Usual Jokes

145 usual jokes and hilarious usual puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about usual that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Jokes have long been a mean of making businesses more efficient. Find out why they pay off in terms of hours and productivity with this article providing an in-depth analysis of the standard benefits that come with using humor in the workplace.

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Funniest Usual Short Jokes

Short usual jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The usual humour may include short ordinary jokes also.

  1. Donald Trump has decided to take just $1 as his salary for the job of the President instead of the usual 400,000. That man would do just about anything to avoid paying the taxes.
  2. Having gay parents must be horrible You either get twice the usual amount of dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mom"
  3. LPT: If you ever get cold and don't have a sweater, stand in a corner for a few minutes; they're usually about 90 degrees. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
  4. A while ago I had a blind date with a Jewish girl She asked me for my number.
    I told her that we usually use names.
  5. Is it okay to hate a certain race? I usually run the 5K, but someone from my running group wants to do the 10K, which I don't want because a lot of caucasians participate in that one.
  6. So how long are you in for? I asked my cell mate. Only for a couple of minutes, then I'm usually done he replied as he carried on thrusting.
  7. Gordon Ramsey goes to Australia and makes a lemon meringue pie. The whole audience cheers! "That's strange," he says, "I thought Australians usually boo meringue."
  8. I can guess what people do for a living just by looking at their hands. I mean, I'm usually wrong. But, I can guess.
  9. An Englishman walks into a bar... There's usually a Scotsman, Irishman and Welshman too, but they're still at the rugby World Cup.
  10. Around 80% of all Asians that move to America get cataracts. The remaining 20% usually buy chevrorets, rexus, or rincoln. Some even get rand lover.

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Usual One Liners

Which usual one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with usual? I can suggest the ones about normal and typical.

  1. Yo Mama so fat, when she breaks a plate It's usually of the tectonic variety.
  2. I usually ask people what LGBTQ means. I never get a straight answer.
  3. dark Humour is like anti-vax families There's usually a dead baby.
  4. Son: Dad, how do star die? Dad: Drugs, usually.
  5. I don't like how funerals are usually at 9 or 10 AM. I'm not a mourning person.
  6. I don't usually brag about going to expensive places But I just left the gas station.
  7. "Dad, how do stars die?" – Usually an overdose.
  8. How are LGBTQ folks like batteries? Usually, they are not included.
  9. My horse was way more aggressive than usual today it threw me off
  10. I really have to hand it to short people Because they usually can't reach it anyways.
  11. Why are plants so skinny? They usually have a light lunch.
  12. Flying the Confederate flag doesn't make you a racist. It's usually the other way around.
  13. I've never tried cow tipping before. How much do you usually pay them?
  14. I dont usually tell dad jokes But when I do, he usually laughs
  15. I came into a lot of money today, which is weird. I usually use tissues.

Business As Usual Jokes

Here is a list of funny business as usual jokes and even better business as usual puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My yo-yo business is failing, and I don't know why! People usually love a no strings attached policy!
  • A friendly reminder that gyms get really busy around the new year as people make their resolutions So it's best to wait for it to die down, usually around January 2nd
  • I can see why mary and joseph couldnt find a hotel to stay at Usually Christmas gets places really busy
  • To expand their business, CNN and NBC build airports. As usual, a lot of things fly over their heads.
  • I don't usually have much sass, But if I was selling peppers, I'd be jalapeño business.
  • I usually dont spend much, but i always fly business class I don't like to be grounded while flying.
Usual joke, I usually dont spend much, but i always fly business class

Silly Usual Jokes for a Good Time with Friends

What funny jokes about usual you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean regular jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make usual pranks.

