Valentines Day Jokes
140 valentines day jokes and hilarious valentines day puns to laugh out loud. Read holiday jokes about valentines day that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Valentines Day Short Jokes
Short valentines day jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The valentines day humour may include short valentine day jokes also.
- For Valentine's Day, my wife finally fulfilled a fantasy of mine when dressed up as a nurse. At last, I got to roleplay having access to healthcare.
- If any of you are sad about being alone on valentines day, just remember... that nobody loves you on any other day of the year, and valentine's day shouldn't be any different.
- Every year for Valentine's Day I used to always get a card from a secret admirer. This is the first year where I haven't received anything. First my granny dies, now this?
- My wife said she wanted to feel special this Valentines Day. So I bought her a helmet and some crayons.
- I have a tip for all you lonely ladies on valentine's day.. Or you can just take the whole thing.
- For Valentine's Day I made a chart of past relationships.... It has an ex-axis and a why-axis.
- If Valentine's Day is for couples, what day is for single men? Palm Sunday.
First time posting, please be gentle. - Yesterday, for Valentine's Day, I got my girlfriend some new beads for her abacus 🧮... It's the little things that count.
- Chinese New Year, Mardi Gras and Valentines Day are too close... I don’t know what to paint on my nails.
- I always get Halloween and Valentine's Day confused. They're both about candy and being something you're not.
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Valentines Day One Liners
Which valentines day one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with valentines day? I can suggest the ones about happy valentines day and happy valentines.
- Something on Valentines Day I just don't get... Laid.
- Bought my wife a new belt and bag for Valentines day, The vacuum works just fine now.
- I already got a date this valentine's day. Her name is Emma, Emma Gination.
- For valentine's day, I got a new car for my wife I thought that was an awesome trade
- What do fat women get for Valentine's day? Depressed
- My missus asked me where her Valentine's day card was. I said, "Sorry, I had a headache."
- Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day. It's February 14th.
- How do single people honor valentine's day? By Celibating!
- Do you know why there are fewer 'all men are trash' posts now? Valentine's Day is coming
- Why is it hard for Liam Neeson to enjoy Valentine's Day? Because all the girls are taken
- I have a date for Valentine's Day! February 14th
- What does a Cyclops’ Valentine’s Day card say? Eye love you.
- Do you have a date for Valentine's Day? Yes February 14th.
- Roses are gray. Violets are gray. I'm a dog.
Happy Valentine's Day! - What do you say to your single friends on Valentine's Day? Happy Independence Day!
Valentines Day Card Jokes
Here is a list of funny valentines day card jokes and even better valentines day card puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I used to open so many cards on Valentines Day. Eventually the post office fired me for it.
- This is the first time I didn't get a Valentine's day card from my secret admirer in 20 years; First my grandma died and now this;
- The amount of Valentine's day cards I got this year has left me breathless. Turns out the card shop has a security guard and he gives a good chase.
- What does a sheep’s Valentine’s Day card say? I love ewe.
- My girlfriend gave me a Valentine's Day card Silly girl disguised it as a restraining order
- For the last twenty years, I've received a Valentine's Day card from the same secret admirer... So I was upset when I didn't get one this year. First my gran dies, now this?
- Last Valentine's day I recieved so many cards from my girlfriends that I couldn't open the front door... Because my wife had the locks changed
- "My brother was telling me he received a Valentines day card today" "Awe, he must've been thrilled. "
"No, not really, it was from his cell mate. " - Anybody know where I can get a Game of Thrones Valentine's day card? It's for my sister.
- I was looking for the perfect Valentine's Day card when something caught my eye. One of the cards said "I love you and only you" I know this doesn't sound strange but it was a pack of 20 cards
Happy Valentines Day Jokes
Here is a list of funny happy valentines day jokes and even better happy valentines day puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- It's Feb. 14th. Happy Valentine's Day to all those in love and happy Monday to all those who are married.
- Happy Valentine's Day everyone! I just want to say a big thank you to my hand for always being by my side!!
- To all you beautiful girls, Happy Valentine's Day! To all your fat girls, chin up, it's pancake day next week!
- Happy Valentine's day! Do you know what the word of the day is? Legs!.....Should we go back to my place and spread the word?
- They told me to keep it in my pants... But it was too hard.
Happy Valentine's Day folks! - Valentines day is here.... But i have nothing to be happy about ... things are so bad even my fantasies wanna be just friends.
- A boyfriend says to his girlfriend, "Baby, you're kind of like Charles Barkley..." "...You've been on the team for so long and you're still not getting a ring! Happy Valentines day!"
- Funny Valentines Day Card What did one tower say to the other on 9/11?
I'm falling for you..
Happy valentines day - Valentine's Day card idea: I'm like good sushi... You can eat me raw.
Happy Valentine's Day! - Very happy man for Valentines Day!
Valentines Day Single Jokes
Here is a list of funny valentines day single jokes and even better valentines day single puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If Valentine's Day is for lovers.. then Palm Sunday is for the single.
- If couples celebrate Valentine's Day, what do single men celebrate? Palm Sunday.
- If someone who hates Christmas is called a Grinch... what do you call someone who hates Valentine's Day?
Single. - Can any redditor change a lightbulb on Valentine's Day? Yes, since it needs only a single one to do it.
- What do single people call Valentine's Day? Independence Day
- If guys in relationships celebrate Valentines's Day, what do single guys celebrate? Palm Sunday.
- How do you know if someone is single on Valentine's Day? Don't worry they'll tell you
- What song do singles listen to on both Halloween and Valentine's day? "Beat It" by Michael Jackson
- So today is Valentine's Day..... But if you are single it is taco Tuesday
- My married friend told me, a single guy, to not worry about not getting any action on Valentine's Day Because married guys aren't getting anything either.
Comical & Quirky Valentines Day Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about valentines day you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean v day jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make valentines day pranks.
If I worked in a restaurant....
on Valentines Day I'd put a fake engagement ring in every girl's drink.
The Meaning of dreams
One morning, after she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?" "Maybe you'll find out tonight…," he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled:"The Meaning of Dreams."
A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day
A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day. She is placing her items on the belt: a TV dinner, a soap opera digest, 3 bottles of wine, and 3 chocolate bars.
The clerk looks and her and says "I hate Valentines Day...what about you, you must be single right?"
"Yeah" she responds, "how did you know? Was it the stuff I'm buying?"
"Nah, you're ugly"
It's still Valentines day for another hour..
Roses are red
Violets are blue
No, they are violet
FTFY
Girl, if your beauty was represented in stocks, I'd invest everything...
Because you're at an all-time low.
(Use it to seal the deal on Valentine's Day)
Single? Give your s**... partner a Valentine's Day treat by having a manicure.
To those who are sad because nobody loves them at Valentine's Day, worry not...
...nobody loves you on any of the other days of the year either.
What did the french chef give his wife on Valentine's day?
A hug and a little quiche.
What's the difference between you and a calendar?
A calendar has a date for Valentine's Day.
Valentine's day
Mothers have mothers day, father's have father's day, couples have valentine's day and I have palm sunday
For a moment, i had a different opinion on 'Chinese girls'
This Valentines day, I asked a Chinese girl for her number.
She said, "s**...! s**...! s**...! Free s**... tonight!"
I said, "Wow!"
Then her friend said, "She means 6**...-3629."
girl answer when boy ask about valentines
Boy: Do you have a date for Valentine's Day?
Girl: Yes, February 14th.
I have my entire Valentine's day planned with my toaster!
Okay, so first, we're going to take a bath.
How do you kiss a g**... valentines day?
You use tulips.
I bought my wife a new puppy for Valentine's Day! She's such a beautiful dog! Unfortunately, I forgot my wife is allergic to dogs... so I have to find her a new home. Can anybody help me out?
She's 5'5", 125lbs, and blonde. Free to good home.
Every time I have s**... with my girlfriend I put a dollar in a jar.
On Valentine's Day I use what I saved to buy a gift for her.
At the post office....
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
If you're worried about not getting a New Year's Eve kiss this year, just remember
Valentine's Day is coming up and you're probably going to be alone for that, too.
Roses are red, violets are blue. If he's busy on Valentines Day...
...the side chick is you.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she said 'treat me like a princess!'
I'm having her killed in a traffic accident in Paris.
Valentine's Day Gift
A young lady was caught napping one afternoon on Valentine's Day. She woke up when she heard the doorbell.
"I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day," she said to her boyfriend. "What do you think it means?"
"You'll know for sure tonight," he replied.
That evening, the young man arrived with a small package and gave it to his girlfriend. Delighted, she opened it and found a book entitled "The meaning of dreams."
For Valentine's Day, me and the girlfriend are just gonna stay in and watch a movie.
Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?
My wife told me "For Valentine's Day, nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace"
So I got her nothing.
Me and girlfriend don't usually do anything for valentines day, thought I'd surprise her so I booked a table for us, she was so excited when I told her
Never realised she liked snooker so much.
I wanted to go out for Valentine's day, but my relationship is complex
I'm real, she's imaginary.
I bought my girlfriend a fridge for valentine's day..
A bit of an unconventional present, I know!
But you should have seen her face light up when she opened it.
Happy Valentine's Day
Restaurant offers 25% discount for men who show up with their wife, 20% discount for men who show up with their girlfriend on Valentine's Day.
It's on the house for anyone who show up with both.
My girlfriend said make me feel special for Valentine's day
so I bought her a wheelchair
Two women are having lunch on Valentine's Day
One says to the other "Do you and your husband have any romantic plans for tonight?"
The second scoffs "Oh, please. These days, he just buys me a half-dozen roses, and expects me to get on my back and spread my legs."
The first looks confused "Don't you have a vase you could put them in?"
My wife asked me for a divorce for Valentine's Day
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
My wife just called me and said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous!"
I repied, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."
I bought a lottery ticket on the way home on Valentine's Day...
...at least now I have a chance of getting lucky.
If the swan symbolizes happiness, what bird symbolizes true love?
The s**....
My secret admirer who sent me love letters every Valentine's day didn't send me anything this time
First my grandmother dies, now this?
My favorite restaurant
I went to my favorite restaurant on valentines day and it was full. There was no place to sit and the wait was over an hour.
I took out my phone, placed it to my ear, and said loudly, "Hey, get over here! She's here with someone else!"
Three couples got up and quickly left.
For those without a date for Valentines Day...
I have one for you!
It's February 14th.
You're welcome! Enjoy it!
Reasons I'm looking forward to Valentine's Day this year
1. It's pay day
My milk expires next thursday
That means my milk has a date on Valentines Day, and I still don't.
If you are not in love on Valentine's Day, don't worry.
You don't have to be dead on Halloween, either.
Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife's face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.
You know the worst part about being a gay guy Valentine's Day?
All the guys on Grindr are out with their wives.
A brunette gets a bouquet of flowers for valentines day.
The other office women are admiring the flowers as they are delivered to her.
She then smirks and says to the crowd of women gathered around "I guess this means I will be spending the night with my legs in the air."
The blonde then says "Don't you have a vase?"
Bought my wife a matching bag and belt for Valentine's Day.
She should be able to fix the vacuum cleaner and get it running now.
Had a great Valentine's Day! Almost had a t**...!
Just needed two more people!
.
Good^day^for^#369?
I spent Valentine's Day the old fashioned way
Running around in a diaper shooting arrows at people
I received a bunch of flowers for valentines day, with the heads cut off
I think I was being stalked
A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.
He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope.
The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more cards there," the bartender says. "I've got to admit I'm curious what you're doing."
"Oh, every year at Valentine's Day I send out 500 cards, each one signed 'Guess Who?'" the guy says.
"But why?" the bartender asks.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the guy replies.
Two old men are sitting in the lounge chatting.
The one says, You should try the restaurant my wife and I went to last night. Pricey but well worth the money.
Oh, what's it called? asks the other man enthusiastically.
His friend thinks for a minute, Uhm…I…er…
Obviously having a senior moment he says, What's that flower, you know, war named after it, given out on Valentine's day?
The other man says, You mean the rose?
His friend lets out a gleeful, Yes! That's it, a rose!
He then turns in the chair and calls to his wife, Rose! What's the name of that place we ate at last night?
Two old men are sitting in the lounge chatting.
The one says, You should try the restaurant my wife and I went to last night. Pricey but well worth the money.
Oh, what's it called? asks the other man enthusiastically.
His friend thinks for a minute, Uhm…I…er…
Obviously having a senior moment he says, What's that flower, you know, war named after it, given out on Valentine's day?
The other man says, You mean the rose?
His friend lets out a gleeful, Yes! That's it, a rose!
He then turns in the chair and calls to his wife, Rose! What's the name of that place we ate at last night?
Mothers have Mother's Day, fathers have father's Day, couples have valentine's Day
And I have palm Sunday.
My missus asked me if I'd planned something special for Valentine's day. "I'm working on it" I said. She smiled happily,
which is weird because I thought she'd be well cheesed off because I was having to work.
"Do you have a date for Valentines Day?"
I said, "Yep!! It's February 14th."
A guy walks into a bar on Valentine's Day and orders a beer.
A guy walks into a bar on Valentine's Day and orders a beer. "Last night my wife woke me up to tell me that she dreamed that I bought her a big, expensive diamond ring for Valentine's Day, and she wondered if that dream meant anything." "What did you tell her?" the bartender asks. "I gave her a passionate kiss and told her she would find out tonight," the guy laughs as he pulls out a small, exquisitely wrapped package. "I got her a book, 'The Meaning of Dreams.'"
My wife told me not to get her anything for Valentine's day and I didn't ....
..... and she's so proud of me, she's taking me out for a walk in the woods. Don't know what the p**... and the shovel are for though.
Valentines Day is on Monday
Funerals usually take place on Saturday and Sunday. After the burial the flowers will still be fresh. What you do with this information is up to you.
There's s**... without love, and there's love without s**....
And there's us, without either.
Happy Valentine's Day.
How to make money off Valentine's Day
A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer. He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope. The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more cards there," the bartender says. "I've got to admit I'm curious what you're doing." "Oh, every year at Valentine's Day I send out 500 cards, each one signed 'Guess Who?'" the guy says. "But why?" the bartender asks. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the guy replies.