unzip Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious unzip puns

What do you do with a compressed folder of porn?



Baby, I wish I were DNA helicase...

...so I could unzip your genes.


They call me The Tripod

Her: So why do they call you 'Tripod'?

Me: Let me unzip this and show you...

*opens camera case and takes really steady photo*


I wish I was a helicase enzyme...

...because then I could unzip your genes


What do men who receive compressed porn files do when they are alone?

They unzip.


A man walks into a public toilet...

and sees a man with no arms waiting by a urinal. Being a gentleman, once he has done his business, he asks the man if he can help. The man says 'Thanks buddy, could you unzip my trousers please?'. Thinking of this as his good deed for the day, he does as he is asked. The man then says 'and could you get my penis out while your down there?'. A little disgusted now, he pulls out the man's penis, which to his horror he sees is diseased and moldy. He drops it instantly, but the man says 'Please buddy, I'm desperate. Can you just guide it into the urinal while I pee?'. Closing his eyes, he does as he is bidden, but once the man is done and he has helped him put his penis away, he turns and says 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. What exactly is wrong with your penis?'. The man removes his arms from his coat and says 'I don't know buddy, but there's no way in hell I'm touching it!'


Two men are out on the street with only $3.00...

The first guy says "I want a beer but we don't have enough money." The second guy replies "I have an idea, I'm going to go buy a hotdog from the vender across the street remove it from the bun and put it in my pants. Then we will go to a bar, order a drink for each of us, drink them then I'll unzip and you'll start sucking on this hotdog so we will get kicked out and not have to pay." The first guy, although skeptical, goes along with it. After the first bar works perfectly they decide to try their luck at a few more bars, so after the 7th bar both guys are very drunk, the second guy says "Okay, I'm hungry I want that hotdog now." The first guy replies with "Hotdog? Oh yeah, I ate that 3 bars ago."


Zipper joke.

(Heard this today from a nice women, so not mine obviously. Thought itd be good here. )

In New york the new buses have a pretty steep first ledge to get on them. A woman wearing a tight skirt tries to get on. She reaches her leg up but it is no good. So she reaches behind her to unzip her skirt down just a little. She tries again and still can't. So she unzips it even more down, but still isn't enough and unzips it down more again.

Finally the man behind her picks her up by her waist and puts her on the bus.

The woman gasps "thats rude how dare you touch me."

The man responds, "well after you unzipped my pants three times i figured we were friends."


Dyslexia cost me my job in IT

Turns out my boss wanted me to unzip his 'files


A rich woman feigns illness andbleavesba party early

When she gets home, she calls the butler to her bedroom.
"Jeeves? Take off my coat."
"Yes, madam."
"Jeeves, remove my high heels."
"Yes, madam."
"Jeeves, unzip my dress, and remove it...throw it on the floor!
"Yes, madam."
"Jeeves, remove my brassiere and panties."
"Yes, madam."
"Yes, madam?"
"If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired."


So it was St. Patrick's Day in Ireland...

and Sheamus and Murphy were going to grab some beers. As they went out Sheamus looked at Murphy and said "Murphy it's Saint Patrick's day and we don't got fuckin' money, what are we gonna do?"
Murphy says "I got an idea meet me at the butcher shop in 10 minutes."
10 minutes goes by and they're at the butcher shop Murphy is holding a sausage link and say's "alright now when we go to a bar, after a couple drinks I'll unzip out the sausage from my pants and you'll start sucking it. The bartender will kick us out and then we don't have to pay for our drinks." Sheamus agreed.
They went to their first bar after a couple of drinks they did their gag and the bartender yells "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS DOING, THAT'S BLASPHEMY ON THIS HOLY DAY, YOU TWO GET THE HELL OUT O' HERE!"
"Sheamus that worked perfectly, let's go to another" exclaimed Murphy Sheamus agreed. They did this at two more bars and Sheamus asked "can I have the sausage now my knees are killin' me?" Murphy gave him the sausage and ended up going to five more bars until they were hammered
Murphy looked at Sheamus and said "Sheamus I don't know if I can go on any more, I'm too fuckin' drunk"
Sheamus said "Yeah good thin too I lost that sausage three bars back"


How are teenage boys and the enzyme helicase similar?

They both want to unzip your genes


Why do programmers like UNIX?

unzip, strip, touch, finger, grep, mount, fsck, more, yes, fsck, fsck, fsck, umount, sleep


What did the slutty DNA say to the other DNA?

Unzip your genes.


How do you get a pound of meat out of a fly?

Unzip it


Growing old

First you forget names;
Then you forget faces;
Then you forget to zip up your fly;
And then you forget to unzip your fly.


Fred and Marie are residents in a retirement home...

Marie says to Fred, "I bet I can guess how old you are."

"How are you gonna do that?" asks Fred.

"Well," says Marie, "You have to unzip your pants."

Fred is a little hesitant, but Marie assures him that there is nothing to fear. This method is quick and 100% accurate. So, Fred unzips his pants, and Marie puts her hand in there and feels around for a few seconds.

She pulls her hand out. "You're 93." she says.

"That's amazing!" said Fred. "How on earth did you know that?"

"You told me yesterday."


Old man says to old woman, I bet you can't guess how old I am.

She responds, I bet I can. Unzip your pants

The guy is shocked but plays along. The woman sticks her hand in his pants and feels him up for a few minutes before saying, You're 83!

The old guy is astonished and says, I am 83! How did you know?

The old lady says, You told me yesterday.


What do sex and DNA replication have in common?

You gotta unzip the genes first.


Bus Stop Blonde

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.
For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again,
and much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip
a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be good samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body?!
I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled,
"Well, ma'am, normally I would
agree with you, but after you unzipped
my fly three times, I kinda
figured we was friends."


this one comes from the end of a drew carey special back in the 90's: there's an old man & an old woman in a nursing home...

old man says, 'bet you can't guess how old i am!'

she says, 'yeah? unzip your fly!' he does; she reaches in a feels around for a bit, then says: 'you're 83!'

he says, 'that's amazing! how'd you know that?'

she says, 'you told me yesterday.'


2 Guys At A Urinal NSFW

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.

Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK."

Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."


How are teenaged boys like the enzyme helicase?

They both want to unzip your genes!

credit goes to Hank from CrashCourse on Youtube :)


If I ever see my wife asleep with her mouth wide open, I seize the opportunity. First I unzip my pants, then I pull out my penis...

And then I have sex with her sister.



This old guy and old lady are sitting in a nursing home when the guy turns to the woman and says "I bet you can't guess how old I am". The lady says "I'll bet I can, unzip your pants", so he does, she sticks her hand in, feels around, pulls her hand out and says "you're 83". The guy says "WOW! That's amazing! How'd you do that!?" the woman replies "you ask me the same question every day, Frank".


Girl, you can call me RNA II Polymerase ...

...cuz I'm gonna unzip your genes


My mom was at the airport on her way home from Wisconsin when she got stopped by TSA.

Ma'am, do you have any sharp objects in your luggage?

He proceeded to unzip her luggage and pulled out a block of cheese she had packed.

She smiled and said Just that sharp cheddar


I met a really cool girl name Helicase, but there's a problem...

... she's always trying to unzip my genes.


How to tell if you have Alzheimer's disease

If you forget to zip up your pants after going to the bathroom - that's just being forgetful. If you forget to unzip before going to the bathroom - that's Alzheimer's.

I really feel torn about making jokes about this terrible disease, but that's one way of dealing with it.


Old guy goes up to old lady in a nursing home and says, "I bet you can't guess how old I am!"

She says, "yes I can, unzip your pants"

Old guy is surprised but unzips. She sticks her hand in and plays with his dick for a minute. She then says, "you're 83"

The guy says, "I am 83! How do you know?"

Old lady says, "You told me yesterday."


Damm girl, I wish I was RNA polymerase II

so I could unzip your jeans just long enough to shoot one out and leave.


I must be Helicase

Cuz I wanna unzip your genes


So a guys asks a blonde…

if he can do her from behind. She obviously says no. The guy then says he will be very quick and offers her 100$. All she has to do is pick up the money while he drops it on the floor. She tells him she has to ask her boyfriend. She tells her boyfriend about the offer and he tells her to make it 200$ instated. "He won't even have time to unzip before you pick it up". The next day the blonde accepts the offer and bends down to pick up the money. Later the same day the blonde comes home limping. "What happened honey?" asks the boyfriend. "It was all in coins" she replied.


You're losing your mind if you forget to zip your fly after using the bathroom.

You've lost your mind if you forget to unzip your fly *before* using the bathroom


Pub and Sausage.OH No,HAHAHAH

Sausage Paddy and Sean are planning to go out on a Saturday night, but only have 50 cents between them. Paddy has an idea, he takes the 50 cents of Sean, goes to a butchers and buys a sausage. Sean is really pissed off at first that Paddy spent their last money on a sausage, but Paddy lets him in on his plan. "We are going into the next pub, order two pints, drink them and when it comes to paying you go down on your knees, unzip my trousers, pull the sausage out and start sucking on it" So, they go into the first pub and do exactly as Paddy suggested. The barmaid is disgusted by the sight and kicks the two out. Paddy says: "see it works, we didn't pay did we?" As Paddy's plan seems to be working they carry on doing it... In the 12th pub, both are quite drunk by now, Sean isn't looking to good. They have just finished their pints... Sean: "I can't do this anymore Paddy my bloody knees are hurting as fuck...!" Paddy: "No worries...I lost that bloody sausage in the third pub!"


What are the most funny Unzip jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Unzip? Well, here are the best Unzip dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Unzip pick up lines to share with friends.

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