Utter Jokes
42 utter jokes and hilarious utter puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about utter that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Utter Short Jokes
Short utter jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The utter humour may include short vent jokes also.
- If some part of your job feels utterly pointless, remember Putin campaigned for the 2018 elections.
- At his death bed, achilles realized that they where going to loose the war and uttered his last words. Defeet hurts.
- My neighborhood barber got arrested this morning for dealing drugs. I'm utterly shocked. I've been his customer for years! I had no idea he was a barber.
- During the Second World War, an Italian soldier is captured. But during the interrogation the stern son of Rome did not utter a word... because his hands were tied.
- There are no accidents... Master Oogway uttered, before he took one look at me and said
* There are...some accidents * - I think horoscopes are a complete and utter waste of time. But, of course, I'm a Scorpio, and we are all skeptics.
- Why would Italians make a faithful spy? Because they won't utter a word when their hands are tied.
- So one of my cows decided to try they old jump over a barb wire fence trick... it was utter destruction.
- One day on a farm, a man was accused of milking all the cows to keep the milk for himself. When he was confronted about it he said, "What an utter lie."
- The prayer uttered most often by pet owners and parents of small children: "Please, God, let that be chocolate."
Share These Utter Jokes With Friends
Utter One Liners
Which utter one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with utter? I can suggest the ones about udder and tern.
- What do you call a cow with no hind legs? an utter drag
- What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence ? Utter destruction...
- What does a cow say to her girlfriend? We are made for each utters.
- What do you call a dairy cow who doesn't produce any milk? (OC) An utter disappointment
- Why is British weather muslim? Because when it isn't sunni, it's utter shiite
- What do you call a cow with only its front two legs? Well that would be an utter drag...
- What did the cow say to the flat earthers? Your beliefs are utterly impossible
- Q: What side of the cow gives the most milk?
A: The utter side. - Lost both my arms in an accident. The whole incident left me utterly humerless.
- Once I saw a cow jump over a barbed wire fence Twas an utter catastrophe
- (Utterly awful joke ahead) What do you call a scar left by the Swedish Chef? A borkmark.
- Ever seen two female cows fighting? It is utter chaos._.
]=(:) - ''Let there be dams,'' uttered the God of otters.
- I never understood the term "cash cow".. Sounds like utter non-cents to me.
- I tried milking a cow for the first time today. It was an utter failure.
Comical & Quirky Utter Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about utter you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean rite jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make utter pranks.
A college professor reminds her class of the next day's final exam saying, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever"
A guy sitting at the back asks, What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter s**... exhaustion?"
The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
Dude 1 and his two friends are talking at a bar - talking about their wives..
Dude 1 says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
Dude 2, "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber, the other day I found a wrench under the bed, and it wasn't mine."
Dude 3, says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
The movie 'Up' is utter b**....
I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn't die.
Recently the police were called to the residence of an elderly couple. The Chief radios the station that the wife has shot the husband.
The Sgt. at the station stammers "What? Why?" The Chief calls back "Well, apparently she warned him about walking on her freshly mopped floors one more time..." Sarge is in utter disbelief "Did you go and arrest her??" Chief said not yet. Sarge asked what the h**... he's waiting for. Chief radios back "The floor still isn't dry..."
A blonde is watching the news on an airplane...
The news reporter says, "Three Brazilian children have been presumed dead after their home caught fire in the middle of the night."
The blonde jolts up in her seat in utter shock. She taps the shoulder of the passenger next to her, and exclaims, "Oh my god! How many children is a Bra-zillion!?"
Tim is out drinking one night...
He wants to go home but is extremely drunk so he decides to walk. After two steps he falls down. He stands up, walks another two steps and falls down again. This continues all the way home where he climbs up the stairs in agony but doesn't utter a single groan since he doesn't want his wife to notice and gets into bed next to her, makes sure he didn't wake her up and sleeps.
The next day, his wife tells him: "Tim, you m**...! Didn't I tell you not to go out drinking??? You're a dead loss!" - "But how did you know?" - "You forgot your wheelchair at the bar, that's why!"
Dave and his two friends are talking at a bar.
Dave and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber, the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Dave says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
As the teacher marked my quiz answers, she suddenly stopped, looked up at me and shook her head in utter disappointment. With cold, dead eyes, she muttered, "This is wrong." Mouth dry, I whispered, "Question 2?"
She snarled, "No, the way your hand is resting between my thighs."
A guy rushes into a bar out of breath and manages to excitedly utter to the bartender "Gimme 6 shots of whiskey quick"!
The bartender says "What's the hurry?" as he lays out the six shots. The guy starts downing the shots as fast as the bartender is filling them. As he is gulping down the last shot, he utters "Well you would drink fast too if you had what I have". The bartender says "well geez mister what do you have"? and the guy says "2 dollars".
After five years of living in utter despair, a young man finally found the key to lifelong happiness.
It was Prozac.
Wicked people in the Old Testament didn't drink milk
We know this because the wicked were always visited with utter destruction.
Son asked his father permission to marry
a son walked up to his father and said "Dad, I'm going to marry the girl next door,Mary"
the father smiled and said "No, son you can't. She's your half-sister". Angrily the son said "Then, I'm going to marry Cindy"
The father replied the same.
The son in utter disbelief when to his mother and told what happened.
The mother looked at him in a rather cunning way and said "you can marry whomever you want son. TheY'RE not your half-sisters"
Cow joke
What did the cow 1 say to cow 2?
Nothing. Cows can't talk.
I have an utter cow joke, but I don't wanna milk it.
What did the king utter when he was offered the village eldest daughter as a bride?
What a peasant surprise!
What did the researcher utter when his algorithm for rope tying returned a zero value?
It was all for naught.
What's the difference between buttered bread and bread with margarine?
One's a buttery trail while the other one's utter betrayal.
