The Best 84 Upstairs Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Upstairs jokes. There are some upstairs stair jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these upstairs bed puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Upstairs Jokes and Puns

After kissing a girl on her sofa she said let's take this upstairs

Ok I said You grab one end and I'll grab the other

My wife shouted upstairs, The sun's just come out.

I thought great, threw on some shorts and flip flops and shot down the stairs.

I was rather shocked when I got down to find my son holding hands with his mate Michael.

Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone, mother said, going upstairs.


But I couldn't help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.

Nobody's going to wear those, I said. They're stupid.

But on he worked.

Upstairs joke,  Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,  mother said, going upstairs.

A koala bear walks into a brothel picks out the best looking girl and heads upstairs with her.

While up there he eats her out like a madman doing things she's never even heard of.

After about an hour he gets up heads out the door.
The girl stops him and demands payment.

The bear doesn't understand. She has him look up prostitute in the dictionary, a person who trades sex for money. Still a little confused he asks what does it say about me.

Koala bear, an Australian native animal that eats bushes and leaves.

The Heart Attack

THE HEART ATTACK

A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed,
sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.

'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..
The blonde rushes downstairs to use the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son says
"Mummy mummy, aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe & she has no clothes on"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom
right past her husband..rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is
her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.
'You rotten Bitch', she screams.
'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around
naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'


Little Johnny Has A Question

A boy comes home from school one day looking for his father. He has an assignment that he needs a little help with. He finds his father and tells him that he has to write a paper explaining the difference between potentially and actually.

His father says to him "That's an easy one", "Go upstairs and find your sister; ask her if she'd sleep with the mailman for $10,000."

So the boy does as he is told. When he comes back down he tells his father what he learned. "She said yes, dad." "So," said his dad "Find your mother, now, and ask her if she'd sleep with the mailman for $10,000 as well."

The boy does as he is asked, and then returns to his father again.

"She said yes too, dad." "Well, there you go." said the dad.

The boy looked at his father, puzzled.

He smiled, "Potentially we're sitting on a gold mine; but, actually I live with a couple of whores!"

My upstairs neighbor recently made a groundbreaking discovery...

He can't fly

Upstairs joke, My upstairs neighbor recently made a groundbreaking discovery...

Little Johnny and his ball.

Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, "mommy mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, daddy came in with the lady next door and they started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off daddy's clothes and daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of daddy and started...". The mother cuts him off and says "just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me." Couple hours later the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face shouting "I'm leaving you... Go ahead Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier." Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. "Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door and you both started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off your clothes and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing mom did with uncle joe last summer."

I heard that my upstairs neighbor was a vet, so I brought him my dog for a well visit.

Turns out he was a Vietnam vet, and he ended up strangling the dog after it started to bark at him.

My wife shouted upstairs, "the sun's just come out."

My wife shouted upstairs, "the sun's just come out." I thought great, threw on some shorts and flip flops and shot down the stairs. I was rather shocked when I got down to find our lad holding hands with his mate Michael.

A Foot And A Half

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.

Don't worry, Maria, says the mother, all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!

Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.

So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!

Stay here and stir the pasta, says the mother.

This is a job for Mama.

You can explore upstairs minutes reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean upstairs hallway dad jokes. There are also upstairs puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


There are three men in a brothel. One is going downstairs, one is going upstairs and another is in a room. What are their ethnicities?

The man going downstairs is Finnish, the man going upstairs is Russian, and the man in the room is Himalayan.

A trip to the dentist

A woman walks into a dentist's office, sits down in the chair, pulls down her pants and spreads her legs. The dentist says to her, "I think you've got the wrong place. The gynecologist's office is upstairs." The woman says back, "No mistake. You put my husband's dentures in, and now you're gonna get them out."

A husband calls his wife from his office, and the maid picks up...

The husband ask, "Hello, is my wife around?"

The maid responds with, "No, sir, she's upstairs with her boyfriend."

The husband, completely enraged, orders the maid to kill both his wife and her boyfriend.

Wen the maid returns, she asks what she should do with the bodies. The husband instructs her to simply toss the bodies in the pool.

Silence comes from the other end, and after a few seconds, the maid says, "Pool, sir?"

The husband looks down at his phone and says, "This isn't 229-6342, is it?"

I finally set up a new sky light in my apartment!

I don't know why my upstairs neighbors are so furious though.

BIG fight

Me and the wife had a big fight,she told me to leave the house. To spite her I went upstairs and packed my bags. As I was walking down the stairs, a suitcase in each hand, I see she's waiting for me at the foot of the stairs. When we're at eye level, she says to me. 'I hope you die a slow and painful death.' Looking into her eyes, I reply, "So, now you want me to stay?'

Upstairs joke, BIG fight

Burglars are getting very clever these days..

Last night, my wife woke me up..

*Darling! Darling! There's a burglar downstairs!!*

So I go down, check every room and don't find anyone.

Then I realised I don't have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.

The telephone rings, and the little boy answers it.

"Are your Mom or Dad home?" asks the lady at the other end of the line.

"They was in earlier, but now they is out," replied the little boy.

"My," said the lady. "Where's your grammar!"

The boy replied, "She's upstairs napping."

My 18-month old son fell asleep on my lap today...

So I carried him upstairs, laid him down and went back downstairs to relax for another 20 minutes or so. Everyone on the bus must have thought I was an awful parent.


My wife of 57 years said let's go upstairs and make love.

I told her choose one, I can't do both.

I heard my son's girlfriend screaming "Oh God!" in his bedroom upstairs ...

Im so glad he found a good religious girl.

A man walks into a bar ...

And proceeds to order a beer. The bartender says, "Sure, that'll be 25 cents please". The man almost spits out his beer in shock.

"Wow, 25 cents! I'll get some chicken wings too!"

The bartender replies, "That'll be 30 cents!"

"Where is the owner", asks the man, "I want to shake his hand!"

"Upstairs with my sister", replies the barkeep.

"Huh, why?", asks the confused costumer.

"He's doing to her, what I'm doing to his bar."

And that's why I never argue with my wife.

Wife : Don't forget to pick up kids from school.

Me : It's Saturday, they're both upstairs.

Wife : It's Wednesday and we've three kids.

An elderly man was on his deathbed.

A man is on home hospice, terminally ill and barely clinging to life. Well one afternoon he smells his absolute favorite thing in the whole world, peanut butter cookies, baking downstairs. After hours of anticipation the cookies don't come upstairs for him.

So he, against all odds, unhooks his IV's, creaks to his feet, and hobbles slowly down stairs where he beholds a platter of the cookies on the counter. He feebly reaches out for one and his wife slaps his hand away angrily.

"No! Those are for the funeral!"

I was going to tell you about the people in the apartment upstairs...

But that's another story.

A man wins the lottery...

A man wins the lottery, jumps in to his car and goes home in a hurry, screeching in to his driveway. He leaps out and runs in to his house and yells to his wife upstairs "I've won the lottery! I've won the lottery! Quick, pack up your suitcase, I've won the lottery!" His wife is yells down "Woohoo! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?" The husband replies "I don't care, just get out!"

A husband leaves his money in the attic...

His wife gets curious one day and asks why he leaves his money in the attic.

The husband replies, " So I can use it to pay rent in heaven."

A few years later the husband dies and the wife goes upstairs to see if the money is gone, and sure enough the money is still where he left it. The wife says to herself, " I knew he should have put it in the basement."

A Koala walks into a bar...

So he sits down and after a while of chatting with the barkeep he starts to notice a girl eyeing him from across the bar. So he goes and talks to her and after some flirting they decide to go upstairs

So they go upstairs and get into the 69 position and when its all said and done the koala goes to leave, but the girl says "Hey, where's my money?" Appalled he says "What do you mean?" She replies by telling him to look up the definition of prostitute in the dictionary. He does so and it reads 'One who does sexual acts for money.' He then tells her to look up the definition of koala in the dictionary. She does this and it reads "small, tree dwelling marsupial that eats bush and leaves."

They're watching...

I was in my bathroom earlier and I heard weird noises coming from the sink.

Then, I walked to the upstairs window and noticed a man dressed in an all black suit with black shades, suspiciously walking around outside in the car park.

Beginning to think that someone might be phoning my taps.

Slip of the Tongue

Joe has a broken leg. Mike comes over and asks, "How you doing', Joe?"

Joe says, "Do me a favor: Run upstairs and get my slippers."

Mike goes upstairs and sees Joe's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters. He says, "your dad sent me up here to have sex with both of you."

One girl replies, "Get out of here. Prove it?"

Mike shouts down stairs -, "Hey, Joe, both of 'em?"

Joe shouts back, "of course, both of 'em!" What's the point of fuckin' one?"

A wife has a crappy day and decides to come home early from work

When she arrives home, she heads upstairs and finds 2 pairs of legs in her bed under the covers. Already in a bad mood, she grabs a baseball bat and has a few swings at her cheating husband and his mistress. Once she's done, she walks to her balcony and finds her husband. He lovingly greets her with "Hi honey, your parents dropped in for a visit, they were feeling a little tired so I let them sleep in our bed".

Fun idea:

Not got kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. On your return ask where your child is.

My roommate dressed as a syringe for our Halloween house party.

He's upstairs with the sexy girl wearing the Courtney Love costume.

In the addict.

The upstairs neighbors were making a lot of noise one night and my wife says she's going to go get the broom.

To which I reply "Are you going to fly up there and complain?"

A guy walks into a whorehouse...

A guy walks into a whorehouse with $2 in his pocket. The man in charge says well for two dollars there's a dead hooker upstairs, you can have your way with her for ten minutes.

Ten minutes later, the patron comes back downstairs and the man in charge asks him how it was.

"It was okay, but the only thing is her nose kept running."

"Ahhh," said the man in charge, "she must be full."

How do you know your wife is getting old?

When you say to her, "Let's go upstairs and have sex" and she says "I can't do both."

Girlfriend asked me what to do this evening...

My girlfriend asked me what I wanted to do this evening? Should we go out bowling or should we go upstairs and mess around in the bed? I told her that I am NOT going to put my fingers in some dirty hole where hundreds of guys had put their fingers in before me!!! So we went bowling.

Working holiday

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.

"Where are you going?" he asks.

"I'm going to Las Vegas. I can earn $200 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do for you for free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.

"Where are you going?" the wife asks.

"I'm coming with you. I want to see how you can live on $200 a year."

Splitting Internet Charges

I asked my upstairs neighbor to split my internet charges with me, and we could share the bandwidth.

He accepted.

I asked my downstairs neighbor the same thing.

Now I have free Internet!

A man shouts to his wife to come upstairs to show her his clock..

The man is stood there naked..

'That's not a clock' she said..

'It will be when you get your hands and face on it.'

I took a girl back to my house for sex last night.

After going upstairs, I slowly removed my clothes and climbed under the quilt.

You'll have to be really quiet, I whispered, My mum & dad are asleep.

I can see that, she said, Have you not got your own bed?

Did you hear about the hacker who lives upstairs instead of his mom's basement?

That dude is on a different level.

Two lawyers were discussing a colleague's interest in one of the firm's new secretaries.

"I don't get it," said one. "She's an airhead - nothing going on upstairs."

"That may be true," replied the other, "but I don't think that's the floor he's getting off on."

Boy: [kissing girl on couch] you wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: He-he, sure baby.

Boy: Awesome! Grab the other end, and try not to scuff the banister.

Met an older woman at a bar last night.

She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and flirted a bit, then she asked if I'd ever had a mother and daughter combo? I said no.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight is my lucky night.
I went back to her place.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:

"Mom, you still awake?"

I ended up with an older woman at the club last night. She looked olay for a 57 year old.

We drank a bit and talked a while and she asked if I had ever had a Sportman's Double

"What's that?" I asked.

"It's a mother and daughter threesome", she said.

I said, "No."

We drank a bit more, then she says tonight's my lucky night.

We went back to her place.

She flipped on the hall light and then shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?"

You know you're old when...

...your wife says, "Honey, let's run upstairs and make love" and your answer is, "I cannot do both."

A man walks into a bar ...

with a pig under his arm. The bartender looks at the pig, notices a wooden leg and asks 'Why has this pig got a wooden leg ?'
The man replies 'Ah that's a tale. We had a fire in our house last week. This pig came upstairs and woke up our entire family. We all escaped the blaze thanks to this pig'.
The bartender was impressed. ' Did the pig lose a leg in the fire?'
'Oh no' said the man 'An animal this valuable ? You don't eat them all at once'

Coffee filled to the brim

Boss : Muthu, how do you get it right? For 30 years you have been bringing me coffee filled to the brim every morning without spilling it?

Muthu: Before I climb up the stairs I take a big sip. As I get upstairs, I put it back.

how did Shaggy know that his upstairs neighbor had fallen in her shower and needed help?

She was banging on the bathroom floor

The lesbian couple upstairs gave me a new Rolex for my birthday

It's really nice, but I think they misunderstood when I told them "I wanna watch".

A guy walks into a bar...

...and orders a steak. The guy behind the counter tells him it'll be $1.

"One dollar?! I've been coming to this bar every week for who knows how long, and it's always been $12! Where's Phil the owner?"

"He's upstairs with my wife."

"Well, what's he doing with your wife?"

"The same thing I'm doing to his business."

A paralyzed man says to his friend, Go upstairs and get my shoes. My feet are cold

The friend goes upstairs and sees the paralyzed man's two sexy 17 year old daughters.

He says, Your father sent me up here to have sex with you.

One of the girls replies, That couldn't possibly be true!

The man says I'll prove it and then yells towards the stairs, Both of them?

The paralyzed man yells back Of course both of them!

My grandfather is really frustrated that he has to use the chair lift to go upstairs.

It is driving him up the wall.

I get too excited with women.

I walked a girl home, and she's like Do you want to come upstairs?
I said Upstairs? I already came here.

So I was showing my friends the first floor of my house

When one of them said "What's upstairs?"
I told him that the stairs don't talk.

My little brother jumped out the window when I told him a cannibal clown was coming upstairs to feast on his flesh.

I can't believe he fell for It.

Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone, mother would say, going upstairs.

But I couldn't help myself, I sneaked in and watched him making those stupid little peach shoes.

My girlfriend is very short and she gets fed up of me making fun of her height.

So tonight I'm going to make it up to her.

I've got a good bottle of wine and a DVD box set of her favorite TV show.

When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favorite takeaway which we'll sit and eat while we drink the wine and watch the DVDs.

Then afterwards I'm going to go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink.

5 Minutes !

The police just knocked on my door and asked Where were you around 8.05pm last night sir?"

"Funny you should ask," I replied. "I took the wife upstairs at 8pm to make love."

"Yes officer, that's true," my wife shouted over, "But god knows where he was at five past."

A tribute to my late wife

She's still getting ready upstairs and I might leave without her.

(Old joke alert - be gentle.)

So, a guy sees this girl home after a date.

She says

\- Do you want to come in? You'll have to be very quiet, my parents are upstairs.

\- Sure

So they go in to the sitting room, get on the couch, and start smooching.

The guy says

\- Sorry, I need to use your bathroom.

\- The bathroom is upstairs, and you might wake my parents. Can you go in the kitchen sink?

\- OK

Couple of minutes later, guy walks back in

\- Any paper?

Little Johnny yells upstairs: "Dad, there's a salesman here with a moustache."

"Tell him I've got one."

My wife just yelled...

...from upstairs and asked "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

Sound concerned, I replied, "No..."

She responded, "How about now?"

Me: What's upstairs?

Friend: I don't think they talk..

A wife hears her husband shouting at the TV from upstairs

"Don't do it you idiot", "it's a trap", "Get outta there", "You fool" he keeps on shouting at the TV. The wife calls out to him "Hey what the hell you watching". The husband says, "Oh nothing I was just watching our wedding video.

Husband came home rushing home all excited.

He opened the door and walked in to see his wife on the couch watching TV. He said, Oh my god, I just won the lottery. A lot. I mean a LOT. Hurry upstairs and pack your bags.

The wife, now excited too, starts getting up and asks, Yay, where are we going?

Husband replies, No, I won the lottery. I don't care where you go, I just want you out.

A Christmas Miracle

It was Christmas time and the lady answered the door to the mailman. She said come inside I have something for you. She took him upstairs and screwed his brains out. The next morning she cooked him a huge breakfast and gave him a dollar. The mailman asked what just happened. She said I asked my husband what to give you for Christmas and he said 'fuck him, give him a dollar' the breakfast was my idea.

I've lost the dictionary

"Can you look upstairs?"

I can't look up anything

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked...

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

Sounding concerned I replied "No..."

She responded "How about now?"

I've decided to stand up to my upstairs neighbors.

After all, they've been walking over me since I moved in.

After a session of snogging in the couch, my girlfriend whispered " Shall we go upstairs?"

" yes " I said eagerly.

"Do you have protection? " She asked .

"Why? What's up there?" I trembled.

I met an older woman at a bar last night.

She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and bullsh*tted a bit, then she asked if I 'd ever had a mother and daughter threesome?

I said no.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

I went back to her place.

She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:

"Mom you still awake?"

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent? ' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel" the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

Cheaper Pub in the World

Guy walks into a pub and asks the bar man for a pint;

β€ŸThat will be $0.05 please sir .

β€ŸWow, in that case I will have a shot of whisky too

β€ŸCertainly, that will be $0.03 sir .

β€ŸDamnnn, OK and a packet of crisps .

β€Ÿ0.01 please sir, $0.08 all together .

β€ŸThis is astonishing, can I speak to the owner of this place, I would like to thank him .

β€ŸOh, not just now, he is busy, he is upstairs with my wife .

β€Ÿ...What is he doing upstairs with your wife?

β€ŸSame thing I'm doing down here with his business .

up on the oil rigs

so these two albertans, jordan and teddy, are working away up north, on a long stint. jordan says "hey teddy, whats the first thing you're gonna do when you get home" and teddy replies "I'm gonna go straight upstairs and tear off my wifes panties!" and jordan says "oh yeah??" and teddy replies "yeah man they are really chafing me, right here".

My wife yelled to me from upstairs.

Wife: "Do yo ever get a shooting pain across your body,

like someones got a voodoo doll of you and the're stabbing it.?"

Me: "No.. why."

Wife:. "How about now.?"

I finally realized why many apartments have weird popcorn ceiling

I couldn't understand why every apartment I've lived in had those ugly pebbly popcorn ceilings. It was baffling.

But then later I learned it was a way to muffle sounds coming from your upstairs and downstairs neighbors. It was baffling!

You know your old when your wife asks you to to come upstairs to make love

And your answer is, I cannot do both.

Upstairs in our house is cleaned fairly well.

The basement is another story.

A father's three daughters were heading out of the house to go on dates

The first daughter said, I'm going out with Joe, and we're gonna see a show

The father said, A fine fella! Have fun my dear

The second daughter said, I'm going out with Pete, and we're gonna grab a bite to eat

Sounds wonderful! Have fun my dear

The third daughter said, I'm going out with Chuck, and we're gonnaβ€”

Oh no no no you don't young lady!! You march right back upstairs this instant!

~fin~

A man in a pub asks for a beer.

A man in a pub asks for a beer.

The barman says, "Sure, that'll be one dollar."

"One dollar?" exclaims the man.

Reading the menu, he says, "Could I have steak and chips?"

"Certainly," says the barman, "that'll be two dollars."

"Two dollars?" cries the man.

"You're joking. Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The barman says, "Upstairs, with my wife".

The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The barman says, "The same thing I'm doing to his business."

We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."

"Stairs don't talk!"

A man is out in the yard flying a kite with his son

but the kite keeps nosing-over and crashing. After a while the upstairs window flies open and his wife yells out "You need more tail!"

,,,And he yells back "I told you that last night, and you told me to go fly a kite!"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the upstairs stairwell jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working upstairs attic piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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