Great Useless Jokes to Share, Laugh and Enjoy with Friends
At first I thought my therapy for Stockholm syndrome was useless
But now I kind of like it.
eBay is so useless
I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 18,061 matches
Tried to change my password to Twilight...
...but got an error message saying please re-enter as this contains too many useless characters :(
What's the most useless thing on a woman?
A drunken Irishmen at 3am.
[EDIT]: This isn't meant to be sexist, it is self-defamation.
How do you make a flute player a percussionist?
Put another useless stick in their hand.
I lost 130 pounds of useless fat!
Divorce is great!
So there are two blondes stranded on an island....
One of them finds a lamp, rubs it, and a genie pops out. He says, "I shall grant you each one wish". The blonde who rubbed the lamp requests a cell phone to call for help, however, it was useless because there was no reception on the island. The second blonde said, "I want to be smarter than this other blonde!" So, the genie pointed her to the bridge.
What does the Chicago Cubs's name stand for?
Completely Useless By September
I've been researching some useless facts...
Want some examples?
I have found out that there are over 10,000 different types of lice.
And that's just off the top of my head.
I lost 140 unwanted, useless, life-s**... pounds - in only 6 weeks!
I got a divorce.
I just lost 150 pounds of useless, life draining fat
I got a divorce.
You can explore useless senseless reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean useless pointless dad jokes. There are also useless puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
The final cookie
A man near death smelled his wife baking his favorite cookies down stairs. He decided if he was going to go he would have one last cookie before he went. He dragged his mostly useless body down the stairs and crawled to the counter where he knew the cookies were on the cooling rack. As he reached for a final treat his wife smacked him on the hand with a wooden spoon and said, "Those are for your f**... guests".
I just lost 130 pounds of useless fat, that was s**... the life out of me
I got a divorce
What do you call a cow that can't produce milk?
Udderly useless.
Mathematician joke.
A chemist and a physicist are lost in an unknown area. They see someone and decide to ask for help. "Excuse me, but can you tell us where we are?", asks the chemist. "Sure, you are here", replied the man and leaves. "That man is a mathematician", the chemist tells the physicist, "how do you know?", "What he told us is true and makes sense, but it is useless."
I used to think maths was useless
but then one day I realised that decimals had a point
Me: Dad, How did you guys manage without Whatsapp & Facebook?
My Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
I tried changing my password to "Twilight".
It said "Error: contains too many useless characters"
Incognito mode on google chrome is useless..
Everyone in the library can still see me w**...
A useless blood vessel is found dead
It died in vein
What's the difference between a garbage truck and a school bus?
One goes around neighborhoods picking up useless pieces of garbage that nobody wants in their houses anymore..
And the other's a garbage truck.
What's the most useless thing about a knife?
The 'K'
I was disappointed when it turned out the axe I bought to climb with was useless for the job...
it was an anti-climb axe
Calculators are useless
What I need is a calcunow
I bought an official Craig David fridge recently, and it's useless!
It only chills on Sundays!
What's more useless than a c**... at a feminist rally?
Everyone there.
What would be the most useless superpower?
How about the ability to go invisible, but it only works while you're playing a trumpet.
Math joke
My Calculus teacher told me:"Degrees are essentially useless in this class, we will use radians instead."
I replied:"Is that why you're teaching Calculus?"
A hero without a villain becomes useless. A villain without a hero becomes..
The government.
How did the cow feel when it couldn't produce milk?
Udderly useless.
Whats the worlds most useless job?
installing BMW turn signals.
A critic goes to an art gallery and finds the artist of the pieces there.
Critic: "Would you like to know what I think of your art?"
Artist: "Oh, yes please"
Critic: "It's useless"
Artist: "I know, but I would still like to hear it. "
What's the difference between a useless golfer and a useless skydiver?
The home golfer goes WHACK! "Oh no!" Whereas with the skydiver it's vice versa
If you ever feel useless...
Remember there is a someone in the BMW factory installing turn signals.
If you ever feel useless
Remember the guys who work at BMW to install the turn signals
A fork and a knife's conversation
Knife: forks are basically useless.
Fork: why? What will people eat with?
Knife:with their hands.
Fork: you've got a point
What's more useless than a Gender Studies degree?
the feminist holding it
Trump's wall will be useless since it doesn't extend into the oceans.....
Everyone knows Jesus can walk on water.
I tried to teach my dog to dance today.
It was useless. He's got two left feet.
What do the NBA and a box of crayons have in common?
The w**... are useless.
Google is useless...
I tried looking up lighters and all they had was 48,200,000 matches.
You're as useless as...
Anne Frank's drumset
What do you call a Paper Clip that is not used for paper?
Useless.
My mother used to say the way to a mans heart is through his stomach. Lovely woman.
Useless surgeon.
My high school guidance counselor told me I'll always be useless
So I became a guidance counselor.
Remember…you are not completely useless.
You can always serve as a bad example.
As a man, I've renamed my n**... Thoughts and Prayers.
...because they're useless.
I tried to play frisbee with my dog today but he was useless.
I think I need a flatter dog.
I tried using a thesaurus to find synonyms for useless.
The result was futile.
I bet you can't name a useless, non functioning member of society.
My parents did.
Just tried to change my password to..
Just tried to change my password to.. 'The_Last_Jedi,' but Facebook wouldn't let me. Said there are too many useless characters.
Fidget spinners are useless
Says the generation that bought 1.5 million pet rocks.
Me and my twin brother are 20 years old and never had a job or girlfriend.
Today my dad said if he knew we would have turned out so useless he would have named us thoughts and prayers.
Some people are like slinkies.
They're totally useless, but they can still put a smile on your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
If you ever feel useless, remember
there is a hotel in North Korea
I just bought a U2 GPS system for my car
But it's useless. The streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.
We live on a tiny, useless ball of rocks and water, floating through the vast expanse of outer space
But it means the world to us.
Man, I hate this new thesaurus I got
I can't even find the words to describe how useless it is.
My girlfriend wanted to get rid of all the useless stuff in the house
so i am now homeless
If you're ever feeling useless
Remember the ueue in queue .
A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a civil engineer were having a drink after work
As they drank, the conversation turned to God. Obviously, he was an engineer! But what sort of engineer?
The mechanical engineer brought up the perfection of the human joints and musculature. Surely that proved God was a mechanical engineer!
The electrical engineer responded that, without the brains and nerves, those muscles and joints would be useless. God must be an electrical engineer!
The civil engineer just looked at the two of them and shook his head. "Who else but a civil engineer would put the sewer outflow right in the middle of the entertainment district?"
I bet you can't name an entierly useless member of soceity.
My parents did.
What's black and completely useless to society?
Decaf coffee... obviously.
What was one of the greatest inventions of all time, yet was completely useless when it was first made?
The telephone, who r u gonna call?
Whenever you feel useless just remember.
Everyone is here for a reason.
Yours is to make others feel useful.
Is there a word to describe answers that are completely correct but entirely useless?
Yes, there is.
I wanted to see if this Hindi joke still works in English
My son.
Nope, still useless.
The 4th of July is an annual reminder
of how useless my dog would be in a war.
In retrospect, I should have known rubbing ketchup on my eyes would be useless.
Oh well, Heinz-sight is 20/20 I guess.
eBay is so useless.
I tried to look up lighters, but all they had was 13,239 matches.
eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters
All I found is 13.749 matches.
My girlfriend said that if i got her another useless gift she would burn it...
That's why I got her a candle
Tinder is completely useless, and I don't have a single match
If I don't find another way to start a campfire tonight, I'll freeze to death.
A student says to the teacher, "you only teach useless c**..."
to which the teacher replies, "hey there no need to be so hard on yourself"
Hired an odd-job man the other but he was useless
Gave him eight jobs to do but he only did 1,3,5 and 7
Donald Trump's lawsuits are like his regular suits,
They all hang on something useless.
Allegedly John Adams
In my many years, I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress
Me: Mom, this is my girlfriend
Mom: Do you actually want to date this useless p**...?
Me: Ma, she is a very nice person!
Mom: I wasn't talking to you.
There once was a pirate named Bates
Who was learning to rhumba on skates
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.
eBay is useless.
I tried to look up lighters and all they had were 13,749 matches.
I told my friend I have an acute sense of when a deep hole with water is nearby. He said thats a useless ability.
I'm well aware
If you ever feel useless... Just remember that
If you ever feel useless...
Just remember that it took the US 4 presidents, Trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and 20 years to replace the Taliban with...
the Taliban
If you ever feel useless...
Just remember that it took the US 4 presidents, Trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and 20 years to replace the Taliban with...
the Taliban
A history degree is useless
Because there's no future in it.
A history degree is useless
There's no future in it.
I always thought orthotic insoles were useless. But, I tried them and now...
...I stand corrected
eBay is so useless.
I was just looking for a lighter, and all they had was 1327 matches.
What's the difference between a social media influencer and a philosophy major?
The philosophy major needed a degree to be useless.
Footballer to referee: Would you send me off if I said you were a useless cheat?
Referee: Yes.
Footballer: But you couldn't send me off for thinking it?
Referee: No.
Footballer: Right then, I think you're a useless cheat.
If you ever feel useless in life
Remember it is someone's job to install turn signals on BMW's
Q: What do computers and air conditioners have in common?
A: They both become useless when you open windows.
A centipede walked into a shop and asked for a pair of shoes.
The shopkeeper looked at him and checked it was just the one pair that the centipede wanted.
The centipede laughed and assured the shopkeeper that yes, although one pair would be useless for himself, the shoes were a birthday gift for someone else and that he did indeed only want one pair.
The shopkeeper laughed too. "Who's the lucky person you're buying for?" he asked.
"The millipede", replied the centipede. "I don't like him."
Why can't AI (Artificial Intelligence) replace managers?
because it's not designed to be useless
