Upset Jokes

Following is our collection of Upset funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include dirty puns, clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best Upset jokes

I was pretty excited when I heard Logan Paul went into a suicide forest

A little upset to find out he came back

My friend gets really upset when I call him a flat-Earther

He says the correct term is bulldozer operator.

My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils...

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

My Tinder bio says I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and I'm paid to travel

My dates are always upset when I tell them I'm a bus driver

He got the order wrong

Why did the customer get upset at the waiter?

The doctor said my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again.

I can't tell you how upset I am.

I'm 36 but have the body an 18-year-old

The police are pretty upset about it.

A hero comes to a village...

The villagers all looks very upset, so the hero ask what happen. "There is a huge dragon living in the mountain. Every week, it will come down and eat one of our virgin girls" the villager reply. The hero then promise to help. Two weeks later, the dragon starved to death.

I don't see why racists are upset with Harriet Tubman being on the $20 bill...

They can finally legally own a black person again.

I caught my wife cheating with my best friend.

She was upset that I was always beating her, and he was jealous of how much money and property I had.

I was so angry when I caught them that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.

A guy comes home from work and he is clearly upset.

His wife looks concerned and asks him what's wrong. He shakes his head and refuses to say anything.

Later, during dinner, he's just pushing his food around on his plate and staring out the window.

"Honey, what is it? I've never seen you like this before," the wife says.

"It's . . . nothing," he says. "I can't burden you with my problems. It wouldn't be fair."

"*Your* problems?" the wife says. "We are partners. We face everything together. Your problem is my problem. There is no I, just we. Now please, tell me, what is it?"

"Well," he says, looking up at her glumly. "we got our secretary pregnant and now she's suing us for support."

My kids were hungry so I made them burgers from scratch.

They got really upset and started to cry.

Scratch is a stupid name for a cat anyway..

A man took his 6-year-old daughter to his office on 'Take your kid to work day'

As they walked around the office, the girl turned visibly upset and soon started crying. Her father asked her what was wrong

As everyone gathered around, she sobbed "Daddy, I'm getting bored walking around the office. Please show me those clowns you said you work with"

I asked my Mexican friend if he will be upset if Trump manages to build the wall.

He said, Eh. I'll get over it.

My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague.

I said, Don't cry over skilled milf.

My girlfriend lost all her hair during chemotherapy and she was crying for hours.

I said, "Why are you so upset? It's just hair. I'm the one that's gotta find a new girlfriend."

So..the wife and I were in town shopping....

..and as we came out of a store, three girls aged between 18 and 20 walked by, wearing tiny cropped tops and short short skirts. One of them, a tall blonde, had really fantastic, long, toned and tanned legs.

I gently nudged my wife and said "I bet you wish you still had legs like that!".

She got really upset with me..in fact I could still hear her sobbing as I wheeled her up the ramp into the next store.

A dwarf was upset someone picked his pocket

He said, " How could someone stoop so low"

If foreigners are upset to have had their visas cancelled...

Why don't they just apply for MasterCards instead?

My wife and I decided to not have children.

The kids are pretty upset.

My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.

It just made her more upset.

She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

Two women named Rachel meet and fall in love.

They decide to get married and go to the baker's to pick out a wedding cake. The baker inquires about their story and appalled, refuses to bake them a wedding cake. They are very upset and accuse the baker of narrow-mindedness and bigotry. "Oh, no, no, no," the baker responds, "I don't have a problem with gay marriage, I just can't support an inter-Rachel marriage!"

Happy Valentine's, everyone!

I went shopping with my wife today...

When I came across a group of women in short skirts.

I looked over to my wife and said "Ooh, I bet you wish you had legs like *those*"

She didn't say anything, but I could tell she was upset; I heard her sniffle as I wheeled her up the ramp into Waitrose.

I don't understand why people are so upset about Harambe

I mean, gorillas get shot by white cops all the time.

My son was so upset when he didn't get a gaming pc for his birthday

luckily, this playstation was able to..........console him

My wife always said that she wanted the body of an 18 year old...

... but she got really upset at me when I actually brought her one.

Why was the ink blot upset?

Because his father was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence would be.

It's official. The winner of the biggest upset in US presidential history is T-R-U-M-

A-N. 1948. HUGE upset.

Edit 3:30AM ET: this was a *lot* funnier when it was true.

People are really upset about how the cast of Hamilton treated Mike Pence.

I mean, the last time people were this upset about something an actor did to a Republican in a theater, the Civil War had just ended.

I think my dog is upset I quit doing drugs

He hasn't talked to me since the last time I dropped acid.

A burglar stole all the light bulbs in my house

I know I should be more upset, but I'm absolutely delighted!

A piece of string walks into a bar

A piece of string walks into a bar and walks up to the counter.

The bartender says, "Sorry mate, we don't serve pieces of string in here, get lost."

Upset, the piece of string walks out the door. A sudden thought strikes him. He ties himself in a knot and messes his hair up.

He walks back into the bar and approaches the counter. The bartender says, "Oi, aren't you that piece of string from before...?"

"No," says the piece of string, "I'm a frayed knot."

caught my wife of 7 years cheating with my best friend.

I caught my wife of 7 years cheating with my best friend, whom I had known since preschool. I can't believe they'd do this to me.

Listen, I'm not a bad guy. I'll grant you that my wife was upset that I was always beating her, and my best friend? He was simply jealous of how much money and property I had.

At my wit's end, I was so angry that when I caught them, I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.

A tourist in London was throwing bread to some ducks in a pond...

when a local woman approached him looking rather upset. She asked him how he could throw bread in the water for ducks when there were starving children in Africa? Wasn't it obvious that they could use that bread more than the ducks?

The man stood there for a short moment and responded to the woman saying, "I'm sorry ma'am, but I can't throw that far."

My girlfriend got really upset when we watched the Harry Potter movies back to back

It isn't my fault I was the one facing the tv

Why was the blonde upset when she got her Drivers License?

Because she got an F in sex.

I used to know an Italian chef.

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. I feel horrible, he just ran out of thyme.

I am sending olive my love to his friends. His wife is really upset too. Cheese crying. He died fusilli reasons. I never sausage a tragic situation.

it was a farfalle from grace.

My Girlfriend is turning 32 soon.

I told her not to get her hopes up.
After all, I say, we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute.
She seemed upset and demanded to know why i would do that to her.
I calmly pointed out,
This is your thirty-second birthday...

I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."

And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.

I don't understand why ...

I don't understand why Mexicans are so upset that Trump is going to build a wall.

They should just get over it.

My wife left me because I bought the new Nintendo, but I'm not even upset...

...it was time for a Switch.

My parents raised me as an only child...

Which really upset my sister

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

You're running around with other women, she charged.

You're being unreasonable, Adam responded. You're the only woman on Earth. The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

What do you think you're doing? Adam demanded. Counting your ribs!

I once upset a girl I knew who was into necrophilia she told me I should...

...kill myself. I don't know if she was threatening me or hitting on me.

My doctor told me I have a tumor

At first I was upset, but it's starting to grow on me

The other day I bought a thesaurus. I opened it up and all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how upset I was.

The two girls I met at a party were quite upset when I called them hipsters.

Apparently, the correct term is 'conjoined twins'.

I saw some crippled kid getting picked on the other day...

He got kinda upset with me when I told him to stand up for himself.

A woman's on vacation and calls home

She asks her husband, "How's my cat doing?"

The husband says, "The cat's dead."

The woman's upset and says, "Well, you could have broken the news to me when I got home. I can't enjoy my vacation now. You could've just said a little white lie, like the cat's on the roof and you can't get her down."

"Okay, I'm sorry," says the husband, "I'll remember that."

The woman says, "Anyway, how's my mother doing?"

The husband says, "Your mother's on the roof and we can't get her down."

The fishing trip

So four high school friends have gone fishing together every year for the last two decades. That was until this year, when Jim had to inform the group he couldn't make it.

"Look, it's the wife. She's been saying I haven't been spending enough time with her."

Of course, the others were upset but told him they couldn't rearrange all the schedules to make it work out this year, so they stuck to the date.

The morning of trip, the guys are unloading on the dock when Jim comes running up with his stuff.

"What's the deal, Jim?" asked one of the fishermen.

"So I came home from work last night and I found my wife in the bedroom. She was laying down with a spool of rope, some duct tape and a ball-gag, and told me how she's been reading *50 Shades of Grey*. She told me to tie her up and do anything I want. So, uhh, here I am!"

The wife of my boss

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the boss's' wife instead.
"I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."
The next day, he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?!"
"Coz," he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it..."

Deer Season

Seven guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Kevin's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Kevin's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?

Two days later the six get to the camping site only to find Kevin sitting there with his gear set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the stove.

"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk Melissa into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair at home and Melissa came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'guess who?' I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, here I am.

My blonde girlfriend broke up with me today.

She was upset at me getting a text from Amber Alert

A little boy wants his toy,

A little boy wants his toy, so he walks up to his mother and says "Mom, give me my toy." His mother responds by saying, "What are the magic words?" So the little boy says the magic words and his mom gives him his toy.

The next day, the little boy starts kindergarten. At snack time, the little boy wants some juice, so he walks up to his teacher and asks for a juice box. The teacher says "What are the magic words?" So the little boy says the magic words. But the teacher gets upset, and calls the little boy's mother and asks her to come in.

When the three of them are sitting in the room together, the teacher asks the mother; "Have you been teaching your son sarcasm?"

"No," the mother says, "Why, what did he do?"

"Well, he asked for a juicebox," said the teacher, "and I asked him to say the magic words, and instead of saying please, he said 'you're thin and you're beautiful.'"

I'm upset. I'm two years into engineering school and...

I haven't even started learning how to drive a train

Who says men don't remember?

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and so she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."

He replied, "Well, I'm in the pub next door."

Why was the lizard upset with her husband?

Because he had a reptile dysfunction. ...

Okay bye now

I hate when black people mistakenly think I'm racist

Today, a black guy was holding hands with his white girlfriend in the airport and got upset because he caught me looking at him suspiciously. I wish I could explain to him that I was only trying to figure out if he was in the NBA or not.

I saw a veteran begging in the street which made me very upset

But then I remembered I wasn't required to give the military quarters.

Two angels run out of weed...

One angel is very upset but the other consoles him. "Fear not," he says and he points to Jesus. "For he has resin."

A programmer gets upset when he hears women shouldn't be objectified...

He demands, "Are you suggesting women are primitives?"

Should I beat my kids?

I know I'm not supposed to, but they just make me so frustrated

My wife says I'm being irrational and getting wound up over nothing, and that if I beat them she'll be incredibly upset and won't even know what to say to me.

But you know when it's just the same stuff day in, day out. And with the lockdown in place we can't get out the house either, which doesn't help the situation

Anyway, I just really wanted some advice before I take drastic measures, because I'd really like to enjoy playing Mario Kart normally again without letting them beat me

A very drunk man walks in to a pub

He tells the bartender "bartender, I want a drink. In fact, give everyone in here a drink on me. You have a drink with us, too." The bartender serves everyone a drink of their choosing and himself then hands the drunk man the bill. The drunk man pats himself down looking for his wallet and says "it appears I've misplaced my wallet." The bartender gets upset, grabs the drunk man by his neck, drags him out back and kicks the ever-lovin-shit out of the drunk man. A few minutes later the drunk man walks in and says "Bartender, I'm buying another drink for everyone in here. But not you. You get mean when you drink."

A blonde calls her boyfriend...

One day a man gets a call from his blond girlfriend.

"Hey Babe!"

"Listen, I need you to come over right now! I'm doing a puzzle and I think it's supposed to be a tiger but I just can't figure it out, I've been doing it for hours..."

The boyfriend was a little confused, as she didn't seem the type to buy a puzzle... But it was clear she was upset, so he made the trip over. He walked in to her apartment and saw her sitting on the floor, a blue box overturned and all the pieces arranged in random circles on the floor.

He looked at her for a while without saying anything, then just sighed and said, "Sweetie, lets get all these frosted flakes back in the box..."

My mum was upset when I put ginger in the pasta last night

I guess she liked that cat

The woman's husband is crying in the corner

The woman goes up to her husband and asks what is wrong

The husband replies crying: I'm upset because the world is flat

The woman confused tells him that the world isn't flat

The husband tells her: you are my world

Hillary was shown a video of her flip-flopping on issues all over her career.

At first, she was upset. Now she says she's ok with it.

Why is Kim Jung Un so upset?

because he has no Seoul

Two kids are walking down a dirt path...

a boy and a girl. Suddenly the boy stops and proclaims, "look at what I have!"
He pulls down his pants and allows the girl to observe.

"Do you have one?" he asks.
The girl is confused and upset that she does seem to be lacking what the boy has. Distraught she runs home to her mother who see her daughter crying.

"What's wrong?" asks the mother. The daughter tells her mother about the situation and when she is done her mother only smiles.

The next day the boy and girl are walking along the same path. The boy notices the girl is smiling even more than he is and demands to know why. The girl, turns to him, pulls up her skirt and says "my mom says as long as I have one of these, I can get as many of those as I want!"

A rough, hard drinking baseball umpire

was upset because he couldn't get his little boy to sit on his lap and talk to him.

After all, the son never sits on the brutish umpire.

Whatever you do, don't tell this joke to a math person; they will just make you upset

Bill is a giant nerd, and he knows that he isn't perceived as cool; in fact, lots of people call him a square. So, in an effort to be cool, he finds some cool guys and decides to go do everything he can with them.

They say, "Hey Bill, we're going to the bar. Want to come?"

He says, "Sure," and comes to the bar. They all order shots and beers. Bill doesn't want to be a square, so he orders shots and beers, and they all have a great time.

Next week, they call Bill up and tell him that they're going to a club. Bill comes along with them. They all start grinding on women and ordering tons of booze. Bill doesn't want to be a square, so he does the same and has a good time.

