Ussr Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Ussr jokes. There are some ussr leonid jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these ussr gulag puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Happy Ussr Jokes for a Lighthearted Night with Friends

At the rise of the USSR....

Vodka prices were raised. One day a man came home, and was complaining about it. In response his daughter asked, "Daddy, does this mean you're gonna drink less?"
he responded, "no this means you're gonna eat less."

'What Will Communism Be Like?'- A Russian Joke

One day, as a young man, Ivan asked a member of the Party, "What will it be like once we have built communism?". The Party man replied, "The shops will be full of goods, and we will have no money". Four decades passed, and the Soviet Union fell. After the fall of the USSR, Ivan found himself walking the streets of Moscow. He looked at the shops, and he felt in his pockets, and smiled. "Comrades", he said, "We have built communism at last!"

How come the leader of the USSR from the 1920's to 1951 never got anything done?

...because he was always Stalin.

Why didn't the USSR get anything done?

They were Stalin

jokes about ussr

In the old Russia, bevore USSR a small child comes home from the last day of school

and holding his grade sheet yells to his revolutionary father "Father! You know how you always say how bad our schooling system is? Now I have proof of it!"

Back in the days of the USSR, two men stood in a block-long line for cucumbers...

Suddenly one of them snaps, and yells "This is an outrage! Waiting for hours for a couple of lousy cucumbers! I'm going to the Kremlin to assassinate the fools responsible for this!" and stomps off. A couple hours later, he's back.
One of the other people in line asks "Did you kill the guy in the Kremlin?"
The first guy responds "You think *this* line is long?"

Old Soviet joke - Children in the USSR

Back in Soviet Russia, little Misha is being read to by his babysitter. She reads: 'In the USSR, kindegardens are filled with wonderful toys.'
Misha listens with bright eyes.
'In the USSR, every child has a brand new bicycle.'
Little Misha opens his eyes even wider.
'In the USSR, every child drinks hot cocoa for breakfast.'
Little Misha starts crying his eyes out, bawling:
'I want to go to the USSR!'

Ussr joke, Old Soviet joke - Children in the USSR

During the communist rule

in the USSR a big assembly was held and members of the communist party were giving speeches to the general public. The highest ranking official was making his speech and he proclaimed "soon we will live even better!". This was followed by a voice from the audience "and what about us?!"

Kennedy's USSR joke

A man runs into the the Kremlin yelling, "the Premiere is an idiot the Premiere is an idiot".
The man was immidetaly arrested by the KGB and sentenced to 23 years in prison.
3 years for insulting a high ranking member of the party and 20 years for divulging a state secret.

An US tourist visiting the USSR fell down the open manhole...

After he was helped out, he started complaining: why on earth such as danger was not marked properly? In the USA there would be red lanterns or at least some red flags. "How did you arrive in Moscow?" asked one of the Russians who helped him out. "Well, via Sheremetyevo airport". "Haven't you noticed the huge red flag on its main building?"

A commissar goes to a collective farm...

... And hails a farmer to ask about how his village's farms are doing.

The farmer says "Oh Comrade Commissar, if we stacked all the potatoes in a pile, it would reach the foot of God!"

The commissar raises an eyebrow and says "Comrade farmer, we live in the USSR. There is no god."

The farmer replied: "That's okay, there are no potatoes either."

You can explore ussr stalin reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean ussr ukraine dad jokes. There are also ussr puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

If the USSR were to become a country again...

...would it be called the Soviet Reunion?

Why did the USSR have so many lower case letters?

Because they aren't capitalist

No one should have been surprised by the rise of the USSR after World War II.

I mean, there were red flags everywhere.

When I immigrated to the US from the USSR, I went to my first American restaurant...

They asked me, "How many in your party?"
I replied, "60 million."

Some joke my dad told me a long time ago

What's one profession that doctors, lawyers, even the king of Saudi Arabia and the presidents of the USSR and US bow their heads to?

Barbers.

Ussr joke, Some joke my dad told me a long time ago

What happens when the USSR gets back together?

A Soviet Reunion.

With Vladimir Putin so eager to restore ties, I think the U.S and Russia should form one country.

We can call it The United States of Soviet Russia! USSR for short.

Superpoer

Friend: If you could only own one super power what would it be?

Me: USSR

Do you know why the USSR fell nearly overnight?

Because they stopped Stalin and were Russian!

Old USSR joke about free speech

In America you have freedom of speech. You can stand in front of the White House and say: "Reagan Sucks."

In Soviet Russia, you also have freedom of speech. You can stand in front of the Kremlin and say: "Reagan Sucks."

Why did so many KGB officers become cab drivers after the fall of the USSR?

It was very practical! You just had to tell them your name and they already knew your address.

What would the reunification of the USSR be called?

The Soviet Reunion

What do you call two comedians in love in the USSR?

Rom-Comrades

3 spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR.

After a week they were captured and put in jail. The Russians took the English spy, tied and tortured him and after 20 minutes he gave all the info.

Then the Russians took the French spy. They tied and tortured him, and after 20 minutes he too gave all the info.

Then they took the Italian spy and did the same to him, but he didnt give any info. They kept torturing him for 3 hours but with no luck. Eventually they gave up and put him back in the cell.

The 2 other spies asked him How did you do that? They tortured us like crazy! The Italian replied: I wanted to give all my info, but they tied my hands and so I couldn't speak.

In USSR we had this joke

An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart.
In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"

Ussr joke, In USSR we had this joke

In USSR there were two popular newspaper...

..."The Truth" and "The News".

One visitor asked a local what the difference between them were.

"Well, there's no news in "The Truth", and no truth in "The News""

Why did World War II last so long?

Because the USSR kept Stalin.

If the USSR suddenly came back together...

... it should be called the Soviet Reunion.

In the USSR we had this joke

But we were keeping it to ourselves so they confiscated it, and threw us in jail.

Robert Mueller has uncovered that Donald Trump dropped Quaaludes with the entire USSR hockey team prior to their stunning defeat to the US at the 1980 Olympics "Miracle on Ice" in Lake Placid, NY. So what's the crime in that?

Trump Quaaluded with the Russians

The USSR just got back together!

It's the Soviet Reunion

During Soviet times, the USSR had two TV channels

On the first one, there was propaganda.
On the second one, a KGB agent appeared and said "Switch back to the first channel".

If it ever returned, what would we call the USSR?

The Soviet Reunion

Did you know that the USSR produced the best bread in the world?

Why, people would stand in line for days for just a single piece!

Did you know that the USSR had some of the world's best bakeries?

People would stand in line all week just to get a single slice of bread!

If your date collects USSR memorabilia...

That's a big red flag.

I wish they would make the USSR whole again

It would be called the Soviet Reunion

Why there were no pharmacies in USSR?

Because you can't take pills on an empty stomach

Yuri Gagarin became the first man in space because that was the only way to leave USSR

​

Did you hear about the USSR comedian who defined his self work through the success of his work?

Because in Soviet Russia you don't make jokes, jokes make you.

Christmas in the USSR is as such:

good children get coal, bad children mine coal for next year

What's wrong with The USSR?

First of all, it shouldn't be capitalized...

Mikhail Gorbachev started an anti-alcohol campaign in USSR in 1980s. People went crazy because of the restrictions on selling of alcohol. An old Soviet joke went like this:

A disaffected and angry citizen, fed up of standing in lines for vodka, decided to go assassinate Gorbachev. He soon came back and ruefully reported that the lines to assassinate Gorbachev were even longer than the lines for vodka.

I played the USSR anthem at my private school

And now its a public school.

What is the USSRs favourite puppet show?

The Allies

What's the difference between US and USSR fairy tales?

US fairy tales start with "Once upon a time there was"

USSR fairy tales start with "Really soon there will be"

A Jew living in the Soviet Union applies for an exit visa so he could emigrate to Israel.

As a result, he is summoned to the KGB headquarters.

I see that you applied to move to Israel? asks the KGB officer. The Jewish man nods.

Here in the USSR, don't you have food to eat?

Yeah, I can't complain.

And here in the USSR, don't you have place to live?

Yeah, yeah, I can't complain.

And here in the USSR, don't you have job to work at?

Yeah, I can't complain.

So, Jew, why did you apply to move to Israel?

Because There I can complain!

Late one night in the USSR there is a knock at the door.

Everyone leaps out of bed. Papa goes shakily to the door.


'It's all right,' he says, coming back. 'The building's on fire.'

There were two men in a prison in the USSR.

One asked the other: Why are you here?
The other answers: Political reasons.

He asks another question: What political reasons?

The other prisoner answers: I am a plumber, and I got called in to the party committee to fix their sink. And they asked what was the problem and I said: "The whole system is rotten, everything must be replaced!"

If the USSR got back together

Would it be called the Soviet Reunion?

USSR should've been called PTSD

Post-Tsarism Socialism Disorder

My girlfriend left me because of my unhealthy obsession with USSR memorabilia...

She said there were too many red flags!

Why weren't there any Miners in the USSR?

Because in the USSR they were Oursers.

A Soviet Jew applies for an exit visa so he could emigrate to Israel.

As a result, he is summoned to the KGB headquarters.

I see that you want to move to Israel? asks the KGB interrogator. The Jewish man nods.

Here in the USSR, don't you have food to eat?

Yeah, I can't complain.

And here in the USSR, don't you have place to live?

Yeah, yeah, I can't complain.

And here in the USSR, don't you have job to work at?

Yeah, I can't complain.

So, Jew, why do you want to move to Israel?

Because There I can complain!

An American and a Soviet Russian were discussing the benefits of each country.

The American says "I like America because if I don't like the way things are going, I can walk into the White House, go up to the president's desk, and say 'Mr. President, I don't like the way you're running this country'
The Russian says "It's the same in the USSR! If I don't like the way things are going, I can go to the Kremlin Presidium, walk right up to the Presidium of the Supreme Soviet, and say 'Members of the Presidium, I do not like the way that the American president is running his country'"

A great tragedy befalls the USSR

At a Central Committee meeting dozens of high ranking officials were accidentally killed, poisoned with toxic mushrooms in their soup.
The investigation team arrives at the scene. It was horrific, some had scratched their throats deeply, other lay with foam at they mouth or bloodshot eyes.
But the investigation teams discovers something interesting, three of the dead had gun shot wound to their heads.
"What happened here, we thought this was a poisoning?"
"It was, but these three refused to eat their soup."

Contrary to popular belief, Santa was born in the USSR.

If you had to deliver that many gifts in one night, you'd be Russian around too.

My girlfriend told me she would break up with me if I kept telling jokes about the USSR

Soviet

What's Putin's favorite Beatles song?

Back in the USSR

A Finnish joke from the Cold War

During the Cold War, a foreign journalist asked a Finnish general what Finland would do if the USSR and NATO would fight a war in Finland.

He replied first we would beat out NATO, and then the Soviets .

The journalist was surprised about the order and asked why.

We are civilized people. Work comes before pleasure , the general replied.

As leader of the USSR, Gorbachev was allowed to conduct weddings

He liked to keep them brief:

Gorbachev: You want to marry her?

Groom: Da

Gorbachev: You want to marry him ?

Bride: Da

Gorbachev: Then so be it.

He was a master of the So-be-it union

German tourists are travelling to USSR for the first time

They decide to go by train to see the scenery. After few hours the train stops. The train just stands there for 4 hours without any sign of moving. Eventually one of the Germans approaches the conductor and asks, what is happening:

''The driver is exchanging the locomotive''

''For 4 hours?''

''For vodka''

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the ussr nikita puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working ussr communists piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes