiness, what bird symbolizes true love?

The Swallow.

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It must suck to have your period on valentines day

But an even bigger pain in the ass.

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I have a date for Valentines

February the 14th

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How do you kiss a girl on valentines day?

You use tulips.

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girl answer when boy ask about valentines

Boy: Do you have a date for Valentine's Day?

Girl: Yes, February 14th.

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A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day

A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day. She is placing her items on the belt: a TV dinner, a soap opera digest, 3 bottles of wine, and 3 chocolate bars.

The clerk looks and her and says "I hate Valentines Day...what about you, you must be single right?"

"Yeah" she responds, "how did you know? Was it the stuff I'm buying?"




"Nah, you're ugly"

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Me and girlfriend don't usually do anything for valentines day, thought I'd surprise her so I booked a table for us, she was so excited when I told her

Never realised she liked snooker so much.

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If I worked in a restaurant....

on Valentines Day I'd put a fake engagement ring in every girl's drink.

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Roses are red, violets are blue. If he's busy on Valentines Day...

...the side chick is you.

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Just got 15 Valentines cards! It's left me completely breathless...

The security guard in Clintons Cards gave me quite a chase

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My wife asked me for a divorce on valentines

I told her i wasnt willing to spend that much on her

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My girlfriend told me that on valentines day she wants to get treated like a princess

So I got her assassinated in a French underpass.

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Ill be spending this Valentines day like Han.

Solo.

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My favorite restaurant

I went to my favorite restaurant on valentines day and it was full. There was no place to sit and the wait was over an hour.

I took out my phone, placed it to my ear, and said loudly, "Hey, get over here! She's here with someone else!"

Three couples got up and quickly left.

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This Valentines Day, I want to really surprise my wife.

So I'm gonna introduce her to my girlfriend.

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To all the single people this Valentines weekend

Go fuck yourself ;-)

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Palm Sunday

For Dads ... Fathers Day,
For mothers ... Mothers Day,
For Lovers ... Valentines Day
For Wankers there is Palm Sunday

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Happy Valentines!

A little early I know, but l suffer from premature congratulation

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I'm not doing anything cheesy for my girlfriend on valentines day...

She's lactose intolerant.

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For the valentines spirit

Roses are red violets are blue I am pregnant but it is not from you

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Valentines Jokes for Kids

What did one light bulb say to the other light bulb on Valentine’s Day? I wuv you watts and watts!

What do you say to an octopus on Valentine’s Day? I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!

What do you call a ghost’s true love? His ghoul-friend.

What do you call the world's smallest Valentine’s Day card? A valen-teeny.

What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine’s Day? I’m stuck on you!

Knock Knock. Who's there? Olive. Olive who? Olive you!

Why do skunks love Valentine’s Day? They are very scent-imental creatures.

What’s the best part about Valentine’s Day? The day after when all the candy is on sale.

What did one bee say to the other? I love bee-ing with you, honey!

What did one cat say to the other cat on Valentine's Day? Don't ever change, you're purrrfect.



Why would you want to marry a goalie? Because he (or she) is a real keeper!

What type of shape is most popular on Valentine's Day? Acute triangle.

Have you got a date for Valentine's Day? Yeah, it's February 14th.

What did the painter say to her sweetheart? I love you with all my art.

What did Robin Hood say to his girlfriend? Sherwood like to be your valentine.

Why did the sheriff lock up her boyfriend? He stole her heart.

What do you call two birds in love? Tweethearts!

What kind of candy is never on time? Choco-LATE.

What do you write in a slug’s Valentine’s Day card? Be my Valen-slime!

Knock Knock. Who's there? Luke. Luke who? Luke who got a Valentine!

What did one volcano say to the other? I lava you!

What did the cucumber say to the pickle? You mean a great dill to me.

How did the phone propose to his GF? He gave her a ring.

What did the one sheep say to the other? I love ewe!

And how did the other sheep respond? You’re not so baaaaaa-d yourself

What did the farmer give his wife for Valentine’s Day? Hogs and kisses.

And what did the tweenager give his mom? Ughs and kisses!

Why is Valentine’s Day a good day for a party? Because you can really party hearty!

What kind of flowers should you NOT give on Valentine’s Day? Cauliflowers!

What do owls say to declare their love? Owl be yours!

What did Frankenstien's monster say to his bride on Valentine's Day? Be my Valenstein!

Who’s there? Frank. Frank who? Frank you for being my friend!




  • Knock, knock! Who’s there? Jimmy. Jimmy who? Jimmy a little kiss?
  • Knock, knock! Who’s there? Atlas. Atlas who? Atlas Valentine’s Day is here!
  • Knock, knock. Who’s there? Luke. Luke who? Luke, I got a Valentine!
  • Knock Knock. Who’s there? Al. Al who? Al be your Valentine if you’ll be mine.
  • Knock, knock. Who’s there? Alec. Alec who? Alec to kiss your cheek.
  • Knock Knock Who’s there? Bea. Bea who? Bea my Valentine.
  • Knock Knock Who’s there? Emma. Emma who? Emma hoping I get lots of cards on Valentine’s Day.
  • Knock Knock Who’s there? Frank. Frank who? Frank you for being my friend.
  • Knock, knock. Who’s there? Howard. Howard who? Howard you like to be my Valentine?


  1. Q: What did the drum say to the other drum on Valentine’s Day? A: My heart beats for you.
  2. Q: What do you call a very small Valentine? A: A valentiny.
  3. Q: What did the calculator say to the pencil on Valentine’s Day? A: You can always count on me.
  4. Q: What did the pickle say to the other pickle on Vale nine’s Day? A: You mean a great dill to me.
  5. Q: Why did the man send his wife’s Valentine through twitter? A: Because she is his tweetheart.
  6. Q: What Valentine’s Day candy is only for girls? A: HER-SHE’s Kisses.
  7. Q: What kind of Valentine’s Day candy is never on time? A: ChocoLATE
  8. Q: What did Pilgrims give each other on Valentine’s Day? A: Mayflowers
  9. Q: What did one snake say to the other snake? A: Give me a little hug and a hiss, honey.
  10. Q: What did cavemen give their wives on Valentine’s Day? A: Lots of ughs and kisses.
  11. Q: What’s the best part of Valentine’s Day? A: The day after when all the chocolate goes on sale.
  12. Q: What did one font say to the other on Valentine’s Day? A: You’re just my type.
  13. Q: What food is crazy about Valentine’s Day chocolates? A: A cocoa-nut.
  14. Q: What was the French cat’s favorite Valentine’s Day dessert? A: Chocolate mousse
  15. Q: What did the light bulb say to the other light bulb on Valentine’s Day? A: I love you a watt.
  16. Q: Why didn’t the skeleton want to send any Valentine’s Day cards? A: His heart wasn’t in it.
  17. Q: What do you call two birds in love? A: Tweethearts.
  18. Q: Why did the boy put clothes on the valentines card he was sending? A: He thought they needed to be ad-dressed.
  19. Q: What did the girl bumble bee say to the boy bumble bee on Valentine’s Day? A: I love bee-ing with you, Honey.
  20. Q: How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend? A: He gave her a ring.
  21. Q: What did the girl squirrel say to the boy squirrel on Valentine’s Day? A: I’m nuts about you.
  22. Q: Which animal shares the most love? A: A heartvaark
  23. Q: What did the sheep say to the other on February 14th? A: Wool you be my valentine.
  24. Q: Who did the man send a Valentine to through twitter? A: His tweetheart.
  25. Q: What did the drum say to the other drum on Valentine’s Day? A: My heart beats for you.
  26. Q: Why didn’t the skeleton want to send any Valentine’s Day cards? A: His heart wasn’t in it.
  27. Q: Where do hamburgers take their sweethearts on Valentine’s Day to dance? A: To the meatball.
  28. Q: What did the seamstress say to express her love? A: You’re sew special to me.
  29. Q: What did the blueberry say to his wife on Valentine’s Day? A: I love you berry much.
  30. Q: What did the Valentine’s Day card say to the stamp? A: Stick with me and you’ll go places.
  31. Q: Why do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day? A: Because they’re scent-imental.
  32. Q: Why did the Valentine get arrested? A: For stealing someone’s heart.
  33. Q: Why didn’t the scarecrow want to go to the Valentine’s Day dance? A: His heart wasn’t in it.
  34. Q: Who wrote the best love songs in the 60’s? A: Heart Garfunkel
  35. Q: What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus? A: Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?
  36. Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day? A: Forget-me-nuts.
  37. Q: What did the girl cat say to the boy cat on Valentine’s Day? A: You’re purrr-fect for me.
  38. Q: What did the rabbit say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? A: Somebunny loves you.
  39. Q: Why didn’t the scarecrow want to go to the Valentine’s Day dance? A: His heart wasn’t in it.
  40. Q: What did the circle say to the triangle on Valentine’s Day? A: I think you’re acute.
  41. Q: Why did they put the boy’s girlfriend in jail? A: Because she stole his heart.
  42. Q: What did the whale say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? A: Whale you be mine?
  43. Q. What did one volcano say to the other on Valentine’s Day? A. I lava you.
  44. Q: What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine’s Day? A: A hug and a quiche.
  45. Q: What do you get when you cross a dog with a valentine card? A: A card that says “I love you drool-ly”
  46. Q: What did the boy bear say to the girl bear on Valentine’s Day? A: I love you beary much.
  47. Q: What did the painter say to his girlfriend? A: “I love you with all my art.”
  48. Q: What did the boy sheep say to the girl sheep on Valentine’s Day? A: I love ewe.
  49. Q: What does someone who loves their car do on February 14? A: They give it a valenshine.
  50. Q: What did the boy bee say to the girl bee on Valentine’s Day? A: You are bee-utiful.
  51. Q: Why do Valentines have hearts on them? A: Because gall bladders would look pretty yucky.
  52. Q: What did the pencil say to the paper? A: I dot my i’s on you.
  53. Q: What did the girl sheep say to the boy sheep on Valentine’s Day? A: I love you baaaaaaack.
  54. Q: What did the boy owl say to the girl owl on Valentine’s Day? A: Owl be yours.
  55. Q: What did the boy cat say to the girl cat on Valentine’s Day? A: You’re purr-fect for me.
  56. Q: What did the bat say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? A: Lets hang out.
  57. Q: Did you hear about the man who promised his girlfriend a diamond for Valentine’s Day? A: He took her to a baseball park.
  58. Q: What did the elephant say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? A: I love you a ton.
  59. Q: What did the boy sheep say to the girl sheep on Valentine’s Day? A: You’re not so baaaa-d.
  60. Q: What is the most romantic city in England? A: Loverpool.
  61. Q: Why is Valentine’s Day a great day for a party? A: Because you can party hearty.
  62. Q: What did the pickle say to his Valentine? A: You mean a great dill to me.
  63. Q: What happened when the two angels got married? A: They lived harpily ever after.
  64. Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine’s Day? A: I’m stuck on you.
  65. Q: What’s the best part about Valentines Day? A: The next day when all the chocolate goes on sale.
  66. Q: What does a carpet salesman give his wife for Valentine’s Day? A: Rugs and kisses.
  67. Q: What is a ram’s favorite song on February 14th? A: I only have eyes for ewe, dear.
  68. Q: What do you get when you kiss a dragon on Valentine’s Day? A: Third degree burns on your lips.
  69. Q: What did the vampire call his sweetheart? A: His ghoul-friend.
  70. Q: What happened when the two tennis players met? A: It was lob at first sight.
  71. Q: What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? A: Be my Valenstein.
  72. Q: What did one piece of string say to the other on February 14th? A: “Be my valentwine.”
  73. Q: What did the ghost say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? A: By my valenslime
  74. Q: What did one calculator say to the other on Valentine’s Day? A: “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.”
  75. Q: What do farmers give their wives on Valentine’s Day? A: Lots of hogs and kisses.
  76. Q: What did one door bell say to the other on February 14th? A: “Be my valenchime.”
  77. Q: What did the bat say to his girlfriend? A: “You’re fun to hang around with.”
  78. Q: Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable? A: Because it’s got heart.
  79. Q: Why did the boy put candy under his pillow? A: Because he wanted sweet dreams.
  80. Q: What did the whipped cream say to the ice cream on Valentine’s Day? A: I’m sweet on you.
  81. Q: What kind of flowers do you never give on Valentine’s Day? A: Cauliflowers.
  82. Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day? A: Forget-me-nuts.
  83. Q: Did you hear about the blind porcupine? A: He fell in love with a pin cushion.
  84. Q: What did the drum say to the other drum on Valentine’s Day? A: My heart beats for you.
  85. Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune? A: Because it couldn’t get a date.
  86. Q: What did the valentines day card say to the stamp? A: Stick with me and you’ll go places
  87. Q: Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy? A: It was Valenswine’s Day.
  88. Q: What did the drum say to the other drum on Valentine’s Day? A: My heart beats for you.
  89. Q: What do you call a very small Valentine? A: A valentiny.
  90. Q: What did the calculator say to the pencil on Valentine’s Day? A: You can always count on me.
  91. Q: What did the pickle say to the other pickle on Vale nine’s Day? A: You mean a great dill to me.
  92. Q: Why did the man send his wife’s Valentine through twitter? A: Because she is his tweetheart.
  93. Q: What Valentine’s Day candy is only for girls? A: HER-SHE’s Kisses.
  94. Q: What kind of Valentine’s Day candy is never on time? A: ChocoLATE
  95. Q: What did Pilgrims give each other on Valentine’s Day? A: Mayflowers
  96. Q: What did one snake say to the other snake? A: Give me a little hug and a hiss, honey.
  97. Q: What did cavemen give their wives on Valentine’s Day? A: Lots of ughs and kisses.
  98. Q: What’s the best part of Valentine’s Day? A: The day after when all the chocolate goes on sale.
  99. Q: What did one font say to the other on Valentine’s Day? A: You’re just my type.
  100. Q: What food is crazy about Valentine’s Day chocolates? A: A cocoa-nut.
  101. Q: What was the French cat’s favorite Valentine’s Day dessert? A: Chocolate mousse
  102. Q: What did the light bulb say to the other light bulb on Valentine’s Day? A: I love you a watt.
  103. Q: Why didn’t the skeleton want to send any Valentine’s Day cards? A: His heart wasn’t in it.
  104. Q: What do you call two birds in love? A: Tweethearts.
  105. Q: Why did the boy put clothes on the valentines card he was sending? A: He thought they needed to be ad-dressed.
  106. Q: What did the girl bumble bee say to the boy bumble bee on Valentine’s Day? A: I love bee-ing with you, Honey.
  107. Q: How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend? A: He gave her a ring.
  108. Q: What did the girl squirrel say to the boy squirrel on Valentine’s Day? A: I’m nuts about you.
  109. Q: Which animal shares the most love? A: A heartvaark
  110. Q: What did the sheep say to the other on February 14th? A: Wool you be my valentine.
  111. Q: Who did the man send a Valentine to through twitter? A: His tweetheart.
  112. Q: What did the drum say to the other drum on Valentine’s Day? A: My heart beats for you.
  113. Q: Why didn’t the skeleton want to send any Valentine’s Day cards? A: His heart wasn’t in it.
  114. Q: Where do hamburgers take their sweethearts on Valentine’s Day to dance? A: To the meatball.
  115. Q: What did the seamstress say to express her love? A: You’re sew special to me.
  116. Q: What did the blueberry say to his wife on Valentine’s Day? A: I love you berry much.
  117. Q: What did the Valentine’s Day card say to the stamp? A: Stick with me and you’ll go places.
  118. Q: Why do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day? A: Because they’re scent-imental.
  119. Q: Why did the Valentine get arrested? A: For stealing someone’s heart.
  120. Q: Why didn’t the scarecrow want to go to the Valentine’s Day dance? A: His heart wasn’t in it.
  121. Q: Who wrote the best love songs in the 60’s? A: Heart Garfunkel
  122. Q: What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus? A: Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?
  123. Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day? A: Forget-me-nuts.
  124. Q: What did the girl cat say to the boy cat on Valentine’s Day? A: You’re purrr-fect for me.
  125. Q: What did the rabbit say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? A: Somebunny loves you.
  126. Q: Why didn’t the scarecrow want to go to the Valentine’s Day dance? A: His heart wasn’t in it.
  127. Q: What did the circle say to the triangle on Valentine’s Day? A: I think you’re acute.
  128. Q: Why did they put the boy’s girlfriend in jail? A: Because she stole his heart.
  129. Q: What did the whale say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? A: Whale you be mine?
  130. Q. What did one volcano say to the other on Valentine’s Day? A. I lava you.
  131. Q: What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine’s Day? A: A hug and a quiche.
  132. Q: What do you get when you cross a dog with a valentine card? A: A card that says “I love you drool-ly”
  133. Q: What did the boy bear say to the girl bear on Valentine’s Day? A: I love you beary much.
  134. Q: What did the painter say to his girlfriend? A: “I love you with all my art.”
  135. Q: What did the boy sheep say to the girl sheep on Valentine’s Day? A: I love ewe.
  136. Q: What does someone who loves their car do on February 14? A: They give it a valenshine.
  137. Q: What did the boy bee say to the girl bee on Valentine’s Day? A: You are bee-utiful.
  138. Q: Why do Valentines have hearts on them? A: Because gall bladders would look pretty yucky.
  139. Q: What did the pencil say to the paper? A: I dot my i’s on you.
  140. Q: What did the girl sheep say to the boy sheep on Valentine’s Day? A: I love you baaaaaaack.
  141. Q: What did the boy owl say to the girl owl on Valentine’s Day? A: Owl be yours.
  142. Q: What did the boy cat say to the girl cat on Valentine’s Day? A: You’re purr-fect for me.
  143. Q: What did the bat say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? A: Lets hang out.
  144. Q: Did you hear about the man who promised his girlfriend a diamond for Valentine’s Day? A: He took her to a baseball park.
  145. Q: What did the elephant say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? A: I love you a ton.
  146. Q: What did the boy sheep say to the girl sheep on Valentine’s Day? A: You’re not so baaaa-d.
  147. Q: What is the most romantic city in England? A: Loverpool.
  148. Q: Why is Valentine’s Day a great day for a party? A: Because you can party hearty.
  149. Q: What did the pickle say to his Valentine? A: You mean a great dill to me.
  150. Q: What happened when the two angels got married? A: They lived harpily ever after.
  151. Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine’s Day? A: I’m stuck on you.
  152. Q: What’s the best part about Valentines Day? A: The next day when all the chocolate goes on sale.
  153. Q: What does a carpet salesman give his wife for Valentine’s Day? A: Rugs and kisses.
  154. Q: What is a ram’s favorite song on February 14th? A: I only have eyes for ewe, dear.
  155. Q: What do you get when you kiss a dragon on Valentine’s Day? A: Third degree burns on your lips.
  156. Q: What did the vampire call his sweetheart? A: His ghoul-friend.
  157. Q: What happened when the two tennis players met? A: It was lob at first sight.
  158. Q: What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? A: Be my Valenstein.
  159. Q: What did one piece of string say to the other on February 14th? A: “Be my valentwine.”
  160. Q: What did the ghost say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? A: By my valenslime
  161. Q: What did one calculator say to the other on Valentine’s Day? A: “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.”
  162. Q: What do farmers give their wives on Valentine’s Day? A: Lots of hogs and kisses.
  163. Q: What did one door bell say to the other on February 14th? A: “Be my valenchime.”
  164. Q: What did the bat say to his girlfriend? A: “You’re fun to hang around with.”
  165. Q: Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable? A: Because it’s got heart.
  166. Q: Why did the boy put candy under his pillow? A: Because he wanted sweet dreams.
  167. Q: What did the whipped cream say to the ice cream on Valentine’s Day? A: I’m sweet on you.
  168. Q: What kind of flowers do you never give on Valentine’s Day? A: Cauliflowers.
  169. Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day? A: Forget-me-nuts.
  170. Q: Did you hear about the blind porcupine? A: He fell in love with a pin cushion.
  171. Q: What did the drum say to the other drum on Valentine’s Day? A: My heart beats for you.
  172. Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune? A: Because it couldn’t get a date.
  173. Q: What did the valentines day card say to the stamp? A: Stick with me and you’ll go places
  174. Q: Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy? A: It was Valenswine’s Day.

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I want to create a VR girl/boyfriend simulator for those alone on Valentines Day...

I shall call it, E-Bae

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I just had a breakup for being honest

GF: You know to day is Valentines Day right?

ME: mmm...yeah, so?

GF: Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous.

ME: Well, that explains why they've received flowers doesn't it?

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What are the most funny Valentines jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Valentines? Well, here are the best Valentines dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Valentines pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes