Usa Jokes
130 usa jokes and hilarious usa puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about usa that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover the humorous rivalry between US and Canada through USA Jokes! Read funny takes on US Sovereign Alpha status, USB, and an unexpected referendum.
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Funniest Usa Short Jokes
Short usa jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The usa humour may include short referendum jokes also.
- It's a shame nothing is built in the USA anymore.... Just bought a T.V. and it said, "Built in Antenna".
I don't even know where that is!! - What's the difference between Brazil and the USA? About 1500 arrests within 48 hours of an attempted coup.
- What is the difference between USA and USB? One connects to all of your devices and accesses the data, the other is a hardware standard.
- What is the difference between USA and USB? One connects to your computer and accesses all your data. The other is an industry standard.
- What's the difference between the USA and yogurt? If you leave yogurt alone for 300 years, it develops a culture.
- As an American, it makes me so sad to see that nothing is made in the USA anymore. I just bought this new TV and it says Built-in Antenna. I don't even know where that is.
- Why can't the Uk and the USA play chess anymore? Because one lost its queen and the other lost its two towers
- Why did France give the Statue of Liberty to the USA? Because the French had no use for a statue with only one hand in the air.
- What's the difference between the USA and a bird? On a bird, the left wing and the right wing work together to benefit the whole bird.
- If I had a nickel for every time I was called hot, I would be the U.S.A 28.7 trillion dollars in debt
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Usa One Liners
Which usa one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with usa? I can suggest the ones about republic and president.
- If the USA so good Why did they make the USB?
- Guys, the USA is looking pretty bad... I think its time for USB.
- What will the USA be called if it spilt into 2? USA and USB
- What comes after USA joke USB
- What was so wrong with USA... ...that they had to go and make USB?
- If the USA is so great... Why did they create the USB?
- What is the next country after USA? USB
- How would you rate USA and Saudi Arabia's relationship? 9/11
- GB: Brexit was the dumbest thing in the last years! USA: hold my drink!
- If the USA is so great... Then why did someone make a USB?
- What's the best country in the world? The USA
- What do you call a brain eating parasite in The USA? Malnourished.
- The USA condemns unprovoked invasion of a sovereign nation.
- What is Instagram called in USA? Instaounce.
- In North Korea... [edited] everything is grand and prosperous and USA is smelly
Loads of Fun with Charming Humor Usa Jokes
What funny jokes about usa you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean homeland jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make usa pranks.
23andme is a fake, rip-off scam website.
The results of my ancestry came back 85% German and 10% Bavarian/Eastern European, but I know *FOR A FACT* that my grandparents came to the USA from **Argentina!**
A soviet joke about censorship that I found in my school book
An American tells a Russian that people in USA have the freedom of speech and that he even could go to the White House and shout:"Go to h**..., Ronald Reagan!"
The russian answers:"Oh, we also have freedom of speech. I, too, can go to Kremlin and shout:" Go to h**..., Ronald Reagan!"
Good ol'e USA
18: can I buy a bottle of wine?
USA: no that's i**... & irresponsible
18: can I go $50,000 into debt for education?
USA: we encourage it
2 foreign immigrants have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other,
''"I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up
A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up.
The Doctor shows the letters on the board:
CZWXNQSTAZKY
Doctor: Can you read this ?
Russian: Read ??? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.
Nothing is built in the USA anymore...
Just bought a new TV...says "Built in Antennae"
h**..., I dont even know where that is....
Why wasn't Jesus born in the USA?
Because God couldn't find three wise men and a v**....
U.S. navy destroyer stops four Mexicans rowing towards Texas. The Captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts:
Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"
One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "g**..., we are invading the United States of
America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800's."
The entire crew on the destroyer doubles over in laughter.
When the Captain finally catches his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"
The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last 4. The other 20 million are already there.
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:
'Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world? The survey was a failure.
In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant;
in India they didn't know what 'honest' meant;
in Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant;
in China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant;
in the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant;
in South America they didn't know what 'please' meant;
in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant.
I recently met a Chinese man and his name was Kannaswami.
I asked him: "How did you ever get a name like that being a Chinese?"
He said: "Many, many years ago when I first went to USA, I was standing in line at the Political Asylums Immigration Counter. The man in front of me was a Sri Lankan Tamil r**....
The white lady at the counter looked at him and asked "What is your name?" He replied "Kannaswami".
Then she looked at me and asked "What's your name?"
I said, "Sem Ting".
Fu, Bu and Chu are three Chinese men.
One day, they decided to move to the USA.
They also decided to change their names, as to not be discriminated against.
Chu changed his name to Chuck.
Bu changed his name to Buck.
And Fu decided to go back to China.
I have a friend who really hates living in Central USA.
She says she's in a constant state of Missouri.
The last four presidents of the USA each ran one mile.
Trump made a time of 11:56
Clinton was slightly faster, timing at 11:31
Obama was very fast, he ran a 10:03
But Bush did 9:11
On Sunday November 6th, USA will move an hour back ...
... and on Tuesday November 8th, we move back half a century.
His cousin
A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up.
The Doctor shows the letters on the board: CZWXNQSTAZKY
Doctor: Can you read this ?
Russian: Read ??? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.
My friend said to me, "Whenever a World Cup game is on, let's eat something to do with that team for dinner that night."
Mexico was on, we had burritos.
Japan was on, we had sushi.
USA was on, we had burgers.
Italy was on, we had pizza.
Tuesday is England, so we're going out.
What's the difference between USA and USB?
One connects to your devices and gathers your personal data, and the other is an industry standard.
Australia is doing phenomenally on the Olympic medal tally considering our population
#1. USA: 318.9 million
#2. China: 1.357 billion
#3. Japan: 173.3 million
#4. Australia: 48 as of last census
An international conference was being held..
In which USA, North Korea, Europe and Africa were taking part.
The judge said,"I would like to hear your opinions about shortage of food in the rest of the world, if you have any questions, please feel free to ask us".
African president asked, "What is food?".
Europe asked, "What is Short?".
USA asked, "What is the rest of the world?".
North Korea asked, "What is Opinion?".
With all these natural disasters happening,
Its almost as if the USA was built over thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
There were 3 Chinese men...
Han, Chan and Fan were planning on migrating to the USA.
They all wanted to assimilate as quickly as possible, so they decided to adopt more traditional American sounding names.
Han decided that he would be Huck.
Chan decided that he would be Chuck.
And Fan...well Fan decided that he`d stay in China.
So much has been going wrong in the USA
You would think it had been built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
In Japan they invented a machine that catches thieves
In Japan they invented a machine that catches thieves, so they took it out to different countries for a test. In USA, in 30 minutes, it caught 20 thieves,
UK, in 30 minutes it caught 500 thieves,
Spain in 20 minutes it caught 25 thieves :
Nigeria in 10 minutes it caught 6,000 thieves,
Uganda in 7 minutes it caught 20,000 thieves,
Then they brought it to South Africa , in 5 minutes the machine was stolen.
My blonde gf thinks...
My blonde gf thinks that USB is a back up plan just in case USA fails.
Wanna hear something g**... about USA?
$18.124 trillion
UK: We call it "Autumn", from the French word "Automne", and later, from the Latin "autumnus".
USA: WE CALL IT FALL BECAUSE LEAVES FALL DOWN
I hope aliens don't land in the USA and say "take me to your leader"
How embarrassing would that be
The USA is proud because their Founding Fathers had strong convictions
Big deal the founders of Australia had convictions too.
What's the difference between North Korea and the USA?
In North Korea, power passes from grandfather to grandson.
In the USA, power passes from grandfather to grandfather.
When I was young, I brought a pie to the USA, a pie to Russia, and a pie to North Korea.
All because my maths teacher told me to carry pie to 3 dismal places.
A worldwide survey has been carried out with the following question:
*"PLEASE, GIVE US YOUR OPINION ON THE LACK OF FOOD IN THE REST OF THE World"* No result was achieved, since the following problems were facedduring the survey's implementation:
1. In Western Europe no one knew what is "lack"
2. In Africa no one knew what is "food"
3. In Eastern Europe no one knew what is "opinion"
4. In South America no one knew what is "please"
5. In the USA no one knew what is "rest of the world"
What do Michael Jackson and USA have in common?
They both desperately wanted to be white. And the last great thing they did was a moon walk.
President of South Korea Impeached.
Hopefully the USA will follow suit, and have their president deoranged.
Large tsunami hits Mexico - 300k were killed...
...Canada sends money, Brazilia sends food, USA sends 300k mexicans.
I got a bit bored on a long highway drive and started scrolling through the various voice choices on my GPS.
There was a USA accent, a French accent and even an Australian accent. Then I noticed "Wife mode". So I selected it, and nothing seemed to happen, until about 10 miles later the GPS said,
"So, if I died, would you get a new GPS?""
Breaking news, as Kim Jong-Un's nuclear missiles have reached the USA!
Fortunately, the stamps were recognised and they were sent back
Why didn't USA switch from pounds to grams?
Because of mass outrage.
An American and a German are discussing freedom of speech.
The German says:
>Here in Germany, contrary to what a lot of you Americans think, we do have freedom of speech. Everyone here hates Putin, but I could walk right up to the Bundestag and proclaim: "I love Vladimir Putin!" And I wouldn't even be arrested!
The American replies:
>Ah, yes, but in the USA we're even freer. I could walk right up to the White House and shout "I love Vladimir Putin"... and they'd let me in!
Did you hear about the French fencer who frequently spent time in the USA for competitions?
He eventually applied for duel citizenship.
The US confederate flags supporters should be proud.
They are part of a long line of countries that lost wars to the USA.
The Russian president is on a visit to the USA.
So he is taken on a tour of various tech companies to show him their superiority.
"This," says Bob, "is the smartest computer in the world. Ask it any question, and it will answer you correctly."
The Russian president is intrigued. So he decides to trick the computer and asks: "Who will be the superpower 100 years from today?"
The computer goes silent for a minute, then prints out a paper which the Russian president takes.
"So?" asks Bob. "What does it say?"
"I have no idea," replied the Russian president. "It is written in Chinese"
What's an argument in the Middle East but a compliment in the U.S.A?
"You da bomb"
"No, you da bomb!"
What's the difference between the USA and a yoghurt?
If you leave the yoghurt alone for over 200 years, there is going to be some sort of culture.
Trump meets the Queen
So Donald asks the Queen how you get to be king or a duke or other Royalty.
Queen:' Look Donald, an Emperor rules an Empire, a king rules a kingdom, a prince ruled a principality, a duke rules a duchy and so on'
Donald:' I rule the USA, what does that make me'
Queen: that's a country, that makes you a ....
There was freedom of speech in the Soviet Union, just like in USA
You can stand in front of the White House and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished.
Equally, you can also stand in Red Square in Moscow and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished.
USA has 9/11, France has 11/13, and Israel has?
24/7
One more for the road. Abu Al Abid went to USA for the first time,
He opened a furniture shop & a l**... shop.
In 6 months....
he made a good business.
.
He sends an email to his wife saying:
Please rush, pack up & come to USA,
I sold 100 mattresses and 5000 p**....
I made $100,000.
She replies:
It is better that you close your shop and come back fast.
With 1 mattress & with no p**...
I made $300,000.. ...
What is the difference betweeen the USA and a USB
One records and reads all of your personal data, and the other is a hardware standard.
Timezones are so cool
Australia is in 2021
USA is in 2020
North Korea is in 1963
Now I understand the need for USB
The USA is broken, so they needed to make a new one.
What joke is the same in all european languages?
USA
Dad, my Geography teacher Adolf will give me a quiz tomorrow.
Sure Hans. Let me ask you some questions.
Capital of Germany? Berlin
Capital of France? Berlin
Capital of Russia? Berlin
Capital of Poland? Berlin
Capital of USA? Tokyo
Capital of China? Tokyo
Hotel? Trivago
That's my boy.
It's annoying how nothing is made in the USA anymore.
I just bought a TV, and it wrote "Built in Antenna" on the box.
Why does Mexico never get gold medals in olympics?
Because all their swimmers, runners, and high jumpers are in USA.
What happens when USA fails?
USB
The Corporate Ladder
A recent study in USA have found an interesting relationship between a man social status and the sport he watches
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employee is BOWLING
3. The sport of choice for front line workers is American FOOTBALL
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL
5. The sport of Choice for middle management is TENNIS
6. the sport of Choice for corporate Officers is GOLF
CONCLUSION: The Higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your b**... become
whats the difference between the USA and a yogurt?
If you leave a yogurt unwatched for 500 years it will develop its own culture.
