Urge Jokes

A black man and a white man are crossing the golden gate bridge.

When both of them get the urge to take a wizz so they start urinating from the bridge.
The white man comments to the black man how dirty the water is to which the black man replies.
And cold too.

The urgent care center in town was torn down...

...it was clinically depressed

Today, in math class,

I had the urge to f**.... I had the bright idea that if I dropped my textbook and f**... at the same time, nobody would hear it. I dropped my textbook, everyone looked at me, then I f**....
Loudly.

I made this joke!

One day the king feels the urge to examine his castle dungeons and ensure everything is running smoothly. His examination is going well when he runs across the guy operating the rack. After a bit of conversation the king asks how the rack operator's job is going to which he replies "well, it's just one long 'knight' after another."

At any given moment the urge to sing is just a whim away.

A whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away...

Sometimes I just get the urge to belt out The Lion Sleeps Tonight.

After all, it's only a whim away.

The oldest joke in the world: "How do you entertain a bored pharaoh?"

You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish.

Sometimes I get the urge to run around n**..... But then I just drink some Windex. It keeps me from streaking.

A Paladin goes into a mechanic's shop...

A paladin goes in to a mechanic's shop, and says "Hey, you've got to help me. Normally, I'm a perfect, upstanding paladin. I help old ladies cross the street, I tithe, I slay evil demons. But when I get in my car, I only have the urge to cause property damage and run people over. What's going on?"
The mechanic responds almost immediately. "Oh, yeah. What you've got there is a problem with your alignment."

Sometimes when I'm singing a song a get an urge to skip the chorus...

But I always refrain

Why does Jarod Fogle go to AA meetings in prison?

Because he has to talk to someone that knows the urge of wanting to crack open a tall boy.

Urgent: I need your best "I'm hungrier than a.../hungry as a..." joke

I gotta text my dad back soon with a good one

Whenever I get the urge to run around n**..., I stop and drink a bit of Windex

It prevents streaking.

Cigarettes on a boat.

Three sailors are on a boat. They have four cigarettes and feel the sudden urge to smoke, but the problem is they don't have a lighter. How do they smoke?
They toss one of the cigarettes into the ocean to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

I just learnt that boxing is about two guys fighting the urge to come out as gay...

I mean. Two shirtless men fighting over a belt and a purse.
And they have to have another guy near them at all times who's entire job is to stop them from hugging.

The girl I'm dating is half Polish and half German.

I asked her if she ever got the urge to invade herself.

URGENT: HOW TO SAVE NET NEUTRALITY (PLEASE READ)

Page loading...

Any time I see smiling psychics on TV, I have this uncontrollable urge to slap them in the face.

I guess I'm always willing to strike a happy medium.

At any given moment the urge to sing the lion sleeps tonight is just a whim away

A whim away, a whim a way, a whim away AAAAAWEEEEE^EEEEE^^EEEEEEE^^^EEEEEEE

A man walks into a buffet...

He puts a sausage on his plate, and his German friend says "now you're speaking my language!".
Then, he adds a slice of pizza to his plate, and his Italian friend says "now you're speaking my language!".
Then, the man has an incredible urge to sneeze. He reaches for a napkin and raises it up, and his French friend says "now you're speaking my language!".

My mother in law is like a treasure,

I feel a strong urge to bury her on a deserted island

URGENT: Do not open any emails from Hormel Foods

It might be SPAM!

You know that urge to eat something just because it's there?

That's why I'm not a gynecologist.

A lot of people really don't like to hear r**... jokes, but I have this secret urge to tell them anyway.

So, I have to be really, really careful - so they don't wake up during the punchline.

What is the difference between a football and a three year old?

You don't feel the urge to kick footballs in Tesco.

You ever get the urge to eat something, just because it's there?

Is anyone looking for a new Gynecologist? I'm recently unemployed.

You know what they say about the song "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"

The urge to sing is just a whim away

.....Suddenly, my eyes widened and I choked the urge to scream....

...then sneezed, but no one is around to bless me.

URGENT BREAKING NEWS...

Corduroy pillow cases are making all the headlines.

I still don't know why I got fired today at school...

I was talking to my boss about how at lunch these two thespians were putting on quite a show. I was enjoying it, but I had an urge, so I kept masticating.

Yall ever just get the urge to eat something just because it's there?

Any way I list my job as a gynecologist today

(Translated from Estonian) A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. After he had found a place to sit down, he suddenly feels an urge to pee.

But he just can't leave the beer on the table, somebody would drink it. He also can't take the beer to the toilet, that would just be weird.
So, he suddenly had an idea to leave a sign next to the beer. The sign said: "I spit in here".
When he got back from the toilet, he found another sign: "Me too".

A couple of good covid jokes I've heard

1. I dont know anything about Coronavirus other than if you have it; you get an undeniable urge to go the airport.
2. By the point most of the world has been exposed to covid 19, but the people in Wuhan got it right of the bat.
3. You know why I think coronavirus wont last for more than a year.
WHY?
coz it's made in China.
4. I dont think anyone saw a worldwide pandemic happening this year. I guess most people don't have 2020 vision.

Urgent message to all older men...

There has been a terrible spate of robberies by a gang of young women. Their MO is to pull you over on the road and hitch a ride. They always wear skimpy bikinis, then start to rub themselves on you while you're driving in order to distract you. One of them then sneakily steals your wallet. I have already lost four wallets this week. But you can buy cheap wallets at the dollar store.

Urgent news: A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.

Archologist believe it maybe Pharaoh Roche...

A German guy, wanting to escape the cold and dark German winter, books a holiday to Miami.

A German guy, wanting to escape the cold and dark German winter, books a holiday to Miami. His first day there, he heads to the nearest beach bar and proceeds to pound down mai tais. After 5 or 6 drinks, he feels a strong urge to pee, and in his drunken state, he swivels his stool around and starts peeing right onto the sand. Just then, a young woman happens to walk by and shrieks "g**...!"
His cheeks blush as he yells back "Danke!"

1st grade teacher asked the students: What is the fastest thing in the world? Tony replied: lightning. Melanie said: light Jimmy said:

Diahrrea.
The teacher asked Jimmy why He tought diahrrea was the fastest thing in the world?
Jimmy said:
Last night while sleeping I felt the urge to go to the bathroom, I got up as fast as a lightning went to turn the light on and before the light was on I had already s**... myself.

I got my Covid shot today. I feel fine, except...

I have this strange urge to change my browser to Edge.

The newly appointed army captain, while inspecting the soldiers' barracks, saw a female horse.

**Captain**: What's that horse for?
**Soldier**: Our men use her if they can no longer control the urge, sir.
**Captain**: Ah, that's fine then.
One lonely night, the captain felt the urge, so he asked the soldier to bring the horse to his tent. When the captain was done with the horse, he said to the soldier waiting outside his tent.
**Captain**: It's so d**... hard! How the h**... do you guys do it?
**Soldier**: We ride on the horse to the next town where the girls are, sir.

My neighbor. She's single. She's shapely & beautiful and she lives right across the street.

I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.
I opened the door, she looked at me and said, I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are you doing anything?
I quickly replied, Nope, I'm free!
Great she said. Can you watch my dog?

I took my kids to the local pool the other day..

We were down the shallow end when I had the sudden urge to pee. I slowly and inconspicuously made my way up to the deep end to relieve myself. As I'm about halfway through the lifeguard noticed what I was doing. He blew his whistle so hard I nearly fell in.

Patient: Doc, every time I open my eyes, I have this weird urge to throw up!

Doctor: Wow. This is the worst case of see sickness I have ever encountered.

At any given time, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" ...

... is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away ...

Does anyone else get overtaken by the urge to start singing about big cats?

For me, it's always just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away…