valentines day Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious valentines day puns

My wife just called me and said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous!"

I repied, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."

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If any of you are sad about being alone on valentines day, just remember...

that nobody loves you on any other day of the year, and valentine's day shouldn't be any different.

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My wife just called me.

She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous."

I said, "Well that's probably why they've received flowers then."

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My wife said she wanted to feel special this Valentines Day.

So I bought her a helmet and some crayons.

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For a moment, i had a different opinion on 'Chinese girls'

This Valentines day, I asked a Chinese girl for her number.
She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free Sex tonight!"
I said, "Wow!"
Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

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I have a tip for all you lonely ladies on valentine's day..

Or you can just take the whole thing.

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For Valentine's Day I made a chart of past relationships....

It has an ex-axis and a why-axis.

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My boyfriend is getting me a dildo cast from his own penis for Valentine's day...

We're only doing small gifts this year.

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If Valentine's Day is for couples, what day is for single men?

Palm Sunday.

First time posting, please be gentle.

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What's the difference between you and a calendar?

A calendar has a date for Valentine's Day.

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My wife told me "For Valentine's Day, nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace"

So I got her nothing.

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Something on Valentines Day I just don't get...

Laid.

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Valentine's day

Mothers have mothers day, father's have father's day, couples have valentine's day and I have palm sunday

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My wife called me on Valentine's Day

She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous."

I said, "Well that's probably why they've received flowers then."

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My wife asked me for a divorce for Valentine's Day

I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.

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It's still Valentines day for another hour..

Roses are red
Violets are blue
No, they are violet
FTFY

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The Meaning of dreams

One morning, after she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?" "Maybe you'll find out tonight…," he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled:"The Meaning of Dreams."

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I already got a date this valentine's day. Her name is Emma,

Emma Gination.

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I have my entire Valentine's day planned with my toaster!

Okay, so first, we're going to take a bath.

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Rich friend and a poor friend meet a day before Valentine's Day

Poor man asks - What did you buy for your wife for valentines?

Rich man - A Mercedes C class and a diamond necklace

Poor man - why a necklace ?

Rich man - so if she doesn't like the car she can return it and keep the necklace, what did you get for yours ?

Poor man - a pair of slippers and a dildo

Rich man - why a dildo?

Poor man - so if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.

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I bought my girlfriend a pink vibrator for valentines day.

She told me as long as she has me she won't need it. I told her "actually that's what I'm here to talk about"

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Girl, if your beauty was represented in stocks, I'd invest everything...

Because you're at an all-time low.

(Use it to seal the deal on Valentine's Day)

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Love

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".

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I hope you don't get your period on Valentine's Day.

It's going to be a pain in the ass.

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I bought my wife a new puppy for Valentine's Day! She's such a beautiful dog! Unfortunately, I forgot my wife is allergic to dogs... so I have to find her a new home. Can anybody help me out?

She's 5'5", 125lbs, and blonde. Free to good home.

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I bought my girlfriend a fridge for valentine's day..

A bit of an unconventional present, I know!



But you should have seen her face light up when she opened it.

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Wife on Valentine's day...

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!

The husband, typically unromantic, replied,


"I am in the toilet. Please advise.."

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This is the first time I didn't get a Valentine's day card from my secret admirer in 20 years;

First my grandma died and now this;

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What do fat women get for Valentine's day?

Depressed

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For valentine's day, I got a new car for my wife

I thought that was an awesome trade

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My missus asked me where her Valentine's day card was.

I said, "Sorry, I had a headache."

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To those who are sad because nobody loves them at Valentine's Day, worry not...

...nobody loves you on any of the other days of the year either.

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(My only Valentines day related joke) If the Swan symbolizes happiness, what bird symbolizes true love?

The Swallow.

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At the post office....

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

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It must suck to have your period on valentines day

But an even bigger pain in the ass.

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What are the most funny Valentines Day jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Valentines Day? Well, here are the best Valentines Day dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Valentines Day pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes