Use Protection Jokes
62 use protection jokes and hilarious use protection puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about use protection that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Use Protection Short Jokes
Short use protection jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The use protection humour may include short wear protection jokes also.
- Don't use Cops to protect the Capitol building! Use barbers and hairdressers, the threat of a shave, shampoo and haircut should have most of them running for the hills!
- I created a presentation on my computer but didn't use password protection... Now it has visual aids.
- Why don't female mathematicians use tampons? They are weary of anything that advertises discrete AND continuous protection.
- I don't get the deal with overprotective parents, they clearly didn't use protection if they are parents.
- Did you know Apple used to sell phone protection with the phone? Well, not anymore but that used to be the case
- People have been using crystals and essential oils to protect themselves from covid. Their corpses smell great and look very fashionable.
- Some people use their hands to protect themselves from getting punched. I use the head of a porcupine and two crayons. It's an avant-guard
- My 13 year old daughter just tried to prank me with the "Daddy I'm pregnant" routine. As if I'd fall for that one, I always use protection.
- What does Jesus use to protect his computer? Lord vpn
This joke is sponsored by raid shadow legends - Using a smartphone is the prefect metaphor for getting laid. It feels so much better without protection, but it's way riskier, and you probably can't afford the consequences.
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Use Protection One Liners
Which use protection one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with use protection? I can suggest the ones about protection and child protection.
- Whenever I have a one night stand,I alweys use protection. A fake name and a fake number.
- For all you ladies who didn't use protection this weekend Happy Mother's Day!
- What is 1 + 1? 3 if you don't use protection.
- Just found out my grandma has been infected I knew I should have used protection!
- How do McDonald's employees protect their laptops? They use McAfee
- How single are you ? The only protection I'm using is mask and sanitizer.
- If you break a mirror it's 7 years of bad luck. If you don't use protection it's 18
- What kind of food do you use to protect yourself? Pasta, it's im-penne-trable!
- Why do Africans use mosquito nets? To protect the mosquitoes from AIDS.
- Why did the computer get a virus? He wasn't using protection.
- My friend uses a white crow to protect his farm from other crows He calls it a rarecrow
- Im using free internet because my neighbor did not protect his wifi via password.
- My son block me on Facebook I could have used protection and block him from birth.
- What does the Black Panther use for protection during s**...? A Wakondom.
- What do Manchester girls use for protection during s**...? A bus shelter.
Fun-Filled Use Protection Jokes to Make You and Your Friends Chuckle & Giggle
What funny jokes about use protection you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean guard jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make use protection pranks.
What did Clinton say when asked if he had used protection? "Sure, there was a guard standing right outside the door."
Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?
Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!
Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..
Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How contagious?
A middle aged father was in the bathroom one morning shaving before work, when his teenage daughter passed by the doorway, she came back a moment later and asked her father " dad I've got a very serious question for you" "ok" he replies go ahead, she then sheepishly asks, " um how contagious is h**..." stunned the father immediately thinks of nothing but to try and turn his daughter away from this type of activity, he replies with " oh honey, its very very contagious, any kind of contact will mean almost certain infection, I cant watch you 24/7, so all I can ask if you try and at least stay protected" the daughter backs away from the doorway and replies "well I was just asking because your using my razor and Im currently having a breakout."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the kid born without eyelids?
Yeah, apparently a baby boy was born without eyelids just last week! Obviously that was a problem and the child's sight wouldn't last long unless the doctors acted quick, so they decided to take a skin graft from the boy and use it to protect his eyes. The most logical solution for the quick thinking doctor was to use the child's f**..., since he would probably be circumcised anyways.
Those are about all the details I know from the story, but I guess the baby is doing ok. The doctor said he would be fine, and should keep his eyesight, he just might end up a little c**...-eyed.
Why do arabs use Colgate before going to the airport?
because it provides cavity protection
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy walks in to his backyard and sees a gorilla in his tree
He gets online and finds a man who specializes in gorilla removal. When he arrives at the house he has a stick, a set of handcuffs, a chihuahua, and a shotgun.
He tells the homeowner "I'm going to climb up in the tree and use the stick to hit the gorilla until he falls out of the tree. Upon landing, the trained chihuahua will viciously lunge for the gorillas g**... and when he attempts to protect himself we will slap on the handcuffs."
The homeowner, a little bewildered, says "that's crazy enough it just might work, but what is the shotgun for?"
"If I fall out of the tree first....shoot the chihuahua."
An old hillibilly with three daughters
An old had three pretty teenage daughters of whom he was very protective. He used to sit on the front porch, shotgun in hand, and run his eye over any potential suitors. If he didn't like the look of them, he'd send them on their way.
One night, all three girls were due to go out on dates. The first's boyfriend drove up and announced: "Hi, my name is Joe, I'm here to get Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The old man decided that the boy sounded OK and he gave his blessing for the date.
Ten minutes later, amother car pulled up. The driver called out: "Hi, my name is Freddy, I'm here to get Betty, we're going for spaghetti, is she ready?" The old man thought the boy was decent enough, so he gave him permission for the date.
Ten minutes later, a third car arrived. The driver called out: "Hi, my name is Chuck..." And the old man shot him.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Monkey in a Tree
A man notices a monkey is up in his backyard tree.
He goes online and finds a man who specializes in monkey capture and removal.
When the trapper arrives at the house he shows up with a stick, a set of handcuffs, a Chihuahua, and a shotgun.
He tells the homeowner "I'm going to climb up in the tree and use this stick to hit the monkey until it falls out of the tree. When it lands, the trained Chihuahua will viciously lunge for the monkey's g**... and when it attempts to protect himself I will slap on the handcuffs."
The homeowner, a little bewildered, says "that's crazy enough it just might work, but what's the shotgun for?"
"In case I fall out of the tree first....you must shoot the Chihuahua."
Why should all teenagers get a case for their cell phones?
Because they should use protection to practice safe text
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does a j**... use for protection during s**...?
a bus shelter
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Despite using protection, why did the Pope get pregnant?
His c**... was holy
A man goes to the Doctor
*Guy*: Doctor, My girlfriend is
pregnant but we always used double
protection. Then, how is it possible?
*Doctor*: Let me tell you a story to make you realize that it is possible.
"There was a Hunter who always carried a
Gun wherever he went.
One day, he took his Umbrella instead of his
Gun and went out.
A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him.
In order to scare the Lion, the hunter used the Umbrella like a
Gun and shot the Lion, the Lion collapsed & died!
*Guy*:This is totally Nonsense!!
"Someone else must
have shot the Lion"
*Doctor*: Good!! You understood the Story. Next patient please... .
Note: My friend just told me this joke so I'm not sure if it's been here before
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
For protection, my friend used bandages during s**....
Now he has band-aids.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde woman is at the doctor's office
Blonde: I can't pregnant!
Doctor: Okay, how often do you and your boyfriend have s**...?
Blonde: Every night!
Doctor: Do you use any sort of protection?
Blonde: No. And I even s**... every time.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"I would never kill a protected bird"
So a bloke is doing his country business hunting for animals that are allowed to be hunted when he shoots a golden eagle. These birds in the UK are protected and it's i**... to harm them. Therefore he went to court.
Man-"I'm so sorry i would never kill a protected bird i love them. It was an accident that i promise wouldn't happen again."
Judge-"Well, after you killed it, what did you do with it?'
Man-"Well i wouldn't want to put i to waste so i took it back, cooked it and then ate it. Thought it was the only use it had"
Judge-"Well if you are it what did it taste like?"
Man-"Tastes like swan"
Did you use protection?
Friend: dude, me and (Muslim girl) hooked up last night
Me: nice, did you use protection?
Friend: you know me, I always use condoms
Me: no, I meant a bomb suit
Father and son are shopping in a grocery store and the son asks dad what are these for?
*pointing at the condoms*
Dad: oh well son, remember the birds and the bees? Well those are something you use for protection
Son: what's this 3 pack?
Dad: those are for high school kids, just getting starting.. 1 Friday, 1 Saturday and 1 Sunday
Son: this 6 back?
Dad: These are for college students.. 2 Friday, 2 Saturday, and 2 Sunday
Son: and these?
Dad: oh the 12 pack? These are very special. These are for married folks.. 1 January, 1 February, 1 March...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why should you always use protection when having s**... at sea?
So you don't get mermaids.
"Blank Shot" never gets old
Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?
Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!
Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..
Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..
Who shot the lion?
One day a man goes to his doctor and says doctor doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant and I used protection and everything.
The doctor looks at him and says Sit down son, let me tell you a story.
The doctor continues There was once a man who brought his gun everywhere. He never left his house without it. One day the man forgot his gun and accidentally grabbed his umbrella. When the man was out walking a lion jumped out of the bushes and lunged at the man. The man pulls out his umbrella and shoots the lion dead.
The young man looks at the doctor confused
that's impossible someone else must have shot the lion.
The doctor answers that's my point, next patient.
Doctor's consultation.
Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?
Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!
Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..
Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..
Pregnant girlfriend
Guy: Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant, but we always use protection, and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?
Doctor: Let me tell you a story: There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. To scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!
Guy: Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion.
Doctor: Good! You understood the story. Next patient please.