Men's Helpline

Men's Helpline
"Hello, you have reached the Men's Help Line, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"
"Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with the girls a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So, I hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse. Then she took her p**... out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouching behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"

Jewish ad campaign

Old man Moskowitz was getting along in years. He decided to retire and let his 3 sons run the company (which manufactured a wide variety of nails). The sons thought they could increase market-share with some judicious billboard advertising.
Only a week later the old man was taking his usual Sunday drive in the country when he saw the first billboard ad. There it was - a picture of Christ on the Cross, with the caption: "Nails for Every Purpose. Use Moskowitz Nails."
The old man immediately met with his 3 sons to voice his concern. He explained that the backlash could be horrendous. The company could be ruined. The sons agreed to discontinue that ad.
A week later the old man was again taking his usual Sunday drive when he saw the second billboard ad. There it was - - a picture of the same cross, empty, with Christ crumpled on the ground below... and the caption: "Next Time Use Moskowitz Nails."

RIP Neil Armstrong

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, including the usual COM traffic between him, the other astronauts, and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, [they found] there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26- year-old question to Armstrong. He finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbors' bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "o**... s**...? o**... s**... you want? You'll get o**... s**... when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

2 kids arguing.

2 little kids were arguing over who's dad has a better job. First kid says,"My dads a doctor." Second kis say,"Yeah well my dad's lawyer." Astonished the first kid says," Honest?" The second kid replied "No, the usual kind."

Mailman's last day on the job.

After 30 years, mailman George decides to retire. On his last day, he makes his usual rounds.
When he arrives at the first house, the whole family comes out, congratulates him, and sends him on his way with a $50 gift envelope.
At the second house, they present him with a box of fine cigars.
At the next house, he is met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She takes him by the hand and leads him up to the bedroom, where she blows his mind with the most passionate s**... he has ever experienced.
When done, they go downstairs, where she fixes him a giant breakfast. As she pours him a cup of coffee, he notices a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this is just too wonderful for words," he says, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she says, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' But breakfast was my idea!"

A pony recently got to work as a teacher,

But 1 day before school starts he got a cold. Naturally he couldn't talk as loud as usual so the next day he comes into the class and says: "Good morning! Sorry if I'm being a bit quiet, I'm just a little horse."

What do you call an organised rebellion with twice as many people as usual?

A sedan d'état.

hello, hello ! 911 ? 911 ?

Yes, Sir, what happened ?
"I think my wife's dead". "What happened, Sir ?" "Well...she's lying in bed, cold and stiff as usual, but the dishes haven't been done in 3 days !"

My kinda Dr.

a woman goes to a new gynocologist for the first time, for her annual pap smear. as the getting everything ready, and the woman is in the usual position, the dr. explains that there will be some discomfort. he then asks if she would like to numb the area first so she is more comfortable. she tells the dr. *yes please* and he then proceeds to bury his face between her legs and says...num num numnum...


"So how did the interview go?" my wife asked me.
"I'm not too sure to be honest, I said all the usual stuff like, I'm a hard working person, I get on well with others, I won't let anyone down, blah blah blah, but then he sort of looked at me funny."
"How come?" she replied.
"Because I said blah blah blah."


One day a penguin decides to go to a party. He dresses in his usual tuxedo, and then drives over to the mansion. He eats his dinner and then it was time for dessert. Ice cream, the penguin's favorite! The penguin laps up the ice cream getting it all over his beak and face feathers. On his drive home his car breaks down and he calls for a tow. After the mechanic inspects the car he proceeds to tell the penguin "You blew a seal". To which the penguin replies "No, it's ice cream"

When my dad was a doctor going through residency...

...he had this particularly notable patient.
He was asking her the usual questions:
Do you smoke? Nope.
Drink? On occasion.
Any drugs? No
All typical answers, until he got to his last question.
Are you s**... active? She stared at him for a moment before replying: "Well I don't just lay there..."

An elderly man and woman enter the bar and ask the bartender for their usual drinks.

The bartender serves them, speaking to the man, "Mr. Johnson, it's been awhile since we saw you last, how are you and your wife doing? We were worried about you, the last time you came in you didn't seem to recognize or remember anyone."
The elderly gentleman responds, "Well, you know how it is when you start getting up in years… but I've been seeing a fantastic memory therapist. She's taught me some mental exercises that have helped me to remember all the important things in life."
The bartender says, "That's great! What's the therapist's name?"
The elderly gentleman looks confused before snapping his fingers, "What's that flower? The red one with thorns on its stem?"
The bartender answers, "A rose?"
"Yes, that's it," the older man smiles before turning to his wife, "Rose, what's the name of that therapist I've been seeing?"

The double meaning of Christmas!

I bought a new 6 foot, artificial, LED Christmas tree yesterday.
The sales assistant asked " Are you putting this up yourself sir?"
"No, it's going in the living room as usual" I replied.

My mom and I were at church Sunday morning

We left the house in the usual hurry.
We made it to church and I was felling kinda sick.I told my Mom and she says to go out
side the frontdoor and she'd be out to check on me.I was about to spew so I ran towards
the door.A few minutes later I returned to my seat.Mom was surprised to see me back so quickly.
You didn't make it outside ,did you?
Didn't have to Mom ,there was a box by the door that said "for the sick or elderly"

Fred and Susan were having their usual loud...

...and endless argument about family reunions.
At last, Fred relented. "I'm so sorry, Sweetheart. I didn't mean all those hateful things I said about your family. As a matter of fact, I like your mother-in-law a whole lot better than I do mine."

What does a fat person order at McDonalds?

The usual.

René Descartes walks into a bar

~~The bartender asks him if he wants a drink.~~
~~"I don't think so..."~~
The bartender says "Hey, René, gonna have your usual?"
"I don't think I am."
Descartes disappears.

A man goes to the doctor

Not sure if this is a repost. Haven't seen it here yet.
A man goes to his doctor for his annual check up. The doctor does all the usual tests, and comes back into the room. "I'm afraid I have some bad news. You don't have much longer left to live."
"What do you mean I don't have much longer left to live? How long have I got?"
"10 what?! Months? Weeks?!"

The baker at my local donut shop was bragging about how the male enhancement pills he'd started taking actually worked.

And that was fine until I noticed the holes in the donuts were a little larger than usual.

How much of s**... is work?

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of s**... was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 25-75% in favor of work . A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure , depending on how drunk he was at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private who was in charge of making the coffee. What was your opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

A man enter a resturant

A waitress walks towards him and says, "I'm sorry but you can't eat here we have had a lot of complaints due to your behavior".
The man replies, "I'm sorry, you must confuse me with someone else, i've never been here before". "I'm so sorry sir, what do you want?". The man then answers "Just the usual, please"

Last week I dropped my camera into the toilet

The pictures were even shittier than usual

Men's Help Line

MEN"S HELP LINE, "Hello, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"

Caller: "Hi, Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up. She goes out with 'the girls' a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home, she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her p**... out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"

The wife

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. 
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!  
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!  
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. 
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. 
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" 
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

Egg timer

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. 
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!  
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!  
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. 
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. 
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" 
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, When Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... No. In fact, He got out three times to pee"

I keep swallowing live ammunition.

I thought, this time I'm going to go to the hospital, but as usual, I just f**... a round at home.

Clinton, Sanders, Trump and Cruz are having lunch together...

and they're discussing why each thinks they'll win.
"I have the support of women and minorities" says Clinton. "I have the support of intellectuals" says Sanders "I have the support of the average american tired of politics as usual" says Trump.
Cruz just smiles..."I have the support of the people in charge of programming the electronic voting machines"

My blind friend just tried l**... for the first time...

There was more tripping than usual.

They're predicting record highs for Wednesday.

In other news the weather will be hotter than usual.

My old man got me today...

Me: alright, dad, see you in a few hours.
Dad: okay, drive safe.
Me: I'll make sure to drive really fast and without any caution.
Dad: that would be an improvement to your usual driving.

Do you know why...

...they bury lawyers 10 feet under, instead of the usual 6 feet under?

Because "deep down" they're good people.

I know a hypnotist who could control the whole audience.

He'd enter the room, say 'sleep' and everyone would fall asleep.
He'd say ''laugh'', the audience would burst out laughing.
One day, he entered the room where he would make his show as usual, but tripped in the stairs; and yelled '**...''!
The room took three hours to clean.

2 little boys are arguing

About whose dad has a better job. First says "mines a Dr." second says " well mines a lawyer" first says in disbelief " honest? " second says " naw the usual kind"

Headlice are now resistant to the usual medical treatments....

The problem has scientists scratching their heads.

Why did the global warming activist compliment the earth?

Cause it looked hotter than usual! (I'll see myself out)

My sister's got hay fever, and now she has diabetes.

I tried to cheer her up. You know, the usual. Flowers, chocolates

Was starting to get romantic with a woman last night

As usual I began crying uncontrollably. After getting home it took forever to wash the pepper spray off.

I used to be a telemarketer

I phone up one of my usual numbers and a little boy answers the phone.
"Are you parents home, young man?" I ask.
I hear him drop the phone and burst into tears. I wait a few seconds until someone pick up the phone. An elderly voice at the end of the line barks back at me:
"For the last time, this is an orphanage. PLEASE stop calling."

A con artist, a pervert, and a racist walks into a bar.

The barkeep looks up and says "The usual, Mr. Trump?"

A boy walked into class 20 minutes late and really high.

My teacher asked him why he was so late and he said, "I don't know, I think there were more stairs than usual."

It's Jim's birthday

Jim's wife treats her man by taking him to a s**... Club for his birthday... At The Club, The Doorman Says, "Hey Jimmy, How are You?" The wife asks, "How does he know you? Jimmy says, "Oh dear, I play football with him." Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Jim?" Jimmy says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts Team." Next a stripper Says, "Hi Jim! Do You Crave the Special Again??" The wife storms out dragging Jimmy with her & jumps into a taxi... The Taxi driver Says, "Hey Jimmy Boy! You picked up an ugly one this time...."

A schoolyard bully asked all of his usual victims to get together and be waiting for him so he could get through all of his beatings quickly this time, but none of them showed up.

End of joke. There was no punchline.

Dave came home later than usual from his Sunday golf outing...

He looked thoroughly worn out.
"Tough day at the course?" his wife asked.
"Oh, you have no idea," he said. "The first nine holes were great. But then Steve had a heart attack and died. For the whole back nine, it was 'hit the ball, drag Steve, hit the ball, drag Steve."

Johnny paid his way through college by waitering in a restaurant.

"What's the usual tip?" asked a customer.
"Well," said Johnny, "this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I'd be doing great."
"Is that so?" growled the customer. "In that case, here's twenty dollars."
"Thanks. I'll put it in my college fund," Johnny said.
"By the way, what are you studying?" asked the customer.
"Applied psychology."

Strike Asks Employers to Imagine "A Day Without a Woman."

I knew traffic seemed smoother than usual this morning.

An alcoholic walks into a bar, first thing in the morning,

And sits down at the bar. His friend, the bartender says "Whiskey on the rocks, as usual?"
The man responds, "It's too early..."
The bartender is shocked, "Too early for a drink? For you?" He asks, surprised.
The man looks at him and says,
"No, for s**... questions."

Not your usual goat joke

I walked past a baby goat sleeping. I was later arrested for kidnapping, has nothing to do with the kid napping, they just found my basement

Subscribers to Bread Enthusiast Monthly were upset when the July edition was all about flat bread. They said it was too big of a change from all the magazine's usual topics.

In actuality, it was a naan-issue.

My girlfriend asked me how my diet was going

I told her using more s**... as an incentive has been really effective thus far.
She responded quizzically, saying, we haven't been having more s**... than usual.
So, long story short, my girlfriend dumped me when she found out when I have been doing on my cheat days.

In my credit card statement there was an extra 6**...$ charge written in tiny fonts ...

As usual, the devil is in the details ...

What do Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Spacey have in common?

The House of Cards they had built in Hollywoodland has now made them The Usual Suspects in Sin City. This was supposed to be LA Confidential but apparently they couldnt find Consenting Adults. The American Beauty of this is that they will now forever be Inglorious b**....

I don't know why everyone's so surprised when people in Hollywood are found out to s**... offenders

It's pretty obvious who it is, it's always the usual suspects

A large pickle walks into a bar

A large pickle walks into a bar, sits down, looks at the bartender, and asks for his usual to be put on a tab. Having never seen the large pickle before, the bartender says "Who even are you? Tab priveleges are reserved only for celebrities, well-known people, or d**... that try to get out of paying." The large pickle responds, "In that case, I'm kind of a huge dill."

Chad's wife decided to surprise him on his birthday

and to show him that she's a cool wife, she took him to a s**... club.
At the club:
Bouncer: Hi Chad! How you doing tonight?
Wife: How does he know you?
Chad: We play golf together!
Bartender: Evening Chad! The usual?
Wife: And how does he know you?!
Chad: Um, he's on the bowling team!
Hot blonde stripper: Hey s**..., champagne room again tonight?
At this point the wife loses it and storms out of the club, dragging Chad with her, into a taxi.
Taxi driver: Hey Chad! Boy... You picked a fat one tonight huh? Same motel?

Two Nuns

Two nuns are riding their bicycles through Rome on their way to the Vatican. This time, though, they are taking a different route instead of their usual route.
I've never come this way, one nun says to the other.
It's the cobblestones, says the other nun.

An artist lives next to a Marsh.

Twice a week, he goes out and collects the clam shells in the marsh to use in his art. One day, he visits a fellow artist and the two compare their works as usual. Suddenly, a gang of bandits breaks into the house to steal art, but before anyone else could react the first artist launches a furious flurry of kicks and punches that quickly incapacitates all the robbers.
"Incredible!" Goes his friend, "I never realised you were so well trained in combat!"
"Well you should," the first artist replied, "considering you already know I am a marsh shell artist."

Nina and Liz are having a conversation during their lunch break.

Nina asks "So, Liz, how's your s**... life these days?"
Liz replies "Oh, you know. It's the usual, Social Security kind".
"Social Security?" Nina asked quizzically.
"Yeah, you get a little each month, but it's not enough to live on"

A guy is getting his routine checkup.

The doctor is doing the usual, checking his ears, checking his nervous responses, going over his records, etc. Over time, the doctor looks increasingly grave. Eventually, he stops his examination, takes off his glasses, and says: "I'm so sorry to have to tell you this, but you're going to have to stop m**...."
The man is shocked. "Why?" He asks, flummoxed and concerned. The doctor replies:
"Because I'm trying to examine you."

Otto the German was driving from Germany to Paris to visit some relatives.

A French cop stops him and asks the usual questions:
cop: name?
Otto: Otto
cop: address?
Otto: 341 Brandenburg Street, Berlin
cop: Occupation?
Otto: no, just visiting...

One day, in Ancient Rome

A senator was late to the Senate, when Cicero was giving a speech. He got there fifteen minutes after the start.
He slipped into his usual seat and whispered to the senator next to him: "What Cicero is talking about?"
His neighbor said: "I don't know, he hasn't got to the verb yet!"

As usual for Germany ...

they perform better in '14 than in '18.

90 year old married man enters confessional

Bypassing the usual protocols, he tells the priest rather abruptly that he had s**... with a beautiful 20 year old woman, who wasn't his wife.
The Priest states my son, you must say 10 Our Fathers, 3 Hail Marys, when the old man cuts him off, and says, wait I am not Catholic. The Priest says, well why are you telling this?
The old man exclaims I'm telling everybody!

A lawyer walks into a bar

The bartender looks at him and asks The usual?
The lawyer nods. The bartender then serves a glass full of ice.
Just-ice was served...

