Used Condoms Jokes

101 used condoms jokes and hilarious used condoms puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about used condoms that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Used Condoms Short Jokes

Short used condoms jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The used condoms humour may include short condoms jokes also.

  1. What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One is called a Goodyear, and the other is called a great year.
  2. Condoms 1272AD - arab Muslims invent the first condoms using the lower intestine of goats.
    1856AD - English farmers improve on the idea by first removing the intestine from the goat.
  3. Why don't Broward County police officers need to use condoms? Because no matter how dire the situation gets, they won't come inside.
  4. What do you do with 365 used condoms? Melt them down, make a tire and call it a Goodyear.
    (Yes, I have been waiting till the end of the year to write this)
  5. Condoms were invented by Arabic-Muslims sometime in the 1400s using lower goat intestine They were later improved by the British in 1873 by taking the intestine out of the goat first
  6. Did you know the first condoms were invented by the Welsh out of sheep's intestines? The English improved on the invention by taking the intestines out of the sheep before using them.
  7. What do condoms and turn signals have in common? If people used them, there would be less accidents
  8. Did you know that the very first condoms were invented by the Welsh, using sheep intestines? But it wasn't until the 19th century that the English perfected it by removing it from the sheep first
  9. I got kicked out of a store trying to buy condoms All I wanted was to use their fitting room!
  10. I brought home some Olympic condoms. I told my wife i was going to use the gold one. She said: "Maybe try the silver one, so you can finish second for once!"
    I'm still gold baby!

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Used Condoms One Liners

Which used condoms one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with used condoms? I can suggest the ones about wearing condoms and wear a condom.

  1. KID : What are condoms used for? DAD : To avoid such questions.
  2. What do you do with 365 used condoms? Roll them up into a tire and call it a Goodyear!
  3. Thank God lent is over.... not using condoms was definitely getting nerve-wracking.
  4. Use condoms: because if she'd sleep with you, she'd sleep with anyone.
  5. Why do gay men use ribbed condoms? Traction in the mud.
  6. How did you get pregnant ? Well those camouflage condoms my boyfriend used didn't work
  7. What type of condoms does Ronald mcdonald use? McRibbed
  8. I don't use condoms. They irritate my sores.
  9. Dad, what are condoms used for? Dad: usually to avoid answering questions like these
  10. What do you do with 365 used condoms? Make a Goodyear tire.
  11. What kind of condoms do frogs use? "Ribbed"
  12. Why do gay guys use ribbed condoms? Better traction in the mud.
  13. I don't like to use condoms... because I don't like the smell of burnt rubber.
  14. When do Catholics allow the use of condoms? When the choir boys have diarrhea.
  15. Condoms are for losers... Real men use diapers.

Used Condoms Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about used condoms you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean recycled jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make used condoms pranks.

Heard on the radio and could not resist repeating...

"My ex-girlfriend never asked me use a c**...."
"Because she was on the pill."

How do you know when a guy is really in love with his girlfriend?

When he starts using condoms with other girls.

What's the worst thing that could happen if you don't use a c**...?

Your parents would know!
* My friend said this to me since I'm an only child *

Apparently Muslims invented the c**....

As it turns out, Muslims in the middle east one day came up with the brilliant idea to use goat intestines as a suitable c**.... It wasn't, however, until in 1827 when the British perfected the idea by taking the intestines *out* of the goat first.

I hide my condoms in a box of Nyquil...

...if I use either, I'll blow a load and be asleep in 10 minutes.

In the 1700s, Muslims invented the first condoms. They used goat intestines.

Then in the next century, Europeans took the invention to the next level. They took the intestines out of the goat.

If you want to prevent pregnancy use two condoms and...

Fill chille powder in between. If outer one breaks she will know if inner one breaks you will know..

My mom yelled at me when I said I have never used a c**....

Then I told her it was because I'm a v**... at 24 years old.
So, my dad yelled at me instead.

I didn't have a c**... last night, so I used a sock...

She wouldn't stop complaining about cotton mouth.


An old man finds a c**... in his grandson's apartment and asks what it is.
"It's a c**...," replies the grandson, sheepishly.
"What do you use it for?" asks Grandpa.
The grandson is embarrassed, so he says, "I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain."
Grandpa says, "That's a great idea." He goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a c**....
"What size would you like?" asks the pharmacist.
"Big enough to fit a Camel."

When does 1+1=3?

When you don't use a c**....

c**... origins

Did you know the c**... was invented in a small village in wales in the 12th century. They thought it would be a good idea to use the lower intestine of a sheep to stop their wives becoming pregnant.
Of course, in the 1350's, the English improved on the idea. They took the lower intestine out of the sheep before they used it.

The pretty teacher was concerned with

one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love." the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With you!" he said.
"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a c**...!"

Muslims were the ones that invented the c**....

Muslim's were the ones that invented the c**.... This was well before plastics so they used goat intestines. Then the British came along and stole the idea from the Muslims and improved it by removing the intestines from the goat.

John and Peter

John: Dude my girlfriend is pregnant, but I use a c**... every time.
Peter: Come here my dear friend and I will explain it to you
John: Ok.
Peter: A man went into the jungle with an umbrella. He saw a tiger coming right at him. He touched the button of his umbrella and the tiger died.
John: Haha!But that's impossible. Maybe someone else shot the tiger.
Peter: Exactly..

Ever wondered why china has over 1 billion population?

Cause the c**... they use is "Made in china"


The nuns at the local convent had their daily annoucement session.
The mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns with a very serious
frown on her face. She began to speak...
Mother Superior: There had been a sinful deed committed here, yesterday.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: Today I found a pair a men's underwear.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And I also found a c**....
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And it has been used!
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And there was a hole in it!
1 nun: Oh, No!
99 nuns: Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee!.....

The history of the c**....

In 1272, a Welsh inventor created the first c**... using a sheeps lower intestine.
In 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking it out of the sheep first.
~ Obligatory edit. No, it took them 601 years to get the welsh out of the sheep to make the condoms.

In the 15th century the Arabs invented the c**..., using a goat's lower intestine.

In the 18th century the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

If you want to have s**... with a frog, use a c**...

If you want to enjoy it, rib it

Why does Bob Ross not use a c**...?

Because he doesn't make mistakes, only happy little accidents.

My girlfriend told me that if I took her to get sushi, I didn't have to use a c**... after.

She's getting the raw end of that deal!

God, I wish that I'd used a c**... now.

My wife walked in to the room when I was in the middle of a furious argument with our son. When he ran out of the room crying, I said to my wife, God, I wish that I'd used a c**... now.
My wife was aghast and said, What! You mean you wish that our son had never been born?
I said, No, I've got his girlfriend pregnant.

My son invited his girlfriend over.

When she left, I went up to his room and said, "Did you use the condoms that I bought you?"
He said, "We tried, but they didn't really fit."
I said, "That's OK, maybe you need a different size."
He said, "Yeah, I think she does."

I found a used c**... in my son's bed.

Clearly my wife and I forgot to dispose of it.

When I was young my dad really emphasized how important it would be to use a c**... if I ever had s**... with a girl.

I asked him why.
"Because, son," he said, "any girl that would sleep with you would sleep with anyone."

Take my advice and use a c**...

I once forgot it and 9 months later, I became an uncle

I made love to my wife last night but instead of using a normal c**..., I used a frog skin…

I thought I'd rib it for her pleasure.


Many years ago
Just before leaving to meet my first real girlfriend,
My Dad pulled me into his bedroom,
He opened his bedside drawer and handed me a c**....
With a wink he said, 'Take care, Son, I'm proud of you'
To this day I'm not sure what was worse:
My Dad's knowledge and pride in what I was about to do,
Having used a c**... that was intended for my Mother.

If Mr. Spock uses a c**......

...does that make it vulcanized rubber?

The c**... was first invented by a Welshman by using a sheep's intestine

The English later improved it by removing the intestine from the sheep first

Research shows that 90% of men don't know how to use c**...

these people are called dads

The Muslims first invented the c**...

The Muslims first invented the c**... in the year 654 using a goat intestine. Christians expanded on this idea in 1364 by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
Thanks Reverse-Flash

The Welsh were the first people to use a sheep's intestine as a c**....

The English improved the design by removing the rest of the sheep prior to use.

My girlfriend and I used a corduroy c**... for the first time last night...

It was a groovy kind of love...

Can't afford condoms?

Use latex gloves instead. They're cheaper, and you can use them five times.

Men who don't use condoms are more responsible than ones that do.

They have a baby to take care of.

In 1272, the Muslims invented the c**..., using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

I pulled out my wallet and a c**... fell out on the floor.

I looked hopefully at my wife and said "want to go use that?"
She said "no."
I said, "even better."

A Protestant and a Catholic are sitting in a pub

A Protestant and a Catholic are sitting in a pub talking about birth control.
The Protestant says to the Catholic, "My religion allows me to use a c**... when I make love to my wife but yours does not. Yet I've got 14 children and you have only 2. How can this be?"
The Catholic replies, "It's quite simple, I have s**... during the safe times of the day."
"And when is that ?" asks the Protestant.
"When you're at work." replies the Catholic.

My wife walked in on an argument between our son and I. When he ran out of the room crying, I turned to the wife and said, "I wish I'd used a c**... now." Horrified, she said, "What!? You wish our son had never been born!?"

"No." I replied. "I got his girlfriend pregnant."

Did you know the Scottish invented condoms?

They would use the intestines of sheep as a contraceptive.
The English then refined the idea by taking the intestines out of the sheep first.

Two eight year old boys are chatting...

Boy 1: 'I found a used c**... on our patio this morning.'
Boy 2: 'What's a patio?'

What piece of furniture never uses a c**...?

Pull out couch

My dad showed me a 30 minutes PowerPoint presentation that why c**... should be used during s**....

All slides had pictures of me.

When is 1 + 1 equal to 3?

When you don't use a c**....

The Welsh invented the c**... using sheep's guts

But the English improved upon the idea by taking them out of the sheep

I read that the Welsh invented the c**... in the Middle Ages by using a piece of sheep's intestine.

The English later improved the design by taking it out of the sheep first.

A little girl asks her mum

A little girl asks her mum "mummy, how was I born" Her mother smiled and replied "once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful tiny seed. Your daddy planted it in the earth and I took care of it every single day. After a while the seed germinated and grew tall with many leaves until it became a lovely healthy plant. Then we dried it and smoked it and got so high we forgot to use a c**..."

Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !

Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have s**....
Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the c**... broke?
Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.
Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts Bang at the tiger. The tiger died.
Guy: That can't be right. Someone else must have shot the tiger.
Doctor: Exactly.

Why should you always use a c**... when having s**... with fruit?


A man with 5 p**... went in for a routine check up with his doctor.

During the exam, the doctor asked, Have you been practicing safe s**...?
The man responds, Yes, although it can be cumbersome at times.
The doctor then asks the man, How do you use a c**... with 5 p**...?
The man says, Fits like a glove.

A boy asked his dad, What's a c**... meant for? The father replied...

Condiments are used to add flavor to certain foods, most commonly hot dogs and burgers.

My friend asked why I never used condoms

I said, "My pull out game is superb and condoms are expensive. You gotta keep a tight budget when you have 14 kids."

whats the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

ones a good year, ones a great year..

My dad just gave me a 30 minute Power Point Presentation on why to use condoms during s**....

All the slide were just pictures of me.

100 Nuns

100 nuns are meeting with the priest.
Sisters I must confess, I have had s**... s**... relations with a woman.
99 nuns gasp one nun in the back giggles.
It is Okay, I used a c**....
99 nuns gasp one in back giggles.
The c**... had a hole in it.
99 nuns giggle, one in the back gasps.

Tell me your near death experience

My friend: on that day, my dad almost used the c**....

You'd think the Catholic Church would be more supportive of c**... use...

Less DNA evidence.

The Welsh invented the c**... by using sheep's intestine

The English perfected the c**... by removing the intestine from the sheep

My teenage son asked me, "Dad, when should I use a c**...?"

I replied, "Every conceivable occasion."

Two old ladies smoking

Two old ladies are outside smoking cigarettes when it starts to rain. One pulls out a c**..., cuts off the tip, slides it over her cigarette and keeps smoking.
The other old lady is surprised and asks about it. The first one explains that it's just a c**.... She buys them at the pharmacy and uses them to keep her cigarettes dry when it rains.
The second old lady is intrigued by the idea and the next day she heads to the pharmacy. She goes up to the counter and asks for a pack of condoms.
The pharmacist asks what size she needs and she says, Just whatever will fit a camel.

The Mother Superior assembles all the nuns

"This morning," she announces, "the gardener found a c**... in the rhododendron bushes!"
Ninety-nine nuns gasp in horror, one giggles "Tee-hee!"
"And it had been used!" the Mother Superior adds.
Ninety-nine nuns gasp in horror, one giggles "Tee-hee!"
"...And there was a hole in it!" says the Mother Superior.
Ninety-nine nuns giggle "Tee-hee!", one gasps in horror.