The next week, they call Bill up and tell him that they're going to a football game. Bill doesn't want to be a square, so he comes along. The guys are all cheering for their team enthusiastically, but Bill just sits quietly in his seat. Finally one of the guys says, "Bill, this isn't like you. Everything else we've done, you've joined in happily. Why won't you root for the team with us?"

Bill replies, "Well, I don't want to be a square. And rooting? Rooting is for squares."

A Brazilian people killed.

One day a man is sitting next to a blond woman who is reading the newspaper.

She is visibly upset while reading a particular article. He can't help but look over and see what she's reading. He sees the headline
"Suicide bombers kill two Brazilian men on bus".

He understands why she is upset now, so he strikes up a conversation with her.

She confesses "I have seen these before, but this is getting crazy. I mean, two Brazilian men killed? How many is in a Brazilian again?"

The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."

Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"

Helen: "No, the gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

Why were the melons upset when they were denied a marriage license?

Because it means they *cantaloupe*

A Russian Joke.

Stalin is giving a speech when he hears someone sneeze. He stops mid-sentence and asks the first row, "who sneezed?"

Nobody answers.

Stalin executes the first row. Now, everyone is getting nervous.

Stalin addresses the second row. "Who sneezed?" he asks, becoming visibly upset.

Still, nobody answers. Everyone is much too scared to reply.

Stalin executes the second row.

"Who sneezed!?" Stalin booms. He is angry now.

Finally, after many moments of silence, a young and timid Russian soldier raises his hand. Stalin turns to the soldier and says,

"Bless you."

A guy is in the front row of a basketball game.....

He is enjoying the game when suddenly someone yells, ''Steve!'' He looks over his shoulder, looks around but cannot see anyone in the mass of 15,000 fans. He continues to enjoy the game. He again hears ''SteveO,'' Now he gets up and looks around but eventually sits back down. He is taking a drink from his beer, then again ''hey steve'' he becomes increasingly upset stand up and scans the the bleachers but nothing. Near the end of the game, he hears ''Steve'' finally he stands up and yells, ''my name is John, Dammit''

Two cannibals are chatting

and the first cannibal says "I killed and ate a missionary yesterday, but I think he gave me an upset stomach."
The second cannibal says "That's too bad. How'd you cook him?"
The first cannibal says "Oh, I threw him in the giant pot of boiling water like always."
The second cannibal says "Makes sense. And what did he look like?"
The first cannibal says "The usual. Brown robe, rope belt, sandals."
And the second cannibal says "Well there's your problem. You boiled him, and he was a friar."

Mexicans were asked what they thought of Trump's border wall. They replied, "we're very upset...

...but we'll get over it."

Cat Joke

A man goes on a business trip and has his best friend watch his cat. In the middle of his trip, he calls to check on things, but his friend says, "Yeah, your cat died."

So the man gets upset. "You can't just say that! You should have broke it to me slowly. Like, this time, you could have said, 'she's on the roof, but the fire department is getting her down'. Next time I called, you could say 'the fireman dropped her and they took her to the vet'. Third time, 'sorry man, they did all they could, but Fluffy passed away'."

His friend says. "Alright, I'll remember that."

The man sighs. "So how's my mother doing?"

"Oh, she's on the roof, but the fire department is getting her down."

I dropped my Nokia today.

Now I'm upset because I have to replace my floor.

I once lost my thesaurus...

and I couldn't find the words to describe how upset I was.

With so many Americans upset with the candidates in the upcoming Presidential election, we should look on the bright side ...

... and please let me know what it is when you've found it.

Four guys have been going to the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years...

Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!

"Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your misses into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night..

Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and
put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been
reading '50 Shades of Grey'......

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie
her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, 'Do whatever you want.'

So--- Here I am!

Why was the young snowflake so upset?

Because he just watched his mom get plowed.

Inigo Montoya gets married

He tells his new wife that he has always wanted a son to carry on the family name. They try for several years, but never have any children. Upset, he takes her to Miracle Max to see what can be done. Miracle Max looks her over, asks some questions, consults his books, and comes back with the bad news. He tells Inigo that his wife will never bear children. It turns out that she's inconceivable.

A little black kid covered himself with baby powder.

A little black kid covered himself with baby powder and ran up to his mom screaming, "Mama, mama! Look, I'm white!". His mom was very upset and gave him a spanking and told him, "Go and tell your auntie what you told me!"
So he ran up to his auntie and said "Auntie, auntie! Look, I'm white!" His auntie got even angrier and belted him, and said "Go and tell your grandmother what you just told me"
So he ran up to his grandmother and said "Grandma, grandma! Look, I'm white". She got even angrier and beat him harder than both his mom and aunt combined.
After she was done, she asked him, "So what have you learned from this?"
And the kid responded, "I've only been white for about ten minutes and I already hate black people".

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes