Used Car Jokes
133 used car jokes and hilarious used car puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about used car that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Used Car Short Jokes
Short used car jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The used car humour may include short old car jokes also.
- A man is washing his car with his son... ...after a while the boy says to his Father Dad, why can't we just use a sponge?
- I was washing the car with my son yesterday He kept shouting, 'Mum, stop! Why can't you use a sponge!' 😀
- What can you say about your car but not about your girlfriend? "It died a few weeks ago but I still use parts of it."
- I couldn't find an ice scraper for the car windscreen this morning, so I improvised using a store loyalty card from my wallet I could only get 10% off.
- Why do convertible owners drive with the top down in rainstorms? So they can use the car pool lane.
- In the 80's we used to think in 2020 we'll have flying cars cities on other planets, blah blah blah.... But No! Here we are, teaching people how to wash hands !!!
- A guy walks into a cab and... asks if it's ok to use hand sanitizer in the car. The driver says, "Sure. I haven't smelled anything in 2 weeks anyway."
- There used to be a mechanic shop in San Diego called Car Men Now we don't know where in the world it is
- I went to the used car dealer and bought the only thing I could afford, the Rolls-Canardly It rolls down one hill and canardly make it up the next.
- The fireman looked at my burning car and said, Any idea how it started? I said, I just had to use my keys.
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Used Car One Liners
Which used car one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with used car? I can suggest the ones about cheap cars and stolen car.
- What type of car does a Mandalorian buy from the used car lot? The Best Car.
- If your car is too heavy You can always use lighter fuel.
- I was washing my car with my friend. He asked if I could use a sponge instead.
- What car transmission do Mexicans use? Manuel.
- I used to be able to stop cars with mind Getting hit by one took that away
- Can I use cash to pay for a new electric car? No, you have to charge it.
- NASCAR used to have an Internet Explorer car But it kept crashing.
- Why do thugs buy used cop cars? They never got to sit up front
- My AA sponsor told me to stay away from places where I used to drink I just sold my car.
- Why do people from the hood want used cop cars? To see what it's like to sit up front.
- Why is the LSU football team like my car? They both used to have Les (less) Miles!
- I used to have a toy car with square wheels It was a terrible roll model
- What car do fruits use to get around in? A lemon
- The Google car won't use any fuel It will run on a search engine
- When it comes to using figurative language, I always fly by the seat of my car.
The Funniest Used Car Jokes for a Bone-Shaking Laugh
What funny jokes about used car you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean foreign car jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make used car pranks.
What's the difference between a velodrome and a palindrome?
For one, you have to use a bicycle. For the other, you can use a race car.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wild little old ladies.
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds..
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car..
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car or were they trying to steal it?
'Heavens no, we bought it.'
'Then why don't you drive it away.'
We can't drive.'
Then why did you buy it?'
'We were told that if we bought a Used car here
we'd get s**... ....so we're just waiting.
A man is taking his son to buy his first car...
The son spots an old, used cop car at one of the lots. "Dad! I want that! It would be so cool! Can I test drive the cop car?" The father replies: "No, son. I want your car to have working turn signals and an accurate speedometer."
I found this on sickipedia complain if you want
A man is working as a taxi driver He just started his job He went and picked someone up about halfway through the journey the man taps him on the shoulder At this point The taxi driver freaks swerves nearly misses a bus and two cars and crashes into a building. The passenger says "Sorry I didnt know a small tap could scare you that much" The taxi driver replies "No sorry it's my fault I used to work as a hearse driver"
For my cake day, a joke...
Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."
Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"
The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."
If I die...
If I were to die first, would you remarry?" the wife asks.
"Well," says the husband, "I'm in good health, so why not?"
"Would she live in my house?"
"It's all paid up, so yes."
"Would she drive my car?"
"It's new, so yes."
"Would she use my golf clubs?"
"No. She's left-handed."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Paraprosdokians
*A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. Some paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an early phrase, but they also play on the double meaning of a particular word, creating a form of syllepsis.*
Where there's a will ... I want to be in it.
I like going to the park and watching the children run around ... because they don't know I'm using blanks. (Emo Philips)
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing ... after they have tried everything else. (Winston Churchill)
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' ... I put 'DOCTOR'.
If I am reading this graph correctly ... I'd be very surprised. (Stephen Colbert)
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
I don't belong to an organized political party. I'm a Democrat. (Will Rogers)
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. (Groucho Marx)
You're never too old to learn ...something s**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
B'dum tsss
A collection of jokes I have found over the years about drummers.
**NOTE:** Before you get offended, I AM A DRUMMER. I FIND THESE FUNNY TOO.
1. What do you call a drummer in a suit? The defendant
2. How can you tell a drummer's at the door? The knocking speeds up
3. What do you call a drummer with half a brain? Gifted
4. What does a drummer use for contraception? His personality
5. Did you hear about the drummer who finished high school? Me neither
6. What did the drummer say to the band leader? "Do you want me to play too fast or too slow?"
7. How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five: One to screw it in, four to say that Neil Peart could've done it better
8. Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car? So that they can use the handicapped parking space
9. How do you get a drummer off your porch? Give him the money for the pizza
10. What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians? A drummer
Anyone got any more?
A blonde woman locks her keys inside her car...
And so she calls a locksmith to open it. When the locksmith (who is also blonde) gets there she pulls out her Slim Jim tool to open the door when she notices a problem, the driver side window to the car is wide open.
The locksmith looks to the driver and says, "Ma'am I can't use this tool on a door when the window is open, you're going to have to close it first."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
LPT: If you c**... into a parked car and don't have a paper and pen..
simply use a key to scratch your insurance details on to the bonnet.
A father says to his blonde, teenage daughter one day "honey I thought I asked you to wash the car like 10 times today"...
She replies "I swear I was going to, but I called a hundred different places and nobody has this Elbow Grease that you told me to use !!"
What do you call a guy who can't afford a used car?
A cab!
(Seriously can you call me a cab?)
I used to be a stand-up comedian, but then I got in a really bad car accident...
...now I'm a sit-down comedian.
Life of Riley.
A man says to his friend: 'I used to live the life of Riley; fast cars, beautiful women and holidays in the Carribean.'
His friend asks: 'What happened?'
His reply: 'Riley reported his credit card missing.'
Did you hear about the new car that instead of using gas, runs on Carbon, Oxygen, Carbon, and Potassium?
It's a real guzzler.
A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan
A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.
The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"
The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."
The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?"
The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her.
They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out.
They park it in their underground garage for two weeks.
When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question.
We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire.
Why would you want to borrow $5,000?"
The woman replies,
"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and
expect it to be there when I return?"
I work for AAA
I was called out to help a woman whose car wouldn't start. Used jumper cables to hook it up to my truck, started right up.
Woman: "Thank you so much, is there a charge?"
Me: "Just your battery."
I like my women like I like my cars
Fast, loud, used off craigslist.
My dad was literally trying to kill me when he brought me my first car.
It had all sort of problems gas leak, worn tires but mostly it was cheap so that he could use the rest of his money to put a hit on me.
I just recently bought a used car
and I took it back 2 days later.
"This car is useless. It doesn't go past 60 up a hill."
"60 uphill is really good. What's wrong with that?"
"I live at 74."
Los Angeles announced plans to lease 288 all-electric police cars. Do you know where they'll use them?
In Watts.
I'll see myself out now.
What is globalization?
Question : What is globalization?
Answer : Princess Diana's death
Question : How come?
Answer :
An English princess with an
Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a
French tunnel, driving a
German car with a
Dutch engine, driven by a
Belgian who was high on
Scottish whiskey, followed closely by
Italian Paparazzi, on
Japanese motorcycles, treated by an
American doctor, using
Brazilian medicines!
And this is sent to you by a
Canadian, using
Bill Gates' technology which he got from the
Japanese.
And you are probably reading this on
one of the IBM clones that use
Philippine-made chips, and
Korean made monitors, assembled by Bangladeshi
workers in a Singapore plant, transported by lorries
driven by Indians, hijacked by Indonesians and finally
sold to you by a Chinese!
A teenager got his driver's license...
...and asked his father, who was a minister, if he could use his car.
The father said, "If you bring your grades up, study the Bible, and get a haircut, then you can use the car."
One month later, the teenager asked his father about using the car again. The father said, "Son, I'm proud of you. You have brought your grades up and studied the Bible every day. But you still haven't gotten a haircut!"
His son said, "Dad, in my studying of the Bible, I found that many great people had long hair. Samson had long hair. Moses, Noah, and John the Baptist had long hair. Even Jesus had long hair."
His father said, "Yes, and they walked everywhere they went!"
Hit a cop car last night. The driver let me off with a warning.....
"Anything you say can and will be used against you."
Be carful guys, I read about a new app and if you use it you'll get a virus.
Have you heard of Tinder?
I approach the boring task of buying tampons with the same procrastination used when needing to fill the car up with petrol:
ignore depleting supplies until well in the red.
Always leave the top down in a convertible, even in the rain
Worst case scenario, you get to use the car pool lane.
A man and his son were at the grocery store today...
They were using a cart that had a child-size car attached to the front with the kid inside. While I was shopping, I noticed the dad started hitting the cart into the wall, it was a pretty bizarre sight to see. Before I could intervene, the kid yells,
Kid: DAAAAAD, stop!!! What are you doing?! Stooop!
Kid: Daaaad?! We're not going anywhere! What are you doing?
The dad finally stops after a minute, looks his son straight in the eye and says, as a matter of fact,
Dad: "I don't know son, you're the one who's driving."
I've never laughed so hard while eavesdropping, dad jokes are great. Happy Saturday!
I used to complain about the bright car lights in my rear view mirror
I removed it awhile ago, and haven't looked back since.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
FOX new has saved my legs!
I got into a terridle car c**... and and lost the use of my legs. When I was in the hospital, FOX news came on the TV. I got up to change the channel.
Blonde Moments: Life with a Blonde Teenage Daughter
SCENE: My teenage daughter and me in the car.
Lauren: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl's name is?
Me: Hmm, is it a consonant or a vowel? (Silence.) Please tell me you know what consonants and vowels are.
Lauren: You're no fun, Dad. Forget it.
Me: What is a vowel?
Lauren: OK, OK. A vowel is … ahh … eh … well, oh … uh …
Me: Close enough.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Multijokes: How many Jews can you fit in a family car.
Standard Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and six-million in the ashtray.
Follow-Up Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and none anywhere else because the Holocaust never happened.
Alternate Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and a family of eight hiding under the roof-rack.
Efficient Answ**e**r: Not enough, we'll need to use trains.
Anti-Joke Answ**e**r: Please tell me, myself and some Jewish friends are going to Florida but ~~cannot afford~~ are too-cheap for plane tickets.
Racist Answ**e**r: Throw a dollar in there and they'll all get in.
The racing driver
The racing driver can't work out why he's come in last in a race despite using the fastest, most technologically advance car.
With his support team, he checks the vehicle and finds three men in large dresses, full make-up and wigs sitting on the roof.
"There's the problem," says the engineer. "Too much drag."
I use to be a car racer...
But I didn't have the drive for it and I drifted away from that career.
I was going to tell you all about this car I used to own.
But who wants to hear another SAAB story.
When is a door not a door?
When it is ajar.
Edit (back story): the origin of this joke came from a road trip back when I was in highschool (about 17 years ago). My buddy left the car door open and the dash displayed "the door is ajar". He thought it was funny, since we're use to seeing the "door open" icon and wouldn't stop telling the joke.
Not surprised it's been heard / told before but just happen to never hear it from any other source.
When was the first car horn used?
Exactly 0.001 seconds after the first traffic light turned green.
My dad used to say, girls are like cars...
The younger, the better! But then again, he's in jail...
I used to own a Raven in Boston
It could speak English, but the only word it knew was "Car"
Daddy, what are all those cars' horns honking for?
It's for a wedding son.
I thought the horn was supposed to be only used as a warning.
Exactly son.
Two blondes are locked out of their car...
The first blonde is trying to unlock the car using a coat hanger. The second says to the first "hurry up! It looks like it's going to rain and the top's down!"
Father and son are watching a formula 1 Grand Prix
And the father says, You know I used to be the guy who waved the cars off at finish line.
Son : I did not know that dad.
Father : you could say....
Son : Dad plz no...
Father : ... that I have a bit of a checkered past!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My first time s**... was like buying my first used c**... car
I didn't want it but dad gave it to me anyway
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does a p**... have in common with a used car salesman?
They both tricked me out of money with a passable t**....
A circus performer is pulled over for speeding.
As the officer is writing the ticket, he notices several machetes in the back seat of the car.
What are those for? he asks suspiciously.
I'm a juggler, the driver replies. I use those in my act.
Well, show me, the officer demands.
So the juggler gets out and starts juggling: one, two, three, four, and finally seven machetes at one time. He does overhand, underhand, and behind the back.
Another car passes by. The driver does a double take and says: My God, if that's the test they're giving now, I've got to give up drinking!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My boyfriend and I both drive Hondas.
He's got one of those boxy ones, and mine is a mid-size sedan. And neither of us has our own place, so we mostly end up just having s**... inside the car. His is a little bigger, so we usually use his.
Recently, however, he's been wanting to experiment a little bit, and he's saying we should try some things out while having s**... on top of his car, instead of inside it.
But if I'm gonna have s**... with my boyfriend in a way that's out of his Element, it will have to be on my own Accord.
Teenagers in Houston can look forward to the used car sales in a few months.
The market is going to be flooded.
What are your best toe amputation jokes?
Co worker lost a toe. Need lots of jokes. Already used up tow jokes about towing his car
I recently bought a second hand car.
It only had one previous owner, a little old lady, who only used it once a week, on a Sunday - when she took it drag racing.
I was having intimate relations with a married woman.
A car pulled into the garage, and the woman said, "Oh no it's my husband! Quick, use the back door!"
Thinking back, I should have run, but you don't get offers like that every day.
Bob's car suddenly stopped on a dark street
Bob used his lighter to check the gas. He was 30 years old.
An elementary teacher was talking to her class about safety when crossing the street.
"I used to have a little brother, and on his eighth birthday my parents got him a brand new red bike. He was across the street at his grandmas' when dad wheeled it outside. My brother was so excited that he ran across the street without looking, right in front of a car. The car hit him and he died." One of the children raised his hand and asked, "Where's his bike?"
I used to have a full size wooden car. Wooden wheels, wooden engine, wooden seats.
BUT, when I tried to drive it, it wooden go.
Credit : u/johnnycrosshatch
Many countries make prisoners do labour that's of no use to anyone.
In Britain, prisoners would climb a treadwheel that turned a fan.
In Russia, prisoners would break rocks in the Siberian wasteland.
And in Germany, prisoners are forced to fit the blinkers to BMW cars.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man in France was arrested today for using his car to run down a pedestrian he thought was o**... bin Laden.
Even though it was a mistake, it still ranks as France's biggest military victory.
It was late at night and my car was running on empty, but then I turned a corner and saw a sign saying "Open 24/7."
I thought to my self, that's no use, July's ages away
I bought an old used car, and I think it is from RE:ZERO
It is a subaru that keeps dying all the time...
Chris used to drink only regular coffee, then he got in a car accident and lost both his legs below his knees...
Now he goes with de-calf.
Audi's are more expensive than they have to be.
The German luxury car maker could sell much cheaper cars if they stopped shipping them with all those extra accessories that the owners never use anyways, like rear view mirrors, turn signals, side-view mirrors...
I bumped into an old school friend the other day.
He seemed to be doing very well for himself, fancy clothes, new car. You could tell he was now very successful and wealthy.
I asked him how he had been doing and he said great, I've got loads of money, fancy cars and a big house.
I asked him how he came to be so rich and he replied I've been using animal carcasses and boiling them down to a concentrate and selling that for a profit. I've made a killing on the stocks market.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So I was having s**... with this woman...
I had her bent over her kitchen table, giving it to her good. When all of a sudden we heard a car door slam out front.
Oh god, she said, it's my husband. Quick, use the back door!
Well, I probably should have left at that point, but it's not an offer you get everyday...
Technically, people in the 1980s were correct when they said we would have flying cars in the future.
They're just currently not very safe and one-use only.
My wife had been away for about 6months. In that time I've had no use for the car.
When she came back, I had to go pick her up from the airport.
I went into the garage, got into the car, started it up, put it in reverse and thought; "This takes me back."
I've decided I'm not going to use my car indicators anymore.
It's really nobody's business where I'm going.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There were these two blonds and they locked their keys in their car...
The one blonde says to the other, "What do we do? Do we get a coat hanger and pick the lock?"
The other one replied, "No, people will think we're trying to break in."
The other one said, "Well do we get a knife and cut the rubber and pop the lock?"
The other one answered," No, people will think we're too s**... to use the coat hanger."
The other one said, "Well we better think of something quick because it's starting to rain and the sunroof is open."
