Usain Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Usain puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Usain

One day, Usain Bolt goes into a country club.

When he enters, the woman at the front desk stops him, and says, "Sorry, we don't allow blacks in here. But there's another club 10 minutes down the road that does."

Visibly furious, Bolt exclaims, "Do you know who I am? I'm Usain Bolt!"

"Oh! I'm sorry", says the woman. "Then it's only 5 minutes down the road."

Usain Bolt goes to a golf course...

He turns up and walks into the clubhouse to get his membership and play a round.

The receptionist says 'Sorry Sir, we don't allow black people in this golf club.'

'That is ridiculous, its 2014 and you don't allow black people in your golf club?'

'Please don't make a scene Sir, there is another gold club 5 minutes down the road and they will let you in.'

'But I'm Usain Bolt!'

'OK then, 2 minutes.'

What happens if Usain Bolt misses his bus?

He waits for it at the next stop.

Fastest Bolt at the Olympics?

Was it Usain Bolt or Ryan Lochte's ride to the airport?

After sex, my wife told me I deserve a Gold Medal for my performance,

for breaking Usain Bolt's record and finishing under 10 seconds.

What does Usain Bolt do when he misses the bus?

He waits at the next station

After Usain Bolt retires, he'll move to Iran.

usain bolt

usain bolt, the fastest man in the world, can run almost 30mph. that means if were to run in a neighborhood, he could get pulled over by the cops...for being black.

Usain Bolt retires from running...

He has been bored and looking in to a new sport to take up. He's looking through his newspaper when he sees an advert for a new golf course in his home town. He takes a walk down and asks the receptionist about signing up.

Usain Bolt Hi, I'm here to see about joining your new golf course
Receptionist Hmmm I'm not so sure if that would be allowed sir
Usain Bolt Can I ask why? Have you sold all memberships?
Receptionist I'm afraid not sir, you see the owner of the course is rather racist and he won't allow black members. There is another golf course just 15 minutes down the road, I'm sure you can join them
Usain Bolt That is horrible! Do you know who I am? I'm Usain Bolt!
Receptionist Ah ok the other course will only be 5 minutes down the road then

Usain Bolt decides to play some golf

He goes into the clubhouse to get membership and play a round.

The receptionist says 'Sorry sir, we don't allow black people in this club.'

'That's ridiculous. It's 2016 and you don't allow black people in this golf club?'

'Please don't make a scene sir, there's another golf club 5 minutes down the road and they will let you in'

'But I'm Usain Bolt!'

'Its only 2 minutes then'

Credit to /u/Ron_manager who posted this a year or so ago, it's a breath of fresh air compared to the usual Bolt/Hitler one that does the rounds.

Rumours suggest Usain Bolt has been cheating on his wife. I'm amazed she hasn't caught him.

Then I remembered that he can finish in 9.58 seconds.

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

What's brown and runny?

Usain Bolt.

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre.

Usain Bolt can reach speeds up to 30 miles per hour. So in certain suburban neighborhoods, he might get arrested.

For being black.

What does a cheetah call Usain Bolt?

Fast food

What is the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler?

One could actually finish a race.

The big race

It was the day of the big race. Usain Bolt was going to run against a cheetah, the world's fastest animal, capable of reaching speeds of up to 70 mph!

People knew Usain didn't stand a chance, but watched anyway. At last, they were off, and in a matter of seconds the race was over - amazingly, Usain Bolt came out victorious!!!

Because...cheetah's never win.

I don't understand all the excitement over Usain Bolt

I finish in under ten seconds all the time.

A doctor was visiting a patient

She asked him 'doctor am I going to die?'
Out of pity the doctor told her the truth, 'we are all dying slowly, some just faster than others.'
The patient said, 'how fast am I dying.'
The doctor leaned over and said 'you are the usain bolt of dying.'

Usain Bolt was going for run around his neighborhood when a policeman pulled him over.

Usain, confused to why he was being apprehended, asked, "Is there a problem with a black man going for a run?"
The cop respond, "No, you were doing 30 in a 15."

Who is faster?

Usain Bolt in the 100m finals or Ryan Lochte running through the airport to catch his flight out of Brazil?

Why can't Usain Bolt listen to music when he's running?

Because the silly fool keeps breaking the records.

What do you call Usain bolt when he's running from a lion?

Fast food

You cant expect an honest person to beat Usain Bolt...

Only a cheetah can.

Why did the cannibal not eat Usain Bolt?

They're cutting back on fast food.

Usain Bolt

Why can't usain bolt listen to music?
- Because he broke the record!

What did the therapist tell Usain Bolt?

You sane, Bolt

If Usain Bolt was an electrician...

His name would be Usain Volt

What's brown and runny

Usain Bolt

MAN: Give it to me straight, I dying?

DOC: *looking at medical chart* "Everyone's dying."

MAN: "Well yes, but what about me specifically?"

DOC: *Looks up* "You're, like, the Usain Bolt of dying."

Usain's little secret.

Right before the gun shot, Usain Bolt's head coach, from within the crowd yells out, "Congratulations Usain, You've just become a father."

I heard Usain Bolt once won a race while resting.

He was fast asleep.

Usain Bolt did the 100m in 9.63 seconds..

I can't do anything that quick!
It took me 10 seconds to watch him run it!

What do you call a Jamaican with a broken leg?

Usain Halt.

Man: Hey Bolt! Get in the car, I'll drop you home!

Usain Bolt: Sorry dude, I'm in a hurry.

Usain Bolt is like a Police Officer

He starts off following black men, then catches up and beats them.

What do Cannibals call Usain Bolt

Fast food

I caught Usain Bolt's sweat towel after the race today and promptly rubbed it all over my face

I was trying to get usain in my membrane

What's the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler?

One was the fastest and one was a fascist.

What do Usain Bolt and Hitler have in common?

They're both fast, but Hitler was Fascist.

Nesta Carter was asked how he felt after winning a gold medal alongside Usain Bolt.

"That was dope!"

I judge Usain Bolt based on his race

All of his races, actually.

"Well am I dying Doctor"

I asked him as he entered the room with the test results.
"Well everyone is dying" he said
"Well yes but what about me" I asked
" oh" he said "your like the usain bolt of dying"

Who is the soulmate of Usain Bolt?

Usain Nut

Why arent any Usain Bolts in swimming

You dont swim from a robbery do you ?

what's it called when a white man performs better then usain bolt?

whitening bolt.

I once heard a story about Usain Bolt's tendency to be a womanizer

They said he really gets around

What's the fastest charging battery in the world?

Usain Volt

Usain Bolt is very near-sighted, almost blind

The only reason he can run so fast is because he downgraded the graphics

BOSS: This team isn't performing, hire someone with a good track record...

[2 wks later]
ME: I'd like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt

I think my washing machine used to belong to Usain Bolt.

It has a setting for fast coloureds.

Did you guys hear the one about Usain Bolt in the Olympics?

It was a running joke.

What do you call it when Usain Bolt is standing next to your mom?

A runner in scoring position.

What's incredibly fast and smells like curry?

Usain Bolti.

Usain bolt must be a fruit

Have you seen that mango

(hopefully OC)

Who is the fastest orc in middle earth?

Usain Bolg

What do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles call Usain Bolt?

Master Sprinter.

Usain Bolt and I have a lot in common

I can run for less than 10 seconds and enjoy smoking Degrasse

A pacient is diagnosed with cancer

Patient: Doctor am I dying?

Doctor: we are all dying in different speeds.

Patient: But doctor, what about my case?

Doctor: your case you're Usain Bolt

How does Usain Bolt feel after being stripped of one of his Olympic Gold Medals?

Fast and Furious

I have the Usain Bolt of noses

You should see this baby run

Why Usain Bolt a mediocre lover?

He always comes first.

Usain Bolt's net worth is $60 million. How did he get so rich?

By saving the gas money!

Usain Bolt isn't allowed near any elementary schools.

The speed limit is only 40 kph!

Only person faster than Usain Bolt

The only person faster than Usain Bolt is the person who said:


What do Gandhi and Usain Bolt have in common?

They both fast

What do you call the movie about gay Usain bolt

Fast and curious

Happy New Year !

Usain Bolt is already in 2016.

Usain Bolt was running through a neighborhood when a policeman pulled him over...

Vroom vroom he zoom zoomed!

What Shaggy be eating

If Shaggy and Scooby always run side by side, and a Great Dane's speed is about 40 mph, then would Shaggy be the fastest human alive, beating Usain Bolt's 27 mph?

Whats the difference between Usain Bolt, my wife, a tranny and a couple of gay kids?

I can't beat Usain Bolt.

What's black and runny?

Usain Bolt.

Usain Bolt used to be a physicist....

....His first discovery was the speed of dark.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes