Unzip Jokes

What are some Unzip jokes?

Baby, I wish I were DNA helicase...

...so I could unzip your genes.

They call me The Tripod

Her: So why do they call you 'Tripod'?

Me: Let me unzip this and show you...

*opens camera case and takes really steady photo*

I wish I was a helicase enzyme...

...because then I could unzip your genes

Two men are out on the street with only $3.00...

The first guy says "I want a beer but we don't have enough money." The second guy replies "I have an idea, I'm going to go buy a hotdog from the vender across the street remove it from the bun and put it in my pants. Then we will go to a bar, order a drink for each of us, drink them then I'll unzip and you'll start sucking on this hotdog so we will get kicked out and not have to pay." The first guy, although skeptical, goes along with it. After the first bar works perfectly they decide to try their luck at a few more bars, so after the 7th bar both guys are very drunk, the second guy says "Okay, I'm hungry I want that hotdog now." The first guy replies with "Hotdog? Oh yeah, I ate that 3 bars ago."

Zipper joke.

(Heard this today from a nice women, so not mine obviously. Thought itd be good here. )

In New york the new buses have a pretty steep first ledge to get on them. A woman wearing a tight skirt tries to get on. She reaches her leg up but it is no good. So she reaches behind her to unzip her skirt down just a little. She tries again and still can't. So she unzips it even more down, but still isn't enough and unzips it down more again.

Finally the man behind her picks her up by her waist and puts her on the bus.

The woman gasps "thats rude how dare you touch me."

The man responds, "well after you unzipped my pants three times i figured we were friends."

Dyslexia cost me my job in IT

Turns out my boss wanted me to unzip his 'files

So my buddy and I were driving down a country road and see a sheep with it's head stuck in the fence.

Now, like any good ol Montana boy I know a good opportunity when I see it. I pull over and walk up to the sheep and unzip my pants and start giving it to her. I'm really give'n her the boots when I look over and my buddy is jacking off. I mean, he's really beat'n his meat. Kinda freaked out I stop and ask 'ya wanna turn?'. He runs over and sticks his head in the fence.

A rich woman feigns illness andbleavesba party early

When she gets home, she calls the butler to her bedroom.
"Jeeves? Take off my coat."
"Yes, madam."
"Jeeves, remove my high heels."
"Yes, madam."
"Jeeves, unzip my dress, and remove it...throw it on the floor!
"Yes, madam."
"Jeeves, remove my brassiere and panties."
"Yes, madam."
"Jeeves?"
"Yes, madam?"
"If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired."

How are teenage boys and the enzyme helicase similar?

They both want to unzip your genes

Why do programmers like UNIX?

unzip, strip, touch, finger, grep, mount, fsck, more, yes, fsck, fsck, fsck, umount, sleep

What did the slutty DNA say to the other DNA?

Unzip your genes.

Growing old

First you forget names;
Then you forget faces;
Then you forget to zip up your fly;
And then you forget to unzip your fly.

How do you get a pound of meat out of a fly?

Unzip it

Fred and Marie are residents in a retirement home...

Marie says to Fred, "I bet I can guess how old you are."

"How are you gonna do that?" asks Fred.

"Well," says Marie, "You have to unzip your pants."

Fred is a little hesitant, but Marie assures him that there is nothing to fear. This method is quick and 100% accurate. So, Fred unzips his pants, and Marie puts her hand in there and feels around for a few seconds.

She pulls her hand out. "You're 93." she says.

"That's amazing!" said Fred. "How on earth did you know that?"

"You told me yesterday."

Old man says to old woman, I bet you can't guess how old I am.

She responds, I bet I can. Unzip your pants

The guy is shocked but plays along. The woman sticks her hand in his pants and feels him up for a few minutes before saying, You're 83!

The old guy is astonished and says, I am 83! How did you know?

The old lady says, You told me yesterday.

What do sex and DNA replication have in common?

You gotta unzip the genes first.

Bus Stop Blonde

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.
For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again,
and much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip
a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be good samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body?!
I don't even know who you are!'


The Texan smiled and drawled,
"Well, ma'am, normally I would
agree with you, but after you unzipped
my fly three times, I kinda
figured we was friends."

this one comes from the end of a drew carey special back in the 90's: there's an old man & an old woman in a nursing home...

old man says, 'bet you can't guess how old i am!'

she says, 'yeah? unzip your fly!' he does; she reaches in a feels around for a bit, then says: 'you're 83!'

he says, 'that's amazing! how'd you know that?'

she says, 'you told me yesterday.'

How are teenaged boys like the enzyme helicase?

They both want to unzip your genes!



credit goes to Hank from CrashCourse on Youtube :)

Alzheimers..

This old guy and old lady are sitting in a nursing home when the guy turns to the woman and says "I bet you can't guess how old I am". The lady says "I'll bet I can, unzip your pants", so he does, she sticks her hand in, feels around, pulls her hand out and says "you're 83". The guy says "WOW! That's amazing! How'd you do that!?" the woman replies "you ask me the same question every day, Frank".

My mom was at the airport on her way home from Wisconsin when she got stopped by TSA.

Ma'am, do you have any sharp objects in your luggage?

He proceeded to unzip her luggage and pulled out a block of cheese she had packed.

She smiled and said Just that sharp cheddar

Girl, you can call me RNA II Polymerase ...

...cuz I'm gonna unzip your genes

I met a really cool girl name Helicase, but there's a problem...

... she's always trying to unzip my genes.

How to tell if you have Alzheimer's disease

If you forget to zip up your pants after going to the bathroom - that's just being forgetful. If you forget to unzip before going to the bathroom - that's Alzheimer's.

I really feel torn about making jokes about this terrible disease, but that's one way of dealing with it.

I must be Helicase

Cuz I wanna unzip your genes

Damm girl, I wish I was RNA polymerase II

so I could unzip your jeans just long enough to shoot one out and leave.

If you send your nudes in a compressed file...

...they have to unzip to see you naked.

So a guys asks a blonde…

if he can do her from behind. She obviously says no. The guy then says he will be very quick and offers her 100$. All she has to do is pick up the money while he drops it on the floor. She tells him she has to ask her boyfriend. She tells her boyfriend about the offer and he tells her to make it 200$ instated. "He won't even have time to unzip before you pick it up". The next day the blonde accepts the offer and bends down to pick up the money. Later the same day the blonde comes home limping. "What happened honey?" asks the boyfriend. "It was all in coins" she replied.

You're losing your mind if you forget to zip your fly after using the bathroom.

You've lost your mind if you forget to unzip your fly *before* using the bathroom

Geneticists and Teenage Boys are the same...

They both want to unzip your genes.

What does a teenage boy have in common with the enzyme helicase?

They both want to unzip your genes.

^Credit ^to ^Hank ^Green

When Little Johnny grew out of diapers, his dad had to teach him how to pee like a man...

"Listen here, son, this is how you do it," says Daddy.

1. Unzip your pants

2. Pull out your equipment

3. Pull back your foreskin

4. Relax the muscle that's holding in the pee

5. Push back your foreskin

6. Put your equipment back,

7. Zip back up.

Later that day Johnny's sister, Little Jane, runs up to her dad exasperated. "Daddy, Daddy! Johnny's hogging the bathroom!" "That's fine," responds Daddy, "he's learning how to pee like a man." "No he's not!" yells Jane. "He's just in there shouting, 'Three, five, three, five, three, five..."

The weird thing about men is that, as they get older the begin wearing their pants higher and higher.

My great-grandpa got so old he had to unzip just to talk to us!

How do furries unzip their files?

WinRawr.

Why woman never propose?

Because the minute she is on her knees, the guy will unzip his pants

An old man and an old woman were sitting on a park bench...

...when the old woman looks at the old man and says "I bet I can guess how old you are". The old man looks at the old woman and says, "No way, how are you going to do that?" The old woman says "unzip your pants". The old man unzips his pants and the old woman reaches in and feels around for a few minutes. "You're 83!" she announces. The old man says "That's amazing, how'd you figure that out?" The old woman says, "You told me yesterday!"

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