Ush Jokes
95 ush jokes and hilarious ush puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about ush that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Ush Funny Jokes to Tell Your Friends and Kids.
What is a good ush joke to make people laugh? Check out this list of funny stories that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth.
Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that's draped in bacon. A bacon tree ! We're saved! He says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.
It wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.
I told my gf that i had a crush on beyonce!
And she said to me "Whatever floats your boat"
And i said "No that's **Buoyancy**"
I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself...
my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.
He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.
Am I in heaven? asks the disoriented priest.
No says one of the nurses. We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward.
If Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani, Bill Barr, Stephen Miller, and Jared Kushner we're on Air Force One together and the plane were to suddenly c**..., who would survive?
The United States of America.
My marriage is over.
I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.
I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight
Unless you're prepared for the Reaper cushions
In USSR we had this joke
An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart.
In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"
What's the difference between a lobster and a chinese man who's been run over by a bus?
One's a crustacean, the other's a crushed Asian.
My crush told me that I'm pretty.
Well, the whole sentence was "you're pretty annoying", but I focus only on the positive things.
I dated a girl in a wheelchair
She broke up with me because I kept pushing her around.
I said, "why don't you stand up for yourself?"
What rock group has four men that don't sing?
Mount Rushmore.
A joke I remember making up when I was 7 : What do you get when a giant steps on a house?
Mushrooms
A cat walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "what'll you have?"
The cat says, "A shot of r**...."
The bartender pours the cat his drink.
The cat slowly pushes the shot off the table.
"Another."
I met a magical genie once. He gave me one wish. I said "I wish I could be you"
The genue saud, "weurd wush but U wull grant ut."
I met a girl at a bar and we went back to hers and started making out on the sofa, she gave me a cheeky look and said ''I think we should take this upstairs''
Ok, I said, you carry one end and I'll get the other, be careful getting through the doorframe and we'll come back down for the cushions.
My wife shouted at me to go out and find her some tampons, quick!
So, I sprinted to the car, paced down the street, rushed into the store, frantically looking down each aisle until I finally got to the tampons, hurried back to my car and raced home as fast as I could! I burst in through the front door, ran up the stairs, slammed open the bathroom door and shouted, "Walmart, halfway down aisle 10, bottom shelf!"
What's the first thing you do after waking up and the last thing you do before going to bed?
Nephew: Brushing your teeth!
Mom: oh honey that's not a joke.
Nephew: it is if you think that's what I do!
A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub
The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren't mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"
The cop, obviously in disbelief, tells the woman, "Show me."
So the woman tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the woman's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"
Dont challange Death to a pillow fight
...Unless you want to deal with the Reaper cushions.
My uncle was taking our picture at a dairy farm in Wisconsin when he was crushed by a giant wheel of cheese.
We tried to warn him.
My crush just sneezed and I accidentally replied "bless you !"
Now she's staring at the bush, wondering who said that.
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