An elderly gentleman goes in for his usual colonoscopy exam....

As he lay on his side on the table, the doctor got ready to do the examination.
As the doctor was going in, he looked at the patient and smiled and said, "Don't worry, it's quite normal to get an e**...."
The patient, embarrassed, stated earnestly, "But I haven't got an e**...."
The doctor said, "No, but I do."

I invited my two friends over for a party as I was trying to Sweden my s**... life, but my wife said "Norway!"

So Dan, Mark and I had our 3-way as usual.

Unexpected morning s**...:

I stumbled into the kitchen to see my wife cooking our usual breakfast of soft-boiled eggs and toast.
Barely awake, I thought perhaps I was dreaming when she suddenly took off her gown and demanded I make love with her there and then.
Soon finished, she turned back to the stove and said thanks . I said, My pleasure, dear, you seemed so inspired, thank you!
Dryly, she drawled, Don't get used to it, the egg timer's broken.

Amongst the usual queue of studded leather, chained piercings and rubber appendages, the s**... club doorman was surprised to see a bespectacled man in a shirt and tie standing patiently, a calculator in one hand. "Who are you, are you lost?" asked the doorman.

"Oh, I'm the statistician" came the reply.
"Then...what are you here for?"
With an unsettling grin, the statistician produced a pencil from his back pocket.
"Just standard deviation."

Buzzards on a plane

Two buzzards were at the check in counter at their local airport answering the usual questions. The desk agent finally noticed the piece of rotting gazelle they had brought with them.
"Are you going to check that?" the agent asks.
"No. That's my carrion."

A wife goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot for the family pet

The wife is given an option and since she doesn't have too much money goes for the cheapest one and wonders why it is cheap. The owner tells her it is because it is from a brothel.
When she arrives home the parrot says: "Another new brothel for s**..."
Then when the daughter arrives the parrot says: "A new face has come"
Then when the father comes home, the parrot says: "John, I haven't seen you in weeks, would you like the usual?"

A horse walks into a barn

A horse walks into a barn
The Barntender says, "Hay, the usual?"

Dave got his wife a French maids costume to get her in the mood but it was a complete waste.

The house is still messed up as usual.

Woman goes to a doctor with a t**... lodged inside her...

Doctor: So how did this happen?
Woman: I don't know, I mean I didn't get them from the store as usual, I saw a special deal on eBay, a hundred boxes for $1!
Doctor: A hundred boxes for $1? Didn't that sound suspiciously cheap to you?
Woman: Well I thought that too, so I checked the entire listing and it said plain and clear
One hundred boxes of tampons for $1... strings attached!

My wife got mad after telling this story.

You can make yours mad too. And this is the story:
I got on this bus on my way home from work. I noticed this young boy and g**... the far end. First it was the usual kissing. Then the girl got touchy, what baffles me is it seems to be normal to others. Then the unthinkable happened, the girl pulled her shirt up and showed a breast. The boy s**... it immediately. I can tell, the girl's on her early 20's. The boy? Around 6 months.

A couple were talking after having s**....

You know, that was a really nice time. You lasted a lot longer than usual babe. The woman said. What's your secret? Can I expect this every night from now on? She continued.
The man replied Well, we were sexting earlier so I knew we'd be having an interesting evening, so I might have masterbated earlier today. You could say I... Came prepared

Putting 'not' to the end of your usual joke makes your wife smile again


So I went to Subway the other day

I ordered the usual, roast beef with cucumbers, lettuce and Chipotle sauce.
When I got the sandwich, it was mouldy and looked like it had been used many times before, so I handed back to the employee who had made it.
He looked at it for a while before saying "oh yeah, this sub has a lot of recycled content."

they say that antibiotics prevent birth control from working

I don't know, I've taken antibiotics before and my personality still did its usual job

Usual joke, they say that antibiotics prevent birth control from working

jokes about usual