Up Early Jokes
123 up early jokes and hilarious up early puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about up early that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Up Early Short Jokes
Short up early jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The up early humour may include short jokes also.
- I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no. Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.
- Justin Timberlake announces that he will be joining the war in Ukrain. Early reports suggest that he will be stationed somewhere along the Crimea river
- What do Donald Trump and a pumpkin have in common? They're orange on the outside, hollow on the inside and should be tossed out in early November.
- This morning I came early to my office And, I switched places of M's and N's on as many keyboard as I could.
Some people would say I am a monster but others would say nomster. - I definitely learned my lesson about speeding today and it will never happen again. I didn't get pulled over or anything, I just showed up to work 20 minutes early.
- How is Donald Trump like a jack-o-lantern? They are both orange, round and should be thrown out in early November.
- My grandfather developed cancer in his early twenties. He is considered to be the most evil scientist that ever lived.
- JOB OPPORTUNITY: Riot police officers needed. interview are being held tomorrow. Come early....
....beat the crowd.
- Russia has announced early results from the election The election isn't until tomorrow, but they've already announced that Putin has won.
- I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? , the manager asked. Not at all I replied. Good, take these drinks to table 9″
Share These Up Early Jokes With Friends
Up Early One Liners
Which up early one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with up early? I can suggest the ones about and .
- Why do riot police like to get to work early? To beat the crowd.
- Because the punchline gets spoiled early. Why is this time travel joke not funny?
- I sneaked onto a beach early this morning. The coast was clear.
- Why did the riot police show up to the protest so early? To beat the crowd
- Mr and Mrs Lee unexpectedly had their baby early So they named him SUDDEN LEE
- Why did the riot police show up early to the protest? They wanted to beat the crowd.
- Why does the police officer get up early in the morning? To beat the crowds.
- Why do police get to protests early? To beat the crowd.
- Why do riot police wake up early? ...so they can beat the crowds
- Why do you fly United early in the morning? To beat the crowd.
- What's great when you're at work, and terrible when you're in bed? Getting off early
- Why do HK police go to work early? To beat the crowds.
- What do you call a Dinosaur that wakes up early in the morning. An AssCrackaDon.
- Why do riot police get to work early? To beat the crowd
- The early bird might get the worm, but The second mouse *always* gets the cheese
Waking Up Early Jokes
Here is a list of funny waking up early jokes and even better waking up early puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- People in Athens have a hard time waking up early Because dawn is tough on grease
- I'm Mexican and I think we should go to bed early Tomorrow we need to wake up early to go build the wall.
- Why do the citizens of Athens hate waking up early? Because Dawn is tough on Greece!
- Why did the Spanish police wake up and arrive early? So they could beat the crowd
- I have done some really bad things for money Like waking up early for work.
- As I checked into a hotel, I asked the receptionist for a wake-up call. She said, you are smoking and drinking yourself to an early death.
- My mother would wake up early every morning just to cut the crusts off my sandwiches She knew the crusts were my favourite part. She hated me so much :(
- Might wake up early and go for a jog. Might also win the lottery... odds are about the same.
- "Dad, can we wake up early to watch the sun rise?" "No, but you can wake up early to watch dad rise."
- "Hey dad, would you like to wake up early to see the sun rise?" "No, but wouldn't you rather wake up early to see dad rise instead?"
Up Early Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about up early you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make up early pranks.
Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools.
Hawaii **IS** the early warning system.
[At a parole hearing] Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early?
Inmate: It's bec..
Officer: Yes?
Inmate: I think I have..
Officer: Go on.
Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?
Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
Why is everyone criticising EA?
I've only ever known EA as an excellent video game company and pioneer of the early home computer games industry. EA has always had my enjoyment as their primary concern and their community involvement is phenomenal.
($50 has been deposited into your Paypal account, remember to delete this part of the message before posting it).
A weather report for you
I just got off the phone with a friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian Border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been coming down, it is nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
"Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
-"A little early isn't it, w**...?"
-"For a beer?"
-"No, for s**... questions."
The Heart Attack
THE HEART ATTACK
A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband n**... lying on the bed,
sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.
'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..
The blonde rushes downstairs to use the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son says
"Mummy mummy, aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe & she has no clothes on"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom
right past her husband..rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is
her sister, totally n**... and cowering on the floor.
'You rotten b**...', she screams.
'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around
n**... playing hide and seek with the kids!!'
Joe took his blind date, Kim, to the carnival...
"What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," said Kim, and so they ambled over to the 'guess-the-weight' stand. The owner guessed 121 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. And back to the 'guess-the-weight' stand they went. Since they had been here before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
3 men are in a Soviet Prison
They ask each other why they are in prison.
The first says 'I was always 5 minutes late for work, so I was accused of sabotage'
The second says 'I was always 5 minutes early for work, so I was accused of espionage'
But the third says 'I was always on time for work, so I was accused of having a Western watch'
Golf lessons
A young woman has been taking golf lessons. She has just started playing her first round of golf when she suffers a bee sting. The pain is so intense she decides to return to the clubhouse.
Her golf pro sees her come into the clubhouse and asks, "why are you back so early? What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee"
"where?" he asks.
"between the first and second hole," she replies.
He nods knowingly and says, "apparently your stance is too wide."
Have you guys heard about the new restaurant on the moon?
Early critics say the food is good, but there's no atmosphere.
A blonde buys a gun.
A young blonde is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home early to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She pulls the gun from her purse and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
Investment Opportunity: You might want to consider getting on board early...
A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan. He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing very well. He says prophets are going through the roof.
Aids or Alzheimer's
A man takes his wife to the doctor. The doctor says "Well, its either aids or alzheimers."
"What do you mean?" the guy says, "You can't tell the difference?"
"Well, the two look a lot alike in the early stages." said the doctor, "Tell you what, drive her way out into the country. Once your there kick her out of the car. If she finds her way back, don't have s**... with her."
A man stumbles into his house early in the morning...
after a night of partying and heavy drinking, just as the sun is coming up. His wife is waiting for him at the kitchen table, glaring at him.
"Is there a reason you're coming home at 6 in the morning with alcohol on your breath, lipstick on your collar?" She shouts at him.
"Yes there is," he replies.
"I would like some breakfast"
What did people say when the inventor of the Dry Erase Board showed off his new invention.
That's Remarkable!
Terrible joke, came to me on the toilet early, but I had to say it. And it's also likely be told in some form before.
The Final Exam
The weekend before their big history final, four college buddies decided to go to St. Louis to party with friends. However, after partying all night, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Springfield until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking their history final then, they decided to find their professor after it was over and explain to her why they had missed it.
They had gone to St. Louis for the weekend, they told her, and had planned to come back in time for the test, but on the way back, they'd taken a short cut down a dirt road and had had a flat tire. They didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and as a result they missed the final.
The Professor thought about it awhile and then agreed they could make up the final the following day.
The guys were elated. They studied together that evening and, the next morning, arrived for the test. The professor placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem. It asked:
"(For 5 points) On what date was the Declaration of Independence ratified?"
"Cool," they thought at the same time, each in his separate room. "This test is going to be a breeze."
Each wrote July 4, 1776 and then turned the page.
On the second page was written:
"(For 95 points): Which tire?"
I thought bill gates would cave and release the new Microsoft Office early.
But he kept his Word.
2 Reasons Why I Should go to School
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.
"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me also!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"
Legs in the Air
Little Johnny came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said Little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming,"Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
George W. Bush is sitting with his aides...
and he is getting debriefed on the world news of the day. The news is rather mundane and unexciting, but one of his aides states that 3 Brazilian people perished in a plane c**... early this morning.
Dubya's reaction is pure shock and grief, he's shaking and can't control his emotions.
Tearfully looking over to the man who broke the news, he asks him, "How many is a Brazilian?"
Little Billy comes home early from school, only to find his Dad m**... in the living room...
As Billy is quite young, he is shocked and confused at what he is seeing. His Dad tries to explain:
"Don't be scared, Billy. I'm not hurting myself, I'm doing something completely normal. In fact, you are going to start doing it pretty soon as well."
"Why is that, Dad?", young Billy asks.
"Because, son, my hand is getting tired and I need someone to take over."
It was Christmas day.....
and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.
"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened."
quick historical Russian joke from early 90's
Quick context - Soviet Union just collapsed and Moscow streets are full of desperate people trying to some money to survive. A dialogue between street meat vendor (V), and a potential customer (C):
***
C: Was this meat barking or meowing?
V: It was asking s**... questions.
My girlfriend is so busted
she claims to be an atheist but yesterday I got home from work early and she was screaming "OH GOD! YES! YOU'RE SO GOOD!". So I sat smugly on the couch until she came out with my friend Steve. Then I was like "busted! you're not an atheist at all. I don't know what you did Steve but you are a legend"
In the mid 1800s a primitive c**... was developed in New Zealand, made from a sheep intestine.
It wasn't until the early 1900s that it made it's way to Australia, where it was immediately improved by removing it from the sheep.
Why did the police chief tell his officers to show up 15 minutes early to the political demonstration?
To beat the crowds.
Life after death
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's f**..., she stopped in to see you."
I was having s**... with a woman when her husband came home early.
She told me to use the back door and I'd have to be quick.
In retrospect I should have just left, but it's not every day you get an offer like that.
Little Johnny is back
In the class the teacher said: "the first person to answer my question will go home early".
Little Johnny threw his bag outside.
Teacher asked: "Whose bag is that???"
Johnny answered: "It's mine....
bye bye!"
A wife has a c**... day and decides to come home early from work
When she arrives home, she heads upstairs and finds 2 pairs of legs in her bed under the covers. Already in a bad mood, she grabs a baseball bat and has a few swings at her cheating husband and his mistress. Once she's done, she walks to her balcony and finds her husband. He lovingly greets her with "Hi honey, your parents dropped in for a visit, they were feeling a little tired so I let them sleep in our bed".
Did you hear about the coroner who always was early for his shift?
He could not wait to get to work and crack open a cold one.
Jimmy in the school..
One day Jimmy got home early from school and his mom asked, "Why are you home so early?" He answered, "Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class." She said, "Wow, my son is a genius. What was the question?" Jimmy replied, "The question was 'Who threw the trash can at the principal's head?'"
A woman is taken to court...
The judge asks, "What were you charged for?"
The women replied, "Doing my Christmas shopping too early."
When the judge asked her how early, she said, "Before the store opened."
Bob had forgotten his wedding anniversary and was in trouble.
His wife was really angry.
She told him, Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday
I have recently become a new man
I don't drink, i smoke very rarely, i don't stare at girls, i go to sleep early, i wake up early and I work hard everyday. My supervisors are happy with me. I will definitely abandon this lifestyle once i get out of jail.
The man came home early from work to find his wife lying n**... on the bed, crying her eyes out.
What's wrong? he asked.
I've got nothing to wear to the dance tomorrow night, she
sobbed.
Oh come on now! You've plenty of clothes, and with that
he went over to the wardrobe. See here, there's the nice
pink dress, the pale blue skirt, the yellow cocktail dress, hi
there Tom, the green silk gown…
One day, a teacher said "Whoever can answer my next question can get dismissed now".
Tom threw his bag outside the window.
The teacher asked angrily "Who threw the bag?"
Tom answered "It's me! "
Tom got dismissed early.
Stop me if you've heard this one...
A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, You are back early, what's wrong? I was stung by a bee! she said. Where? he asked. Between the first and second hole. she replied. He nodded and said, Your stance is far too wide.
Why's the leader of Russia always late?
Is trick question. If Comerad Stalin appears late, it is only because we were early. All glory to mother Russia.
A man was staggering home drunk in the early hours of the morning when he was stopped by a police officer.
What are you doing out at this time of night? asked the officer.
I'm going to a lecture, said the drunk.
And who's going to be giving a lecture at this hour?
My wife.
Why were cornflakes invented joke
Well your favourite morning meal was invented to lower your l**... and stops you from m**... early in the morning.
A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."
A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."
Suddenly, a pen came flying across to room, practically hitting the teacher in the face.
"Who threw that?!" the teacher shouted angrily.
"Me!" piped up a voice from the back of the classroom. "Can I leave now?"
I tried to make a s**... tape
I came early, so now it's a GIF.
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
At the parole hearing, the officer asked, "Tell me, why should you be released early?" The inmate responded, "It's bec..."
Officer: Yes?
Inmate: I think I have..
Officer: Go on.
Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?
Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
Jane and Erica are talking in heaven
"How did you die?" Jane asks Erica.
She replies, "I froze to death."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says Jane.
"It wasn't too bad, after a while you start to get a sort of peaceful feeling, just before you black out. How did you die?"
"Well," she says, "I suspected my husband was cheating so one day I came home early to catch him, but he was just watching TV. So I turned the entire house upside-down looking for another girl, and in the end I got a massive heart attack from exhaustion."
"Too bad you didnt look in the freezer," said Erica, "Or we might both still be alive."
Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa.
Because tomorrow he turns 81! Happy early bday grandpa!
A gorilla walks into a bar
He orders a beer. The bartender figures "what does a gorilla know?", charges the gorilla $50 for the beer. Gorilla pays him.
It's early, the bar is quiet, so the bartender isn't busy. He is curious, so he says to the gorilla "You know, we don't get many gorillas in here."
"At these prices, it's no wonder."
At the parole hearing, the officer asked, "Tell me, why should you be released early?"
Inmate: it's bec..
Officer: Yes?
Inmate: I think i have..
Officer: Go on.
Inmate: Can i please finish my sentence?
Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
A construction contractor buys a 10 foot Italian submarine sandwich to feed his crew
It gets delivered a little early, so he sets it out on a table and goes back to finish up the morning's work. By the time him and his crew get back to it, though, there's something wrong. Most of the middle sections are missing, and the two ends have been pushed together, making it only a 4 foot sandwich.
He turns to his crew and asks if anyone snuck in to eat the sandwich. One by one, they all shake their heads and deny any wrongdoing. He's at a loss until one of his guys points out that the company had hired an electrician to do a bit of wiring that morning.
"Of course!" the boss exclaims, "he's the subcontractor!"
Totally sick of idiots letting fireworks off early, it's still October for goodness sake!!!
Dog is going mad and keeps knocking the Christmas tree over!
So there was this kid who was lazy and couldnt wake up early..
His mom wanted to teach him a lesson about the benefits of waking up early.
She said: Son, i am going to tell you a little story and then i want you to tell me what did you learn from it ok?
Son: Ok
Mom: imagine two birds. First bird always wakes up early and can find bugs to feed himself and his family. The second bird wakes up late everyday and cant find anything to eat. So what did you learn from this.
Son: i learned that the bugs that wake up early gets eaten by birds
A blonde man is convinced his wife is having an affair...
He buys a gun, comes home early from work, and sure enough there is his wife and another man, n**... in bed. Without a word the blonde man pulls out the gun and blows the guy away. Looking his wife in the eyes he puts the gun to his head and starts pulling the trigger. No! No! Honey don't! The wife screams. The blonde man says Shut up! You're next!
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"
Three men are talking in a Soviet gulag.
One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"
The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."
The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers."
Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?"
"Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West."
Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter for 4 people? I'm still looking for 2 more adults to join me and my wife.
We leave early Saturday morning (Feb 6th) from New York and will fly to Boston , where we will have breakfast, then have lunch on a friend's yacht.
Then we'll do a flight along the coast, up to Cape Elizabeth returning to Boston for dinner, then fly back home. If interested, please message me.
Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go.
"The person who answers this last question gets to leave early" said the teacher
"Now what is the sum of three and two, multiplied by the square root of 6 " the teacher asked.
The class began scribbling furiously. All except for Bobby. Bobby raised his hand and the teacher called on him.
"5" answered Bobby confidently. He began to pack up his things and walk to the door.
"Not quite correct Bobby" the teacher said "so you don't get to leave early"
"You didn't say it had to be correct...Just that someone had to answer"
What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor early in the morning?
Don't let him drive that cargo freighter,
don't let him steer that cargo freighter,
don't let him near that cargo freighter,
early in the morning.
Should've been more specific
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really p**....
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
A teacher told his students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."
Suddenly, a pen came flying across to room, practically hitting the teacher in the face.
"Who threw that?!" the teacher shouted, angrily.
"Me!" piped up a voice from the back of the classroom. "Can I leave now?"
I was on a date with this girl I found on tinder
I reached the cafe early. She came a little later. Like a gentleman, I helped her sit by pulling her stool. When she seemed comfortable I asked, "Can I push your stool in ?"
She : "Let's see how this date goes first"
Bob was in trouble
He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Why do people hate getting up early in Athens?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece.
In Gulag
Inmates discussing what they were sent to Gulag for.
"I was always 5 minutes late, so they sent me here for sabotage. You?"
"I was always 5 minutes early, so they sent me here for espionage. How about you, comrade?"
"I was always on time, so they sent me here for harming Soviet economy by buying watch in capitalist country"