Valentine Jokes
87 valentine jokes and hilarious valentine puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about valentine that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Don't let being single on Valentine's Day get you down, enjoy some funny Valentine jokes! With all the hearts, chocolates, and roses floating around on this special day, couples, singles, and everyone in between can all appreciate a good laugh. Celebrate your birthday, Valentine's Day, or any special occasion with these hilarious Valentine jokes.
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Funniest Valentine Short Jokes
Short valentine jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The valentine humour may include short v day jokes also.
- Valentine's.... For the past 10 years I've been getting valentine's card from a secret admirer, so I was pretty upset when I didn't get one this year.
First my gran dies, now this! - For Valentine's Day, my wife finally fulfilled a fantasy of mine when dressed up as a nurse. At last, I got to roleplay having access to healthcare.
- If any of you are sad about being alone on valentines day, just remember... that nobody loves you on any other day of the year, and valentine's day shouldn't be any different.
- My wife said she wanted to feel special this Valentines Day. So I bought her a helmet and some crayons.
- I have a tip for all you lonely ladies on valentine's day.. Or you can just take the whole thing.
- If Valentine's Day is for couples, what day is for single men? Palm Sunday.
First time posting, please be gentle. - (My 8 year old just told me this one) Who is the fish's valentine? His Gil-Friend!
Idc what ya'll say, that was golden! Lol - Chinese New Year, Mardi Gras and valentines day are too close... I don’t know what to paint on my nails.
- I always get Halloween and Valentine's Day confused. They're both about candy and being something you're not.
- A Valentines Poem Roses are red
Violets are blue
whitney houston is dead
and iiiiiiieeeeiiiii will always love yoooouooooou
Share These Valentine Jokes With Friends
Valentine One Liners
Which valentine one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with valentine? I can suggest the ones about cupid and sweetheart.
- I finally got someone to be my valentine! I wish I could post this in any other sub.
- My Valentine is like the square root of -100... A 10, but imaginary
- Something on Valentines Day I just don't get... Laid.
- Bought my wife a new belt and bag for Valentines day, The vacuum works just fine now.
- I already got a date this valentine's day. Her name is Emma, Emma Gination.
- What did the lightbulb say to his Valentine? I love you watts and watts
- My missus asked me where her Valentine's day card was. I said, "Sorry, I had a headache."
- Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day. It's February 14th.
- I have a date for Valentines February the 14th
- How do single people honor valentine's day? By Celibating!
- I have a joke about Valentines Most of you wont get it.
- Why is it hard for Liam Neeson to enjoy Valentine's Day? Because all the girls are taken
- What does a Cyclops’ Valentine’s Day card say? Eye love you.
- Wished my wife a 'Happy Valentine's ay!' I'll give her the D later.
- What do you say to your single friends on Valentine's Day? Happy Independence Day!
Will You Be My Valentine Jokes
Here is a list of funny will you be my valentine jokes and even better will you be my valentine puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My wife told me she wanted a divorce for Valentine's Day I told her I hadn't planned on spending that much.
- What's the difference between you and a calendar? A calendar has a date for Valentine's Day.
- My wife told me "For Valentine's Day, nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace" So I got her nothing.
- Valentine's day Mothers have mothers day, father's have father's day, couples have valentine's day and I have palm sunday
- I used to open so many cards on Valentines Day. Eventually the post office fired me for it.
- It's still Valentines day for another hour.. Roses are red
Violets are blue
No, they are violet
FTFY - What did barack obama write inside his Valentines card? "I'm glad I've got you Michelle; I didn't want to be Obamaself"
- I have my entire Valentine's day planned with my toaster! Okay, so first, we're going to take a bath.
- I bought my girlfriend a fridge for valentine's day.. A bit of an unconventional present, I know!
But you should have seen her face light up when she opened it. - Valentines Day is on Monday Funerals usually take place on Saturday and Sunday. After the burial the flowers will still be fresh. What you do with this information is up to you.
St Valentine Jokes
Here is a list of funny st valentine jokes and even better st valentine puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I gave my wife the scales for the St. Valentine's day She gave me a ruler.
- Don't be sad if you didn't have a Valentine's. I know what you feel. Many people don't have a Patrick on st Patrick's day.
- The most effective way to remember to buy something to your wife for St. Valentine's Day is... to forget it once!
Uproarious Valentine Jokes to Share with Friends
What funny jokes about valentine you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean sweet love jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make valentine pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day
A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day. She is placing her items on the belt: a TV dinner, a soap opera digest, 3 bottles of wine, and 3 chocolate bars.
The clerk looks and her and says "I hate Valentines Day...what about you, you must be single right?"
"Yeah" she responds, "how did you know? Was it the stuff I'm buying?"
"Nah, you're ugly"
From my handwriting identification skills.
I have carefully deduced that Santa is my secret Valentine every year.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Roses are red...
Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don't spend Valentine's,
With Oscar Pistorious
^^I'll ^^see ^^myself ^^out
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Girl, if your beauty was represented in stocks, I'd invest everything...
Because you're at an all-time low.
(Use it to seal the deal on Valentine's Day)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Single? Give your s**... partner a Valentine's Day treat by having a manicure.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
To those who are sad because nobody loves them at Valentine's Day, worry not...
...nobody loves you on any of the other days of the year either.
girl answer when boy ask about valentines
Boy: Do you have a date for Valentine's Day?
Girl: Yes, February 14th.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you kiss a g**... valentines day?
You use tulips.
I bought my wife a new puppy for Valentine's Day! She's such a beautiful dog! Unfortunately, I forgot my wife is allergic to dogs... so I have to find her a new home. Can anybody help me out?
She's 5'5", 125lbs, and blonde. Free to good home.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Every time I have s**... with my girlfriend I put a dollar in a jar.
On Valentine's Day I use what I saved to buy a gift for her.
At the post office....
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
I wanted to go out for Valentine's day, but my relationship is complex
I'm real, she's imaginary.
Two women named Rachel meet and fall in love.
They decide to get married and go to the baker's to pick out a wedding cake. The baker inquires about their story and appalled, refuses to bake them a wedding cake. They are very upset and accuse the baker of narrow-mindedness and bigotry. "Oh, no, no, no," the baker responds, "I don't have a problem with gay marriage, I just can't support an inter-Rachel marriage!"
Happy Valentine's, everyone!
Happy Valentine's Day
Restaurant offers 25% discount for men who show up with their wife, 20% discount for men who show up with their girlfriend on Valentine's Day.
It's on the house for anyone who show up with both.
A man went to the card shop...
...and asked, "do you have any valentine cards saying 'you're my first and only love'?"
The shopkeeper said yes,
And the man replied, 'Great! give me five!"
My wife just called me and said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous!"
I repied, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."
If you are not in love on Valentine's Day, don't worry.
You don't have to be dead on Halloween, either.
A brunette gets a bouquet of flowers for valentines day.
The other office women are admiring the flowers as they are delivered to her.
She then smirks and says to the crowd of women gathered around "I guess this means I will be spending the night with my legs in the air."
The blonde then says "Don't you have a vase?"
A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.
He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope.
The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more cards there," the bartender says. "I've got to admit I'm curious what you're doing."
"Oh, every year at Valentine's Day I send out 500 cards, each one signed 'Guess Who?'" the guy says.
"But why?" the bartender asks.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the guy replies.
Two old men are sitting in the lounge chatting.
The one says, You should try the restaurant my wife and I went to last night. Pricey but well worth the money.
Oh, what's it called? asks the other man enthusiastically.
His friend thinks for a minute, Uhm…I…er…
Obviously having a senior moment he says, What's that flower, you know, war named after it, given out on Valentine's day?
The other man says, You mean the rose?
His friend lets out a gleeful, Yes! That's it, a rose!
He then turns in the chair and calls to his wife, Rose! What's the name of that place we ate at last night?
Two old men are sitting in the lounge chatting.
The one says, You should try the restaurant my wife and I went to last night. Pricey but well worth the money.
Oh, what's it called? asks the other man enthusiastically.
His friend thinks for a minute, Uhm…I…er…
Obviously having a senior moment he says, What's that flower, you know, war named after it, given out on Valentine's day?
The other man says, You mean the rose?
His friend lets out a gleeful, Yes! That's it, a rose!
He then turns in the chair and calls to his wife, Rose! What's the name of that place we ate at last night?
My missus asked me if I'd planned something special for Valentine's day. "I'm working on it" I said. She smiled happily,
which is weird because I thought she'd be well cheesed off because I was having to work.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There's s**... without love, and there's love without s**....
And there's us, without either.
Happy Valentine's Day.
How to make money off Valentine's Day
A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer. He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope. The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more cards there," the bartender says. "I've got to admit I'm curious what you're doing." "Oh, every year at Valentine's Day I send out 500 cards, each one signed 'Guess Who?'" the guy says. "But why?" the bartender asks. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the guy replies.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Boudreaux decides to surprise his wife for Valentine's day. His wife has been wanting a milk bath to soothe her skin. He goes to the milk man and states he needs some milk. The milk man says, Since you are filling up the bathtub, do you want it pasteurize?
Boudreaux says, no I just need it passed her a**..., not pasteurize (passed her eyes)
My wife is never gonna believe why her valentine gifts aren't here today.
I ordered her balloons from Temu but they keep getting shot down.
Stuff in the air...
The Country is on the lookout for flying objects.
Today, on Valentine's Day, Cupid almost got taken down by the National Air Patrol...
It's Valentine's day! I proposed to my high school girlfriend and best friend ever!
The two of them are out in the parking lot right now having a slapfight.
I always thought my wife nagged me less un February because of Valentines Day.
Turns out it's because it only has 28 days.
