Useless Jokes

eBay is so useless

I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 18,061 matches

I bet you can't name a useless, non functioning member of society.

My parents did.

My mother used to say the way to a mans heart is through his stomach. Lovely woman.

Useless surgeon.

As a man, I've renamed my nipples Thoughts and Prayers.

...because they're useless.

What do the NBA and a box of crayons have in common?

The whites are useless.

I tried changing my password to "Twilight".

It said "Error: contains too many useless characters"

Tried to change my password to Twilight...

...but got an error message saying please re-enter as this contains too many useless characters :(

Fidget spinners are useless

Says the generation that bought 1.5 million pet rocks.

Google is useless...

I tried looking up lighters and all they had was 48,200,000 matches.

Just tried to change my password to..

Just tried to change my password to.. 'The_Last_Jedi,' but Facebook wouldn't let me. Said there are too many useless characters.

Trump's wall will be useless since it doesn't extend into the oceans.....

Everyone knows Jesus can walk on water.

What's more useless than a Gender Studies degree?

the feminist holding it

What's more useless than a condom at a feminist rally?

Everyone there.

I've been researching some useless facts...

Want some examples?
I have found out that there are over 10,000 different types of lice.

And that's just off the top of my head.

Remember…you are not completely useless.

You can always serve as a bad example.

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a civil engineer were having a drink after work

As they drank, the conversation turned to God. Obviously, he was an engineer! But what sort of engineer?

The mechanical engineer brought up the perfection of the human joints and musculature. Surely that proved God was a mechanical engineer!

The electrical engineer responded that, without the brains and nerves, those muscles and joints would be useless. God must be an electrical engineer!

The civil engineer just looked at the two of them and shook his head. "Who else but a civil engineer would put the sewer outflow right in the middle of the entertainment district?"

My high school guidance counselor told me I'll always be useless

So I became a guidance counselor.

Mathematician joke.

A chemist and a physicist are lost in an unknown area. They see someone and decide to ask for help. "Excuse me, but can you tell us where we are?", asks the chemist. "Sure, you are here", replied the man and leaves. "That man is a mathematician", the chemist tells the physicist, "how do you know?", "What he told us is true and makes sense, but it is useless."

What's the difference between a useless golfer and a useless skydiver?

The home golfer goes WHACK! "Oh no!" Whereas with the skydiver it's vice versa

Me: Dad, How did you guys manage without Whatsapp & Facebook?

My Dad:Β We used to keep useless information to ourselves.

A critic goes to an art gallery and finds the artist of the pieces there.

Critic: "Would you like to know what I think of your art?"
Artist: "Oh, yes please"
Critic: "It's useless"
Artist: "I know, but I would still like to hear it. "

I was disappointed when it turned out the axe I bought to climb with was useless for the job...

it was an anti-climb axe

Calculators are useless

What I need is a calcunow

I lost 130 pounds of useless fat!

Divorce is great!

I wanted to see if this Hindi joke still works in English

My son.

Nope, still useless.

What's black and completely useless to society?

Decaf coffee... obviously.

If you ever feel useless, remember

there is a hotel in North Korea

Is there a word to describe answers that are completely correct but entirely useless?

Yes, there is.

I lost 140 unwanted, useless, life-sucking pounds - in only 6 weeks!

I got a divorce.

How did the cow feel when it couldn't produce milk?

Udderly useless.

My girlfriend wanted to get rid of all the useless stuff in the house

so i am now homeless

What do you call a cow that can't produce milk?

Udderly useless.

I used to think maths was useless

but then one day I realised that decimals had a point

Math joke

My Calculus teacher told me:"Degrees are essentially useless in this class, we will use radians instead."
I replied:"Is that why you're teaching Calculus?"

I tried using a thesaurus to find synonyms for useless.

The result was futile.

What would be the most useless superpower?

How about the ability to go invisible, but it only works while you're playing a trumpet.

You're as useless as...

Anne Frank's drumset

I bought an official Craig David fridge recently, and it's useless!

It only chills on Sundays!

I just bought a U2 GPS system for my car

But it's useless. The streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

At first I thought my therapy for Stockholm syndrome was useless

But now I kind of like it.

I met a disgruntled farmer in the pub today

You look disgruntled, I said. What's the story?

I ordered a couple of tons of manure, he replied gloomily. It arrived today.

Is that bad?

Well, you see, it was fake.

Fake?

Yes, fake manure.

I didn't even know that was a thing.

Well, it is. And it's useless for farming.

U'm sorry to hear that.

After a long pause, he spoke again. But on the bright side, my hair is insanely soft.

What's that got to do with anything? I asked, puzzled.

Well, it's all thanks to the sham poo.

A useless blood vessel is found dead

It died in vein

If you ever feel useless...

Remember there is a someone in the BMW factory installing turn signals.

I just lost 130 pounds of useless fat, that was sucking the life out of me

I got a divorce

If you're ever feeling useless

Remember the ueue in queue .

Some people are like slinkies.

They're totally useless, but they can still put a smile on your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

Man, I hate this new thesaurus I got

I can't even find the words to describe how useless it is.

I just lost 150 pounds of useless, life draining fat

I got a divorce.

Government

The federal government is sending most Americans a $1200 rebate.
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China.
If we spend it on gasoline it goes to the Arabs.
If we buy a computer it will go to India.
If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras
and Guatemala.
If we purchase a good car it will go to Germany.
If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan and none of it
will help the American economy.

The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on
prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced
in US.
I've been doing my part, and I thank you for your help,

Me and my twin brother are 20 years old and never had a job or girlfriend.

Today my dad said if he knew we would have turned out so useless he would have named us thoughts and prayers.

We live on a tiny, useless ball of rocks and water, floating through the vast expanse of outer space

But it means the world to us.

What does the Chicago Cubs's name stand for?

Completely Useless By September

Whats the worlds most useless job?

installing BMW turn signals.

I tried to teach my dog to dance today.

It was useless. He's got two left feet.

What's the most useless thing on a woman?

A drunken Irishmen at 3am.

[EDIT]: This isn't meant to be sexist, it is self-defamation.

So there are two blondes stranded on an island....

One of them finds a lamp, rubs it, and a genie pops out. He says, "I shall grant you each one wish". The blonde who rubbed the lamp requests a cell phone to call for help, however, it was useless because there was no reception on the island. The second blonde said, "I want to be smarter than this other blonde!" So, the genie pointed her to the bridge.

A hero without a villain becomes useless. A villain without a hero becomes..

The government.

The final cookie

A man near death smelled his wife baking his favorite cookies down stairs. He decided if he was going to go he would have one last cookie before he went. He dragged his mostly useless body down the stairs and crawled to the counter where he knew the cookies were on the cooling rack. As he reached for a final treat his wife smacked him on the hand with a wooden spoon and said, "Those are for your funeral guests".

I tried to play frisbee with my dog today but he was useless.

I think I need a flatter dog.

Useless in the Parking Lot

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter.

When returning to her car she found that she had locked herkeys in the car. She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter.

She didn't know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to do. The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse.

She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car.

Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."

So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.

The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.

The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened.

She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank you so much! You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God!

"You even sent me a Professional!"

A fork and a knife's conversation

Knife: forks are basically useless.

Fork: why? What will people eat with?

Knife:with their hands.

Fork: you've got a point

How do you make a flute player a percussionist?

Put another useless stick in their hand.

What do you call a Paper Clip that is not used for paper?

Useless.

Whenever you feel useless just remember.

Everyone is here for a reason.
Yours is to make others feel useful.

The 4th of July is an annual reminder

of how useless my dog would be in a war.

Incognito mode on google chrome is useless..

Everyone in the library can still see me wanking

If you ever feel useless

Remember the guys who work at BMW to install the turn signals

What's the most useless thing about a knife?

The 'K'

In retrospect, I should have known rubbing ketchup on my eyes would be useless.

Oh well, Heinz-sight is 20/20 I guess.

I bet you can't name an entierly useless member of soceity.

My parents did.

Some people are like Slinkys...

Totally useless, but still fun to push down the stairs.

My new Fleetwood Mac satnav is useless.

It just keeps telling me I can go my own way.



>!(Also, you can enjoy the earworm)!<

What was one of the greatest inventions of all time, yet was completely useless when it was first made?

The telephone, who r u gonna call?

Useless People

One useless person is useless.
Two useless people are a law firm.
Hundreds of useless people are Congress.

In this day and age, keeping a paper thesaurus around the house is as useless as....

Um....as useless.....as.....um.....

eBay is useless...

...I wanted lighters but all they had were 31,415 matches.

School bullying

ME: The bullies at school stole my lunch money again.

DAD: Did you tell anyone?

ME: Yes, but they just say things like "be strong", "stop crying", and "you're a useless teacher .

I'm not completely useless...

I can be used as a bad example.

Disclaimer: I heard this somewhere before.

Hey, dad.

"Dad, is there a word to describe answers that are completely correct but entirely useless under the circumstances?"

"Yes, son, yes there is."

Comedy is like a baby shower

Useless if the delivery goes wrong

College life for introverts

1st year - People are so good to me. I feel I am respected a lot! Friends are bliss!

2nd year - People are distancing from me. I guess they don't like me. I've to find new people I suppose.

3rd year - Should I change my attitude to get friends? I don't know why I get cheated everytime I trust someone.

4th year - Who needs friends? People are useless. Solitude is the best.

If you think that your job is useless and does not make any difference in the world,

consider that there are people out there making turn signals for BMW.

My friend tried telling me shovels are useless.

But I truly believe it was a ground breaking invention.

What's the difference between a garbage truck and a school bus?

One goes around neighborhoods picking up useless pieces of garbage that nobody wants in their houses anymore..
And the other's a garbage truck.

Pumping up his stomach

A little boy walks in on his parents having sex and the mother throws on a robe and rushes him out of the room. "I was just hopping on daddy's big belly to make it smaller" she says, but the little boy tells her "That's useless because every time you go shopping the neighbor lady comes and gets on her knees and blows it right back up!"

After dinner I started to pack the dirty dishes into the dishwasher, when it suddenly started talking!

In a really dejected, pitiful voice it told me, "Don't bother pal, I'm useless. I'll never get that crusty lasagne off that pan. I'm terrible. The glassware will all have water spots by the time I'm done. I'm the worst appliance in this house!!"

I said, "What's wrong with you?!"

"Nothing, I'm a self loathing dishwasher."

Co-Written by: IveyRoney

What do you call a useless star?

A waste of space.



... but some call him Justin Bieber.

My wife shouted at me...

You're so useless! You never tidy up or help with the housework, you're lazy and stupid and I bet you don't even know how to keep a house tidy!

I decided to prove her wrong so I did the washing up, ha! You should have seen her face when I showed her I knew how to load the dishes into the tumble dryer...

We have collected gags that can be used as Useless pranks to have fun with. If you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Useless, here are one liners and funny Useless pick up lines.

Joko Jokes