ussr Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious ussr puns

In USSR we had this joke

An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart.
In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"


No one should have been surprised by the rise of the USSR after World War II.

I mean, there were red flags everywhere.


If the USSR suddenly came back together...

... it should be called the Soviet Reunion.


In USSR we had a joke

A terminally ill jewish man is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wishes to join the Communist Party. A partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he takes the membership card and presses it against his heart. In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist dies"


If the USSR were to become a country again...

...would it be called the Soviet Reunion?


Back in the days of the USSR, two men stood in a block-long line for cucumbers...

Suddenly one of them snaps, and yells "This is an outrage! Waiting for hours for a couple of lousy cucumbers! I'm going to the Kremlin to assassinate the fools responsible for this!" and stomps off. A couple hours later, he's back.
One of the other people in line asks "Did you kill the guy in the Kremlin?"
The first guy responds "You think *this* line is long?"


What happens when the USSR gets back together?

A Soviet Reunion.


If it ever returned, what would we call the USSR?

The Soviet Reunion


Kennedy's USSR joke

A man runs into the the Kremlin yelling, "the Premiere is an idiot the Premiere is an idiot".
The man was immidetaly arrested by the KGB and sentenced to 23 years in prison.
3 years for insulting a high ranking member of the party and 20 years for divulging a state secret.


Old Soviet joke - Children in the USSR

Back in Soviet Russia, little Misha is being read to by his babysitter. She reads: 'In the USSR, kindegardens are filled with wonderful toys.'
Misha listens with bright eyes.
'In the USSR, every child has a brand new bicycle.'
Little Misha opens his eyes even wider.
'In the USSR, every child drinks hot cocoa for breakfast.'
Little Misha starts crying his eyes out, bawling:
'I want to go to the USSR!'


3 spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR.

After a week they were captured and put in jail. The Russians took the English spy, tied and tortured him and after 20 minutes he gave all the info.

Then the Russians took the French spy. They tied and tortured him, and after 20 minutes he too gave all the info.

Then they took the Italian spy and did the same to him, but he didnt give any info. They kept torturing him for 3 hours but with no luck. Eventually they gave up and put him back in the cell.

The 2 other spies asked him How did you do that? They tortured us like crazy! The Italian replied: I wanted to give all my info, but they tied my hands and so I couldn't speak.


When I immigrated to the US from the USSR, I went to my first American restaurant...

They asked me, "How many in your party?"
I replied, "60 million."


Mikhail Gorbachev wakes up late after a long night of worrying about the fate of the USSR over a bottle of vodka.

He's so late, in fact, that he tells his slow-driving limo driver to get out of the car so he can drive himself to the Kremlin. He's speeding down the highway from his dacha into downtown Moscow when he blazes past a cop car on the side of the road.

The first cop says to his partner, "Man, that guy's moving. Let's drive after him and give him a ticket!"

The partner says, "I don't know, man, with a limo like that, he's probably someone really important."

The other copy says, "I don't care, you heard what the party boss said in our monthly meeting. No more special treatment for officials, and plus, the USSR needs all the money we can get if we want to defeat the capitalists."

So they speed off after the limo and pull it over. The partner gets out of the car, walks up to the limo, and quickly turns back after just a few words with the driver without issuing a ticket. When he gets back to the cop car, his partner says, "What was that? I thought we said no special breaks! Who could be so important that you didn't give them a ticket?"

"I don't know," said the other cop, "but his driver was Gorbachev!"


Did you know that the USSR had some of the world's best bakeries?

People would stand in line all week just to get a single slice of bread!


USSR jokes about America

My dad told me this one was a classic when he lived in the former Soviet Union:

So as you know, Russia and America would send spies against each other frequently. All American spies were mandated to learn Russian and all Russians English.

Well so, the American spy gets dropped off in the middle of Siberia. Freezing, he goes to the nearest house and knocks.

When the owner gets to the door, the spy says, "May I please have some shelter and food?"

The owner of the house replies, "..........YOU MUST BE SPY!"

The spy immediately is baffled and attempts to cover up, "What are you talking about?!"

"No black man speaks Russian!"


What would the reunification of the USSR be called?

The Soviet Reunion


Jokes from glorious motherland USSR

A man is walking along the road wearing only one boot. 'Did you lose a boot?' a passerby asks sympathetically. 'No, I found one,' the man answers happily.

What is it that doesn't knock, growl or scratch the floor? A machine made in the USSR for knocking, growling, and scratching the floor.

It is the middle of the night. There is a knock at the door. Everyone leaps out of bed. Papa goes shakily to the door. 'It's all right,' he says, coming back. 'The building's on fire.'

A shopper asks a food store clerk, 'Are you all out of meat again?' 'No, they're out of meat in the store across the way. Here we're out of fish.'

Why doesn't the Soviet Union send people to the Moon? They are afraid they won't come back.

A man fell asleep on a bus. When someone stepped on his foot, he woke with a start and applauded. 'What are you doing, citizen?' 'I was dreaming I was at a meeting.'

'What is the difference between Pravda [Truth] and Izvestia [The News]?'
'There is no truth in The News, and no news in the Truth.'


A commissar goes to a collective farm...

... And hails a farmer to ask about how his village's farms are doing.

The farmer says "Oh Comrade Commissar, if we stacked all the potatoes in a pile, it would reach the foot of God!"

The commissar raises an eyebrow and says "Comrade farmer, we live in the USSR. There is no god."

The farmer replied: "That's okay, there are no potatoes either."


In the USSR we had this joke

But we were keeping it to ourselves so they confiscated it, and threw us in jail.


The USSR just got back together!

It's the Soviet Reunion


Americans go hiking in the USSR

A group of american tourists came to the USSR and decided to go hiking in a traditional Soviet way. They got the tents, vodka, made a camp in the forest.

Suddenly a huge bear appears from the bushes, starts to roar and ruins the camp in a few seconds. The americans run as fast as they can followed by the bear.

They run across a clearing where a group of soviet guys are having their drinks and barbeque. As they cross the clearing the americans accidently overturn bottles of booze, tear the tents and break the guitar. The russians are getting mad and start the chase. As they overtake the americans a fight begins. The russians fiercely beat everyone until the last american is lying on the floor unconscious.

While returning to the camp one of the russians says to his friend:

-You know, comrade Vasiliy, this american almost beat the shit out of me...

-Which american, comrade Nikolai?

-The tall one in a fur coat!


Old USSR joke about free speech

In America you have freedom of speech. You can stand in front of the White House and say: "Reagan Sucks."

In Soviet Russia, you also have freedom of speech. You can stand in front of the Kremlin and say: "Reagan Sucks."


A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.

The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite impressed.

The Cuban takes out a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas. Nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigare and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack of havanas thru the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.

At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it...


Why did World War II last so long?

Because the USSR kept Stalin.


Did you know that the USSR produced the best bread in the world?

Why, people would stand in line for days for just a single piece!


USSR Joke Adapted For 2018

On a tour of Washington D.C. a young man lags behind the tour group to take a longer look at the White House. However, he was quite upset with the President and in a moment of anger he shouts across the lawn "The President is a disgusting pig". As he turns to walk away the D.C. police quickly arrest the man and he is taken before a judge. The Judge takes a cursory glance at the charges and sentences the man to 4 years in prison. In disbelief he yells to the judge "I didn't know insulting the President was a crime". The Judge lowers his glasses and says "Insulting the President isn't a crime, but revealing state secrets is".


'What Will Communism Be Like?'- A Russian Joke

One day, as a young man, Ivan asked a member of the Party, "What will it be like once we have built communism?". The Party man replied, "The shops will be full of goods, and we will have no money". Four decades passed, and the Soviet Union fell. After the fall of the USSR, Ivan found himself walking the streets of Moscow. He looked at the shops, and he felt in his pockets, and smiled. "Comrades", he said, "We have built communism at last!"


Why there were no pharmacies in USSR?

Because you can't take pills on an empty stomach


Did you know that the USSR produced the best bread in the world?

It was so good, people would wait in line for days for a single piece!


Armenian Radio

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: We are told that the communism is already seen at the horizon.

Then, what is a horizon?

We're answering: Horizon is an imaginary line which moves away each time you approach it.

**And another one for good measure.**

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: What is the difference between the Constitutions of the USA and USSR?

Both guarantee freedom of speech.

We're answering: Yes, but the Constitution of the USA also guarantees freedom after the speech.


With Vladimir Putin so eager to restore ties, I think the U.S and Russia should form one country.

We can call it The United States of Soviet Russia! USSR for short.


At the rise of the USSR....

Vodka prices were raised. One day a man came home, and was complaining about it. In response his daughter asked, "Daddy, does this mean you're gonna drink less?"
he responded, "no this means you're gonna eat less."


A French spy, an English spy, and an Italian spy were sent to the USSR.

Unfortunately, they were caught within a few days and held in captivity for a week. Then they were tortured for information.

The French spy was first. They tied him, tortured him, and after 20 minutes he gave them all his information.

The English spy fared the same. After being tied and tortured for 20 minutes, he gave in and gave up all his information.

But when they tried the same with the Italian, he refused to give up anything and stayed tied to the chair for 3 hours until the Russians gave up and threw him back in the cell.

"How did you do that!" The other two were amazed at his endurance. "I wanted to give up all my information," replied the Italian. "But they tied my hands, so I couldn't talk."


During the communist rule

in the USSR a big assembly was held and members of the communist party were giving speeches to the general public. The highest ranking official was making his speech and he proclaimed "soon we will live even better!". This was followed by a voice from the audience "and what about us?!"


A man who escapes from the USSR is being interviewed by an American journalist

Journalist: So, how is life in the Soviet Union?

Man: Well, I can't complain

Journalist: But, I have heard that in your country there is often not enough food and long lines. Is this true?

Man: I can't complain

Journalist: In the USA there are rumours that people that oppose your leaders gets killed or just disappears. Do you know anything about this?

Man: Can't complain about it

Journalist (now frustrated) : But why did you escape? Based on this interview, life is great over there

Man (Smiling) : Because here I can complain


What are the most funny Ussr jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Ussr? Well, here are the best Ussr dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Ussr pick up lines to share with friends.

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