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Urges Jokes

37 urges jokes and hilarious urges puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about urges that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Urges Short Jokes

Short urges jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The urges humour may include short begs jokes also.

  1. You know when you get the urge to eat something just because it's there? Anyways, I lost my job as a gynecologist today.
  2. My urge to sing "The lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
  3. At any given time, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away... A whim away, a whim away.
  4. What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common? Neither one can resist the urge to crack open a cold one .
  5. My wife left me because she said I had a drinking problem After she left I lost the urge to drink.
  6. Why did the polka band start playing during the parade? They couldn’t resist the urge to polka around!
  7. Somebody must have roofied my drink last night. I woke up at 4:00 this morning with an irresistible urge to go hammer some shingles.
  8. Brett Kavanaugh is being urged to withdraw, but is refusing to. A bit like that time in 1982.
  9. Do you ever have the urge to eat something right in front of you? Anyways, that's how I lost my job as a gynaecologist...
  10. I have have developed cat-like reflexes. By which I mean an irresistible urge to curl up and nap on any freshly made bed.

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Urges One Liners

Which urges one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with urges? I can suggest the ones about encourage and pleads.

  1. The urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is always just a whim away Aweem away
  2. Necrophilia The irresistible urge to crack open a cold one.
  3. What do you call the urge to crack open a cold one? Necrophilia.
  4. The urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight Is never more than a whim away.
  5. The urge to sing 'The lion sleeps tonight", is only just a whim-away, a whim-away...
  6. Saw a billboard today, urging me to DONATE Who is Nate?
  7. What do you call a sudden urge to solve differential equations? Calculust
  8. Necrophillia The insatiable urge to crack open a cold one
  9. What's the definition of Necrophilia? The urge to pop a cold one.
  10. The urge to sing the Lion King song is just a whim away..a whim away..
  11. Doctor, doctor! I have an overwhelming urge to just hold things! '...take these.'
  12. Group Necrophilia The urge to crack open a cold one with the boys.
  13. What do you call a flock of crows who are resisting the urge to sin? *A tempted m**...*
  14. Why do baked goods always have an urge for s**...? Because they're in heat.

Urges joke, Why do baked goods always have an urge for s**...?

Hilarious Fun Urges Jokes That Will Have You Rolling with Laughter

What funny jokes about urges you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean beckons jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make urges pranks.

A Paladin takes his car to a mechanic

A Paladin takes his car to a mechanic. "Whenever I'm driving, I get these strange urges to run over pedestrians."
The mechanic has a look under the car. "Your alignment is off."

68

A man urges his wife to try a new s**... position - The . Curious, she asks about what romantic and exotic position her husband wants to try. "Well honey" he answers, "it's quite simple, you give me a b**..., and I owe you one"

So a pirate has been on a ship for 6 months...

but there are no women on the ship and being male,he had some...urges, so he asked the captain " arr its been 6 months since we've had a lass on the ship and some of the others are getting urges. what can we do about them??" and the captain responds" go down to the front of the ship and there will be a barrel, stick your privates in there and go at it." so he did as he was told and when he was done he came back. he told the captain " captain! that was great! how many times can i use it????" and the captain turned to him and said " every day except thursday." and the pirate asked " why?" the captain responded " aye, because thats your turn to be in the barrel."

A greedy man, a r**..., and an alcoholic...

A greedy man, a r**..., and an alcoholic meet a genie. The genie says to them, "If you can resist your urges I will grant you each one wish. But should you fail, you will disappear" The three men agreed and tried to go a full day without alcohol, r**..., and theft. The alcoholic's wife leaves him so he takes a drink, then he disappears. Later the greedy man is on the bus and a lady drops a dollar. The man bends down to keep it, and the r**... disappears.

There used to be no treatment for those uncontrollable urges as a kleptomaniac...

...nowadays, you can just take something for it.

An Army Captain is assigned to a remote desert post in Iraq

During inspection, he notices a camel t**... outside the barracks. He asks the soldier, "why is that camel there?"
The soldier says: "There are 250 men here and no women. Sometimes men get urges."
A month later the Captian has urges himself. He puts the ladder behind the camel, drops his trousers and has s**... with the camel. He asks the soldier: "Is that how the men do it?"
"No sir, they usually ride it to the brothel!"

My friends say that my sudden urges to crack open a cold one is becoming a problem.

I just don't see the issue with necrophilia.

In the shrinks office...

* jack paces around muttering "I'm a wig-Wam; I'm a tee-pee. I'm a wig-wam; I'm a tee-pee." Shrink urges, "you need to take a seat, you're too tents."
* meanwhile the receptionist presses the emergency button because a deranged man walked in wearing nothing but a plastic wrap thong. Shrink asks through the intercom, "why do you think he's deranged?" The receptionist responds, "Doc, I can clearly see he's nuts."

My son has recently started m**...

On one hand: He is finding a way to deal with his urges
But on the other hand: ....

I asked my pharmacist to refill my molesterol prescription today...

He looked at me "molesterol?" I said "yeah, I dont wanna succumb to those little urges Bill Cosby and Kevin Spacey have".

What's one sign you're addicted to Angry Birds?

Whenever you visit the supermarket, you feel sudden and uncontrollable urges to knock over crates. (We have a top 10 of these. Are we allowed to link to this list?)

Two men break out of a mental institution.

Two men steal flashlights and break out of a mental institution. They find themselves on the roof of the building with orderlies closing in. The men look and see there is an adjacent roof they might be able to jump onto. The first man runs and leaps over the gap, landing on the roof of the next building.
"Come on, jump!" He urges.
The second man replies, "I can't! I'm too scared!"
The first man yells, "I'll shine my flashlight across the roofs and you can walk on the light to me!"
"I'm not a fool!" Exclaims the second man. "You'll turn the light off when I'm half way across!"

3 Nuns go to confession. (Semi-n**...)

The first nun says "Father, I have sinned, I have not been not been going to church every Sunday"
The priest says, "Alright that will be 5 hail mary's and God will forgive you."
The second nun says "Father, I have sinned, I have not been performing my duties with charity work since I became a nun"
The priest says, "Alright that will be 5 hail mary's, and 5 our fathers and God will forgive you."
The third nun says "Father, I have sinned, I have not been wearing p**..., and I have been having s**... urges"
The priest says, "Alright that will be 5 hail mary's, and 5 our fathers, and five cartwheels and God will forgive you."

Alabama Wedding

Deep in the heart of Alabama, a son arrives to his father's house with exciting news.
"Paw, I met the best girl in the world, and we're about to get married!"
The father seems excited, and urges his son to describe her.
"Well, she's quick as a whip, funny as a bone, most gorgeous girl south of dixie," and after every description, the father hollers his approval.
"And best of all... she's a v**...!"
At the last statement, the father's excitement disappears. The son looks confused, and asks him what's the matter. The father shouts back,
"If she ain't good enough for her family, what makes you think she's good enough for ours?"

A guy gets shipwrecked onto an island with a dog and a pig

So a guy gets shipwrecked onto an island with a dog and a pig. After years, he gets s**... urges and his mind visualizes the pig as a super hot woman. Everytime he tries to get the pig alone and put his arm around it, the dog starts barking loudly and scaring the pig to run away. One day a super beautiful lady gets washed ashore. He nurses her back to health and takes care of her. One day he's sitting right next to her staring at the beautiful sunset then leans into her ear and whispers " hey, can you go take the dog for a walk".

THE NEW RECRUIT

A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long.
"Let me show you," says the captain.
He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it.
"This'll be the best s**... you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy."
The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns.
"Wow! That was the best s**... I've ever had! I want to do it every day!"
"Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday."
"Why not Thursday?"
"That's your day in the barrel."

The v**...

One evening a v**... Miss found herself being seduced by an experienced Beau. As she realized her urges would lead herself to his bed she began to question the unknown. "Beau what should happen if I was to become pregnant?" she worried allowed. "Miss then we would have but few options to consider. Plan a: we would be married. I will work day and night to assure our family is forever happy." he replied. "What of Plan B?" she questioned. "Miss, the pharmacist shall explain first thing in the morning."

A man, a dog and a pig are in a boat...

Lost at sea, they wreck the boat and swim to a deserted island. Stranded there for months with little to do, the man begins to get urges and becomes oddly attracted to the pig. The man tries to mount the pig one day and out of no where the dog runs up and bites the man. Two days later, the man tries again. Again, the dog bites the man. The dog is not letting this happen. This continues to happen and suddenly, the man hears a cry from the water and sees a woman struggling as her boat is also wrecked and sinking. He quickly swims out to save the woman and brings her ashore. As she collects herself, she says to the man, "Thank you so much for saving my life! If there is anything I can do for you, and I mean anything, it will be done!" The man replies, "Can you take that dog for a walk?"

An airplane crashes on a deserted island and only 2 men and a woman survive.

The three wait and survive for a few weeks before they realize that they aren't going to be rescued. They decide to accept their fate and start enjoying life on the island. They have plenty of food, water, and other supplies that they found around the island. Naturally they start to have urges, and they decide that the guys will take turns for when the girl is in the mood.
So life is good for a few weeks until the girl becomes fatally ill. The girl dies a week later. So the two men think about what they should do now.
Man 1: "I have an idea... But I've never done it before."
Man 2: "I know what you're thinking. I'm willing to try it..."
So every night for about 3 weeks after the girl died, the men attempt the idea and each morning both men are sore and disgusted. Finally one night:
Man 1: "STOP! We can't do this anymore! It isn't right! It's not natural!"
Man 2: "Yes, I agree... We'll bury her body in the morning."

A german man 3 years after the war went into the Church...

...He goes to the confession booth and says to the priest
"Father, I have a confession"
"Tell me all about it." The priest replies.
"Well during the war I was harbouring a 17 year old jewish girl." The man says
"The war's over now, that's nothing to be ashamed of."
"And every day she would come down from the attic, and we would have s**..., twice on a sunday."
"It's okay," the priest replies "everybody has urges."
"Oh, and one more thing Father."
"Yes, you can tell me."
"Do you think I should tell her the war is over?"

One I remember from high-school (kids, stay away)

So, there are these two guys and a woman who get stranded on an island.
After a couple of months of trying to escape and learning to survive, they decide to tough it out on the island until someone comes by and rescues them.
With the obvious urges exceedingly present and with their lack of options, they decide to enter into a ménage à t**... -- the deal being that the woman will spend one week with one of the men, and then switch.
This goes on for a couple of years, and no one comes to the rescue. They live and prosper on the island until one day, the woman suddenly dies.
Her two lovers, obviously upset at her death, continue to live on the island, still hoping for escape, but with their hope at lengths' end.
The first week after her passing is terrible.
The second week is excruciating.
The third week, one of them breaks down in tears and refuses to speak to the other -- since it's so abysmal.
The fourth week, they have no choice but to bury her.
(Sorry in advance if this is a bit grisly)

Molly the Camel

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there. The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly The Camel.
The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.'
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild and insane s**... with the camel.
When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'
'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are.'

Two men and a woman are shipwrecked on an island...

Eventually the men start to feel the calling of being a man and respectably ask the woman if they would be able to unleash their urges. The woman agrees and they proceed to do the job. This goes on for a couple of months and the woman takes turns with each of them whenever they feel their call. Eventually the woman dies and the men dispair. A few weeks go by and they decide to have s**.... Again, this goes on for a couple more weeks and one day one man turns to the other "this really isn't right." The other one responds "You're right, we should bury the body."

Urges joke, Two men and a woman are shipwrecked on an island...