Useless Jokes
140 useless jokes and hilarious useless puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about useless that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Don't be the only one in the room without a good sense of humor! Learn about the best useless jokes, facts and inventions. With topics ranging from useless husbands to useless jobs, this article is sure to have something to make you smile. Read on to find out what jokes will make you laugh out loud, and discover the world of impotent, pander and senseless humor.
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Funniest Useless Short Jokes
Short useless jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The useless humour may include short pointless jokes also.
- If you ever feel useless...
Just remember that it took the US 4 presidents, Trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and 20 years to replace the Taliban with...
the Taliban - I told my friend I have an acute sense of when a deep hole with water is nearby. He said thats a useless ability. I'm well aware
- I tried changing my password to "Twilight". It said "Error: contains too many useless characters"
- Google is useless... I tried looking up lighters and all they had was 48,200,000 matches.
- Just tried to change my password to.. Just tried to change my password to.. 'The_Last_Jedi,' but Facebook wouldn't let me. Said there are too many useless characters.
- Trump's wall will be useless since it doesn't extend into the oceans..... Everyone knows Jesus can walk on water.
- Tinder is completely useless, and I don't have a single match If I don't find another way to start a campfire tonight, I'll freeze to death.
- I've been researching some useless facts... Want some examples?
I have found out that there are over 10,000 different types of lice.
And that's just off the top of my head. - My high school guidance counselor told me I'll always be useless So I became a guidance counselor.
- What's the difference between a useless golfer and a useless skydiver? The home golfer goes WHACK! "Oh no!" Whereas with the skydiver it's vice versa
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Useless One Liners
Which useless one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with useless? I can suggest the ones about unnecessary and meaningless.
- eBay is so useless I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 18,061 matches
- A history degree is useless There's no future in it.
- Fidget spinners are useless Says the generation that bought 1.5 million pet rocks.
- A Pure Mathematics degree is useless… I want a Pure mathematics radian.
- calculator are useless What I need is a calcunow
- I lost 130 pounds of useless fat! Divorce is great!
- I wanted to see if this Hindi joke still works in English My son.
Nope, still useless. - If you ever feel useless, remember there is a hotel in North Korea
- How did the cow feel when it couldn't produce milk? Udderly useless.
- I used to think maths was useless but then one day I realised that decimals had a point
- I tried using a thesaurus to find synonyms for useless. The result was futile.
- A useless blood vessel is found dead It died in vein
- If you're ever feeling useless Remember the ueue in queue .
- What does the Chicago Cubs's name stand for? Completely Useless By September
- I just lost 150 pounds of useless, life draining fat I got a divorce.
Useless Things Jokes
Here is a list of funny useless things jokes and even better useless things puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's the most useless thing about a knife? The 'K'
- School bullying ME: The bullies at school stole my lunch money again.
DAD: Did you tell anyone?
ME: Yes, but they just say things like "be strong", "stop crying", and "you're a useless teacher . - Why you should date a girl who loves the houseplant? Because she learned to take care a useless thing that sits in the house and do nothing.
- What are three most useless things in aviation? The runway behind you.
The altitude above you.
The fuel back at the fbo still in the fuel truck. - What's the most useless thing ever? Anne Frank's drum kit.
- It's a huge flex to spend a lot on something effectively useless, dirty, loud, and ugly. It's a thing of beauty to see you have such a strong mutual relationship with your mother.
- Pie Charte are useless except for one thing They're great at visualising round numbers
Useless Job Jokes
Here is a list of funny useless job jokes and even better useless job puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I was disappointed when it turned out the axe I bought to climb with was useless for the job... it was an anti-climb axe
- Hired an odd-job man the other but he was useless Gave him eight jobs to do but he only did 1,3,5 and 7
- Me and my twin brother are 20 years old and never had a job or girlfriend. Today my dad said if he knew we would have turned out so useless he would have named us thoughts and prayers.
- Whats the worlds most useless job? installing BMW turn signals.
- If you ever feel useless, just remember someone's job is installing turn signals on new BMWs
- Teachers make no money because... Their job is useless! Haha lol! :(
Useless Men Jokes
Here is a list of funny useless men jokes and even better useless men puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Men are like steel They're useless when they lose their temper
Great Useless Jokes to Share, Laugh and Enjoy with Friends
What funny jokes about useless you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean fruitless jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make useless pranks.
At first I thought my therapy for Stockholm syndrome was useless
But now I kind of like it.
A computer is like air-conditioning.
It becomes useless when you open windows.
Which farming is useless and looked down by everyone?
Karma Farming
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the most useless thing on a woman?
A drunken Irishmen at 3am.
[EDIT]: This isn't meant to be sexist, it is self-defamation.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you make a flute player a percussionist?
Put another useless stick in their hand.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How are men like fuses?
Once they're blown, they're useless.
Mathematician joke.
A chemist and a physicist are lost in an unknown area. They see someone and decide to ask for help. "Excuse me, but can you tell us where we are?", asks the chemist. "Sure, you are here", replied the man and leaves. "That man is a mathematician", the chemist tells the physicist, "how do you know?", "What he told us is true and makes sense, but it is useless."
What is the most useless superpower?
America.
Tinder is such an useless app
The only match it gave me was of my wife..
Me: Dad, How did you guys manage without Whatsapp & Facebook?
My Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
What do Stephan Harper and pennies have in common?
They're both useless in Canada.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Incognito mode on google chrome is useless..
Everyone in the library can still see me w**...
What's the difference between a garbage truck and a school bus?
One goes around neighborhoods picking up useless pieces of garbage that nobody wants in their houses anymore..
And the other's a garbage truck.
I bought an official Craig David fridge recently, and it's useless!
It only chills on Sundays!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Useless People
One useless person is useless.
Two useless people are a law firm.
Hundreds of useless people are Congress.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's more useless than a c**... at a feminist rally?
Everyone there.
What would be the most useless superpower?
How about the ability to go invisible, but it only works while you're playing a trumpet.
Math joke
My Calculus teacher told me:"Degrees are essentially useless in this class, we will use radians instead."
I replied:"Is that why you're teaching Calculus?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Nooo s**...…me buying too much stuff?!
My wife was complaining about the fact that I'm buying too much useless stuff on the internet…..
So I sent her back to Thailand.
A hero without a villain becomes useless. A villain without a hero becomes..
The government.
Comedy is like a baby shower
Useless if the delivery goes wrong
People are like a crayons
The white ones are useless.
Spacesuits are useless...
They protect you from literally nothing.
A critic goes to an art gallery and finds the artist of the pieces there.
Critic: "Would you like to know what I think of your art?"
Artist: "Oh, yes please"
Critic: "It's useless"
Artist: "I know, but I would still like to hear it. "
If you ever feel useless...
Remember there is a someone in the BMW factory installing turn signals.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If you ever feel useless
Remember the guys who work at BMW to install the turn signals
A fork and a knife's conversation
Knife: forks are basically useless.
Fork: why? What will people eat with?
Knife:with their hands.
Fork: you've got a point
What do you call a Paper Clip that is not used for paper?
Useless.
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My wife shouted at me...
You're so useless! You never tidy up or help with the housework, you're lazy and s**... and I bet you don't even know how to keep a house tidy!
I decided to prove her wrong so I did the washing up, ha! You should have seen her face when I showed her I knew how to load the dishes into the tumble dryer...
I told me math teacher he was like an extraneous solution
He was useless and part of every problem.
Hey, dad.
"Dad, is there a word to describe answers that are completely correct but entirely useless under the circumstances?"
"Yes, son, yes there is."
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
As a man, I've renamed my n**... Thoughts and Prayers.
...because they're useless.
My friend tried telling me shovels are useless.
But I truly believe it was a ground breaking invention.
I'm not completely useless...
I can be used as a bad example.
Disclaimer: I heard this somewhere before.
What's useless, useless and also useless?
An empty thesaurus.
This book of incantations is useless.
The author failed to run a spell check.
My mathematics teacher was useless
She always went off on tangents
What do you call a badass who kills monsters and knows lots of useless information?
Geralt of Trivia
My friend told me that paper is useless since he carries an ipad
When he asked for toilet paper i gave him his ipad
Comparing subjects that are apples to oranges isn't useless
It can lead to a fruitful discussion
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I just bought an undiscovered Stradivarius and an original Rembrandt!
Unfortunately, on further investigation I was able to discover that Rembrandt made useless violins and Stradivarius painted like a pre-schooler.
In this day and age, keeping a paper thesaurus around the house is as useless as....
Um....as useless.....as.....um.....
How many cryptocurrency holders does it take to change a lightbulb?
Trick question. It never gets changed. The bulb is purchased but sits in the box for years until it's useless.
I just bought a U2 GPS system for my car
But it's useless. The streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.
Problems of language ( sorry for bad english)
Two Hungaryan policeman stops a car. The driver cant speak hungaryan so he tries to speak in english. The two policeman cant understan it and they just looking at the guy. Then the driver speaks to them in german, french, and a bunch of other languages. The policemen let him go. Then one of them says: Shouldnt we learn any languages? The other says: Why sould we? That guy knows so many languages but they still useless.
We live on a tiny, useless ball of rocks and water, floating through the vast expanse of outer space
But it means the world to us.
Man, I hate this new thesaurus I got
I can't even find the words to describe how useless it is.
My girlfriend wanted to get rid of all the useless stuff in the house
so i am now homeless
College life for introverts
1st year - People are so good to me. I feel I am respected a lot! Friends are bliss!
2nd year - People are distancing from me. I guess they don't like me. I've to find new people I suppose.
3rd year - Should I change my attitude to get friends? I don't know why I get cheated everytime I trust someone.
4th year - Who needs friends? People are useless. Solitude is the best.
My friend asked me if i knew what a useless elephant was called
To which i responded "why should i care? Its irrelephant"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If you ever feel useless, just remember...
... there is an anti-t**... squad in Pakistan
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a civil engineer were having a drink after work
As they drank, the conversation turned to God. Obviously, he was an engineer! But what sort of engineer?
The mechanical engineer brought up the perfection of the human joints and musculature. Surely that proved God was a mechanical engineer!
The electrical engineer responded that, without the brains and nerves, those muscles and joints would be useless. God must be an electrical engineer!
The civil engineer just looked at the two of them and shook his head. "Who else but a civil engineer would put the sewer outflow right in the middle of the entertainment district?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's black and completely useless to society?
Decaf coffee... obviously.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a useless star?
A waste of space.
... but some call him Justin Bieber.
