Used Car Jokes
135 used car jokes and hilarious used car puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about used car that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Used Car Short Jokes
Short used car jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The used car humour may include short old car jokes also.
- A man is washing his car with his son... ...after a while the boy says to his Father Dad, why can't we just use a sponge?
- I washed the car with my 5 year old son today. When we finished, he said, Next time dad, can you use a sponge?
- I was washing the car with my son yesterday He kept shouting, 'Mum, stop! Why can't you use a sponge!' 😀
- This morning I made my coffee using red bull instead of water... ...After 15 minutes on the highway I realized I left my car at home...
- I used Redbull instead of water to brew my coffee today Got halfway to work, realized I forgot my car.
- What can you say about your car but not about your girlfriend? "It died a few weeks ago but I still use parts of it."
- A man is washing his car with his son. His son looks at him and says,
Dad...Why can't you use a sponge? - I remember my childhood quite fondly when Dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires. Those were the Good Years.
- One day a dad was washing the car with his son. The son said, "dad, can't You just use a sponge?"
The dad said "no son this builds character." - I couldn't find an ice scraper for the car windscreen this morning, so I improvised using a store loyalty card from my wallet I could only get 10% off.
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Used Car One Liners
Which used car one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with used car? I can suggest the ones about cheap cars and car part.
- A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks: "Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"
- A Dad is washing the car with his son The son asked "why can't you use a sponge?"
- What type of car does a Mandalorian buy from the used car lot? The Best Car.
- If your car is too heavy You can always use lighter fuel.
- A man is washing his car with his son. Son: Dad, can't you use a sponge?
- Me: *washing car with son* Son: Dad, can't you just use the sponge?
- A father was washing his car with his son And the son says, dad, can't you use a sponge?
- I bought a used Volvo from Neil Diamond on Autotrader.... Swede car online.
- I was washing my car with my friend. He asked if I could use a sponge instead.
- What car transmission do Mexicans use? Manuel.
- A dad washes his car with his son. Son-dad why can't you use a sponge
- I used to be able to stop cars with mind Getting hit by one took that away
- Can I use cash to pay for a new electric car? No, you have to charge it.
- How do you double the value of a used car? You fill the tank
- NASCAR used to have an Internet Explorer car But it kept crashing.
Used Car Salesman Jokes
Here is a list of funny used car salesman jokes and even better used car salesman puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's the difference between a used car salesman and a computer salesman? A used car salesman knows when he's lying.
- What does a p**... have in common with a used car salesman? They both tricked me out of money with a passable t**....
The Funniest Used Car Jokes for a Bone-Shaking Laugh
What funny jokes about used car you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean stolen car jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make used car pranks.
Wild little old ladies.
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds..
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car..
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car or were they trying to steal it?
'Heavens no, we bought it.'
'Then why don't you drive it away.'
We can't drive.'
Then why did you buy it?'
'We were told that if we bought a Used car here
we'd get s**... ....so we're just waiting.
A man is taking his son to buy his first car...
The son spots an old, used cop car at one of the lots. "Dad! I want that! It would be so cool! Can I test drive the cop car?" The father replies: "No, son. I want your car to have working turn signals and an accurate speedometer."
I found this on sickipedia complain if you want
A man is working as a taxi driver He just started his job He went and picked someone up about halfway through the journey the man taps him on the shoulder At this point The taxi driver freaks swerves nearly misses a bus and two cars and crashes into a building. The passenger says "Sorry I didnt know a small tap could scare you that much" The taxi driver replies "No sorry it's my fault I used to work as a hearse driver"
For my cake day, a joke...
Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."
Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"
The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."
If I die...
If I were to die first, would you remarry?" the wife asks.
"Well," says the husband, "I'm in good health, so why not?"
"Would she live in my house?"
"It's all paid up, so yes."
"Would she drive my car?"
"It's new, so yes."
"Would she use my golf clubs?"
"No. She's left-handed."
Paraprosdokians
*A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. Some paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an early phrase, but they also play on the double meaning of a particular word, creating a form of syllepsis.*
Where there's a will ... I want to be in it.
I like going to the park and watching the children run around ... because they don't know I'm using blanks. (Emo Philips)
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing ... after they have tried everything else. (Winston Churchill)
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' ... I put 'DOCTOR'.
If I am reading this graph correctly ... I'd be very surprised. (Stephen Colbert)
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
I don't belong to an organized political party. I'm a Democrat. (Will Rogers)
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. (Groucho Marx)
You're never too old to learn ...something s**....
B'dum tsss
A collection of jokes I have found over the years about drummers.
**NOTE:** Before you get offended, I AM A DRUMMER. I FIND THESE FUNNY TOO.
1. What do you call a drummer in a suit? The defendant
2. How can you tell a drummer's at the door? The knocking speeds up
3. What do you call a drummer with half a brain? Gifted
4. What does a drummer use for contraception? His personality
5. Did you hear about the drummer who finished high school? Me neither
6. What did the drummer say to the band leader? "Do you want me to play too fast or too slow?"
7. How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five: One to screw it in, four to say that Neil Peart could've done it better
8. Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car? So that they can use the handicapped parking space
9. How do you get a drummer off your porch? Give him the money for the pizza
10. What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians? A drummer
Anyone got any more?
My coffee wasn't strong enough.
So, yesterday instead of using water, I brewed with Red Bull. I got halfway to work before I realised I'd forgotten my car.
LPT: If you c**... into a parked car and don't have a paper and pen..
simply use a key to scratch your insurance details on to the bonnet.
A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan
A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.
The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"
The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."
The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?"
The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her.
They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out.
They park it in their underground garage for two weeks.
When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question.
We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire.
Why would you want to borrow $5,000?"
The woman replies,
"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and
expect it to be there when I return?"
Los Angeles announced plans to lease 288 all-electric police cars. Do you know where they'll use them?
In Watts.
I'll see myself out now.
What is globalization?
Question : What is globalization?
Answer : Princess Diana's death
Question : How come?
Answer :
An English princess with an
Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a
French tunnel, driving a
German car with a
Dutch engine, driven by a
Belgian who was high on
Scottish whiskey, followed closely by
Italian Paparazzi, on
Japanese motorcycles, treated by an
American doctor, using
Brazilian medicines!
And this is sent to you by a
Canadian, using
Bill Gates' technology which he got from the
Japanese.
And you are probably reading this on
one of the IBM clones that use
Philippine-made chips, and
Korean made monitors, assembled by Bangladeshi
workers in a Singapore plant, transported by lorries
driven by Indians, hijacked by Indonesians and finally
sold to you by a Chinese!
A teenager got his driver's license...
...and asked his father, who was a minister, if he could use his car.
The father said, "If you bring your grades up, study the Bible, and get a haircut, then you can use the car."
One month later, the teenager asked his father about using the car again. The father said, "Son, I'm proud of you. You have brought your grades up and studied the Bible every day. But you still haven't gotten a haircut!"
His son said, "Dad, in my studying of the Bible, I found that many great people had long hair. Samson had long hair. Moses, Noah, and John the Baptist had long hair. Even Jesus had long hair."
His father said, "Yes, and they walked everywhere they went!"
Always leave the top down in a convertible, even in the rain
Worst case scenario, you get to use the car pool lane.
A man and his son were at the grocery store today...
They were using a cart that had a child-size car attached to the front with the kid inside. While I was shopping, I noticed the dad started hitting the cart into the wall, it was a pretty bizarre sight to see. Before I could intervene, the kid yells,
Kid: DAAAAAD, stop!!! What are you doing?! Stooop!
Kid: Daaaad?! We're not going anywhere! What are you doing?
The dad finally stops after a minute, looks his son straight in the eye and says, as a matter of fact,
Dad: "I don't know son, you're the one who's driving."
I've never laughed so hard while eavesdropping, dad jokes are great. Happy Saturday!
FOX new has saved my legs!
I got into a terridle car c**... and and lost the use of my legs. When I was in the hospital, FOX news came on the TV. I got up to change the channel.
Blonde Moments: Life with a Blonde Teenage Daughter
SCENE: My teenage daughter and me in the car.
Lauren: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl's name is?
Me: Hmm, is it a consonant or a vowel? (Silence.) Please tell me you know what consonants and vowels are.
Lauren: You're no fun, Dad. Forget it.
Me: What is a vowel?
Lauren: OK, OK. A vowel is … ahh … eh … well, oh … uh …
Me: Close enough.
Multijokes: How many Jews can you fit in a family car.
Standard Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and six-million in the ashtray.
Follow-Up Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and none anywhere else because the Holocaust never happened.
Alternate Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and a family of eight hiding under the roof-rack.
Efficient Answ**e**r: Not enough, we'll need to use trains.
Anti-Joke Answ**e**r: Please tell me, myself and some Jewish friends are going to Florida but ~~cannot afford~~ are too-cheap for plane tickets.
Racist Answ**e**r: Throw a dollar in there and they'll all get in.
The racing driver
The racing driver can't work out why he's come in last in a race despite using the fastest, most technologically advance car.
With his support team, he checks the vehicle and finds three men in large dresses, full make-up and wigs sitting on the roof.
"There's the problem," says the engineer. "Too much drag."
When is a door not a door?
When it is ajar.
Edit (back story): the origin of this joke came from a road trip back when I was in highschool (about 17 years ago). My buddy left the car door open and the dash displayed "the door is ajar". He thought it was funny, since we're use to seeing the "door open" icon and wouldn't stop telling the joke.
Not surprised it's been heard / told before but just happen to never hear it from any other source.
My dad used to say, girls are like cars...
The younger, the better! But then again, he's in jail...
I used to own a Raven in Boston
It could speak English, but the only word it knew was "Car"
Daddy, what are all those cars' horns honking for?
It's for a wedding son.
I thought the horn was supposed to be only used as a warning.
Exactly son.
Two blondes are locked out of their car...
The first blonde is trying to unlock the car using a coat hanger. The second says to the first "hurry up! It looks like it's going to rain and the top's down!"
Father and son are watching a formula 1 Grand Prix
And the father says, You know I used to be the guy who waved the cars off at finish line.
Son : I did not know that dad.
Father : you could say....
Son : Dad plz no...
Father : ... that I have a bit of a checkered past!
A circus performer is pulled over for speeding.
As the officer is writing the ticket, he notices several machetes in the back seat of the car.
What are those for? he asks suspiciously.
I'm a juggler, the driver replies. I use those in my act.
Well, show me, the officer demands.
So the juggler gets out and starts juggling: one, two, three, four, and finally seven machetes at one time. He does overhand, underhand, and behind the back.
Another car passes by. The driver does a double take and says: My God, if that's the test they're giving now, I've got to give up drinking!
My boyfriend and I both drive Hondas.
He's got one of those boxy ones, and mine is a mid-size sedan. And neither of us has our own place, so we mostly end up just having s**... inside the car. His is a little bigger, so we usually use his.
Recently, however, he's been wanting to experiment a little bit, and he's saying we should try some things out while having s**... on top of his car, instead of inside it.
But if I'm gonna have s**... with my boyfriend in a way that's out of his Element, it will have to be on my own Accord.
What are your best toe amputation jokes?
Co worker lost a toe. Need lots of jokes. Already used up tow jokes about towing his car
A man is on his death bed. He asks his wife...
"Will you re-marry after I die?"
"Oh, I don't know..." she says. "Maybe."
"Will you let another man move into our house with you?"
"Oh, I don't know... Maybe."
"Will you let another man drive my car?"
"Oh, I don't know... Maybe."
"Well, will you have s**... with another man at some point?"
"Oh, I don't know... Maybe."
"Will you let another man use my golf clubs!?"
"Nah. He's left-handed."
I was having intimate relations with a married woman.
A car pulled into the garage, and the woman said, "Oh no it's my husband! Quick, use the back door!"
Thinking back, I should have run, but you don't get offers like that every day.
A woman complains to her husband about the blisters on her hands
"I have so many blisters from using this broom" says the wife
"well maybe use the car next time" the husband replies.
Three people had their car break down in the middle of the desert...
They each decided to carry something useful from their car and walk until they found civilization. The first person said I will carry these sandwiches, so if we get hungry we can eat them. The second person said I will take these water bottles, so if we get thirsty we have something to drink. The third person said I will take the car door, so if we get hot we can roll down the window.
Dad and his son are sitting on the front porch.
Meanwhile a column of cars are passing by and honking their horns.
"Dad why are they honking their horns?" asked the son.
"They are going to a wedding" responds the father
"But in school we learned that horns should be used only as a warning"
"Exactly..."
I have this sticker on my car
"Use your horn if you think i am s**..."
Sometimes i stop the car when the traffic light is green until I am happy enough.
My wife told me I was crazy for trying to fix our car using spaghetti.
The look on her face when I drove pasta.
I used to have a full size wooden car. Wooden wheels, wooden engine, wooden seats.
BUT, when I tried to drive it, it wooden go.
Credit : u/johnnycrosshatch
Why do convertible owners drive with the top down in rainstorms?
So they can use the car pool lane.
What colour can you use to start your car?
Khaki
One day, a taxi cab passenger touched...
a new cab driver on his shoulder to ask him something. The driver squealed EEEEEEEEEE! , lost control of car, and screeched to a stop after mounting the sidewalk. The passenger apologised profusely & said: "I had no idea you would be startled by me tapping your shoulder!"
Driver replied: Im sorry it's not your fault; I used to be f**... driver for 25 years.
It was late at night and my car was running on empty, but then I turned a corner and saw a sign saying "Open 24/7."
I thought to my self, that's no use, July's ages away
No ice scraper for my car window this morning...
***So i used my loyalty card but could only get 10% off***
A father is washing the car with his son
After a moment the son asks his father: "do you think we could use a sponge instead?"
Chris used to drink only regular coffee, then he got in a car accident and lost both his legs below his knees...
Now he goes with de-calf.
I bumped into an old school friend the other day.
He seemed to be doing very well for himself, fancy clothes, new car. You could tell he was now very successful and wealthy.
I asked him how he had been doing and he said great, I've got loads of money, fancy cars and a big house.
I asked him how he came to be so rich and he replied I've been using animal carcasses and boiling them down to a concentrate and selling that for a profit. I've made a killing on the stocks market.
A man is washing his car with his son, when the boy says...
"Dad, can't you use the sponge?"
A Frenchman, a German, and a Russian are arguing about cars.
The Frenchman says: We use the Renault for travel inside our country, and the Peugeot when we travel outside the border.
The German says: Ach, ja! We do that too! We use the Volkswagen for travel inside our country, and the Mercedes when we go to foreign countries.
The Russian then says: Well, we do something simmilar, we use Ladas for travelling inside the motherland, and tanks everywhere else.
So I was having s**... with this woman...
I had her bent over her kitchen table, giving it to her good. When all of a sudden we heard a car door slam out front.
Oh god, she said, it's my husband. Quick, use the back door!
Well, I probably should have left at that point, but it's not an offer you get everyday...
My wife had been away for about 6months. In that time I've had no use for the car.
When she came back, I had to go pick her up from the airport.
I went into the garage, got into the car, started it up, put it in reverse and thought; "This takes me back."
I've decided I'm not going to use my car indicators anymore.
It's really nobody's business where I'm going.
Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.
He said: 'dad, can't you just use a sponge?'
If I die first, will you remarry, asks the wife.
I'm in good health so why not, says the husband.
Will she live in this house
Its all paid for so yes.
Will she drive my car.
Its new so yes.
Will she use my golf clubs.
No, she's left handed.
Two blondes leave a restaurant and realize they've locked their keys in the car.
The husband fiddles with the door but isn't having any luck.
The wife says I know! I'll run inside and see if they have a coat hanger that we can use to Jimmy the lock!
The husband replies Great idea! But hurry, because it's about to rain and the top is down!
In the 80's we used to think in 2020 we'll have flying cars cities on other planets, blah blah blah....
But No! Here we are, teaching people how to wash hands !!!
There were these two blonds and they locked their keys in their car...
The one blonde says to the other, "What do we do? Do we get a coat hanger and pick the lock?"
The other one replied, "No, people will think we're trying to break in."
The other one said, "Well do we get a knife and cut the rubber and pop the lock?"
The other one answered," No, people will think we're too s**... to use the coat hanger."
The other one said, "Well we better think of something quick because it's starting to rain and the sunroof is open."
A guy walks into a cab and...
asks if it's ok to use hand sanitizer in the car. The driver says, "Sure. I haven't smelled anything in 2 weeks anyway."
A woman says to her lawyer "I want to divorce my husband."
‟On what grounds?
‟Grounds? We have two acres at the edge of town with a big lawn and some fruit trees.
‟No, that's not what I meant. Do you have a grudge?
‟Yes, we've a two car garage but only one car so we use the rest for storage.
^(getting exasperated) ‟Does he beat you up?
‟No, I'm up by 6:30 and sometimes he does not get up until after I've left for work.
‟WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?
‟We just can't seem to communicate.
Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, it just won't move at all. After trying to drive at night for a week, with no luck, she furiously calls the dealers and they send out a technician to help...
He examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it, so he asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?"
Full of anger, she growls, "How on earth you could ask such a question!? I'm not s**... you know! Of course I am using the right gears; I use D during the day and N at night."
Don't know why used car salesmen get such a bad rap.
Mine knocked 20 bucks off the muffler tax just because he liked my face!
I've been having trouble getting frost off my car...
I've been having trouble getting frost off the windscreen of my car. I tried to use a coupon card to scrape it away
But I could only get 20 % off
A drummer needed a car, but only had $200
A drummer desperately needed a car, any car, to get to work, but he only had $200. He called his friend who owned a used car lot and explained the situation.
You're in luck, the friend told the drummer. I've got a brand new Jaguar. Runs great. Looks great. For you, only $200. One small problem: it doesn't have any doors.
The drummer let out a mournful sigh and said that's no good – how'm I gonna get in?
I used to think I was good with jokes until I got hit by an electric car
I did not hear that one coming
The fireman looked at my burning car and said, Any idea how it started?
I said, I just had to use my keys.
Wife asks her husband will he remarry if she dies.
Husband: No how can I think of remarrying.
Wife: Why not? You would need a partner for your bad times. Please remarry if I die.
Husband: You are so sweet... Even after death, you are worried about me.
Wife: Will you let her use my car?
Husband: Of course not
Wife: Will you give my jewellery to her
Husband: Not at all, I have some of my memories attached to it. I will keep it as your memory.
Wife: Will you give my shoes to her
Husband: No way... Her size is '5' and yours is '7'.
