Us Army Jokes
45 us army jokes and hilarious us army puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about us army that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Us Army Short Jokes
Short us army jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The us army humour may include short army jokes also.
- My grandfather was part of Antifa back in the 1940s. Back then they called it the US Army.
- TIL that Orville Redenbacher served in the US army. Even though he was a colonel he didn't want to be saluted. He only required a micro-wave.
- What is the difference between the US Army and US schools? They both get shot at but only the Army gets to shoot back
- Two marines are flying into an unfamiliar airport The put the flaps up and descend lower, lower, lower and finally touch down. The brakes of the plane screeches and howl unlike anything you've ever heard. The plane comes to a stop just inches from the terminal. The pilot exlaims "that's the shortest d**... runway I've ever seen". The co-pilot looks to the left, then looks to the right and says "Yea, but it sure is wide"
- Australian in the US army A drill sergeant is yell at an Australian private.
Officer: did you come here to die!!!
Private: no sir I came here yesterday.
(Must say in Australian accent.) - The Russian army orders 100K rubbers from a US company, specifying 12" fit needed. The US firm fills the order with packaging marked "MEDIUM."
- I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen.... .....Ungrateful bleeders, all I said was,
'Hurry up, for Pete's sake, some of us have got homes to go to!' - Will was killed during his first battle with the US army His comrades got confused when their commander yelled: "Fire at Will!"
- Do you know where all the note 7's are? Rumor has it, they were given to the US Army to use as grenades.
- I went to the dermatologist the other day He said my skin was making too much oil. That's right when the US army broke down the door and stormed in
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Us Army One Liners
Which us army one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with us army? I can suggest the ones about us military and army air force.
- How many US Army personnel does it take to change a lightbulb? [CLASSIFIED]
- How far away is the US Army's website? Just a few klicks away.
- NASA just announced discovery of oil on Mars Humans* are finally going to Mars
* US Army - What does the US Army have in common with a queen bee? Drones do all their work for them
- When the US Army couldn't Pass Muster the Indians Cut Custer
- What was antifa called in the '40s? The US Army.
- What's the us army tanksman's favorite song? "Tanks for the memories"!
Us Army Jokes to Giggle and Enjoy A Night of Unforgettable Laughter
What funny jokes about us army you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean armed forces jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make us army pranks.
An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years.
He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak.
His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail.
He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father."
The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed"
At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.
A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed."
Two brothers enlisting in the Army
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were
getting their physicals. During the inspection,
the doctor was surprised to discover that
both of them possessed incredibly long,
oversized p**....
"How do you account for this?" he asked the
brothers.
"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file.
"Your father's the reason for your elongated
p**...?"
"No sir, our mother."
"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have
pen*ses!"
"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only
had one arm, and when it came to getting us
out of the bathtub, she had to manage as
best she could.
A Greek and an Italian...
are arguing the virtues of their respective cultures in antiquity.
The Greek says, "Us Greeks had great armies and built a great empire that expanded throughout the Mediterranean and Asia Minor."
The Italian says, "And the Romans had greater armies and a much bigger empire, encompassing most of Europe and parts of Asia and Africa."
The Greek says, "But the Greeks made great advances in art and philosophy!"
And the Italian says, "Yes, and the Romans made even greater advances in architecture and science!"
The Greek is getting frustrated now, and blurts out, "Well, we discovered the pleasures of love and s**...!"
The Italian responds, "Yeah, but we introduced the concept to women."
A North Korean soldier runs across the DMZ and yells to the US Army "Kim Jong Un is an idiot!" and gets thrown in a labor camp for 16 years by the government.
1 year for insulting the Dear Leader and the other 15 for revealing a state secret.
Army Brats Funny Joke
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized p**.... "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers. "It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied. "I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated p**...?" "No sir, our mother." "Your mother? You idiot, women don't have p**...!" "I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."
Army Wargames
During an Army war game, a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.
"Sorry sir, "said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way."
The officer turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."
They helped.
An Army general and a Navy admiral are both in a public restroom.
The admiral finishes peeing, and leaves without washing his hands. The general also finishes up, but washes his hands.
On the way out the door, the general asks, "What, did they not teach you to wash your hands in the Navy?"
The admiral replies, "No, they taught us not to pee on our hands."
How to Tell the Difference Between the Branches of the US Armed Forces!
If you give the command "SECURE THE BUILDING", here is what the different services would do:
The NAVY would turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The ARMY would surround the building with defensive fortifications, tanks and concertina wire.
The MARINE CORPS would assault the building, using overlapping fields of fire from all appropriate points on the perimeter.
The AIR FORCE would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy the building.
3 years ago during my first reservists training
I am from Singapore and all relatively healthy males need to serve the army for 2 years and 10 reservist cycles
During my first reservists, many of our combat boots start to fall apart due to the adhesive hardening up and breaking apart, thus many of us have to walk to the store to purchase new boots while wearing the boots that were disintegrating with every step
There is only 1 route and it is a walk by the road, and many boots do not hold itself together long enough to reach the store
I call this road
*The road of lost soles*
Why did the US Army take over a bleach factory in 2003 in Kuwait?
They wanted a base of operations.
the differences between the branches of the US military
If you tell the Army "Secure that building!"
They will surround it with armor and heavy infantry and not let anyone out of it until told to
If you tell the Marines "Secure that building!"
They will storm the building, eliminate any resistance, and allow no one to enter it until told to.
If you tell the Navy "Secure that building!"
They will turn out the lights, close and lock all doors and windows and post a fire watch
If you tell the Air Force "Secure that building!"
They will take out a 30 year lease with an option to buy.
US army to o**... : What do you want to say in your defence ?
US army to o**... : What do you want to say in your defence ?
o**... : I am not guilty for 9/11, Pilot was inexperienced.
As a new mechanic in the US military, I must admit I abhor the army standard when working on equipment overseas.
I much prefer the army metric.
Two brothers enlisting in the Army
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were undergoing their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to see that both of the men possessed extraordinarily long p**....
How do you account for this? he asked the brothers.
It's hereditary, sir, replied the older brother.
I see, said the doctor, writing in his file. Your father's the reason for your elongated p**...?
No, sir, our mother.
Your mother? said the doctor. Don't be so ridiculous! Women don't have p**...!
I know, sir, replied the recruit, but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could.
A man jumps into a lion's cage to save a 5 year old boy by punching the lion in the nose
Soon, reporters are on the scene.
"Why don't you tell us a bit more about yourself"
"Well, I'm currently a stockbroker, but I got out of the Army only two years ago"
"What do you do for fun"
"I'm an avid fisherman, and I teach rifle safety classes for the NRA"
"Who'd you vote for in the last election"
"Trump."
The next day, the headline reads:
*GUN TOTING RIGHT WING CRAZY REPUBLICAN CRAZED VETERAN CAPITALIST PUNCHES AN AFRICAN IMMIGRANT IN THE FACE, STEALS HIS LUNCH*
Why was a Lieutenant Colonel of the US army music program fired, along with one of his direct subordinates?
He was caught f**... A Major.
Army vs. Navy
An Army Colonel and a Navy Commodore dressed in ceremonial attire, are taking a pee in the men's room.
Post finishing their business, the Army guy washes his hands and dries them on a towel.
The Navy guy proceeds to just walk out.
Seeing this, the Army guy can't resist taking a snipe and says, 'Didn't the Navy teach you to wash your hands after peeing?'
The Navy guys replies, 'Nah! In the Navy they just taught us not to pee on our hands.'
After years of loneliness, I finaly gathered all my courage to take my ex out
It's good to be a s**... in the US army
Medical Exams
Two brothers enlisting in the army were having their medical exams. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized p**....
How do you account for this? he asked the brothers.
It's hereditary, sir, the older one replied.
I see, said the doctor, writing in his file. Your father's the reason for your elongated p**...?
No sir, said the younger brother, our mother.
Your mother? the doctor asked. You idiot, women don't have p**...!
I know, sir, replied the recruit, but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bath, she had to manage as best as she could.
A Russian, a Brit and an American are stuck on a mountain
While they wait for rescue to arrive, they get together for a meal. As everyone is taking out their kits and prepping, the Russian starts boasting "in the soviet army, they feed us 2000 calories of food a day". The Brit turns and scoffs at him, then he says " in the royal army, we are fed 4000 calories of food a day". The American waiting for his turns goes and says "in the us army we are fed 8000 calories a day". At that point, the Russian jumps up and yells at the American "NON SENSE. NO ONE CAN EAT THAT MUCH CABBAGE IN ONE DAY".
A navy and army soldier walk into the toilet
They both take a p**... into the u**.... As they exit, the army man goes toward the sinks to wash his hands, while the navy man goes straight for the door.
The army man says: "In the army, they taught us to wash our hands after peeing!"
to which the navy man replies: "In the navy, they taught us not to pee all over our hands!"
