Vacuum Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

If you think your microwave spying on you is bad...

Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

What did the father say when he was killing his kid with a vacuum?

Dyson.

The day Microsoft makes a product that doesn't suck...

Is the day they make a vacuum cleaner.

If Microsoft ever makes a product that doesn't suck...

...it'll be a vacuum!

I sold my vacuum cleaner the other day.

All it was doing was collecting dust.

I finally found out what they call the vacuum at the abortion clinic

Woomba

I got Inside a vacuum chamber once.

It was breath taking.

I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner...

All it does is collect dust.

My daughter was whining about her chores.

She asked if she needed to vacuum the whole apartment.
I said, "no, just do the floor."

Why are dogs afraid of outer space?

Because it's a vacuum.

If Microsoft ever makes a product that doesn't suck...

it will be a vacuum cleaner.

Here's an old German joke: What is the difference between a Russian tank and a vacuum cleaner?

There's only one dirtbag in the vacuum cleaner.

Wife: The vacuum cleaner doesn't suck the way it used to.

Husband: Neither does the dish washer.

Yesterday I sold my vacuum in a garage sale

all it was doing was collecting dust.

Relativity theory

In classical (Newtonian) physics, we can't solve the three-body problem. In the theory of relativity, we can't solve the two-body problem. In quantum mechanics, we can't solve the one-body problem, and with quantum electro dynamics, we don't even understand the vacuum anymore.

Why is outer space so clean?

It's a vacuum!

Why can't Buddhists vacuum under the couch?

Because they have no attachments.

I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago...

...and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.

I just bought the best vacuum ever

It sucks

I told my son that I found his hamster.

He was ecstatic. Until I said it was in the vacuum cleaner.

Why don't Buddhists vacuum in the corners of the monastery?

Because they have no attachments.

When i say i'm broke...I'm broke!

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" I said. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm broke!" and proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

I stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of broke do you not understand?"

Vacuum Salesman

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We moved in yesterday and don't have electricity yet."

Just Spent 3 hours in the Emergency room......

.... the Dyson Ball vacuum has a VERY misleading name........

If I clean my vacuum cleaner...

does that make me a vacuum cleaner?

What vacuum cleaner brand do Antivaxxers prefer?

Dyson.

Does anyone want to buy a vacuum cleaner?

Mine is just collecting dust at the moment.

This happened over the weekend

I had a broken vacuum, then I put a One Direction sticker on it and it suddenly sucked again.

Vacuums

They suck when they work and they suck when they don't

What's an anti-vaxxers favorite vacuum cleaner?

Dyson

Being single is like a vacuum cleaner:

its sucks when you're turned on

A midwife calls a doctor

Doctor she's been in labor for 36 hours we need to do a c section.
Not so fast, says the doctor there's one more thing to try

He goes to the obviously pained mother to be and says what do you call maids in space.

After the woman gives him a blank stare the doctor says Vacuum cleaners

Upon hearing this joke the woman cringes so hard that she expels the healthy crying baby.

Releived the new mother says Thank you doctor but that's the worst joke I ever heard

The doctor smiled and said the punchline sucks but the delivery was perfect

Apple is going to release the first smart vacuum cleaner this year

The first Apple product that doesn't suck

(not hating on apple or anything but i got this joke somewhere)

World's Best Vacuum Cleaner

A young man knocks on a residential door and an elderly lady answers, the young man says "hello maam, I'm here to show you the world's best vacuum cleaner!", she responds "sorry but I'm not interested and I have no money" as she tries to close the door.

Of course the young man puts his foot in the door and says "Maam, I'm so confident that this is the World's Best Vacuum Cleaner that I'll eat what's in this bag if you smell anything after this vacuum cleans and deodorizes your carpet!" He then takes a small bag of horse manure and dumps it right on her carpet in front of her.

She starts walking away to the back of the house and he says "where are you going maam, don't you want to see the world's best vacuum cleaner in action?", she replies "I'm going to get you some silverware from the kitchen because my power was turned off last week".

Vacuum cleaner salesman fail!

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

I sold my vacuum the other day…

all it was doing was collecting dust!

I told you I was broke…

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners . '

'Go away!' said the old lady. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!' and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. 'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'

The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning.

Does anyone want a vacuum cleaner?

Mine's just gathering dust.

What did the father say before he killed his child with a vacuum cleaner?

Dyson

I finally threw away my vacuum cleaner.

It was just collecting dust.

If space is a vacuum...

Why is the earth so dirty?

What's the difference between a Harley Davidson and a vacuum cleaner?

Placement of the dirt bag.

Bought my wife a matching bag and belt for Valentine's Day.

She should be able to fix the vacuum cleaner and get it running now.

Microsoft will start making ...

vacuum cleaners. It will be the only thing they make that doesn't suck.

Just got my wife a matching bag and belt set for her birthday.

Let's hope the vacuum cleaner works better now.

Famous last words of the father, when he killed his Son with a vacuum cleaner

Dyson

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician goes hunting.

The physicist sees a deer and calculates a trajectory in a vacuum and pulls the trigger.
The bullet falls short.
The engineer, seeing this, adds in some fudge and calculates high, overshooting the deer by a similar amount.
The statistician exclaims, "We got it!"

I bought my girlfriend a vacuum cleaner

but it's just been gathering dust.

What is the difference between Jedward and a vacuum cleaner?

A vacuum cleaner only sucks when you turn it on.

Why did Jill Stein try to censor a movie where the hero uses a shop vacuum to save people?

Because she doesn't want anyone to think there's such a thing as good vac scenes.

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner

All it was doing was gathering dust.

My girlfriend refuses to vacuum the carpet

It's like it's beneath her or something

What is a time travelling vacuum cleaner called?

Dr Whoover

Abortions are like stains in my carpet.

You don't want them to be seen, and you pay somebody to vacuum them out.

I HATE being stuck in a vacuum chamber

Makes my blood boil

How many physicists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Assuming it takes place in a vacuum, approximating the lightbulb as a point particle, Assuming it takes place at precisely 300 K, and ignoring the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle: Ο€/3

Why is the outside of the International Space Station so clean?

Because of the vacuum of space!

For sale: Vacuum Cleaner Β£30

Reluctant sale, but it is just collecting dust.

I recently sold my vacuum cleaner

all it was doing was gathering dust

I heard that Dyson, the vacuum cleaner giants, are planning on making a new electric car...

I hope it doesn't suck.

What do you call a janitor in space?

A vacuum cleaner

There once was a lady named Sue...

..who didn't have much to do.

So she pulled out the vacuum,

and went to the bathroom,

and found a new way to go poo.

I recently decided to get rid of my vacuum cleaner

All it was doing was collecting dust

A Physicist and an Engineer take turns shooting at a deer.

An engineer, a statistician, and a physicist are out hunting. They spot a buck, and each takes a turn to try and bag it.

The physicist goes first. He pulls out his lab book and quickly calculates the trajectory of the bullet, assuming it is a perfect sphere in a vacuum. The bullet falls 20m short of the deer.

The engineer goes second. He pulls out his engineer's pad and a book of projectile assumptions. After a few minutes he's ready, he takes aim, and he fires. The bullet lands 20m passed the deer.

The statistician leaps in the air shouting, "We got it!"

I bought the new "Ford" vacuum cleaner, but it doesn't work.

I guess it's the only thing Ford has made that doesn't suck.

I Call My Girlfriend the Vacuum.

I ask her to blow, but she really sucks.

Last night I dreamt I was a vacuum,

it really sucked.

What's the difference between a feminist and a vacuum cleaner?

They both suck, but the vacuum has a handle on it.

How to fix a broken vacuum.

If you ever come a cross a broken vacuum, put a toronto maple leaf hockey jersey on it.

It will start sucking right away.

What do vacuums and woman have in common?

The more you pay, the better they suck.

I'm trying to get rid of my vacuum.

All it does is gather dust.

Apple will make a product that doesn't suck....

when they make a vacuum.

Why is it a bad idea to let dogs onboard the ISS?

Because they would keep barking at the vacuum in space

What did the Witch say when the Broom Salesman showed her a Vacuum?

I don't want an automatic

What do my wife and my first vacuum cleaner have in common?

They're both old, loud, and don't suck anymore.

A vacuum cleaner company removed their latest model from stores a week after launch,

All user reviews said that it sucked.

I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner today.

It was just gathering dust

A salesman knocks on a door

A salesman knocks on a door, as soon as the door opens he throws a mound of dirt on the floor of the house. The house owner begins to confront the salesman in a state of rage but before he can say anything the salesman pulls out a vacuum and sucks up the dirt with ease. The salesman says "I'm here to sell you this vacuum!" The house owner, amazed at the display, immediately buys the vacuum. Another salesman sees this exchange and goes up to the same house later that day. This salesman knocks on the door, as soon as the house owner opens the door the salesman shoots him dead. He then proclaims "I'm here to sell you life insurance!"

(be easy I just thought of this joke myself)

Why didn't Buddha vacuum under the chair?

He had no attachments.

Why are women more qualified than men to be in space?

They were born to handle a vacuum

My vacuum cleaner recently had babies

Oh whoops, I meant my dog

What's the difference between a woman and a vacuum cleaner?

Vacuum cleaners don't shout at you for not wearing a condom

So, if you need a new vacuum cleaner...

Would you ask for one that sucks less or more?

Had to get rid of my vacuum cleaner.

It was just collecting dust.

What did my step-dad say before bludgeoning by brother to death with a vacuum cleaner?

Dyson.

Why couldn't the Germans make a good vacuum chamber?

There was too much gas in them.

What did Thanos use to clean up the mess he made by disintegrating half of all life?

The vacuum of space.

I went to see the doctor yesterday as I wasn't feeling too good after emptying my bagless vacuum cleaner

He told me I might actually dyson.

An engineer, a statistician, and a physicist are out hunting.

They spot a buck, and each take turn to try and bag it.
The physicist goes first. He pulls out his lab book and quickly calculates the trajectory of the bullet, assuming it is a perfect sphere in a vacuum. The bullet falls 20m short of the deer.

The engineer goes second. He pulls out his engineering pad and book of projectile assumptions. After a few minutes he's ready. He takes aim and he fires. The bullet lands 20m passed the deer.

The statistician triumphantly leaps in the air shouting, We got it!

What are the funniest vacuum jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Vacuum? Well, here are the best Vacuum puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Vacuum pick up lines to share with friends.

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