The Best 73 Update Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Update jokes. There are some update report jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these update patch puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Update Jokes and Puns

British archaeologists have issued an exciting new Brexit update today.

By digging 96 feet below the Westminster.


Mitt Romney has advised everyone in the path of Hurricane Sandy to make their way to their 2nd or 3rd homes immediately.

Why did the pirate update his Macbook?

His matey told him he needed an iPatch

Update joke, Why did the pirate update his Macbook?

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

Here's an update for you:

Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage.


Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage...

I felt so good when I woke up today

that I even let Java install its update.

Police are looking for a man who refuses to update his PDF reader.

He is described as 32, single and has no fixed adobe.

I just love the new minecraft update.

It's groundbreaking.

Update joke, I just love the new minecraft update.

I bought a second hand deck of cards from a casino in Las Vegas, but after 4 weeks they hadn't arrived.

When I asked for an update, they said they were still dealing with my order.

Why do they call it the Mini-Panda update?

Because it finds content that is a little bare.

Somebody told the terminator to update his Microsoft windows, his response-

"I still love vista, baby"

"Update the force, Luke"

Adobe Wan Kenobi

You can explore update upgrade reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean update revise dad jokes. There are also update puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

Babe are you a new software update?

Because not now.

An update to Windows 10 reminder was a little icon at first

Then it was an annoying pop-up. Now it's almost a full screen reminder. Soon they will start calling me on the phone and if I say no a couple loan shark guys will come to my apartment and make me update.

We've updated Skype so you have the latest version...

it includes performance improvements and general fixes.

Why is the window's 10 update similar to a stalker?

.....No matter how many times you deny either, they just keep coming back.

(True story) I only use Windows XP

because I'm guaranteed not to get another Windows Update.

Update joke, (True story) I only use Windows XP

The kid next door challenged me to a water balloon fight.

I'm just going to update my Facebook status while waiting for the kettle to boil.

How a phone recall works.

Samsung: Send us your exploding phone.

Microsoft/Nokia: A software update will fix that.

Apple: You are using it wrong.

Today a Gender Studies student asked me how our society viewed lesbians

Apparently, in HD wasn't the correct answer.

Time to update my display to 4K.

A captain and his crew...

A crew mate runs to his captain "Captain! Captain! There is an enemy ship on the horizon! What do we do?" The captain replies "Grab me my red shirt." "Why?" The crew mate asks. "So that my crew doesn't see me bleeding from the battle." The captain replies. Another guy runs up "Captain! Captain! I have an update there are 7 more ships what should I do?" "Go get me my brown pants."

Why did the snail cross the road ?

It is not clear yet , let it cross the road first.

Update : It has been confirmed that it was to meet the Chicken who crossed the road earlier.

When Microsoft and Apple ship faulty products

Microsoft: We will fix that faulty battery timer through a software update. *never fixes it though*

Apple: *quietly removes the battery timer*

What do you call an Apple update you don't see coming?

An iPatch... I'm sorry...

Apple just released a new iOS update to help protect against piraters

It's called the iPatch.

A friend showed me a periodic table app he made.

I told him, "Cool. When's the next update?"

He replied, "You see, one of the basic elements of app-making is that you have to update it periodically."

I went to go update my cymbals....

But then they crashed

Everything updates these days...

PC - updating.
TV - updating.
Tablet - updating.
Phone - updating.

I am afraid to plug in the iron.

UPDATE: United Airlines now offering a new addition to their inflight meals

chinese takeout

Big Injury Update

Aaron Hernandez (Neck)

Out Indefinitely

Some people are like a software update

Some people are like a software update . When I see them I think Not now

I took my girlfriend to see a movie about an old guy flying his house around on balloons.

It was an up-date.

The people at my school are very PC and its so annoying

I can't go five minutes without someone asking me if I'd like to update windows

What should Tony Stark use to update his android friend, who is worthy enough to pick up Mjolnir?

Vitamin A, because it improves Vision.


It's post election fever in the UK.
And the British ladies are more confused than ever!
They are Conservative in the day, Liberal at night and nine months later in LabourπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

If I had a dollar for every time an Xbox had an update I'd be...

Bill Gates

Microsoft's designated Chauffeur was killed

in a car accident. Unfortunately he was to blame for it...
Now, the company needs a driver update.

My ex updated her status on Facebook to standing on the edge of a cliff.

So I poked her

Friend Status Update - Got MArried

Me : Please don't share your personal problems with the world.

Update on the crisis at the stair factory

The situation is escalating

Hey girl are you a software update

Because not now

It's a tie dad

My dad asked me to update him on the game, since he'd been in the kitchen for a long while and the patriots were down.

I responded with my epiphany that the entire thing, my entire existence, was just a tide ad.

I think he thought it was a tie, since he regained a bit hope. I'm sorry Dad, there was no tie. Fly eagles fly.

PUBG just put up a new update

The game sure is running smoothly now

My computer was really laggy until someone helped me update my software

Turns out it was the bus driver

I hate the new Windows 10 update.

It puts me on Edge.

Why didn't Arnold Schwarzenegger want to update to windows 10?

"I still like Vista, baby...'"

"We've updated our privacy agreements."

Hits I accept without reading the changes.

What doesn't the US government update it's privacy policy?

You need to have one first before you updated it.

Probably too soon to update this, but here goes anyway. . .

Twenty years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope, Johnny Cash, and Aretha Franklin. Now we have no jobs, no hope, no cash, and no soul.

When I go to the pool

When I go to the pool, I set my phone to update while it sits in my locker. That way I can sync and swim at the same time.

Italian Chefs can now get an exclusive software update for their Tesla

It's been named Carpatchio


Gaming console- Update

Somehow I'm afraid to plug in the iron.

I heard wired connections are faster...

So I poured some coffee on my router and now it's even slower...Do I need a another java update?

Did you hear the latest Microsoft Office update can cure depression?

It gives you an improved Outlook

Top 5 anti-vax excuses, interpreted for gamers

Excuse #5: "I like to play life with the default biological settings".

Excuse #4: "I like to take my chances and play it on extreme difficulty, just like old school style."

Excuse #3: "Pay to win? Eww."

Excuse #2: "I'll rather die than pay for DLC."

Excuse #1: "I swear the update caused that crash."

A stranger gave me a really old metal box...

He said it was supposed to contain gold coins, but the lock and the hinges were so rusty which made it very hard to open. I tried a hammer and a crowbar, but the box just won't budge.

So, I'm thinking of trying to open this box with a stick of dynamite, as a last resort. I'll update you guys later if it works or not.

Funny how things are still tagged NSFW

As if any of us still have jobs

Update: stop bragging about being employed, it's lowering morale /s

Knock, knock

*shouting thru door*
Just leave it outside, Thank you!

(2020 update)

My parents said I can get a dinosaur for my birthday!!

Update: They gave me a parrot..

Android phone can be so annoying

Just received a notification that my bible needs update, for what exactly?
Has Adam eaten another apple.

What did the father tomato say to the baby tomato when they were out for a walk?

What did the father tomato say to the baby tomato when they were out for a walk?

The father tomato looks back and sees his child way behind him, he runs back to him, stomps on him and yells "KETCHUP!"

it may be morbid, but that is the life cycle for these tomatos.

What do you call it when a male app meets a female app?

An update.

I just got the COVID-20 update but don't understand what has changed.

The release notes are all Chinese to me.

Breaking News in North Korea: 11.47PM - 1 active Covid case detected !

Update at 11.48PM - 0 active Covid cases

Update on the kid who swallowed 5 nickels.

No change yet!

Are there any iOS developers reading this that can help me with something?

Just kidding, I know they're all too busy for Reddit after today's announcement, and are struggling to update their apps for tomorrows iOS 14 release.

I'm excited for Minecraft's caves&cliffs update

But it will probably have its ups and downs.

Why are smart lights turned off when they update ?

To not attract bugs

I am suing American Airlines for losing my luggage

Update: I lost the case

A police officer was dispatched to the house of an elderly couple when the neighbors heard gunshots

Shortly after arriving the officer called into the station to update the sergeant
Officer: "well sergeant, the old woman shot her husband because he walked through the kitchen while she was mopping the floor."
Sergeant: "did you arrest her?"
Officer: "no sir"
Sergeant: "why not?"
Officer: "the floor is still wet."

Melinda moved out of Bills mansion the other day...

I hope someone remembered to update their drivers.

I recently found out that the Origami school in our community is about to close for good...

I'll update more on this as it unfolds.

Just got a scam email sent to me..

It was titled "Squadron 42 Update"

A spokesman for a group of scientists examining the possible remains of the abominable snowman has responded cryptically when asked for an update by a media representative:

Not Yeti

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the update fyi jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working update user piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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