The Best 58 Valentines Day Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Valentines Day jokes. There are some valentines day chocolate jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these valentines day expectations puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Valentines Day Jokes and Puns

For valentine's day, I got a new car for my wife

I thought that was an awesome trade

If I worked in a restaurant....

on Valentines Day I'd put a fake engagement ring in every girl's drink.

The Meaning of dreams

One morning, after she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?" "Maybe you'll find out tonight…," he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled:"The Meaning of Dreams."

Valentines Day joke, The Meaning of dreams

What do fat women get for Valentine's day?

Depressed

A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day

A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day. She is placing her items on the belt: a TV dinner, a soap opera digest, 3 bottles of wine, and 3 chocolate bars.

The clerk looks and her and says "I hate Valentines Day...what about you, you must be single right?"

"Yeah" she responds, "how did you know? Was it the stuff I'm buying?"

"Nah, you're ugly"


Something on Valentines Day I just don't get...

Laid.

I have a tip for all you lonely ladies on valentine's day..

Or you can just take the whole thing.

Valentines Day joke, I have a tip for all you lonely ladies on valentine's day..

It's still Valentines day for another hour..

Roses are red
Violets are blue
No, they are violet
FTFY

How do single people honor valentine's day?

By Celibating!

My missus asked me where her Valentine's day card was.

I said, "Sorry, I had a headache."

Girl, if your beauty was represented in stocks, I'd invest everything...

Because you're at an all-time low.

(Use it to seal the deal on Valentine's Day)

You can explore valentines day cupid reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean valentines day gifts dad jokes. There are also valentines day puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Single? Give your sexual partner a Valentine's Day treat by having a manicure.

To those who are sad because nobody loves them at Valentine's Day, worry not...

...nobody loves you on any of the other days of the year either.

What's the difference between you and a calendar?

A calendar has a date for Valentine's Day.

Valentine's day

Mothers have mothers day, father's have father's day, couples have valentine's day and I have palm sunday

For a moment, i had a different opinion on 'Chinese girls'

This Valentines day, I asked a Chinese girl for her number.
She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free Sex tonight!"
I said, "Wow!"
Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

Valentines Day joke, For a moment, i had a different opinion on 'Chinese girls'

girl answer when boy ask about valentines

Boy: Do you have a date for Valentine's Day?

Girl: Yes, February 14th.

I have my entire Valentine's day planned with my toaster!

Okay, so first, we're going to take a bath.

How do you kiss a girl on valentines day?

You use tulips.


I bought my wife a new puppy for Valentine's Day! She's such a beautiful dog! Unfortunately, I forgot my wife is allergic to dogs... so I have to find her a new home. Can anybody help me out?

She's 5'5", 125lbs, and blonde. Free to good home.

Every time I have sex with my girlfriend I put a dollar in a jar.

On Valentine's Day I use what I saved to buy a gift for her.

If Valentine's Day is for couples, what day is for single men?

Palm Sunday.

First time posting, please be gentle.

At the post office....

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she said 'treat me like a princess!'

I'm having her killed in a traffic accident in Paris.

I already got a date this valentine's day. Her name is Emma,

Emma Gination.

My wife said she wanted to feel special this Valentines Day.

So I bought her a helmet and some crayons.

If any of you are sad about being alone on valentines day, just remember...

that nobody loves you on any other day of the year, and valentine's day shouldn't be any different.

My wife told me "For Valentine's Day, nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace"

So I got her nothing.

Me and girlfriend don't usually do anything for valentines day, thought I'd surprise her so I booked a table for us, she was so excited when I told her

Never realised she liked snooker so much.

I wanted to go out for Valentine's day, but my relationship is complex

I'm real, she's imaginary.

I bought my girlfriend a fridge for valentine's day..

A bit of an unconventional present, I know!

But you should have seen her face light up when she opened it.

Happy Valentine's Day

Restaurant offers 25% discount for men who show up with their wife, 20% discount for men who show up with their girlfriend on Valentine's Day.
It's on the house for anyone who show up with both.

This is the first time I didn't get a Valentine's day card from my secret admirer in 20 years;

First my grandma died and now this;

Why is it hard for Liam Neeson to enjoy Valentine's Day?

Because all the girls are taken

For Valentine's Day I made a chart of past relationships....

It has an ex-axis and a why-axis.

My wife asked me for a divorce for Valentine's Day

I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.

My wife just called me and said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous!"

I repied, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."

If the Swan symbolizes happiness, what bird symbolizes true love?

The Swallow.

I bought my girlfriend a pink vibrator for valentines day.

She told me as long as she has me she won't need it. I told her "actually that's what I'm here to talk about"

Every year for Valentine's Day I used to always get a card from a secret admirer. This is the first year where I haven't received anything.

First my granny dies, now this?

Do you know why there are fewer 'all men are trash' posts now?

Valentine's Day is coming

My milk expires next thursday

That means my milk has a date on Valentines Day, and I still don't.

If you are not in love on Valentine's Day, don't worry.

You don't have to be dead on Halloween, either.

I used to open so many cards on Valentines Day.

Eventually the post office fired me for it.

A brunette gets a bouquet of flowers for valentines day.

The other office women are admiring the flowers as they are delivered to her.

She then smirks and says to the crowd of women gathered around "I guess this means I will be spending the night with my legs in the air."

The blonde then says "Don't you have a vase?"

I received a bunch of flowers for valentines day, with the heads cut off

I think I was being stalked

A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.

He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope.

The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more cards there," the bartender says. "I've got to admit I'm curious what you're doing."

"Oh, every year at Valentine's Day I send out 500 cards, each one signed 'Guess Who?'" the guy says.

"But why?" the bartender asks.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the guy replies.

Two old men are sitting in the lounge chatting.

The one says, You should try the restaurant my wife and I went to last night. Pricey but well worth the money.

Oh, what's it called? asks the other man enthusiastically.

His friend thinks for a minute, Uhm…I…er…

Obviously having a senior moment he says, What's that flower, you know, war named after it, given out on Valentine's day?

The other man says, You mean the rose?

His friend lets out a gleeful, Yes! That's it, a rose!

He then turns in the chair and calls to his wife, Rose! What's the name of that place we ate at last night?

Two old men are sitting in the lounge chatting.

The one says, You should try the restaurant my wife and I went to last night. Pricey but well worth the money.



Oh, what's it called? asks the other man enthusiastically.



His friend thinks for a minute, Uhm…I…er…



Obviously having a senior moment he says, What's that flower, you know, war named after it, given out on Valentine's day?



The other man says, You mean the rose?



His friend lets out a gleeful, Yes! That's it, a rose!



He then turns in the chair and calls to his wife, Rose! What's the name of that place we ate at last night?

I always get Halloween and Valentine's Day confused.

They're both about candy and being something you're not.

Chinese New Year, Mardi Gras and Valentines Day are too close...

I don’t know what to paint on my nails.

My missus asked me if I'd planned something special for Valentine's day. "I'm working on it" I said. She smiled happily,

which is weird because I thought she'd be well cheesed off because I was having to work.

My wife told me not to get her anything for Valentine's day and I didn't ....

..... and she's so proud of me, she's taking me out for a walk in the woods. Don't know what the pistol and the shovel are for though.

Can any redditor change a lightbulb on Valentine's Day?

Yes, since it needs only a single one to do it.

What does Fiona let Shrek do on Valentine's Day?

Smash Mouth

My girlfriend gave me a Valentine's Day card

Silly girl disguised it as a restraining order

Had me a Barack Obama valentines day.

Obama self.

This Valentine's Day

I took my wife to a dark, romantic, and very loud restaurant so no one can see or hear us fight.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the valentines day chocolatier jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working valentines day sweets piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes