Valentines Day Jokes

Following is our collection of cupid puns and chocolate one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Valentines Day jokes for adults, dirty gifts jokes and clean expectations dad gags for kids.

The Best Valentines Day Puns

My wife just called me and said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous!"

I repied, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."

If any of you are sad about being alone on valentines day, just remember...

that nobody loves you on any other day of the year, and valentine's day shouldn't be any different.

My wife said she wanted to feel special this Valentines Day.

So I bought her a helmet and some crayons.

For a moment, i had a different opinion on 'Chinese girls'

This Valentines day, I asked a Chinese girl for her number.
She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free Sex tonight!"
I said, "Wow!"
Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

Something on Valentines Day I just don't get...


I used to open so many cards on Valentines Day.

Eventually the post office fired me for it.

It's still Valentines day for another hour..

Roses are red
Violets are blue
No, they are violet

I bought my girlfriend a pink vibrator for valentines day.

She told me as long as she has me she won't need it. I told her "actually that's what I'm here to talk about"

(My only Valentines day related joke) If the Swan symbolizes happiness, what bird symbolizes true love?

The Swallow.

How do you kiss a girl on valentines day?

You use tulips.

A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day

A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day. She is placing her items on the belt: a TV dinner, a soap opera digest, 3 bottles of wine, and 3 chocolate bars.

The clerk looks and her and says "I hate Valentines Day...what about you, you must be single right?"

"Yeah" she responds, "how did you know? Was it the stuff I'm buying?"

"Nah, you're ugly"

A brunette gets a bouquet of flowers for valentines day.

The other office women are admiring the flowers as they are delivered to her.

She then smirks and says to the crowd of women gathered around "I guess this means I will be spending the night with my legs in the air."

The blonde then says "Don't you have a vase?"

Me and girlfriend don't usually do anything for valentines day, thought I'd surprise her so I booked a table for us, she was so excited when I told her

Never realised she liked snooker so much.

My milk expires next thursday

That means my milk has a date on Valentines Day, and I still don't.

I received a bunch of flowers for valentines day, with the heads cut off

I think I was being stalked

If I worked in a restaurant....

on Valentines Day I'd put a fake engagement ring in every girl's drink.

Roses are red, violets are blue. If he's busy on Valentines Day...

...the side chick is you.

For those without a date for Valentines Day...

I have one for you!

It's February 14th.

You're welcome! Enjoy it!

Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife's face.

By taking down the Christmas tree.

Remember proper protection this valentines day

Ensure your safeword is at least 8 characters long and has a fair mix of uppercase, lowercase and digits

My girlfriend told me that on valentines day she wants to get treated like a princess

So I got her assassinated in a French underpass.

Ill be spending this Valentines day like Han.


This Valentines Day, I want to really surprise my wife.

So I'm gonna introduce her to my girlfriend.

My favorite restaurant

I went to my favorite restaurant on valentines day and it was full. There was no place to sit and the wait was over an hour.

I took out my phone, placed it to my ear, and said loudly, "Hey, get over here! She's here with someone else!"

Three couples got up and quickly left.

Palm Sunday

For Dads ... Fathers Day,
For mothers ... Mothers Day,
For Lovers ... Valentines Day
For Wankers there is Palm Sunday

I'm not doing anything cheesy for my girlfriend on valentines day...

She's lactose intolerant.

I want to create a VR girl/boyfriend simulator for those alone on Valentines Day...

I shall call it, E-Bae

I just had a breakup for being honest

GF: You know to day is Valentines Day right?

ME: mmm...yeah, so?

GF: Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous.

ME: Well, that explains why they've received flowers doesn't it?

what's the worst thing you could get your special someone on valentines day?

a divorce

"My brother was telling me he received a Valentines day card today"

"Awe, he must've been thrilled. "

"No, not really, it was from his cell mate. "

Where did I take my pet Cow on Valentines Day?

To the Moooovies

I'm going to spend Valentines day with my ex

Box one 😭

i want to buy my girlfriend a present within 200$ on valentines day any suggestions?

i also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 200$

This valentines day be sure not to buy flowers from any Monks.

Because only you can prevent florist friars!

A boyfriend says to his girlfriend, "Baby, you're kind of like Charles Barkley..."

"...You've been on the team for so long and you're still not getting a ring! Happy Valentines day!"

Valentines day is here....

But i have nothing to be happy about ... things are so bad even my fantasies wanna be just friends.

An amazing coincidence happens every year in India

14th Feb Valentines day.
9 months later,
14th Nov Children's day.

Oscar Pistorius misunderstood his girlfriend...

when she said: "for Valentines day, can you take me out?"

Why do skunks celebrate valentines day?

Because they are very scentimental.

I made sure I got my wife exactly what she asked for this valentines day.

Hopefully she'll bake something nice with the assortment of flours I bought her.

Tonight on Valentines Day, I'll be spending the night with my ex


Q: What did the valentines day card say to the stamp?
A: Stick with me and you'll go places.

{Need joke help} Valentines/BBQ puns

Sorry if this is the wrong place to post!

I got my SO some fancy BBQ sauces for valentines day and want to replace the labels with funny or valentine's themed names. Id love it if you could help me think of some!

Valentines Day Flowers

Blonde #1: Oh how I hate when he brings me flowers. All night I'll be on my back with my legs in the air.
Blonde #2: Don't you own a vase?

Told my wife that I am taking her to "The Amazing Escape Room" for Valentines day....

...I hope she likes The Best Western!

Some people call today Valentines day..

I call today arm day...then again...same thing I guess.

Nothing is too good for my girlfriend on Valentines day...

I tried to get her nothing, but she was too good for that.

Someone with a girl friend should write this in their Valentines Day card

I was going to buy you a car, but I knew you'd be disappointed if I didn't give you the D.

Rick Ross on Valentines Day

"Shout out to all the pairs"

Funny Valentines Day Card

What did one tower say to the other on 9/11?

I'm falling for you..

Happy valentines day

My wife just told me how much sex is better on Valentines Day

You should have SEEN how nice the postcard was

For Valentines Day I have been contemplating my current and past relationships.

I organized the data and plotted it using an Ex-Axis and a Why-Axis.

Happy Valentines Day!

There is an abundance of chocolatier jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 53 funniest jokes and valentines day puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any sweets witze you can hear about valentines day.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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